Jennifer’s writing

We all have people in our lives who have somehow influenced our identity or had a part in sending us in one direction or another. The people who have influenced our choices have changed our lives in some way. Of course, the changes could have been negative or positive, but it would be nice to have a balance because even the negative moments can make us stronger and teach us valuable lessons. Here are a few possibilities of the types of people who can influence us.

Teachers

I can definitely say that three teachers are responsible for who I am today. The first was my senior English teacher Mr. Chaffee. Mr. Chaffee was brilliant and elegant, and he commanded respect like no one else I have ever met. I was in awe of him and slightly terrified of him as well. His opinion mattered a great deal to me, so the day he was handing back essays and he stopped near my desk and said, “Jenny, you are a good writer.” Will be a moment that carries me through all the rejections that a writer receives. It was also a time when the Advanced Placement Courses were just starting. He pulled me out in the hall one day and asked if I wanted to take the test. I had no idea what it was, but I said yes. The fact that he had faith in me made me feel special, and I didn’t feel that way very often. In 40 years of teaching, I have tried to make my students feel special too. I always loved to write, but I think Mr. Chaffee’s words gave me permission to do it.

The second was my Spanish teacher, Mr. St. John. He was the teacher who convinced me that I wanted to be a teacher. He never said, “Jenny, you should be a teacher”, but he taught with so much passion and energy that I wanted to be part of that.

The third was my French teacher in my sophomore year of college. She pulled three of us out of class and told us she could get us into the study abroad program. I was going to be an English teacher, but the decision to spend a year in France changed the course of my life completely.

Family members

My dad was always doing something. He hated being idle and once told me that there was always something productive you can do. He is the reason I cannot sit still for long because I am always thinking of what I should be doing.

My husband has made me stronger because he expects me to be tough and capable of handling multiple roles. He has also taught me to not care so much about what other people think.

Toxic relationships

I had a friendship that destroyed me emotionally for a while. I thought she was my best friend, and although my family kept trying to show me her true colors when I finally realized how manipulative and narcissistic she was, I felt betrayed and alone. Eventually, the situation made me stronger and taught me to be more careful with who I chose as friends.

Mentors

Everyone needs at least one mentor, an expert at something who can drop pearls of wisdom at your feet. I have had several, and I hear their words often. When I participated in karate competitions, several people commented that the decisions for awards were political because students from certain karate schools always won. My karate mentor used to say, “Be so good they can’t ignore you.”

Friends

Friends can encourage us to keep going when we want to give up. I had a friend who was there when I received a nasty rejection from a publisher for a book I had submitted. I was very discouraged, and she said, “Jen, that’s only one voice. The next person might love it.”

Who are the people who have changed your life?

Do you ever feel that your family qualifies for its own reality show? Quirky personalities, secrets emerging when you least expect it, complicated drama, betrayals, and actions that defy logic. I have a feeling that most families have dealt with their share of upheaval, but many do an excellent job of keeping it hidden.

Our pastor used to say that every family had that one person that everyone talked about and if you weren’t sure who it was then it was probably you. He usually said that when talking about how family members might be dysfunctional, we still loved them despite not always understanding them. I have always loved that message because the image of the perfect family that many paint on social media causes some to be ashamed of their imperfections. People are going to judge no matter what, so be transparent about the family struggles and you will be surprised how many people will share their stories too.

Every family has someone who has unusual tendencies. Instead of thinking the person needs to change, accept that he is different from you, and as long as the tendencies are not harmful, let it go.

Family secrets have a way of slipping out to produce the most dramatic effects. One of the funnier examples of this in our family was when we had all come together for Thanksgiving dinner. Several months before, we had found out some shocking news about my mother who had recently passed. Thanksgiving morning, I met a waitress at our hotel who came from the same town in Ireland as my great-grandfather. She told me to ask my sister, (the family historian), if he spoke Gaelic. We were eating dinner when I asked my sister, and without missing a beat, she said, “Oh, he was a bigamist.” My brother put down his glass, looked at my sister, and said, “Ok. Is there anything else we need to know about our family?”

Families are capable of betrayal, subterfuge, and actions that defy logic. A typical family has all the elements of a good soap opera including a healthy dash of love. I can shake my head at some of the things family members do, but I still love them and I am grateful to have them.

There are families that can be toxic too. In that case, find a different version of family in friends that will love and support you. Remember that everyone has some junk in the closet, so don’t feel bad about yours.

Since covid, mental health seems to be a more common discussion, but I’m not sure we realize the extent that every individual struggles with mental storms.

There are so many different mental disrupters. Anxiety is one of the disrupters I notice the most. We have so much pressure to perform well at everything we do that it can be crushing. We have social anxiety because we are afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing and looking foolish. We are anxious about our performance at school or work because of what will people think about us if we fail, and we are anxious about the future in general because it is unknown.

Sometimes the disrupter is a sneaky thought that slides into our thinking and causes doubts or sadness. We have to find ways to guard against that happening because it can be damaging. Even being more aware of our thoughts is a good step to fighting against negative thoughts. Anytime you hear yourself tearing yourself down, respond with what you would say to your best friend. Examine the thought and change it into a positive one.

Here are a few ways to calm the mental storms.

Find ways that work for you to calm anxiety. Some people use deep breathing exercises where you practice inhaling deeply and releasing your stress with each breath.

Write down some positive affirmations like, “I am strong, smart, and a superhero.” Say them over and over.

Surround yourself with positive people. Positivity is uplifting and inspiring. Be around people who have a good sense of humor. It’s difficult to be depressed when you are laughing.

Communicate your feelings. Let people know when you are overwhelmed or feeling hopeless or alone.

Be transparent and let others know if you are struggling in some aspect of your life. Ask for help.

We have all had moments when we needed someone to listen and help us out of a funk. There is nothing wrong with you when you are struggling to find happiness. Reach out and ask for the resources you need.

Every ultramarathon I have done has taught me at least one lesson. My most recent ultra last weekend was no exception. It was the first Yeti trail race I had ever done, and I was nervous for several reasons. I wasn’t sure what the course would be like and if my almost-healed meniscus would tolerate it. I always am slightly apprehensive when I am doing a new race, and the weather was not looking good either.

My first lesson was to prepare more for the weather conditions. The local news was saying we could potentially have torrential rain as well as thunder and lightning, but the storm was expected to be below the area where the race would be. They were wrong, or conditions changed because we were hit with some heavy storms. I had rain gear, but I would wait until the storm hit to put it on. The problem was the storm hit at mile 1 of a 4-mile loop, and by the time I made it in I was soaked.

Lesson number two would be to prepare for the unexpected. My husband was my support crew and he told me on race morning that he forgot the top to the canopy. The only other cover I had was a small pop-up tent that flooded quickly soaking my dry clothes. Obviously, I should have found a spot somewhere where the clothes would have stayed dry, but there were not many dry places.

I also let my husband convince me that we didn’t need to arrive early for the race. He wanted to have breakfast. When we arrived there wasn’t much room left to set up, so it created some unwanted stress before the race.

Lesson 3 would be to listen to the course director who said that it was supposed to rain in an hour. I also should have checked the weather app because not only did it rain, but we had a strong thunder and lightening storm, and my mother was very clear that lightening was bad, being up high during lightening was worse, and being on a ridge while standing on a trail that was a puddle was ludicrous. I was with two women, Jill and Marie most of the loop. Marie said that as long as we could hear the birds chirping we were ok. Two minutes after there was dead quiet. I mentioned this to Marie who proclaimed that we were indeed in trouble. I was praying to God, to my patron saint, and to everyone else’s saint.

Lesson 4 is to make the right decision for you despite what other people say. When I made it in I asked John if the weather was going to continue like this. He told me a second wave would come through in an hour. He told me he would support whatever decision I made. As we started to pack up our things, one of the volunteers tried to encourage me to stay. I felt like I was quitting until the only person I knew at the race, and who I have known for years said to me, “What if you slipped on one of those hills and hurt your knee again?”

Lesson 5 is to ask yourself the right questions. I do not like to give up on anything, but I asked myself several questions. I asked myself if I continued would I enjoy the experience? The answer was no. I also asked if I thought it was safe to go back out. The answer was also no.

Lesson 6 is to realize that every time we stumble we can learn from it. Next year, I will make sure my husband brings the top to the canopy, we will arrive early at the site, and I will be dressed for the weather. A bad experience should never defeat us. Figure out how you are going to do better next time.

I spend too much time thinking about what I have to do next instead of savoring the moment I’m in at the time. I wonder if it comes from having too many things on my plate and trying to juggle them all. Do you ever focus on the activities you need to do later and miss out on important moments because you aren’t completely present?

Lately, I’ve been trying to stay present in the moment and enjoy interactions with family and friends instead of being distracted by what will come later.

What might you enjoy more in life if you focus more on being present? What might you savor more? Here are a few ideas.

Your food

Are you so busy that you rush through a meal without actually tasting it? Do you grab anything without thinking so you can eliminate hunger? Food is one of the great pleasures in life, and it’s our fuel, so it’s responsible for our health and productivity. Spend some time planning what you will eat and enjoy the tastes. Eat slowly and enjoy all the different flavors.

Family

I didn’t realize how much my family needed me until I retired. Suddenly, I had more time to help my youngest with her college work, my oldest could call every day and share her day with me, and my husband wanted to talk about his work day. Set aside family time whether it is eating meals together, playing games, or finding a time that is just for the family.

Nature

There is something about being outside for me that is healing. There is so much beauty and I feel a sense of calm.

Rest

Most of us do not rest well. Do you feel guilty if you take a nap? Studies have proven that we are more productive and healthier when we take time to recharge.

What else do you need to savor more? Reflect on where your priorities and interests are and be intentional about giving those things your focus.

Have you ever spent a lot of money on a beauty product only to find out that the results did not live up to the promises? It is easy to spend a small fortune to improve our looks, but most of what we are looking for can be found with inexpensive, basic products. Here are a few to try.

Vaseline

Vaseline can be used to soothe dry lips.

Mix it with lemon for a skin-brightening mask.

Mix it with sugar or salt for a body scrub.

Massage it into your feet to relieve dry skin.

Use it wherever you chafe.

Rub it into your cuticles to moisturize them.

It can be used on cuts. My dermatologist recommended it after I had some skin cancer removed.

It helps prevent scars.

It will soothe razor bumps.

You can use it to shape your eyebrows.

It will spruce up a fading manicure.

It can soothe a dry nose.

Toothpaste

Did you know that toothpaste is a great way to eliminate pimples? It can also be used to relieve insect bites and itchiness.

Baking Soda

Use baking soda as an inexpensive toothpaste.

It will work as a mouthwash.

It can be used as a deodorant and is an ingredient in many deodorants.

It can soothe your skin from burns and bites.

It will make a great facial scrub.

Witch hazel

I had several skin cancers burned off and I decided to experiment with witch hazel as a way to heal them. I was amazed at how quickly they healed, and now I use it as a toner. It can be used for skin inflammation, varicose veins, bruises, insect bites, and acne.

Before you consider spending a lot of money to fill your beauty and health needs, consider using a few of nature’s remedies.

My oldest daughter just told us that she and her husband are buying a new house. She is excited and overwhelmed because there are a lot of moving pieces. When I told the news to my youngest I was surprised by her one-word response. She looked at me and said, “Why?” I said, “Well, I’m not exactly sure what all her reasons are. The next time I spoke with her I asked her why she had decided on this house, and she had some very well-thought-out responses. It did make me think though about how important our why should factor into our decisions.

My husband was trying to convince me that on our next vacation, I should go parasailing. I said, “Honey, I am terrified of heights. Nothing about parasailing would make me happy, so why would I force myself to do it?”

What was your answer to why you should do the job you are doing now? If you asked yourself why you are doing your work, would the answer be the same? What about with your partner? What qualities attracted you to that person? Has your answer to why this person changed?

There are so many things in our lives that we should spend more time thinking about. We should revisit our answers to our why for each situation. It is so easy to be caught up in our busy, daily routine, and we keep moving on the treadmill of life without checking to see what we need to improve or eliminate for our happiness.

I had to stop and recheck my answers for why while working at a boarding school. I’m terrible about saying no, so I was coaching two sports, on a zillion committees, taking care of a husband, two teens, and a toddler, and teaching six classes. I was exhausted and I wasn’t giving my family what they needed. I had to stop and ask why am I doing this, and the answer wasn’t positive, so I quit and scaled back. I felt as if I finally had my priorities in order.

Ask yourself why for the different situations in your life. The answers might be enlightening and even empowering.

Have you ever heard the term a real runner? I have heard it many times at races and in conversations, and although I always hope I’m considered a real runner, the expression irritates me a little because it carries with it some misplaced judgment. Let me tell you a few of the times I have heard this expression, and why it bothered me at the time.

I was running the Rock n Roll New Orleans Marathon and I had reached the turn-off point where if I went straight I would go into the chute for the half and be done. You could hear the party going on at the finish. I was so tempted to go straight and finish because the roads were still a mess from hurricane Katrina, and it had done a number on my legs. My stomach was cramping and I was discouraged that I felt this bad at mile 13, but Rocky was playing, and how can you not step up to a challenge when that song is pushing you on? As I turned the corner, there was a lone volunteer who said to me, “Now the real runners are coming.” I thought, “If he only knew how much I’m struggling right now he might not say that!” I thought about that statement during the next few miles. All of the runners who trained for the half were as much real runners as I was. I don’t think how many miles you do determines how serious you are about running.

I approached the registration table at a 5k/10K race, and the volunteer said to me, “You’re doing the 10K, right?” I said yes and she added, “I could tell you were a real runner.” Once again the distance seems to be the deciding factor, but some runners are better with shorter distances and speed while some like distance and a slower pace. Both groups are still real runners.

At my first ultramarathon, I didn’t think I was a good enough runner to be there. It didn’t help that many of the runners looked like they ate nails for breakfast, and they were talking about races they had done and even the race names scared me. I soon learned though that there were all types of runners and running abilities at the race. It is now my favorite distance to run, but for years I was afraid to try it. Imagine what I would have missed out on if I had let my fear that I wasn’t a real runner hold me back.

When I tore my meniscus in July I still wanted to participate in 5k races with my friends. I wasn’t able to run at all at that point, and I was happy just to be there. As we walked along, one of the police officers yelled, “Don’t worry, I’d be in the back too if I was out here!” I laughed because I don’t think he had any idea that he wasn’t exactly encouraging us. He also didn’t know any of the stories that were in all the people in the back, and whether you walked the course or ran it, you still did 3 miles more than most people did.

How fast or slow does not determine if you are a real runner. My friend Raleigh has had 2 strokes, a heart operation, and a plethora of other issues. He never complains and anytime he has a health issue he soldiers through it and says it is only temporary. That attitude alone tells me he is a real runner. He has slowed down a bit in the last few years, but he always shows up ready to do his best.

I recently met Tera, a woman who had seriously hurt her shoulder when she fell while hiking. Many people would stop exercising while healing, but Tera took up running. When I met her she said her goal was to do a 5K without walking. Tera is still a real runner even if she walks. Walking now and then can help you run farther, so I’m not sure why so many runners think walking is a sin. Tera is a beast who has grit whether she is walking or not.

Real runners do crazy things sometimes. Raleigh and I asked our friend Sally if she would do a 9-mile race with us. She immediately said yes which would not have been odd except that Sally had not run more than three miles once a week here and there. She did an amazing job, and one of her favorite pictures is when we ran back out, found her, and ran her in. Sally is a real runner.

So, if you are wondering if you qualify as a real runner, I will tell you that if you run, no matter how far or how long, you are a member of the running community because running offers something for everyone and can be tailored to fit your needs. Hold your head high because you are a real runner.

I was talking to a young lady I am tutoring, and her mom and we were talking about the hateful behavior between some people and the drama and angst that this behavior can create. Besides the uncomfortable situation hatefulness can cause, it can also do some significant damage to someone’s self-esteem. It can create a feeling of isolation and loneliness at a time when a young person is forming an identity. The mom and I had a few ideas to give to her daughter as weapons to deflect the hatefulness of others.

Meet hatefulness with kindness because it will confuse them. Don’t drop down to the level of a hater. You won’t feel better about yourself, and it won’t help the situation. Be the better person and maybe the bully will see that the hatefulness does not have the desired effect on you.

Smile a lot so the hater will wonder what you are thinking. Most haters and bullies are looking for attention and a reaction, so don’t give it to her. Stay calm and refuse to let emotions take control.

Do not engage with a hater in a battle of logic because the hater sees things through a different lens. Keep your perspective about the situation and distance yourself as much as you can. If the hatefulness is in written form you can choose not to respond. A hater hates to be ignored.

Take time to recharge every day. People can be exhausting. Do something quiet when you can turn off all the noise around you.

Surround yourself with positive people and realize that quality not quantity counts when it comes to friends.

Tell someone you trust about the interactions in case the situation escalates.

Realize that people do and say some crazy things and it’s usually because of how broken they are. Don’t let them steal your joy.

I believe we are always sent blessings even though we might be too busy or distracted to see some of them. Sometimes those blessings are small things that make a difference in our lives and other times they can be something that takes our breath away. Here is the story of a blessing I was sent.

When I was born, my parents brought home a puppy. This collie named Queenie was with me until she passed when I was thirteen. It would be an understatement to say she was a special animal, and I remember the pain I felt when she passed. I consider Queenie one of my blessings. I always wanted another collie, but the closest I came to having one was a rescue dog named Leo who was a collie/German shepherd mix. He was also a very special dog.

Two years ago, after our dog had passed I was wondering where I should look for our next one. I have always liked to buy my dogs from the shelters, but Covid was making it difficult to go in, and I wasn’t sure where else to look. As I was thinking about it a thought popped into my head that said, “It will come to you.” I thought that was odd, but I decided to wait to see what happened.

One day, I was out running when my neighbor who is a dog trainer pulled up next to me in her car and told me she was going to rescue a border collie. A couple had purchased him as an emotional support dog, but he had too much energy for them. I asked to see the picture and then asked her if I could bring my husband to see him when she came back. John was willing to meet him and we were there when Lynn let him out of the crate. Four months of border collie came running into my arms and my heart was lost. I took his leash and crate and headed for home. John reminded me later that there wasn’t even any discussion. I apologized for that.

It wasn’t until a week later when I was out running that I said to God, “You brought me a collie!” I suddenly remembered the words, “It will come to you.” Bandit has definitely been a crazy mess of energy, but he reads emotions and loves his humans. I am so grateful for this blessing.