Jennifer’s writing

Lately, I have noticed that my cat has her priorities in better order than I do. Let me give you a few examples of the differences between us.

I find at least ten things to do before I sit down for breakfast, while my cat thinks breakfast is a necessary start to the day. She protests loudly until I fill her dish.

I have to be careful not to eat too many treats, but my cat meows whenever I am close to her favorite goodies. She doesn’t think limiting her intake is a good idea.

I make exercise a daily routine while she does the same with naps. She feels that moving too quickly at any time might upset her digestion.

While I sometimes need a moment to myself at the end of the day, she perceives this time as the moment to curl her 15 pounds on my lap and demand to be petted. She can be three rooms away and somehow know when I have sat down on the couch.

While I have trouble sitting still for long, my cat knows the importance of lounging in the sun.

I find time once a day to take a shower, but my cat thinks cleanliness is important enough to bathe after every meal.

My cat knows how to make family members feel special. If one of us sits down on the floor, she rubs against us, circles us while purring, and makes us feel as if we are the most important people in her life. I need to focus more on that.

We could all learn some lessons from the animals in our lives. Good food, rest, and surrounding ourselves with good people all sound like great priorities.  

Feeling loved is a basic need and finding the right partner to share that love can make an amazing difference in a life. Unfortunately, many people struggle to find the love they need. There are numerous dating sites to help people find their special person, but they come with issues too and there is no guarantee that there will be a connection.

I enjoy hearing people’s love stories, and a recurrent theme is that love showed up unexpectedly. This is what happened to my husband and me. I was dating someone seriously when I left for a junior year abroad. When I returned, I found out that he had been cheating on me. I dated two more men and was disappointed by both. I decided that I needed to take a break from dating when a good friend told me her friend John wanted to take me out to dinner. When we went out, I had no thoughts of anything serious happening, but we had an instant connection. Have you ever felt like you have known someone forever from the first time you meet them? That’s how I felt. I knew within four days that he was the one, and that was forty years ago.

I don’t think you can force love. It has its own timing. I had a friend who wanted to marry and have children and she felt that she was running out of time to have a family. She would ask me why she couldn’t find the right man, and I would tell her that there was nothing wrong with her, it depended on the right timing. I understood she was very impatient, but that impatience led her into a few toxic relationships.

Don’t give up if love hasn’t found you yet, or if you thought you found the right relationship, and it did not turn out well. We have all heard stories of couples who have struggled in love, but then find the perfect person for them, usually, when they least expect it.

The amazing dog we have right now was brought to us by my friend and neighbor Lynn. Lynn is also a dog trainer, and I cannot tell you what a benefit that has been as we train Bandit. Lynn has taught me things that I never knew before about dogs, and one of the training points she keeps stressing to me is I have to train Bandit to be safe. I would love to share the safety training she has taught me as well as a few I made up myself.

Waiting to leave the crate

This is my first time using a crate with a dog, but I now see all the benefits. Teach your dog to wait for the command to leave the crate. Don’t let him leave the minute you open it. You are doing this to teach him not to leave a crate or a car without your permission. We take Bandit to a park where the parking is near a busy road, so it’s important for him not to jump out right away.

To teach this, open the crate door a little, and as the dog starts to leave, close it again. Keep doing it until the dog doesn’t try to leave then pick your command. Lynn says break and I say come.

Leave it

You want to teach the dog to only take food that is offered to him, so if medication or something else harmful to him, he won’t eat it. It is also good if you have other animals, you can keep him from eating their food.

Start by putting a treat in your hand and closing your fist. Open your fist, then close it before the dog can take the treat. Keep doing it until the dog doesn’t try to take it, then say, “Get it!” and let him have it. When you give him a bowl of food, put your hand over it, wait, and then say, “Get it!”

Run

I started this one because if we are ever in a dangerous situation (copperhead), I want to be able to get Bandit to safety.

I started by keeping him at my side, then just before I throw the Frisbee, I yell, “run!” I don’t know if you have ever seen a Border Collie run, but it is impressive.

Stay with me

We have an older dog next to us with a bad back and our neighbor is nervous about Bandit playing with him, so when we go out and Joey is in the front yard, I say, “Stay with me.” I didn’t do anything except say this each time we were near Joey. My dog is smarter than I am, and the ability to read the room (know joey is too old to play) is crazy.

Easy

I say this when I take Bandit down the steps with the leash. We usually let him tear down them, but if a stranger is near, I don’t want to scare her.

I also say this when my baby grandson is over, but I know I don’t need to say anything. He is so gentle with him.

Come

Bandit likes to run into the far reaches of the backyard, but when he hears me say come, he sprints back.

To your bed

I bought a training bed and taught him to go to it in case there was ever a time I need him to lie down out of the way.

The crate

Bandit never had a problem going in his crate because Lynn told me to make it sound like going in there was the best thing in the world, and he knows some treats are coming.

I hope this helps. There are so many more things you can teach your dog. Have fun!

Unexpected answers

Whether you want to say they are messages from God, signs from the universe, or only random coincidences, I believe we receive answers to our questions as well as suggestions on how to act all the time. We have to be open to seeing or hearing them, and that can be hard because we are often distracted by our busy lives.

Recently, a friend was telling me a story of feeling conflicted because she had purchased an expensive birthday present to give her sister-in-law at her birthday party, but a week before the party, the sister-in-law did something to my friend that was very mean and hurtful. My friend was struggling with whether to give her the gift or not. She was upset about the hurtful behavior, and she felt that if she gave her sister-in-law the gift, she would be sending a message that the behavior had been acceptable. On the other hand, she didn’t want to be as hateful as her sister-in-law had been. The next day she was attending an office meeting with a guest speaker who was talking about the importance of kindness. She said that even when someone has hurt you, you should still try to be kind. My friend felt the message was for her, so she gave the present to her sister-in-law, but she also had a talk with her and discussed her feelings. The sister-in-law apologized and they both are working on rebuilding their relationship.

There have been times when I have been wondering about something when I hear the answer on t.v., in a newspaper, or magazine. I have been in church when I am amazed that the sermon is about something that was on my mind.

I know others often see messages or signs in the things around them. Here are a few examples.

Some people believe you can receive messages through music. In the article, Signs to look out for, by Brendan Brown, this quote describes what might happen. “You might be going through something in your life — a breakup, a tough career move, a decision between two choices that will both drastically change your path for years to come — and out of nowhere you hear the perfect song to help you find the answer you need. You feel like — “I need to drop everything else and listen to this song”, even if you’re already in the middle of something pretty important.”

People also say that a message about a question you have might come through someone with whom you are speaking.

Others believe they receive messages through dreams. In the article 18 ways the universe sends you messages, Susan Brunton says, “Our brains are incredibly active while we’re sleeping, and our subconscious minds can send us messages especially if it’s trying to convey something important like a warning or lesson about the future.”

What signs and answers have you received? I am going to keep an open mind about the possibilities.

How do you spend most of your time? Before I retired, my time priorities were geared toward work. If you asked me to describe my identity in one word, I would have said, “teacher”. I wish my first word had been mother or wife, but my major energy was going into my job.

When I retired, I suddenly realized how much my family needs my time. (I am very grateful for this fact). My oldest has a baby and I go several days a week to help with him. Not only do I have time with my grandson, but I have also grown closer with my daughter. My youngest daughter is in college and needs to talk through her career options, what classes are like, and use me as a sounding board. When I was working, I was too busy to listen fully. She asks me to go to lunch or go do something with her and I say yes as often as possible because I now see how important my time with my family is.

I know it is easier for me to give my family more time because I am retired, but there are ways to put family first even if you work full-time. It means you have to create boundaries and make more of an effort to put family first. When the end of your career comes, you will be replaced, but hopefully, your family will still be there. They deserve your time.

I have always thought that time resting or doing nothing was also time well spent. We need time to recharge. If we are exhausted and stressed, we are not at our best, while if we do what we love and relax, we will have more energy for everyone.

We complain about never having enough time, but we can make time for what matters.

The emotional support of a dog

When we first brought home our dog Bandit, emotional support was not the first thing that came to mind. He was a four-month-old puppy with manic energy. I used to look at my husband and say, “Where is the off button?” During the first week, he chewed two pairs of Under Armor tights and my favorite pajama pants. If you have seen the commercial where the woman keeps apologizing because her dog keeps getting into trouble, that was us for the first few months. Stress and the thought of how do I make this work was a constant, but little by little, we started to form a bond until now, I could not imagine life without him. The love he shows us is amazing to see, and it has improved my emotional health. Here is why I think animals offer us emotional support.

Unconditional love

Animals offer us unconditional love. They attach themselves to us emotionally just as we do to them. They aren’t going to let us down or betray us. They need love as much as we do. I love the way Bandit bolts out the door in the morning, but then stops and waits for me as if he needs to wait for his buddy to start the adventures for the day. Of course, if he sees a squirrel, I’m on my own. I also love when he runs over and leans up against me in hopes of a belly rub. He is a true blessing.

Something to care for

Even if we have some heavy issues, caring for a dog that relies on us can take our minds off of our troubles.

Our conversations

I talk to Bandit constantly. I tell him stories, my opinions, and what my day has been like. He is the best listener in the house. Releasing your thoughts is emotionally healing.

No judgments

Bandit doesn’t care if I made a fool of myself in front of 20 people, or if I failed in some way. As long as I fill his dish and pet him, everything is fine.

touch

Touch is healing and it’s something we all need. Being able to rub a belly or scratch a head makes you feel calmer.

Laughter

Bandit will run into the woods, find the largest stick, and then begin his attempt at subduing it. This includes growling at the stick, and twisting, pulling, and biting until the stick is a mere twig. I can’t stop laughing when he does it, and laughter is great medicine.

Bandit will always keep me on my toes, but he heals my emotions like nothing else can.

I was speaking to a woman yesterday whose son and daughter-in-law are having their first baby. She told me her daughter-in-law thought birth and taking care of a baby was going to be easy and although she wanted to help her with some advice, she wasn’t sure how to offer it and how much to give. I told her that I decided not to provide any advice to my daughter unless she had asked me for it. I thought that was a great plan, but she told me later that she wished I had told her more. So how much advice should you give a new mom? Here are what my daughter Jess and I came up with for the essential advice to give any new mom.

If you want to help prepare a new mom, tell her that birth and taking care of a baby is messy. Of course, there is the actual messy part of changing diapers, and cleaning up spit-up, but I mean that life rarely goes according to plan when a baby enters your life. There are nights when the baby won’t stop crying, and when he does, you think you will do the same thing next time, but the next time, it doesn’t work. It’s a time when a sense of humor and support from family and friends can save your sanity. There isn’t a definitive guidebook that works for every baby, and schedules will have to be flexible.

You might want to tell her not to worry about trying to be perfect. Don’t compare yourself to other moms as long as your baby is healthy and happy, you are rocking it. The house might not be clean, the baby might have a dirty, two-day-old shirt on, and you have spit up on your shoulder, but it’s o.k.

Suggest to a new mom to set boundaries. When the baby first comes home, everyone wants to come to visit, but the mom is exhausted and trying to figure everything out. Don’t feel bad about telling people you need some rest.

Let new moms know they are not expected to know everything. Encourage them to ask questions. Suggest that they join a mom’s group. It can be helpful to hear those other mothers are experiencing the same struggles and joys.

I think you need to be careful to not overwhelm a new mom with too much at once. Let her know you are there when she needs you.

When our dog Bandit first came to us, I noticed on his paperwork that he was born a week before my grandson. I was so glad that Bandit and Parker would grow up together. I think every child needs a dog in his life to explore, go on adventures, play with, and at the end of a long day, curl up to rest together.

I wanted this for my grandson because that was my experience growing up. My parents brought home a beautiful collie named Queenie the day after I was born. Queenie was my best friend for thirteen years. She could read your emotions as Bandit can, and when I was sad she would lean against me and lick my face. She was always with me wandering around the neighborhood, or curling up with a book. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like without her.

Now, it is Parker’s turn to have this experience. He and Bandit already enjoy each other. Both are 11 months old, and Bandit knows he has to calm down his energy a little around the baby, and he is very gentle with him. Parker doesn’t pull on his fur, and he loves watching Bandit sail into the air to catch the frisbee.

Bandit loves when someone throws him a tennis ball. Today, we laughed as Parker picked up the tennis ball and threw it to Bandit. It only went a few feet, but Bandit didn’t care. He grabbed it and dropped it off near Parker. They played like this for ten minutes. I think this is only the beginning of the fun they will have together.

Have you ever asked friends to get together and a large group of people said they would be there, but then at least a few backed out and did not come? How did that make you feel? It’s easy to say you felt as if the guest didn’t want to spend time with you, or he had found something better to do. It doesn’t feel good when someone you care about doesn’t show up.

I remember when I played sports in school. If my parents showed up to watch my game, I played twice as hard. I didn’t even mind the time my mom tried to have me taken out of the lacrosse game (she had never seen lacrosse before) because she didn’t want to see me hurt. My coach responded, “Look at her! She’s having the time of her life.”

Why should it matter if someone shows up for us or not? Woody Allen said,

Showing up is a sign of caring. It’s so easy to back out of an activity, but someone wanted you to be there, and the fact you took the time to show up shows you care.

Showing up is the first step toward doing something new. That first step is often the hardest, but you can make such a difference by showing up. It can take courage to step out of your comfort zone and do something that makes you uncomfortable or time-consuming, but the rewards are usually worth it.

Start showing up for the people in your life to support them, and do it for yourself to reap the many possibilities waiting for you.

When someone betrays, hurts, manipulates, or in any other way maligns us, forgiveness can be hard. We may need to consider though that carrying around all the negative feelings might affect us worse than the person who hurt us.

The article, Forgiveness: your health depends on it from www.hopkinsmedicine.org says, “Unresolved conflict can go deeper than you may realize-it may be affecting your physical health. Studies have found that the act of forgiveness can reap huge rewards for your health, lowering the risk of heart attack, improving cholesterol levels and sleep, and reducing pain, blood pressure, and levels of anxiety, depression, and stress.”

Being hurt, disappointed, and angry is an emotional burden. Forgiveness can calm stress levels and let you feel as if a burden has been lifted. Don’t worry about whether the person deserves your forgiveness or not, if you continue to carry negative feelings, you are the one who will continue to suffer.

Forgiving does not necessarily mean you are going to continue a relationship that is toxic for you, it only means you are going to let go of feelings that are not helpful in any way. If there are possibilities to forge a better relationship after forgiveness, then of course do it, but if not, move on and don’t allow that situation to weigh you down.

Forgiveness is sometimes something we have to work at. Dr. Randy Carmen writes, “Forgiveness is a teachable and learnable skill that can dramatically improve with practice over time.” You can work on being more comfortable with forgiveness by showing compassion in certain simple situations.

It often takes some time to heal before you can forgive, but there is a feeling of freedom when you can release the bondage of negative feelings.