Jennifer’s writing

My husband shared a water bottle with our grandson who had just recovered from a stomach bug, and of course, my husband was ill two days later. I tried to keep my distance, but I’m feeling a little off myself. I started to think about the way different people deal with illness, and it made me wonder what causes the differences. Let me tell you about how several people I know and how they handle illness, and I hope you can relate.

My husband sees illness as a weakness. He is also a horrible nurse. It is so bad that my daughters have sworn to me that if I am ever seriously ill, they will check on me regularly. When he says he doesn’t feel well, we all start to worry because we know it is serious.

I fight illness and do not want to give in to it because there are so many things I want to do. I told my youngest this morning that I didn’t feel well, and she said, “Mom, go back to bed! Why are you trying to fight it? Of course, she is the voice of reason. We should take care of ourselves, and when our bodies aren’t performing at full capacity, we should rest.   

My daughters both realize that when illness strikes, you should let your body heal, and it’s o.k. to ask for help. They ask for all the cures I have used on them through the years, and I love helping them feel better.

I have a friend who is going through breast cancer, and the doctors say they have never seen anyone have such a bad reaction to treatment. On top of cancer, she has to have stomach surgery. When I was speaking with her, I was humbled by her courage and her attitude. She said, “Well, I have to tell myself that this is another hurdle to get over, and when I do, I’ll be on the road to recovery.”

So, why do people have different attitudes about illness? I don’t think there is one answer. I think it depends on your personality, your environment, and how you were raised. How do you deal with illness?

When your dog plays all in

I am sure that everyone who saw the news piece with the dog that ran into the gorilla’s cage was on the edge of their chair praying that the dog made it to safety. My second thought was my dog Bandit could have been the dog in there. His attitude is, “Oh look, an opening! I’m going in!” The dog in the gorilla cage is proof of how dangerous that can be. When I let him out in the morning, Bandit doesn’t calmly go down the stairs. He takes them five at a time, and sprints into the woods, unless an unsuspecting neighbor is out enjoying the morning calm. Then he tears over to them, leaping on them and trying to lick them into submission. I follow in his wake, apologizing to anyone he has encountered. Have you seen the ad where the woman is using her visa card to buy things to replace because her dog has destroyed them, and she is constantly saying I’m sorry? That’s me without the visa card. Anyways, rushing head-on into the unknown territory can be dangerous for a dog, so my dog trainer friend, Lynn came to my rescue again. It is fairly easy to teach your dog to stay near you when you are concerned about safety. Put some treats in your pocket and say the command, “Stay with me., or “With me.” Praise the dog when he does it and keep working on it until you know he has learned the trick.  Bandit forgets sometimes, but seriously, there are so many things to sniff and people to meet. I just want him to do it safely.

The second situation when playing all in, and by that I mean you are willing to risk life or limb for something, is when we play Frisbee. It is very cool to see how high he can go to catch the frisbee. He stays suspended in the air for a minute, and then lands lightly on the ground, except when he doesn’t. He is determined to catch the frisbee, and he will contort his body to do it. This morning, he twisted and caught it, but landed with a smack on his side. I stood there for a minute and prayed he was ok. He must have known I was scared, (this dog’s ability to read your emotions is amazing.” Because he came over with that look that says you may pet me and adore me now, and then he ran off to conquer a stick. My friend Lynn has a dog who also plays all in. He has broken two teeth because he is going to retrieve an object at all costs. Lynn will not let him play in a small area because she says there is more potential for injury.

If you have a dog that plays all in, just find ways to ensure his safety, and don’t attempt to see how far he can push that all-in mentality because it can end badly. If you haven’t figured out from my other articles about my dog, I love him, I laugh at the crazy and the non-stop energy, I only want to make sure he will be safe.

Surround yourself with what matters

Surrounding yourself with the right people and things can make a huge difference in your life. My office is a great example of this. I have a comfy couch placed to the side of my desk that is perfect for when a family member comes in to talk about life or what has happened that day. It’s also perfect for a nap on a rainy day, or a spot to edit some writing. My office is full of everything that makes me happy. There are bright-colored roses, photos of family, friends, and animals, special notes, journals, and a vision board to remind me of my goals. We should all surround ourselves with the people and things that bring us joy.

The right people

Good friends and family are like precious jewels. Be thankful for them, spend time with them, and make sure they know how much you appreciate them. They say that you are like the five people you spend the most time around, so choose wisely.

Inspiration

We all need to see someone who refuses to accept failure or challenges. The courage to strive for goals in life despite the roadblocks that can hold you back is a quality I think we all would like to have. I have several photos up of people who inspire me, so I can remember not to complain about something silly when other people have survived major issues.

Color

I love bright colors, so I have several bouquets of roses to brighten up the room. My computer background is a meadow full of flowers of vibrant colors. Color can lighten your mood and give you a boost when you need it.

Nature

I have plants everywhere. I am fascinated by the way things grow, and I love having a variety of plants around me.

Comfort

I have quite a few things on my desk that comfort me. I have a picture from my wedding day when we were back at my house for a reception after the reception. The picture is of myself and my brother-in-law, but in the background, my parents are peeking around us with big grins. I found the picture one day when I was missing them badly, and it was as if they were saying, “Here we are!” I also have a picture of my son when he was four, and I remember the moment so clearly. We had just had a snowstorm, and he could not wait to go play in the snow. He was heading down the stairs when he turned and said, “Mom, are you coming?!” I have sweet notes from students and snippets of wisdom.

Motivation

I have a vision board up to remind me of my goals. I also have a few signs with messages that are important to me. One says, “It always seems impossible until it’s done.”, and another says, “Always believe something wonderful is about to happen.”

These are only some things that work for me. What do you need to surround yourself with to create some joy?

Silence is comfortable

There are times when you feel you have to fill every moment with conversation, but with a friend, silence is comfortable. You enjoy being with each other, and there is nothing to prove because you know each other.

He knows you well

A good friend knows what you like, what your dreams are, and what you would do or say in any situation. He knows your story.

He is your cheerleader

A good friend celebrates your success instead of being jealous. He says, “Of course, you were chosen.” Instead of, “Why were you chosen?” He sees your good qualities and ignores the bad.

He shows up when you need it

Life can throw you some zingers, and a good friend shows up even when things get messy. Several years ago, my husband had a small stroke. I sent a note to some friends and asked them to pray for John to be o.k. My friend Donna was at the hospital in record time. I will never forget her willingness to support me when I needed her.

He motivates you

I have a running buddy with whom I have a healthy competition. We check with each other to see who has more steps for the day, and when we go to races, we are always trying to beat each other. At one race, I was almost over the finish line when suddenly, he came sprinting past me. We were running a half-marathon and he was ahead of me. I caught him at mile eleven and noticed he was struggling. I pulled up next to him and said, “Hey!” The look on his face was priceless as he got a second wind and sped off down the road.

He makes you laugh

A good friend shares your sense of humor and laughs easily with you.

He is a voice of reason

I am super sensitive, so having a friend who can show me the reality of the situation is good for me.

You don’t need to have a lot of friends, you only need one or two really good ones.

I was a teacher for forty years and I retired last year because my daughter wanted me to help her with my grandson. When the question was asked if teachers should be armed, I had several reactions.

My first reaction was that everyone should do the job she is trained to do. I can tell you as someone who experienced it, that teachers are overworked and underpaid. Most schools offer teachers thirty minutes for lunch that shrinks to 15-20 because students want to talk after class, someone needs help, and the lunch line takes forever to get through. There are also meetings during lunch as well as club activities. There is barely time to go to the bathroom. When Covid hit, teachers were given even more duties while having to be more creative and innovative and balance teaching both in class and remote instruction. Adding something as intense as being responsible for gun use in the classroom might be one more thing to push good teachers out of the classroom.

What if we allow teachers to teach as they were trained to do and bring in more security personnel who have been adequately trained to check safety measures, and protect both students and school personnel?

My second thought was that schools need to practice and talk about security measures more. My last school did a great job as far as implementing security measures and practicing lockdown procedures. The school brought in a man who oversaw a security company speak to small groups about what to do if a shooter was in the school. He came to each classroom and showed the teacher where to move students in a lockdown and what could be placed against the door to keep the shooter out. We practiced lockdown drills where a piece of black Velcro was placed over classroom door windows and doors which should always be in the locked position were closed. Teachers were told not to reopen their doors until an announcement was made that the lockdown was done. I’m sure the system was not perfect, but we were having important discussions and preparing for a difficult situation.

My next reaction was that if you have fifty teachers and you arm them, that’s fifty chances for guns to get in the wrong hands or to be used improperly. Where will the guns be stored? How will they be trained? Where will the money come from?

We have many topics to discuss about guns, but I hope we decide to say no to arming teachers with guns.

Most families have at least a few issues they have to work through. As parents, we have to find the right balance of love and guidance. The guidance involves discipline that isn’t always easy to navigate. There are so many things that have the potential to drive a family apart, so what is the glue that keeps them together? Here are a few that have helped me with my three children.

Understanding

Each of my three children is radically different, so I cannot treat them the same way. When my two older children were younger, I could talk to them sternly if they had done something wrong, but my youngest will burst into tears if you show any anger.

Jess is driven, independent, funny, and tough. Tyler deals only in the moment, he is easygoing and wants to do a million interesting things, Kate is kind, quiet, wise, and anxious. I have learned that I have to understand their differences and allow them to find what makes them happy.

Forgiveness

Part of being a family is being able to forgive each other. When Jess was a teen, she and I fought a lot. We were so angry at each other. Now, we have reconnected and apologized for not understanding each other.

Laughter

We laugh a lot as a family. We see the humor in everything, and we laugh until we cry. It is so bad that if we are out in public, we try to control ourselves, but inevitably we are laughing like fools. Laughter makes you happy, and it makes memories.

Unconditional love

Your family should be the people who love you even when you are at your worse. They are there to pick you back up when you fail. Love can mean hard discipline too because you know that the consequences of bad decisions will teach a valuable lesson. Jessica decided to party her way through her first year of college and was placed on academic probation which meant she would have to do a fifth year to graduate. At the end of her fourth year, I told her I had agreed to pay for four years, so she would have to pay for the fifth year. It was hard for me to tell her that, but she told me later that it was a good lesson for her.

Families need to have understanding, love, laughter, and forgiveness, and if they can maintain those, they will find the glue that holds families together.

I have had so many conversations with people where the phrase, “and then covid.” Is part of the sentence. The pandemic has changed so many aspects of our lives, but what I find so hopeful is how much resilience we have shown with these changes in our lives. Here are a few examples.

The lockdown

A total lockdown was something that most of us had never experienced, and it required us to be creative, resilient, kind, understanding, inventive, and patient.

I was a teacher when the pandemic first hit. We were given a day to collect everything we needed from school and prepare to teach online the next day. Most of us did not have much experience teaching with zoom, and the students didn’t know what to expect. I was so nervous in the first class because I was afraid that the technology would not work for me, but everything was fine. The first thing I did was make sure the students were o.k. They were afraid and not sure what was going to happen next. One student asked me if God was going to destroy us. I established communication first by creating a group me chat that students could use to reach me, and I gave them all my cell phone number. Both forms of communication came in handy many times, including the time I turned off the zoom instead of the power point, and a student texted, “Madame, are you coming back?” They could tell me if they were having issues with connection, or if they had a question. Teaching had to become more creative and interactive to engage the students.

Jobs

Restaurants had to close for public dining, so they turned to take-out orders. I know many restaurants suffered, but I have also heard many stories of customers supporting the local restaurants. I am still trying to figure out where all the workers went after the shutdown, but maybe many have been creative about working from home or starting new jobs. Business owners have had to be creative to make things work. I hope the public shows appreciation for those workers who show up.

Food

I was so proud of our country when people stepped up to help feed the people who needed it. Farmers donated produce and those who could donated to food banks. We are dealing with shortages on the shelf at the grocery store now and learning to pivot again. My daughter has a one-year-old and I have seen through her how mothers are working together to help each other find enough formula. This is the way our country should be, united to prosper. I have to admit that I am intrigued by what is missing on the shelves. The day the cheese-its were missing was when I became concerned. (only kidding…well, I was upset.)

Mental health

We have dealt with a lot in the last few years. Many of us have lost loved ones and jobs, felt isolated, stressed, and so on. I have heard myself saying repeatedly, “What in the world is going on?”. I hope we will continue to reach out and be kind to each other, and I hope those who need it will find professional help. We all need to heal in some way.

Physical health

I know for some of my friends the pandemic has been a wake-up call to work on their health. I have a friend who is still suffering from symptoms of having Covid a year ago. I had mind-numbing fatigue for two months after I had it. We cannot foresee everything, but we can do our best to be in good health, and keep our immune systems strong.

I know there are many other examples of people making the best of a bad situation, and I am praying for those that have been hit hard by Covid. I hope we keep fighting this illness by stepping up for each other and being resilient.

When I was seven, I was confirmed in the Catholic church. During the process, I somehow missed the memo that I was supposed to pick a patron saint. The truth is that at seven I don’t think I knew the names of any saints. We were standing in a line and one by one people were telling Father Noonan who they had picked for their patron saint. Not only did I not have the name of a saint ready, but I also was terrified of Father Noonan, so at that point, my day was not going well. I tapped the shoulder of the woman in front of me and asked her who she was picking for her patron saint. She said, “St. Theresa.” I know you are not surprised to learn that St. Theresa is now my patron saint.

Many years went by without much mention of my patron saint except that I was excited to find out that my older sister had picked St. Theresa as well and had done some research before picking her. My sister told me about her when I was stressed about the decision to change careers, leaving the school where I was, and trying to make it as a writer. My teaching job was too demanding and I was so tired that I was becoming nauseous and dizzy. It was time for a change, but the decision was not easy. I was speaking with my sister about it and as an aside mentioned that I had some beautiful roses in the kitchen. That is when she mentioned her patron saint was St. Theresa, and her symbol was the rose. She said anytime you see roses, it means everything will be okay.

As soon as I made my decision to leave my job, I started to see roses everywhere. They were on the side of the Chinese take-out box, and even on the toilet paper in Outback. You might say that the roses were only coincidences, but they were comforting to me. I decided to learn more about my patron saint. She was French, a writer, and a Carmelite nun, she died at 24, and she was stubborn. I did not think to find out where she was from in France.

That summer, I took a school trip to France. We were in a small town called Lisieux having an afternoon snack. One of the students asked if we could go see the town’s cathedral, so we walked leisurely to it. I was still nervous about my decision, and when I opened the door the first thing I saw was a sign that said, “Trust in God, don’t be afraid.” I felt like the message was for me. I wandered over to the gift shop and started talking to the lady in charge. I asked her, “Why is everything in here about St. Thérèse?” She replied, “This is her cathedral.” She then told me everything about my patron saint while I kept thinking that it was strange that I just walked into my patron saint’s cathedral without even knowing it.

Later that summer, I had an encounter with a psychic who asked me who my gardener was. I laughed and told her I did not have a gardener. She told me she saw my house surrounded by roses. That afternoon, I was sitting on the porch when a neighbor passed by on her walk. She called up to me, “Jen, where is the smell of roses coming from? It’s so strong down here.” My husband decided it was a good idea to surround the house with roses, so now my house is surrounded by them.

Roses continue to show up at important times. When my children were born, my husband did not want them to be baptized, but when Kait was thirteen, and Jess was twenty-three, they decided they wanted to be baptized. Instead of being dunked in water, the pastor turned to a large floral display and pulled out a rose, put it in water, and sprinkled both girls with the water. I have watched many baptisms since then, and he has not used a rose again.

I have roses around me always. I may not have known which saint to pick at confirmation, but I know how blessed I am that I chose St. Thérèse.

I am not a master gardener, but I love working in the garden. I sing out there, give the plants pep talks, and eat amazing vegetables all summer. I can feel any stress melt away out there. I love to experiment with new things, and this summer everything I tried worked. My husband enclosed the main garden after the third year of the deer eating all my corn the day before I was going to harvest it.

I have had several people tell me they would love to have a garden, but they do not have enough space. You can still have a garden with little space if you are willing to be creative. Here are a few ideas.

We were watching a show called Return to The Chateau and they went into a huge meadow that had been tilled and let the two children scatter wildflower seeds everywhere. I don’t have a meadow, but I had the neighborhood children come over and scatter seeds in our little plot. It is just starting to bloom and it is going to be extraordinary!

I wanted to try growing potatoes this year, but I had no idea how to do it. A youtube video and potatoes from Amazon and I was ready to go. My husband built this three-tiered planter for me for strawberries, but they did not do well. The potatoes are flourishing mostly because there is so much room in the first two tiers for them to grow down.

Strawberries are my favorite fruit, and they have done so well in this planter that I bought online. It even has a chalkboard on the back for children to draw on.

I wanted to grow melons, but I didn’t have any more room, so my husband said, “Let’s go to Home Depot, I have an idea. Look how he put this box together! It took him a half-hour! I only planted them several days ago, so cross your fingers that they grow.

I used a lot of containers this year. My daughter did her whole garden in containers on her back porch. I also started several things inside and then transplanted them.

My husband also made these flower boxes to mount on the walls, but he has been so bust that I just stood them up against the garden.

I hope these ideas give you some help in making use of space for a garden.

I’m sure I am not the only one who is feeling unsettled with everything going on in the world right now. The truth is I have wanted to write this article for a while, but I have struggled with emotions about this topic, especially after the shooting at an elementary school in Texas. Let’s recap a few of the spots where hate has shown up, and I apologize that I will not name them all. We have seen gun violence including group killings, road rage, and as a way to resolve an argument. There continues to be prejudice against groups and individuals because of race, religion, gender, and nationality. Instead of working together as Americans, some of us want to label our problems as republican or democratic, and instead of having calm dialogues and solving problems, we throw crazy accusations at each other. I believe we live in an incredible country, but right now we have to make a stand against hate and violence. Don’t let hate win.

Where does hate come from? Silvia Dutchevici, LCSW, president and founder of the Critical Therapy Center, says, “We are taught to hate the enemy — meaning anyone different than us — which leaves little room for vulnerability and an exploration of hate through empathic discourse and understanding. In our current society, one is more ready to fight than to resolve conflict. Peace is seldom the option.”

Behavioral researcher Patrick Wanis says, “When we feel threatened by perceived outsiders, we instinctively turn toward our in-group—those with whom we identify—as a survival mechanism”. Wanis explains, “Hatred is driven by two key emotions of love and aggression: One love for the in-group—the group that is favored; and two, aggression for the out-group—the group that has been deemed as being different, dangerous, and a threat to the in-group.”

Psychologist Bernard Golden, author of Overcoming Destructive Anger: Strategies That Work, says, “Acts of hate are attempts to distract oneself from feelings such as helplessness, powerlessness, injustice, inadequacy, and shame. Hate is grounded in some sense of perceived threat. It is an attitude that can give rise to hostility and aggression toward individuals or groups. Like much of anger, it is a reaction to and distraction from some form of inner pain. The individual consumed by hate may believe that the only way to regain some sense of power over his or her pain is to preemptively strike out at others. In this context, each moment of hate is a temporary reprieve from inner suffering.”

Here are a few things to fight hate.

Have calm dialogues with a diverse group of people. Ask questions.

Surround hate victims with comfort and protection.

Don’t deal in absolutes like believing an entire group of people is responsible for our issues.

Stand up to promote tolerance and inclusion.

Report hate crimes.

Turn the talk away from hate to unity.

Interact with a diverse group of people.

Maintain a respectful, inclusive attitude.

Make an effort to understand someone instead of judging them.

Pray.

Hate is an attack on our mental health and our community strength. Hate groups want to divide people and inspire fear. Don’t let them.