Jennifer’s writing

Life can be crazy. There are so many responsibilities, relationships to navigate, health to maintain, and never enough time to do it all. It can create the perfect storm for stress, but there are a few things you can do to eliminate what is known to wreak havoc on our health and affects every part of our lives. Here are a few ideas.

Let others own their issues

Are you a problem solver? When someone gives you the complaint of the day, do you feel you need to solve it for that person? Most people want to be heard. They want someone to listen to their problem. The easiest thing to do is listen and then ask questions to help them come to their own solutions. Although you can be a good friend and offer support and love, everyone needs to come up with individual solutions.

Stop worrying about pleasing people

I am terrible about this, but I am working on it because I know I will never be able to please everyone. I need to be comfortable in my skin and accept that people can like me for who I am or choose not to be my friend. It is too exhausting to try to be someone you are not only because that is who you think people want you to be.

Set boundaries for social media

Social media can be a wonderful tool to connect you with friends and family, but it can also affect your mental state in a negative way. Limit how long you are on, and don’t be pulled into anything that is going to upset you.

Take things a step at a time

Instead of being overwhelmed, break large tasks into smaller ones, and work at it one day at a time.

Surround yourself with love and laughter

Nothing chases stress away faster than laughing until your stomach hurts. Feeling loved and supported does the same thing. My daughter’s business just became very successful, and she was overwhelmed. I said, “Jess, it’s o.k. We are all here to help you.” I could see her body relax like a sigh.

Sleep well

I know this is easier said than done sometimes but follow some of the standard rules for good sleep. Keep the room dark, don’t drink coffee late at night, start to wind down about an hour before bed, and try using white noise like a fan. I also use a lavender essential oil on my pillow and that has helped me to sleep.

Do nothing

Take some time to sit still and don’t work on any tasks. Do what you enjoy. Watch television, talk with friends and family, or swing in a hammock on the porch.

Lose the guilt

I can feel guilty about anything. If I’m not being productive, I ask myself what I should be doing. I wonder if I helped enough with something or supported a friend enough. I have to keep telling myself that all I can do is my best and let the guilt go.

Every family has certain topics that they would rather avoid. They are those subjects that family members would rather keep tucked in the back of the closet. Let me tell you a few of the ones that my family was not good about discussing.

Medical history

Apparently, in my parent’s time, they kept medical history a private matter. This privacy has caused a problem for me twice so far in my life. The first time was when my youngest had an epileptic seizure at 18 months. The doctor asked if my husband or I had a history of epilepsy. I told him that although my sister had it, I did not. Imagine my surprise when I told my sister what happened, and she told me I had had childhood epilepsy. No one ever told me! It would have helped me understand the frequent staring spells I experienced. The second moment was when I had an A-fib attack. Again, the doctor asked if there was any history of heart issues. I told him there were not. My niece later told me that both my parents had suffered from A-fib.

Emotions

Although my parents were very good at showing us how loved we were, they never said, “I love you.” I had four close friends in my junior year of high school who would always say it. I remember talking on the phone with my dad and when it was time to hang up, I said, “I love you.” There was silence on the other end of the line, and he finally said it back, but he wasn’t used to doing that.  

Skeletons in the closet

I knew my grandfather was from a small town in Ireland, and when we came home for Thanksgiving one year, the waitress at our hotel was from that town. We were talking and she said, “Ask your sister if he spoke Gaelic.” Later, when we were all together, I told her about meeting the waitress and the question she asked, and my sister said without missing a beat, “Oh yes, he was a bigamist.” My brother put his drink down and said, “Is there anything else we should know about our family?!”

Mental health

We have had several family members who have struggled with mental health, but no one ever wants to talk about that. It’s almost as if we can pretend it didn’t happen if we don’t discuss it.

Does your family have topics that are taboo to discuss?

Running has been a lifesaver for me many times in the forty years I have been doing it. It has reduced stress and anxiety, helped me with frustration and sadness, and kept me healthy. I know running isn’t for everyone, but so many people have approached me and said they wished they could become a runner, but it looks too hard, takes too much time, and I’d be embarrassed to start because I’m so out of shape, and I heard it ruins your knees.

I hear these fears and more from people who would like to give running a try, so let me address these fears first and then I’ll give you some ideas about how to start. Running is hard at first because your muscles and your lungs have to get used to it. That’s why you should start slowly. Run a minute, walk a minute to start and then gradually build from there. It will eventually be easier. If you are sore at first, eat pickles. The juice helps eliminate muscle soreness. You can fit anything worthwhile into your routine. Many people like to do it early to get it done. No matter what you do and how spectacular you look, there will be people who judge you. It doesn’t matter and runners are the least judgmental people I know. They will admire the fact you showed up. Many things can affect your knees but running by itself is not going to do it. Runner’s world says, “The whole notion that running will ruin your knees is based on the idea that running increases your risk of developing osteoarthritis in this key joint of the leg. But the truth is, it doesn’t.”

Once the excuses have been crushed, here are some steps to start running.

• Check with your doctor that you are cleared for physical activity
• Go to the local running store and do a running test to find the right shoes.
• Get some comfy workout clothes.
• Pick a safe place to run.
• Use a fitness tracker to track your miles. Most phones have one.
• Always let someone know where you will be.
• Relax your shoulders and start running slowly. Practice breathing regularly.
• You can find apps and training guides online.
• Eat healthy meals and snacks.
• Drink plenty of water.
• Set goals.

The minute you take the first step you are a runner. Everything else you do with it from that point is up to you.

There are several things that happen at races that runners new to the racing scene might not notice. The next time you head out to a local race, pay attention to the following behavior. It happens no matter what distance you are doing, and it is always entertaining.

Sizing up the competition

If you are enjoying talking to your friends or performing pre-race rituals like stretching, it is easy to miss this, so take a few minutes to observe the people around you. There will always be people who are assessing the competition. They are deciding if you are a threat to their medal hopes and if you are in their age group. They might strike up casual conversations with you as they ask questions like, “Do you know this course?” “How fast do you usually run this distance?”

I was arriving at an ultra I had never done before that day. As my husband and I walked toward the registration table, my husband said, “Oh, someone sees you as a threat.” I responded, “Me?!” I looked up and the three ladies were looking at me with assessing looks. One said, “Yup, she is at all of these.” I found out later that they thought I was someone else. Oh, well.

Boasting

It can happen in the registration line, or while everyone waits to start, but usually it happens in the line for the bathroom. It usually starts like this, “I’m glad we have good weather today because last month I did the Badlands 350 miler through the desert and the weather was brutal.” Someone else will add, “Oh, the weather makes all the difference. When I did my last 48-hour ultra, we had all types of weather.” The poor person who is doing a 5K for the first time begins to feel less than others. Remember that if someone needs to flaunt her feathers that badly, she might not be as amazing as the image she is painting.

Excuses

This is when a runner tells you all the reasons why he will not perform well in today’s race. The excuses include not sleeping well, being ill, or having a strange injury that won’t go away. A runner makes excuses in case his performance is lackluster, and also to convince his competition that he is not a threat, and they should not pay attention to him.

Racing is full of mental head games. When you go to your next race, see if you notice any of the behaviors I mentioned.

We hear all the time that we should keep a positive attitude, and always look at the bright side of a situation, but what good will that do and how do we keep that positive attitude? In the article, Four Ways to Encourage Positive Thinking in Kids, The First Tee organization writes, “Positive thinking is so powerful — not just for adults but kids as well. Maintaining a positive attitude can be challenging at times, but through practice and encouragement it becomes a skill that can shape and transform lives.”

Practice positive self-talk

Here is a list of 101 positive things to say to yourself. https://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/JournalPages/101-Positive-Things-to-Say-to-Myself2.pdf

You should speak to yourself as you would speak to your best friend. I am terrible about saying negative things about myself both in my head and in public. Sometimes when I say it in public, I do it because I think the self-deprecating humor puts people at ease, but I shouldn’t do it at all. We should feel good about ourselves, starting with building ourselves up with positive words. When you hear friends putting themselves down or speaking negatively about their possibilities, change the narrative to a positive one for them.

Speak of positive possibilities

I often say I am sending positives out in the universe, and the positive energy almost always brings positive results. When I first started doing this my family was skeptical. We would pull into a restaurant where the parking lot was full, and I would say, “We will get right in.” My family would say that wasn’t possible to which I would reply that now I had to send extra positivity to counteract the negativity. We got right in nine out of ten times, and the looks on my family’s faces were priceless. They now believe in sending out positive energy.

When I was teaching, I always started the year with an exercise in positivity. I wanted the students to see how positivity and negativity changed things. I asked a volunteer to hold their arm, shoulder height to the side. The student would repeat, “I will keep my arm up.” I then told the student that I was going to press down on the arm and he should not let me. I will not be able to push it down. I then tell him to say, “I cannot keep my arm up.” When I push on the arm, the arm falls. The students are always surprised, but it is a great way to show the power of the mind.

Give sending out positive energy a try and see what happens. Say what you want to see happen, write it down for extra power and see what happens. Give it more than one attempt before you claim it doesn’t work, and depending on the thought, you may have to wait for results.

Have a growth mindset

So many of us defeat ourselves before we even try something. Instead of saying you cannot do something, say you cannot do it yet, and then find a way to figure it out.

Accept that setbacks happen

Negatives happen to everyone, but the difference is how you react to the negatives.

Look for the silver lining

I had a series of unfortunate health events and I said to my neighbor, “I think I made the universe angry.” She replied, “Jen, all of your issues are fixable.” Remember, there are always reasons to be grateful.

Have you ever been dumbfounded by something someone has said to you? It’s usually something inappropriate or insulting, and you are so surprised someone would say it, that you stand with your mouth open, not knowing how to respond. You eventually come up with a pithy retort, but it is an hour after the fact. Here are a few examples of what I have heard and how I learned to respond accordingly.

Since I have become a woman of a certain age, I notice that many of the unfortunate comments concern age. My husband and I were at a restaurant for breakfast. There was a bowl of creamers for coffee, but they were all hazelnut, and I am allergic to it, so my husband asked the waitress for regular creamer. She replied, “Oh, I know. When you are older, you don’t want the fancy creamers.” When I decide how to respond to comments, I ask myself if it was mean-spirited, or if the person didn’t realize that a comment was offensive. In this case, it was obvious that the waitress did not realize she had insulted us. We still make fun of that moment each time we are out and need creamers.

Another age-related comment elicited a different response from me. My friend Sally and I were looking at the results board at a race, and There’s Nothing Holding Me Back by Shawn Mendez was playing. I said to Sally, “I love this song.” A young lady next to me said with shock, “You like this song?” I replied, “You don’t?” She said, “I love it.” I asked her why she was so surprised I liked the song, and she hesitated and then said as she gets older, she likes younger songs too. I asked her, “Are you saying I’m old?” At this point, Sally and I just started laughing, and the girl walked away. I want to remain kind if I can, but I don’t have any patience with hatefulness.

Pregnant women have to deal with many unfortunate comments too. Comments like “Are you having twins?” “Wow, you are huge!” and many other comments should be kept in our heads.

The last type of comments I’ll mention are the ones truly meant to hurt someone. I think the best way to deal with this type of comment is to confront the person who says it, and let them know it was inappropriate.

No matter what your current roadblock is, you have a choice to stay stuck in front of it, or you can find another way around it. I want to encourage you to be creative, don’t give up, and find another way to make things happen. Let me give you a few examples.

If you are an athlete and you are injured, there are a few things you should do. First, make sure you have whatever medical plan you need to become strong again. Don’t do what I did and wait a month before seeing a doctor, while you hope the injury will heal. I now feel like I have a whole team trying to heal my knee so I can run again. Decide who you need to see to take care of yourself, and don’t forget that rest must be part of the plan.

Next, depending on what your doctor says, decide what activity can you still do to stay strong. I had a pity party when I first hurt my knee because running is very important to me, but I then decided that even if I couldn’t run, there were other activities I could do.

Finally, you must have a strong, upbeat attitude. I decided that not only was I going to be healed, but I was also going to come back stronger.  

If your roadblock is a relationship and it is one that is important to you, you may have to take a different approach than what you have been using. I have a family member who has become distant, and we are not sure why. I worried and stressed myself out about what I could do to make it better, but one day a friend said to me, “Sometimes, all you can do is let him know you love him.” I thought that was good advice, so I no longer mention that I miss him, or ask why he doesn’t want to attend family gatherings, instead, I just tell him he is loved, and hope that eventually, he will feel comfortable with us again.

Do you have colleagues at work who make your workday feel toxic? What can you do to change the situation? Don’t suffer in silence.

What are your roadblocks? We all have them, but the difference is some of us refuse to be stopped by them.    

My husband was telling me about an interview with an athlete. The athlete said that he struggled with his identity, and he would do crazy things to be noticed. His girlfriend told him he was wonderful just the way he was, and he didn’t need to do crazy things. He said it was as if a weight was lifted from his shoulders when he realized he could be himself and be accepted without so much extra effort. I said to my husband that when it comes to our mental health and many other aspects of our lives, we often cause the most problems ourselves. We started to equate the situation to being the driver of your life. Here are a few of the ideas we discussed.

Stay in your own lane

We all know someone who wants to help by giving advice about everything from parenting to doing your job. Advice is great and often helpful but wait until someone asks for it and until then, focus on what you can do and what you are responsible for in your life.

Don’t honk too quickly

I am guilty of being judgmental, but judging someone doesn’t help anyone, and we have no idea what another person might be dealing with in life.

Don’t avoid regular maintenance

Taking care of your mental and physical health is crucial for your quality of life. Do what you can to keep your body and mind strong.

Yield to others

There are moments when you must stop working so hard on a relationship and either walk away or decide to let it take its own course. Realize that we can let others make decisions without our input. We are better off without drama or toxicity.

Beware of bright lights that blind you

We all are pulled in from time to time by something that seems wonderful but is not good for us. We are drawn in by the possibilities without being able to see reality.

Swerve to avoid potholes

Most people have those times in their lives when life knocks them down. Instead of staying down make a plan to recover and come back stronger.

I had my daughter Kait when I was forty-three. When I was deciding whether to have one more child, everyone told me it was a bad idea. I heard statements like “You are too old, why would you want another child at a time when you can have some independence?” I’m so glad I did not listen to those voices because Kait has been such a blessing. I have learned some important life lessons from her. Let me share a few.

Priorities

Before Kait was born, I had become too caught up in my job. When Kait was born, I had to slow down a little, and I realized that my two teenagers and my husband needed as much of my time as my new baby did.

Controlling time

I have always been time obsessed. I never think I have enough time, so I’m always trying to do three things at once. Kait would ask if we could do something, and I would say, “If we have time.” She would always answer, “Mommy, we have all day.” I use those words now if I start to feel the day slip away from me.

The meaning of anxiety

Kait has attention deficit disorder, but her main challenge comes from anxiety. I never really understood until the day I had her come to my school to spend the day, so she would be more comfortable when she attended the following year. We were in the cafeteria, and I was showing her what to do. She said, “What if I don’t do it right?” I said, “That’s o.k. someone will help you.” She was so nervous she started to shake. I know there are people who believe anxiety really isn’t a thing, but it can be debilitating.

Kindness

If I had to pick one adjective to describe Kait, it would be kind. She loves to help people, and she has made me rethink my judgment of someone when I think the person was hateful. She will give that look of disappointment and say, “Mom, you don’t know what she might be going through.”

Family values

Kait loves family first. She enjoys family dinners and anytime we can all be together. Her presents always involve showing her love for you.

I am grateful for all these lessons, and I’m sure there will be more.   

I have always enjoyed being surrounded by plants, but until several years ago, I never considered myself a gardener. My parents had huge gardens, and those gardens helped defray food costs all year because my mom canned anything we did not eat in the summer. I always enjoyed eating the fresh foods that came from those gardens.

Several years ago, I began experimenting with gardening and my husband saw how much joy it brought me, so he built me a garden enclosure with some raised beds. My time in the garden gives me peace and a sense of accomplishment. The peace comes from tending to the plants while I talk to them and sing, and the sense of accomplishment is growing food that I can bring to our table.

Since I started gardening, several friends have mentioned they have always wanted to garden, but they don’t know where to start, or what they need, and they are afraid they will fail. I would love to see more people find the joy that I feel when gardening, so here is a very basic guide to getting started.   

My daughter used one of the excuses that I have heard several times for not being able to garden. She said she did not have a yard, so there wasn’t anywhere to grow anything. You can use containers to grow plants anywhere. I started my tomato plants and my mint inside containers. I have many containers in my actual garden because I don’t have any more room for beds. Make sure there is a hole on the bottom of the container so water can drain through, and if it is a bigger container, put the garden liner in first.

Experiment. Don’t worry about failure. If something doesn’t work the first time, keep trying. I tried potatoes, peanuts, and watermelon for the first time this year.

Ask questions. There are gardening experts all around you. Facebook has gardening groups, local gardens have master gardeners, and you can always find an expert at one of the local garden stores.

Soil matters. My husband likes to follow the rules and do things perfectly, whereas I’m o.k. with winging it. The only thing he insists on though when it comes to gardening is that I start with fresh soil. If you have compost, that is great too.

I hope you will give gardening a try, and I hope you have as much fun with it as I do.