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Peel Away The Layers

Have you ever been in a situation where you meet a stranger and your first impression and the one you leave with are very different? It’s because people have so many layers, and it takes some conversation to peel back the outer layers to see the real person underneath.

Most people want to share their stories if you take the time to listen. Asking some questions based on what the person says will begin to peel the layers away.

I went to our local running store with my husband because I needed running shoes, and I couldn’t find the right pair anywhere else. I run every day and I need at least two pairs that I can change in and out. When we entered the store there were three young clerks and one asked how he could help us. When I told him I needed shoes he asked, “For walking?”. I am 65 so I’m sure his first impression was not, “Oh, I bet she’s a distance runner.” I told him exactly what I needed, and we started to talk about running. My first impression of him was that he was super fit.

It didn’t take long for the layers to start to drop off. His favorite sport is soccer, and although he runs, he has issues because he sweats excessively which causes cramping. Nothing has helped. He told me about a marathon he ran when he started to cramp at mile 15, and mile 25 the cramping was so bad that he was hunched over and hobbling to the finish.

As we talked and laughed he revealed more about himself, and he made a connection with my husband and me. My husband said he would never go anywhere else for shoes now. We would not have made such a positive connection if we hadn’t peeled away the layers.

We often meet people for the first time with our armor on and our shields up. It can be difficult to be transparent at first, but letting who we are shine through can make it easier to relate to each other.

Take some time to listen, ask questions, and peel away the layers.

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Why My Husband is The Better Parent

My husband has made plenty of parenting mistakes like everyone else, but he has consistently done something that makes him a better parent and spouse than I am. When one of his brood is out and about he will wait up until everyone that lives in his house has returned home safely. He doesn’t only do this once in a while. He always does it regardless of how late someone is out.

I know you can probably figure out why this is special to us, but just in case you don’t understand let me tell you why we love that he does this. I have always been a morning person, so if you need my help from 6 a.m.-3 p.m., I’m the one for you. After that time, my energy starts to wane, and by 9 p.m. I’m fading on the couch. I couldn’t stay up late waiting for you to come home if my life depended on it, but I know that having someone waiting to make sure you come home safe makes you feel protected, safe, and loved.

My youngest told me that her boyfriend was surprised the first time she told him she had to go home because her dad was waiting for her. He said, “You have a curfew?”. She said, “No, but he’ll stay up until I’m home, so I don’t want to keep him waiting.” She likes the fact that her dad cares about her and wants to know she is home safe. She also likes having someone to share her adventure du jour. Dad is willing to stay up a little longer to hear a few stories before heading off to bed.

I often hear people say that giving your time is the best gift a parent can give, and I agree because what my husband does for his family has made a lasting impression on his family.

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Your Today Can Change Your Tomorrow

Do you ever find yourself putting off something and saying, “I’ll deal with it tomorrow.”? If you eat badly or skip exercising, you might say, “I’ll do better tomorrow.” We all have those moments when we need to take a break from what we know we should do, and instead do what we want to do even if it is not in our best interest. The problem is if we do that with too many of our todays, our tomorrow is eventually going to be negatively affected.

We have a family member who has just entered hospice. Caring for her during the last year has been an eye-opening experience for my family. All three children have committed to taking control of their health by eating better and exercising. Our family member was overweight and sedentary with no real interests or hobbies. My oldest was just with her to help with her care and she told me as soon as she returned home she was going to make some changes to improve her lifestyle to ensure better health.

When I had an issue with a rapid heartbeat the first question the doctor asked was about the quality of my sleep. When I told him I was awakened frequently during the night because of my husband’s snoring he told me that sleep affected my health and I needed to make sure I was sleeping well for eight hours. How many times do you stay up late working, watching television, or playing video games? You might tell yourself that you will be fine with limited sleep, but it eventually takes a toll on your body.

Another issue to take care of today is our stress levels. Stress can raise our blood pressure, wear down our immune system, and wreak havoc on our mental and physical health. Find some ways to decompress and disconnect.

Pushing off issues and problems until tomorrow can make the problems worse and raise our stress levels. Take care of problems as they arise and having resolutions will be one less thing to cause you worry.

Remember the wisdom of the saying “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.” Start the journey toward your best self today.

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Staying Planted in Positivity

I loved this expression because not only does it encourage us to stay positive, but it also provides us with the image of being planted. If we are planted in positivity we can allow it to nurture us and help us grow.

When you watch a plant grow you know it takes time and patience until the plant has fully blossomed. We become stronger and better with patience and the resources we need to nourish our bodies and spirit. Positivity leads us to the light while negativity is the darkness.

We need to remain positive in our expectations believing that good things are coming our way. Each day is the possibility of new adventures. We have to continue to believe that wonderful things are going to happen. Sometimes our wins require patience, but we need to believe that eventually, they will happen.

Negativity is the enemy that tries to creep in and steal your potential for growth. It robs you of your motivation and your drive. Positivity drives you forward toward your goals.

Here are a few things to help you stay planted in positivity.

Practice gratitude. List all the things you are grateful for in your life.

Surround yourself with positive people because positivity is contagious.

Shift your perspective and change something negative and make it a positive.

Focus on your successes.

You might not see the results you want immediately, but if you stay planted in positivity you will receive what you need.

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You Might Be a Runner If

  • You have at least two drawers dedicated to race t-shirts, but you are incensed if the race organizers do not have your shirt on race day.
  • Finisher medals are the most prominent decoration in your house.
  • You have a pair of running shoes for every type of terrain and weather.
  • You need a second job to pay for all of your race fees.
  • Your books are about caring for injuries and missing toenails.
  • Your idea of a fun time is a race through mud and barbed wire.
  • You can’t remember a time when you weren’t sore somewhere.
  • While others are sleeping late on the weekend you are up early heading out to a race.
  • You have a whole box of finisher medals, and you can’t bear to part with them.
  • You are missing toenails.
  • You are excited about your birthday because it means you are moving into a new age group.
  • Your best stories are about running.
  • All of your first-aid products are related to running.
  • Weather will not deter you from a run.
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A 12-Step Program for People Pleasers

When I think of addiction I define it as something you continue to do even though you know it is harmful for yourself and others. It is difficult to change, but that change could bring enormous benefits to your life. Being a people pleaser fits that definition too.

I hate conflict and drama and spend sleepless nights when someone is angry at me. It doesn’t make a difference if I am completely certain that I did not cause the issue. I wouldn’t say I like feeling that tension and knowing someone thinks I have caused an issue. Although I know this will always be something I will struggle with just as an addict feels the pull of addiction, I also know there are some steps I can take to be less of a people pleaser. Here is my 12-step program.

1. Let others own their issues. The only person you can truly change is yourself. Instead of reacting to a situation or issue, access the reality. So often some aspects are someone else’s responsibility, and you do them more harm than good by taking their burdens on as your own.

2. Don’t enable others. We don’t have to solve everything for the people around us. Doing everything for others will make them reliant on you instead of allowing them to see what they need to do to solve a problem. When you do too much to please others you can lose yourself. A relationship has to be an honest give and take.

3. Be authentic. We don’t have to fit into anyone’s box of perfection. It is exhausting to try to be something you are not and imperfections are more interesting anyway, so be yourself even if you think that is pretty messy.

4. Know when to walk away. I hate to give up on someone, but there are seasons in our relationships, and if that relationship is toxic it is probably time to walk away. Believe me, I know how hard this is for a people pleaser, but you will eventually know you did the right thing.

5. Deal with problems instead of avoiding them. I had a friend who used to say if you ignored a problem long enough it would go away. I think the opposite is true. If you don’t face the conflict it becomes bigger and overwhelms you.

6. Know your worth. People pleasers do not toot their horns very well, but it is important to know that you have value, and you should ask for what you deserve.

7. Set boundaries. This is another very hard action for people-pleasers, but you will be so much happier if you let others know what your guidelines are for how you expect to be treated.

8. Don’t try to be everything to everyone. This is similar to numbers 1 and 2. If you cannot take on a situation or project it is better to let someone know that you would not be able to give it your full attention.

9. Take care of yourself. You can be more productive and help others if you care for yourself first. As a people pleaser, I need time every day to be by myself and recharge.

10. Encourage yourself. Be your best friend and use only positive self-talk.

11. Surround yourself with supportive people. Being around positive, supportive people can make all the difference.

12. Learn to say no. I heard someone say recently that no was a complete sentence. That means you don’t have to follow it up with reasons, and you don’t have to feel guilty.

Good luck with your 12-step program, I hope you can do your best to do what’s best for your happiness.

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Do Runners Trash Talk?

Runners are generally the best people we will meet, so they wouldn’t trash talk, would they? First, we have to admit that there are several forms of trash talk and in my opinion runners use all three. Here are the three types I have heard and how runners use them.

Teasing trash talk

This is the kind of banter I hear the most among runners. It could be a group of runners teasing each other with comments like, “I hope you are ready to eat my dust. I’ll wait for you at the finish or try not to be last.”

My best friend Raleigh and I engage in this type of trash talk all the time. Since Raleigh is not in my age group or of my gender I don’t care if he beats me in a race, but for some reason, he hates it when I beat him. I use those feelings to motivate him. If I have the chance to pass him I will say, “C’mon old man! Am I going to be waiting at the finish line again?” He always speeds up after that. The best moment was during a half-marathon when I swear I stopped every other mile to use the bathroom. Somehow, I managed to catch Raleigh at mile 11. He was struggling with his head down. I ran up next to him, smiled broadly, and said, “Hey, buddy! Were you waiting for me?” The look of shock on his face was so funny that I started laughing and he was able to take off and put some distance between us.

Trash-talking that motivates us to do better and makes us laugh is a good form of teasing.

Mean-spirited trash talk

I believe runners are usually extraordinary people, so I have only experienced negative trash talk twice. I was coaching cross-country and loving every minute. I decided to design a pair of racing spikes on the Nike site. They are beautiful red and yellow lightweight shoes with cross-country written in white letters. The first time I wore them I was running a local race when a woman pulled up next to me and said, “Well, at least you have cool shoes.” I know I am overly sensitive, but I think she was implying that she thought my running was not as cool as my shoes. I was so surprised at a runner being nasty that I said nothing.

The second time was last weekend during a 10k. It was the first 10k I had done in a while, so I decided to run slowly and enjoy the run. Around a mile and a half and the third hill, I walked a few steps. A woman ran up next to me and said, “You shouldn’t have been trying to keep up with me.” I find when it comes to running actions speak louder than words, so I left her in the dust.

Bathroom trash talk

There is an odd type of trash talk that occurs in the line for the bathroom, and it happens with both men and women. This is what it sounds like, “Did you do the Desert 250 last weekend? I had my personal best. I’m only doing this marathon as training for my ultra. I’m doing a marathon every weekend. I have done three Iron Man triathlons.” I think this type of trash talk is to make you feel like you shouldn’t even try to compete. Start at the back and just hope you finish because how could you ever compare to these runners? The truth is that there is usually more to their stories and it isn’t as glorious as they make it out to be.

I hope at your next race you listen to the runners around you and see if you hear any forms of trash talk, and although it can be motivational I hope none of it is mean-spirited.

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The Mental Struggles of Running

You have probably heard runners say that running is more mental than physical because you can convince your body to do almost anything, but your mind does not always want to cooperate. You often have to work just as hard on your mental conditioning as you do the physical. Here are a few situations when mental demons have to be conquered.

You start to find excuses not to run

It’s too cold, too hot, you didn’t sleep well, you are too busy, you could use the time to read the new spreadsheet, (Okay, maybe that will never come up.) The list can go on, but if you make your run part of your daily schedule and head off to do it without even thinking about it you will find it easier.

The negative voices start to whisper

They sound like this, “I’m tired, my body is achy, I am so hungry. How can I be running this slowly I don’t think I can run as far as I want to today.” Tell yourself you will run a few more minutes and see how you feel. Distract yourself by thinking of anything besides the fact you are running. Sometimes you only need to run through the mental wall.

One bad run equals your doom as a runner

Everyone has bad runs. There are some days when you should probably rest, or something is a little off, and the run doesn’t go well. It is not the end of your running career.

I can’t run distance

Distance running is a chance to use your mental games. Divide the distance into small sections so it doesn’t feel like you are taking on the whole distance simultaneously. There is a 5k race we do (I know that’s not really distance running!) and this works well for me. We have run it so many times that I know exactly where each mile marker is, and that makes it seem so much shorter to me.

Tell yourself to run one mile at a time. I had a friend doing her first three-mile race, and she was afraid she couldn’t do it. She asked me to run the race with her. She said she wanted to run a mile and then she would walk the rest. I told her to set the pace and I would run next to her. At one mile, I said, “Let’s see if we can go a little further.” I kept talking with her to distract her and before we knew it we were at mile two. I said, “If we run one more mile you will have run the whole race. Let’s see what we can do.” She ran the whole race and placed third in her age group. I can still hear her scream when her name was called.

Run without expectations

I am very competitive. I know this because on several occasions I have almost wrecked myself trying to pass a woman who I thought was in my age group, only to find out she wasn’t. Lately, I have shifted my goals for racing. When I stand at the starting line I tell myself to enjoy the race because it doesn’t always have to be about coming away with a medal. There have been races where I couldn’t tell you anything about the course because I was so focused. Last Saturday, we ran a race in the country that went past old barns, meadows, and wide-open spaces. It was so peaceful, and I was more focused on what was around me instead of my running. Taking the pressure off can make the run more fun.

I need to walk

I walk a few steps to catch my breath several times in each race, and I believe walking can help you go farther, but if you are running for time you probably want to keep running. There are several tricks you can use. Tell yourself you will run to the next something. (you pick the object) Make it a game to see how many runners you can pass during the race.

If you condition yourself to have the same mental strength as your physical ability you will be unstoppable!

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Mistakes Can Make You Stronger

Mistakes are never fun, but you have never failed at something as long as you learn something from the mistakes. What are the greatest life lessons you have learned because of something that went wrong? Here are a few of mine.

A failure to fit in. I grew up in a town where there were two very distinct classes. You were wealthy or you were not. My family was not, but when it was my turn to go to school, my parents decided to spend the money to send me to private schools. The weekly bomb threats at the public school had something to do with the decision. I didn’t have expensive clothes or a fancy house. I was oblivious to the difference between myself and most of my classmates until one day when a girl said, “What does your dad do?” I replied, “He owns the local gas station.” She looked at me with utter disgust and said, “What are you doing here?” I answered, “The same thing you are.” I tried to act like it didn’t bother me, but her words hurt.

The failure to fit in made me a better person though. I am kinder because of it, and I do my best to make people feel welcome and included.

Parenting fails. I don’t know of anyone who is the perfect parent, and I’m sure we all make mistakes. I have certainly made my share. I will say though that parenting has taught me patience and the importance of apologizing when I’m wrong. It has also taught me not to judge others when my perfect hat keeps slipping.

Relationship Fiascos. I have had a few unfortunate friend relationships when even though all the signs were there saying it was a toxic relationship I kept trying to make it work. I now know that I need to surround myself with people who I enjoy and admire and who feel the same about me. Life is too short for it to be constantly filled with drama.

There are so many more examples, but I’m sure you see the point that although you might think something you did was a mistake or a failure, it might teach you a valuable life lesson.

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When Your Writing is Not Well Received

As writers, we expose ourselves to critique with every piece of writing we create. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and perceptions vary greatly from person to person. It can be hard to hear criticism about your writing, but it will help your mental health if you know how to respond depending on the critique you are receiving.

Feedback that can improve your writing. Sometimes feedback can make you better. I have the habit of overusing the same words too often. I appreciated the editor who told me to stop doing that. I always want to keep growing and learning so if my readers have helpful comments I am grateful.

When it’s not about your writing. I wrote a story for another writing platform about where the tradition Of Christmas lights originated. I received over 100 comments and the majority were very bizarre, ranging from racial comments, (we have the lights so the blacks don’t steal.) to political rants. Most of the readers were taking the opportunity to talk about anything except Christmas lights. I read the comments to my daughter, and she looked at me with wide eyes and said, “This is about Christmas lights?”

The haters. As hard as it is to believe, there are people who only want to be hateful. Do not engage with them because it is a waste of your time.

When the reaction seems off. I once received a rejection from an editor who started off so sweetly as she told me she had liked the story and there were some good points, but then she went on a rant saying I needed to pay my dues with hard work before I could expect success. It was very odd, and I finished reading the e-mail thinking she must have had a stressful day.

The bottom line is a critique that will improve your writing and is respectfully given should be seen as a gift while hateful attacks that do nothing to improve your craft can be ignored. Write on!