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That One Person

I have always thought that the quality of the people in your life is more important than the quantity of those around you. I have had too many situations when someone who I thought was a friend was only using me. I focus more now on surrounding myself with people who bring me peace and make me happy. I believe we all need at least one person who brings us joy in some way. It could be several individuals who fill us in different ways, but if we have one person for those different needs, it can be life changing. Here are a few instances where one person can make a difference.

The one you can always rely on.

Who is the first person you think of when you need help? Everyone needs someone who will be there in a flash, who is always the calm in the storm, and instantly knows what needs to be done. My husband is the one for our family. He knows about things I didn’t even know existed. An example is the time he was passing the refrigerator, stopped and said, “Oh, the filter needs to be changed.” Did you know there is a filter on the outside of the refrigerator that needs to be changed every six months? Go look. It’s on the bottom. Another time, we were walking through the basement when he looked up at our copper pipe and said, “We have a leak. I’ll have to solder that.” I replied, “You know how to solder?” My children and I have asked him to write a book about all the things he knows because we are convinced, we would be lost without him.

The one who makes you laugh.

This is the most important person to me because laughter is a powerful medicine. I was the person for my oldest sister. There was something about my laughter that sent her into hysterics, and within minutes she would run to the bathroom. I would start to giggle about something, and she would have a concerned look on her face, and she would say, “Jen, don’t!”

The one who makes you feel special.

When you are feeling less than your best, this is the person that tells you why you are amazing and convinces you it is true.

The one who is your voice of wisdom.

This is another important person for me because I am oversensitive, and harder on myself than anyone else. I am blessed to have several very wise people around me. I will tell one of them something hateful that someone said, and he will look at me as if I have lost my mind and say something like, “Why do you care?” I need those wise voices in my life.

The one who wraps you up in love.

We all need someone who makes it clear that we are very important to him or her. This person is grateful to be in our life, and not afraid to show us.

People can be exhausting and slightly crazy, so I hope you have at least one person in your life who is a safe place to land.

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Help With The Hard Days

Have you ever had a day when you feel exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally? Most of us have those days occasionally. It usually happens when a perfect storm of challenges hits us in succession. We need a moment and a chance to recharge. There is a great children’s show called Bluey and in one of the episodes the mom heads off to her room to be alone, and when her children ask why she did that, she answers, “Sometimes I just need 20 minutes.”

When we have rough days, and our energies are depleted, we need some ways to recover and recoup our forces. We need to don our mental armor to face another day. Here are a few ways to recover that work for me and I hope they will help you too.

  • Run away. Running away can take a variety of forms. I solve most of my mental fatigue by going for a long run. I can think through what is bothering me or empty my mind completely. If you don’t like to run, go for a walk. Maybe simply the act of moving away restores peace.

You can also run away to a place that brings you joy. That could be a local coffee shop, restaurant, bookstore, or a favorite room in your house. My frequent retreat involves me telling my husband I am going up to my room, and I’m not coming back down. I climb under the covers and either turn on mindless television or read. The other day I had nestled in when my daughter called and told me she was doing the same thing.

  • Go outside. Nature has healing power. I love sitting on the porch while I listen and watch everything happening around me.
  • Be still. I am terrible at this, but I recognize the benefits. I just have difficulty staying still because I want to do a million things, or there are a million things that need to be done. I had gone to the dermatologist to have a skin cancer removed and he told me to take it easy the rest of the day, so I was lying on the couch watching television when my son walked in and said, “Mom, are you sick?!”

My daughter has a three-year old and runs her own business. She is even worse at being still than I am. The other day, her son fell asleep on her and she couldn’t move for two hours while he napped. She told me it is those moments that tell her the importance of slowing down.

When you are still your senses are strengthened and you hear and see things more. Clear your mind and breathe.

  • Take care of something. Taking care of someone or something else is healing and it can take your mind off any troubles you may have. Taking care of something else can make you feel better. It has been proven that pets are good for our mental health. They love us unconditionally, and they can calm us down when our emotions are high. Taking care of plants can have the same effect.
  • Watch your favorite movie. Watching a movie and becoming lost in a story can help us forget our issues.
  • Listen to music. Music is healing. Listen to your favorite tunes and let your problems melt away.
  • Take a nap. A tough day doesn’t seem as bad when we are rested.
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10 Ways to Keep a Toddler Amused

If you ask parents who presently have a toddler, or remember the toddler years, what it is like to parent a toddler, you might see them shiver as a look of fear enters their eyes. They will tell you that the toddler years bring a roller coaster ride because the toddlers are finding their place in the scheme of things, testing the limits, and throwing around emotions like confetti. A parent needs to be patient, creative, flexible, and most of all have a great sense of humor.

One of the goals of parents is to find activities the toddlers will love so the parents can have a few minutes of peace while the toddler plays. My grandson is three and if he is engaged in an activity my daughter will say, “Nobody move, don’t breathe, don’t make a sound.” We all laugh when she says this, but I think she is dead serious. I’m sure she is not alone, so here are a few ideas to keep your toddler busy.

  • Any activity with water. Water will keep a child amused for long periods of time. My husband used to fill up a large plastic container with water and toys and call it Parker’s pool. Parker loved it. A water table has activities to do with water. You can let them play in the kitchen sink, and the bathtub is always good for fun. Even taking a smaller container and letting them put toys in it will keep them amused.
  • A jewelry box. I remember that I loved playing with my mom’s jewelry box which I now let Parker play with. Fill it with old jewelry you no longer use and monitor them to make sure small pieces don’t go in their mouths.
  • Make up games. I have made some of the silliest games with Parker, and he loves them. One game we play is the flashlight game. We start in a room with the lights off, and I count to three then say, “Turn it on!” We then run down the hall, into another room, and then back to the original room where I say, “Turn it off!” We laugh like crazy, and Parker can burn off some energy.
  • Find anything that has buttons to push. You can go to the local thrift store and pick up some interactive games that have lots of buttons.
  • Have a play date. Children love other children. I brought Parker over to play with the neighbor’s toddler and they amused themselves for hours.
  • Go on adventures. Parker has a push bike that has a container on the back. We go around the neighborhood looking for flowers and other interesting things and he puts them in the container. You see things you never noticed before when you are with a toddler.
  • Stack and organize. Anything you can use to make a tower is a great idea and use anything that can be organized or sorted. You can work on learning colors and shapes this way.
  • Arts and crafts. Use stickers to create a work of art. We don’t realize how many free stickers come in our mail. Pull out the address stickers and other stickers that come to us for free. Buy a few sheets from your favorite store, pull out some construction paper and have fun.
  • Make a fortress. I remember that my two oldest could have cared less about the toys we bought for Christmas, they only wanted to build a tunnel fort with the boxes. You can make a fort using sheets and chairs, or if you live in a cold climate, make one with snow.
  • Sidewalk art. Grab a huge bucket of sidewalk chalk and let your artists have a blast. Make sure you have something ready to clean them up before they head back inside.

I hope these ideas will help bring you some peace and laughter!  

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Finding Your Writing Comfort Zone

You have to step out of your comfort zone if you want to learn and grow, but there are times when staying in your comfort zone can make you a better writer too. Finding a healthy balance between pushing yourself to improve as a writer while enjoying what you are doing is easier than you might think.

When I retired, I was so excited to finally have time to write more. I envisaged making lots of money and being able to have writing be my second act. I had spent most of my teaching career wishing I could be a full-time writer, but I was afraid to quit my day job for the dream job.

I struggled the first few months discovering what kind of writer I wanted to be. Everyone told me I should do copywriting, but I didn’t feel comfortable in that area. It wasn’t the type of writing that would bring me joy. I have always enjoyed stories, and articles, so I started writing on Medium. I was so discouraged to see my earnings, or rather lack of earnings the first few months. I think my first payout was for $3.50.

My husband was the one who saved me. I was complaining about not making any money, and he said, “Why do you want to write?” I answered, “Because I have something to say, and I think I can help people through my experiences.” “What do you want to write?” “A little of everything, but I want to decide on the topics.” “Then write because you love it. Don’t worry so much about the money.”

I stopped looking at possible writing jobs that sent my stress level soaring and started enjoying what I was writing. My Medium earnings never went through the roof, but I have written four books in four years, and my first novel is at a publisher being evaluated.   

I smile the entire time I am writing, and it fills me with a sense of peace because I am doing something that brings me so much joy. If I could help you find your writing comfort zone, here is what I would tell you.

  • Know why you are writing.
  • Who do you want to write for?
  • What type of writing brings you joy?
  • If you write a book, research the different kinds of publishers, don’t pay for it, and find someone who will respect your work.
  • Continue to reflect on your writing, and what goals you might have.
  • Don’t force your writing.

Good luck in your writing career. I hope you find your comfort zone that will lead to your identity as a writer.

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Questions to Ask to Live Your Best Life

We often become so busy just making it through a day that we don’t take the time we should to reflect on how everything is going in our lives. Asking questions about our lives can help keep us on track to lead the lives we want. So, what questions should we be asking? Here are a few to start you reflecting on your life.

What is your why?

This is the most important question because it means what do you think your purpose is? Why do you do what you do? Everyday, I want to lift up as many people as possible. I’m not wealthy, so I cannot help someone financially, but I am good at encouraging and sharing advice that has helped me. A former student told me recently that I was a safe haven for many students at our high school. That answers my why. I want to make life a little easier, slightly more fun for anyone I can. What is your why?

Who do you want surrounding you?

I recently decided I need to make a conscious effort to surround myself with good people who are also encouragers and who have kind hearts. I spent too many years being a passive people pleaser who tolerated toxic individuals. Now, I want people surrounding me who make me smile and who enjoy being around me as much as I do them.

What are your deal breakers?

Everyone has a few actions they think cross the line of acceptable behavior. You should create boundaries where those deal breakers are concerned and don’t accept those actions. My deal breakers are lying, manipulation, talking behind my back, and disrespect. I will speak up when any of those behaviors arise and do my best to distance myself from the person doing them.

What are the things that bring you joy and peace?

I love people and interaction. I often say I love a little chaos, but I have a people/noise meter and when it runs out, I need to escape to have some quiet. I have a few escapes that bring me both joy and peace. Here are mine.

Being outside

Gardening

Running/walking

Biking

Reading

Writing

Music

If things are really bad, you can find me at Starbucks with a vente passion tea lemonade, or in Staples preparing to add to my huge collection of journals.

Where are you happiest?

Everyone has a spot that makes them smile. Mine would be outside, or in our sunroom. The sunroom is bright and my office is there with all my favorite things including a couch for the dog and the perfect nap couch for my cat and I.

What are your goals and dreams?

What are your hopes for the years to come? Do you have a bucket list full of places to visit and things to do? Make a vision board with pictures of all the things you hope to see in your life.

What are your weapons for success?

How will you stay happy? Cultivate good friendships, demand respect, laugh, take care of yourself, and choose joy.

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Calming the Storms in our lives

We all have different storms that rise in our lives, but there are tools we can use to calm them and maintain our peace. Here are a few of those storms and how to avoid being overwhelmed by them.

Drama

Have you ever been pulled into a drama when someone confides in you that she has been horribly wronged and you jump in with both feet because you want to be supportive, but then you hear the whole story and realize she and possibly you overreacted? We have all been stuck in that messy spot of discord. The next time someone presents her drama, practice some restraint before reacting. Ask some questions for understanding, do your best to look at the situation without allowing emotions to take over, and give the person a chance to talk about the issue. When someone shares an incident, our reaction can either escalate the situation, or take it down a notch, and you can often alleviate the tension by allowing the individual to talk it out without offering too many of your own opinions. Stay calm and don’t match emotions. Drama can’t happen if you don’t engage.

Disruption/change

Change can be exciting, but it also comes with a certain amount of disruption. Plan for the changes that you can predict. Have a plan B for those you cannot. Make lists with an action plan. Put mission critical at the top of the list and click tasks off as you complete them. Ask for help when you can and give yourself grace when you have challenges. Frustration and worry are peace steelers and they don’t do anything to solve the problem.

Instigators

I’m sure you will not be surprised to know that people will be responsible for the biggest storms in our lives, but most of the time we can choose not to allow them to steal our peace. Instigators ask questions to hurt you or to stir up trouble. They are never interested in your answer, they only want to know how much damage they can cause. The best scenario is not to react the way they want you to. I had someone ask me what I did all day since I was retired, and before I could answer they moved on to ask me if my youngest daughter had been a mistake. Sometimes you have to realize where a question is coming from.

I hope the storms in your life are gentle, and manageable. Remember you always have the power to calm the effects even though it might seem overwhelming at first.

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Overcoming Parental Guilt

No one prepares you for the guilt you will feel as a parent. Of course, parenting comes with plenty of responsibilities, but most of the guilt you feel is unnecessary. Let me give you a few examples.

My son was born with a bleeding blood vessel on his brain. We had the choice of an operation when he was a week old that would fix the vessel, or not doing the operation and risking that he would be impaired mentally. There was a 50% chance he would not survive the operation, but I felt I needed to do what was best for him for the long term. I felt guilty because I thought I might have caused the problem because I continued to run during my pregnancy. I also felt guilty about all the tests he had to undergo. I had to pump instead of breastfeeding him because he was in an incubator for 2 weeks. I was convinced the whole situation was my fault, but in retrospect I realize I was wrong. It was a devastating time emotionally, and guilt on top of worry made everything worse.  

Any time my children had an issue at school, I found a way to feel guilty because there must have been something I could have done better. I should have realized my children always needed to take responsibilities for their actions. We can do our best to teach them right and wrong, but then we have to monitor and pray.

There are so many other unfounded examples of guilt. You wonder if you do enough for your child, but you don’t want to enable them. Are you pushing them enough or too much? Parenting can be a mine field for guilt. So, what can you do to calm those feelings? Here are a few ideas.

  • Keep telling yourself you are doing your best.
  • Talk to other parents. Sharing stories will validate your abilities as a parent.
  • Learn to laugh at minor parental fails.
  • Ask for help.
  • Don’t let the little cherubs play you.
  • Remember what you did right.
  • Don’t compare yourself to other parents.

Parenting doesn’t come with a guidebook, you have to figure it out as you go, and do your best to make good memories.

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Embrace the Chaos

What’s your morning like? Do you rise at 4 before the rest of the family to do some inspirational reading and ease into the day? If you do then most people will envy you because a typical morning for most is absolute mayhem.

If you have children, morning means rising before them hoping you might have an advantage, but one child runs, (why do they never walk?) into the kitchen wearing last year’s Halloween costume and cannot understand why he cannot wear it to school. The next child arrives looking like a zombie because he snuck his tablet under the covers and played until 2 a.m. when the battery died. Your daughter arrives next looking pristine in a beautiful white pair of pants and an appropriate top. Just as you are sighing that one of your children has it all together, your husband lets the dog inside. The dog has been rolling in a mud puddle, and of course, he heads straight for your daughter, shakes sending brown water everywhere, and then jumps up on your daughter. The chaos erupts in your daughter’s screams, your son telling you why his costume is perfect and son number two curling up on the floor amid the muck.

How would you react to this situation? Would you show anger and start yelling at everyone? Would you cry, or would you laugh and embrace the chaos?

We cannot always choose what will happen to us, but we have a choice about how we will react. I have always told my children that when things go crazy, be the calm in the middle of the storm. Here is why I say that.

Don’t allow your emotions to rule you. If you react badly when things go wrong, you can’t think clearly, and you might not achieve a favorable outcome. Take a deep breath and solve each problem at a time.

You are always teaching your children. Your children are always watching you for clues on how to act. When you keep your cool under pressure you are showing them the right way to respond to difficult situations.

How you start your day impacts the rest of your day. If you can laugh at the situation and help your children figure out how to turn things around, you are teaching them how to problem solve.

Chaos situations make great stories, and they often involve the need to work together to solve the chaos. Make those memories even when they are a little messy.

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How to Guard Your Peace

How to Guard Your Peace

We are bombarded by issues, emotions, drama, and noise every day. We have to find a way to filter out the negative to stay healthy mentally. Here are a few ideas that should help.

Humor

Humor can diffuse most negative situations. When something embarrassing happens to you and you can laugh about it, not only do you feel better about it, but you also make yourself more approachable, and you will ease any awkwardness the situation may have caused. If the situation involves someone trying to make you look bad, you take away her weapons when you can laugh at yourself. Don’t give someone the negative reaction he was hoping for.

Let other’s own their issues

If you are a people person and a problem solver like me, you probably want to help everyone with their issues, but those are burdens that are too heavy for you to bear. You can offer empathy, but let others solve their issues.

Don’t engage in drama

It takes at least 2 people to create a drama, and once the fire is started, you may end up getting burned, so think twice before joining the drama party, because all that conflict can wear you out.

Hear the whole story before reacting

Have you ever reacted before you heard the whole story only to find out you would have reacted very differently if you had heard all the facts? We have all jumped on the judgment bus too quickly at one time or another. Take the time to investigate everything that happened.

Realize it’s not personal

When someone creates drama, it usually stems from an issue someone else has, and actually has nothing to do with you. Don’t let your feelings be hurt because someone else has a perception that is off kilter.

Know how to destress

Life can be chaotic and stressful, so you need to have your anti-stress weapons. Use what works to help you eliminate stress. Some people use cooking, music, reading, or movement. Find what works for you.

Disconnect

I have times when I have to turn off my phone, my computer, and the television, and run away from people. Usually, I take a good book and swing in the hammock. We all need those moments when we don’t need to interact.  

Find your quiet time

Carve out some time in your day when you can sit and be quiet or go for a run or walk by yourself. I have gotten up early before and had coffee on the deck. The quiet is healing.