Jennifer’s writing

Do you ever reflect on the wisdom you have learned through the years and wish you could share it with others to help them avoid some of the struggles it took to gain that wisdom? I often think struggles are more important than wisdom though. Dealing with life’s curveballs makes you stronger, but I do think there are some points about life that are important to remember. Here is my list.

Find your roses. I ran a mentor program at my school and one of the first things I told the new teachers was to find the people they enjoyed being around. Look for people with positive attitudes who could lift them up and be there. The same is true in life. Don’t waste time with toxic people.

Control your thoughts. I can criticize myself better than anyone else and I am constantly reminding myself to change my thoughts and to be kinder to myself. If you can work on only having uplifting thoughts about yourself, you will see a difference.

See the possibilities. When I was a teacher, I admired our head of school because she never said no right away when you had an idea. She would ask why that idea should be implemented and how it could be done. She always looked for the possibilities instead of seeing something as impossible.

Shut out the noise. When I say noise, I mean anything that disturbs your peace. The noise could be judgment, social media, toxicity, the news, or negativity of any kind. Find moments everyday when you can sit in silence and regroup.

Do what soothes you. If you find joy in something, you should do it even if you are worried that others will judge you. Have fun!

Laugh. Laughter is healing for you and the people around you.

Create healthy boundaries. You have to let people know what is okay to do or say. You will have to do this with loved ones as well as colleagues and friends.

Rest. I had several heart rhythm issues (Afib) a few years ago. My doctor gave me every heart test out there, and nothing came back showing a reason for the issue. My doctor asked me, “How are you sleeping? Sleep is everything.” At the time, my sleep was fragmented because my husband was snoring so much. We resolved that problem, and I haven’t had an episode since then.  

Spend time with children and animals. Both children and animals love unconditionally, and they have the power to make us laugh. There can be two drops of dew on the grass in the morning, and my border collie will look like he jumped in the pool after playing and it makes me laugh every time.

Spread kindness like confetti. Everyone is dealing with a burden. Some people hide the issues, but they are still there. Kindness is always a good idea. You never know when a kind word or action is coming at the perfect time.

My oldest sister Pat was always my voice of reason, and she always knew if something was bothering me. I loved sitting in her kitchen eating whatever she had made for me as a meal. She was my safe place, a comfy hug in a person. I also had a positive effect on her because something about my laughter was contagious for her. I would start to laugh, she would giggle and say, “No Jen! Don’t start!” then she would laugh so hard she couldn’t breathe.

My sister loved people and parties. She enjoyed listening to everyone’s stories and sharing the gossip later. She loved life, but an unfortunate series of events in her life, and some bad decisions about how to cope with these events wreaked havoc in her life.

My sister and brother-in-law were married for thirty years. At first, my father did not approve of my brother-in-law, and he was forbidden to see my sister. They eloped and my father told my mother that neither of them was allowed in our house ever again. It was several years and two children later before he agreed to allow my sister back into our house. It seemed like a beautiful love story to me. Two people who overcame challenges to be together.

After twenty years of working in hospital administration, my sister mentioned regularly that she was exhausted and wished she could retire, but she had to wait five more years to receive her pension. My brother-in-law told her she could retire and not to worry about finances. I remember she was so happy to be able to stop working.

I was at the gym one night when my sister called me. All she said was that I needed to come to her house right away. When I arrived, she said, “He wants a divorce.” I thought I heard her wrong but we eventually found out he was having an affair with a younger woman at work. We also discovered he had been cheating on her with various women throughout their entire marriage. She was not only going to lose her husband, but she was also going to struggle financially because she had lost her pension when he assured her, she could retire.

He stayed in the house for several more weeks and one day my sister noticed something strange in the laundry basket. When my mom died, my sister had taken many of her clothes. As my sister reached into the laundry basket to fold the clothes, she noticed that one of my mom’s blouses had blood over the heart. She yelled down to her husband and asked if he had gotten blood on the blouse, but he said he never touched it. My sister felt it was my mom expressing her sorrow.

After the divorce, her ex-husband married the younger woman who was catholic. She wanted the archbishop to annul my sister’s marriage. I couldn’t believe that would be considered after someone had been married for thirty years, but we all had to write letters, and thankfully the request was denied.

I am convinced my sister loved my brother-in-law until the day she died. She was already a smoker, but she increased the amount she smoked and began drinking a glass or two of wine to relieve the sadness.

The next blow came when she was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after the divorce. She was heartbroken and alone, facing a challenging treatment. I stopped by and brought her lunch one day, and she told me five years later that she was going to take her life that day, and what I said to her that day stopped her. I know God put me there that day and helped me find the right words.

My sister beat breast cancer and decided to do something to change things. She went out west to visit a man she had known for years, and they began a relationship. He moved in and lived with her for twenty years until he died of a massive heart attack. While I was trying to console her, I said that he had loved her. She answered, “I don’t think he did.” After his death, the one or two glasses of wine turned into a bottle a day. She was diagnosed with emphysema but continued to chain smoke.

She turned into an addict before my eyes, and I had no idea how to help her because the main cause of the addiction was an attempt to cope with a broken heart. She didn’t feel loved, and she went looking for the solution in the wrong places.

I will always wish that I had more time with my sister, and I wonder what I could have done to help her.