Jennifer’s writing

You have to step out of your comfort zone if you want to learn and grow, but there are times when staying in your comfort zone can make you a better writer too. Finding a healthy balance between pushing yourself to improve as a writer while enjoying what you are doing is easier than you might think.

When I retired, I was so excited to finally have time to write more. I envisaged making lots of money and being able to have writing be my second act. I had spent most of my teaching career wishing I could be a full-time writer, but I was afraid to quit my day job for the dream job.

I struggled the first few months discovering what kind of writer I wanted to be. Everyone told me I should do copywriting, but I didn’t feel comfortable in that area. It wasn’t the type of writing that would bring me joy. I have always enjoyed stories, and articles, so I started writing on Medium. I was so discouraged to see my earnings, or rather lack of earnings the first few months. I think my first payout was for $3.50.

My husband was the one who saved me. I was complaining about not making any money, and he said, “Why do you want to write?” I answered, “Because I have something to say, and I think I can help people through my experiences.” “What do you want to write?” “A little of everything, but I want to decide on the topics.” “Then write because you love it. Don’t worry so much about the money.”

I stopped looking at possible writing jobs that sent my stress level soaring and started enjoying what I was writing. My Medium earnings never went through the roof, but I have written four books in four years, and my first novel is at a publisher being evaluated.   

I smile the entire time I am writing, and it fills me with a sense of peace because I am doing something that brings me so much joy. If I could help you find your writing comfort zone, here is what I would tell you.

• Know why you are writing.
• Who do you want to write for?
• What type of writing brings you joy?
• If you write a book, research the different kinds of publishers, don’t pay for it, and find someone who will respect your work.
• Continue to reflect on your writing, and what goals you might have.
• Don’t force your writing.

Good luck in your writing career. I hope you find your comfort zone that will lead to your identity as a writer.

We often become so busy just making it through a day that we don’t take the time we should to reflect on how everything is going in our lives. Asking questions about our lives can help keep us on track to lead the lives we want. So, what questions should we be asking? Here are a few to start you reflecting on your life.

What is your why?

This is the most important question because it means what do you think your purpose is? Why do you do what you do? Everyday, I want to lift up as many people as possible. I’m not wealthy, so I cannot help someone financially, but I am good at encouraging and sharing advice that has helped me. A former student told me recently that I was a safe haven for many students at our high school. That answers my why. I want to make life a little easier, slightly more fun for anyone I can. What is your why?

Who do you want surrounding you?

I recently decided I need to make a conscious effort to surround myself with good people who are also encouragers and who have kind hearts. I spent too many years being a passive people pleaser who tolerated toxic individuals. Now, I want people surrounding me who make me smile and who enjoy being around me as much as I do them.

What are your deal breakers?

Everyone has a few actions they think cross the line of acceptable behavior. You should create boundaries where those deal breakers are concerned and don’t accept those actions. My deal breakers are lying, manipulation, talking behind my back, and disrespect. I will speak up when any of those behaviors arise and do my best to distance myself from the person doing them.

What are the things that bring you joy and peace?

I love people and interaction. I often say I love a little chaos, but I have a people/noise meter and when it runs out, I need to escape to have some quiet. I have a few escapes that bring me both joy and peace. Here are mine.

Being outside

Gardening

Running/walking

Biking

Reading

Writing

Music

If things are really bad, you can find me at Starbucks with a vente passion tea lemonade, or in Staples preparing to add to my huge collection of journals.

Where are you happiest?

Everyone has a spot that makes them smile. Mine would be outside, or in our sunroom. The sunroom is bright and my office is there with all my favorite things including a couch for the dog and the perfect nap couch for my cat and I.

What are your goals and dreams?

What are your hopes for the years to come? Do you have a bucket list full of places to visit and things to do? Make a vision board with pictures of all the things you hope to see in your life.

What are your weapons for success?

How will you stay happy? Cultivate good friendships, demand respect, laugh, take care of yourself, and choose joy.

We all have different storms that rise in our lives, but there are tools we can use to calm them and maintain our peace. Here are a few of those storms and how to avoid being overwhelmed by them.

Drama

Have you ever been pulled into a drama when someone confides in you that she has been horribly wronged and you jump in with both feet because you want to be supportive, but then you hear the whole story and realize she and possibly you overreacted? We have all been stuck in that messy spot of discord. The next time someone presents her drama, practice some restraint before reacting. Ask some questions for understanding, do your best to look at the situation without allowing emotions to take over, and give the person a chance to talk about the issue. When someone shares an incident, our reaction can either escalate the situation, or take it down a notch, and you can often alleviate the tension by allowing the individual to talk it out without offering too many of your own opinions. Stay calm and don’t match emotions. Drama can’t happen if you don’t engage.

Disruption/change

Change can be exciting, but it also comes with a certain amount of disruption. Plan for the changes that you can predict. Have a plan B for those you cannot. Make lists with an action plan. Put mission critical at the top of the list and click tasks off as you complete them. Ask for help when you can and give yourself grace when you have challenges. Frustration and worry are peace steelers and they don’t do anything to solve the problem.

Instigators

I’m sure you will not be surprised to know that people will be responsible for the biggest storms in our lives, but most of the time we can choose not to allow them to steal our peace. Instigators ask questions to hurt you or to stir up trouble. They are never interested in your answer, they only want to know how much damage they can cause. The best scenario is not to react the way they want you to. I had someone ask me what I did all day since I was retired, and before I could answer they moved on to ask me if my youngest daughter had been a mistake. Sometimes you have to realize where a question is coming from.

I hope the storms in your life are gentle, and manageable. Remember you always have the power to calm the effects even though it might seem overwhelming at first.

No one prepares you for the guilt you will feel as a parent. Of course, parenting comes with plenty of responsibilities, but most of the guilt you feel is unnecessary. Let me give you a few examples.

My son was born with a bleeding blood vessel on his brain. We had the choice of an operation when he was a week old that would fix the vessel, or not doing the operation and risking that he would be impaired mentally. There was a 50% chance he would not survive the operation, but I felt I needed to do what was best for him for the long term. I felt guilty because I thought I might have caused the problem because I continued to run during my pregnancy. I also felt guilty about all the tests he had to undergo. I had to pump instead of breastfeeding him because he was in an incubator for 2 weeks. I was convinced the whole situation was my fault, but in retrospect I realize I was wrong. It was a devastating time emotionally, and guilt on top of worry made everything worse.  

Any time my children had an issue at school, I found a way to feel guilty because there must have been something I could have done better. I should have realized my children always needed to take responsibilities for their actions. We can do our best to teach them right and wrong, but then we have to monitor and pray.

There are so many other unfounded examples of guilt. You wonder if you do enough for your child, but you don’t want to enable them. Are you pushing them enough or too much? Parenting can be a mine field for guilt. So, what can you do to calm those feelings? Here are a few ideas.

• Keep telling yourself you are doing your best.
• Talk to other parents. Sharing stories will validate your abilities as a parent.
• Learn to laugh at minor parental fails.
• Ask for help.
• Don’t let the little cherubs play you.
• Remember what you did right.
• Don’t compare yourself to other parents.

Parenting doesn’t come with a guidebook, you have to figure it out as you go, and do your best to make good memories.

What’s your morning like? Do you rise at 4 before the rest of the family to do some inspirational reading and ease into the day? If you do then most people will envy you because a typical morning for most is absolute mayhem.

If you have children, morning means rising before them hoping you might have an advantage, but one child runs, (why do they never walk?) into the kitchen wearing last year’s Halloween costume and cannot understand why he cannot wear it to school. The next child arrives looking like a zombie because he snuck his tablet under the covers and played until 2 a.m. when the battery died. Your daughter arrives next looking pristine in a beautiful white pair of pants and an appropriate top. Just as you are sighing that one of your children has it all together, your husband lets the dog inside. The dog has been rolling in a mud puddle, and of course, he heads straight for your daughter, shakes sending brown water everywhere, and then jumps up on your daughter. The chaos erupts in your daughter’s screams, your son telling you why his costume is perfect and son number two curling up on the floor amid the muck.

How would you react to this situation? Would you show anger and start yelling at everyone? Would you cry, or would you laugh and embrace the chaos?

We cannot always choose what will happen to us, but we have a choice about how we will react. I have always told my children that when things go crazy, be the calm in the middle of the storm. Here is why I say that.

Don’t allow your emotions to rule you. If you react badly when things go wrong, you can’t think clearly, and you might not achieve a favorable outcome. Take a deep breath and solve each problem at a time.

You are always teaching your children. Your children are always watching you for clues on how to act. When you keep your cool under pressure you are showing them the right way to respond to difficult situations.

How you start your day impacts the rest of your day. If you can laugh at the situation and help your children figure out how to turn things around, you are teaching them how to problem solve.

Chaos situations make great stories, and they often involve the need to work together to solve the chaos. Make those memories even when they are a little messy.

How to Guard Your Peace

We are bombarded by issues, emotions, drama, and noise every day. We have to find a way to filter out the negative to stay healthy mentally. Here are a few ideas that should help.

Humor

Humor can diffuse most negative situations. When something embarrassing happens to you and you can laugh about it, not only do you feel better about it, but you also make yourself more approachable, and you will ease any awkwardness the situation may have caused. If the situation involves someone trying to make you look bad, you take away her weapons when you can laugh at yourself. Don’t give someone the negative reaction he was hoping for.

Let other’s own their issues

If you are a people person and a problem solver like me, you probably want to help everyone with their issues, but those are burdens that are too heavy for you to bear. You can offer empathy, but let others solve their issues.

Don’t engage in drama

It takes at least 2 people to create a drama, and once the fire is started, you may end up getting burned, so think twice before joining the drama party, because all that conflict can wear you out.

Hear the whole story before reacting

Have you ever reacted before you heard the whole story only to find out you would have reacted very differently if you had heard all the facts? We have all jumped on the judgment bus too quickly at one time or another. Take the time to investigate everything that happened.

Realize it’s not personal

When someone creates drama, it usually stems from an issue someone else has, and actually has nothing to do with you. Don’t let your feelings be hurt because someone else has a perception that is off kilter.

Know how to destress

Life can be chaotic and stressful, so you need to have your anti-stress weapons. Use what works to help you eliminate stress. Some people use cooking, music, reading, or movement. Find what works for you.

Disconnect

I have times when I have to turn off my phone, my computer, and the television, and run away from people. Usually, I take a good book and swing in the hammock. We all need those moments when we don’t need to interact.  

Find your quiet time

Carve out some time in your day when you can sit and be quiet or go for a run or walk by yourself. I have gotten up early before and had coffee on the deck. The quiet is healing.

I will agree with you if you tell me social media has an ugly side, but there are some valuable resources there for us too.

When I was teaching A.P. French I felt like I was alone on an island. There wasn’t anyone with whom I could brainstorm for activity ideas, and I was in serious need of resources and support. The history teacher told me there were A.P. teacher Facebook groups. She told me they had been a lifesaver for her, so I took a look.

It felt like Christmas when I first looked at the Facebook group for A.P. French. It consisted of other A.P. teachers who were collaborating and sharing resources and ideas. It was a spot where you could ask questions and share frustrations. I was a better teacher because of this group.

After the positive experience with the teaching groups, I decided to see what else was out there, and I discovered there is a bit of everything. I love to garden, but most of the time I have no idea what I’m doing. I just plant and pray. I often have questions, so I joined a Facebook group for gardening. I sometimes plant seeds, and then forget what I planted. I had to send a picture of a particularly hardy plant to the group to see what it was and the reply came back instantly that it was okra.

As a writer, I have so much to learn, so I joined several writing groups. I also need ways to market my writing, and I found Facebook groups for vending events where I can go to sell my books.

One of my best finds was a Facebook group that alerts you to sales and deals at retailers. Everything seems to cost so much these days that I appreciate finding discounts. She finds sales for everything including clothes, food, shoes, toys, and furniture. I need to focus on just one, but you can find a lot of groups like this.

Whatever your need is, I hope you will search for it in Facebook groups. I don’t think you will be disappointed.  

Red flag moments happen when something tells us that we should stop or proceed with caution. It could be something someone says or does, or it can be a gut reaction or intuition that tells us something is not right. The best thing we can do when we experience a red flag moment is to eliminate ourselves from the situation if possible because they are usually portents of worse things to come. Even though we might know red flags in life are serious warnings, most of us have ignored one at one time, or failed to see it until the flag turned into a train headed straight our way.

What are some examples of red flags? They are referenced often in relationships, but red flags can involve every aspect of our lives, and most of the time we should heed the warning. Here are a few examples.

Your boyfriend tells you he doesn’t know if he will ever be able to love you as much as you would like. You ignore that statement and continue with the relationship to find out that what he was trying to tell you was that he can’t ever love you as much as he loves himself. Everything will always revolve around him, and he doesn’t have much emotion left for you.

Another red flag is when someone tries to control everything you do. There are rules for everything including how you dress, who you see, what you eat, and where you go.

If someone has anger issues and shows anger towards you, anyone else, or an animal, this is a sign they have not found a way to properly channel emotions and it is a large red flag.

When someone has a history of infidelity, don’t assume you will be the person that will be treated faithfully.

When someone has no connections with others, or he tries to eliminate your connections, a red flag is waving.

When someone always plays the victim and is always blaming others for his mistakes, you should proceed with caution.

If someone feels that she does everything better than anyone else, and constantly wants to show you what you did wrong, you should see red.

If you feel exhausted after interacting with someone, that is a red flag to not proceed with the relationship.

If there is a complete lack of communication, you need to rethink the situation.

If you are faced with red flags, here are some action steps to take.

• Don’t think you can change someone’s mind. If someone says, “I don’t want children.” Don’t think you can marry this person and convince him to have children.
• Don’t take it personally. When someone is toxic, it isn’t because of something you did.
• Stay calm and remove yourself from the situation.
• Ask for support if necessary.  
• Limit contact when possible.
• Set boundaries.
• Know when to leave

Remember to listen to your instincts, and watch for those red flags!