Everyone wishes for things throughout their lives. Some of those wishes and prayers come true, and some do not but God often sends us the answer to our prayers by sending us people not things. Think about the people who have had the biggest impact on your life, did they show up when you needed them? Take a minute and think about the people who are precious to you. How have they changed or helped you? Have you been an impact in someone else’s life? We often have a huge impact on someone’s life without even knowing it. Something we do or say can alter someone’s entire life, and we can make an impact with even a short encounter.
A small gesture can turn someone’s day around. A smile, a compliment, or a small conversation can make someone feel important and lift their spirits. When we do acts of kindness or take the time to listen to someone’s story, we are showing the person that he or she is worthy of our time.
I had a funny experience on my way to work one day. I was in a horrible mood and I was really trying to turn my attitude around, but it was not working. I stopped to get a coffee at a convenience store and as I came out the man in the car next to me said “Miss, you have a pen stuck to your back.” Now since this sounded odd even for me, the woman who had sat in the front of a school assembly with a Velcro curler stuck to my back, I repeated what he had said. “I have a pen stuck to my back?!!” “Yes ma’am.” was the reply. Well, I really did not doubt him, and I just started laughing which made him laugh and sure enough, a pen had somehow lodged itself in my sweater. My mood suddenly became much lighter and retelling the story at work perked up a few other people as well. A little laughter and conversation can lighten someone else’s load.
Giving of yourself to others is the best way to give back to you. It makes you feel good to do something nice for someone else and if you have some troubles of your own, the quickest way to forget them is to focus on someone else.
I have noticed that some of my dearest friends appeared in my life when I needed them most, and the important people in your life seem to show up when you least expect it.
God speaks through people so always keep your ears open for messages that you need to hear.
Help God lift more people up in the following ways;
Smile
Make small gestures of kindness. A small act from you can make a big difference.
Stay positive.
See the humor in everything you do and help others laugh.
Be more aware of the people around you.
Give freely and often.
Listen
Do everything with a spirit of love and you can do no wrong.
We all know someone who seems absolutely perfect; she rises at 4 to do some reflective reading, goes to the gym, comes back in time to drive the children to school and of course, they are carrying a perfectly healthy, made from scratch lunch. She then prepares for work and leaves the house looking like a runway model. It is exhausting just contemplating what it must be like to always try to be that perfect. The truth though if you pay attention is everyone has chinks in their armor; it’s just a matter of time until the imperfections shine through. Let me give you a few examples; I knew two young women who were show-stopping beautiful. They looked absolutely perfect to me and I remember wondering what it would be like to be that gorgeous. One day I casually asked them why they were always late. The answer that they gave me was not what I expected. They both told me that they were terrified that they would not look good. They would try on multiple pieces of clothing and redo their hair and makeup over and over until they looked just right. I decided at that moment that beauty was not worth that level of anxiety. I know another woman who I consider to be beautiful inside and out but I finally realized that she is trying to model herself after a friend that she considers to be perfect. She will never be content or able to see her own beauty.
Our media gives us images of perfection that are often hard to achieve. I would suggest that it is healthier for us to each be the best that we can be without feeling that we need to compare ourselves to others or do something that is not comfortable for us because we perceive it as what everyone else is doing. Imperfection is so much more interesting and approachable than perfection.
Don’t jump to conclusions when you first meet someone because usually, the more perfect a life seems, the more issues are hiding below the surface. Be content with being the best you can be while maintaining your sanity.
Perfect people can act as inspiration though. There are times when I become stuck in a comfortable routine when I could be doing better in one area or another. Sometimes something that a perfect person says or does will push you to improve on something. Improvement can lead to greatness, perfection can lead to therapy.
What we see in someone’s character or physique is not necessarily what that individual sees.
We only have to watch the bad auditions on American Idol when the singers argue that they did a great job when it is so obvious that they did not. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard someone make a statement about themselves and it is so outside reality I have to ask myself if we are speaking about the same person. Perfection is perception and everyone’s perception is going to be slightly different, so if you are doing your best in your own life then that should be perfect for you.
Embrace those chinks in your armor knowing that everyone has some. Use your level of happiness to gauge your perfection level and help the perfect people around you; they need a friend.
We all know someone who seems absolutely perfect; she rises at 4 to do some reflective reading, goes to the gym, comes back in time to drive the children to school and of course, they are carrying a perfectly healthy, made from scratch lunch. She then prepares for work and leaves the house looking like a runway model. It is exhausting just contemplating what it must be like to always try to be that perfect. The truth though if you pay attention is everyone has chinks in their armor; it’s just a matter of time until the imperfections shine through. Let me give you a few examples; I knew two young women who were show-stopping beautiful. They looked absolutely perfect to me and I remember wondering what it would be like to be that gorgeous. One day I casually asked them why they were always late. The answer that they gave me was not what I expected. They both told me that they were terrified that they would not look good. They would try on multiple pieces of clothing and redo their hair and makeup over and over until they looked just right. I decided at that moment that beauty was not worth that level of anxiety. I know another woman who I consider to be beautiful inside and out but I finally realized that she is trying to model herself after a friend that she considers to be perfect. She will never be content or able to see her own beauty.
Our media gives us images of perfection that are often hard to achieve. I would suggest that it is healthier for us to each be the best that we can be without feeling that we need to compare ourselves to others or do something that is not comfortable for us because we perceive it as what everyone else is doing. Imperfection is so much more interesting and approachable than perfection.
Don’t jump to conclusions when you first meet someone because usually, the more perfect a life seems, the more issues are hiding below the surface. Be content with being the best you can be while maintaining your sanity.
Perfect people can act as inspiration though. There are times when I become stuck in a comfortable routine when I could be doing better in one area or another. Sometimes something that a perfect person says or does will push you to improve on something. Improvement can lead to greatness, perfection can lead to therapy.
What we see in someone’s character or physique is not necessarily what that individual sees.
We only have to watch the bad auditions on American Idol when the singers argue that they did a great job when it is so obvious that they did not. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard someone make a statement about themselves and it is so outside reality I have to ask myself if we are speaking about the same person. Perfection is perception and everyone’s perception is going to be slightly different, so if you are doing your best in your own life then that should be perfect for you.
Embrace those chinks in your armor knowing that everyone has some. Use your level of happiness to gauge your perfection level and help the perfect people around you; they need a friend.
I think my family is probably not any different from many other families. I have two older children who moved out because they couldn’t wait to taste independence, and they moved back when they realized how expensive the independence was. They moved back with two dogs, two cats, and two chinchillas none of which they are any better at taking care of than before they left. Our house feels a little like Noah’s ark.
My nine-year old is like a walking tornado. Wherever she passes is left in amazing disarray, trash is spewed among toys and an amazing variety of objects taken from my office can be seen among the rubble.
My oldest daughter is close to my size which means at any time I wander into her room, I will find three pairs of my shoes, two shirts, and most of my hair ties. She had one of my shirts for so long that when I pointed out it was mine, she was convinced it was hers. The same daughter comes into my room after I have returned from teaching seven classes and being on my feet all day and tells me how exhausted she is after sleeping to twelve and going to one class.
My son is equally exhausted after playing video games all day and as I am taking all this in, my nine-year old runs in and says “Mommy, what do you want to do with me?” I really want to answer “Mommy wants to take a nap.” But instead I smile and say “whatever you want sweet pea.”
All three children need something from me. Jess needs to tell me about the teacher who gave a test on material that he didn’t teach or why she cannot find the soul mate that she desperately wants. Tyler needs so much right now as he figures out who he is but he doesn’t know how to ask for the help he needs and I’m not sure how to give it without being intrusive to the adult he has become. Katie just wants my presence. I find myself constantly saying I wish I had more time for this or that or more energy or more time to sleep but the truth is I am happy and grateful for the crazy family I call mine.
Later when I’m walking through the house, I trip over something large and squeaky. It could have been Katie’s toy but this time it belongs to the pit bull that always has a toy in her mouth on the slight chance that someone, anyone will play with her. Most days are filled with a cacophony of squeak, squeak, squeak.
At dinner I hear about how the oldest prefers steak, and my son wishes we could have pizza…again and Katie wants to know how many bites of meat she has to eat.
When bedtime rolls around, Katie wants me to stay with her after we read and most of the time I fall asleep and then wake up from a noise in the house which is usually the pit bull and the squeak, squeak toy. I take a few more minutes to look at Kate in deep sleep. The look of peace and contentment on her face is worth any talk about her attitude or picking up her playroom.
I finish the night by climbing into bed and surrounding myself with all the magazines and books I wish I had time to read. Unfortunately, because reading relaxes me so much and well, because I am exhausted, I usually doze off within five minutes with the magazine or book on my chest. I often wake up with a kiss from my oldest daughter as she removes the magazine and turns out the light.
As my husband slips into bed beside me he whispers “Honey, you seem so tired. Maybe you should let something go. ”This is such a simple concept but so hard to achieve, so for now I will continue to enjoy this crazy, chaotic life that I am so lucky to lead.
We all hope our children find success and happiness in life but even more important than that we want them to be good people who know the importance of compassion. We need to show them that life doesn’t just revolve around us and that by helping others we can change the world one positive step at a time. Our acts of compassion can start a ripple effect that will continue from one person to the next. Carol S. Ritter a speaker on non-profit and leadership says “Take Care of People – People before Paper, People before Profits, People before Self and People before Projects”
There are ways to help our children learn compassion and the great thing is that most of them are activities that we can share together. Here are just a few activities that can help you teach your child the value of compassion.
Volunteer
There are so many people who need our help that the need for volunteers is huge. You can volunteer at a retirement home, a soup kitchen, or an animal shelter. Most churches need volunteers to help with their outreach projects. Here are some websites to find out more;
You probably have someone in your own neighborhood that could use some compassion. If you know of an elderly couple or someone that is living alone, stop by some night with a prepared meal. Even the gift of your time for a few minutes of conversation would probably be greatly appreciated.
Do an act of kindness
The wonderful thing about acts of kindness is that they seem to be contagious. Your one simple act could cause a string of similar acts that could brighten up so many people’s days. An act of kindness can be so easy; buy a coffee for the person in line behind you, open the door, or help someone in some small way. Even a smile can lift up someone’s spirit.
Keep a gratitude journal
Write down what you are thankful for every day and have your child do the same. Talk with your child about all the blessings that you have in your life. When your child sees someone less fortunate than you discuss how lucky you are.
Model compassion yourself
You are your child’s greatest teacher. They will model what they see you do so let them see you modeling kindness as often as possible.
Feed the homeless
Go to the dollar store and pick out basic necessities like soap, toothpaste, and deodorant and then make two separate sets of packages for the homeless. One bag will have a set of necessities and the second will have sandwiches and fruit that you and your children have prepared. Go to a local homeless shelter or an area where you know you will find the homeless and distribute the bags. A local school in Atlanta, Mount Paran Christian has a community service day and a group of students goes to downtown parks to distribute the bags. The students commented that giving the bags out made them feel like they were helping someone and it gave them a better understanding of the wide variety of people who need our help.
Write notes of compassion
Write your child sweet notes and put them in his or her backpack to find them later. Have your child write notes of thanks to teachers. Show them the power of lifting others up with kind words.
How many times have you seen a woman who seems to juggle a million things in her life and yet she seems calm and in control? Before you begin to ask yourself why you cannot seem to do it all, let me provide you with a little insight into the life of the woman who seems to be able to balance family and career with ease. I propose that these women only do one thing better than other women and that is they know the importance of attitude. For every situation we find ourselves in, we have choices about how we will react. Every day, we can choose how we view and react to the people and things around us in either a positive or negative way.
I have been told many times that I always seem calm and balanced, but my close friends know the ugly truth. My friends and family think it is hysterical that every time my husband leaves on business, unbelievable things befall me and when he is home, life runs extremely smoothly. I have learned to first deal with whatever happens as best I can, then laugh at the situation and then call both my friends and family to tell them the newest incident. They know what to expect when they hear me say “You are not going to believe this but….” Let me give you several of the tamer examples.
One night the dog was running up and down the stairs constantly. Now I know I should have suspected something was wrong, but I was too tired to get up. The next morning, I got up and there was a false sense of normalcy hanging in the air. I was almost ready to head out the door with my three-year-old. I went upstairs to wake up my two older children. As I was halfway up the stairs, I heard my daughter’s door open, and then she screamed. I ran up with the three-year-old right behind me and discovered that the dog had pooped everywhere. I really was amazed that one medium-sized dog could produce that much poop. I opened the door to my son’s room to discover that the dog had also vomited. I turned back towards my children. My three-year-old thought this was probably the coolest thing she had seen in a long time and my older children had a look of horrified anticipation waiting to see how I would react. I only had a window of five minutes to get out the door for daycare and I had meetings straight through the day so I said, “I’m really not sure when I can clean this up.” Then I turned and left with Katie. When I returned to pick up Jess and Ty, I discovered they had cleaned up everything. A situation that could have been a nightmare ended up being a feel-good experience because of the way we reacted to it.
Another day, we were leaving with seconds to spare to get to the school bus. I turned to tell my son to be careful because the porch was slippery and I then stepped on a patch of ice and although I did not fall, my book bag went flying. Pens were sticking out of leaf piles; papers were blowing down the road. I scooped up what I could and continued to the van where I discovered the doors were frozen shut. When I finally managed to pry open the door, it then would not shut. I drove to daycare holding the driver’s door while my daughter cheered me on saying “c’mon mommy you can do it. Don’t let go! Hold on tight.” When I arrived at school with my precious cup of coffee, I was turning the corner to my room when I slipped on an errant backpack strap and the coffee went everywhere. The girls sitting near the backpack looked horrified and did not know what to do. I started laughing and went to get paper towels. They helped me clean it up and even treated me to a reenactment of how I looked when I slipped.
Today, I came home to find a hawk trapped in our porch. Not a small pretty, easy to chase out the bird, but a hawk! Complete with sharp beak and talons. At first, I had the bright idea to try to shoo him out with a broom, but as I was poking him with the broom, I took a good look at the beady eyes and those talons and decided that maybe the whole broom thing was not a good idea. I convinced one of our science teachers to come and liberate the bird. Did I mention that he had huge talons?
Unfortunately, I could continue to tell more of these stories, but my point is that whenever these events unfold, I can change the outcome and how I feel about that outcome with my attitude and by keeping a sense of humor. I can also teach my children how to react in less than favorable situations. Considering how many things have gone wrong, I think they have the picture. In my opinion, almost everything that we do in life or have to deal with in life can follow this rule. It does not matter what happens to you but how you deal with it. I choose to find the positive whenever possible. Since I think my husband will continue to travel, and I have a feeling that the bizarre incidents will continue, it is a remedy that works for me as well as allowing me a chance to entertain my friends.
Mom guilt occurs when a mom does not feel she is doing enough as a parent, or that she isn’t doing something correctly. Moms can face a double-edged sword where no matter what they do, they will be criticized. There are many triggers for mom guilt including thoughts about whether a child is being properly cared for, should a mom stay home, or work, breastfeed or use formula, how to discipline, how much screen time is appropriate, what is good nutrition, and the list continues. While handling all those areas and more, a mother is supposed to find balance in her life, but what she usually finds is total chaos. Mom guilt added to the normal fatigue of parenting is obviously not good for either your mental or physical health, but what can you do? Here are a few ideas to cope with the guilt.
Make a list
List the things that make you feel guilty. Sometimes making a list can make things seem more manageable. Seeing a list will help you stay focused, and a list will help calm your anxiety. Decide if there is any validity in your feeling of guilt for each of the items on your list. Is your child showing signs of being adversely affected by it? Is there anything that will make you feel better about each situation?
Identify the source of the guilt.
Why are you feeling guilty? Reflect on that question with curiosity instead of blame. Is the guilt warranted? What led to the mistake? What would you do differently now? What did you learn? Answering this question will help you to reflect on the guilt you are feeling. Before you can eliminate the guilt, you have to acknowledge it and examine it.
Journal
Writing about your feelings is a healthy form of self-expression and it can help you identify when and why you feel guilty. Journaling helps you to organize your thoughts, allow yourself to self-reflect, and relieve stress. Writing helps us to confront emotions and events. It can make us more self-aware and can make it easier to track our thinking process. It helps us to put things in perspective.
Avoid comparisons
We all wish we could look effortlessly put together, but the average mom is sleep deprived, isn’t sure her makeup is on and is dreaming about losing a few pounds. You will meet the mom who had a baby a week ago and looks like she could rock a bikini or the entrepreneur who seems capable of juggling five things at once and being a supermom. Everyone has something we wished we had, but we don’t see what they have that we would not want. Count your blessings, realize that imperfection is much more interesting and easier to maintain, and don’t waste time wishing you were like someone else when you don’t know what darkness might be below the surface. Be the most glorious version of you that you can be.
Filter the noise
Mom guilt usually comes from other moms. When moms question another mom’s decisions about parenting or offer unasked-for advice, it can cause mom guilt. Imagine if you have been breastfeeding for nine months and someone asks you when you are going to stop and then comments how odd it seems when a woman breastfeeds beyond a year. Breastfeeding is one of many personal decisions that a woman seems to have to defend. At least one person will ask you how you know if your baby is getting enough milk and carrying on activities in public and especially at work can make you wonder if you made the right decision. You will also hear all kinds of crazy advice for your child’s entire life. When people offer comments or advice, all you have to say is, “I appreciate your opinion, but this is what works for us.” If they continue to push back, you can add, “I hope you will respect our choice.”
The other noise you will hear is the moms who constantly brag about their perfect children. There is nothing wrong with celebrating your children, but when it is excessive and the parents also add that their children are the way they are because of their amazing parenting style and then go on to judge other parenting styles, problems can arise. Many parents are good at painting glossy images of perfect children but if you pull back the layers, there are usually quite a few imperfections, so don’t worry if your child isn’t bringing home all the awards.
Trust your instincts
A mom’s instinct is a real thing. If you trust your gut in a situation that requires a decision, you will usually find that you made the right choice. I can always tell if my children have a fever by feeling their forehead, but my husband says he is never sure. He thinks I have magical powers. Do what you know is the right choice not necessarily what will be the popular choice. If guilt slips in because the decision makes your children unhappy, feel confident that you made a choice for their best interests.
Listen to your children (In moderation)
Your children will let you know if you are doing a good job. We started taking our children to restaurants when they were tiny, and we taught them how to behave. When they were older, they would see a child misbehaving, shake their heads, and say, “That child does not know how to act in a restaurant.”
I always loved when they would acknowledge when they had done something wrong and tell me the punishment before I could open my mouth to pronounce the sentence. They knew the boundaries and the consequences.
Your children will also try to play you which is why I said listen in moderation. If they criticize you for something you know you do not do, let it go and carry on without letting any guilt take hold.
Let some things go.
You do not have to have a spotless house, well-groomed animals, and a perfectly manicured lawn to be a good parent. Life can be chaotic, so when you have a lot going on, it’s o.k. to let something go.
Practice self-care
Moms often feel guilty about taking time for themselves, but you will be better able to take care of others if you take care of yourself. Think of the safety procedures in an airplane. When the oxygen mask falls, you are instructed to put it over your face first and then your child’s because you need to be capable of helping him.
Give yourself grace
You are doing one of the hardest, most important, most frustrating, rewarding jobs there is and you are going to make mistakes. If you approach parenting with love and good intentions, you are doing fine. Accept that not all your decisions will be perfect and that you will have some moments you might want to forget, but you will get back up and try again.
Surround yourself with the right people.
Everyone needs a support system. Find people who have the same values and who will laugh with you when things get messy. Listen to valued sources of information and separate yourself from negative people.
Ask for help
Find the support you need whether it is to find someone to babysit your child or find some resources for mental health. Parenting is overwhelming, so ask for help when you need it.
If you are looking for activities and educational support, you can go to www.abcteach.com
Use affirmations for yourself and others
Tell moms you know that they are doing a great job and give yourself applause when you know you are winning as a parent. When you need a lift, use some of the following affirmations to remind yourself how wonderful you are.
I matter. I am worthy of good things. I am strong. I am loved. I am a good parent.
Remember It’s not always your fault when your child does something wrong. As you do your best to be a good parent, you will make mistakes, learn from them, give yourself grace, and do what is right for your family.
After the fanfare from the wedding subsides and the bags are unpacked from the honeymoon, it is time to figure out how to make the new marriage prosper. New couples have to learn how to live together and combine two lives into one while still maintaining some individuality. Every new bride can use some advice, and although I am not an expert, I have gained some wisdom in thirty-seven years of marriage that I would like to share.
Be flexible
Be willing to change plans, try something new, go somewhere different, meet someone new. Be open to new things and don’t be afraid of a little change. Living with someone is going to require give and take.
Talk behind his back
Talk behind his back, but make sure it is positive. Let people know what an amazing man you have. Save your complaints for your best friend or your mom.
Support each other
It is so sad to see two people tearing each other down while listing each other’s faults. Be each other’s best friends and be the one who is always there with support and unconditional love.
Let things go
There are certain things that my husband does that drive me crazy, but if I brought up everything that annoys me, it would cause all sorts of issues. Let the small stuff go. Pick what your battles are and try to ignore the rest.
Have a sense of humor
This should probably be number one because it is so important. Laugh at your mistakes and try not to take life too seriously. Laughing together is the best medicine.
Keep your own interests
Being married does not mean that you have to try to become someone else or be interested in the same things that your husband likes. Keep doing the things that you feel passionate about and share your experiences with your husband without expecting him to engage in them or that he demands that you participate in his.
Be interested in him
Show an interest in your husband and really listen to what he says even when it’s something that you really might not understand why he likes it. Expect the same from him. Ask for his advice and make him feel that his opinions really matter to you.
It’s the little things
There are so many little gestures to show that you love someone. It could be through food, helping with something, leaving a card, or just saying I love you. Show you care.
Think before reacting
My husband sometimes says things that I interpret differently than what he meant. Before you react to something that was said, check for understanding. It is a good idea to take a few minutes before reacting to anything. Give yourself time to assess the situation.
Communicate
You have to communicate in order to make a marriage work. Talk about what’s on your mind. What are your dreams, your needs, your opinions? Work out your differences as well as encouraging each other in your daily routine.
Jennifer’s writing 