https://www.patreon.com/jenniferbonn

If you need another holiday gift, my book is perfect to give as a sign of support or encouragement. It is full of positive messages, and I think we could all use that. One friend is giving a copy to her daughter before she gets married because it contains advice about how to deal with some of the difficult situations.

Happy Holidays everyone!!

We are bombarded by so many messages every day. We hear them, process them, think about them, and discuss them. They affect us in a variety of ways sometimes changing our opinions or emotions, or either inspiring or discouraging us. There are certain voices that we cannot avoid, but we can choose or reject a lot of the noise in our lives. Here are a few factors to consider about the voices we are exposed to every day.

Does it add value?

Ask yourself if what you are about to hear, or read, or see will add value to yourself or others. Will it make you better in some way? Will it inform you, energize you, inspire you, or make you reflect? If it doesn’t help you grow or give you satisfaction, you are better off blocking it out. Certain voices can tear us down and cause stress. This is the noise we need to tune out.

Positive vs. negative

Whatever type of messages you choose to hear will eventually affect you. Listening to positive messages will encourage and motivate you, while negative messages will eventually cause you to see life as a less than pleasant journey. The messages you hear can come from the media, the music you listen to, the books you read, and the friends who surround you.

Rejection

When you hear this voice, examine the message and if there is truth about the need for change or growth, work on improving that, but also realize that the best in every profession have faced rejections, and instead of giving up, they improved and proved they were worthy. I had a nasty rejection for a book I wrote and I was devastated. My friend, Kim said, “Jen, that is just one voice.” I fixed the book and now it is published.

Haters

Ah, the haters. I always try to take into account that haters are people who are hurting in some way, but I really dislike meanness. There are so many people hurting that I would like to see more kindness. It makes them feel better if they can tear others down. They are jealous, bitter, entitled, and feel that life has not been fair to them. Don’t waste your time worrying about what they say about you. Say a prayer for them that they can turn their lives around.

Social media

There are so many voices on social media vying for our attention. Everyone is trying to look like they have a perfect life, but it is rarely the truth. Be o.k. with having some mess in your life, and don’t worry if others see it. It might make them feel better.

News

Listen to the news and take some notes. How many of the stories have a negative feeling? Do you listen to the news from a variety of sources? Do you notice a difference in the delivery? Don’t listen to only one source. Listen to different opinions and make an informed choice for what your opinion is.

Your inner voice

What does it sound like when you are talking to yourself? It should sound as if you are speaking to your best friend. This is a constant battle for me because I am very hard on myself. I know I should change negative thoughts to positive ones, but I always find myself wanting to do better. I will keep working on this though.

Examine all the voices and noise you hear throughout the day. Label it as good for you or negative. Actively seek out messages that can make you better and lift you up. Find good books, movies, music, and friends to be your positive voices.

I am an avid runner, but I hear people tell me all the time they wished they could run. Many tell me that they feel guilty that they don’t exercise, so I thought I would make them feel better by giving reasons not to run.

No one needs that many t-shirts.

Every time you race, you will receive a t-shirt to commemorate the race. Before you know it, your drawer will be overflowing, and you won’t feel right getting rid of them.

It is too hard to keep up with all the new friends you will make.

Running is a social activity, and because it relieves stress, most runners are happy and willing to chat. I met most of my best friends at running events. If you would rather not have a lot of friends, don’t run.

Your neighbors will think you are crazy.

Running becomes routine and slightly obsessive because you see the physical and mental improvements, and you want that to continue. Weather will not keep you inside, and your neighbors will watch you running in the rain, the snow, or bone-chilling cold and wonder what is wrong with you.

Although you will start out small you will discover that 5ks are a gateway drug to longer distances.

One day you decide to do a 5k. It seems harmless because it is only three miles, but then your running friends start suggesting longer distances, and theme races like color runs and zombie chases. Before you know it, you will consider a second job to pay for races.

You will find a competitive side, and it won’t always be pretty.

When you run, you can set goals, and when you complete those, you can make new ones. You see a continual improvement and one way to judge that is to compare yourself to the performances of others. Suddenly a silly podium medal seems like gold, and you find yourself plotting a way to beat the others in your age group.

It can be gross

Running is sometimes messy. If you run trail runs, there is a potential for falling and blood. Many runners wish for a bathroom when there is none, and clothing can become pretty sweaty.

I hope these reasons not to run will help you with non-runners guilt, or you could throw caution to the wind and give running a try.

I am often asked where I find my ideas to write, and what do I do when I have writer’s block. My problem is I never have writer’s block. I have so many ideas swirling around in my head that I write them all down and check each one off as I finish it. Writing for me is a lot like reading, I am constantly being distracted by something new, so I have a stack of books and ideas waiting for me. Ideas come to me constantly and in many different forms. They often come when I am running or driving because those are quiet moments when I can let my run free. Here are some ways that I would suggest for finding ideas.

Be an observer

I always say that as long as there are people around me, I will never be bored. I watch people and invent scenarios for their lives. I often see people’s struggles, and this usually gives me ideas for writing. People are fascinating and I guarantee if you sit and take in what is happening around you, you will have some new material.

Hone your listening skills

Many of my articles have come from something that someone said to me. After my first marathon, I was talking to my husband about the difference between running distance and a 5k, and he said, “It’s an entirely different beast.” Bingo! That was the title of my next article. Listen to what interests people, and what is important or difficult in their lives. Listening is a skill that most people don’t do very well. Listen to hear instead of to interject your story.

Talk to strangers

My family hates that I will talk to everyone. Did I mention that people are fascinating? They also want to tell your story, and the fact is I open my body language, and it is usually the stranger who speaks to me. I merely engage from that point, and within five minutes I know someone’s life story. My family will see it in my eyes, and they say, “Mom, don’t do it!” They know I have to though. There are so many interesting stories.

Write down thoughts

Sometimes, thoughts bombard me, so I have a whiteboard where I write ideas down.

Read and take notes

Read as much as you can, and read different genres. Take notes of interesting ideas.

Ask for ideas

Ask friends and family what they would like you to write about and you might be surprised to see how many ideas they have.

1. Realize you do not have to solve all your children’s problems.

It is a fine line between helping your child and enabling them. We ultimately want to teach them the life skill of working out problems on their own by using their creativity, and problem-solving skills. If we jump in every time, they struggle a little, they will expect someone to save the day instead of working it out on their own. 

• You have to take care of yourself to take care of others.

I know the reaction to this is how to find the time for self-care, but you can find time for those things that really matter and your mental and physical health will affect every aspect of your life as well as your ability to be there for your family. Wake up a few minutes early to enjoy some quiet time, sneak away for a bath, or enjoy your favorite food.

• Children want fair boundaries and consequences.

Your decisions for discipline and structure will not always be popular, but your children need to know you are in control because it will make them feel safer. Be fair and creative with your boundaries.

• Your children want your time more than anything else.

Although I can’t imagine anyone complaining about expensive presents, what children want the most is your time. They want to know they are important enough to you that you want to make time for them.

• Guilt is wasted energy.

Parents are always questioning decisions and actions, and feeling guilty about a million things, but it doesn’t solve anything. We will all make mistakes, so learn from them and move on.

• Listen to your children.

Put down all the distractions and give your full attention to your children. They need to be heard.

• Have some hobbies.

If you are completely invested in your children and nothing else, you will struggle when it comes time for your child to move out. Find some fun hobbies that give you a chance to interact with other adults.

• Stay positive and keep a sense of humor.

Most moms can tell you at least one story about a day when everything went horribly wrong. You may not be able to control everything that happens to you, but you can control how you react to it. When everything seems to be falling apart, you can choose to laugh or cry, become a mess, or make it a learning moment. It’s more fun to laugh at it, and you will probably retell the story over and over.

• Be transparent about the mess.

I used to worry that my colleagues would find out that my family had a lot of issues, and then one day in the workroom I decided to share them. I saw the look of relief on the other people in the room as they shared similar stories from their families.

1. Give yourself grace.

Parenting is messy and we will make mistakes. It is o.k. to apologize when we are wrong, and accept that we will have to learn as we go.

If you love to write, you probably have some important things to say, and you want to have as many people read your words as possible. The problem is that everyone has so many distractions vying for their attention, so there has to be something about your writing that draws them to what you have written. The fastest way to attract readers is through your title. Here are some title tips to help you craft a winning title.

• Use a title that will resonate with everyone. If you enjoy writing self-help or informational essays, let your readers know you are ready to tell them what they need to know. You can see examples of this by looking at any magazine. The titles of articles always include promises for sleeping better, weight loss, and eating better. Follow through on your promises. I hate reading something that has nothing to do with the title. You want to pull your readers in, not deceive them.
• Make your title a question. When most people see a question, they want to know what the answer is, and if their answer matches the answer in the writing.
• Provide the promise of a story. When a title opens the window to a story, the reader wants to know what happens. Titles such as Emily’s Unfortunate Idea, draw readers in because they have to know what the idea was and how did it affect Emily.
• Stir intrigue. The Danger in Danville. What happened in Danville? What is the danger?
• Make the title unexpected. A title like The Sweet Death perplexes readers and makes them want to know how could death be sweet.
• Use a book generator to help you choose from a variety of titles.   

Mental Health for Moms

I would like to talk about mental health for moms. I would like to discuss some of the mental health issues that moms face and provide some resources. I am not an expert by any means, but I hope if I share some personal experiences and some research, it will help those who need it. I also want to clarify that I will be talking about the mental challenges that mothers face, but I am not trying to discuss mental illness because you need to see a qualified doctor if you need help in that area.

Most women are unprepared for the mental challenge of a newborn because we tend to focus on the physical challenges. My daughter, Jess had a baby four months ago and she said to me, “Mom, no one ever talks about what it is like. A new mom is supposed to figure it out and be a good mom, but we question our abilities all the time.” Jess has asked me repeatedly if what she is doing is correct. Imagine how difficult that would be to continually question yourself and your ability to take care of your baby.

A study said that postpartum depression affects around 10% of new mothers, but I have a feeling the numbers are greater. The symptoms include extreme sadness, mood swings, a change in appetite, intense anxiety, and thoughts of harming yourself or your baby. Moms at this stage are exhausted and stressed anyway but check with your doctor if you need help. Asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. It shows that you want to do the best for yourself and your child.

A mom’s mental health continues to take a beating as our child ages. A major issue is never feeling as if we are doing a good enough job. As mothers, we question whether we are spending enough time with our children, are we feeding them well, are we stimulating their minds, when should we start kindergarten, what time should they go to bed, and the questions go on. It also doesn’t help that everyone has an opinion or a judgment about the proper way to do something. Sometimes, it feels as if you cannot win no matter what you do. If you stay home with your child, you might feel guilty that you are not contributing financially. If you work, you might feel guilty that you are not spending as much time with your child. You have to do what works for you and your family and try not to listen to all the extra noise.

Sleep deprivation is a factor in a mom’s mental health. When you are not getting enough sleep, it affects your energy, your focus, your ability to function, and your mood. Handling life as a mom requires creativity, innovation, and energy. If you are always exhausted, your mental health will suffer. The question is when do you have time to rest? It can feel as if you are on a treadmill that never stops. Can your partner watch your children while you take a power nap? Can you make a deal with a friend to watch each other’s children for an hour a day so you can both have time to yourself? When my children were old enough, I would take them to interactive play zones, and while they played, I could take a few minutes to read or relax for a minute. Put your children to bed early so you can have adult time and go to bed early enough to be rested.

Our media can also take a toll on mom’s mental health. When the unrealistic image of the perfect mom who seems to handle a career and children with ease is put in front of us, the comparisons we make between that image and ourselves can be harmful. Life is messy and most days our best attempts at parenthood will not be perfect, but as long as we are acting with love and doing our best, that’s all we can do. Don’t compare yourself with anyone else. Be the best version of yourself.

Mom’s who work have to have a plan ready for the days that children become ill. Colleagues are not always understanding about you leaving to stay with a sick child, but your children and their well-being come first.

Even though moms face all sorts of mental challenges, we often face these challenges alone, and that feeling of being isolated can also influence mental health. Let me give you some ideas to help you improve your mental health.

Create boundaries

Family means well, but too much advice or comments can be intrusive, so tell them kindly that you appreciate the advice, but you need to do things your way.

At work, be clear about how much time you are willing to work outside of office hours.

Know what you need, what you have time for, and practice saying no to anything that does not add value to you or your family.

Choose advice that works for you

I have already spoken about this in other videos, but you are going to hear some crazy things, and you will often question if what you are doing is the best thing. Parenting is a lot of trying something new and praying it works. What has worked for someone else is not necessarily the right thing for you.

Give yourself grace

Anytime my children did something wrong, I instantly thought I had done something wrong as a parent. I think many moms feel this way, but our children can make bad decisions even if we have done everything correctly. There is no definitive guidebook for everything you encounter as a parent, and you will make mistakes, but that’s o.k.

Trust your instinct

A mom’s instinct is a real thing and you should listen to it. We often instinctively know what the best thing to do is.

Take care of yourself

You should not feel guilty about taking care of yourself because the healthier and happier you are, the happier your children will be.

Find your crew

Find the friend and family who have the same values and parenting styles you do and draw strength from them. Laugh about all the moments when things did not go according to plan.

Notice the positives

See the blessings instead of the burdens. Our children will be grown and moving out before we know it, so enjoy the moments while we can.

Here are some sites for support.

Mental Health Tips For Busy Moms

12 Mental Health Resources for Moms

https://www.kellymentalhealth.com/resources.html

What was interesting when I looked for support for moms was that I had to go to a site where moms were trying to help other moms. We need to share our struggles and joys more and insist on more resources being available for one of the most important jobs.

                                            Lessons in Gratitude

It is hard to find lessons of gratitude when times are tough like they have been the last few years, but sometimes the hard lessons are the most important. I lost my beloved aunt and sister during the pandemic, so I know that gratitude is not the first thing that comes to mind right now, but if we reflect on the last few years, we can see that we have been handed a few lessons that we can choose to ignore or accept. Let me tell you what I am grateful for at this moment because of these lessons. I hope you can nod your head and say “Me too” to at least a few, and I hope this will make you realize we still have a lot to feel grateful for in our lives.

• I am grateful for all the people who have stepped up to help those who have lost a job, are hungry, ill, or need assistance in some way. I was so proud of our country when I saw the outpouring of a response to need.
• I am grateful that Covid has made me reorganize my priorities. I was spending too much time where it didn’t matter. I now spend more time with God, and my family. I am more present for my family, and I am enjoying the now instead of worrying about what I’m going to do next.  
• I am grateful for the sense of peace I have because I choose to alter the negative, eliminate the wasted emotion of worry, and focus on the positives. We cannot always control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it. I always find calm through nature, exercise, and music.
• I am grateful that Covid has focused our attention on health. Healthy bodies and healthy minds are the steps to a happy life. Since Covid, there have been productive discussions about health.
• I am grateful that as a nation we are looking at some tough issues. Some of the discussions are ugly, but if we can take out the emotions, maybe we can start to work together and heal some of the division.
• I am grateful we are talking about mental health at a time when our mental health is taking a beating.
• I am grateful for the doctor who I called about the continued fatigue from Covid who said, “Push yourself to the limit physically. Don’t let this thing win.
• I am grateful for the creativity and resilience the pandemic has taught me and others. Many ways of life and work had to be altered. We had to figure out plan B, and if that didn’t work, we tried something else. I am thankful for the people who took the opportunity to do something different as a way to help others while reinventing themselves.
• I am grateful for better communication both at work and at home because communication was crucial to our success. At school, I gave my students my number and I had theirs so if anyone was remote and there was a problem, they could communicate it. I also did it because I knew they were scared and I wanted them to feel connected.

Anytime we can improve ourselves and learn, we should be grateful. Gratitude is an attitude, so decide whether you are going to see your life as a burden or a blessing. I hope you choose gratitude.