My Gumroad Page
Come see my products on Gumroad! https://bonnga.gumroad.com/subscribe
Four Ways to Tailor Your Article
Writing is personal and we all have our own reason to write, so although there is some great advice out there, you need to sift through it to find what works for you. Here are a few ways a writer might tailor an article.
Solve a problem
This is the advice I hear the most. Find a problem that multiple people have and provide solutions. I like writing articles like this because I enjoy helping people. Make a list of your expertise in areas where you could help someone solve an issue. Research what some common problems are and discover resources to solve them.
Entertain
Everyone wants to be entertained. It good be an interesting story, or a funny piece that leaves you laughing. Share your experiences.
Soothe your soul
Sharing difficult experiences helps shed some of the pain. It’s like letting the experience go a little once we share it. Your story may help someone else realize they are not alone. Helping someone else might make you feel better.
Share experience/wisdom/teach
We all need help in multiple areas, and you may have the knowledge to help someone else. What can you teach someone?
There are so many different reasons and ways to write. What’s in your heart to write?
The Side Effect Not Listed
The Side Effect That Wasn’t Listed for My Medication
Three years ago, I became an Afibber when my heart began beating wildly out of control after a short run. When I was in the hospital, the doctor prescribed a beta blocker and told me I would be on it the rest of my life and it would affect my energy level. When I asked what he meant he told me if I normally ran ten miles, I would only want to run five.
I quickly realized the doctor was right. I was so tired all the time. About the same time, I tore my meniscus and started walking instead of running. As the months turned into a year and then two, I didn’t have the motivation to start running again.
Running has always been a passion for me. It has helped me mentally, physically, and socially my entire life. It would be the last thing I would consider walking away from, but gradually I had given up on running without really acknowledging it.
Running races has been the place where I have met most of my closest friends. I stopped going. When I did show up, friends would ask me where I had been, and I didn’t have a good answer. The real response was I had lost my joy for running and racing.
I lost pleasure in other activities too. I love to garden, but last year I had no desire to go out to the garden, so the weeds were what flourished there.
I had to go back for yearly heart tests, and I was talking to the technician about my fatigue. She said I needed to try a different medication. I asked my cardiologist and he said, “Oh, no problem! I’ll put you on a better one that doesn’t cause as much fatigue.” When I asked why we hadn’t started with that one, he told me he thought it might be too expensive. After that we had a conversation about communication.
The difference has been amazing. It took a few weeks, but I have my energy back, I’m getting back into running shape, working on a strength program, and racing. I am so grateful to be running again, and the garden is full of vegetables instead of weeds.
The side effect that I wish I had known was that a medication could change my style of life and take away my joy of pursuing passions. It was so much more than there will be a change of energy.
If your medication is affecting your style of life, ask your doctor if there is an alternative and above all else pay attention to the side effects that are not listed.
Why Would a Woman Not Leave an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?
Emotional abuse comes in many forms. The abuser may show excessive anger, have dark moods, need to control and possess, belittle and berate. If you always feel like you are walking on eggshells, you are never right, you can’t have a discussion without explosive emotion, or you can’t be yourself, then you are being emotionally abused.
So, if someone is experiencing an emotional relationship why would she not leave? Although common sense tells you that if you realize you are in a relationship with an abuser, you should end the relationship immediately, it can be more complicated than that. Here are some reasons why a woman stays even though she shouldn’t.
The abuser has another side. I have a friend who tells me when she started dating her husband, she would describe him as gentle, loving and funny. Abusers are master manipulators and can be very charming. After the marriage, she saw another side of his personality. He would change anything she had done in the house and berate her for doing it wrong. Once she had tried to paint a kitchen cabinet and after he had yelled at her for doing it, he turned to his teenage son and said with a condescending smile, “Can you believe she did that?”
Her abuser was so charming in public that many people would tell her how lucky she was to be married to such a wonderful man, but she wished she could tell them what he was like at home.
The abuser steals your value. After being told she couldn’t do anything on her own, my friend began to believe it. Her husband didn’t want her to wash his clothes or do the cooking because he told her she wasn’t good at it. I told her to let him do all those things because it gave her more time to do what she wanted.
She questions the situation
An abuser can switch the guilt around to the victim so that the victim questions her reality, wondering if she is being overdramatic even when she has tons of evidence of the abuse.
She cannot afford to leave
This is one of the main reasons many women stay because they don’t think they can survive without the abuser. I told my daughters to make sure they were never financially dependent on a man, but this can be very scary for a woman who knows leaving is the right thing to do, but money has become the shackle that keeps her in the relationship.
I hope if you are in an abusive relationship, you will find help in what ever form you need. Talk with people you trust and research community resources. Life is too short to not be happy.
How to Make The Ten Most Important People list
How to Make the Top Ten Important List for Someone
I heard someone yesterday say that a certain person was on her top ten list of important people in her life and I began to wonder who my top ten would be and what qualities or actions would guarantee that you would make someone’s list. Of course, everyone is different, but I picked a few things that I think are important factors for someone to play a pivotal role in your life.
Show up
When someone shows up for you, that person shows you that you are valued and supported. I know that feeling when a friend walks through the door or calls and you know that you are important to that person. I had a student whose mom died. I showed up at the wake and she said, “Madame, you came!” There are certain people and situations when I will show up no matter what and that was one of them. An important person on my list would do the same.
Listen
When was the last time someone really listened to you without turning the narrative to him or her? Most people don’t hear you because they are too busy talking about themselves. To be on someone’s ten most important list, you need to listen. Listening doesn’t have to be solving issues, but listening gives someone the chance to share burdens and once they are released, healing can begin.
Prove someone’s value
Show people you believe in them, and you think they are worthy of doing great things. Maybe ask them to do something epic together because you know that person’s grit will make you better. When I was a senior in high school, my English teacher pulled three of us out in the hall and asked us if we wanted to take the Advanced Placement English test. I didn’t know what this test was because it had only started several years before (I’m so old!), and we had not been trained for it, but if Mr. Chaffee thought I could do it, then I was going to do it. The man who told me I was a good writer is definitely on my list as well as the French teacher in college who pulled three of us out and asked if we wanted to do U-Conn’s study abroad program. That teacher’s actions and belief in me changed my life.
Make someone laugh
Being funny is one of the best qualities to have because life can be tough and if you can help people see humor in a difficult situation you should be on a few lists.
Be a defender/advocate
I have several friends that I know would be by my side in a heartbeat if I needed them, and oh, lord, they would defend me well if you wronged me. Friends like that need to be on the list. My husband had the type of stroke that precedes a bigger stroke, but thankfully we were able to get him to the hospital before the second stroke hit. I believe in the power of prayer, so I sent a text to my prayer warriors telling them what happened and asking for prayers. My friend Donna was the one who showed up to the hospital in minutes and all she asked was, “what can I do? Tell me what you need.” That is list material right there.
What actions or qualities do you think are necessary to be on the most important list?
The Changes that Come With Children
When you tell people that you are expecting your first child, they usually respond with congratulations, but my mother did not. When I told her I was pregnant she said, “Oh, no.” I was disappointed in her reaction until she explained that with four children of her own, she knew how taxing being a parent could be. I thought she was wrong until the baby came and my life changed forever. Nothing prepares you for what parenting is, the emotions, the need to have a psychology degree, your fear of losing your precious child, the protectiveness towards your child, the need to be all things with very little sleep or self-care, but most parents would tell you they would do it again in a heartbeat.
I can only speak from my experience, but here are the changes that occurred in my life when I had children.
Lack of sleep
I know this is the first on everyone’s list and it deserves to be there. I thought the baby would have a schedule and I would be able to sleep around the schedule. My doctor told me the baby was not going to have a schedule, and I should sleep when the baby slept. I have always thought this was terrible advice because if I sleep when the baby sleeps I cannot have a cup of coffee quietly and save what shards of my sanity are left, or do all the household chores to the point that it doesn’t look like a tornado blew through. Also, even though I’m on maternity leave, my work thinks I’m kidding and keeps sending me “small” projects to do in my free time that doesn’t exist.
Give yourself and your partner grace during this time and if you can take shifts while one rests while the other cares for the baby. Instead of being frustrated have an attitude of just doing your best.
Brain fog
This is caused by the lack of sleep, but it is difficult to handle. I remember when I went back to work as a teacher after maternity leave, another teacher came up behind me and said kindly, “Sweetheart, your skirt isn’t zipped up in the back. Let me help you.” I was in survival mode at that point.
Personal Hygiene
This is probably disgusting but my daughter spit up so often that sometimes I didn’t change my shirt and I went out in public with a fragrance of eau de spit up. Taking a shower becomes much harder with children and it can feel like a luxury.
Eating
Everyone tells you to eat healthily after the baby because you need to recover well, but sit-down meals become grabbing something quickly and eating it fast.
Personal space
Once you have children time to yourself is limited. Search Youtube for an episode of Bluey called twenty minutes where the mom just needs twenty minutes. You might close the bathroom door, but within seconds you are joined by a toddler, a dog and a cat.
Shopping
The first rule of shopping, going out, or traveling is to make sure your child is fed and rested. Dire consequences will result if you do not do this. Once I was in the grocery store when my toddler dropped to the ground kicking and screaming because she could not have a toy. I was surprised that everyone was looking at me as if I was a terrible parent. I left a full cart of groceries behind and carried her outside.
There will be many other changes but there are tools to help you. Keep a sense of humor, as for help, be creative, and use your resources. See the blessings not the burdens and realize that childhood is a short time so enjoy your time with your children.
An Easy Plan to Run Through Age, Creaky Knees, and Middle Age Pudge
I have seen numerous times when something good can rise out of disaster. My running journey during the past three years is testament to this.
Running has always been a passion for me. I call it my savior and my best friend because it has kept me sane, healthy, and allowed be to build a community of wonderful people. Whenever life became too heavy, I headed out the door for a run. I was known at the gym as the runner girl and if you knew me you knew how much I loved to run.
All of that changed unexpectedly on a trip my daughter had arranged to Santa Rosa beach as a retreat for a group of young mothers. They were going to have an instructor give them a yoga class on the beach. I told my daughter I was going for a quick run then I would walk the beach while they took the class. The run felt great, but I only had time for two miles. As I pulled in near our house, a woman stopped me to ask for directions. As I explained I wasn’t from the area I noticed I couldn’t get my breath. My chest felt tight. After the lady left, I thought I was going to pass out so I sat down and then my heart started beating so fast I could see my chest moving. I will shorten the story to tell you I ended up in the hospital with my first afib attack(irregular heartbeat). The doctor gave me a beta blocker and told me I would see a decrease in energy. When I asked him what he meant, he said, “If you normally run ten miles, you will only want to run 5) I had no idea how much of an energy shift it would be. I didn’t feel like running.
After that, I tore my meniscus and started PT where I was told I could not run for at least 6 weeks. If you are an athlete of any kind you know that your first thought is all my hard work is going out the window. Since then when something derails my training I tell myself I will just come back stronger, but the problem for two years was I didn’t have the energy.
The final piece of the perfect storm was when I saw the pudge around my middle growing from lack of exercise. I finally went to my cardiologist and started taking a different medication which increased my energy, I listened to my family doctor who said you have to do cardio to lose the pudge. If you don’t run, do the other cardio machines. That’s when I decided it was time to start a completely different program and I am seeing positive results already. Here is what I do.
Strength training
I have always seen the benefits of strength training to protect my body and build strength, but it is even more important as we age. I used to have good upper body strength but in the past three years I have lost a lot, so I am working hard to rebuild my strength. My goal is by the end of this year; I want to be able to do a pull up. Set some goals for yourself to boost your motivation but keep them attainable. I need to strengthen my knees, so I do lots of leg extensions, lunges, and squats.
Cardio
One day I go to the gym to do strength training, and I do 20 minutes on the stair machine, and 30 minutes on the elliptical. I will increase the time and the level slightly as I become stronger.
The next day I run/walk between 3-10 miles at an easy pace.
Both days I will ride my bike and swim, and both these activities are easy.
I used to run every day, and I did not do a good job cross training, but I can already see a change in my knees after three weeks. I did the stair stepper regularly before an ultra with killer hills and that training made a difference in my performance. I know stepping up is good for knee strength.
Nutrition
I eat a variety of food and make sure to eat lots of protein, carbs, vegetables, fruits and cut back on sugar.
Rest
I’m hyper, so rest is hard for me but I’m getting better. I curl up on the couch with a good book or watch a movie. Rest and recovery are important.
I hope these ideas help you. The key is to be consistent with any program you choose.
A Checklist for Making Your Writing Visible
A Checklist for Making Your Writing Visible
You might be a brilliant writer with a million ideas and important messages to give your readers, but if no one sees your writing, those messages will never reach your audience. Writing without marketing that writing will lead to frustration and to questioning why you are writing. You might be thinking that you don’t have any idea how to market your writing, but you would be surprised to know that there are some simple steps you can take to make your writing visible.
Connect with local media
Make connections with your local media even if that means giving them free content. I know there are some writers cringing right now, but sometimes that free content can open doors to paid offers.
I started sending articles to my local paper and magazines, and since everyone wants free writing, I was able to write regularly for both. The school where I was teaching noticed the articles I was writing and asked me to write for the school and they offered to pay me.
When you first start publishing your writing you should develop a writer’s footprint. That means if someone is searching for your name, your writing should be easy to find. While I was writing for all three publications, my daughter put my name into google and it came up as news with a list of all my articles.
Ask local media to write about your success. There is a local online newspaper who runs an ad every time I publish another book. The editor has been one of my angels, and she told me in the beginning to take every opportunity to make your writing visible.
Take some time to see what periodicals are in your area and if there is a way to include your writing.
Thank your contacts regularly. One editor, another one of my angels, was so helpful that I sent her a food basket and flowers. She told me it was the first time a writer had thanked her for her work.
Write online
We are in a time when many people want to read from their phones and computers, so online jobs are everywhere. Ask Google where the paid writing opportunities are and start sending out some queries.
Use social media
Share your writing on social media, create videos talking about your writing, make a newsletter, and ask your friends if they know of someone who needs a writer.
Create a blog
My blog has allowed me to share my writing with a larger audience. I have written 13 books which I vend at a local market. At the market, I can pass out my business card which leads people to my blog and my writing.
Volunteer as a speaker
Anytime people can hear your name, you have a chance to show them your writing. Local organizations are always looking for speakers. I went to a retirement home to talk about writing, and I had so much fun because many of the residents wanted to write their stories, but didn’t know where to start.
Libraries and bookstores need people to do book readings. I have to confess that I hate doing this because it makes me feel very awkward and nervous. I did one at a bookstore and after my son-in-law beamed at me and said, “So, when are you doing the next one.” I shocked him because although I’m usually positive, I looked at him and said, “Never!”
Use your creativity and look for as many opportunities as possible to let your readers see your work.
How to Spot a Narcissist and Should You Stay With One
I have a feeling that most people have at least one person in their lives that could be classified as a narcissist. Do you know one? You need to be able to answer that question because interaction with a narcissist can be dangerous for many reasons, so first let’s define who this is and then talk about how they can affect your life and how you can survive a relationship with one.
The definition of a narcissist is a person who shows an excessive pattern of self-focus, need for admiration, and lack of empathy for others. Common traits include strong sense of superiority, (his way is the best way), constant need for praise or validation, difficulty accepting criticism, manipulative behavior, preoccupation with status, success, or power.
Common warning signs are constant criticism, belittling, or humiliation, being blamed for everything, making you question your judgment, controlling behavior, explosive anger, lack of empathy, and you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around the person.
There are many examples of a narcissist in action, but here is a good example. The narcissist has just spoken in anger. Here is the conversation that follows.
You: Why are you angry?
Narcissist: (Yelling) I’m not angry!
You: You are angry because you are yelling.
Narcissist: Well, It’s because you make me angry!
Chances are you didn’t do anything to make him angry, but the blame can never be accepted. You will also rarely ever receive an apology.
One of the complicated things about a relationship with a narcissist is that they can be extremely charming in public, so if you tell anyone about the emotional abuse you experience, they may think you are crazy. The expression is The life of the party, the devil at home. It is abuse though so you should speak up and receive help from someone you trust.
Leaving a relationship with a narcissist can be complicated for many reasons, but if you are ready to leave, set up support first. You can contact the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Jennifer’s writing 