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How to Deal With Verbal Barbs

A verbal barb is a nasty comment or question that is meant to hurt or demean. The people who launch these barbs usually only do it to people they think are too kind or nice to retaliate. So, what is the best way to react to these comments? As always, you have a choice but let me tell you what has worked for me.

I am often so shocked by what someone said to me that it takes me a minute to respond. It turns out that is actually a tactic that is recommended to use. Stay silent for a minute and put on the best look of disdain and disgust you can muster. Then you can choose your response which I will explain in a minute.

First, you need to realize that you do not need to tolerate a lack of respect or justify yourself at any time. I’ll give you two examples of questions I have been asked. One woman asked me both these questions within ten minutes. I had just retired several weeks before our meeting, so she said, “What do you do all day?” Because I know that when people throw verbal daggers, they don’t really want an answer, I kept my answer short and said, “I’m busier now than when I worked, but I’m free to do what I want.” Then several minutes later she asked me if my youngest daughter was an accident because there is an age gap between her and my other children. I took a deep breath and said, “She has been nothing short of a blessing, and no, she was not an accident.” Keep those answers short and move on. Mean people are looking for emotional reactions and drama, don’t let them have that pleasure.

Another way to respond is by laying out some boundaries. You can set firm boundaries by saying, “That question, comment is disrespectful and I am not going to answer it.” Comments that draw the line and let someone know how you expect to be treated are appropriate. My husband had been throwing little jabs at me because I consider my writing a business and he wants me to consider it a hobby. He said something about how I wasn’t making much money and I mentioned I had written 12 books but hadn’t figured out how to market them yet. I told him he needed to stop talking to me like that. The look of surprise on his face let me know he had heard me.

Once the initial interaction is over, let it go. Mean people love perpetuating drama and hate to be ignored, so don’t give them a second thought.

The last suggestion I would give you is to always remain calm. Your emotions will be in the way. Don’t be afraid to call someone out or question their intentions. “Why are you having this conversation with me?” Mean people like to divide and conquer so suggest you continue this conversation around someone who can be a mediator. It’s satisfying to watch a discussion that was meant to be hurtful fall apart.

Again, you have to choose how to react, but I would not drop to that person’s level to meet rudeness with rudeness. Keep telling yourself that behavior is not worth your time or energy.

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Preparing Your Body for Battle

What if you looked at exercise as a way to prepare your body for battle? Would it make you commit to working out more if you knew your longevity depended on it?

A local segment on the news today involved an interview with a woman who said that was her attitude after a battle with cancer. Her doctor told her if she wasn’t so fit her battle with cancer would have been much harder. The woman said that a day at the gym was much easier than chemo.

My best friend heard a similar message from his doctor after a major stroke. The doctor told him he might have died if he hadn’t been so fit.

Maybe we need to adjust the way we look at exercise. Instead of seeing it as an onerous task that we dread, maybe if we look at it as something that could save our lives, we might be more motivated to do it consistently. We tend to do things that have an instant result, but maybe if we have enough proof we might realize the benefit of taking control of our health.

I took karate classes for eight years in a full contact dojo. I often asked myself why I was doing something that hard, and the answer was always that I was preparing to defend myself and mine if that situation was ever presented to me.

We treat our health like an afterthought, but taking care of ourselves is preparing ourselves to survive tougher times. Isn’t that worth some time in the gym or working out at home?

You don’t have to run a marathon or do something that will leave you exhausted. Find an activity you enjoy that raises your heart rate, works your muscles, do it consistently, and be patient so that eventually your body will be ready to take on most battles that come your way.

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Fighting Arthritis as an Aging Runner

As an older runner, I know I have to be more creative with my training, but occasionally the love of running takes over, I forget I am not 24 and I run too far on too many consecutive days.

Two weeks ago, I broke from my perfect plan of alternating a day of running and doing the elliptical and stair stepper in the gym because I had appointments several days in a row and going for a run every day was easier. The day before my latest kneepocalypse, I ran four beautiful miles and then walked four. There wasn’t any pain until the next morning when my right knee was swollen so bad that a sack of fluid was sticking out to the side and every once in a while, I had shooting pain up the side.

My orthopedist confirmed it was a case of overusing arthritic knees. I have known I had arthritis since my MRI for a torn meniscus, but I haven’t had any issues with it except now I do, so I am on a mission to soothe the inflammation in my knees, and I want to do my best to do it with natural remedies. I’m sure I am not the only one dealing with this, so I would like to share what I am trying right now.

Strengthening the muscles around the knee.

If I am going to continue to run, I have to strengthen the muscles around my knees to give them the support they need. Here are a few things I am doing to accomplish this.

· I am riding my bike more to strengthen my leg muscles.

· Doing the elliptical and the stair master does not bother my knees, so I am using them to do low impact cardio.

· I am doing exercises in the pool.

· I am doing leg extensions/leg press/ lunges/squats

· Strength training

Reducing inflammation

· I found a salve from Dazzle Mountain Apiaries called Kinda Dandy Skin Salve. It has lavender oil, Lemongrass oil, Eucalyptus oil, and Shea butter. It feels amazing and I am hoping it will help reduce inflammation.

· I drink 8 oz of tart cherry juice every morning.

· I drink green tea.

· I eat berries and cucumbers that both have anti-inflammatory properties.

· I am icing it frequently.

· I wear a compression sleeve that goes from my ankle to above the knee.

· I take baths with baking soda and Epsom salts.

I have been told I can walk distance in two weeks which is in time for a local 5K and I have to wait a month to run which is in time for my ultra that my orthopedist says I will be walking. I have both events marked in green. I would love to hear any remedies that have worked for others.

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The Words You Might Need to Hear

When you have one of those hard days do you wish someone could give you those words you need to hear to lift you up and motivate you? Sometimes it happens through a kind word, or an inspirational thought posted somewhere. It happened to me this morning when I woke up. My Garmin watch tells me my sleep score and body battery and then it either says, “Time to get going!”, or “Make today great.” Today the message was, “Believe in yourself.” It made me smile because the last few days I have been hard on myself. The watch message was what I needed, and it made me think that words can be like a warm hug and we could all use more of that, so here aew a few words I hope you might need.

  • A challenge is a reason to become stronger.
  • Even though you might deny this, you are someone’s hero, inspiration, safe haven, and maybe even a lifeline. Those people need you to stay strong.
  • It’s only failure if you don’t learn from it.
  • You are never too old or too young to do what you love as long as it’s legal.
  • You don’t need to solve other’s problems.
  • Boundaries will save your sanity. Demand respect.
  • You are stronger than you think.
  • Don’t ever give up. Something amazing might be about to happen.
  • The perfect timing might not be your timing. Patience is important.
  • Quality tops quantity with friends. One good one is better than 10 false ones.
  • Someone you haven’t met yet might need your light.
  • Do not allow anyone to limit you.
  • You are unique and beyond compare.
  • Drama takes two, so don’t engage.
  • Adopt a strong, positive mindset.
  • Don’t allow your emotions to control you.
  • Positivity is strong energy.
  • Be kind.
  • Being stressed and overwhelmed is a choice.
  • Understand before reacting.
  • Be thankful for your scars.
  • Slow down.
  • Frustration is a waste of time.
  • Music can heal.
  • Rest and food can make almost anything better.
  • Learn from everyone.
  • Imagine more
  • Know what fuels you.
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My First 100K Adventure

In 2016, I started doing ultra marathons which is a race where you do more than 26.2 miles. The most common distances are 50K (31 miles), 50 miles, 100K (62 miles), or 100 miles, but the mileage can vary.

During my ultra journey, I made every mistake you could imagine, but I learned valuable information from each one. During my first ultra, I thought it would be a good idea to drink Gatorade at the end of every loop because you need electrolytes, right? I learned the hard way that Gatorade and Powerade are too strong for my stomach. I decided I was going to find the correct electrolyte and never spend that much time in the porta potty again.

I had to stop during several ultras when my stomach turned. I discovered that Ginger Ale and Ginger candies can save the day. Once when my stomach turned, I stopped eating and learned what it feels like to hit the wall hard. Keep eating something at least once every hour.

I have learned more about my body and mind than I ever thought possible. It took me eight years to break through 50 miles, and 100 miles still remains elusive, but I am determined to get there. I made one step closer at our last ultra when I did 62 miles. It was a bit of an adventure.

Anytime you do an ultra, you have to be prepared for anything, and you never know how the race will pan out. We started with a pre-race meeting where the race director told us what to expect, then she gave the instructions for anyone who would be continuing through the night. She told us that every year there was at least one bear sighting during the night or early morning, and there were wild pigs. Wait a minute, I thought. No one mentioned wild pigs! I’m not sure why I thought the pigs would be worse than a bear, but I did.

I am 68 years old and I am still terrified of the dark. This would be my first time going through the night with an ultra and I knew it would take a lot to conquer my fear. As dusk approached, I realized I had forgotten about the bats. If I am terrified of the dark, triple that fear when it comes to bats. I told myself that at least when it was dark I wouldn’t see them. Then the bullfrogs started to make a ruckus. It was so loud! Oh, and I forgot to mention that the race director told us the snakes came out at night and they would probably be copperheads, so don’t try to pick them up. What?! Absolutely not! As the night wore on, I was keeping my eyes on the ground while sweeping the woods with my headlamp from time to time. I tried to think of a plan if a wild pig came barreling out of the woods, but I couldn’t think of a thing.

By 2 a.m., I had been on my feet since 9 a.m. the day before. I decided to lie down for two hours and rest. It was too loud to sleep, so I lay on a cot and just rested. All my muscles were twitching. My ultra mentor told me that when you think you cannot go any further, sit down and rest. He told me my body would recover quickly.

At 4 a.m. I went back out and discovered my stomach was not going to cooperate. Even my usual secret weapon, the ginger candies would not work, but eventually I felt better and hooked up with two good friends for the next few hours.

As always, I met some of the most interesting people at the race. My husband came back around nine and did a few more laps with me.

Around 11, a day without any sleep was taking its toll, so I stopped at 62. I’m hoping I can go farther next time. We’ll see, but no matter what, I know I will learn something new or conquer a fear.

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Open Yourself to What Surrounds You

I am guilty of being so busy and caught up in the bustle of daily life that I don’t always see the important elements around me. If we took more time to process the people and things surrounding us, we might be better at handling everything in a more productive way. Here are a few examples.

Use your resources to reenergize.

There is energy all around us. How we use that energy can either drain us or fuel us. When you have an energy dip what do you do? Do you grab a pastry or a candy bar for a quick boost? That’s great for the moment, but when the sugar runs out you may be more tired that you were before. What if you put on music for what you needed that day? You could put on something soothing if you needed some calm, or something that makes you want to get up and dance if you want to wake up.

Meet emotion with calm

When someone comes at you with the emotional guns blazing, don’t engage. Respond calmly. Fire needs fuel to keep burning, so don’t throw anything on that flame and it will gradually fizzle.

Look for the good and positive

This could be something else for everyone, but for me, I come alive around good people, children, and dogs. Surround yourself with whatever it is that you enjoy.

Savor the moments

Be present in the now and enjoy the moments instead of what you need to do tomorrow, or what you did yesterday.

Appreciate your blessings

We all have struggles, but there is usually plenty of reasons to be grateful. Find those blessings.

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One More Day

One More Day

If you knew you had only one more day, how would you spend it and with whom? Here is a description of mine.

If I had one more day, I would spend it with you, and we would do all the things we love. Would we wake early and watch the neighborhood wake up and see the light shine through the trees or would we snuggle under the cocoon of the covers?

We can take steaming cups of coffee out on the porch and listen to everything around us without talking because we can be content in silence.

We would go to our favorite breakfast place where everyone knows us and is happy to see us. We would eat cinnamon cream cheese pancakes and a plate full of crispy bacon. You would listen intently as I told you all my thoughts and I would listen to yours. Neither of us would interrupt the other or try to interject our story. We would just enjoy listening to each other.

We would go back home and sit on the porch as a gentle thunderstorm blew through. We would listen to the rain falling and enjoy the peace. We would both grab our favorite books and read for an hour in the hammock.

When it was time for lunch, we would make grilled cheese and soup and eat it while we watched our favorite movie. We would both fall asleep to the rain hitting the roof as we cuddled under the blankets with the cats.

When we woke, it would be time for dinner, so we would make pizza, have some wine, turn on the type of music that makes you move, and sing as loud as we could as we did crazy dance moves around the kitchen.

The rain would clear, and the sun would cast beautiful rays in the yard behind us. As the sun set and night crept in, we would watch the fireflies and share all the memories we made, and the love we had shared. We both agreed we had lives well-lived. I turned off the light and said goodbye to my last day and the person I wish I had met.  

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The Importance Of Treating My Writing as a Business

The Importance of Treating My Writing as a Business

I was reading an article by one of my favorite writers, Mark Thomson, and as usual what he wrote helped me realize I needed to make some changes. He was writing about organizing all your wandering thoughts and developing a writing routine. Here is how those simple concepts made a difference for me.

I need to prioritize my projects.

 I tend to work on too many things at once and my thoughts are all over the place, so I took a whiteboard and wrote down everything I was working on for fun as well as the projects I needed to complete for someone else. Having everything in front of me in one place made what I needed to do clearer, and it motivated me. The next thing I did was prioritize what needed to be done and swore I wouldn’t come up with a new project until I had finished a few others.

I have to pay more attention to details.

When I wrote down all the projects, I realized that I had let many of the small but important details of my business go. I use linktr.ee to display all the books and spots that readers can find me, but I haven’t updated it since three books ago. This is definitely not okay since the QR code is on the back of my business card and I want my customers at the craft market where I vend to see my updated information. I write blogs for two magazines and realized I hadn’t turned anything in this month.

I need to be more patient.

I have a wonderful publisher, but it is a small press, so it often takes quite a while to have books published. I have one in the publishing queue and another that my publisher promised to look at in February. I was ready to self-publish both, but there are some drawbacks to self-publishing. Bookstores can be reticent to carrying self-published books, and I like the support I receive from a traditional publisher.

I have to eliminate distractions

When my family sees me sitting at my desk, they decide it will be a great time to come to ask me a zillion questions, or just to chat. I distract myself as well. I will be working on a project and suddenly think of something else and before you know it my focus has been derailed.

I need to work harder on marketing.

My creative friends are always telling me to make more videos to put myself in front of people, but it seems like whenever I start a video the dog starts barking, a hornet flies in my face, or some other digital disaster occurs.

For now, I have my whiteboard full of my projects and priorities, so I am ready to go!

http://www.linktr.ee/bonnga

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10 Things My Parents Taught Me

I had wonderful parents and I am grateful for everything they did for me. They both worked hard to provide for our family and although we did not have a lot financially, we never lacked anything we really needed. Here are a few of the many things they taught me.

A strong work ethic

I worked for my dad during college, and I can still hear him telling me there is never an excuse for standing around. There is always something else you can do.

My dad worked harder than anyone I know and he did it all with an artificial leg, but I never heard him complain except to tell me he hoped I wasn’t embarrassed by it. I hope he knew how proud I was of him. He dropped out of school in the 9th grade to help his mom and he is still one of the wisest people I have ever known. He understood what was important in life, and he was determined to give his family a good life.

Kindness

Both my parents believed in the importance of helping others. My mother was involved with service at the church, and my father was always helping people through his business. They treated everyone with kindness and respect.

Don’t judge

My parents told me not to judge others because you never know what type of burden they might be carrying. Treat others with understanding and try to lighten the load if you could.

Wealth isn’t always about money

We never had much money, but I never noticed it. There was always food on the table and since my parents were master gardeners we saved money by growing a lot of our own food and canning some for the winter. We also made our own bread.

Everyone needs community

My parents knew how important community is for our well-being. My mom had her church community, our extended family and neighbors, and dad had his interactions from work.

Family is important

I grew up around many cousins, aunts and uncles. Our extended family visited often, and I came to love the chaos of a group of families laughing and talking. Family takes care of each other.

Holidays and birthdays are never just another day

A birthday is a celebration of life and holidays are a chance to make memories and come together as a family. My mother loved family gatherings. She never sat down because she was moving between people making sure everyone had enough to eat and drink. She loved being around large groups of people.

Food is love

My mom loved to cook for everyone. Food was a way for her to show you that you were loved.

Use your resources

Although there might not have been much money, my parents did things to save. We had two huge gardens full of vegetables. My dad took a night job at the local market and was allowed to bring home food that was several days old. My mom sewed clothes and took a job to send me to a good school.

Know how important laughter is

There was always laughter in my house. My parents were lighthearted and they knew that laughter was great medicine. Even the difficult days are easier if you can laugh at them.