People are fascinating and they all have their unique stories to tell. Most people want to tell you all about themselves, but what if you need to know more about someone whether it is during a job interview, your daughter’s fiancée, or someone you can help if you have more information? How do you help someone tell a story and open up?

During forty years of teaching, it was part of my job to learn to listen well and that is the first step in learning more about a person. Ask a simple question and give the person your attention as he answers. Don’t interrupt or finish the sentence, just listen.

Be aware of the vibe of a person. Some people’s body language screams their personality. You can tell if they are timid, extroverted, moody, or energetic before they even open their mouths. Knowing the personality can help you know how to start the conversation.

Be aware of your own body language. If you want someone to talk with you, be relaxed and completely turned towards the person. Look as if you are interested in what the person is about to say.

Use silence to encourage the other person to speak. We often try to fill in the silence, but if you wait a minute before you ask another question or add a comment, the person speaking will add more information.

Repeat the person’s statement in a question. An example would be if the person said, “In five years, I would like to be a manager.” You say, “So, in five years, you want to be a manager?” The person will add to the information.

Enjoy finding out about the people around you as they tell their stories.

I would not attempt to offer advice on treatment for Covid, but I would like to share some words from a doctor I had called to talk to about the long-term fatigue I was trying to overcome. I think it helps to hear about other people who are also struggling with long-term symptoms, and what the doctor said to me was unexpected and has inspired me since our phone call.

When I had Covid in August, I was lucky to have a mild case with a fever for three days, congestion, and fatigue. I remember telling my husband that it was different than anything I had ever had because the symptoms changed several times. First, I had a strange coating on my throat, but it wasn’t sore. That went away when the fever came, and then a day into the fever, the congestion and the fatigue set in. The fatigue was odd because nothing hurt, but I was so tired I didn’t want to get out of bed. The fatigue continued for over a month, and I finally called a doctor through Teladoc for some suggestions. His words helped me more than any medication could have.

As a runner, I am used to doctors telling me to take it easy, cut back on my running, and rest. The doctor I spoke with told me I should practice deep breathing to make sure I was taking in enough oxygen, but then he said, “Push yourself to the limit physically as often as you can. Don’t let this thing win.” I said, “Did you just tell me to push myself?” He said, “Yes, beat this thing.”

First, I wish I had written down his name because he is the doctor, I want for the rest of my life. Second, he gave me the motivation to start fighting against the disease without drugs, and third, he justified my conviction that this illness is more than just another form of flu-like illness. Once I knew that I wasn’t the only one fighting this fatigue and that a doctor was being my cheerleader by telling me to get stronger instead of giving in to it, I felt so much better.

I caught covid again in February and the symptoms this time were different except for the lingering fatigue. Both times, after I felt I was better, I would have fatigue days where I just wanted to stay in bed, but I would hear the doctor’s words, and I would go for a run or push through the day. I didn’t want Covid to have any power over me, and the doctor’s words helped me to fight against that.

I hope the description of my situation helps you and that you see a doctor if you are having long-term symptoms. Don’t think it is in your head, and keep searching for ways to get better.

I love having my three children and three grandchildren in my house. The truth is I have always loved a little chaos and a house filled with laughter, talking, and someone asking me to do something for them. My youngest is in her junior year of college and in a serious relationship with a boy who wants to live in Greenland. (Please tell me you all just said, “What?!” because I had the same reaction.) I recently asked her if she was thinking of moving out, and she said she would be with us until the end of college and probably another year after that. Now, although I was hoping she would stay until she was at least forty, (just kidding), I am not ready for all my children to be out of the house yet, but I know I must start preparing so I am not an emotional wreck. Anna Hoffman, PhD., a licensed psychologist at Thrive psychology in California says, “ Many caregivers will experience a sense of loss, loneliness, worry, and sadness when adult children leave the home.” She also goes on to say that parents can look at it as an opportunity to start a new chapter and experience new things. Here are some ideas I found to prepare for this in case you find yourself in the same situation.   

Take up a new interest

Start doing something you have always wanted to do but maybe didn’t have the time. It could be improving your cooking skills, woodworking, crafts, or anything else that would interest you. Not only will you be gaining a new skill, but you will also be taking your mind off of missing your children.

Reconnect with others

Reach out to friends and family and set up times to get together or to connect with video chats. Join a gym, take a class, or join a club to make even more connections.

Adopt a pet

A pet will need nurturing and love and will give love and comfort in return. You can also tell him how you are feeling about being an empty nester and he will be an attentive listener.

Reconnect with yourself

Many of us find our identities tied up to our children and we may need to rediscover who we are as individuals.

Journal

Writing is a great way to release your emotions and it is an inexpensive form of therapy.

Volunteer

Serving others makes you feel good and it will take your mind off of missing your children.

Garden

This is another form of nurturing as you help the plants to grow and thrive. You can also talk to the plants, and you will have a captive audience.  

I hope these ideas help, and I am sure I will have to write at least one more article about this phase of life, so stay tuned!

Even professional athletes who put a massive amount of time into training know the importance of a recovery day. When the body has been working hard, it needs a chance to repair and rebuild. I think our mental health needs the same thing. We need to let our minds rest and restore.

Dr. Ashley Hampton, a licensed psychologist, tells Healthline, “If you feel overwhelmed, stressed, have trouble focusing or concentrating on work or at home, or are more irritable, then you may want to consider taking a mental health day. If you think about your life as a plate with sections for work, family, life, and things you like to do, and the plate is overflowing in all areas but the things you like to do, it is time for you to take a break and participate in self-care,”

On your recovery day, do what makes you feel good and what you enjoy doing. Don’t do chores or worry about being productive. It’s a day to destress and rest your mind.

When I take a recovery day, a run is always part of the plan because running always calms me down. On most runs, though I am thinking about articles or deadlines or chores that I have to do. On the recovery days, I let my mind go blank and I enjoy listening and watching what is going on around me. At some point in the day, I will curl up with a book and lose myself in someone else’s story. The choice is yours about what activities will calm your mind.

You should not feel guilty about taking this time for yourself because the next day you will be more relaxed, positive, and productive.

Social media can be an effective life tool, but it can also cause some havoc too. Let’s look at the good, the bad, and the ugly, and see if there is a good way to navigate it.

On the website, Thumbs Down. Speak up., The role of social media in our children’s lives is discussed. They say, “They socialize, experiment with their identities, exercise their voices, and learn about the world through the use of technology.” Social media can open up a conversation with our children about many of the real-life situations they will encounter with social media and beyond. We can use it as a tool to teach them how to resolve conflict, show respect, and discern the difference between reality and a false representation of reality.

Probably the first thing to discuss with them is that what they see and hear on social media is often a distorted reality. People paint a pretty picture of themselves that often isn’t true, so it is a great time to talk about what happiness and success are, avoid comparisons, and reflect on what they see instead of automatically accepting it as truth.

Social media is often about promotion whether that promotion is for a product, a business, or a person. It helps to keep that in mind when scrolling through the posts. It is a great way to promote a business or to get the word out about a service or a message. It can help with a civic engagement like fundraising, and social awareness.

A positive aspect of social media is its ability to connect us. We can reconnect with friends and family and stay in contact to know about major events like marriages, births, and deaths. It is also useful to know when someone is in need and needs some support. It also is useful to ask questions especially as we navigate the side effects of Covid. It is valuable to hear ways others have recovered from symptoms.

In The Boy’s and Girl’s Clubs of America’s article, Effects of Social Media on Teens; Understanding Recent Headlines, 40% of Instagram’s users are 22 years old and younger with about 22 million teens logging onto the site each day. They state that teens who struggle with mental health say that Instagram makes it worse, but they feel compelled to spend time on it, so they aren’t missing out.

Social media can bring out the best and the worse in people, but you have the power about how to respond internally and externally. Let me give you an example of the negative side. Last night, I was reading Facebook when I saw a post where a friend made a comment about a political figure. She was very excited about the potential for the good she thought this person could do and the post was very positive. There was a response to the post that in my opinion was very negative, condescending, and unnecessary. When emotions start to take over a discussion, it’s probably best to change the subject. I said to my husband, “And that’s why it’s better to talk about things like oh, look the roses are doing great! When it comes to Facebook, when the crazy comes out in people, just scroll on by.

Beware of the shiny falsehoods too. All those beautiful pictures with the beautiful house, perfect children, and the dog du jour might hide some ugly truths. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. Be glorious in your beautiful imperfections.

Here’s the bottom line. Limit your time on social media because it can be addictive, realize how many likes you receive is not a measure of your worth, have conversations with your children about it, (often), enjoy interacting with family and friends, and if someone is on your feed whose posts aggravate you instead of making you smile, I think you know what to do.

It has been proven that dogs are good for our physical and mental health, but I had no idea what a positive impact our puppy would have on our family. I remember when my friend Lynn, who is a dog trainer stopped me while I was running in the neighborhood to tell me she was going to rescue a dog. I asked her to tell me about it because our dog Lilly had died several months before and I missed having a dog. Before I knew it, my husband and I were walking a four-month-old border collie back to our house, and the rescue dog began to rescue us.

The first few days were a little overwhelming for me because I wasn’t prepared for the energy level and the time that the dog needed. Even though I’m the dog lover in the family, I told my husband we might not be good enough for the dog because he is so smart, and I was surprised when my husband told me everything would be fine. Thank goodness we kept him. Let me tell you why.

My husband is a recovering alcoholic. When he was in rehab, his doctor warned him that many alcoholics switch their addiction from alcohol to something else. If he had a new addiction, I would say it was either food or work and both can be dangerous for your health in excess. His job is sedentary, so he is in front of the computer for hours at a time. Our dog gives him a reason to get out of his chair and take him out for a walk. He has become more active with the dog. They go on long walks at the park, and he takes him out when he works in the yard. I also know our dog offers him the emotional comfort that we all need.

My youngest daughter suffers from anxiety. The dog can calm her when she is anxious. She has him at her feet while she is taking an online test and petting him and talking to him helps her relax. They chase each other around the house, and I love hearing her laughter as she plays with him.  

Bandit has brought us closer as a family. His antics make us laugh, there have been a few moments when we have had to help each other through a situation, and the gentleness and love he gives us is a gift. I am very thankful to have been rescued by this dog.

How good of a listener are you? Do you focus on the person who is speaking to you or do you multitask while speaking, trying to carry on a conversation while still getting other things done? Do you sometimes turn off and tune out when a family member is talking to you about something that isn’t really interesting to you?

Those things and more contribute to what kind of listening skills or ear q you have. Listening is a skill that most of us do not do well yet the benefits that being a good listener can provide are endless. Most of the time someone is not listening for understanding, they are waiting for a chance to talk about themselves. Stephen Covey says “Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” We could all communicate so much better if our listening skills were stronger. Here are some ways to refine your listening skills.

Focus completely

When someone is speaking to you, stop doing e-mail, texting, or thinking about the next thing that you want to do. Focus completely on the person in front of you. When you give someone your complete attention you are validating the importance of that person to you. In turn, you will earn the reputation of someone who really cares about both people and issues. When you seem distracted when someone is speaking to you, it can cause them to shut down instead of opening up and sharing information that could be beneficial for you to know. Listening fully demonstrates that you respect others. It is the first step in building trust and rapport.

Don’t Make It About You

Being heard is not more important than hearing. Seek understanding before seeking to be understood. Many times instead of really listening, we are waiting for a chance to interrupt to make our point or add our story. What if we listened to understand to find shared values and to hear inspiration?

Knowledge and wisdom are not gained by talking but by listening. Listening is not about you so don’t worry about what you are going to say and focus on what’s being said.

Repeat and paraphrase

Repeat what someone says to you and summarize what you have heard. This shows you are listening for understanding and repeating back what you have heard encourages the speaker to continue to expound on the topic which will give you a greater context about what the speaker is trying to communicate.

Watch for Non-verbal clues

Listening is more than just hearing words; it is also about being aware of body language and non-verbal communication. What is the person saying with the facial expressions or body language that is not coming through in words?

Ask questions

Ask questions about what you are hearing. Not only does this show that you are fully engaged in the conversation but also you will learn more about the topic being discussed and you will make the person feel valued because you care about what he or she is saying.

 expressions or body language that is not coming through in words?

Patience

Don’t interrupt or jump to answer. Listen to what is being said and be patient while the speaker communicates a message.

Don’t try to solve a problem

If someone has come for advice, realize that sometimes someone just wants empathy and understanding. You can help someone reach a solution on his or her own just by asking questions and letting them answer and work through the problem themselves. Sometimes all someone needs to do is voice the problem and get it off his or her chest. Do not interrupt them or try to one-up the person in the problem area. “Phew, you think you’ve got it bad. Listen to what happened to me.” Let the person explain fully and let it be completely that person explaining and you trying to hear the explanation.

Learn through listening

If you are speaking, you are not learning. We sometimes feel that we need to add something to a conversation just to be heard and let people know that we are an active participant. We could be so much more valuable if we listened more than we spoke. During your next conversation or meeting, stay silent and observe while others do the talking. After you think you have understood all aspects of the dialogue, then you can comment. Experiment to see if it makes a difference.

Assess through stories

Listening to the stories that people reveal is an easy way to get to know people. It’s a great way to find out more about a potential job candidate. People reveal character and values as they share stories; all you have to do is listen.

Listen for need

Everyone needs to be listened to at some point. Even rock stars need encouragement and a chance to share. People will show you their needs with body language or a sigh. When someone looks like they are carrying the weight of the world ask them about it. Be that person who lifts people up because there may be a time when you need the same support.

Be available

Don’t be too busy to listen to someone. It may be a lost opportunity that you will never have again. Your 14 year old might need to share something that is crucial even if only in her life. Stay open to those conversations and the possibilities for relationships that are all around you every day. Make eye contact, say hello, ask questions and then see where the conversation leads. As human beings we need connections and listening is a great way to connect.

Listening is a skill that most of us do not do very well. It is also a valuable learning tool as well as an excellent way to build connections and communication. It is a way to validate someone and a great interviewing method.

Listening is a skill that we can practice and hone and the benefits impact both us and those around us. Experiment with listening completely without interrupting, without making it about you, and see what you can learn.

Time and how we spend it has a powerful effect on our lives. On the Positive Psychology website, this quote resonated with me. “It appears that the problem in relation to time crunch lies not in the amount of time available, not in having to manage it successfully in order to squeeze out an hour a day, but in learning how to balance time in such a way that it contributes to our well-being.” The issue is not how much time we have or how many things we need to do in a day, it’s how we choose to balance time and what we do. We often feel powerless before time and it feels as if there is never enough of it to accomplish everything we want to do, but we have choices every day about how we balance our time.

I didn’t realize how out of balance my use of time had been until I retired after forty years of teaching. Like many teachers, I allowed teaching to consume my time at the expense of my family. Since my retirement, I realize how much my family needs my time. My youngest is in college and she wants advice about life, and I am blessed that she wants to spend time with me to talk and laugh. My husband comes up between meetings and calls to talk about what happened. I have a new grandson who I take care of two days a week, but most days my oldest wants to talk to me instead of working. If this use of my time wasn’t enough, for some reason we thought we had enough time for a puppy.

I have prioritized how I want to spend my time by reflecting on what gives me the most joy. I balance that with responsibilities that I have to accomplish. My use of time doesn’t have to look the same for you because you might have different priorities and we can always find more time for the things and people we love. I always had the power to balance my time, but I didn’t know how. Here are a few strategies that I hope will help you.

Make a to-do list

A list helps to keep you focused on what you need to do and there is something satisfying about crossing off items as you finish them.

Schedule your day

What do you need to do when? I had a colleague who scheduled every minute of the day. I know I could not be that regimented, but I think it’s a good idea to have a plan for how the day will go.

Be prepared

Prepare the night before for the next day so you will save time on decisions and finding items. If you bring your lunch, prepare it the night before. Plan your outfit and have it out and ready. Put anything that will be going with you near the door so you will not forget it.

Organize

Know where everything is so you can save time instead of searching for things. Hang jackets and keys near the door.

Delegate tasks

Are there tasks that other family members can do? Don’t feel you need to do everything.

Make easy meals

You don’t have to be a gourmet cook to have good meals. Use the crockpot or have easy-to-make ingredients.

It’s also important when you are planning your time that you schedule some time for yourself. Doing nothing occasionally can be time well spent.

I think most people are creatives in some way. Everyone creates something whether it is writing, music, cooking, crafting, art, or other creative ventures. Creating in whatever form is a way to improve our mental health and to express ourselves. Creators need creative space to do their work, and each person might need something slightly different in the space. Answer the following questions to help you design your spot.

How much space do you need? Where can you find the space?

What resources and items do you need in your space to create?

What will help to inspire you in your space?

Do you create best at a certain time of the day?

I have been a writer for many years, and my creative space helps me to express myself. Let me tell you about my favorite place.

I write in the back of the house where we have a huge sunroom. There are large windows looking out in the backyard. There are two comfortable couches. One is for naps when I have become too tired to create, and the other is for my cats and dog to keep me company. I have a diffuser that diffuses an essential oil that smells amazing, and on rainy days, I have candles to light to add to the ambiance. I have two spots where I write within this space. My husband built me a beautiful podium where I sometimes write, but most of the time I am at my desk surrounded by my favorite photos, notes, and quotes. I love journals so I often write in them first, but I also have a large whiteboard where I often brainstorm ideas. There is something about this space that helps me write. It is my happy spot.

Make your creative space a spot where you love to go and lose yourself in the creating.

In his article, The Urgent Need for Acts of Loving Kindness, Rich Harwood says, “We are failing to see and hear one another. We have forgotten the intrinsic value of one another. Human dignity becomes victim. Today we urgently need more individual acts of loving-kindness.”

Being kind to each other creates relationships and bonds that we need to understand each other. When we feel supported, seen, and valued, we feel more comfortable around each other. Gray Robinson, an attorney and relationship expert says, “When people are kind, life is less threatening, and relationships are fostered. Kindness is the courage to be gentle when threatened.”

Being kind can be good for our health. Andy Thornton, a cognitive behavioral hypnotherapist says, “When we practice kindness either to other people or towards ourselves, we can experience positive mental and physical changes through lowering stress levels and increasing the body’s production of feel-good hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin. Being kind helps boost the immune system, reduce blood pressure, and reduce stress and anxiety.”

Kindness is a gift even though you don’t expect anything in return, it makes you feel good to do something nice for someone. One year around Christmas, one of my colleagues told me that she wouldn’t be able to buy presents for her boys and that she was struggling in general because her husband had lost his job. Another friend and I decided to fill her work area with toys for her boys, and at the time, our Christmas bonus came in the form of a gift card, so we both gave her our cards so that she would have extra money to cover expenses. Her face, when she found out what we did, was priceless, and Donna and I had so much fun doing it. We looked at each other later and said, “Who else can we do this for?!”

Kindness that you give out comes back to you. My husband listened to me today as I made appointments for the dermatologist for him and my daughter. The woman who was helping me was on the struggle bus and nothing was working for her, so it was taking forever to process new patient information. Not only did I cheerfully continue to repeat what I had just said, but I told her several times that I appreciated her efforts. Have you ever noticed how surprised someone seems when you compliment them? That tells me it doesn’t happen very often. Don’t be that person who takes out your frustration on someone who is doing the best to perform a task. At the end of the call, she gave my daughter an emergency spot for the next day because she is suffering from severe eczema. My husband told me that people are extra-kind to me. I believe that the actions you put out come back to you, so if someone is kind to me, it’s because I am trying to treat them well.

Kindness in the workplace makes people feel supported and when workplace morale is up, so is productivity.

Children need kindness for healthy development. Dr. John DeGarmo says, “Whether we are paying a compliment of some kind, telling a child how important and how loved he is, lifting him up in praise, or other words of kindness, these are the words children crave and need to hear, throughout each day. Kindness and kind words can change the direction and life of a child.”

Kindness does not have to be a huge action. A small thing like a smile, opening a door for someone, helping to carry something, an encouraging word, or buying a coffee are all ways to be kind. One person can start a domino effect because kindness is contagious. One person can make a difference. The Dalai Lama said, “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”