I had the strangest dream last night. I met a woman who had been in a coma since 1971. She was asking me what had changed since that time. I know I dreamed this because my husband and I were talking about the crazy things happening in the world. It’s easy to shake your head and say what is going on? Has everyone lost their mind? The fact is though, we have had controversy and a lot of crazy in every decade. So, here are the questions I remember her asking in the dream and my answers to them.

Dream lady: How have things changed? Has there been a lot of progress?

Me; Well, there has been progress in many ways, but we still have a lot of work to do.

Dream lady; Have there been improvements in gender and racial equality?

Me; We have had a black president, and we have our first female vice-president, and the speaker of the house is a woman. However, we still have work to do in this area too.

Dream lady: If a lot of progress has not been made in human relationships, where did most of the positive changes happen?

Me; We have made many advances with technology. Instead of researching with books, we use the internet for quick answers. We have cell phones that can serve most of our needs. They can give us directions, let us send messages to each other, and we can video chat, read books, and watch movies. There is something called social media where we can share photos and post our thoughts and comments. There are different types of social media including one that is just for quick photos that you can alter to look better. Although they can be a way to connect, they can also cause problems by fostering comparisons, and sometimes stirring the opinion pot.

Dream lady: So, our culture has focused more on perfecting machines than on strengthening relationships.

Me; Well, that would depend on your perception.

Dream lady; What about food? Please tell me that hamburgers and pizza are still popular.

Me; Definitely.

Dream lady: Thank goodness something makes sense.   

Prayer is powerful hope. Prayer offers calm where there may be chaos. I respect anyone’s decision not to believe in this power, but I have seen it work too many times in my life not to believe it. Let me tell you a few stories about prayer in my experience.

When I was little if I misbehaved my mother would say, “Wait until your father comes home and I tell him what you did.” Every time she said that I would pray that God would make her forget by the time my dad came home, and since I never found out what dad would do, I was sure that God was listening to my prayers.

My sister had already had breast cancer once and had to go in for another biopsy years later. She told me if the tumor was malignant, she would not accept the treatment. I have a group of friends that I call my prayer warriors, so I asked them to pray that the tumor was benign. When I called my sister the night of the biopsy, she said that when she entered the office, the technician said they wanted to take another x-ray before doing the biopsy. When they took it, there was no tumor. The doctor later said she could not explain it. The tumor had disappeared.

As a Catholic, I have a patron saint. Mine is St. Thèrese de Lisieux. I didn’t know much about her until later in life when I found out that my sister had the same saint. My sister told me that the symbol of St. Thèrese is the rose and that when I saw roses that meant everything would be o.k. St. Thèrese and I have a lot in common. She was French, I am a French teacher. She was a writer; I try to be a writer. She was stubborn and so am I. I was making a tough decision about quitting my job and moving my family. There were a lot of pieces to the decision, and I was worried that I was making the wrong choice. Suddenly, I started seeing roses everywhere. Don’t laugh, but they were even on the Chinese take-out box and on the toilet paper in Outback. I pray to St. Thèrese all the time and she comes through for me. My husband has planted roses all around our yard. On a school trip to France, I walked into the cathedral dedicated to her without knowing it until I was inside.

My parents bought a collie when I was born, and we grew up together until I was 13. She was amazing, and for the rest of my life I wanted another collie, but it never worked out until this year. We lost our dog of many years, and although I knew I eventually wanted another one, I wasn’t sure where I should look for it. A thought jumped in my head that said it would come to me. In October, I was out running when my friend Lynn pulled out and said, “I’m going to go rescue a dog. A couple bought it for emotional support, but it is too active for them. It’s a border collie.” I asked my husband if we could just look at him and the rest is history. I was out running several days later, and I thought, “Oh my gosh, I have a collie and it came to me!” I consider it another answered prayer.

I am also grateful that some prayers have not been answered because they were not going to be good for me.

If you are not a believer, you can still see results by sending out positive affirmations. My family used to laugh at me when we would pull into a packed restaurant parking lot and I would say, “We will get right in!” when we went in there would always be a table for four that just opened up. Now, they usually say it before me.  

Many of us suffer from insecurities, and we would rather avoid trying something new and failing at it than being stagnant with what is comfortable. We cannot grow until we step out of our comfort zone, but often that first step is terrifying. If we believe we can do it, that first step is a little easier and as we start to see success and the possibilities, the sky is the limit. I have a sign on my desk that says that something is only impossible until you do it. Here are a few things that will help you believe that you can do those things that seem out of reach.

Adopt a positive mindset. Positive thinking can send out strong energy and when you use positive words of affirmation, it is amazing to see the results. After you prove once or twice that you are capable of difficult tasks, you will gain confidence and continue to be stronger. Possible mantras are as simple as, “I am strong enough to do this.” “I am capable.” Also, adopt a growth mindset. This means that if something is difficult for you to accomplish, acknowledge that you might need some additional knowledge or experience, and although you haven’t accomplished it yet, you will.

Ignore the haters. No matter how well you do something, there will be people who find something to criticize. Worrying about what other people say is wasted energy unless it is a good critique that you can use to grow. If you are passionate about something, you need to do it, and sometimes that means you do it even without support from those around you.

Be patient. Make goals and plans for what you want to accomplish, and if something doesn’t work, then reflect on what needs to change. Let’s say your dream is to complete a marathon. You can’t be ready for that in a week. Give yourself time.

Be persistent. It is so easy to give up when we don’t find success right away. You have to keep trying, and if you fail at something, so what? Get back up and try again.

Remember you are a rock star. This sounds like you have an ego, but it is a good practice to remind yourself of your good qualities on those days when you are feeling down.

O.k., it’s time for you to go prove that you can. The first step is to believe you can.

Are you carrying some heavy burdens? Do you wish you could lighten your load a little? We all have burdens of some kind, though we may carry them in different ways. The way we react to our challenges in life will determine whether we continue to struggle or whether we live life to the fullest.

When we are faced with roadblocks in life, we always have choices. We can let them paralyze us and not move forward, we can bust through them leaving havoc in our wake, or we can find a way around them continuing down our path. Here are a few ideas to help you lighten your load.

Be transparent about your struggles.

One of the best things I did when I was struggling with some choices my two older children were making was to stop worrying if anyone else would find out. I started talking about it with a group of mom colleagues and I saw them all breathe a sigh of relief as they began to share their own struggles as parents. If you share your burdens, not only could you lighten those of someone else, but you will release the fear and stress of hiding the struggle. You also never know when someone might know how to help you.  

Keep them in perspective

Everyone has issues. Whenever I am having a pity party about something that really isn’t that big of a deal, suddenly I hear stories of people dealing with horrific problems that leave me putting my tiny issue in perspective. Here is an example. I hate going to the dentist and as I was sitting in the office waiting for a cleaning, I was feeling sorry for myself until a woman walked up to the desk to check out. The receptionist said, “What insurance do you have?” The woman replied, “I don’t have any insurance.” (burden #1) “I haven’t had any since a year after my husband died.” (burden#2) “Since my cancers, (burden#3 because not only one cancer but plural), the insurance companies won’t accept me.” (burden#4) Let’s say that after that I realized the dentist isn’t that bad.

What can you let go?

There are some burdens that are not really ours to carry, and we sometimes make them heavier than they need to be. I didn’t understand the choices my son was taking, and instead of trying to understand him, I plagued myself wondering what I had done wrong. I worried myself into an extreme state of stress wondering how to help him, when a friend said, “Jen, love him through it. He is more likely to repair the relationship if he feels accepted and loved. You should let go of your need to fix it.” She was right and letting that stress go lifted a huge burden from me. Sit down and ask yourself if you are putting extra burdens on your shoulders. Is there something in your life that it’s time to let go of?  

Ask for help

Instead of accepting your burdens, ask for help to lighten the load. People want to help, but they are often not sure how to do it. Make a plan to make things better.

Pray or send out a request to the universe

If you are a believer, pray that your burdens will be lightened. I have seen the power of prayer. I also think sending out positive thoughts works as well. Say things like, “I will be healed of this illness.”, or “Nothing but blessings for me for now on.”

Take care of yourself

When you feel burdened, it is easy to become depressed, overwhelmed, and unmotivated. Don’t allow that to happen. Take care of yourself by eating well, staying active, and surrounding yourself with good people.

Burdens are part of life, but the lifting of them, and the journey to do that, can turn those burdens into blessings. Remember, it’s not what happens to us, it’s how we react to it.

Finding motivation

Do you ever have those days when you cannot find the motivation to do anything? If I have a day like that it usually starts out with me having a death grip on a cup of coffee while I stare into space wondering, why I am so tired and why do I not want to do anything. What are those things that steal your motivation and what can you do to find it again? Here are a few reasons for a lack of motivation that I think is common and some ideas to solve them.

Being hard on yourself. Do you go through times like I do when you don’t think what your doing is good enough, or you aren’t working hard enough at it? Do we also add in the comparison game of why can’t I be as successful as that person? The way I fight these feelings is to make sure my thoughts are realistic or are they limiting. I make a list of what I have accomplished and what I would like to achieve, and then I adopt a mindset of thinking that I might not have achieved something yet, but I can do it if I figure out how. Change those limiting thoughts to empowering ones and see if it makes a difference.

Rediscover your why. Why are you doing a project, activity, job, or anything else in your life? Clearly define your reasons for where you spend your time.

Feeling overwhelmed. If you look at something you need to do and start to panic, break it into small tasks. You can use this technique for anything you do. I do this when I run. Instead of saying I am running 6 miles, I take it a mile at a time. There is a 5k race we do every year that I love because, for me, there are three distinct miles. Mile one, I have to make it to the park, mile two, I’m out of the park and back on the road, and mile 3 is back where I started. Breaking it up like that makes that run easy for me.

You do not have support. I am going to confess something here I don’t think I have ever told anyone but my closest friends. My husband and my children could care less about my writing passion, and I don’t think any of them have ever read anything I have written. To be fair, they are the same when it comes to my running obsession, it’s just not their thing. I cannot expect support from them, but in a way that motivates me more because I want to show them, that I can be a success at what I love. I also make sure I work in an environment that makes me happy. Do whatever you can to do the same. I have a creative space filled with everything I love, including a diffuser with some amazing aromatherapy.

Being unhealthy. If you are not sleeping enough or taking care of yourself by eating well and exercising, your motivation can be drained.

You are bored. If you feel like you are in a rut, change some things up, and renew your routine.

Think beyond yourself. How can you help others with what you do? Sometimes helping others helps you.

One last idea. I read a great article that said emotion creates motion, and motion creates emotion. Figure out what needs to move, to change, and find your motivation.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that my love language is food. If you are struggling, I am going to bring you your favorite food because food can lift our spirits as well as nourishing us. It’s a way to express love with a simple gift that can help the body and soul.

I taught high school for forty years, and I spent a small fortune feeding my students because teenagers are always hungry, and it’s hard to focus on learning when you are hungry. I also enjoyed giving them snacks because many had run out of the house without breakfast because they had tried to sleep as late as possible, or they skipped lunch to study for a test. The gift of food can help someone manage a hectic schedule.

Think about the last time you had friends over for a meal. Where did the guests congregate? My guess is everyone was in the kitchen because good food is always anticipated, and it can bring people together.

Food is our basic need and our fuel. Giving extra that we have to those who need it is a gesture we should all be willing to make.

Cooking is a calming activity, and it is even more fun when it is done with friends. Eating your creation with loved ones while you talk, and laugh is priceless.

Food creates memories. If you ask my oldest what she likes about her trips to France, (I’m a French teacher), she won’t say Notre Dame or The Eiffel Tower. She will say baguette sandwiches, French onion soup, and Crêpes, and she will say it with a dreamy look in her eyes.

Unfortunately, all good things can have a dark side too. Many eat food in excess to deal with their struggles. It is a form of comfort when life seems out of control, but it can make things worse by hurting your health. Those struggling with eating disorders refuse to eat because it is the only thing they feel they can control. If you have an unhealthy issue with food, I hope you will reach out for help.   

So, what will you do with your food power? Are you going to your favorite restaurant, cooking for friends, or gifting someone with food? No matter what you do with food, it will be powerful.

Most doctors will tell you that resting enough is a smart idea to maintain good health, and athletic trainers will tell you that adequate rest is an important part of any training routine. Here is a portion of the article, Why it’s important to allow yourself to rest on the Integris Health site.

“So many Americans are caught in the grind of work, family responsibilities, and ongoing stress. Often, we only allow ourselves to truly rest on holidays or vacations. However, it’s so important to prioritize adequate rest and quality sleep in your everyday life. Rest and sleep are two different things, but both are equally important to your mental, emotional, and physical health. Plus, prioritizing rest can improve your quality of sleep.

Rest can be difficult to define because it can look different for everyone. Rest is any behavior aimed at increasing physical or mental well-being. It can be active, such as going for a walk outside, or passive, such as taking 10 minutes to sit down and breathe deeply. Regardless of how you choose to rest, these daily behaviors can help you recover and recharge from physical and mental efforts. That’s why better rest is linked to better physical and mental health.”

So, if we all agree it is important, why do we have so much trouble doing it? The easy answer is that most of us don’t make time for it. We live in a culture that rewards productivity, so we sometimes feel guilty if we are not doing something. I spent an hour reading on the porch today and I kept thinking there was probably something more important I should be doing, but what is more important than recharging and renewing? Most of us have all sorts of responsibilities and only 24 hours to complete them. It is easy to see why we are stressed and tired.

Another reason we struggle to rest well is that we are so connected to our tech. We go to our phones when we have downtime, and social media can cause more stress or stimulation than it can relax us.

Some of us are also not wired to relax. I have trouble sitting still for very long if I am not doing a task. I also have so many things I want to do that the idea of curling up on the couch usually doesn’t work for me. The rare times that I have climbed under the covers to watch television, someone in my family asks me if I’m o.k.

What can we do to rest more? How can we make it a priority? Here are a few ideas.

Give yourself breaks. This could be a day when you disconnect from your phone, or you don’t have to do some of your responsibilities like cleaning the house.

What can you ask others to do? We try to take it all on ourselves when we could delegate some things. This goes for at home too. Give everyone a chore.

Set boundaries for your time. Your time is valuable so decide how you need to protect it.

Get outside more. Nature can have a relaxing effect on you.

Leave for work or other obligations a little earlier so you have a time cushion and will be less stressed.

Use calming music to relax.

I know finding time to rest is not always easy, but we can be better at everything we do if we are doing it fully charged.

I have had some comments on my articles that expressed the emotional pain some readers were feeling. Although I read all my comments, I don’t respond to all of them for various reasons, but for those who expressed their pain, I didn’t respond right away because I wanted my response to be helpful in some way, and not just a quick reply, so to the responders to my article, Are you lonely, and Love at first sight, this article is for you. I hope it helps.

There are so many different types of emotional pain, so I am going to focus on dealing with loneliness and the loss of a loved one.

Loneliness

On www.cigna.com, the article, How to deal with loneliness, says, “Loneliness is not an abstract condition that affects only certain kinds of people. The truth is that feelings of loneliness can affect anyone—young, old, and in-between—and at any point in life.”

Loneliness can affect people differently. It can affect you either physically, mentally, or both. It can negatively affect your health, so finding ways to alleviate it are positive steps to making life better for you. Here are a few ideas to cope with loneliness.

Push yourself to spend time with others even though loneliness sometimes makes you want to withdraw socially. It can feel safe to stay at home but going out into the world and interacting will help.

Do you know other people who are lonely? Help them out by asking them to go for coffee, out to eat, or to the movies.

Join a gym and talk to at least one person each time you go. (This means you have to go.)

If you belong to a church, join some of the social events they offer.

Volunteer in your neighborhood.

Adopt a pet. Taking care of an animal can lift your loneliness. You will have an animal who needs and loves you, and it is a great way to meet people when you go out for walks.

Talk to strangers. My family hates that I talk to everyone, but how else will you meet fascinating people if you don’t start some conversations. Be careful of course because not all strangers are safe to speak with.

You must know you have value. I read a comment from someone online as I was researching this that broke my heart. The person said he would always be lonely because no one wanted to be around him. Don’t give up on finding the right people to surround yourself with, they are out there. You have to find your people, sometimes it only takes a while.

Consider seeing a therapist. Going to an expert to talk out your feelings could be a good idea.

Disconnect from social media from time to time because being too connected can make you feel lonelier sometimes.

Find some hobbies you enjoy. Feeling busier may relieve some of the feelings of loneliness.

I hope these give you a few ideas to try. Don’t give in to loneliness. Find ways to connect.

Loss of a loved one

At www.healgrief.org, they describe grief in this way, “Grief is personal and individual, and every person experiences its nuances differently. Your personality, your support system, your natural coping mechanisms, and many other things will determine how a loss will affect you. There are no rules, no timetables, and no linear progression. Some people feel better after a few weeks or months, and for others, it may take years. And in the midst of recovery, there may be setbacks — this nonlinear process can’t be controlled. It’s critical that you treat yourself with patience and compassion and allow the process to unfold.”

Here are a few ideas on coping with losing a loved one.

Allow yourself to grieve.

I am not good at following this advice because I am very emotional and feel things deeply. When I lost my parents and my sister, I had the same experience emotionally each time. Because I feel so deeply, grieving completely right after the death of loved ones is too much for me. I push the emotions away and deal with them bit by bit. This did not work out well after my sister died. My mom died when I was 33 and my oldest sister was like a mom for the next 30 years. She was also the person who could tell if something was wrong or if I was tired just by hearing my voice. When her health started to fail, I knew my husband and children were worried about how I would deal with her death. When she died, I felt I had to be strong for her children and the rest of the family, so I kept pushing the emotions away until they overwhelmed me when I least expected it. Growing up, whenever any of us went anywhere, my mom would say, “Call me when you get there.” My sister continued it after my mom. My nephew had come to visit and as he left, he said, “I’ll call you when I get there.” At that moment, I heard all the times that sentence had been said in love, and the emotions swamped me. I ran inside and cried on the kitchen floor until all the pain I had been pushing away could be dealt with.

Express your grief through writing in a journal or make a scrapbook or photo journal to preserve memories of the person you lost.

Take care of yourself. You may feel numb or lethargic, but you may feel better if you go for a walk or do something you enjoy.

Ask for help. After someone passes, there is lots of activity at first as people send cards and drop off meals, but then it becomes very quiet. Ask for help if you are feeling lonely or need something. Most people want to help but are not sure how to help.

Join a support group where you can share your grief with others going through the same thing.

Don’t look for relief in unhealthy ways. Alcohol and drugs will only temporarily numb the pain and will probably lead to more problems.

I truly hope these suggestions help and I would love to hear comments on things that have worked for you.

Dogs have personalities like we do, but what determines how that personality develops? Is it because of their breed, their environment, their experiences, or all these things and more?

In the article, Dogs and Their Owners Share Similar Personality Traits, Megan Schmidt says, “A paper published in The Journal of Research in Personality says a dog’s personality reflects the personality of its owner. It also explains that dogs experience personality changes similar to how humans do over the course of their lives. She goes on to say that dogs’ personalities change as they grow older and are influenced by lifestyle and experience. She also states that a recent study found that dog behavioral tendencies are distinct and are rooted in their DNA.

In the article, How Much of a Dog’s Personality Comes from Their Owner, PETMD says that people tend to choose dogs who have personality traits like their own. Do you think you have the same personality as your dog? Our dog Bandit is high energy, curious, loving, gentle, stubborn, funny, and very intelligent. I can claim all those traits except for super-intelligent, and I probably only think I am funny.

PETMD also states that dogs have the ability to read and match human emotions. Dr. Lisa Pinn McFaddin says, “Dogs are true empaths. They can sense minute physiologic changes in people and animals and respond accordingly.

In a new study in Science, Kathleen Morrill, a dog geneticist, says a dog’s breed is not a good predictor of behavior. They concluded that breed explains only 9 percent of behavioral variation. That doesn’t mean people don’t have stereotypes about the personalities of certain breeds. We had a beautiful black Pitbull named Lily. Most of the time when I told someone I had a Pitbull, the reaction was, “Oh!” It bothered me because she did not deserve the stereotype of a vicious dog. So many different factors go into the development of their personalities.

How does your dog show personality? Have you seen the personality change over time?

I have so much to learn from life, and I will never pretend to be wise, but there are certain things I have learned the hard way, and I wish someone could have spared me the pain by teaching me about the situations ahead of time. I hope a few of the following thoughts might help you.

Choose your friends carefully. I have a lot of people I enjoy being around, but I only have a handful of close friends. I used to think that meant maybe there was something wrong with me because I didn’t have more, but I discovered that when it comes to friends, you should pick quality over quantity. It took me several toxic relationships to learn that friendship should not hurt.

Make memories. We can become caught up in our responsibilities so much that we forget that it is also important to play. Spend time with the ones you love, and find fun activities to do together,

You cannot make everyone happy, so do what makes you happy. I used to worry about what other people thought, but then I realized that no matter what I did, there would be people who thought it was great, and others who would criticize it.

Imperfections are beautiful. Trying to be perfect must be exhausting because you must do so much to maintain it, and you never really achieve actual perfection. Be the best version of yourself because imperfections are more interesting.

Understand an action before you react to it. I used to sign my students up for a national exam, and even on a good day, it took a lot of time that I did not have to spare. One year, everything on the website was glitching, so I called up the woman in charge and had a temper tantrum. The woman on the phone was so kind and understanding. At that moment, she taught me a valuable lesson, and I said, “Lisa, the next time someone has a temper tantrum with me, I’m going to react the same way you did.”

Don’t feel guilty about self-care. Taking care of yourself affects everything you do. If you are at your best health-wise, you can do your best work.

Do nothing sometimes. I am high-energy and driven to perform, but I am becoming better at curling up on the couch or sitting on the porch. Rest is restorative.

Follow your dreams even if the people around you don’t understand them.

I hope some of these resonate with you and help lift you up.