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The Mental Strength to Move Forward

 I wrote 101 Tips to Lighten Your Burden because I wanted to help some of the many people who struggle with mental health every day. I hoped I could provide some inspiration to show people the possibilities and the light when they only saw despair and darkness.

I knew I wanted to start the book with how to be in a good place mentally to make it easier for everyone to be able to move forward toward the best life possible. Here are the concepts that begin the book.

You are wonderfully made. Everyone has both weaknesses and special qualities. Don’t try to be anything other than your true self. Your real friends are those who love you exactly as you are. Focus on those strengths that make you shine and improve in areas where you want to be better.

Believe you can. Your beliefs become your reality. At the beginning of each semester, I did an exercise with my students to show them the power of negative and positive thoughts. I would ask for a volunteer and then tell the volunteer that he should hold his arm out at shoulder level and repeat, “I will not drop my arm.” After the student repeated this several times, I would tell him I was going to try to pull his arm down, but he shouldn’t let me. I was never able to make him lower his arm. I then asked him to raise his arm again, but this time I told him to say, “I can’t keep my arm up.” This time when I pulled on the arm, the arm dropped immediately. I wanted my students to realize that their energy could affect the outcome of their efforts.

Do not compare yourself to others. Be careful when you find yourself wishing you were like someone else because you don’t know what hidden burdens that person has. Be the best person you can be and celebrate your success as well as the success of those around you. Be grateful for your blessings and realize that imperfection is more interesting and involves inspirational stories.

Do not allow anyone to limit you.  Even your family and friends can hold you back when they don’t think your dreams are realistic. When I told my husband I wanted to be a writer, he told me he wanted to be a pro golfer but that wasn’t going to happen either. I had to draw some boundaries for his attitude about my writing, and he is now supportive of what I am doing. If you love to do something, move forward and prove the haters wrong.

When I was forty-two, I wanted to have a third child. When I mentioned this to others, the reactions were always negative and included comments about my age, how old I would be when my child graduated high school, and the potential for health problems because I was an older mother. I ignored the comments and had my daughter who is the light of my life. I would have missed out on so much joy if I had listened to others.

These are the basics of working on staying strong mentally. Once you can master these tips, you can move forward to use the next set.

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Ten Tips for Traveling with a Toddler

I always thought it was important to take my child everywhere even when they were very little. I wanted to expose them to everything and teach them from an early age how to behave and enjoy new experiences.

Those experiences included traveling with my children, but for some reason I didn’t travel out of the country with them until they were at least six. As a French teacher, I traveled often to France with students or family because I needed to immerse myself to improve my language skills. I brought my children as often as I could because I wanted them to be global citizens, to understand cultural differences and the importance of learning other languages. My oldest daughter went to France the most and her memories are of playing in the Luxembourg gardens, going to the interactive science museum called La Cité, and eating amazing food. When my grandson was born, she told me she wanted to expose her son to all of those wonderful experiences, so last week we took the four-year-old for his first trip out of the country. Let me tell you the tips I learned from this trip as well as what I learned from the trips with my children.

Tip #1 Always make sure your child is fed and rested. My grandson is a picky eater, so we knew our options were limited, so every morning I went into the bakery to buy two croissants and two donuts to be ready for that moment when he said, “I’m hungry!” This tip applies whether you are traveling or not because most meltdowns happen because of hunger or fatigue.

Tip #2 Factor in downtime. Being in a different environment can be stimulating and overwhelming. Plan some time everyday to have some quiet time.

Tip #3 Don’t supersize the itinerary. Plan one activity a day and if everybody feels good you can do something else, but if you plan too much at once you are asking for a meltdown and it might not be the toddler that has it.

Tip #4 Be prepared. My grandson is potty trained, but there was still potential for disaster, so my daughter packed extra clothes in case they were needed.

Tip #5 Let them be kids. Plan some kid-friendly activities like kid’s museums or playgrounds. Let them run off the zoomies.  

Tip #6 Build their excitement. Act as if what you are about to do is the best thing ever. They will join in with enthusiasm.

Tip #7 Be patient. When something goes wrong, realize that all the new things might be difficult for your child. Remember the trip doesn’t have to be perfect.

Tip #8 Keep a sense of humor. When things don’t go according to plan, see the humor in the situation and carry on.

Tip #9 Have a plan B. Be ready to pivot at any moment because even the best plans can fall apart. We had tickets to ride a bus to see the major attractions, but when we arrived my husband couldn’t find the tickets on his phone. Everyone can have those moments when excess fatigue shuts down the brain, so be ready to look for a different way to accomplish the goals. I redid the tickets and the company refunded us.

Tip #10 Ask for help. If you have family with you work together to help each other when it is needed. If you are alone, ask for help from others when you know those requests are safe.

I hope these tips help you. Don’t be afraid to travel with a child. It’s possible he or she will have the best attitude of the whole group.

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What’s Life without a few scars and brokenness?

Do you allow toxic thoughts to slip in that tell you what a mess you are and how broken you have become? First, let me assure you that you are not the only one to have those thoughts, but they can cause us harm, but there are ways to turn those thoughts around because your mess and your brokenness are all a matter of perception, so here are a few things to remember, and some action steps to take to go from feeling broken to glorious.

Change your thinking. One of the reasons I wrote this article was because I was lying in bed this morning thinking that I really was a mess then I started to argue with myself by finding a few positives about my messy self. I know I am not the only one to struggle with staying positive about myself. Our mind rules the day, so if we can control how we think, we can change a lot. Switch any negative thoughts to positives and see the difference it makes. Tell yourself you are pretty darn wonderful until you believe it yourself.  

List the good things. What are your best qualities? Are you kind? Loyal? Easy to be with? Make a list.

What have your scars and failures done for you? I am a true believer that the more you fail, the more you learn, and sometimes those failures leave mental and physical scars. I have the most scars from parenting, teaching, and karate. Parenting taught me unconditional love, forgiveness and the importance of boundaries, teaching taught me the importance of relationships, and karate taught me that I should never give up because persistence pays off, I should recognize toxic behavior sooner, and just because someone is the person in charge doesn’t mean he should be. If you never fail you will miss out on some valuable lessons.

What are your most glorious stories? Think about those times when you triumphed and it felt glorious. Write them down and relive that feeling. The first one that came to mind for me was when I was an advocate for my oldest daughter. She had started to go to the special education class during reading time because she was below reading level. She started to tell me that the teacher was yelling at them. I told her that a teacher should never yell, but maybe she had a bad day. Then, she came home and told me the teacher called her a liar. I arranged a meeting for the next day, and I made sure the teacher knew what I thought about her methods.

Keep rising up and bring someone with you. It doesn’t matter how many times you mess up. You have a fresh start every day. Hold yourself together with a sense of humor and a refusal to quit. When you figure something out, share the secret with someone else.

Be happy with who you are. I have been a people pleaser most of my life then suddenly I decided I needed to draw some boundaries to protect my peace. I’m happy with who I am and I’m not going to beg someone to be my friend. Don’t worry what others think of you. Deflect the arrows of the people who think they know what is best for you.

I hope these ideas help you to turn the thoughts around to see how glorious you are!

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How to be your best marketing tool

Don’t you wish you could just write and watch your writing sell itself? We all find out quickly that if we can’t find a way for people to notice our work, our writing will sit there and molder, but what if I told you marketing can be fun?

I thought marketing was something I did with newsletters and my blog which meant I could continue to interact through my writing, but I discovered that the best marketing is much more personal and it requires you to find the type of connection that will work for you.

When I first started writing I was terrible at marketing. I listened to the advice that said go out in your community, and make contacts and connections, but I always felt so awkward. My friend worked at an assisted living facility, and she asked me to vend my books there. I was sure the other vendors would know I was new at this, so instead of trying to act like I knew what I was doing, I confessed I was a newbie and I asked questions. I learned so much that day and each event I did after that felt more comfortable.

I contacted local bookstores and asked if I could come in and do a signing. More than once, I was the only one in the room, so that was demoralizing. I was asked to do a reading. There were six children and their parents and after it was over my friend asked me if I would do it again and my reply was, “Not if I can avoid it.” I felt so uncomfortable. After that day I decided I needed to come up with a different plan, so I applied to vend at a local craft market. I had no idea that the experience would change everything.

The first time I showed up to vend, I had a small table with my books set up. Several weeks later my husband had made some small displays and every week I tried to improve the presentation. I quickly discovered that I had found my favorite form of marketing because I could interact with people while I talked to them about my books and played with their dogs and children. I gave out treats to dogs and butterfly stickers to children and when they started to talk to me that is when the magic began. People told me their stories and asked questions about my books and picked up my business card.

Being able to talk to people in person made me realize the power of that personal connection. I spoke to the representative of Bob Marley’s family who was considering using my children’s books in their stores. A cross-country coach said he would let me know if my running book would be something to purchase for his 58 runners. I spoke with the granddaughters of Ernie Andrus who is one of the oldest people to run across America. I give hugs and tissues at my booth but none of the connections would be possible without personal interaction.

I hope you will move your writing and yourself outside of your office and go talk to some people about what you have to say and maybe change some lives.

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The Moment My Students Taught Me About Beauty

Students Classroom Leakey, Texas, San by U.S. National Archives is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

Do you think you are beautiful? Most people would answer that question with a list of their imperfections. What makes it difficult to answer that question with a simple yes?

My Advanced Placement French class taught me some very important lessons about what beauty is, and how it varies with your race.

There were five girls in the class, and I had been teaching them for four years, so there was trust and connection in that room, but I had no idea how much they were about to reveal about themselves. The teacher was about to become the student.

The theme we were working on was beauty. Each student was working on a presentation about the definition of beauty. I had no idea that events would line up to create some very important moments.

One of the girls always wore beautiful wigs. She would flick her long hair and thwack the girl behind her in the face. One day, one of the other girls said to her , “You always look so beautiful with your hairstyles.” I replied, “I bet she would be beautiful even without her wigs.” I didn’t think anything else about my comment until the next class when the girl pulled off her wig and stuck it in her backpack in a defiant gesture. I had the impression it was a moment of freedom for her. She didn’t want to spend hours to make her hair look beautiful. She wanted to embrace her natural hair. Everyone told her how great she looked. That moment was beautiful, and I haven’t seen her wear a wig since.

Although that moment was special and showed me how we become slaves to a quest for beauty and how freeing it can be to embrace our natural beauty, this young lady had more lessons for me when she did her presentation.

When she started her presentation, she gave everyone a mirror and asked everyone to look in the mirror and describe what we saw. Everyone started pointing out the flaws we thought we had. The young lady commented that we are very hard on ourselves when it comes to our appearance. She then asked us to each mention a positive comment about our appearance. The positive comment was much harder than the negative one.

As we began to share our struggle with feeling good about our appearance, another young lady spoke about how difficult it was to be the only black girl in her middle school class. She didn’t look like the other girls. She couldn’t use the makeup they used, and her hair didn’t look like theirs. She felt ugly because she was different. The discussion about beauty and race progressed into a more profonde dive into the racial divide for girls.

The transparency and willingness to have a dialogue about so many important topics allowed us to learn from each other and help each other to understand each other’s challenges.

I was so honored to be part of a conversation that more people need to have. This was not the only time my students taught me more than I taught them, but it was one of the most memorable for me.

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Red Flags When Giving Advice

Do you ever have those moments when someone asks for your advice, and then you quickly realize they either were not ready for it, or weren’t really interested in hearing it?

I love to help people, and I will do what I can to help when asked, but there are several situations when I realize I cannot help someone. At every market when I vend my books, at least one person asks me for advice on how to start writing, get published, or be more successful.

They ask me in different ways. One young man came to my booth looking terrified. He said, “I want to be a writer, but I don’t know how, can you tell me what I should do?” I didn’t want to overwhelm him so I asked him a few questions, offered some action steps, and gave him my card so he could contact me if he needed help. I have not heard anything from him since. Sometimes you can give tons of advice, but if someone is too afraid to start, fear will block out your advice.

The second red flag that people raise is when they put up roadblocks on anything you suggest. A woman came to my booth and said, “So you self-published all these books?” There are two ways someone can ask about self-publishing. One way shows curiosity about your publishing journey. The other is saying self-publishing is your only option. The tone of her voice told me it was the latter. I said, “I self-published two of them, and the rest are published through a traditional publisher.” She then switched the attack to money. “You probably don’t make any money doing this.” I finally discovered that her daughter wanted to be a writer, but as her mother she was skeptical of the possibilities. She began to ask my advice, but for everything I said, she had a reason why it wouldn’t work. I felt sorry for her daughter because if writing is her passion, the major roadblock might be her mother.

Another example of a challenge maker/dream breaker was a man who asked me how to join the market because he had written some children books. I kept telling him that the woman in charge of the market was behind him and he could speak with her, but he was too busy telling me why it wouldn’t work, and he kept talking over me. By the time he was finished, the woman who could have helped him was gone.

The final red flag involves the excuse maker. When the excuses start flying, I stop talking because this person is not ready to receive help.

You probably have amazing advice to offer others but realize that some people can receive it and take actions for success, but others are not ready or interested in receiving the wisdom, so save your energy to use where it will do the most good.    

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Important Lessons Running Can Teach You

Important Lessons Running Can Teach You

I started running in college for weight maintenance. I had no idea what a major part it would play in my life. It has saved me in many ways and taught me valuable life lessons. Here are a few that I am grateful to running for teaching me.

What you think you could never do is possible. You just need the courage to do it. I have always enjoyed competing in races. I had done all the distances except for an ultra-marathon which is anything beyond the marathon distance of 26.2. A friend asked me if I would consider doing an ultra and I laughed and said that I thought running more than 26. 2 was crazy. I discovered I should never say never when another friend told me about an ultra her husband did. She said the atmosphere was very chill and I could stop whenever I wanted. I ran it and fell in love with the ultra-distance. I learned that to grow I needed to step outside my comfort zone.

Don’t compare yourself to others. This lesson took awhile for me to learn because I always wanted to be as fast as someone else, or as fit as another person, but everyone has strengths and weaknesses. You will be happier with more success if you focus on your improvements instead of trying to run or train like someone else. I now repeat the power phrase, “Run your own race.” When I am in a race to remind myself that there are many ways to run, and I need to do the one that fits my style.

Don’t judge a runner by the exterior. A lot of running depends on how much grit and heart someone has. Runners come in all shapes, sizes, and ages, and you never know which ones are going to crush the race. We go to a race every year where you complete as many one-mile loops as you can in 48 hours. Every year, one of the ladies reads a book while she walks. I heard two young men making fun of her, and I hope they checked the results after the race because she covered 102 miles! Every one has different ways to arrive at the goal.

Running is therapy. If you doubt this, go to any race and talk to the people around you. Most runners have a story and most of them are inspiring. At a recent ultra we were in hour 10 and I asked a young man how he was doing. He replied, “I am so glad to be here.” I thought to myself, “Oh, he has a story.” Unfortunately, I couldn’t keep up with him to hear it.

Runners use running to prove they are stronger than a challenge they face, or as an outlet to beat the challenge. It is a positive way to fight the mental roadblocks.

Rest is maintenance not laziness. I used to think I needed to train every day until I realized that my days off made me stronger. Rest should be a part of every program.

You are stronger than you think. Running has taught me how resilient the body can be. My ultra coach told me, “Jen, when you hit a wall, don’t give up. Sit down and let your body recover. You will come back stronger. It is amazing to see what you can do. Running allows you to keep pushing further.

Running teaches you about balance. Your best runs are when your mind and body are working together. If your mind believes you can achieve something, the body will follow. Running is a way for me to use my body to reset my mental health.

Runners are outstanding people. Creating community is one of the keys to living longer, and the running community is accepting and encouraging. Your social life will improve with running.

If you run, you are a real runner. I have heard that expression many times. What is a real runner? Everyone has a different concept of the answer to that question, so don’t worry about it. If you run, you are a runner.

Running helps you to know your body better. You learn so much about how your body works when you run. You will learn about how fast you can go, when you need to hydrate, what foods work best for you, and many other things.

Well, those are a few things I have learned while out running. What lessons has running taught you?

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The Warning Signs Your Body Sends

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

                                The Warning Signs Your Body Sends

Our bodies are amazing machines that are constantly repairing themselves. They often need our help, so they are sending us signals that things are going great or that something might be wrong. Many of the signs are easy to spot, but we are so busy we often miss them. Here are a few symptoms that are ways for your body to catch your attention.

  • Pain and discomfort are part of your body’s alarm system. The pain might be sharp, dull, burning, or pulsating, and it hints at different issues. A sore throat is often a precursor to something else. When I was run down, I would have a mild sore throat. It was my body’s warning system to slow down and take care of myself. When I did that, the sore throat would go away. If I ignored it and kept pushing, I would be sick within three days.
  •  Muscle aches could mean strain, overuse, dehydration, and illness.
  • A fever usually indicates that the body is fighting infection. Chills is your body trying to warm itself.
  • Changes in appetite, nausea, constipation, and diarrhea signals issues in your stomach that could be caused by certain foods, dehydration, and other factors.
  • Fatigue can mean your body is overworked, lacking nutrients, or dehydrated. Certain medications can cause fatigue.
  • Changes in heart rate can signal stress or heart or lung problems.
  • Cognitive changes including brain fog and mood swings can be from inflammation, infections, or allergies.
  • Frequent headaches can be from dehydration, stress, or eye strain.
  • Bad breath can be a sign of a gut imbalance.
  • Dry mouth can be from dehydration, medication, anxiety, and breathing through the mouth.
  • Bleeding gums can be caused by a vitamin c deficiency or gum disease.
  • Acne can be from a hormonal imbalance or excess sugar or dairy intake.
  • Yellow skin or eyes could be a liver or gall bladder problem.
  • Dry skin or eczema can be from dehydration or allergies.
  • Hair loss could be caused by hormonal imbalance, a thyroid, or iron deficiency.
  • Cold hands and feet can be from poor circulation, low thyroid function, or anemia.
  • Puffy eyes are a sign of water retention, allergies, poor sleep, or high salt intake.

All of these symptoms are only possibilities, and there are many more ways to describe what is happening in your body. You know yourself better than anyone else. If you feel as if something is not quite right, visit your doctor and take care of it. Also, remember that rest is a form of maintenance.

Some traits are signs that your body is in balance. Here are a few positive messages your body is sending.  

  • Clear, glowing skin can mean you are hydrating well, and your hormones are in balance.
  • Strong, shiny hair is a sign of adequate protein, and iron.
  • Smooth nails without ridges or spots is a sign of good minerals and vitamins in your body.
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How to Handle Holiday Stressors

How to Handle Holiday Stressors

The holidays should be a time we look forward to, but this time of the year comes with a fair amount of stress. The stressors can come together to create a perfect storm that can leave us tired. Here are a few of the stressors and some ideas to handle them.

The expectations. Whenever you bring a family together, you bring all their expectations with them. Be direct with the family and make a plan. Ask for the expectations. What does each person look forward to during the holidays? Who is hosting the party?  Divide the tasks so one person doesn’t end up doing all the work.

Hidden stressors. You can stress out enough worrying about planning, but there are stressors beyond that. What if certain members of the family don’t get along? The tension can be difficult to navigate. We might worry about how much money is being spent, or if the family will enjoy the festivities.

Go into the holidays hoping for the best. Worry is wasted energy, so don’t create bad scenarios that might not happen. Ask others to pitch in with expenses.

When chaos reigns. Children running through the house screaming, Aunt Olga who asks you again when you are having children, and Uncle Bart who always has five too many drinks can ruin any holiday. Be clear about the boundaries you want to create and have some help enforcing them.

I hope you find a way to handle the holiday stressors, and that your holidays are full of blessings.