Coping with control issues

Do you have someone in your life who has control issues? Control issues is a general term for when people seem overly focused on controlling situations around them. Control issues could stem from high anxiety, obsessive-compulsive symptoms, or other mental health conditions. Some people with control issues will attempt to micromanage every aspect of a situation. The choosing therapy website describes the characteristics of someone who can be overcontrolling.

Signs of control issues include:

• Self-centeredness
• Jealous
• Mood swings—upbeat one minute and upset or irritable the next
• Possessiveness
• Fear of being abandoned
• Sense of entitlement, self-importance, and little empathy and respect for others
• Unwillingness to accept responsibility or accountability for their actions
• Identify as the victim in arguments or disagreements

There are different levels of controlling behavior. If you are involved in a relationship that is toxic because of control issues, you are probably better off distancing yourself as much as you can from the person. I tend to be very naïve when it comes to people, and it took me over a year to realize that someone I considered my best friend was trying to control and manipulate me. My family kept trying to tell me, but I refused to listen until I could no longer deny it. My husband and my oldest daughter have some controlling tendencies, but their issues are not extreme. When someone you love is a controller, you may have to be creative with how you navigate the relationship. Here are a few thoughts that might help you.

It’s not about you

A controller believes that his way is the best way. It can be infuriating when someone changes something you have done or refuses to listen to your suggestions. It has nothing to do with your ability to do something and everything to do with his ability to see anyone’s worth but his. My husband believes that he is a master chef and that everyone else’s attempts at cooking are inferior. The only way he will allow someone else in our family to cook is if he can advise and help the person who is cooking. I thought for years that he didn’t like my cooking, but he only thinks his cooking is the best.

Pick your battles

If you look at the example, I just gave you can see why I win if I don’t say anything about his need to feel superior in the kitchen. I don’t have to plan meals or cook. I have extra time in my day. When you are dealing with a controller you will have to communicate what you do not want to be controlled, and communication is crucial.

Understand the issue

Although you assume that a controller thinks he knows how to do things better than anyone else, the controller is often fighting insecurity and low self-esteem. I have seen my husband’s mask slip to reveal a vulnerable individual who wants to feel needed.

Draw boundaries

I want to repeat what I said before there are different levels of control. Some controllers are dangerous, and you should avoid contact with people like that. Drawing boundaries with a toxic controller could cause problems. With someone like my husband, it has worked for me to communicate clearly with him what I consider excessive control. Both he and my daughter acknowledge their issues so that has helped.

Have support

Early in our relationship, I did not understand some of the things my husband did. I felt very alone, and I felt like I couldn’t do anything right because he was always fixing what I did. I told my family and that helped to know I had support.