Most of my writing is positive self help advice on running, parenting and life.
Author: jenbonn
I am a former French teacher who was in the classroom for 40 years. During that time, I was always trying to find time to write, and I now do it full-time while also tutoring in French. I am an avid runner and reader. Most of my writing is about running, writing, and positivity as well as self-help. I have five books, 101 Tips to Lighten Your Burden, What I Hope for You, A Grandmother's Wishes, Parker and Grandpa John, Parker John and Bandit, and The Healing Power of Running.
I have a feeling that most people have at least one person in their lives that could be classified as a narcissist. Do you know one? You need to be able to answer that question because interaction with a narcissist can be dangerous for many reasons, so first let’s define who this is and then talk about how they can affect your life and how you can survive a relationship with one.
The definition of a narcissist is a person who shows an excessive pattern of self-focus, need for admiration, and lack of empathy for others. Common traits include strong sense of superiority, (his way is the best way), constant need for praise or validation, difficulty accepting criticism, manipulative behavior, preoccupation with status, success, or power.
Common warning signs are constant criticism, belittling, or humiliation, being blamed for everything, making you question your judgment, controlling behavior, explosive anger, lack of empathy, and you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around the person.
There are many examples of a narcissist in action, but here is a good example. The narcissist has just spoken in anger. Here is the conversation that follows.
You: Why are you angry?
Narcissist: (Yelling) I’m not angry!
You: You are angry because you are yelling.
Narcissist: Well, It’s because you make me angry!
Chances are you didn’t do anything to make him angry, but the blame can never be accepted. You will also rarely ever receive an apology.
One of the complicated things about a relationship with a narcissist is that they can be extremely charming in public, so if you tell anyone about the emotional abuse you experience, they may think you are crazy. The expression is The life of the party, the devil at home. It is abuse though so you should speak up and receive help from someone you trust.
Leaving a relationship with a narcissist can be complicated for many reasons, but if you are ready to leave, set up support first. You can contact the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
My Skin Cancer Journey and Some Ideas to Navigate Yours
Are you worried about an unusual spot, or have you been struggling with skin cancer for a while? The first thing I would tell you is to go in to see your dermatologist on a regular basis whether you have suspicious spots or not. Better safe than sorry is an appropriate expression when it comes to checking for skin issues.
Let me quickly tell you about my skin cancer journey and then I will share what I have learned in the hope it will help you. The first time I went to a dermatologist I had a large, ugly looking mole on my side. The dermatologist took one look at it and looked at me and said, “This doesn’t look good. I think it might be melanoma.” I translated that into I was going to die. He took a biopsy and I went out and climbed into my car, told my husband and began sobbing. The biopsy came back as only a mole, but the dermatologist recommended I start coming in once a year. After that experience, I learned to wait to hear the result of a biopsy before working myself into a stress ball, and whatever the diagnosis is keep a positive attitude and keep moving forward.
The next thing I learned was even if you begin protective sun care which of course you should, the skin cancer that starts popping up is from earlier sun exposure. Please don’t put off seeing a dermatologist because you are afraid. Staying a step ahead of skin cancer is manageable, but your attitude is key.
In the last twenty years, I have had many Mohs surgeries, frequent visits to the dermatologist, many freezings with liquid nitrogen, and blue light therapies, so let me explain the treatments available to you that I know about. When you make your first appointment with a dermatologist, ask for a full body exam. If the dermatologist finds precancerous cells, he or she will use liquid nitrogen to freeze off the cells. If there is something more serious, the dermatologist will probably do a biopsy where a sample of the spot is taken and sent to the lab. If it comes back as more serious, the dermatologist might do a scrape and burn or suggest Mohs surgery where a surgeon cuts out the cancerous spot. There is also blue light therapy where you are exposed to an intense light that leaves you looking as if you have a bad sunburn. The top skin and the pre-cancerous cells will peel off during the next week. There is also laser therapy and chemo cream treatment. There are probably other treatments, but those are the ones I know about. Let me tell you how to navigate the ones I have experienced.
Liquid nitrogen freezing
This is only my experience, but this never hurts me unless it is on my face, so don’t be nervous about this. When you go home, you can put Vaseline on them or Polysporin. Keep your hands away and watch for infection. They usually form small blisters.
Biopsy
The dermatologist will numb the area then take a sample and send it to the lab. You need to keep the spot dry and bandaged for 24 hours.
Scrape and burn
The dermatologist will numb the area, scrape the spot and burn the area. It doesn’t hurt and I have never had discomfort after the procedure.
Mohs surgery
A Mohs surgeon will make a cut, take it to the lab and see if he has removed all the cancer. You usually wait an hour then the nurse will tell you if you are all clear or if another cut is necessary. Once you are clear, the dermatologist will stitch you up. My record which I hope to never replicate is five cuts. Bring snacks. The recovery for this is more intense. You will need to rest, and I believe you are not supposed to do exercise for a week. My dermatologist gave me a strong antibacterial ointment to treat the area. I have had several on my face which caused two black eyes and bruising on my nose. The nurse told me that eating pineapple helped with bruising and there is bruise cream.
Blue light therapy
With this therapy an acid is applied to your face then you wait for an hour and a half while the acid sets then you sit in front an intense light for 16 minutes. After that, you have to stay inside for 48 hours and for the next week you should wear sunscreen and a hat. There are certain creams to put on and you treat the area as if you have a bad sunburn.
Find a good dermatologist
I’m leaving you with the most important advice I can give you. It took me a while to find the right dermatologist. Having someone who is thorough, who listens to me and who I trust relieves my stress. Don’t be afraid to walk away from someone who is not a good fit.
I hope you do not have a skin cancer journey, but if you do I hope sharing mine has helped a bit.
I love checklists because it is a quick way to check what you are doing and remind yourself what you could do better. Here is one for you about your health. Which ones would be easy for you to do? Check off the ones you already do and make plans for incorporating others in your life.
Listen more than you talk.
You only have to listen to a few conversations to notice that most people don’t listen well. Instead of actively listening to what someone is saying, we often rush to interrupt and turn the light back to ourselves. The best way to learn more about people and situations is to rest in silence. Wait until someone is finished and then ask some questions for understanding.
Value the time and energy of yourself and others.
I will never be late to anything unless it is completely out of my control because showing up on time is a sign of respect. When you continually show up late you send a message that your time is more important than others and you are not responsible.
Protect your energy by deciding not to overreact to drama and respect other’s energy by not creating any drama.
Know you have options
There is always another choice, so never choose to be unhappy because you think you are locked into something. When something doesn’t work out, regroup and invent plan b.
Do what makes you feel good.
There is judgment everywhere. Don’t allow that to keep you from doing what you love. When someone gives you all the reasons you shouldn’t do something, as long as it is legal and safe, do it anyway.
Stop feeling guilty
Do you worry about whether you are doing and giving enough? Guilt will exhaust you, so do your best, have a good attitude, give your best effort ,find your joy, and let the rest go.
Be positive
It has been proven over and over that staying positive can make a difference for your health. Life can throw some nasty punches, but you always have a choice about how you react. If you can stay grateful and keep moving forward, it will make a difference.
Know your value.
Recently, my daughter had a meeting with someone she perceived as important. She said to me, “Mommy, she makes me so nervous.” I said, “Remember who you are. Walk into that meeting like a queen.” We sell ourselves short too often.
Don’t react before you reflect.
Emotions can overrule the head, so take a minute to breathe and reflect before you react. Sometimes there is a backstory you need to know, or you should ask for clarification before you assume anything.
Be mindful of your relationships.
Although there are times when I need to be away from people to recharge, I also know the importance of good relationships. Reach out to friends and family, give good people the gift of your time, build a loving community and don’t chase after people who don’t see your sparkle.
Practice self-care.
Taking care of yourself is not being selfish. When you take good care of yourself you are healthier, happier, and more productive. We can help others if we help each other first.
Stop explaining your no. Own your boundaries.
When you decide that something doesn’t fit what you enjoy doing realize that you don’t have to say more than no thank you. Don’t allow someone to guilt or shame you into doing something you will not enjoy. When I was doing karate, we began going to competitions, but it was each person’s choice whether to go or not. I asked my friend, Jan if she was going. When she said no she added, “When I’m not sure of something I ask myself how it makes me feel. If the answer is stressed, I don’t do it.” That’s probably a good way to decide.
Get rid of everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
Do a toxic purge. What are those things or people that stress you out? If it’s closet clutter, clean it out and donate it. If it’s social media, take a break. If you have haters in your social media friend list, it’s time to clean house. The feeling of throwing out your toxic trash is healing.
Be grateful. See blessings, not burdens.
I have issues like everyone else, but I also know I am incredibly blessed. When I start to have a pity party, I usually see someone who is struggling with so much more than I am. I also know that some people see a burden where others see a blessing. I remember when my children were little, I wished I could have some time to read, now my best day is when they come to visit.
Treat yourself with respect.
How do you talk to yourself? Do you tear yourself down and say you can’t do anything right? Switch that to speaking about yourself with kindness. Talk to yourself as if you are speaking to your best friend.
Expand your connections.
I decided I needed more good people in my community, so I started connecting with friends of friends that I valued and admired. I know the running community is full of extraordinary people, so I committed to going to at least one race a month to stay active with the running community. We all need a community, so build yours with people you enjoy.
Check in with yourself and others.
Take time to reflect on your situation. Are you happy? Are there changes you need to make? Check on friends and family to make sure they are not struggling silently. Be aware of the person who suddenly becomes unusually quiet.
Practice kindness.
Kindness will help you as much as it will help others. It feels good to help others and it often starts a domino effect. You do something kind and others follow your lead.
Drink water.
I have to confess that I don’t like water but I drink it because I know the benefits. Here are a few of those benefits. Water helps maintain body temperature, supports circulation, and keeps organs functioning properly. It boosts energy and focus. It supports digestion and improves physical performance.
Move.
If I could pick one thing that could make a huge difference, it would be movement. Regular movement supports physical health, mental health, and long-term quality of life. It builds and maintains muscles and bones. It boosts your mood and relieves stress. It can help with sleep, improves flexibility, and lowers the risk of some conditions. You can walk, stretch, dance, garden, strength train, ride a bike, or swim.
Eat clean.
Do your best to avoid highly processed food. Look at the list of ingredients. If the list is long and lists things you can’t even pronounce, you should consider choosing something else. Remember that the first thing on the list is the most used ingredient in the product.
Don’t compare yourself to others.
You might see perfection, but often that perfect exterior is hiding something ugly with burdens you don’t want to carry. Be grateful for the blessings you have.
Sleep well.
Sleep affects everything because it’s our body’s chance to recharge and recover. Sleep helps the brain process and store information. Poor sleep is linked to stress, anxiety, and depression. Sleep strengthens the immune system. Keep a consistent sleep schedule, limit screens before bed, avoid heavy meals or caffeine late at night. Keep the bedroom cool, dark, and quiet.
Allow yourself to rest.
Do you feel guilty if you are not being productive? Taking the time to slow down and rest can renew you mentally and physically.
Reduce the noise.
Put your phone down and disconnect completely. Social media comes with so many emotions and drama. Taking some time away from it can be healing. I love to watch the news, but some nights I choose quiet instead.
Learn to let go.
I have held onto some toxic situations and people way longer than I should have, but it taught me that letting go of something harmful is not giving up, it’s healthy.
It’s o.k. to not be o.k.
When you are struggling, ask for help. Pushing down your hurt or needs will only do more harm. Be transparent about your situation.
Don’t give up.
The difference between don’t give up and learn to let go is whether you are doing something you love and chasing the dream, or refusing to admit that something or someone is not good for you. I had a friend who was extremely toxic for me. Although my family kept telling me to walk away from her, I kept making excuses for what she did until the final betrayal when I realized I was chasing someone who was against me instead of for me. On the other hand, my journey in writing has not been easy and monetary success is not always within my grasp, but I will continue to do it because it is a passion for me.
Learn from failure.
Failure has a nasty sting, but it is a mighty teacher. We all have stories of failure, but if we walk away with a lesson that makes us better then it’s worth it. When something doesn’t work, do a reset and figure out how to do it another way.
Believe in yourself.
Self-doubt is a dream killer that only holds you back. Believe in yourself and keep stepping out of your comfort zone to grow. I love the quote that says something is only impossible until you do it.
Have a growth mindset.
It doesn’t matter if you don’t have all the knowledge you need at the moment. Say things to yourself like. “I don’t know how to do that…yet.” Give yourself grace and have the attitude that you will keep working on what you need to succeed.
Walk away from people who don’t see your value.
People can be exhausting, especially those who are self-absorbed and convinced that if you cannot add something to their lives then you don’t count. You are wonderfully made, so don’t waste your time trying to convince someone that you matter.
Make small goals, crush them, then make bigger ones.
When you make goals that are too big, you might end up frustrated if that goal becomes overwhelming. Break that big goal into smaller pieces and crush it piece by piece. You will gain confidence and motivation.
Most writers will tell you that making money as a writer is a struggle and it takes time and patience. You have to build an audience that trusts and supports you, you need to write consistently, and you need to find the platforms and marketing that works for you.
There are times when I feel like nothing I am doing is working financially and I question whether I should stop trying to prove to my family that I am pursuing writing as a financially viable career and not a hobby. Then I remember how much I love to write and how many people say my words have helped them, so I try to reinvent my strategy and try something different.
I have published 11 books, 5 children’s books, 2 self-helps, a running book, a romance, a teacher’s guide, and a travel guide to France. I have another children’s book and a writing book about to be released. I write on several different online platforms. I vend my books at the local craft markets as well, but all that activity has not earned me much money, so I am going to create some digital products and offer them on Patreon and Gumroad.
Digital products allow me to offer my writing to readers at an affordable cost. At the moment I have two books of encouragement and a travel guide to Paris. I will continue to put up products that will help with positivity, parenting, running, and travel. What would you like me to write about?
I hope you will take a look at the products that I have loaded at Gumroad.
Don’t you wish there was a foolproof guidebook for those tricky parenting moments? When I discovered I was pregnant, I read all the books and I thought I was ready, but I had no idea what a roller coaster experience I was going to have. I remember telling the doctor that I couldn’t get my daughter on a schedule. He tried not to laugh while he told me that babies make their own schedules. That was only the beginning of figuring everything out along the way.
Most days I thought I was doing a terrible job, I was terrified that my daughter would not survive my attempts at parenting, and I compared myself to those women who were impeccably dressed while I usually had spit up on my shoulder. Those women seemed to handle parenting with ease and elegance while I could barely remember my name as I stumbled around in a sleep deprived daze.
I wish someone would have given me a hug and told me it would be okay. I’m here to tell that today to anyone who needs to hear it. Here are five basic rules of parenting that will make your life easier.
United we stand and consistency. Children can smell the weak link a mile away, so if you are parenting with a partner work together not separately. Your child will try to play you against each other, so a united front is crucial. Decide together what consequences are appropriate and stick to that decision. This technique will continue no matter how old your child is. I’ll give you an example. My adult nephew came to stay with us while he went to school for his masters. The first night he came, he caused an uproar that was not acceptable for us. Before I went to talk to him, I went to my husband’s office to make sure we were on the same page. We both agreed on the consequences and when I went to talk to him, I threw in standing at his door in silence while giving him the stank look.
If you are a single parent, discipline the same way consistently, so your child knows
what to expect. When my children were younger, I rarely had to tell them what the
punishment was. They would say, “I know. I’m grounded.”
Teach them that actions have consequences. One of my hardest disciplinary decisions was when my daughter partied her way through her first year of college and ended up on academic probation. When she finished her fourth year, I told her I had promised to pay for four years, so she could pay for the fifth. She told me later that my decision had been a good lesson, but it was rough on my emotions.
Stay calm. This one was hard for me and I’m ashamed to say I did a lot of yelling, but eventually I realized that everything went much better when I was the calm in the eye of the storm. Instead of allowing your emotions to take over, take a deep breath, decide what you can control and let go of the rest.
Always have a plan b. If you asked me what qualities does a parent need to survive, I would say a good sense of humor, kindness, creativity, resiliency, and flexibility. There will be so many times when you have everything planned perfectly, and then you watch those plans all dissolve in chaos. Be ready to pivot!
Keep everyone fed and rested. I’m talking about you too. Parenting is hard work, so you need to be properly fueled. Carry snacks with you. Even during our last trip, my 39-year-old daughter said, “Mom, what do you have for snacks.”
Many people think that all you have to do to be a runner is run, and that is true, but there is more involved if you want to do it consistently, for a long time, and realize the many benefits that running can offer.
I first started running in college when my metabolism suddenly wasn’t burning the many late-night calories I was burning. As I ran around our beautiful campus, I realized that running brought me a sense of peace. It offered me quiet time to think and be creative. As I continued to run throughout my life it became my therapy, my safe place, and I know it saved me both mentally and physically. I became a running coach during my teaching career, and I loved watching how running helped the teenagers both as an activity and the community it involved.
I have always loved racing. I enjoy the competition both with myself and others. A race gives you a chance to see your improvements through your times, and other runners can push you to do better. Racing is also a social event. I always leave with new connections. When I am at the races I have a chance to hear people’s stories and so many tell me that the road to being a runner has not been easy, so for those of you who have always wanted to run but are not sure how to start, I’d love to share what I have learned during my relationship with running.
My first piece of advice is to ask yourself what you are hoping to gain from a running routine. It always helps your motivation if you know what your why is. Here are a few reasons for running I have heard, and of course yours might be completely different.
To lose weight to be more confident to learn about my body
To prove I am stronger than my challenges To push my limits
To meet new people to be healthier to spend time with family
To set some goals to relieve stress to have quiet time
To release some emotions
Add your why to the list If you don’t see it, and on those days when you want to stay home remember why you shouldn’t.
Next, I would tell you to prepare both mentally and physically. Check with your doctor to make sure you are fit enough, go to your local running store and have them test you for what type of shoe is best for you, and find some comfortable clothes to run in. Prepare yourself mentally by practicing positive self-talk. Have a growth mentality and be ready to improve gradually. You will have good days and bad days, just do your best.
Running is personal and there are many times when you can do it your way. You can break some rules, but there are a few universal ones that you should stick to at least at first.
Don’t do too much too fast. Adding 10% of distance at a time is a standard benchmark.
Don’t start too fast. Learn to find a pace that allows you to cover a distance.
Stay hydrated.
When you start doing longer runs, eat something every hour.
Use electrolytes. I can tell a few ugly stories that will prove how important this is.
When you first start running, relax your shoulders, focus on your breathing, and hold your hands loosely by your side.
I hope this will be enough to help get you started as a runner.
I would love to think my family and friends would always be my biggest cheerleaders, but that hasn’t been the case. It took me a while to realize there are all sorts of reasons and emotions behind this.
Your success might make some people uncomfortable whether it’s because of jealousy or insecurity, these people don’t want to experience your excitement. The worse case is when someone close to you feels the need to attack your dreams. This might be done through verbal jabs or questioning what you are doing on your path to success. Don’t allow those arrows to hit the mark. They are coming from someone to insecure to support you. Keep moving forward towards fulfilling what you love to do.
Here are a few things to do on your journey to success.
Find your cheerleaders. I have several friends who are always there to convince me I am on the right path. They want to see me succeed as much as I want the same for them. Your cheerleaders might not be actual family, but they will lift you up as if they were.
Ignore the doubters with their negativity. When you are doubting yourself, it doesn’t help when others start questioning your dreams. As a writer, I have not discovered how to kill it financially, so I fend off questions like, “Why are you doing this?”, “This is just a hobby, right?” Those questions are not helpful, so ignore them and carry on. I had to speak up when a family member had thrown too many barbs. I said, “I need you to stop talking to me that way. I have written 12 books. I just haven’t figured out how to market them yet.” He was very surprised and apologized.
Know who you can share your dreams with. Many people close to you don’t care about your dreams even though if they care about you, they should also care about your dreams. There are also people who will be interested in your journey and who will ask questions about your dreams. There was a gymnast whose father told him not to talk about the great things he was going to do. Instead, he should just do them.
Use the haters as fuel for motivation. I asked a family member a question about filling out my monthly taxes and he asked me why they would care about receiving such a small amount. It was asked with a dose of hatefulness, and at that moment I decided to work harder on selling my books to prove my ability to this person. Prove the haters wrong.
If you are passionate about something you should continue doing it even when you feel alone in your pursuit.
Shallow travel is when you travel to check off the boxes for what the guidebooks say you should do, or you only travel for Instagram moments. The better alternative is experiential travel where your experience goes deeper and leaves you with better memories.
I was a French teacher for forty years and took twenty student trips to France. I always included trips to major attractions, and although students were interested in seeing them, they enjoyed the experiences and connections more. When we went to Brittany, we went to the swimming pool and the high dive that had been set up in the ocean at St. Malo. I will never forget how happy they were. They kept trying to get me to jump off the high dive, and I almost did until one girl yelled, “Look, a jellyfish!” It was a superhuman effort to get them to leave to get ready for dinner. There were times when our students met with French students and had a chance to talk with each other. The students came home with a greater understanding of the culture they had visited.
Trying to do too much at once when you travel can also lead to shallow travel. When you pack too much into a day the experience is more about running to the next spot than it is about investigating what you see with any depth. Pick one activity and truly enjoy it, and don’t forget that part of the experience is to enjoy the food and drink while watching the locals.
Travel for me is more about what I experience and the connections I make than it is about what I see. I want to talk to people and learn the culture of a place through the people who live there. We took a family beach trip to Cape Coral, Florida and I was surprised by what we found. It seemed to me that all the inhabitants were from New York, and they had brought their culture with them. Most of the restaurants were Italian or New York style pizza. Everyone was warm and welcoming, and the atmosphere was laid back. We enjoyed without having to do much of anything.
Now that I’m retired, we travel to France several times a year to France with my family. We like to explore areas and new towns. We make new connections every time we go, and we reconnect with new friends. We want to experience the culture like a local and dive deeper into local life.
I hope you will consider traveling for all the right reasons, but don’t only go for the Instagram photo.
Jennifer’s writing 