Manipulative personalities

Have you ever known someone who presented herself a certain way, but revealed a completely different personality to a select few? I have had several relationships where this has happened, and I had to keep asking myself if it was just me. Was I being too harsh or too sensitive, but ultimately, there was too much evidence in each case that proved I was dealing with someone who was a master manipulator with people. I will give you several examples in the hopes that if you are in a similar situation, you will realize what is happening, and then I will give you a few ideas of what worked for me to deal with this type of relationship.

Abigail Brenner M.D. writes in her article, 9 Classic Strategies of Manipulative People, for Psychology Today, “Manipulative people have mastered the art of deception. They may appear respectable and sincere but often that’s just a facade; it’s a way to draw you in and ensnare you in a relationship before they show their true colors. Manipulative people are really not interested in you except as a vehicle to allow them to gain control so that you become an unwilling participant in their plans. Manipulative people can play the victim, making you seem to be the one who caused a problem that they began but won’t take responsibility for. They can be passive-aggressive or nice one minute and standoffish the next, to keep you guessing and to prey on your fears and insecurities. They often make you defensive. They can also be extremely aggressive and vicious, resorting to personal attacks and criticism, and dogged in their pursuit of getting what they want. They bully and threaten, and won’t let up or let go until they wear you down.”

I have a family member who has struggled with addiction for years. He can sink into dark moods, and be unpleasant to be around, but when he is in a social setting, he becomes the life of the party, and everyone loves him. I cannot count the number of people who have told me what an amazing person he is, and how funny he is. I think situations like this happen a lot where someone paints a pretty picture of his persona, but the reality is much darker.

I had a friend who I loved being around. She was always full of energy, and laughter. Unfortunately, as we became closer, she also showed a darker side of herself. She was very competitive, and she was determined to have what she wanted no matter who she hurt. She did some things that hurt me badly. I don’t think I have ever known anyone who was more self-absorbed. My family saw her true personality before I did. When I finally walked away from our relationship, it took me a long time to recover from the hurt.

Manipulative people never think someone can do something as well as they can. They like to place blame on others and talk behind others’ backs. Realize that they are talking about you as well. They are relentless about fulfilling their needs no matter who they hurt. They see nothing wrong with their actions, and they enjoy creating scenarios for intrigue, rivalry, and jealousy. They will try to make you feel less than and guilty. They are adult bullies.

It can be difficult when you see people receive accolades who you know are hateful to others, and can be charming in public, but not really have the leadership qualities that people think they have.

Here is my advice. Distance yourself as much as possible from people like this, the situation will not end well for you. Do not talk badly about them to make others see the truth because it will make you look like the hateful one. Realize that eventually, the mask will fall, and the true personality will come through. Don’t engage in conflict with them because it isn’t worth your energy. Surround yourself with genuine people. Believe in yourself and your worth, and see their actions for the power play they are.