A Mom’s Guilt

A Mom’s Guilt

Mom guilt occurs when a mom does not feel she is doing enough as a parent, or that she isn’t doing something correctly. Moms can face a double-edged sword where no matter what they do, they will be criticized. There are many triggers for mom guilt including thoughts about whether a child is being properly cared for, should a mom stay home, or work, breastfeed or use formula, how to discipline, how much screen time is appropriate, what is good nutrition, and the list continues. While handling all those areas and more, a mother is supposed to find balance in her life, but what she usually finds is total chaos. Mom guilt added to the normal fatigue of parenting is obviously not good for either your mental or physical health, but what can you do? Here are a few ideas to cope with the guilt.

Make a list

List the things that make you feel guilty. Sometimes making a list can make things seem more manageable. Seeing a list will help you stay focused, and a list will help calm your anxiety. Decide if there is any validity in your feeling of guilt for each of the items on your list. Is your child showing signs of being adversely affected by it? Is there anything that will make you feel better about each situation?

Identify the source of the guilt.

Why are you feeling guilty? Reflect on that question with curiosity instead of blame. Is the guilt warranted? What led to the mistake? What would you do differently now? What did you learn? Answering this question will help you to reflect on the guilt you are feeling. Before you can eliminate the guilt, you have to acknowledge it and examine it.

Journal

Writing about your feelings is a healthy form of self-expression and it can help you identify when and why you feel guilty. Journaling helps you to organize your thoughts, allow yourself to self-reflect, and relieve stress. Writing helps us to confront emotions and events. It can make us more self-aware and can make it easier to track our thinking process. It helps us to put things in perspective.

Avoid comparisons

We all wish we could look effortlessly put together, but the average mom is sleep deprived, isn’t sure her makeup is on and is dreaming about losing a few pounds. You will meet the mom who had a baby a week ago and looks like she could rock a bikini or the entrepreneur who seems capable of juggling five things at once and being a supermom. Everyone has something we wished we had, but we don’t see what they have that we would not want. Count your blessings, realize that imperfection is much more interesting and easier to maintain, and don’t waste time wishing you were like someone else when you don’t know what darkness might be below the surface. Be the most glorious version of you that you can be.

Filter the noise

Mom guilt usually comes from other moms. When moms question another mom’s decisions about parenting or offer unasked-for advice, it can cause mom guilt. Imagine if you have been breastfeeding for nine months and someone asks you when you are going to stop and then comments how odd it seems when a woman breastfeeds beyond a year. Breastfeeding is one of many personal decisions that a woman seems to have to defend. At least one person will ask you how you know if your baby is getting enough milk and carrying on activities in public and especially at work can make you wonder if you made the right decision. You will also hear all kinds of crazy advice for your child’s entire life. When people offer comments or advice, all you have to say is, “I appreciate your opinion, but this is what works for us.” If they continue to push back, you can add, “I hope you will respect our choice.”

The other noise you will hear is the moms who constantly brag about their perfect children. There is nothing wrong with celebrating your children, but when it is excessive and the parents also add that their children are the way they are because of their amazing parenting style and then go on to judge other parenting styles, problems can arise. Many parents are good at painting glossy images of perfect children but if you pull back the layers, there are usually quite a few imperfections, so don’t worry if your child isn’t bringing home all the awards.

Trust your instincts

A mom’s instinct is a real thing. If you trust your gut in a situation that requires a decision, you will usually find that you made the right choice. I can always tell if my children have a fever by feeling their forehead, but my husband says he is never sure. He thinks I have magical powers. Do what you know is the right choice not necessarily what will be the popular choice. If guilt slips in because the decision makes your children unhappy, feel confident that you made a choice for their best interests.

Listen to your children (In moderation)

Your children will let you know if you are doing a good job. We started taking our children to restaurants when they were tiny, and we taught them how to behave. When they were older, they would see a child misbehaving, shake their heads, and say, “That child does not know how to act in a restaurant.”

I always loved when they would acknowledge when they had done something wrong and tell me the punishment before I could open my mouth to pronounce the sentence. They knew the boundaries and the consequences.

Your children will also try to play you which is why I said listen in moderation. If they criticize you for something you know you do not do, let it go and carry on without letting any guilt take hold.

Let some things go.

You do not have to have a spotless house, well-groomed animals, and a perfectly manicured lawn to be a good parent. Life can be chaotic, so when you have a lot going on, it’s o.k. to let something go.

Practice self-care

Moms often feel guilty about taking time for themselves, but you will be better able to take care of others if you take care of yourself. Think of the safety procedures in an airplane. When the oxygen mask falls, you are instructed to put it over your face first and then your child’s because you need to be capable of helping him.

Give yourself grace

You are doing one of the hardest, most important, most frustrating, rewarding jobs there is and you are going to make mistakes. If you approach parenting with love and good intentions, you are doing fine. Accept that not all your decisions will be perfect and that you will have some moments you might want to forget, but you will get back up and try again.

Surround yourself with the right people.

Everyone needs a support system. Find people who have the same values and who will laugh with you when things get messy. Listen to valued sources of information and separate yourself from negative people.

Ask for help

Find the support you need whether it is to find someone to babysit your child or find some resources for mental health. Parenting is overwhelming, so ask for help when you need it.

Here are some resources to help moms. Screamin Mamas is a magazine for moms of all ages. You can read it on their website at https://screaminmamas.wixsite.com/screaminmamas

Here are some great websites. https://infoaboutkids.org/, https://www.apa.org/topics/parenting/resilience-tip-tool, https://kidsactivitiesblog.com/62777/going-back-to-work-staying-home

https://happyyouhappyfamily.com/stop-feeling-overwhelmed/

https://www.mothermag.com/resources-for-parents/

https://biglifejournal.com/blogs/blog/growth-mindset-resources?epik=dj0yJnU9S0xPQ3ZEVmFLNF82VEJfOF9TRFlYeTJzUUczOWRtN1QmcD0wJm49MnZMeFFIamRiTFhua0FSMzNQRzBHdyZ0PUFBQUFBR0ZUc0Q0&utm_source=pinterest&utm_medium=social

 

If you are looking for activities and educational support, you can go to www.abcteach.com

Use affirmations for yourself and others

Tell moms you know that they are doing a great job and give yourself applause when you know you are winning as a parent. When you need a lift, use some of the following affirmations to remind yourself how wonderful you are.

I matter. I am worthy of good things. I am strong. I am loved. I am a good parent.

Remember It’s not always your fault when your child does something wrong. As you do your best to be a good parent, you will make mistakes, learn from them, give yourself grace, and do what is right for your family.