Do you allow toxic thoughts to slip in that tell you what a mess you are and how broken you have become? First, let me assure you that you are not the only one to have those thoughts, but they can cause us harm, but there are ways to turn those thoughts around because your mess and your brokenness are all a matter of perception, so here are a few things to remember, and some action steps to take to go from feeling broken to glorious.
Change your thinking. One of the reasons I wrote this article was because I was lying in bed this morning thinking that I really was a mess then I started to argue with myself by finding a few positives about my messy self. I know I am not the only one to struggle with staying positive about myself. Our mind rules the day, so if we can control how we think, we can change a lot. Switch any negative thoughts to positives and see the difference it makes. Tell yourself you are pretty darn wonderful until you believe it yourself.
List the good things. What are your best qualities? Are you kind? Loyal? Easy to be with? Make a list.
What have your scars and failures done for you? I am a true believer that the more you fail, the more you learn, and sometimes those failures leave mental and physical scars. I have the most scars from parenting, teaching, and karate. Parenting taught me unconditional love, forgiveness and the importance of boundaries, teaching taught me the importance of relationships, and karate taught me that I should never give up because persistence pays off, I should recognize toxic behavior sooner, and just because someone is the person in charge doesn’t mean he should be. If you never fail you will miss out on some valuable lessons.
What are your most glorious stories? Think about those times when you triumphed and it felt glorious. Write them down and relive that feeling. The first one that came to mind for me was when I was an advocate for my oldest daughter. She had started to go to the special education class during reading time because she was below reading level. She started to tell me that the teacher was yelling at them. I told her that a teacher should never yell, but maybe she had a bad day. Then, she came home and told me the teacher called her a liar. I arranged a meeting for the next day, and I made sure the teacher knew what I thought about her methods.
Keep rising up and bring someone with you. It doesn’t matter how many times you mess up. You have a fresh start every day. Hold yourself together with a sense of humor and a refusal to quit. When you figure something out, share the secret with someone else.
Be happy with who you are. I have been a people pleaser most of my life then suddenly I decided I needed to draw some boundaries to protect my peace. I’m happy with who I am and I’m not going to beg someone to be my friend. Don’t worry what others think of you. Deflect the arrows of the people who think they know what is best for you.
I hope these ideas help you to turn the thoughts around to see how glorious you are!
Don’t you wish you could just write and watch your writing sell itself? We all find out quickly that if we can’t find a way for people to notice our work, our writing will sit there and molder, but what if I told you marketing can be fun?
I thought marketing was something I did with newsletters and my blog which meant I could continue to interact through my writing, but I discovered that the best marketing is much more personal and it requires you to find the type of connection that will work for you.
When I first started writing I was terrible at marketing. I listened to the advice that said go out in your community, and make contacts and connections, but I always felt so awkward. My friend worked at an assisted living facility, and she asked me to vend my books there. I was sure the other vendors would know I was new at this, so instead of trying to act like I knew what I was doing, I confessed I was a newbie and I asked questions. I learned so much that day and each event I did after that felt more comfortable.
I contacted local bookstores and asked if I could come in and do a signing. More than once, I was the only one in the room, so that was demoralizing. I was asked to do a reading. There were six children and their parents and after it was over my friend asked me if I would do it again and my reply was, “Not if I can avoid it.” I felt so uncomfortable. After that day I decided I needed to come up with a different plan, so I applied to vend at a local craft market. I had no idea that the experience would change everything.
The first time I showed up to vend, I had a small table with my books set up. Several weeks later my husband had made some small displays and every week I tried to improve the presentation. I quickly discovered that I had found my favorite form of marketing because I could interact with people while I talked to them about my books and played with their dogs and children. I gave out treats to dogs and butterfly stickers to children and when they started to talk to me that is when the magic began. People told me their stories and asked questions about my books and picked up my business card.
Being able to talk to people in person made me realize the power of that personal connection. I spoke to the representative of Bob Marley’s family who was considering using my children’s books in their stores. A cross-country coach said he would let me know if my running book would be something to purchase for his 58 runners. I spoke with the granddaughters of Ernie Andrus who is one of the oldest people to run across America. I give hugs and tissues at my booth but none of the connections would be possible without personal interaction.
I hope you will move your writing and yourself outside of your office and go talk to some people about what you have to say and maybe change some lives.
Do you ever have those moments when someone asks for your advice, and then you quickly realize they either were not ready for it, or weren’t really interested in hearing it?
I love to help people, and I will do what I can to help when asked, but there are several situations when I realize I cannot help someone. At every market when I vend my books, at least one person asks me for advice on how to start writing, get published, or be more successful.
They ask me in different ways. One young man came to my booth looking terrified. He said, “I want to be a writer, but I don’t know how, can you tell me what I should do?” I didn’t want to overwhelm him so I asked him a few questions, offered some action steps, and gave him my card so he could contact me if he needed help. I have not heard anything from him since. Sometimes you can give tons of advice, but if someone is too afraid to start, fear will block out your advice.
The second red flag that people raise is when they put up roadblocks on anything you suggest. A woman came to my booth and said, “So you self-published all these books?” There are two ways someone can ask about self-publishing. One way shows curiosity about your publishing journey. The other is saying self-publishing is your only option. The tone of her voice told me it was the latter. I said, “I self-published two of them, and the rest are published through a traditional publisher.” She then switched the attack to money. “You probably don’t make any money doing this.” I finally discovered that her daughter wanted to be a writer, but as her mother she was skeptical of the possibilities. She began to ask my advice, but for everything I said, she had a reason why it wouldn’t work. I felt sorry for her daughter because if writing is her passion, the major roadblock might be her mother.
Another example of a challenge maker/dream breaker was a man who asked me how to join the market because he had written some children books. I kept telling him that the woman in charge of the market was behind him and he could speak with her, but he was too busy telling me why it wouldn’t work, and he kept talking over me. By the time he was finished, the woman who could have helped him was gone.
The final red flag involves the excuse maker. When the excuses start flying, I stop talking because this person is not ready to receive help.
You probably have amazing advice to offer others but realize that some people can receive it and take actions for success, but others are not ready or interested in receiving the wisdom, so save your energy to use where it will do the most good.
You know all the struggles you have experienced, or those issues life has thrown your way that you are afraid to reveal? Being transparent about them could help a lot of people who are dealing with similar things. It makes them realize there is hope, and it helps them feel less alone. Your transparency will also help you know that many others are dealing with burdens just like yours.
I don’t usually post about my mental struggles because I don’t want to burden anyone, but a recent experience taught me how wrong I was. Three years ago, I had my first A-fib episode (irregular heartbeat). After many tests and a short time taking a beta blocker, I went two years without any episodes. Unfortunately, the episodes started again recently and became more frequent. I had to go back to my cardiologist, who prescribed a stronger medication and did more heart tests. On top of that, I received a call from my dermatologist saying that I needed another Mohs surgery on my face for skin cancer. It will be the third one in several months. At the same time, I managed to tear my meniscus, and as an avid runner, I know that means I cannot run until it heals. Throw a few personal struggles in, and I had the perfect storm.
I reached out on social media and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. The posts of love and positivity were wonderful, but there was another outcome to my post that made me realize it was the right thing to do. Friends started texting and calling to tell me about struggles they were also experiencing. They had been holding their feelings inside because they were afraid of judgment. They told me they were glad to be able to share with someone.
We often think we are the only ones experiencing something, and we wonder why we cannot find a solution. When we see someone else whom we admire fighting the same battle, it eases our feelings of inadequacy.
When you share your journey, you might have some insight from your experience that could help someone else. You could be much much-needed inspiration.
So you want to be a writer? 5 steps to make it happen.
I have published 9 books, and I sell them at our local craft market. I love interacting with all the people who stop by, and there is always at least one person who asks me about how to be a writer. Here are the 5 basic steps that I tell them.
Every book or article needs a why. Your why is your goal and your motivation. Your why will keep you writing when you start to question your ability to write, and whether the time you are devoting to the task is wasted effort.
I have four children’s books. I wrote them to be a legacy for my grandson, Parker. I want him to look back on the books and realize how loved he was. My husband loves it because not many children can say they have four children’s books about them when they present at show and tell.
My why for my self-help books was because of all the need and hurt I see around me. I wanted to write something that offered comfort and encouragement.
What is your plan? Your plan is your how. How will you take your ideas and put them on paper? There isn’t a right or wrong way to do this. My dad used to have a recorder in his car, and he would record any thoughts he had when he wasn’t where he could write them down. I usually use a whiteboard to write down my ideas and a loose outline.
Research what you need to know about different genres. I had no idea how to write a children’s book, so I asked my publisher questions, and he guided me through the first one.
Who will publish your writing? There are several different ways to publish. A traditional publisher will help guide you through edits and will publish the book. Some traditional publishers will pay you while others only give you royalties from what you sell. Others are print on demand. Be careful of vanity publishers. These are publishers who ask for payment to publish. Self-publishing is another option, and one spot to do that is through Amazon’s KDP program.
What is your marketing plan? After you publish your book, you have to encourage people to buy it. You can use social media and sell at local craft markets.
Stay mental. This is probably the most important part because if you do not believe in your writing, you will not finish anything. Just do it!
I hope these ideas help you to begin your journey as a writer. If writing is something you are passionate about, you should do it.
If you are a person of a certain age, you remember life before cell phones. We used landlines to call people, we used maps to navigate highways, and texting didn’t exist. We went to the theater to watch movies, and television was only viewed on a television.
When portable phones appeared, all of that changed, but it changed gradually, seeping into our lives, making things more convenient, and we saw all the benefits. Unfortunately, there is a dark side to cell phones in our lives. They have become everything to us, to the point that we cannot imagine leaving home without our phones. They have slipped into our lives, and they control us to a certain point. Here are 5 reasons why our phones control us.
Your phone knows you. Your phone is always collecting data about you. How many times have you had a conversation with someone, and after that conversation, videos and articles start to appear around what was said?
I also notice that when I browse online, whatever I was looking at suddenly pops up all over my feed.
Your phone finds out your interests and your likes and uses that knowledge to keep you interested.
It gives you what you want. I argued with my daughter, and suddenly the reels on social media were all about having issues with family members. It was as if my phone was giving me validation that I wasn’t at fault in the argument.
Because it knows so much about you, your phone provides you with the videos, music, and ads you want.
Your phone isolates you. Have you ever seen a family at a restaurant where everyone is on their phone instead of engaging in conversation? It is an escape, but it is also isolation because you are interacting with a machine instead of people.
It becomes indispensable. I was in the car on my way to an appointment when I realized I didn’t have my phone. I panicked. What would happen if I had an accident? What would I do to amuse myself while waiting for the appointment? We rely on our phones for almost everything.
It leaves you wanting more. Have you ever been watching videos and realized it’s late, but you tell yourself you will watch just one more, then one more? How long can you go without looking at your phone?
Most of us can agree that our phone controls us, but our phones have become a toxic convenience, so how do we draw healthy boundaries about how much time we spend on our phones?
Everyone includes major monuments like the Louvre and the Eiffel Tower on their Paris itinerary. Still, if you don’t go into a pharmacy while you are there, you will miss out on an extraordinary experience. We don’t have anything like French pharmacies in the United States, but I wish we did. Let me explain what they are like by describing why you should visit them.
You can receive the care you would receive at a doctor’s office without paying an office fee or needing a prescription for minor ailments. Traveling can be rough because you can’t travel with all the cures you use for small issues like a sore throat, allergic reaction, cold, or bug bite. You can go into a pharmacy, consult with the pharmacist, and receive the necessary medication at a reasonable price.
Here are a few stories I have experienced at pharmacies. For about a year, I kept having allergic reactions to something, but I couldn’t figure out what was causing it. I was in France with a student group, and I took a girl who had never had a crepe to one of the best crepe stands. We both bought enormous chocolate and banana crepes and ate every bite. A few minutes later, I was walking back with my daughter to our friend’s apartment when I said to my daughter that my legs were burning. I pulled up my white pants and saw that my legs were crimson. I was having an allergic reaction to the hazelnuts in the chocolate. My friend rushed me to the pharmacy. Let me tell you that a Frenchman driving in a hurry is a scary experience! When we arrived, I showed the lady my leg and said I was reacting to nuts. She turned around, grabbed a package from the shelf, and said, “Take one of these right now!” The reaction was gone in a day.
I often become ill after being on the plane. I am a germ magnet. On one trip with my family, I felt awful, but I was trying to soldier on. At night, I would start coughing, so I went to the pharmacy, explained my situation, and the pharmacist gave me cough drops and syrup. The syrup was like Nyquil on steroids. My husband said he shook me once to make sure I was okay, and I didn’t move. French medicine is strong.
The best story was when we entered a small pharmacy because my daughter had asked me to buy some skin care. The pharmacist was tending to a young woman who was having horrible cramps from her period. They were so bad that she was nauseous and couldn’t stand up. The pharmacist had her in the back with a hot water bottle on her stomach, and she was treating her as if it were her daughter. She even called the woman’s boss and told her she wasn’t capable of working.
Most pharmacists are capable of helping you with skin care, makeup, and health issues. My favorite place to receive the best advice is at Forum les Halles. Employees are circulating, asking if you need help, and they sincerely want to help. They also are not trying to push products on you. I had some moisturizer of a product I like. The woman helping me told me it wasn’t for my skin type and put it back on the shelf. During our last visit, we asked a woman about gut health, and she gave us a product that she said was amazing. I just started taking it, so I’ll let you know.
The prices are often half of what we pay in the States. Several years ago, a dermatologist recommended a cream to me called Cicalfate. It is a repair cream. It usually costs between $26-$28 here, but it costs $13 in France. The woman in the pharmacy said that every household needed to have that cream.
The staff is so caring. I always feel like my mom is fussing over me, and when I don’t feel good, some extra love helps.
You discover some great products.
I hope you have a chance to explore the pharmacies. Wherever you see a large green cross, that designates a pharmacy. Don’t be afraid to go in and ask questions.
Emily and Aunt Tilly were enjoying breakfast the next day when Aunt Tilly told Emily about the trip to the country the Duchess had mentioned. The duke was hosting a dinner and soirée Saturday night. Emily and Aunt Tilly spent the rest of the meal discussing preparations, then Emily rose and told Aunt Tilly She and Sophie were going to pay a call on the countess and her granddaughter that afternoon.
“Oh, Countess Clifton! I have always liked her. Her husband died several years ago leaving her a very wealthy woman. I do not believe her marriage was a love match, but adversity can make a person stronger, and she is certainly no one’s fool. She and your mother were good friends. Give her my regards.”
“I will Aunt Tilly. What will you do for the rest of the day?”
“I am going to find a very boring book and read it in a comfortable chair near the fire.”
Emily knew that meant her aunt would be taking a very long nap.
Sophie came by to pick Emily up in the ducal carriage and they rode the short distance to Countess Clifton’s house.
The London house of the countess was charming and imposing at the same time. It was elegant and looming, but the flowers blooming in the side garden softened the general appearance.
They were greeted by a butler named Watson. Both girls liked him immediately. He had a twinkle in his eyes and a brilliant smile.
“Good afternoon, ladies. Lady Virginia and the Countess are in the family parlor waiting for you. I will make sure tea is ready.”
Watson showed them down the hall and opened the door to the family parlor. Countess and Lady Virginia, Lady Sophie and Lady Emily are here to call on you.”
The countess turned. “Thank you, Watson. Please come in Lady Sophie and Lady Emily.”
Emily couldn’t hide her expression as she looked at possibly the most beautiful room she had ever seen. There were roses in every color which added an explosion of color to the room. The drapes were light and airy, the carpet begged you to walk barefoot on it, and the sofas looked perfect for curling up with a good book. The overall effect was very feminine and inviting.
The tea tray arrived, and Virginia poured for them. They spoke for a few moments about the weather and all the other polite bits of conversation that was expected of them. Emily then turned to Virginia. “Lady Virginia, I hope you don’t mind me asking about a comment you made after saving me from Lord Crowell. When I said I didn’t know why Lord Crowell was interested in me you seemed surprised that I would say that. Can you explain to me what you meant?”
Virginia turned a slight rose color. “My grandmother knows all the greatest gossips of the ton and they are saying Lord Crowell’s father is tired of his son spending his allowance on women and gambling. He gave him an ultimatum. Lord Crowell has 6 months to marry well and change his ways, or his father will cut him out of his will. Lord Crowell has decided you would be the perfect bride.”
“Lady Virginia, I’m not the perfect bride for anyone. I depend on my elderly aunt with whom I live, and I am not the elegant socialite that most men prefer.”
It was Lady Virginia’s turn to look perplexed. “Your aunt is wealthy; you own Rose Gate which provides even more wealth. You are also the God daughter of the duke and duchess. Either your aunt or the duke will surely provide you with a substantial dowry.”
The countess added, “Lord Crowell is spreading rumors saying you seduced him in the garden last year. He is hoping the scandal will force you to marry him. We all know how easy it is to ruin a lady. If he continues to spread rumors, you may have to marry to avoid scandal.”
Emily stared at the countess as she absorbed this revelation. Sophie reached out and held her hand.
The countess continued. “I don’t think a marriage to avoid scandal has to be with Lord Crowell, but you might be pressured to marry someone. Of course, I don’t think the duke has heard the rumors, and we all know how fiercely he defends his family. He may be able to convince Lord Crowell to stop spreading vicious gossip.”
The countess turned fully to Emily. “Lady Emily, I’m afraid there is more, but it is mere speculation. Even so, I think you should know what is being said.”
“Please continue Countess. I would like to hear what you have to say.”
“When your parents died, your cousin came to the solicitors with proof that your father owed him serious gambling debts. It was a significant amount that took all of your parents’ fortune. You would have lost your holdings of Rose Gate and your London house, but your Aunt Tilley had enough money to pay the rest of the debt. Your brother Henry remains the heir to those estates. The odd thing was that no one knew your father ever gambled. There were questions among the ton about the validity of the vowels your cousin produced.”
Emily was pale. “My Aunt never told me. I know she wanted to protect me. Thank you, Countess and Lady Virginia. I appreciate you telling me all of this.”
The countess smiled and continued, “Both your parents were well loved by their friends. They were good, honest people, and I believe you also inherited those traits. If Virginia and I can assist you in any way, please let us know. Be careful Emily. We believe Lord Crowell will stop at nothing to make you marry him. If he can compromise you, it would ruin you and give you no option but to marry him. I would avoid him at all costs.”
Emily sighed, “I will try, but he seems to appear when I least expect it.”
Lady Virginia squared her shoulders and exclaimed, “Don’t underestimate the power of your friends to interfere with Lord Crowell’s plans. I assure you it will be our pleasure. He is a hideous man.”
“Thank you, Lady Virginia. I truly appreciate your help and your friendship.”
The countess proclaimed, “Well, we cannot do anything without sustenance, so let’s enjoy cook’s famous biscuits.”
As Sophie and Emily climbed back into the ducal carriage, Sophie turned to Emily.
“Emily, come with me to my house and we can talk with my father. He is so good at solving problems. If we wait until this weekend, he will be too busy with the guests at the house party.”
“Do you think he would mind Sophie?”
“Of course not. My parents consider you as one of their children.”
“Thank you, Sophie. I appreciate it.”
“It will also give you another chance to see Rylan.” Sophie looked straight ahead and did her best to look serious, but a huge grin appeared as Emily stared at her with her mouth open.
“Sophie, what are you talking about?”
“Emily, he hasn’t stopped talking about you since the ball, and he is very excited about going to the country this weekend, and I don’t think it is only because he can be around the horses. How would you feel if you found out he was attracted to you?”
“Sophie, I can’t deny that Rylan has grown into a fine man, but he will need someone as his future duchess. I hardly think I qualify for that role.”
“Why do you always portray yourself as less than you are? You are the God daughter of the duke and duchess, your character is flawless, you are intelligent, and you are beautiful. Start to take up the space you deserve.”
“Sophie, I appreciate your kind words. I confess I wouldn’t mind exploring a relationship with Rylan. What about you and Will?”
Sophie turned tomato red. “I can’t completely explain it, but from the first time we saw each other after he returned, we don’t want to be apart. When he enters a room, my heart beats faster and I have trouble breathing. Is that love Emily?”
Emily knew something was wrong the minute she stepped into the ballroom. The chandeliers were shimmering, champagne was flowing, mamas were supervising their daughters, and those daughters were determined to attract the attention of eligible bachelors. Anyone who was new to this ball scene might miss the subtle change in the atmosphere, but Emily was painfully aware of the eyes trained on her and the whispers of scandal circulating the room.
A moment later, she saw the reason. Lord Crowell was leering at her from across the room. During Emily’s first London season last year, Lord Crowell took advantage of Emily’s trust and innocence when he asked her to come to the rose gardens to see the beautiful blooms.
Unfortunately, when they reached the garden Lord Crowell was not interested in the garden. When he pulled her against him and crushed his lips to hers, Emily was too shocked to react, but when he grabbed her breasts and twisted them, Emily cried out in pain. In the next moment, they were surrounded by curious members of the ton who had been trysting in the garden around them.
Lady Charlotte, a friend of Emily’s family, stepped forward and took Emily’s arm gently.
“Lady Emily, would you like to return to the ball?”
Emily nodded and allowed Lady Charlotte to steer her to safety.
“Lady Emily, you should be more careful around men like Lord Crowell. He only has to say that you lured him to the gardens, and everyone will believe him. Even if he says nothing, the gossips will talk.”
Emily stopped reliving that horrid scene when she heard Aunt Tilly say, “Emily, you have made a spectacular entrance as always!” Emily smiled at her wonderful aunt who believed her niece could do no wrong. Aunt Tilly was always on her side. She showed her unconditional love from the time she became Emily and her brother Henry’s guardian after their parents died in a shipwreck.
Emily’s father John Randal made a fortune in the shipping industry. Generations of Emily’s family felt a passion for travel and adventure. A love for the sea and exotic lands ran in the Randal’s blood. The shipping industry had been a source of wealth for the Randal family for many years and the family’s home, Rose Gate, was full of interesting objects from different countries. Rose Gate also had a love story in its history that included a massive treasure hidden somewhere at Rose Gate.
Emily’s great-grandmother Fiona married James Randal, and they were deeply in love. They had a son, Jeremiah, but a year later James died in a shipping accident. Fiona did not think she could do well on her own with a young child, so she married for convenience. Jeremiah was the heir to Rose Gate and the Randal fortune, but Fiona was afraid her new husband would spend the fortune, leaving nothing for her son, so she hid her jewels and the fortune somewhere at Rose Gate. Her new husband was furious, but she refused to reveal where everything was hidden, and she died in childbirth before she could tell anyone where it was.
Aunt Tilly took care of her duties where Emily was concerned, but her highest priority was to make sure Emily knew she was loved. Aunt Tilly treated Emily like her own daughter. They lived in the country for most of the year, but they came to London for many of the social events, especially now that Emily needed to find a husband.
Emily loved Aunt Tilly and was grateful for the life she provided for her, but although Emily hated to admit it, Aunt Tilly was starting to show her age. She napped often and sometimes seemed confused. Emily could not imagine life without her, but she knew she would not have her in her life forever and that made finding a husband even more pressing. The problem was finding a suitable husband among the prospects before her. The bachelors of the ton were either looking for an heiress to support a gambling addiction, or they simply wanted someone to produce an heir and manage a household while they visited their clubs or mistresses.
Emily focused on the scene in front of her. She had conflicted feelings about balls. She loved the glamour, the fashion, and the glittering ballrooms, and her appearance tonight was an example of this. Emily caught a glimpse of herself in one of the many gilded mirrors placed around the massive ballroom. Her shimmering green gown swayed suggestively as she moved deeper into the room. The dress was cut low enough to reveal some of her ample chest without being too seductive. Her auburn hair was piled loosely on her head with several tendrils curling around her face. Her entire appearance was done to show off her beauty and attract the attention of a future husband.
She enjoyed seeing the fashion the guests were wearing, and the beauty of the ballroom mixed with the music and dancers were all elements she enjoyed. Unfortunately, the balls also had a negative side.
Each ballroom was filled with the same people and similar prospects. As Emily glanced around the room, she prayed tonight would be different. Emily didn’t want to dance with the same bachelors who wanted to waltz her into a dark corner to steal a kiss while they hoped for more.
Aunt Tilly frowned at Emily. “Are you well, my dear? You haven’t been yourself today.”
“I’m fine Aunt Tilly. I have a small megrim, but I’m sure I will feel better soon.”
“Emily, you should have told me. I never mind spending the night with you and a good book, but I know how important being out in society is for you. Young people need to be dancing and enjoying life.”
Emily wished being out in society was as carefree as Aunt Tilly described it. Emily knew the danger lurking behind the pretty façade society painted. A young woman looking for a husband must know how to protect her honor and her toes. By the end of each night, Emily’s feet had been stepped on numerous times, and her head throbbed from listening to inane comments about the weather. A woman had to be careful not to have too many opinions on anything serious because she might be labeled as difficult. Emily did her best to keep her strong opinions to herself because most men would not appreciate a woman who thought for herself. She could not imagine spending the rest of her life with someone incapable of stimulating conversation. Emily wanted a partner in life and not someone who thought a wife’s job was to produce at least one heir and manage the household.
Emily shuddered as she remembered another unfortunate incident when Lord Bowdoin waltzed her onto the deserted terrace and pulled her behind a pillar. As Lord Bowdoin bent to kiss her, Emily smelled a fetid combination of cheroot and wine.
Emily’s options to avoid his advances were limited. She was certain that asking him to stop was not going to work, if she screamed, she could risk ruin or be labeled as a woman who wanted to trap Lord Bowdoin. Thankfully, before things progressed too far, Emily heard footsteps and a familiar voice called, “Emily?”
Emily pushed Lord Bowdoin away and replied, “I’m right here.” As she came around the pillar she saw her childhood friend, Andrew. Emily’s relief to see Andrew must have been obvious because he smiled and said, “May I escort you back inside?”
“Yes, please.”
Andrew whispered to her as they walked towards the ballroom, “I saw him lead you out here, and I was fairly certain you had no desire to go with him.”
“Thank you so much for following me.”
“Well, Emily, I think we both know Lord Bowdoin is no gentleman. Stay away from him.”
Emily stopped, dropped Andrew’s arm and stared at him.
“Andrew, do you think for one minute I enjoy interacting with most of the bachelors here? A lady must be so careful about how she behaves. She must guard her reputation without insulting the man who is trying to ruin that reputation, and our choices for how we interact are limited. Society is like a pack of vultures ready for that one misstep that sends a lady into ruin.”
“Emily, I know the marriage mart can be difficult, but a few gentlemen still remain.”
“Andrew, I hope I find the one for me soon.”
“I hope so too. You know eligible bachelors have challenges as well. Quite a few young ladies only care about capturing a title. These ladies will do their best to catch a young man in a compromising situation and then honor demands the bachelor marry a woman whom he will never love. Women can be devious.”
“You are right Andrew, but you have to admit that men have more options.”
“I hope both of us find the favorable option. I will leave you with your aunt, but I will do my best to keep any of the more nefarious bachelors away from you.”
“Thank you, Andrew. I will be glad to give you my opinion of the young ladies with whom it is safe to interact.”
“I would appreciate that. I’m afraid the mind of a manipulative female is beyond me.”
Andrew and Emily arrived next to Aunt Tilly. Andrew bowed over Aunt Tilly’s hand. “Lady Matilda, how wonderful to see you. I hope you are well. I escorted Lady Emily back from enjoying some fresh air.”
“Lord Andrew, what a pleasure to see you. Please tell your mother and father I said hello.”
“I will. Good night, ladies.”
Aunt Tilly stared at Andrew as he walked away and frowned. “Emily, why have you not shown any interest in Andrew? He is a lovely young man.”
“Aunt Tilly, Andrew is like my brother. We would never suit.”
“What a shame my dear. I would love to have an Earl in the family.”
As more of the ton moved into the ballroom, Emily could feel beads of sweat forming. She bent down to tell Aunt Tilly she was going to bring them some punch.
Emily looked over at the punchbowl and caught her breath when she saw Rylan Hanover staring at her. He had hair dark as night, wide shoulders, a narrow waist, and muscled legs that showed he was a man of action. He moved like a panther with elegance and grace. There was something dangerous in all that strength, but his eyes were kind, and when he smiled it was hard to look away. She watched him tonight as he made sure the wallflowers were led out on the floor and made to feel special.
Rylan had grown up with Emily and his sister Sophie was Emily’s best friend. His parents were the Duke and Duchess, and they were also Emily’s godparents.
Rylan had recently returned from school and some extended travels. As Emily returned his stare, she marveled at the changes in her childhood friend. The gangly boy who used to stick frogs in her bed was now breathtakingly handsome, and she was having difficulty understanding the way just looking at him made her feel.
Rylan had been mentally listing all the places he would rather be in than at another ball. The young ladies in search of a husband would pull down their necklines, circle him as a pack and giggle at anything he said. He was glad to see Emily here tonight. He noticed her instantly because she was different. Most of the young ladies traveled in a group, but Lady Emily seemed to prefer some quiet moments. She didn’t seem interested in ensnaring a man and he admired the kindness she always showed her aunt. Lately, he couldn’t stop thinking about her. Now she stood across the room staring at him. It was time to act.
As she held his gaze, he scooped up two glasses of punch and walked towards her.
“Oh, look dear! Rylan is headed this way.” Aunt Tilly was practically dozing in her chair several minutes before, but she was suddenly wide awake and standing next to Emily.
Emily felt her heart beating and she was wildly searching for something witty to say before he could reach them, but every topic of conversation had left her mind. She wondered why her mouth was suddenly so dry.
Before she could collect her thoughts, Rylan was standing in front of them. He bowed and said, “Lady Matilda, Emily, a pleasure to see you.”
Emily stared in disbelief as Aunt Matilda who complained constantly about arthritic knees curtsied low and elegantly and said, “A pleasure my lord.” Emily curtsied and said, “Good evening, my lord.”
Rylan laughed. “Emily, when have you ever called me my lord? The fact that we grew up together entitles us to use our given names.”
“Rylan, you have changed so much. I am having difficulty remembering the child I played with when you look much more like the ducal heir.”
Rylan smiled. “I assure you that although my appearance may have changed, I’m still the same person you have always known.”
As Emily nodded, she realized his words brought her comfort. With all the pressure of surviving the marriage mart, she enjoyed knowing she was around someone who truly knew her.
“May I offer you ladies some punch?”
Aunt Tilly reached out first. “Thank you, my lord. The heat is stifling in here tonight.”
“I agree Lady Matilda. Would you allow me to have a dance with Emily?
“Of course, Rylan. You two go have fun. I’m going to find out the latest gossip.”
Rylan bowed to Aunt Tilly and reached his hand out to Emily. She placed her hand in his and felt her heart beating faster. Rylan led them to the dance floor and swept her into the dance.
“Thank you for being so kind to my aunt. You know she has always loved you.”
“I have to confess I am shamelessly using her.”
Emily thought she must have misunderstood what he said. “What do you mean?”
“When I saw you for the first time tonight, I almost didn’t recognize you. You took my breath away, and I realized you are unlike the other ladies who are like vultures looking for a bachelor who will suit their marital needs. Some will even lead you into dark corners to claim you were improper with them. I know you are different. I see your kindness, your intelligence, and your humor. Emily, you will make someone the perfect wife.”
Emily looked into his eyes feeling certain he was teasing her, but his glance was very serious, and those eyes were so beautiful. Emily suddenly knew her heart could be lost to this man. How could that be though? She grew up with Rylan and knew everything about him which could be positive, but Rylan was a ducal heir who needed to find a duchess.
Emily heard Rylan calling her name.
“Emily, are you alright? “
“Oh, yes. I apologize.”
“You looked so sad.”
“I was wondering if I will ever find the perfect husband for me.”
“I don’t think that will be a problem.”
The dance ended and Rylan excused himself to find his father. Emily saw the duchess nearby, so she asked her where Sophie was.
“She went to the ladies retiring room. Emily, I have spoken with Lady Matilda. We are all going back to the country this weekend.”
“Oh, your grace, I am so glad. I look forward to spending time with all of you.”
“We have quite a bit to discuss.” The duchess smiled with a twinkle in her eye as she continued her tour of the room. Emily wondered what the duchess wanted to discuss, and why did Emily think the duchess was up to mischief?
Have you ever stopped to wonder if the terrible, I want to hide in the corner bad day could have been avoided? I’m going to share a realization I had about my own situation in the hopes it will help you.
We all have those days when we need to retreat and renew. My husband and I know each other’s signs for those days. I can see a bad day on his face, and he becomes slightly grumpy and almost seems to want to argue. I’m the opposite. I don’t want to interact with anyone. I crave quiet and I want to disconnect and heal. How do you react to the hard days?
It’s not normal for me to be depressed. I might have a bad day here and there, but I can usually find the positive side to anything. The past two months have been different though. I created a nasty mental storm for myself.
The unrest in our country and the world in general has weighed heavily on me. Hateful posts have also affected me as I unfriend more people because although I can respect a difference of opinion, once that opinion becomes hate filled and violent, I’m out. I am missing my children more than usual, and I haven’t had the motivation to run which is usually something I love to do. I haven’t even wanted to putter in the garden. (I’m usually out there singing and talking to the plants.” I started crying for no reason including waking up crying at 2 a.m. last week.
This morning, I decided it was time to turn things around and I realized there was a lot in my power to make things better. I made the decision to take back my happiness and guard my peace.
I’m a planner, so I had to have a good plan to follow. Running has always been my therapy, so the first thing I did was to go for a glorious run. I ran hard and fast, (fast for me is pretty slow!) which I haven’t done for almost 2 months. My legs were tired after 6 miles, but I’ll get stronger every day. The next step was to eliminate the toxic elements around me. I unfriended the person who posted about hoping the marines killed the immigrants in. L.A. I then sent friend requests to people who were mutual friends with friends I consider to be amazing. One of the things that has been bothering me is all the hate in our country. I know I can’t change twisted thinking, but I can spread kindness and understanding in my corner. If I am missing my children, I can reach out to make more opportunities to be together.
What is weighing on you? Is there anything you can do to calm your mental storm and heal the hard days? If you are struggling and cannot beat the funk, reach out for help.
Jennifer’s writing 