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How to Make Connections

I start every day with a simple prayer that goes like this, “Let me build people up with my words, and not tear them down. Let me treat others with kindness and understanding and show people love. I hope I can strengthen the connections I have and make new ones.”

Our connections with each other are powerful forces in our lives. Our links to others can help us in life, and we never know when a connection can change our lives. Making these connections is not easy for everyone, so here are a few ideas to try.

  • Talk to people. This sounds obvious, but I see people so often who do not want to interact. They have the headphones on, and their eyes are down. They have closed themselves off from any interaction. Everyone has a choice to have time to themselves, or interact with others, but if you are always closed to that interaction, you may be missing out on a great conversation, or a connection that might lead to a friendship.

I met my friend Sally at the gym. We were in a kickboxing class together. She approached me, told me she saw me running all the time and asked me if I would start going to races with her. She said she wanted to be in better shape and meet more people. We were complete strangers, but I thought, “Why not?”. We found a local race and went together. We have been racing together for about ten years now, and we are great friends. She also helped me because I had stopped racing. Sally helped me rejoin a community of great people.  

Making connections with simple conversations might help someone who is struggling. You never know when someone needs to be heard, seen, or share a personal story. That conversation might be a lifeline.

  • Use old friends to find new ones. Runners are the best type of people. They are positive, goal-oriented, and they are encouragers. I decided I needed to be more focused on surrounding myself with more people like that, so I began making more of an effort to meet runners through running friends. I did the same thing on social media by friend requesting people who were friends with good friends of mine. The result has been wonderful. I am surrounded by positivity and encouragement.
  • Let people know you remember them. There are people we might meet briefly through travel, or activities. Sometimes these people did something kind for us, and everyone wants to be seen, remembered, and thanked.

I realized how true this is on our return trip from Paris. I am an absolute mess in the airport. I become nervous, none of the machines seem to work for me, (user error), and I know the stress is written on my face.

A year ago, we arrived at the airport, and we were standing in front of the kiosk. A young man asked in French, “Do you need help?” I answered, “Always!” He then took our passports, scanned everything, put the tags on our bags, and led us to the counter to drop off our bags.

Today, we were at the kiosk, and the same man was in front of me, asking the same question. I told him he had helped us last year and I was grateful for him. He looked surprised and said, “You remember me?” I assured him I did and he turned to his colleague and said, “She remembered me!” He helped us to do everything again including opening up a special line so we could go straight to the counter. I watched him tell two more people what I said. He was so excited. Imagine how many complaints people in the service industry hear, and how few thank yous. When you remember someone, you make them feel special.

  • Sign up for some activities. Go where people are and have some fun while you are there. Find something fun to do where you can meet some new people. My daughter and granddaughter go to a neighborhood bingo game at the local Mexican restaurant. Our local pizza place hosts a trivia night every Thursday. You can join a walking or running club, take some classes at the local Y, take painting classes, or look into continuing education at a nearby university.
  • Use social media. When I notice someone who posts regularly on a friend’s timeline in a positive way, I consider friend requesting that person. Social media can help us reach out farther than our own area.
  • Reconnect. Don’t forget to keep old connections fresh. Take some time to reach out and check in to see how those you love are doing.
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That One Person

I have always thought that the quality of the people in your life is more important than the quantity of those around you. I have had too many situations when someone who I thought was a friend was only using me. I focus more now on surrounding myself with people who bring me peace and make me happy. I believe we all need at least one person who brings us joy in some way. It could be several individuals who fill us in different ways, but if we have one person for those different needs, it can be life changing. Here are a few instances where one person can make a difference.

The one you can always rely on.

Who is the first person you think of when you need help? Everyone needs someone who will be there in a flash, who is always the calm in the storm, and instantly knows what needs to be done. My husband is the one for our family. He knows about things I didn’t even know existed. An example is the time he was passing the refrigerator, stopped and said, “Oh, the filter needs to be changed.” Did you know there is a filter on the outside of the refrigerator that needs to be changed every six months? Go look. It’s on the bottom. Another time, we were walking through the basement when he looked up at our copper pipe and said, “We have a leak. I’ll have to solder that.” I replied, “You know how to solder?” My children and I have asked him to write a book about all the things he knows because we are convinced, we would be lost without him.

The one who makes you laugh.

This is the most important person to me because laughter is a powerful medicine. I was the person for my oldest sister. There was something about my laughter that sent her into hysterics, and within minutes she would run to the bathroom. I would start to giggle about something, and she would have a concerned look on her face, and she would say, “Jen, don’t!”

The one who makes you feel special.

When you are feeling less than your best, this is the person that tells you why you are amazing and convinces you it is true.

The one who is your voice of wisdom.

This is another important person for me because I am oversensitive, and harder on myself than anyone else. I am blessed to have several very wise people around me. I will tell one of them something hateful that someone said, and he will look at me as if I have lost my mind and say something like, “Why do you care?” I need those wise voices in my life.

The one who wraps you up in love.

We all need someone who makes it clear that we are very important to him or her. This person is grateful to be in our life, and not afraid to show us.

People can be exhausting and slightly crazy, so I hope you have at least one person in your life who is a safe place to land.

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5 Things I should have learned sooner

There are certain things in life that you have to learn the hard way through experiences, but it often takes me more than one messy interaction before I learn the lessons. There are several important life lessons I wish I had learned sooner.

Give grace and expect it as well.

We all have moments when life overwhelms us, and we don’t handle things as well as we wish we could. In those moments, we need to give each other grace and try to understand what the other person is going through. I had a sign in my classroom that said everyone is carrying a burden of some type, be kind.

Have you ever had that happen when the person you think has the picture-perfect life tells you about something awful she is dealing with? What if you judge someone harshly only to find out there is a legitimate reason for the way he is acting? Give grace first, and ask questions later.

You also have the right to expect grace for yourself in certain circumstances. If you are the sounding board for a friend who always seems to be carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, you are also allowed to have a bad day. If grace doesn’t go both ways, it’s time for a conversation.

Kindness is a superpower.

I have seen kindness do some incredible things. Do you know that all you need to do is smile at someone to let her know she is valued? Have you ever had a day when everyone has been unpleasant, but a stranger smiles at you? That is a simple act of kindness. Complimenting someone, helping with a task, or paying for a coffee are all ways to show someone he is not alone, and people care. Once you do something nice for someone it’s addictive and you want to do more and more.

Hold on to the good people and let go of the toxic.

I am a people pleaser, and although I’m improving when it comes to being nice when being disrespected or tolerating other toxic behavior, I have held on to some toxic relationships way too long. I finally realized how much more important quality is to quantity when it comes to friendships. If you have trouble distinguishing between toxic and non-toxic here are some signs of a toxic person.

· Gossips about you.

· Treats you as the villain and he is the victim

· Ignores you.

· Judges you.

· Is disrespectful/says hurtful things

· He is self-absorbed

A good person is excited for your success instead of jealous, she enjoys being with you, and she is your cheerleader. The give and take in the relationship is balanced.

The prettier grass on the other side of the fence is fake.

I laughed when a friend called Facebook Fakebook, but there are people on social media who want you to think they live a perfect life, but behind all that perfect is a whole lot of mess. Before you start to feel jealous about what a person has, be grateful for what you don’t have that they are hiding from you. Don’t ever compare yourself with someone else because they might wish they could be as good as you at something. Be grateful for your good, and work on your messy pile, and be transparent about it. Some will judge you but think about how many people you could help when they realize they are not alone.

There are quite a few other things I have learned the hard way, but I will save that for another article.

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Do People Really Know You?

I went to a memorial service today and listened to the family describe their deceased loved one. I started to wonder what would people say about me. Would it be accurate? Would they leave out important details and describe me through their eyes? Do they know me fully? What would you want people to know and remember about you?

I started to make a list to describe what was important to me out of fear that my family and friends might not truly know me, because there are certain things I haven’t shared, or they have not asked about. At first, I thought this was a selfish thing to do, but if we leave nothing else behind we should leave memories of our identities, and making our list is a way to reflect and also leave something concrete behind.

Here is a list of things that matter to me, or that define me.

· Staying positive. I do my best to stay positive because I believe in the power of positive energy. My best friend tells me that it annoys him that I can always show that power.

· Rainy days. While many people see gloom on a rainy day, I see beauty and peace. My favorite runs are during summer with a light mist falling. I love to fall asleep during a rainstorm.

· Faith. I am a believer and I know the power of prayer. I believe in Father Anthony’s prayer since he helps me find things all the time. I have a strong patron saint in St. Thèrese who shows up in my life all the time.

· Love. Love is the answer in so many cases. Each day, I start out by praying that I can lift people up and not tear them down.

· Self-esteem. I have horrible self-esteem. I beat myself up over everything, and I’m super sensitive.

· Running. Running is a passion an escape and my peace of mind. It soothes and calms me.

· Food. Food is love. A good meal can lift your spirits and re-energize you. What is your favorite meal? Right now, mine is crispy wonton tacos at Appleby

· I don’t like board games. I love spending time with family and friends, but I have never enjoyed playing board games.

· Quality over quantity in friends. I do not have many close friends mostly because I don’t want to settle for less than. I want a real friend.

· I do not quit easily. I hate giving up on someone or something and I have stayed in several toxic friendships that I should have walked away from long ago.

· Paris is my second home. I am in love with France, French, and the French lifestyle. The Latin Quarter is my favorite.

· I love animals. I have been blessed to have had some amazing animals. They provide unconditional love.

· Gardening brings me peace. I’m not a master gardener, but you can find me out there singing and talking to the plants. The growing process fascinates me.

· I love my family. Like many families, mine is far from perfect, but I love them with all my heart. Time with them is always time well spent.

· Coffee is often what gets me up. The thought of a warm cup of coffee sounds amazing in the morning.

· Writing is something I have to do. I smile when I am writing or running. Ideas pop into my head at odd times, and they continue to ruminate until I put them into written form.

· I love flowers. I like to have flowers, especially roses around me.

· Reading makes me happy. I enjoy getting lost in a story.

· Swinging in the hammock is heaven. I have been discovered more than once napping in the hammock.

That is a short list to describe me. What would your list look like?

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A 12-Step Program for People Pleasers

When I think of addiction I define it as something you continue to do even though you know it is harmful for yourself and others. It is difficult to change, but that change could bring enormous benefits to your life. Being a people pleaser fits that definition too.

I hate conflict and drama and spend sleepless nights when someone is angry at me. It doesn’t make a difference if I am completely certain that I did not cause the issue. I wouldn’t say I like feeling that tension and knowing someone thinks I have caused an issue. Although I know this will always be something I will struggle with just as an addict feels the pull of addiction, I also know there are some steps I can take to be less of a people pleaser. Here is my 12-step program.

1. Let others own their issues. The only person you can truly change is yourself. Instead of reacting to a situation or issue, access the reality. So often some aspects are someone else’s responsibility, and you do them more harm than good by taking their burdens on as your own.

2. Don’t enable others. We don’t have to solve everything for the people around us. Doing everything for others will make them reliant on you instead of allowing them to see what they need to do to solve a problem. When you do too much to please others you can lose yourself. A relationship has to be an honest give and take.

3. Be authentic. We don’t have to fit into anyone’s box of perfection. It is exhausting to try to be something you are not and imperfections are more interesting anyway, so be yourself even if you think that is pretty messy.

4. Know when to walk away. I hate to give up on someone, but there are seasons in our relationships, and if that relationship is toxic it is probably time to walk away. Believe me, I know how hard this is for a people pleaser, but you will eventually know you did the right thing.

5. Deal with problems instead of avoiding them. I had a friend who used to say if you ignored a problem long enough it would go away. I think the opposite is true. If you don’t face the conflict it becomes bigger and overwhelms you.

6. Know your worth. People pleasers do not toot their horns very well, but it is important to know that you have value, and you should ask for what you deserve.

7. Set boundaries. This is another very hard action for people-pleasers, but you will be so much happier if you let others know what your guidelines are for how you expect to be treated.

8. Don’t try to be everything to everyone. This is similar to numbers 1 and 2. If you cannot take on a situation or project it is better to let someone know that you would not be able to give it your full attention.

9. Take care of yourself. You can be more productive and help others if you care for yourself first. As a people pleaser, I need time every day to be by myself and recharge.

10. Encourage yourself. Be your best friend and use only positive self-talk.

11. Surround yourself with supportive people. Being around positive, supportive people can make all the difference.

12. Learn to say no. I heard someone say recently that no was a complete sentence. That means you don’t have to follow it up with reasons, and you don’t have to feel guilty.

Good luck with your 12-step program, I hope you can do your best to do what’s best for your happiness.