Emotional abuse comes in many forms. The abuser may show excessive anger, have dark moods, need to control and possess, belittle and berate. If you always feel like you are walking on eggshells, you are never right, you can’t have a discussion without explosive emotion, or you can’t be yourself, then you are being emotionally abused.
So, if someone is experiencing an emotional relationship why would she not leave? Although common sense tells you that if you realize you are in a relationship with an abuser, you should end the relationship immediately, it can be more complicated than that. Here are some reasons why a woman stays even though she shouldn’t.
The abuser has another side. I have a friend who tells me when she started dating her husband, she would describe him as gentle, loving and funny. Abusers are master manipulators and can be very charming. After the marriage, she saw another side of his personality. He would change anything she had done in the house and berate her for doing it wrong. Once she had tried to paint a kitchen cabinet and after he had yelled at her for doing it, he turned to his teenage son and said with a condescending smile, “Can you believe she did that?”
Her abuser was so charming in public that many people would tell her how lucky she was to be married to such a wonderful man, but she wished she could tell them what he was like at home.
The abuser steals your value. After being told she couldn’t do anything on her own, my friend began to believe it. Her husband didn’t want her to wash his clothes or do the cooking because he told her she wasn’t good at it. I told her to let him do all those things because it gave her more time to do what she wanted.
She questions the situation
An abuser can switch the guilt around to the victim so that the victim questions her reality, wondering if she is being overdramatic even when she has tons of evidence of the abuse.
She cannot afford to leave
This is one of the main reasons many women stay because they don’t think they can survive without the abuser. I told my daughters to make sure they were never financially dependent on a man, but this can be very scary for a woman who knows leaving is the right thing to do, but money has become the shackle that keeps her in the relationship.
I hope if you are in an abusive relationship, you will find help in what ever form you need. Talk with people you trust and research community resources. Life is too short to not be happy.
How to Make the Top Ten Important List for Someone
I heard someone yesterday say that a certain person was on her top ten list of important people in her life and I began to wonder who my top ten would be and what qualities or actions would guarantee that you would make someone’s list. Of course, everyone is different, but I picked a few things that I think are important factors for someone to play a pivotal role in your life.
Show up
When someone shows up for you, that person shows you that you are valued and supported. I know that feeling when a friend walks through the door or calls and you know that you are important to that person. I had a student whose mom died. I showed up at the wake and she said, “Madame, you came!” There are certain people and situations when I will show up no matter what and that was one of them. An important person on my list would do the same.
Listen
When was the last time someone really listened to you without turning the narrative to him or her? Most people don’t hear you because they are too busy talking about themselves. To be on someone’s ten most important list, you need to listen. Listening doesn’t have to be solving issues, but listening gives someone the chance to share burdens and once they are released, healing can begin.
Prove someone’s value
Show people you believe in them, and you think they are worthy of doing great things. Maybe ask them to do something epic together because you know that person’s grit will make you better. When I was a senior in high school, my English teacher pulled three of us out in the hall and asked us if we wanted to take the Advanced Placement English test. I didn’t know what this test was because it had only started several years before (I’m so old!), and we had not been trained for it, but if Mr. Chaffee thought I could do it, then I was going to do it. The man who told me I was a good writer is definitely on my list as well as the French teacher in college who pulled three of us out and asked if we wanted to do U-Conn’s study abroad program. That teacher’s actions and belief in me changed my life.
Make someone laugh
Being funny is one of the best qualities to have because life can be tough and if you can help people see humor in a difficult situation you should be on a few lists.
Be a defender/advocate
I have several friends that I know would be by my side in a heartbeat if I needed them, and oh, lord, they would defend me well if you wronged me. Friends like that need to be on the list. My husband had the type of stroke that precedes a bigger stroke, but thankfully we were able to get him to the hospital before the second stroke hit. I believe in the power of prayer, so I sent a text to my prayer warriors telling them what happened and asking for prayers. My friend Donna was the one who showed up to the hospital in minutes and all she asked was, “what can I do? Tell me what you need.” That is list material right there.
What actions or qualities do you think are necessary to be on the most important list?
I have a feeling that most people have at least one person in their lives that could be classified as a narcissist. Do you know one? You need to be able to answer that question because interaction with a narcissist can be dangerous for many reasons, so first let’s define who this is and then talk about how they can affect your life and how you can survive a relationship with one.
The definition of a narcissist is a person who shows an excessive pattern of self-focus, need for admiration, and lack of empathy for others. Common traits include strong sense of superiority, (his way is the best way), constant need for praise or validation, difficulty accepting criticism, manipulative behavior, preoccupation with status, success, or power.
Common warning signs are constant criticism, belittling, or humiliation, being blamed for everything, making you question your judgment, controlling behavior, explosive anger, lack of empathy, and you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around the person.
There are many examples of a narcissist in action, but here is a good example. The narcissist has just spoken in anger. Here is the conversation that follows.
You: Why are you angry?
Narcissist: (Yelling) I’m not angry!
You: You are angry because you are yelling.
Narcissist: Well, It’s because you make me angry!
Chances are you didn’t do anything to make him angry, but the blame can never be accepted. You will also rarely ever receive an apology.
One of the complicated things about a relationship with a narcissist is that they can be extremely charming in public, so if you tell anyone about the emotional abuse you experience, they may think you are crazy. The expression is The life of the party, the devil at home. It is abuse though so you should speak up and receive help from someone you trust.
Leaving a relationship with a narcissist can be complicated for many reasons, but if you are ready to leave, set up support first. You can contact the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
I love checklists because it is a quick way to check what you are doing and remind yourself what you could do better. Here is one for you about your health. Which ones would be easy for you to do? Check off the ones you already do and make plans for incorporating others in your life.
Listen more than you talk.
You only have to listen to a few conversations to notice that most people don’t listen well. Instead of actively listening to what someone is saying, we often rush to interrupt and turn the light back to ourselves. The best way to learn more about people and situations is to rest in silence. Wait until someone is finished and then ask some questions for understanding.
Value the time and energy of yourself and others.
I will never be late to anything unless it is completely out of my control because showing up on time is a sign of respect. When you continually show up late you send a message that your time is more important than others and you are not responsible.
Protect your energy by deciding not to overreact to drama and respect other’s energy by not creating any drama.
Know you have options
There is always another choice, so never choose to be unhappy because you think you are locked into something. When something doesn’t work out, regroup and invent plan b.
Do what makes you feel good.
There is judgment everywhere. Don’t allow that to keep you from doing what you love. When someone gives you all the reasons you shouldn’t do something, as long as it is legal and safe, do it anyway.
Stop feeling guilty
Do you worry about whether you are doing and giving enough? Guilt will exhaust you, so do your best, have a good attitude, give your best effort ,find your joy, and let the rest go.
Be positive
It has been proven over and over that staying positive can make a difference for your health. Life can throw some nasty punches, but you always have a choice about how you react. If you can stay grateful and keep moving forward, it will make a difference.
Know your value.
Recently, my daughter had a meeting with someone she perceived as important. She said to me, “Mommy, she makes me so nervous.” I said, “Remember who you are. Walk into that meeting like a queen.” We sell ourselves short too often.
Don’t react before you reflect.
Emotions can overrule the head, so take a minute to breathe and reflect before you react. Sometimes there is a backstory you need to know, or you should ask for clarification before you assume anything.
Be mindful of your relationships.
Although there are times when I need to be away from people to recharge, I also know the importance of good relationships. Reach out to friends and family, give good people the gift of your time, build a loving community and don’t chase after people who don’t see your sparkle.
Practice self-care.
Taking care of yourself is not being selfish. When you take good care of yourself you are healthier, happier, and more productive. We can help others if we help each other first.
Stop explaining your no. Own your boundaries.
When you decide that something doesn’t fit what you enjoy doing realize that you don’t have to say more than no thank you. Don’t allow someone to guilt or shame you into doing something you will not enjoy. When I was doing karate, we began going to competitions, but it was each person’s choice whether to go or not. I asked my friend, Jan if she was going. When she said no she added, “When I’m not sure of something I ask myself how it makes me feel. If the answer is stressed, I don’t do it.” That’s probably a good way to decide.
Get rid of everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
Do a toxic purge. What are those things or people that stress you out? If it’s closet clutter, clean it out and donate it. If it’s social media, take a break. If you have haters in your social media friend list, it’s time to clean house. The feeling of throwing out your toxic trash is healing.
Be grateful. See blessings, not burdens.
I have issues like everyone else, but I also know I am incredibly blessed. When I start to have a pity party, I usually see someone who is struggling with so much more than I am. I also know that some people see a burden where others see a blessing. I remember when my children were little, I wished I could have some time to read, now my best day is when they come to visit.
Treat yourself with respect.
How do you talk to yourself? Do you tear yourself down and say you can’t do anything right? Switch that to speaking about yourself with kindness. Talk to yourself as if you are speaking to your best friend.
Expand your connections.
I decided I needed more good people in my community, so I started connecting with friends of friends that I valued and admired. I know the running community is full of extraordinary people, so I committed to going to at least one race a month to stay active with the running community. We all need a community, so build yours with people you enjoy.
Check in with yourself and others.
Take time to reflect on your situation. Are you happy? Are there changes you need to make? Check on friends and family to make sure they are not struggling silently. Be aware of the person who suddenly becomes unusually quiet.
Practice kindness.
Kindness will help you as much as it will help others. It feels good to help others and it often starts a domino effect. You do something kind and others follow your lead.
Drink water.
I have to confess that I don’t like water but I drink it because I know the benefits. Here are a few of those benefits. Water helps maintain body temperature, supports circulation, and keeps organs functioning properly. It boosts energy and focus. It supports digestion and improves physical performance.
Move.
If I could pick one thing that could make a huge difference, it would be movement. Regular movement supports physical health, mental health, and long-term quality of life. It builds and maintains muscles and bones. It boosts your mood and relieves stress. It can help with sleep, improves flexibility, and lowers the risk of some conditions. You can walk, stretch, dance, garden, strength train, ride a bike, or swim.
Eat clean.
Do your best to avoid highly processed food. Look at the list of ingredients. If the list is long and lists things you can’t even pronounce, you should consider choosing something else. Remember that the first thing on the list is the most used ingredient in the product.
Don’t compare yourself to others.
You might see perfection, but often that perfect exterior is hiding something ugly with burdens you don’t want to carry. Be grateful for the blessings you have.
Sleep well.
Sleep affects everything because it’s our body’s chance to recharge and recover. Sleep helps the brain process and store information. Poor sleep is linked to stress, anxiety, and depression. Sleep strengthens the immune system. Keep a consistent sleep schedule, limit screens before bed, avoid heavy meals or caffeine late at night. Keep the bedroom cool, dark, and quiet.
Allow yourself to rest.
Do you feel guilty if you are not being productive? Taking the time to slow down and rest can renew you mentally and physically.
Reduce the noise.
Put your phone down and disconnect completely. Social media comes with so many emotions and drama. Taking some time away from it can be healing. I love to watch the news, but some nights I choose quiet instead.
Learn to let go.
I have held onto some toxic situations and people way longer than I should have, but it taught me that letting go of something harmful is not giving up, it’s healthy.
It’s o.k. to not be o.k.
When you are struggling, ask for help. Pushing down your hurt or needs will only do more harm. Be transparent about your situation.
Don’t give up.
The difference between don’t give up and learn to let go is whether you are doing something you love and chasing the dream, or refusing to admit that something or someone is not good for you. I had a friend who was extremely toxic for me. Although my family kept telling me to walk away from her, I kept making excuses for what she did until the final betrayal when I realized I was chasing someone who was against me instead of for me. On the other hand, my journey in writing has not been easy and monetary success is not always within my grasp, but I will continue to do it because it is a passion for me.
Learn from failure.
Failure has a nasty sting, but it is a mighty teacher. We all have stories of failure, but if we walk away with a lesson that makes us better then it’s worth it. When something doesn’t work, do a reset and figure out how to do it another way.
Believe in yourself.
Self-doubt is a dream killer that only holds you back. Believe in yourself and keep stepping out of your comfort zone to grow. I love the quote that says something is only impossible until you do it.
Have a growth mindset.
It doesn’t matter if you don’t have all the knowledge you need at the moment. Say things to yourself like. “I don’t know how to do that…yet.” Give yourself grace and have the attitude that you will keep working on what you need to succeed.
Walk away from people who don’t see your value.
People can be exhausting, especially those who are self-absorbed and convinced that if you cannot add something to their lives then you don’t count. You are wonderfully made, so don’t waste your time trying to convince someone that you matter.
Make small goals, crush them, then make bigger ones.
When you make goals that are too big, you might end up frustrated if that goal becomes overwhelming. Break that big goal into smaller pieces and crush it piece by piece. You will gain confidence and motivation.
I would love to think my family and friends would always be my biggest cheerleaders, but that hasn’t been the case. It took me a while to realize there are all sorts of reasons and emotions behind this.
Your success might make some people uncomfortable whether it’s because of jealousy or insecurity, these people don’t want to experience your excitement. The worse case is when someone close to you feels the need to attack your dreams. This might be done through verbal jabs or questioning what you are doing on your path to success. Don’t allow those arrows to hit the mark. They are coming from someone to insecure to support you. Keep moving forward towards fulfilling what you love to do.
Here are a few things to do on your journey to success.
Find your cheerleaders. I have several friends who are always there to convince me I am on the right path. They want to see me succeed as much as I want the same for them. Your cheerleaders might not be actual family, but they will lift you up as if they were.
Ignore the doubters with their negativity. When you are doubting yourself, it doesn’t help when others start questioning your dreams. As a writer, I have not discovered how to kill it financially, so I fend off questions like, “Why are you doing this?”, “This is just a hobby, right?” Those questions are not helpful, so ignore them and carry on. I had to speak up when a family member had thrown too many barbs. I said, “I need you to stop talking to me that way. I have written 12 books. I just haven’t figured out how to market them yet.” He was very surprised and apologized.
Know who you can share your dreams with. Many people close to you don’t care about your dreams even though if they care about you, they should also care about your dreams. There are also people who will be interested in your journey and who will ask questions about your dreams. There was a gymnast whose father told him not to talk about the great things he was going to do. Instead, he should just do them.
Use the haters as fuel for motivation. I asked a family member a question about filling out my monthly taxes and he asked me why they would care about receiving such a small amount. It was asked with a dose of hatefulness, and at that moment I decided to work harder on selling my books to prove my ability to this person. Prove the haters wrong.
If you are passionate about something you should continue doing it even when you feel alone in your pursuit.
One of the reasons I love vending my books at the local craft market is my books become a conduit to deep conversations. Someone will begin asking about my books and then they work the conversation around to their struggle and their story. Sometimes I can help them by gifting a book, or just listening, but recently, a woman helped me when she described an action plan she made to help herself in her situation.
She told me her husband had just been diagnosed with dementia. His brother also had it and she cared for him until he died two years ago. She said she was overwhelmed when she thought of her future taking care of her husband. She told me she decided she needed to start taking care of herself more, so she made a list of everything in her life that was weighing on her and she picked out the things she could fix and made a plan on how to do it. She decided she was going to ask for help for those things she couldn’t fix and she was going to stop worrying about them. She was going to prioritize herself more and she knew if she took better care of herself, she could take better care of others.
Her plan resonated with me because I am a worrier even though I know worry is wasted energy. How many of us , care of everyone else before we take care of ourselves? Self-care is not selfish, it’s important for our health.
I thought a lot about our conversation after she left. We all carry burdens of some kind, but we have a choice about how we handle it. We can ask for help, make a plan, and whatever we choose to do we need to make sure we don’t lose ourselves in the process.
Parenting is like being thrown into a lake and told to swim before you know the basic swim techniques. You go from hoping you will be a good parent before your child is born to transitioning into survival mode once the baby arrives. There isn’t a 100% reliable guidebook, and the same technique rarely works twice.
Although there are some rough spots, there are just as many magical moments. Savor those moments and laugh about the rest.
No matter where you are in your parenting journey, everyone can benefit from some practical advice and encouragement, so here are ten I would like to offer you.
Filter through the advice. Once you announce a baby is coming, the advice will start pouring in from everyone. Some of the advice will be helpful, and some will be crazy. You must filter through the noise to decide which advice is going to help you and your child.
Give yourself grace. You don’t have to be perfect to be a great parent. I had so many less than stellar moments as a parent. We were in a restaurant with the whole family when my youngest had a diaper blow out. It was the kind where the poop not only leaks a bit out of the diaper, but it was all over me….everywhere. I remember thinking that there was no good ending to this story, so I grabbed a diaper, lots of wipes and headed out to the car to repair what I could. The best thing to do in a situation like that is to realize you are not the first or the last to experience that and to find the humor.
Talk with other parents. Especially in the beginning of parenthood, it helps to share your struggles and joys. It can be encouraging to hear that other parents are facing the same challenges.
Don’t compare yourself to other parents. There is always the parent who looks like they handle parenting with ease. She is immaculately dressed while you have spit up on both shoulders, her hair looks perfect while you cannot remember when you had a shower, and she looks well rested while you would give anything for a nap. Don’t worry about it because she might have challenges you would never want to have. Be the parent that works for you.
Love them when they don’t expect it. Two of my three children went through a phase when they would say, “I hate you.” When I would make them do something they didn’t want to do. I always answered, “I love you.”
Maintain consequences for actions. You have to be fair and consistent with the consequences for actions even when it’s hard.
Know the power of distraction. When your children are younger you can use distraction to avoid a tantrum or keep them from doing an activity you would like to avoid. When they are older, you can distract them when you want to change the subject.
Keep your cool. This goes along with don’t engage in drama. There are things your child will do that will make your blood boil, but don’t let your emotions take over. You can teach them how to handle an explosive situation in a productive way. Hand out the consequences for the actions, say how you feel, but express it all as if you are in complete control. Children need to know that someone is in control amid all the chaos of life.
Offer choices. Let’s say your child comes to you and says they do not want to go to college, but you would like to see them earn a college degree. Instead of losing your cool, or beginning to list the many reasons why that is not an option try saying this, “Okay, tell me why?” Many students, even those with high grades are afraid of college, and don’t think they will do well. Open up the dialogue to talk about your child’s feelings. You can also do what I did when I said, “Okay, what is your plan then?” That simple question made her think about what her plan would look like without college.
When younger children ask to purchase something, they can be given the choice between two things.
The point of giving them choices is to make them think they are making the decision instead of being told what to do.
Use silence. When you want to find out more about a situation, ask a question and then maintain silence. When your child answers you, maintain your silence and see if your child adds anything. Silence is powerful.
I hope some of these ideas will be useful for you. Enjoy every minute with your children.
Do you ever feel like life is a war where you are only doing your best to survive? Those are the days when you need to know what your weapons are, and what is the best way to use them.
I’m not talking about guns and swords, or other methods of violence. I’m talking about words and actions you can use to protect your peace, motivate yourself, and find happiness. Here are a few ideas that work for me.
Remember, you have more power than you think in your interactions. You might not be able to choose what happens to you or some of the situations you encounter, but you always have the choice on how to respond.
There are certain personality types where someone loves to argue, so you will walk away from these arguments shaking your head and asking yourself what just happened. These people love drama, and they will take any excuse to engage in it. Your weapon in this case is to not engage. Have a set of phrases ready that give a non-committal response. If you jump in with both feet, you will come out bloodied emotionally. Rest in the assurance that proving you are right is not worth it.
You have to draw boundaries to show people how to treat you. There should be no discussion except for a clear description of what those boundaries are. If the boundaries are not respected, it’s time to distance yourself.
You need to take time to heal. Every warrior needs to take time to regroup, rest, and recharge. You will always come back stronger if you take time to heal. Do what fills you and gives you peace. Movement of any kind has always helped me. I also find peace through reading, writing, and music.
Realize that someone’s opinion doesn’t have to be the truth. Have you ever been in a situation when someone criticizes you and you start to ask yourself if you would act that way even though the claim is outlandish? Just because someone has an opinion about you, it doesn’t mean it’s true, so carry on with your bad self.
There are so many situations that can steal our peace, so sharpen your weapons before you need them, so that when the need arises, you are prepared.
I was thrilled about becoming a mother, and I thought everything would be okay if I loved my children with all my heart and provided the best care possible. I wish someone had talked to me about the tangle of emotions that was about to happen and how to navigate all those feelings. I especially wish someone had explained parental guilt to me.
I have three children, and with each one, I found myself feeling guilty about everything. I felt guilty about working and dropping them off at daycare, not spending enough time with them, and falling asleep while I read a bedtime story. I felt guilty if they didn’t do well in school, and if they got into trouble, I was sure it was because of my shoddy parenting.
The feeling of guilt has followed me into my children’s adult years, but I have finally learned how to survive that guilt and preserve my peace. Here are a few things I have learned that I hope can help you.
Create boundaries. When your children are little, they push the boundaries to see how much control they have. Creating boundaries that define where their control ends and yours begins makes them feel safe and lets them know the chain of command. They will continue to push those boundaries into adulthood, so keep your boundaries steady and firm.
Don’t enable them. I wanted my children to have what they wanted, but it would have done more good if I gave them what they needed and made them work for what they wanted. Doing everything for your children or giving them their every need does not build good character. The things you have to work for are always more meaningful than what is just handed to you.
Shut down arguments with a few key phrases. Arguments can steal your peace, and they usually don’t end with a good resolution, so here are a few phrases to shut down an argument that is going nowhere.
I hear you
We will have to agree to disagree
That’s your opinion
Let’s have this discussion another time when we are calmer
Do not let your emotions match your child’s. Stay calm.
When they criticize you, remember it’s their opinion. When your child claims you are acting a certain way, do you jump to the defensive even though your child has no grounds for this claim? Remember it’s his opinion and not necessarily true. Use the above statement, “That’s your opinion.”
Demand respect. You care for and love your children. You deserve the same respect you show them. Do not tolerate lying, cursing, unkindness, or condescension.
My final suggestion is that you always let them know you love them. You might need to restate boundaries, demand an apology, but if you are doing your best and showing love, you can kick the parental guilt to the curb.
Have you ever had a friendship that started out great and then gradually turned into something toxic? If you are caring, loving, and a people pleaser you are a toxic target, so chances are you have dealt with this situation more than once.
It should be easy to walk away from a relationship like that, but it isn’t, is it? I have been there too, and I can offer a few hints to recover from the devastation one of these friendships can leave.
It helps to realize why toxic people gravitate to you. Toxicity comes in many forms but two of the most common forms are narcissism and manipulation. As a people person, you are safe for the people with these traits. At least for awhile you will serve their needs, forgive them, and make excuses for them. They will continue to misuse you because they know you are trying to understand their actions.
Learn to recognize toxic. A toxic person wants to be adored. They cannot stand not being seen and they can be hateful if someone stands in the way. A toxic person always feels she does everything the best and is quick to criticize the attempts of others. This person wants you to do everything for her. When you raise an issue, she will try to make it look like it is your fault not hers. She will never accept guilt for behaving badly. If someone treats you badly consider that person to be toxic.
Listen to other family and friends. I have unfortunately had several toxic relationships that I held onto for too long. The worst was a woman that I thought was my best friend. We spoke every day and shared so much laughter. Unfortunately, she showed every toxic quality you can imagine. She manipulated me, talked behind my back, and the list goes on. If I complained about her treatment she would say she knew she was difficult, or she would make it sound like something I had done. My family was furious with her and continually told me she was not a friend. I finally listened and distanced myself from her, but the whole situation devastated me. I kept asking myself if I had done something wrong. If you are doing the same thing let me tell you to let that feeling go. It wasn’t you.
Take time to grieve. Losing a friendship is always disappointing, so take time to be sad but only for a minute because you closed the door on a bad relationship and you are opening yourself up to better possibilities.
The best revenge is semi-forgiveness. One of the things my toxic friend said was that she hated to be ignored. She loved drama. Don’t give that relationship any more fuel. You can forgive her and let go of all the negative emotions, but don’t ever let her back in as a friend. She is missing out on someone cool like you.
Start finding some new friends. The best way to find good friends is through the good ones you already have.
Relationships take give and take, but a toxic one is one-sided, so walk away from those before you are too invested.
Jennifer’s writing 