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A Peek inside a mother’s life

We all know that being a mother is a tough job that requires all your mental, physical, and emotional strength. We need to remember that mom’s need to share what they are experiencing, and they need encouragement and a hug occasionally. Let me give you a peek into a mom’s life when everything did not go according to plan.

My daughter has an 18-year-old stepson, a 17-year-old stepdaughter, and a three-year-old son with autism. One day last week, she was fighting the perfect storm when everything goes wrong at once. I received several calls that day that revealed the following.

  • The three-year-old’s ear had swelled up, and they thought it might be an allergy to peanut butter which is the only thing he likes to eat besides yogurt.
  • The 18-year-old received a concussion on Friday and hid it from his coach and parents because he wanted to hang out with his girlfriend on Sunday. The crazy began to percolate in my daughter, and reached the boiling point when her husband said the trainer said it wasn’t a big deal, so they shouldn’t worry. She called asking me what the protocol at my school for concussions was, and after hearing how it should have been handled, she made a doctor’s appointment Monday morning. She also wanted advice on how to deal with the stepson’s repeated deception.
  • On Monday, she had 50 packages to ship out while entertaining a toddler by herself while her husband took the stepdaughter to school, the stepson to the doctor, returned his son home, then went back for his daughter to take her to the university for dual enrollment classes. After that he would return to the toddler to take him to speech therapy.
  • The dog was ill and could not stand up.
  • Something was wrong with the washing machine, and it smelled horrible. Of course, there were at least five loads of laundry to be done.
  • The stepdaughter wants to stay permanently with them instead of staying part of the week with her mom, but she doesn’t know how to tell her mom, and Jess must stay out of it even though she would like to give the mom a piece of her mind.

With all this going on, she barely whispered to me, “Mom, I have nothing left. I’m going to break.” I asked her what she needed, and she asked if we could bring lunch and stay with her for a few minutes. We brought lunch, and my husband fixed the washer.

Last week, my husband and I were at the park with the three-year-old and a young woman started to talk with me. Her two-year-old grabbed my hand and wouldn’t let go. She told me that she had no idea how hard it would be to be a mother. She also said she was so grateful for her son. She told me that her son had attached himself to me because I looked like his grandmother. As we walked, she told me her story. Her mother used to babysit Daniel a lot until one day she was pushing him in his stroller and a car hit them. The mother had a brain bleed and a broken leg. Daniel was unharmed. Her mother does not remember anything about what happened, and her life has changed dramatically. I could hear the sadness in the young woman’s voice. I hope we will continue to see her at the park, and perhaps we can help in some way.

Remember to show appreciation to the mom’s you know, help out when you can, and be free with your hugs.

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10 Ways to Keep a Toddler Amused

If you ask parents who presently have a toddler, or remember the toddler years, what it is like to parent a toddler, you might see them shiver as a look of fear enters their eyes. They will tell you that the toddler years bring a roller coaster ride because the toddlers are finding their place in the scheme of things, testing the limits, and throwing around emotions like confetti. A parent needs to be patient, creative, flexible, and most of all have a great sense of humor.

One of the goals of parents is to find activities the toddlers will love so the parents can have a few minutes of peace while the toddler plays. My grandson is three and if he is engaged in an activity my daughter will say, “Nobody move, don’t breathe, don’t make a sound.” We all laugh when she says this, but I think she is dead serious. I’m sure she is not alone, so here are a few ideas to keep your toddler busy.

  • Any activity with water. Water will keep a child amused for long periods of time. My husband used to fill up a large plastic container with water and toys and call it Parker’s pool. Parker loved it. A water table has activities to do with water. You can let them play in the kitchen sink, and the bathtub is always good for fun. Even taking a smaller container and letting them put toys in it will keep them amused.
  • A jewelry box. I remember that I loved playing with my mom’s jewelry box which I now let Parker play with. Fill it with old jewelry you no longer use and monitor them to make sure small pieces don’t go in their mouths.
  • Make up games. I have made some of the silliest games with Parker, and he loves them. One game we play is the flashlight game. We start in a room with the lights off, and I count to three then say, “Turn it on!” We then run down the hall, into another room, and then back to the original room where I say, “Turn it off!” We laugh like crazy, and Parker can burn off some energy.
  • Find anything that has buttons to push. You can go to the local thrift store and pick up some interactive games that have lots of buttons.
  • Have a play date. Children love other children. I brought Parker over to play with the neighbor’s toddler and they amused themselves for hours.
  • Go on adventures. Parker has a push bike that has a container on the back. We go around the neighborhood looking for flowers and other interesting things and he puts them in the container. You see things you never noticed before when you are with a toddler.
  • Stack and organize. Anything you can use to make a tower is a great idea and use anything that can be organized or sorted. You can work on learning colors and shapes this way.
  • Arts and crafts. Use stickers to create a work of art. We don’t realize how many free stickers come in our mail. Pull out the address stickers and other stickers that come to us for free. Buy a few sheets from your favorite store, pull out some construction paper and have fun.
  • Make a fortress. I remember that my two oldest could have cared less about the toys we bought for Christmas, they only wanted to build a tunnel fort with the boxes. You can make a fort using sheets and chairs, or if you live in a cold climate, make one with snow.
  • Sidewalk art. Grab a huge bucket of sidewalk chalk and let your artists have a blast. Make sure you have something ready to clean them up before they head back inside.

I hope these ideas will help bring you some peace and laughter!  

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10 Pearls of Wisdom to Teach Your Children

I taught for 40 years, and every year I put my heart and my soul into my classes hoping my students would master the material. Still, about halfway through my career, I realized that there were life skills I could teach them while teaching the material and those life skills were so much more crucial than mastering my content. Here are a few of the concepts that are important to teach our children.

Positivity

At the start of every school year, I would talk to my students about the power of a positive attitude. I used a demonstration to prove my point. I would ask for a volunteer and tell the student to hold out one arm, shoulder height, and ask them to start saying, “I will hold my arm up”. I had them say it about 6 times and then I would try to pull the arm down, but the arm wouldn’t budge. Then I would tell the student to say, “I cannot hold my arm up.” I would push on the arm again and the arm always dropped. The students were always surprised and usually one or two more wanted to try. I talked to them about how our attitude influences our performance and how you should turn your words from negative to positive and see what happens.

I showed my family many years ago what you can do when you send out positive thoughts. We would pull into a restaurant where the parking lot was almost full and I would say, “We are going to get right in.” They were surprised the first few times it worked. Yesterday, we went to our favorite breakfast spot which is always busy. My husband dropped us off and parked the car. Of course, we were seated immediately. He came in and said, “Positivity wins again!”

Kindness

Everyone carries a burden of some kind and there is no way to know who is carrying a heavy one. We need more kindness to heal the hurt and it is so easy to do. It’s great if you can afford to buy someone a coffee, but simple acts can have huge impacts. These include a smile, a kind word, or listening to someone who needs to tell you his story. Our most precious gift to someone is often our time.

Resilience

Life can be tough sometimes, and recovering each time you feel knocked down can be an important life skill. A sense of humor is a great weapon when learning to be resilient.

Boundaries

I love helping people, but sometimes people take advantage of a kind nature. Teach your children to express what they are willing to do and what is beyond their comfort level. Saying no can often make a situation better if saying yes would make you feel overwhelmed and unhappy. Drawing boundaries also means letting people know your standards and how you want to be treated.

Follow your dreams

I have seen too many people who are miserable because they didn’t follow their passions. If you feel at peace doing something and it is something you can’t wait to do in the morning then that is what you should do.

Balance

Small children are fun to watch because they approach everything with so much joy. They play hard but they also value the quiet times that might be found exploring for bugs or curling up and coloring. As they grow their day can be jammed with activities, but they still need time to play. Help them figure out how to do that.

Priorities

What is important in your life? What brings you joy? We should do our best to teach our children what matters in life and guide them on how to make those things priorities.

Healthy relationships

When children are little everyone is a potential friend, but when they are older relationships become more complicated. Talk to them about the difference between a healthy and a toxic relationship.

Transparency

When you are honest with your child about your struggles you can teach him about the importance of communication and talking about what is happening in each person’s life.

Healthy habits

You are your child’s model. Show them the importance of healthy eating and exercise.

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Bluey’s Life Lessons

I babysit my grandson two days a week, and he loves to watch a show called Bluey. At first glance, Bluey is a cartoon about a dog family, but in reality, it is much more.

Each episode has an important message not only for children but also for adults. The messages are related to the emotions that correspond with the messages, and there is also a healthy dose of humor.

I knew this was a special show when I found myself quoting the messages to people, and my 21-year-old daughter taped the series. Last night, the news was even more gruesome than usual, so we turned it off and turned on Bluey.

Not only are there great messages, but it is also relatable for parents as they chronicle the struggles of parents trying to care for their children. Parents can see issues that they have also dealt with, and they can realize they are not the only ones dealing with these situations. Having said that, you also should know that very few parents are as good as Bluey’s parents. We can only do our best to be somewhat like them.

Here are a few of the messages or episodes I love the most.

· If you don’t want someone to touch your things, know when to put them away. Bluey’s friend complains about a friend who breaks her toys, and Bluey says, “When my cousins come to play, I put the good toys away.” My grandson broke a bracelet of mine and I found myself quoting Bluey and saying I should have put it away.

· Parent’s rules are for your good. The episode called Tina is when Bluey and Bingo are tired of being told what to do, so they enlist the help of their invisible friend Tina. The parents win the day by showing what happens to Tina when she doesn’t practice self-care.

· Enjoy the moments. This is my personal favorite. Except for the beginning, the only sound is the rain. It is so peaceful. Bluey is trying to dam up the rain in the driveway. He runs in and out of the house, tracking in mud, while his mom tries to stop him, but then she decides to join him and enjoy the beautiful moment with him.

· Your failures and weaknesses can be teachable moments for your children. There is an episode called Fairytale, Bluey’s dad tells a story about growing up in the 80s when he was mean to his brother. In another episode called Omelet, Bingo’s mom allows Bingo to continually fail at making an omelet instead of taking over and doing it for her. She eventually succeeds and has a great sense of accomplishment.

· Distraction is a great parental tool. I think every parent can hear their child when Bingo complains about being tired of walking on the way to the park. “How much longer?” The parents keep finding ways to take her mind off of walking.

· Onesies has multiple messages including accepting that you can’t have everything you want, the importance of family, infertility, and the power of imagination. Bluey’s mom’s sister comes to visit after four years away. She brings the girls animal onesies. Bluey wants Bingo’s costume, but it doesn’t fit, and Bingo becomes the tiger of his onesie and starts attacking everyone. You need to watch this one because a lot is going on.

· Winning by cheating isn’t winning. Bluey’s mom designs an obstacle course, but the competitive spirit causes some issues.

· Believing in yourself. Bluey’s friend’s dad has lost power for his GPS, and he doesn’t remember how to get to his son’s school. He stops for directions, and he is given two choices, the safe but extremely long way, or the rugged, off-road, short way. The dad is also told he doesn’t look like the type who could handle the tougher road, so the dad decides to prove he can do it.

· Sometimes you just need 20 minutes. This episode is called Sheepdog, and the dad attempts to entertain the children while the mom rests. When Bingo asks why she needs time alone, the mom says, “Sometimes, I just need 20 minutes.” We find out later that sometimes the children need the same thing.

I hope you have a chance to watch some of these. We have enjoyed them as a family.

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The Problem with Normal

Have you noticed that the word normal sometimes has negative connotations? Many see it as a comforting word like when someone who has gone through a tough time says, “I cannot wait for things to go back to normal.” What is the real meaning of normal? The definition says that normal means conforming to a standard, usual, typical, or expected. Normal implies a lack of deviation from what has been discovered or established as usual or expected.

Problems begin when we try to fit people or things into a limited box like that. Childhood milestones are a good example. There is a list of guideposts for what children should be able to do at what age. Parents don’t always see these as the rough guidelines they are, and they worry that their children aren’t normal because they haven’t met a milestone yet. When talking to parents who have older children, you can learn that children are all different and will probably meet those milestones at their speed.

The next problem is when a society defines what normal is, but as an individual, you don’t fit into that category. You aren’t part of the norm, and you are labeled as different or strange. We have enough problems with self-esteem without always being reminded that we aren’t meeting expectations.

Trying to be normal can stifle our creativity. If we are always afraid of stepping out of the bounds of what is expected as the norm, we might not improve our sensibilities. Stepping out of our comfort zone can help us grow.

So many people try to maintain a mask of being someone they are not because they are afraid if they show who they are, others won’t accept them. Think of all the famous people we admire who made a mark on history because they decided to be their version of normal. Now decide if you want to fit into the normal box, or do you want to be authentic and possibly much more interesting. The choice is yours.

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They Are Watching

Most of us would say there isn’t any reason for others to pay attention to us, but in all areas of our lives, people notice what we do and say. You can be a role model who inspires people or the weaker link that people try not to emulate. Either way, they are watching you all the time. Let me give you a few examples.

When I had children I learned quickly that parenting was a huge responsibility. I was suddenly responsible for the safety and protection of a small human. It was up to me and the community that surrounded us to raise a good person.

I had no idea it would also make me a better person as well. One of the reasons that happens is because your children are always watching you and learning from you. They are taking notes from the way you react to things, and you will be surprised to see it become a domino effect.

When my two oldest were 13 and 16 and the youngest was 3 we had one of those stressful disasters when so many things go wrong you find yourself saying, “You have got to be kidding!”

My husband was away on business, and I was about to start a day when I wouldn’t even have time for lunch. Our morning routine always had to be timed perfectly. First I got my three-year-old ready, then I would wake up the teenagers, take the toddler to daycare, and come pick up the others and take them to school with me.

On this day I had the toddler all set to go, but as I went upstairs to wake the teens I heard my daughter’s door open, and she screamed. Now, since this never meant something good I hurried up the stairs with a toddler close behind me. As I reached the top of the stairs I saw that the dog had pooped everywhere and thrown up behind my son’s door. My teenagers were watching me for my reaction, but all I could think to say was, “I don’t know when I will have time to clean this. I turned, picked up the toddler, and headed off to daycare. When I came back I was shocked to see that they had cleaned up everything. They told me that they were impressed that I had stayed calm.

They are also watching how you treat others. My daughter and I went to McDonald’s for breakfast. We had paid and were standing at the counter waiting for our food when I noticed an older couple struggling to find money to pay for their breakfast. I stepped over and slid my debit card through the machine. The man said, “Oh, thank you!” I replied, “It is my pleasure. Enjoy your breakfast!” He approached our table later and said, “Thank you for doing that. My wife has been sick, and this was the first day she felt like eating.” He gave both of us blessing stones and told us he gave them to people to talk about Jesus. We both carry them in our purses, and I have watched my daughter do many acts of kindness since then.

You can create a domino effect with strangers by your actions. Hold the door for someone and watch that person hold the door for the next person. Buy someone a coffee and see the realization that an act of kindness is something we all need to do.

Everyone is watching you including your colleagues, your partner, and your friends, so do your best to give them a good standard to live up to.

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Saving Sanity as a Parent

Parenting is unlike any other experience in life. You have to learn how to multitask, think quickly on your feet, be flexible but firm, be creative in many different ways, and do it all with much less than the recommended amount of sleep. All the chaos can take a toll on a parent’s mental health, but parents can have an easier time of it if they let a few things go. Here are a few ideas.

Don’t strive for perfection. Parenting is messy and smelly, and what worked well for you yesterday will not work today. You have to constantly reinvent how to parent while holding on to a few classic constants, but perfection is not part of parenting.

Don’t compare yourself to other parents. We have all seen the woman who gave birth last week and is already back in her pre-pregnancy jeans or the man who has all four children under control in the toy section of Walmart. We look at them with awe and say, “How do they do it?” We should all be happy for them but also know you don’t know what other issues they struggle with. You might not want to trade places. Do your best, love your children, keep them safe and cared for and you are already doing a great job.

Let go of the guilt. This is hard for me. When my children were in school, and they struggled with something I immediately blamed myself which is crazy. I think we always wonder if we are doing a good enough job, giving enough of our time, and teaching them enough.

Filter friendly advice. When my daughter gave birth she was terrified that she wasn’t doing things correctly. I was determined not to advise unless asked, but before the birth, I had warned her she would hear some crazy ideas about breastfeeding and baby care. One of her friends told her she might have a problem with breastfeeding and if she didn’t pump as well as breastfeed she might have to go to the hospital. What? My daughter was crying. I calmly said that I didn’t remember everything about caring for a baby, but I did remember that your body would produce what you used the day before, so there was no need to also pump. Don’t listen to all the advice because everyone will have some for you.

Forget about the parenting guides. Every child is unique and responds differently. The milestones are not meant to be exact times, so don’t panic. Discipline techniques will have to vary to fit each situation, and schedules should be according to what fits the best for your family.

Realize that most parents often feel out of control. The trick is to fake it most of the time and appear to be on top of the situation then close your bedroom door and scream into the pillow. Parenting makes you stronger by breaking you over and over and forcing you to figure out how to make it work.

Humor is the best weapon. There are so many memories that seemed awful at the time but are hysterical memories. Find the humor in the situation when parenting becomes overwhelming.

Ask for help. Sometimes you need a break or someone to come spend adult time with you. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need.

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Taming a Toddler’s Tantrums

The toddler years are called the terrible twos for a reason. My daughter expanded this part of development through her fourth year. Toddlers are trying to figure everything out and their brains have not reached the point where they can weigh rational thought, so hunger, pain, fatigue, frustration, and the emotions produced by those things produce some horrific tantrums.

Tantrums are not personal, and your child is not trying to wreck your world, but he is dealing with an inability to express himself, and a tantrum is usually because he is feeling overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to deal with it.

So what causes tantrums? Each child is different, so keep a journal that details what was happening when your child had one. Here are a few common causes.

· The child doesn’t want to do something.

· The child wants something.

· The child is overstimulated. We call it sensory overload.

· If a child is hungry or tired.

· If a child is frustrated or seeking attention.

What can you do when a tantrum begins? Here are a few ideas for things to do and to avoid doing.

· Don’t meet a tantrum with a tantrum. Your child wants to know you are in control, and when he sees you lose control, that feeling of safety slips.

· Don’t try to reason with the child. Think about when you are upset and frustrated. You don’t respond well when someone tells you to calm down.

· Don’t bribe the child to stop or give in to a demand. This sends a bad message that will make things worse later.

· Take a breath and reset before reacting.

· Validate the child’s feelings because those feelings are real to him.

· Be clear that feelings are okay, but there are limits to behavior. Be clear and consistent about behavior.

· Offer choices on how to calm down.

· Distract them.

· If you think it’s for attention, try ignoring them. (Make sure they are safe though)

· If you are in public, leave. I had a full cart of groceries when my daughter dropped to the floor and started pounding her fists and kicking her feet. Everyone was looking at me as if Family Services should be called immediately. I scooped her up, left the cart behind, and headed home. It’s easier to respond calmly when you don’t have an audience.

· Be patient and praise them when the behavior is good. My grandson had just done something we did not want him to do. I told him not to do it, and when he stopped I thanked him. My daughter looked at me and said, “You are so much calmer with him than I am.” Lol, and it only took me three children and one grandchild to be able to do that!

I want you to consider something. What if you look at tantrums as a way to connect with your child? He is feeling out of control, but he sees you being calm, allowing him to feel the emotions, understanding why he is having them, and being a loving presence ready for a hug. What a great opportunity to strengthen the bond.

Here are a few things to do to stop a tantrum before it begins.

· Make sure they are fed and rested.

· Teach them coping skills to help them calm down. Do this when they are calm, not in the middle of a tantrum. These could include listening to music, playing with a pet, looking at books, playing games, or playing outside.

· Maintain a routine.

Give yourself grace if you have had a meltdown once or twice. If it happens, apologize to the toddler. You are showing him that adults make mistakes too. Managing tantrums is not easy, but they will pass, so keep soaking up your time with the little ones.

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Mistakes Can Make You Stronger

Mistakes are never fun, but you have never failed at something as long as you learn something from the mistakes. What are the greatest life lessons you have learned because of something that went wrong? Here are a few of mine.

A failure to fit in. I grew up in a town where there were two very distinct classes. You were wealthy or you were not. My family was not, but when it was my turn to go to school, my parents decided to spend the money to send me to private schools. The weekly bomb threats at the public school had something to do with the decision. I didn’t have expensive clothes or a fancy house. I was oblivious to the difference between myself and most of my classmates until one day when a girl said, “What does your dad do?” I replied, “He owns the local gas station.” She looked at me with utter disgust and said, “What are you doing here?” I answered, “The same thing you are.” I tried to act like it didn’t bother me, but her words hurt.

The failure to fit in made me a better person though. I am kinder because of it, and I do my best to make people feel welcome and included.

Parenting fails. I don’t know of anyone who is the perfect parent, and I’m sure we all make mistakes. I have certainly made my share. I will say though that parenting has taught me patience and the importance of apologizing when I’m wrong. It has also taught me not to judge others when my perfect hat keeps slipping.

Relationship Fiascos. I have had a few unfortunate friend relationships when even though all the signs were there saying it was a toxic relationship I kept trying to make it work. I now know that I need to surround myself with people who I enjoy and admire and who feel the same about me. Life is too short for it to be constantly filled with drama.

There are so many more examples, but I’m sure you see the point that although you might think something you did was a mistake or a failure, it might teach you a valuable life lesson.