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How to Thrive as a Strong Woman

It took me most of my life to realize that my easy-going, passive personality was not always bringing me the life I hoped for, and I needed to become stronger in several areas. Do you consider yourself to be a strong woman? Would you like to be? I can give you some advice that has worked well for me but first let’s talk about what it means to be a strong woman.

You might think you can’t be a strong woman if you are struggling with life and facing challenges. You are a strong woman if you face those challenges and continue to try to figure out how to solve them. Adversity is rarely fun, but it always makes us stronger, and as long as you learn from the struggles instead of allowing them to crush you, you will be better for it. It’s not what happens to you, it’s how you react to it.

A strong woman doesn’t need to compare herself to other women. She is doing the best she can with the resources she has. She doesn’t judge others because she knows everyone is carrying a burden even if we cannot see it, so she offers grace and kindness instead of hate.

A strong woman wants everyone around her to be successful, and she loves opportunities to be an encourager. If she has a problem with you, she will come to you for resolution instead of talking behind your back.

Here are a few pieces of advice to help you thrive as a strong woman.

Create the right crew.

I have had some unfortunate friendships, and each time I knew It was time to walk away, I was very disappointed. I decided it was time to choose friends who had the qualities I admired. We don’t have to wait for friends to come to us. We can find the people we want in our lives.

I wanted friends who were loyal, non-judgmental, genuinely good people who were kind and transparent. I wanted friends who would show up when I needed them knowing I would do the same for them. I wasn’t looking for perfect people. I wanted friends who were transparent about the flaws.

I chose my new friends from the running community because running is one of my passions, and I don’t know many runners who aren’t phenomenal people.

Having the right group of friends can make a huge difference.

Believe you are capable.

A strong woman needs a growth mindset. It doesn’t matter how many times you fail at something if you learn something from failure, and you try again. Rory McIlroy tried for years to win the Masters and finally did it this year. How sad if he had given up thinking he wasn’t good enough.  

Communicate your boundaries.

This is so much more important than you might think. You have to tell people how to treat you. They need to know what is acceptable and what is not. You often have to have the most talks about boundaries with the ones closest to you. When someone is not respecting your boundaries, have a calm conversation with the person and explain what is wrong.

Know your value and claim your space. You have value, people should listen to you and show you respect. There is nothing wrong with explaining to someone calmly they have disrespected you. I was at a 6/12/24 hour ultra marathon. As an older runner, I am sometimes underestimated. I was looking at the 24-hour board to check my time. A woman who was there to support her husband looked at me and said, “This is the 24 board.” I said, “I know.” She looked at me in shock and said, “YOU are doing the 24-hour race?” I said, “Yes, I am, and I’m not sure why you are so surprised but I’m a little insulted.” She apologized. You have to realize people say some stupid things, but it’s okay to call them on it.

I hope these simple ideas help you realize you are stronger than you think and capable of anything.

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Why You Need a Crew

Everyone needs the ride or die friends, even if you only have one. My family was watching the morning news when the question was how many good friends do you need? We all said at once, “One good one!”

When it comes to friends I believe in quality not quantity. We might have lots of Facebook contacts, but not all of them are true friends.

In the running world, when you ask someone to be your crew, you are asking them to support you to find success in a race, usually for a long distance one. They are responsible for finding you food and drink, keeping you focused mentally, and helping you find motivation when you want to quit.

We need a crew who can do the same things in life. When we are having a bad day, a note or a call from our crew can lift our spirits. These are the people who show up when we need it most.

My husband had a mini stroke and when we arrived at the hospital, they rushed him back to the ER because there was a chance the mini stroke was a precursor to a major stroke. I posted a note to my friends asking them for prayers. Several replied saying they were praying but then came the text from my friend Donna. The text said, “I’m outside in the lobby. I’m here to help you with anything you need.” My husband asked me to stay with him, so I couldn’t go out to see her, but I appreciated her showing up so much.

Donna has also been one of my writing cheerleaders. When I started publishing my writing I suffered from imposter syndrome. I was embarrassed to say I was a writer because I wasn’t sure I was good enough. Many people in my inner circle didn’t take my passion for writing seriously, but my friends Donna, Kim, and Hal are always there to support me. Donna and Kim support me with encouraging words, and Hal shows up wherever I am vending my books. These friends helped me arrive at a place where I realized I didn’t need anyone else to believe in me if what I’m doing is my dream and my passion.

I have found a different crew with running. Runners are good people who are encouraging and welcoming. I love being part of the running community. There are a group of strong women runners who support each other and help set goals and meet them together.

Who is your crew?

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Who Makes You Stronger?

We all have influences in our lives including someone who ignites a passion, encourages us to follow a dream, and those that make us stronger. There can be both negative and positive influences in this category, but either way that person did something that made you stronger. Here are a few examples of the type of person who can make you stronger.

The naysayer. This is the person who would be the opposite of a cheerleader. He belittles you, tells you everything you do is wrong by fixing everything the way he thinks it should be, he makes little jabs at you and says he is kidding, but that kind of humor cuts deep. You are not allowed to do anything  that involves him because you won’t do it the way he wants you to. If this sounds familiar you have a choice on how to react. You can be passive and quiet while trying to avoid any emotional storms, or you can become quietly stronger and resilient. Let other people deal with hurt and issues without inflicting that junk on you. You have worth and value and you are capable of anything. Draw your boundaries and fly.

This type of person makes you stronger because you have to learn to cope and find your true identity. You will feel free when you decide that no one has the right to judge you.

Your cheerleader. You don’t need to have a lot of friends you just need a few good ones. When you are struggling, they are there to lift you up and love you. You are stronger because you can lean on them.

Kind words. Words are powerful so whenever anyone has said something uplifting to me, I save it for those hard days. Sprinkle kindness because you never know when someone is going to need your strength.

The toxic people. Instead of being dragged down by hatefulness look deeper to see what causes the behavior. We might see that someone is carrying a heavy burden.

Faith. You might not be a believer, but it has been a constant in my life. It keeps me strong through any trials.

So who has made you stronger? Are you responsible for making someone else strong?

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How to Create a Legacy of Love

Love is a powerful emotion that we all need in our lives, so shouldn’t we do what we can to preserve it in memories? One of my favorite poems, You Should Leave Houses by French author Ronsard, talks about the importance of leaving something of yourself behind. Ronsard keeps his memory alive through his writing, and I want to preserve a memory of love for my family through writing. Let me tell you how I have done it so far.

Write journals detailing your children’s life. When each of my children was born, I started a journal detailing my thoughts about the child, what each child like to do, and anything else to chronicle the life of the child. I made sure to add frequently how much I loved the child, and how proud I was to be the child’s mother. Each child was given the book on their 18th birthday. It was fun to watch each one read what I had written. My oldest daughter has continued the tradition with her son.

Letters upon leaving home. When each of my children left home, I wrote them a letter telling them how happy I was for them, and how excited I was to watch their next adventure. I also gave them a list of all the things I would miss about them living in my house. My oldest wrote a note to me with a list of what she would miss as well as promises of what we would do together still.

Letters of thanks. Gratitude is an important attitude. Anytime you can thank someone for the good the person has brought to your life I think you should do it. On my 6oth birthday, each of my children stood up at my party and read a thank you letter for me being their mom. I framed them.

Create something that shows your love. When my grandson was born I wanted to leave him something that would always remind him how much he was loved by me, so I wrote a series of books about him. The first book talks about what I hope his life is like, the second describes his bond with his grandfather, and the third talks about the special relationship he has with our dog. My husband said, “When Parker’s teacher asks the class to tell her something interesting about each student, Parker can say, there is a series written about me.”

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Great Gifts for Free

When it is time to exchange gifts, we stress ourselves out trying to find what someone will like and that we can afford. We want to gift our loved ones without busting our budget, so what if I told you about 10 gifts you can give for free? Here they are.

A coupon book. Make coupons for services you can provide like babysitting, doing housework, helping with schoolwork, or making dinner. What can you do that someone else needs. Make a coupon for it.

Your time. So many people are lonely. They want to spend time with friends. Invite someone to go for a walk or come to dinner. Your time is a precious gift.

Prayer. I believe in the power of prayer and positive thinking, and praying for someone means you care and value that person.

Give compliments. We don’t gift people like this enough even though it is one of the easiest gifts to give. Tell someone you like an outfit, or that you admire something he has done. A compliment has the power to lift spirits.

Help someone. Clean a neighbor’s yard, bring someone food, ask what someone needs, and do what you can to help.

Volunteer. You won’t have any trouble finding organizations that need volunteers. You can serve food at a local mission, work for the church, offer to help at the library, or play with the dogs at the pound.

Have fun coming up with more gifts that are free. A great gift doesn’t have to be expensive.

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10 Ways to Stay Out of Your Own Way

Do you tear yourself down better than anyone else? Do you not do something that you would love to do because you are afraid of failure? If you say yes you need to know that you are not alone, and that we often are the ones who hold ourselves back, but there are some ideas to help you stay out of your own way. Here are a few that I hope will help you.

Practice an I can attitude. When I was teaching, mastery in a subject was measured with I can statements. We can do the same in life. When you start to feel your self-esteem slipping, list all the things you can do. When you put your strengths on paper you start to realize that you are stronger than you think. Believing you can do something is the first step in achieving it.

Do an energy check. Ask yourself where you are spending your energy. Are there energy drainers in your life? Are there ways to eliminate them? Are there tasks that you can delegate to others? Remember a good leader delegates and guides instead of micromanaging. Do the same thing at home. When you give some of the responsibilities to others it will free up your time to do other things you enjoy.

Slow down. I am wired to always be doing something. I have trouble sitting down and resting because I feel guilty that I am not being productive. Everywhere I look though I see that rest and sleep are key to our general health. Slow down and enjoy your moments.

Drop your mask. Are you afraid to be yourself because others might not like what they see? Being transparent will set you free. People often are more comfortable when they know you have imperfections just like they do. Being someone you are not is exhausting, and will only hold you back.

Take risks. Is there something you would like to do but you worry about judgment if you fail? Bravery doesn’t mean not being afraid. It means you did something anyway even though you are afraid.

Don’t play the comparison game. Be grateful for your blessings and realize that imperfection is more interesting and involves inspirational stories. Imperfection also lies right below the surface of the people you emulate. You might not want to carry that person’s burdens.

Be your best friend. Change your self-talk to be only positive, and treat yourself the way you would treat your best friend.

Be a good listener. Most people are horrible listeners. We interrupt a speaker to insert our own story. Listening is a chance to learn, and it allows us to show empathy. Good communication means you have to listen.

Control your emotions. Releasing your emotions and expressing your feelings is important for our health, but allowing negative emotions to overwhelm us can cause issues for us. Fight frustration because it is wasted energy. Anger can cause issues. Walk away from the situation and breathe.

Movement is a must. You can choose any form of movement. Running for me is the ultimate healer. When I am running, I feel a sense of peace. I can work out problems and generate ideas.

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A Peek inside a mother’s life

We all know that being a mother is a tough job that requires all your mental, physical, and emotional strength. We need to remember that mom’s need to share what they are experiencing, and they need encouragement and a hug occasionally. Let me give you a peek into a mom’s life when everything did not go according to plan.

My daughter has an 18-year-old stepson, a 17-year-old stepdaughter, and a three-year-old son with autism. One day last week, she was fighting the perfect storm when everything goes wrong at once. I received several calls that day that revealed the following.

  • The three-year-old’s ear had swelled up, and they thought it might be an allergy to peanut butter which is the only thing he likes to eat besides yogurt.
  • The 18-year-old received a concussion on Friday and hid it from his coach and parents because he wanted to hang out with his girlfriend on Sunday. The crazy began to percolate in my daughter, and reached the boiling point when her husband said the trainer said it wasn’t a big deal, so they shouldn’t worry. She called asking me what the protocol at my school for concussions was, and after hearing how it should have been handled, she made a doctor’s appointment Monday morning. She also wanted advice on how to deal with the stepson’s repeated deception.
  • On Monday, she had 50 packages to ship out while entertaining a toddler by herself while her husband took the stepdaughter to school, the stepson to the doctor, returned his son home, then went back for his daughter to take her to the university for dual enrollment classes. After that he would return to the toddler to take him to speech therapy.
  • The dog was ill and could not stand up.
  • Something was wrong with the washing machine, and it smelled horrible. Of course, there were at least five loads of laundry to be done.
  • The stepdaughter wants to stay permanently with them instead of staying part of the week with her mom, but she doesn’t know how to tell her mom, and Jess must stay out of it even though she would like to give the mom a piece of her mind.

With all this going on, she barely whispered to me, “Mom, I have nothing left. I’m going to break.” I asked her what she needed, and she asked if we could bring lunch and stay with her for a few minutes. We brought lunch, and my husband fixed the washer.

Last week, my husband and I were at the park with the three-year-old and a young woman started to talk with me. Her two-year-old grabbed my hand and wouldn’t let go. She told me that she had no idea how hard it would be to be a mother. She also said she was so grateful for her son. She told me that her son had attached himself to me because I looked like his grandmother. As we walked, she told me her story. Her mother used to babysit Daniel a lot until one day she was pushing him in his stroller and a car hit them. The mother had a brain bleed and a broken leg. Daniel was unharmed. Her mother does not remember anything about what happened, and her life has changed dramatically. I could hear the sadness in the young woman’s voice. I hope we will continue to see her at the park, and perhaps we can help in some way.

Remember to show appreciation to the mom’s you know, help out when you can, and be free with your hugs.

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How to Make Connections

I start every day with a simple prayer that goes like this, “Let me build people up with my words, and not tear them down. Let me treat others with kindness and understanding and show people love. I hope I can strengthen the connections I have and make new ones.”

Our connections with each other are powerful forces in our lives. Our links to others can help us in life, and we never know when a connection can change our lives. Making these connections is not easy for everyone, so here are a few ideas to try.

  • Talk to people. This sounds obvious, but I see people so often who do not want to interact. They have the headphones on, and their eyes are down. They have closed themselves off from any interaction. Everyone has a choice to have time to themselves, or interact with others, but if you are always closed to that interaction, you may be missing out on a great conversation, or a connection that might lead to a friendship.

I met my friend Sally at the gym. We were in a kickboxing class together. She approached me, told me she saw me running all the time and asked me if I would start going to races with her. She said she wanted to be in better shape and meet more people. We were complete strangers, but I thought, “Why not?”. We found a local race and went together. We have been racing together for about ten years now, and we are great friends. She also helped me because I had stopped racing. Sally helped me rejoin a community of great people.  

Making connections with simple conversations might help someone who is struggling. You never know when someone needs to be heard, seen, or share a personal story. That conversation might be a lifeline.

  • Use old friends to find new ones. Runners are the best type of people. They are positive, goal-oriented, and they are encouragers. I decided I needed to be more focused on surrounding myself with more people like that, so I began making more of an effort to meet runners through running friends. I did the same thing on social media by friend requesting people who were friends with good friends of mine. The result has been wonderful. I am surrounded by positivity and encouragement.
  • Let people know you remember them. There are people we might meet briefly through travel, or activities. Sometimes these people did something kind for us, and everyone wants to be seen, remembered, and thanked.

I realized how true this is on our return trip from Paris. I am an absolute mess in the airport. I become nervous, none of the machines seem to work for me, (user error), and I know the stress is written on my face.

A year ago, we arrived at the airport, and we were standing in front of the kiosk. A young man asked in French, “Do you need help?” I answered, “Always!” He then took our passports, scanned everything, put the tags on our bags, and led us to the counter to drop off our bags.

Today, we were at the kiosk, and the same man was in front of me, asking the same question. I told him he had helped us last year and I was grateful for him. He looked surprised and said, “You remember me?” I assured him I did and he turned to his colleague and said, “She remembered me!” He helped us to do everything again including opening up a special line so we could go straight to the counter. I watched him tell two more people what I said. He was so excited. Imagine how many complaints people in the service industry hear, and how few thank yous. When you remember someone, you make them feel special.

  • Sign up for some activities. Go where people are and have some fun while you are there. Find something fun to do where you can meet some new people. My daughter and granddaughter go to a neighborhood bingo game at the local Mexican restaurant. Our local pizza place hosts a trivia night every Thursday. You can join a walking or running club, take some classes at the local Y, take painting classes, or look into continuing education at a nearby university.
  • Use social media. When I notice someone who posts regularly on a friend’s timeline in a positive way, I consider friend requesting that person. Social media can help us reach out farther than our own area.
  • Reconnect. Don’t forget to keep old connections fresh. Take some time to reach out and check in to see how those you love are doing.
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Make a Love Board

Make a Love Board

Most people have heard about vision boards where you place pictures of things you want in your life, and you write goals for your future. It’s a way to put your dreams for your future into the universe. It puts our goals in front of us and keeps us focused on our priorities.

A love board can be just as important. When you make a love board, you fill it with notes of affirmation, encouragement and love. Words are powerful, and kind words filled with love can be exactly what we need on a hard day.

When I was teaching, our administrators would randomly leave words of affirmation for teachers. I remember arriving at my classroom door one morning when I was struggling, and on my door was a note that said, “You’re all that and a bag of chips.” It made me laugh, started my morning off on a good note, and turned my day around. There were also notes to encourage us to lift each other up. The notes said things like, “Be someone’s rainbow.” Or “Be the reason someone smiles today.” As teachers, we were expected to write two letters of affirmation to students in our classes. Everyone needs encouragement.

There is another positive element to making a love board. Each time you write a note of love or encouragement, it lifts your spirits. What can be better than an action that benefits both people involved.

You can make the love board in a variety of ways. Here are some examples.

  • Put up a bunch of colorful post it notes. Fill a few in so others get the idea, and leave the rest blank for others to fill in. Address each one to a person or group. Here are a few examples. Jeremy, I admire your kindness. Trish, thank you for always being a good friend.
  • Post notes that you have received that are filled with encouragement and love. You can also post pictures of memories that make you feel good. When you have a tough day, you can look at this board to feel better.

This is a great exercise to do in a class, or at the workplace. Have everyone fill out at least four post it notes with something positive about someone. If you want to make sure no one is left without a note, put everyone in a circle and write 4 notes about the person to your right.

I hope you have fun with the love board. If you want to start out small, just leave notes for the people who need them.

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10 Reasons Not to Give Up

Life can throw us curve balls when we least expect it and have you ever noticed that those curveballs seem to come in multiples? No matter what the challenge is, when you feel as if you are defeated, and your energy and spirit are low, don’t give up. Here are ten reasons why.

Something wonderful might be about to happen.

I have a sign on my desk that says always believe something wonderful is about to happen. Imagine if you have had a disappointment or heartbreak in your life, and you allow it to paralyze you. What if you had held on and persevered until something amazing happened to you? I believe in positive energy and that we can make good things come our way by believing it is possible. We certainly don’t have anything to lose by practicing that thinking.

Adversity makes you stronger.

Every failure I have experienced and all the rough moments have taught me important lessons and made me stronger. It isn’t fun to fail or go through tough times, but it can teach you important lessons about life and give you grit and resilience.

You have more power than you think.

We cannot always choose what happens to us, but we can choose how to react. The fact that you have choices on how you approach a situation gives you power.

Someone needs you.

You might not think this is true, but at least one person needs your help. It could be someone who needs to hear your message, needs your support, or needs someone who cares enough to listen. You never know when a simple act of kindness, or a positive word can impact someone.

There are resources to help you.

No matter what you are going through there is help out there. Don’t hesitate to reach out for it.

An attitude change might make a difference.

If you listen to your self-talk is it all doom and gloom? Turn the negatives into positives and see what happens.

There is always a plan b.

You need to know how to pivot and approach a problem differently when you deal with life’s ups and downs. When something goes wrong find another way to make it right.

Your perception can be adjusted.

How we look at a situation can change things dramatically and I don’t mean being positive instead of negative. I am blessed with a husband who is my voice of reason. I will be upset about a situation, and he gives me a whole different perception of what is going on that always leaves me saying, “Why didn’t I see that?” Ask yourself if you could see what is going on from a different angle or ask for someone else’s perception.

You have a gift/purpose.

You might not realize it, but you have a gift that this world needs. It might be your infectious laugh, sarcasm, brilliant smile, work ethic, kindness, or a million other things, but I guarantee you have value and are important.

Life is like a roller coaster.

There are highs and lows, bumps, and smooth spots in life. You need to hold out to make it to the sweet spots. If life were always easy we wouldn’t have any interesting stories to tell.