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Why Would a Woman Not Leave an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?

Emotional abuse comes in many forms. The abuser may show excessive anger, have dark moods, need to control and possess, belittle and berate. If you always feel like you are walking on eggshells, you are never right, you can’t have a discussion without explosive emotion, or you can’t be yourself, then you are being emotionally abused.

So, if someone is experiencing an emotional relationship why would she not leave? Although common sense tells you that if you realize you are in a relationship with an abuser, you should end the relationship immediately, it can be more complicated than that. Here are some reasons why a woman stays even though she shouldn’t.

The abuser has another side. I have a friend who tells me when she started dating her husband, she would describe him as gentle, loving and funny. Abusers are master manipulators and can be very charming. After the marriage, she saw another side of his personality. He would change anything she had done in the house and berate her for doing it wrong. Once she had tried to paint a kitchen cabinet and after he had yelled at her for doing it, he turned to his teenage son and said with a condescending smile, “Can you believe she did that?”

Her abuser was so charming in public that many people would tell her how lucky she was to be married to such a wonderful man, but she wished she could tell them what he was like at home.

The abuser steals your value. After being told she couldn’t do anything on her own, my friend began to believe it. Her husband didn’t want her to wash his clothes or do the cooking because he told her she wasn’t good at it. I told her to let him do all those things because it gave her more time to do what she wanted.  

She questions the situation

An abuser can switch the guilt around to the victim so that the victim questions her reality, wondering if she is being overdramatic even when she has tons of evidence of the abuse.

She cannot afford to leave

This is one of the main reasons many women stay because they don’t think they can survive without the abuser. I told my daughters to make sure they were never financially dependent on a man, but this can be very scary for a woman who knows leaving is the right thing to do, but money has become the shackle that keeps her in the relationship.

I hope if you are in an abusive relationship, you will find help in what ever form you need. Talk with people you trust and research community resources. Life is too short to not be happy.

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How to Make The Ten Most Important People list

How to Make the Top Ten Important List for Someone

I heard someone yesterday say that a certain person was on her top ten list of important people in her life and I began to wonder who my top ten would be and what qualities or actions would guarantee that you would make someone’s list. Of course, everyone is different, but I picked a few things that I think are important factors for someone to play a pivotal role in your life.

Show up

When someone shows up for you, that person shows you that you are valued and supported. I know that feeling when a friend walks through the door or calls and you know that you are important to that person. I had a student whose mom died. I showed up at the wake and she said, “Madame, you came!” There are certain people and situations when I will show up no matter what and that was one of them. An important person on my list would do the same.

Listen

When was the last time someone really listened to you without turning the narrative to him or her? Most people don’t hear you because they are too busy talking about themselves. To be on someone’s ten most important list, you need to listen. Listening doesn’t have to be solving issues, but listening gives someone the chance to share burdens and once they are released, healing can begin.

Prove someone’s value

Show people you believe in them, and you think they are worthy of doing great things. Maybe ask them to do something epic together because you know that person’s grit will make you better. When I was a senior in high school, my English teacher pulled three of us out in the hall and asked us if we wanted to take the Advanced Placement English test. I didn’t know what this test was because it had only started several years before (I’m so old!), and we had not been trained for it, but if Mr. Chaffee thought I could do it, then I was going to do it. The man who told me I was a good writer is definitely on my list as well as the French teacher in college who pulled three of us out and asked if we wanted to do U-Conn’s study abroad program. That teacher’s actions and belief in me changed my life.

Make someone laugh

Being funny is one of the best qualities to have because life can be tough and if you can help people see humor in a difficult situation you should be on a few lists.

Be a defender/advocate

I have several friends that I know would be by my side in a heartbeat if I needed them, and oh, lord, they would defend me well if you wronged me. Friends like that need to be on the list. My husband had the type of stroke that precedes a bigger stroke, but thankfully we were able to get him to the hospital before the second stroke hit. I believe in the power of prayer, so I sent a text to my prayer warriors telling them what happened and asking for prayers. My friend Donna was the one who showed up to the hospital in minutes and all she asked was, “what can I do? Tell me what you need.” That is list material right there.     

What actions or qualities do you think are necessary to be on the most important list?

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5 Ways for Parents to thrive

5 Ways to Thrive as a Parent

Don’t you wish there was a foolproof guidebook for those tricky parenting moments? When I discovered I was pregnant, I read all the books and I thought I was ready, but I had no idea what a roller coaster experience I was going to have. I remember telling the doctor that I couldn’t get my daughter on a schedule. He tried not to laugh while he told me that babies make their own schedules. That was only the beginning of figuring everything out along the way.

Most days I thought I was doing a terrible job, I was terrified that my daughter would not survive my attempts at parenting, and I compared myself to those women who were impeccably dressed while I usually had spit up on my shoulder. Those women seemed to handle parenting with ease and elegance while I could barely remember my name as I stumbled around in a sleep deprived daze.

I wish someone would have given me a hug and told me it would be okay. I’m here to tell that today to anyone who needs to hear it. Here are five basic rules of parenting that will make your life easier.

  • United we stand and consistency. Children can smell the weak link a mile away, so if you are parenting with a partner work together not separately. Your child will try to play you against each other, so a united front is crucial. Decide together what consequences are appropriate and stick to that decision. This technique will continue no matter how old your child is. I’ll give you an example. My adult nephew came to stay with us while he went to school for his masters. The first night he came, he caused an uproar that was not acceptable for us. Before I went to talk to him, I went to my husband’s office to make sure we were on the same page. We both agreed on the consequences and when I went to talk to him, I threw in standing at his door in silence while giving him the stank look.

             If you are a single parent, discipline the same way consistently, so your child knows      

            what to expect. When my children were younger, I rarely had to tell them what the   

            punishment was. They would say, “I know. I’m grounded.”

  • Teach them that actions have consequences. One of my hardest disciplinary decisions was when my daughter partied her way through her first year of college and ended up on academic probation. When she finished her fourth year, I told her I had promised to pay for four years, so she could pay for the fifth. She told me later that my decision had been a good lesson, but it was rough on my emotions.
  • Stay calm. This one was hard for me and I’m ashamed to say I did a lot of yelling, but eventually I realized that everything went much better when I was the calm in the eye of the storm. Instead of allowing your emotions to take over, take a deep breath, decide what you can control and let go of the rest.
  • Always have a plan b. If you asked me what qualities does a parent need to survive, I would say a good sense of humor, kindness, creativity, resiliency, and flexibility. There will be so many times when you have everything planned perfectly, and then you watch those plans all dissolve in chaos. Be ready to pivot!
  • Keep everyone fed and rested. I’m talking about you too. Parenting is hard work, so you need to be properly fueled. Carry snacks with you. Even during our last trip, my 39-year-old daughter said, “Mom, what do you have for snacks.”  

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Handling The People Who Are Not Clapping for You

I would love to think my family and friends would always be my biggest cheerleaders, but that hasn’t been the case. It took me a while to realize there are all sorts of reasons and emotions behind this.

Your success might make some people uncomfortable whether it’s because of jealousy or insecurity, these people don’t want to experience your excitement. The worse case is when someone close to you feels the need to attack your dreams. This might be done through verbal jabs or questioning what you are doing on your path to success. Don’t allow those arrows to hit the mark. They are coming from someone to insecure to support you. Keep moving forward towards fulfilling what you love to do.

Here are a few things to do on your journey to success.

  • Find your cheerleaders. I have several friends who are always there to convince me I am on the right path. They want to see me succeed as much as I want the same for them. Your cheerleaders might not be actual family, but they will lift you up as if they were.
  • Ignore the doubters with their negativity. When you are doubting yourself, it doesn’t help when others start questioning your dreams. As a writer, I have not discovered how to kill it financially, so I fend off questions like, “Why are you doing this?”, “This is just a hobby, right?” Those questions are not helpful, so ignore them and carry on. I had to speak up when a family member had thrown too many barbs. I said, “I need you to stop talking to me that way. I have written 12 books. I just haven’t figured out how to market them yet.” He was very surprised and apologized.
  • Know who you can share your dreams with. Many people close to you don’t care about your dreams even though if they care about you, they should also care about your dreams. There are also people who will be interested in your journey and who will ask questions about your dreams. There was a gymnast whose father told him not to talk about the great things he was going to do. Instead, he should just do them.
  • Use the haters as fuel for motivation. I asked a family member a question about filling out my monthly taxes and he asked me why they would care about receiving such a small amount. It was asked with a dose of hatefulness, and at that moment I decided to work harder on selling my books to prove my ability to this person. Prove the haters wrong.

If you are passionate about something you should continue doing it even when you feel alone in your pursuit.

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The Power of Failure

How your reaction to adversity changes everything.

I used to fear failure. What would people say? How would they judge me? Would I be embarrassed? I felt all of those negative emotions many times until I realized how good failure is for me. I can fail a million times and as long as I learn from the experience and find a way to grow and succeed, I will always come out better. I can make those moments even better by being transparent about my failures and sharing them instead of hiding them in shame. Maybe I can make someone else see the possibilities if I can share how I moved on after a failure. Here are a few examples of how failures have taught me valuable lessons.

I practiced Go Juru karate for six years and I learned more about myself and life than I would have imagined, but many of those lessons were brutal both mentally and physically. The dojo I was in was full contact which meant on Saturday, (sparring day), you were going to be pummeled by the other students. There were three black belts who were massive, burly, scary men. I used to call them the oak trees. Fighting them was terrifying, and I often did not fare well. I remember my oldest daughter had come toward the end of class to take me to lunch. I was about to fight the biggest of the oak trees when I heard my daughter start yelling from the waiting room. “Mommy, don’t do it! No do not fight him!”  When class was over, she tried to convince me to never do that again.

Although I was terrified most days, karate taught me to face my fears and do something even when it scared me. My favorite oak tree told me once I was fearless. I know my mouth was open in surprise when I said, “I am very afraid before I fight.” He replied, “Yes, but you do it anyway.” The many times I had to get back up after being knocked down gave me confidence and it taught me resilience.

I remember the first time I saw someone doing kata which is a series of movements that incorporates important techniques for each belt level. I told myself I would never be able to do that. I practiced and made every mistake possible, but gradually I mastered it. The experience with kata taught me that anything is possible if you want it bad enough and you are willing to work at it. It also taught me that frustration is wasted energy. I used that knowledge in my classroom teaching when one of my best students had a meltdown because she was trying to master a French skill. Frustration is wasted time that you could use to be focusing on your mastery.

My daughter took a job after college that paid well but made her miserable. She was so anxious that she had to take medication. One day, she decided she had to make a change, and she began her own at home sales. Her boyfriend at the time saw this as a failure. Why would she quit her respectable job to do something risky? My daughter took that perceived failure and used it to fuel her drive to succeed. She has been so successful that after ten years of being in business she was able to allow her husband to retire and stay home with their young son.

Don’t let failure hold you down. Some of the most amazing people have been failing their whole lives, but they keep moving forward to make it work. Share your failures with others, and I guarantee they will share their stories. Brainstorm together for success.

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The Mental Strength to Move Forward

 I wrote 101 Tips to Lighten Your Burden because I wanted to help some of the many people who struggle with mental health every day. I hoped I could provide some inspiration to show people the possibilities and the light when they only saw despair and darkness.

I knew I wanted to start the book with how to be in a good place mentally to make it easier for everyone to be able to move forward toward the best life possible. Here are the concepts that begin the book.

You are wonderfully made. Everyone has both weaknesses and special qualities. Don’t try to be anything other than your true self. Your real friends are those who love you exactly as you are. Focus on those strengths that make you shine and improve in areas where you want to be better.

Believe you can. Your beliefs become your reality. At the beginning of each semester, I did an exercise with my students to show them the power of negative and positive thoughts. I would ask for a volunteer and then tell the volunteer that he should hold his arm out at shoulder level and repeat, “I will not drop my arm.” After the student repeated this several times, I would tell him I was going to try to pull his arm down, but he shouldn’t let me. I was never able to make him lower his arm. I then asked him to raise his arm again, but this time I told him to say, “I can’t keep my arm up.” This time when I pulled on the arm, the arm dropped immediately. I wanted my students to realize that their energy could affect the outcome of their efforts.

Do not compare yourself to others. Be careful when you find yourself wishing you were like someone else because you don’t know what hidden burdens that person has. Be the best person you can be and celebrate your success as well as the success of those around you. Be grateful for your blessings and realize that imperfection is more interesting and involves inspirational stories.

Do not allow anyone to limit you.  Even your family and friends can hold you back when they don’t think your dreams are realistic. When I told my husband I wanted to be a writer, he told me he wanted to be a pro golfer but that wasn’t going to happen either. I had to draw some boundaries for his attitude about my writing, and he is now supportive of what I am doing. If you love to do something, move forward and prove the haters wrong.

When I was forty-two, I wanted to have a third child. When I mentioned this to others, the reactions were always negative and included comments about my age, how old I would be when my child graduated high school, and the potential for health problems because I was an older mother. I ignored the comments and had my daughter who is the light of my life. I would have missed out on so much joy if I had listened to others.

These are the basics of working on staying strong mentally. Once you can master these tips, you can move forward to use the next set.

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What’s Life without a few scars and brokenness?

Do you allow toxic thoughts to slip in that tell you what a mess you are and how broken you have become? First, let me assure you that you are not the only one to have those thoughts, but they can cause us harm, but there are ways to turn those thoughts around because your mess and your brokenness are all a matter of perception, so here are a few things to remember, and some action steps to take to go from feeling broken to glorious.

Change your thinking. One of the reasons I wrote this article was because I was lying in bed this morning thinking that I really was a mess then I started to argue with myself by finding a few positives about my messy self. I know I am not the only one to struggle with staying positive about myself. Our mind rules the day, so if we can control how we think, we can change a lot. Switch any negative thoughts to positives and see the difference it makes. Tell yourself you are pretty darn wonderful until you believe it yourself.  

List the good things. What are your best qualities? Are you kind? Loyal? Easy to be with? Make a list.

What have your scars and failures done for you? I am a true believer that the more you fail, the more you learn, and sometimes those failures leave mental and physical scars. I have the most scars from parenting, teaching, and karate. Parenting taught me unconditional love, forgiveness and the importance of boundaries, teaching taught me the importance of relationships, and karate taught me that I should never give up because persistence pays off, I should recognize toxic behavior sooner, and just because someone is the person in charge doesn’t mean he should be. If you never fail you will miss out on some valuable lessons.

What are your most glorious stories? Think about those times when you triumphed and it felt glorious. Write them down and relive that feeling. The first one that came to mind for me was when I was an advocate for my oldest daughter. She had started to go to the special education class during reading time because she was below reading level. She started to tell me that the teacher was yelling at them. I told her that a teacher should never yell, but maybe she had a bad day. Then, she came home and told me the teacher called her a liar. I arranged a meeting for the next day, and I made sure the teacher knew what I thought about her methods.

Keep rising up and bring someone with you. It doesn’t matter how many times you mess up. You have a fresh start every day. Hold yourself together with a sense of humor and a refusal to quit. When you figure something out, share the secret with someone else.

Be happy with who you are. I have been a people pleaser most of my life then suddenly I decided I needed to draw some boundaries to protect my peace. I’m happy with who I am and I’m not going to beg someone to be my friend. Don’t worry what others think of you. Deflect the arrows of the people who think they know what is best for you.

I hope these ideas help you to turn the thoughts around to see how glorious you are!

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Moments That Mattered as a Parent

I know the power of sharing experiences. We often feel that we are alone in our struggles, and as parents, we frequently ask ourselves if we made the right decision. Hearing the experiences of other parents is helpful, whether those experiences reinforce the feeling that we did something right, offer us alternatives for next time, or help us laugh at situations. I am going to pose some questions, give you my response, and encourage you to respond as well, either in the comments, through a discussion with others, or only in your thoughts.

What were some of your sweetest moments as a parent?

  • I loved it when my babies fell asleep on my chest. Even though there were a million things I should do while they were sleeping, I knew these moments were special.
  • Each child developed special interests, and I enjoyed seeing how happy they were when they were doing them. My oldest likes to travel, the middle child loves bugs and photography, and the youngest loved going to a local lake with a net and bowl to catch baby turtles and salamanders.
  • When I would read to them at night, I would start to fall asleep, and they would say, “Mommy, you need to go to bed!”
  • On my 60th birthday, my family gave me a party, and my children told me why they were thankful I was their parent. Considering they told me many times that I was ruining their lives, I appreciated their words.

What were some of your hardest moments as a parent?

  • Sometimes I knew that discipline was the right thing to do, but it was so hard to do. I knew I had to do it, though, because they needed to learn that actions have consequences.
  • Finding out when they had done something wrong was always tough.
  • Seeing all three struggle with depression was gut-wrenching.
  • Although I am thankful that all three are happy, it was hard to have them leave home to start their lives.
  • When my husband was battling addiction and traveling constantly to hide it. I felt like a single parent, and I felt very alone.

When did you sound or act like your parents?

  • I swore I would never worry as much as my mom, but I worry about everything.
  • I know I said, “After everything we have done for you!” at least once.

What do you think you have taught your children?

  • Resilience
  • Be kind
  • Do what’s right
  • Have a good work ethic.

It’s your turn now. How would you answer these questions?

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The Importance of Sharing Your Journey

You know all the struggles you have experienced, or those issues life has thrown your way that you are afraid to reveal? Being transparent about them could help a lot of people who are dealing with similar things. It makes them realize there is hope, and it helps them feel less alone. Your transparency will also help you know that many others are dealing with burdens just like yours.

I don’t usually post about my mental struggles because I don’t want to burden anyone, but a recent experience taught me how wrong I was. Three years ago, I had my first A-fib episode (irregular heartbeat). After many tests and a short time taking a beta blocker, I went two years without any episodes. Unfortunately, the episodes started again recently and became more frequent. I had to go back to my cardiologist, who prescribed a stronger medication and did more heart tests. On top of that, I received a call from my dermatologist saying that I needed another Mohs surgery on my face for skin cancer. It will be the third one in several months. At the same time, I managed to tear my meniscus, and as an avid runner, I know that means I cannot run until it heals. Throw a few personal struggles in, and I had the perfect storm.

I reached out on social media and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. The posts of love and positivity were wonderful, but there was another outcome to my post that made me realize it was the right thing to do. Friends started texting and calling to tell me about struggles they were also experiencing. They had been holding their feelings inside because they were afraid of judgment. They told me they were glad to be able to share with someone.

We often think we are the only ones experiencing something, and we wonder why we cannot find a solution. When we see someone else whom we admire fighting the same battle, it eases our feelings of inadequacy.

When you share your journey, you might have some insight from your experience that could help someone else. You could be much much-needed inspiration.

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Keep Your Weapons Sharp

Do you ever feel like life is a war where you are only doing your best to survive? Those are the days when you need to know what your weapons are, and what is the best way to use them.

I’m not talking about guns and swords, or other methods of violence. I’m talking about words and actions you can use to protect your peace, motivate yourself, and find happiness. Here are a few ideas that work for me.

Remember, you have more power than you think in your interactions. You might not be able to choose what happens to you or some of the situations you encounter, but you always have the choice on how to respond.

There are certain personality types where someone loves to argue, so you will walk away from these arguments shaking your head and asking yourself what just happened. These people love drama, and they will take any excuse to engage in it. Your weapon in this case is to not engage. Have a set of phrases ready that give a non-committal response.  If you jump in with both feet, you will come out bloodied emotionally. Rest in the assurance that proving you are right is not worth it.

You have to draw boundaries to show people how to treat you. There should be no discussion except for a clear description of what those boundaries are. If the boundaries are not respected, it’s time to distance yourself.

You need to take time to heal. Every warrior needs to take time to regroup, rest, and recharge. You will always come back stronger if you take time to heal. Do what fills you and gives you peace. Movement of any kind has always helped me. I also find peace through reading, writing, and music.

Realize that someone’s opinion doesn’t have to be the truth. Have you ever been in a situation when someone criticizes you and you start to ask yourself if you would act that way even though the claim is outlandish? Just because someone has an opinion about you, it doesn’t mean it’s true, so carry on with your bad self.

There are so many situations that can steal our peace, so sharpen your weapons before you need them, so that when the need arises, you are prepared.