Jennifer’s writing

I hear comments all the time of someone who is feeling defeated and has decided to throw in the towel and give up. Either someone or life has convinced him that he cannot succeed or should stop trying to do something. I would encourage you to find resilience and not to give up, and here is why.

The Everyday Health website says resilience is the ability to withstand adversity and bounce back from difficult life events. It is important because it gives people the strength needed to process and overcome hardship. Those lacking resilience get easily overwhelmed and may turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, resilient people tap into their strengths and support systems to overcome challenges and work through problems.

Dr. Ken Ginsberg developed the 7 Cs of resilience which are learning competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping, and control. Learning competence is finding your resources to learn what you need to know to accomplish your goals. Confidence is believing you can and having a positive attitude about challenges, a connection is building a support group who can be your cheerleaders, character is the ability to be tough enough to not give up, and to rise up again no matter how many times you fall, a contribution is being involved in your community and being an inspiration for someone else, coping is finding positive, healthy ways to deal with the challenges, and control is the fact that you have the power to run your life.

Dr. Carine Nzodom gives these suggestions on building resilience.

Allow yourself to feel a wide range of emotions.

Identify your support system and let them be there for you.

Verywell Mind author Kendra Cherry says,

Find a sense of purpose in your life that will boost you up on difficult days.

Build positive beliefs in your ability.

Be optimistic

Establish reasonable goals

Kira M. Newman at the University of California says to face your fears and challenge yourself. Cultivate forgiveness by letting go of grudges and letting yourself off the hook.

In my own life resilience has come in not always listening to limiting voices. Running is a passion for me and my coping mechanism. About six years ago I strained my knee very badly because I refused to listen to messages my body was sending me, and one day, a shooting pain ripped through my knee, and I could barely walk. I went to a wonderful orthopedist who unfortunately thought running was harmful and runners were stupid. (He told me this within the first five minutes of meeting him) I had to have four weeks of physical therapy, and at my last appointment, he told me my running days, at least distance running days were over. I was very nervous about running for about a month, but it is something that gives me so much joy, I knew I had to keep doing it. Not only did I continue to run, but I also started to run more distance, and now my favorite race is the ultra-marathon (anything longer than 26.2 miles) I do all the exercises I was given in physical training and my knees feel great. What if I had let an opinion limit me?

Another example of resilience was more emotional. I had worked for a long time on a manuscript and had a potential publisher, but when I sent in the final draft, the manuscript was rejected, and the comments that came with the rejection were warranted, but they stung. I was devastated and my friend Kim said, “It is one voice, Jen. Don’t let it defeat you. Figure out how you are going to make it work.” Those were the words I needed to hear and after a lot of reworking of the manuscript, I resent it out and it was accepted for publication. If I had given up that would never have happened.

There are certain attitudes and actions that are resilience killers. Here are a few.

Excuses (You are too old, your joints hurt, too tired, you are afraid of judgment, it’s too hard…)

Fear

Negative attitude

A pity party

Woodrow Wilson said, “The difference between a strong man and a weak one is that the former does not give up after a defeat.”

Although it doesn’t always seem that way, you are in charge of your life and what you do with it. Why would you not want to live it fully, or give up on anything halfway through the journey?

I have a sign near my desk that says, “It’s only impossible until you do it.” Good luck changing your impossibles into possibles.

I have a friend who said that his family went to Disney once a year for vacation. He said it didn’t matter if they could afford it or not any given year because they were going to go regardless. At first, I thought that was a bad idea if you didn’t have enough money to spend, but then I realized why the vacation was so important. He was making memories with his family, and their time together as a family would be experiences and stories that they would talk about the rest of their lives. Those memories would be priceless. I decided to read more about the role that memories play in our lives, and here is what I found.

Memories are connections

Memories connect us with each other when we can share past events with each other and say, “Remember when?” It can create a unique connection between the people involved, a bond that only the people involved can share. It forms a link between generations and cultures where the older generation can share their experiences with the younger generation. It allows us to pass down important elements of culture so they will not be lost.

Memories are our identities

Your memories are unique to you, and they are a way to share with others important elements about what and who made you who you are. Where you grew up, where you went to school, what your friends were like, what experiences you had all work together to form you. When you share those memories, you share yourself with others.

Memories can ease grief

When someone we love dies, the memories we have of the person can ease the pain as we look back on all the special moments we were blessed to have. We can laugh and share good times we had with this person.  

Memories help us move forward

Memories help us to take what we have learned from both failure and success and improve from the past.

Make as many memories as you can because memories matter.

I cannot remember a time in my running career that I have not wanted to be faster than I am. I have always wondered what it must feel like to cross the finish line well before the rest of the pack, to be an elite runner. As it is though, I’m usually at mile two of a 5k when the winner is crossing the line. Unfortunately, I do not give up easily so my quest to be faster continues even with father time trying to hold me back. The truth though is I know exactly what I need to do to be faster, but doing the hard work required to do it is not always easy for me. I would like to share with you some of the wisdom I have learned about improving your running speed, and if you see me at a race, please ask me if I have followed my own advice!

Run fast

I know this sounds obvious, but we can train our bodies to do almost anything through repetition, so if we want to race fast, we have to practice running fast. I like to do a routine at the gym where I run the ramp that goes up to the track to warm up, and then I get on the treadmill and run the mile pace that I want to be able to run. I run at that pace for as long as I can then I take a minute break, run again, break, and I do that four times and then work up to running that pace for a mile. You can do it without a treadmill, but it works better for me.  

Run hills

In my opinion, this is one of the quickest ways to become faster. Find some good hills around you and run them until you are too tired to do it anymore. If you can be comfortable with hills, that can be the part of the race when you can leave a lot of runners behind you because hills defeat people mentally more than physically. Develop a mantra for the hills that you can say over and over as you climb. It can be as simple as, “This is only a hill. I am strong enough to do this.” If nothing else, it will distract you. Another trick is to say, “it’s only a hill c’mon run it with me!” to someone who is walking to motivate him. Once he starts running with you, you can’t stop running.

Run long

Have at least one long run a week. It will make you more confident about shorter races.

Build your core

Sometimes the basics are the best. Sit-ups, planks, and push-ups will make you a stronger, faster runner because your core will be stronger.

Run with someone faster than you

I need a rabbit to chase when I run so having friends who are faster than I am is a bonus in my opinion because it gives me someone to chase. In a race, try to continually make it up to the next person and once you pass that person, focus on the next one.

Stretch

Flexibility will help your speed and help to prevent injuries. I have found as I have gotten older, I cannot skip stretching. Keeping everything loose reduces the risk of pulling something.

Set goals

I work best when I have a plan so if I make some attainable goals, I am more likely to stick to doing the work to attain these goals.

Track work

Doing track work with sprints, and other high-intensity running will go a long way to improve your speed.

                                                        

I was an educator for forty years and a teacher mentor. One of the things I had to do was to teach students and teachers how to balance their time to be the most productive with the least amount of stress. Here are some ideas on how to do this.

Do you find yourself stressed most of the time, trying to fill as much as possible into your day, and then feeling frustrated because you didn’t accomplish everything on your list? Most of us are frazzled, doing too much too quickly and we cannot find a way to do it any differently. There are so many things to do and only so much time to do it. When we complain about it, we are told to let something go, to rest more, but that often seems impossible. Recently, I heard a suggestion that made sense to me. The suggestion was to create margin in your life.

When you think about the word margin you imagine the blank space on the side of a page where you can write in explanations or reflections. It is the spot for extra thought and personal additions. It is room to make more. What if we made margin in our lives by creating some blank space and time where we had some room to breathe? We seem to always be so intent on filling in every waking moment with as much activity as possible but with margin, you can have some time to catch up on a neglected task or merely do nothing but destress. Let me show you how creating margin, the unfilled space can make you both healthier and more productive.

Managing time with margin

Have you ever been in a situation where every minute of your day is scheduled, and you are like a hamster on the wheel wildly trying to keep up with completing your tasks? You are already behind, you have to have a presentation done in five minutes and of course, your computer shuts down and will not restart. Your stress level rises and panic sets in. What if you had given yourself some margin, some space in case something did not go according to plan? Instead of planning everything back-to-back, give yourself ten minutes in between commitments. If you finish early, you have space to start on something else or to take a few minutes to regroup.

Using margin for time outs

When you start to create margin, you will find that you have some time to refocus and organize. When we have time to focus, reflect and reorganize we can be more productive with our next task.  You will not feel frazzled and on edge because you were able to prepare calmly. Sometimes all you need is a few more minutes to breathe. Schedule that time into your day when you can catch up.   

Create a routine

Mornings are typically the most stressful times so do what you can to make them easier by organizing everything you need the night before. Choose the clothes you will wear, put anything that needs to come in with you near the door, and do any meal and snack preparation. Whatever you need to accomplish in the morning, make it a routine that you can do without even thinking. Consider waking up earlier to give yourself margin to ease into the morning.

Limit screen time

It is easy to be obsessed with checking our e-mail or social media or taking a break to look at YouTube videos, but these are all time eaters. Put a limit on how often you check your screens and stick to it. You may have to silence your phone or put it somewhere else so that you cannot hear notifications.

Say no

Do you feel guilty when you say no to something even though you know you do not have the time or energy to complete it well? If we are pulled in a million different directions, we will end up not doing any of our tasks professionally. Focus on the most important responsibilities and look at saying no as protecting the integrity of the task because it should be done by someone who has the time and ability. You deserve to live a life of quality which includes having time to relax and renew. If you never say no, there will never be any time for yourself.

Keep a calendar

Write down all your appointments, meetings, and tasks. If you do that then you will not be stressed by wondering if you are forgetting something.

Schedule the day

You do not have to schedule every minute because we all know that the minute a plan is in place, the disruptions will happen. Schedule the basics of your day.

Give yourself some margin in your life and I guarantee you will see a difference. Last year I made the decision to become part-time at school because I was frazzled and unhappy. I needed some margin to write and pursue other passions. I feel as if I am in better health, I am happier, and stress is not part of my life. My daughter told me that I am a completely different person. Margin has worked for me, and I think it can work for you.

The definition of a conversation is a talk between two or more people in which ideas or news are exchanged. The problem is that our interactions often are more one-sided with one person talking about himself or interrupting to interject with a personal anecdote. We are often distracted because of the many things we need to do, so instead of focusing on what someone is saying we are checking our phones or trying to finish one more e-mail.

Conversations are a form of communication and when we are not focusing on the people involved there can be negative consequences. When we are not focusing on the person talking to us, we send the message that the person is not valued. When we constantly interrupt others, finish their sentences, or make the conversation completely about us, we are not hearing the other person and we are focused only on ourselves. Perhaps the most important issue is we are not communicating fully, and we could be missing important information.

I ran a mentor program at our school and to do that, I did extensive research on how to communicate well because I wanted the teachers to feel heard and valued. Here are a few ideas that I learned about how to have a good conversation with someone.

Focus completely on the person who is speaking with you. Make eye contact and turn your body towards the person. Have you ever been talking to someone, and the person turns slightly towards the door and begins inching towards it? You want to give the impression you are interested in what the person is saying.

Stop what you are doing when someone is speaking to you. Turn your phone over and listen.

Be empathetic and ask questions for understanding. You can often walk someone to his or her own solution by asking questions.

Don’t interrupt. Let the person finish a sentence and let a few seconds of silence hang in the air before you say anything. Do not finish a sentence with what you think someone will say.

If you do not have time to talk, set a time when you do. Let the person know the conversation is important to you.

Everyone needs a chance to tell his story. Be a good listener and you should have your chance too.

When you can speak to someone in person, do that instead of texting.

I hope this helps, and I hope there are many great conversations in your future. Just remember that a conversation takes two!

Every day we have a choice of how we will greet the day. We can choose to have a negative attitude and see everything as a burden, or we can have a grateful attitude and see what we have as blessings. What if the attitude we choose affected our health?

The article, How Do Thoughts and Emotions Affect Health? from the University of Minnesota states that negative emotions can zap mental energy, negatively affect the body, and lead to health problems. They can create stress which can decrease our lifespan.  

Dr. Barbara Fredrickson is a scientist who has spent years researching and publishing the physical and emotional benefits of positivity. The benefits include faster recovery, better sleep, fewer colds, and a sense of overall happiness.

Fredrickson says that we have to be intentional about making our thoughts positive because it is often more common to see things negatively. She suggests working on turning negative thoughts to positive ones.

The Power of Positive Thinking from John Hopkins Medicine says there is definitely a strong link between “positivity” and health. A positive attitude can improve the outcome of numerous conditions.

Here are a few ways you can improve your attitude of gratitude.

Smile more. A study from the University of Kansas found that smiling reduces heart rate and blood pressure in stressful situations.

Find the good in the bad.  Pull the positives out of the negatives.

Find solutions for problems instead of being weighed down by them.

Talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend, so no disparaging remarks, only supportive comments.

Surround yourself with positive people because positivity is contagious.

Do you feel as if no one cares about you, or that you don’t have a connection with others, and that no one gets you? Have you lost a loved one, or moved away from friends and family? All of these can lead to loneliness.

If you often feel lonely, you are not alone. The Foundation of Art and Healing has a project called Project Unlonely. The research states that loneliness affects more than one-third of American adults. We have become a super-connected society through technology, but at the same time, we are terribly disconnected when it comes to quality relationships.

These findings matter because research shows that loneliness can negatively affect our mental and physical health. The fact sheet for the foundation states that health risks associated with loneliness and social isolation are compared to the dangers of smoking and obesity, increasing mortality risk by up to 30%. Loneliness can increase depression and fatigue.

John Cacioppo, a University of Chicago psychologist says, “Loneliness is an aversive signal, much like thirst, hunger, or pain.” Professor Cacioppo has done research that shows that loneliness can raise stress hormones and blood pressure, and it has an effect on blood flow to vital organs. It can also impair the immune system’s ability to fight infections.

Knowing that loneliness is unhealthy for us, what are some ways we can fight it? Here are a few suggestions.

Decrease your time on social media if you find yourself comparing yourself to others or feeling alienated.

Find a community that accepts you just the way you are. You can do that by joining clubs for interests you have, reaching out to people who also might be lonely, and participating in community events. I go to running races almost every weekend, and I have found that the running community is incredibly welcoming and supportive.

Step out of your comfort zone and be open about talking to other people. You might be the connection that someone has been looking for. Make eye contact and make a simple comment or question to start the conversation.

Make an effort to reach out to the contacts you have. Tell them you were thinking of them and wanted to see how they were doing. You may make a reconnection.

Animals make wonderful friends and they don’t judge you.

If your depression worsens reach out to an expert for help.

I love dogs and have had a variety of breeds during my life. Each time I have a new breed of dog, I research characteristics so that I can create a good home for him or her. I am fascinated by the strong tendencies of each type of dog, but I also find that dogs are not that different from us. They love good food, naps in the sun, and they crave attention. Many of them also have a variety of forms of anxiety. I would like to give you some examples of the anxiety I have seen and offer some ideas on how to help your dog with it.

The first time I had a dog with anxiety was our dog, Leo. Leo was a Collie and German shepherd mix. He was a shelter dog and when we took him to the vet to make sure he was o.k. physically, the vet told us it was obvious that Leo had been abused because he would drop his head down each time you approached him. We tried to help him through the anxiety he must have felt from the abuse by showering him with love, and after a year, we were gifted with a happy dog who approached everyone with his head up and his tail wagging.

Leo was also terrified of storms. We left our two dogs in a covered outside pen while we were at work, and the first time it stormed, we came home to find both dogs on the porch, and a bent, twisted door to the pen. He would also try to wedge his 90-pound body under the couch any time it thundered. If your dog has anxiety like this there are several options. There are natural calming treats and there is something called the Thunder vest, which is a jacket that exerts a constant, gentle pressure that has a calming effect.

Most dogs are calmer when they have consistent household routines. They want to know what is expected of them and when it is going to happen.

Our neighbor is a dog trainer and when we got a four-month-old Border Collie, she told me to introduce him to a lot of different situations, things, and people because they have a tendency to become skittish and anxious about things they don’t recognize. Our dog was terrified of the garbage cans on the street, and he would run and hide if I pulled out the vacuum cleaner or my guitar. (The guitar might have been because of my singing!) He has gradually become less afraid and now he follows me around while I vacuum.

If you have to leave your dog during the day, create a nice comfortable space with chews, toys, and puzzles. The dog’s crate will become a safe zone for them, and many owners find that the dogs go in just to have some quiet time.

Our dog trainer also encourages us to talk to our dog like we would any member of the family. They can learn words and commands and when they are surer of what we expect, they will be less anxious.

When our dog Bandit came to us at four months old, he frequently had a look that I would look as manic. He wanted so badly to please and know what task we wanted him to do. I was exhausted at first because he was so high energy and anxious. As we have given him tricks to learn and he has figured out his spot in the family he has become so much calmer.

Ask the experts to help with your dog’s anxiety. Ask a vet or a dog trainer for advice. I hope this has helped and that you can control the anxiety for both your dog and yourself.

A beginner’s guide to gardening

My parents had massive vegetable gardens and several flower beds. We had fresh vegetables all summer, and then my mom would can food to feed us through the winter and defray the grocery costs. Several years ago, I became fascinated with gardening myself. I started off slowly with easy to grow vegetables like green beans and lettuce because I was afraid the only thing I wouldn’t kill was kudzu. (If you are not from Georgia, Kudzu is a plant that takes over everything around it.) I then began to learn by experimenting and through trial and error. I listened to other gardeners, joined a Facebook gardening page, and began to read about how to manage a garden.

I soon became fascinated with gardening. Not only is it fun to watch how nature grows and flourishes, I love being able to eat fresh, chemical-free food that I grew myself. Although there are a few basic rules for the garden, you can experiment, and be creative. Gardening is a great form of exercise, and it is a stress reliever. I talk to the plants as if I’m their cheerleader, I sing out there, and I plan about what else I want to try.

I know some people are afraid to start a garden because they don’t feel they know enough to be successful, so I would like to offer this very basic guide to help you start. I guarantee you will love it. Don’t be afraid if something doesn’t work perfectly or doesn’t grow at all. Keep trying and you will succeed. I struggled the first few years trying to grow corn. Each year, right before it was ready to harvest, the deer would get to it before me. My husband built me an enclosed garden after the third year which helped.  

Before you plant anything, answer the following questions, and consider my suggestions.

What kind of space do you have for a garden?

If you have a huge back yard, choose a space that receives a lot of sun. It’s o.k. if that isn’t possible, it just means your produce might be smaller. Don’t let a smaller space keep you from having a garden. Be creative with using containers. One idea is using a child’s pool as a planter. If that is too big, you can find smaller ones anywhere that garden supplies are sold.

What type of vegetables do you want to grow?

I would encourage you to include green beans on your list because they are very easy to grow, so if something else doesn’t work, you can say, “Look at these beautiful green beans!” If you grow peas and cucumbers, put something near them that they can climb up and you will have more produce. Give cucumbers some room because they tend to keep traveling. The same is true of squash and zucchini. They need to spread out. Lettuce, spinach, kale, and carrots are easy to grow, and if you live in a warm weather climate like I do, you can grow them through the winter.

Do you have a plan for what you want to plant where?

It’s a good idea to have a plan of where you want to put things before you start planting. When you do start planting, mark what you have put where. My husband made me wooden stakes that I could write on with marker, but there are plenty of options to use.

When will you start to plant?

The general rule is that you can start to plant after the last frost, but as I mentioned earlier there are some vegetables that can survive in cold weather. You can also help your garden survive longer by covering plants during frosts. My cherry tomato plant survived into winter until we had an ice storm. I have had lettuce, kale, spinach, and carrots all winter.

What will you use for soil and weed protection?

You need to have good soil and all garden centers will have what you need. When plants come up, add some mulch to keep the weeds away. Weeds steal important nutrients from your plants, so keep the garden weed free.

Are you starting a flower garden?

You can be so creative with flowers. You can make window boxes, use containers, or plant a flower bed. We were watching a show called Escape to The Château, and the owner walked around the grounds sprinkling wildflowers everywhere. They ended up with a beautiful field of colorful flowers. I am going to experiment by planting seeds around the borders of our backyard. I have quite a variety of seeds, so we will see how it works out.

What tools will you use?

If you are using planting beds, all you have to do if fill them with soil and rake it to make it even. If you are starting a garden plot, you will need a tiller, and I think you can rent them. You need gardening gloves, and even when you wear gloves, wash your hands well when you are finished. I use a trowel often. You may want to have something to kneel on as well. If it does not rain for a while, you will need a sprinkler or a hose to water the garden.

What extras will make your garden special?

I like garden decorations, so we have some signs, a sun, a rose, and an angel. I love having windchimes as well.

Consider starting with plants or inside

If you don’t want to wait for seeds, you can buy plants, or start seeds inside in containers.

Talk to the experts

If you have questions, ask the experts at the gardening center, join social media groups, or ask neighbors who have a garden that is flourishing.

Have fun

Remember that nothing has to be perfect. Have fun with it, experiment, and learn, but no matter what, take the first step and start.

On a regular day, we interact with all kinds of personalities, we solve problems, we are creative and innovative and by the end of the day, it can sometimes feel as if we have been through a battle. There has to be some time to recover both physically and mentally from our daily struggle.

I love being around people and as a teacher, I am often surrounded by a certain amount of chaos. I spend the day hearing my name called a million times and I love it, but when I come home, I need some quiet. I love the peacefulness when there is no noise, no one who needs me, and no need to speak.

We need quiet time to process everything we have experienced during the day. One of my favorite ways to renew is to go out on our porch and listen to the sounds of the neighborhood. It is a time when I don’t have to answer a question or solve a problem. I can renew in other ways as well whether I take a walk, read, write, cook, or do something else that is soothing. When I make this renewal a regular practice, it changes my attitude towards everything else I do.

Being in nature can be restorative. I love being outside because it always seems to energize and calm me at the same time. It is difficult to feel anxious when we are surrounded by such beauty. Taking a walk or a bike ride or sitting outside will lift your spirits.

Reduce the stimulation around you for at least thirty minutes each day. Put your phone away, turn off any other technology and give yourself some time to disconnect from technology and reconnect with yourself.

On the occasional bad day, we all need some time to recover from mistakes we made or unkind words that may have been said. Use positive self-talk, give yourself some grace, learn from any mistakes, and apologize when it is necessary.

We also need to take time to heal our souls. Life can become so busy that we forget how important it is to grow spiritually. We need time to read the Bible, worship, and pray.

Music can be a great way to heal. Find your favorite music and relax and listen. On a recent trip with two friends, we listened to the music we had grown up with and swapped funny stories from our childhood.

Reading is another way to destress. I can become completely lost in a story and forget about time as I follow the characters through the plot. I can leave my reality for a short time and immerse myself in someone else’s adventure.

Spending time with animals has always been a great way to decompress for me. Animals love you completely and they crave spending time with you. Our next-door neighbor has a dog that acts as if he is over the moon to see you to the point that he will start to howl, and even though I know he acts that way to almost everyone, it still lifts my spirits.

Cooking has always been a way to relax for me even though I am not a very good cook. There is something comforting about being in the kitchen where we produce and consume the food we need to survive. Have you ever noticed that when you have guests over, everyone gravitates to the kitchen?

Sometimes the best answer to being worn out mentally and physically is to curl up and catch up on sleep. A good nap on a rainy day can make you forget any troubles you may have.

Practicing gratitude is an important exercise in healing. List all the things you are thankful for, and any problems you encountered during the day start to fade away. Realizing all of your blessings instead of focusing on burdens will make you feel better.

My friends will not think I wrote this unless I mention that running for me is the ultimate escape. When I am running, I feel such a sense of peace, as if any stress is just falling off behind me. I can work out problems, generate ideas or simply listen to music. Running is what I turn to first when my emotions are out of balance. If running is not your sport, choose anything that is an active activity.

Find the activities that you need that will help you relax, reflect, and renew. It does not matter what the activity is if it is one that will help you when you take time to heal.