Jennifer’s writing

I have a hard time letting go of something I have seen or heard when it impacts me. Instead of being able to forget it and turn to something new, I find myself ruminating on it, trying to make sense of it, and feeling all the emotions that go with it. This is what happened when I heard about the suicide of Miss USA 2019 Cheslie Kryst. She was a young woman who seemingly had it all, beauty, intelligence, a strong character, and more achievements than most people collect in a lifetime. She was many people’s version of perfection, but the haters still spilled their venom and attacked her where they could, and the maintenance of her perfection seemed to become too much, and the chance to truly be accepted by our culture and society seemed just out of reach.  

 Cheslie penned a heart-rending essay reflecting on the pressures of getting older, the need to achieve – and her battle with online trolls who bullied her over her looks.

Kryst, 30, wrote candidly in an essay for Allure about overcoming the crushing expectations she once placed on herself after she “nearly worked myself to death.”

“I discovered that the world’s most important question, especially when asked repeatedly and answered frankly, is: why?” Kryst wrote of her change in thinking.

“Why work so hard to capture the dreams I’ve been taught by society to want when I continue to only find emptiness?” turning 30 feels like a cold reminder that I’m running out of time to matter in society’s eyes — and it’s infuriating,” she wrote. Far too many of us allow ourselves to be measured by a standard that some sternly refuse to challenge, and others simply acquiesce to because fitting in and going with the flow is easier than rowing against the current,” 

In my opinion, we lost so much with the death of this young lady. I wish someone could have convinced her that she had so much power to make a difference, influence other women, and be relevant no matter what age she was. I wish she had known her worth and that her relevance was not tied to her age.

The word relevance to me means that you have a voice, you can make a difference, you have influence, and you are relatable. Our society places a high value on beauty, wealth, youth, and the ability to sell yourself, but I think there are other ways to be relevant even if you don’t meet any of those criteria.

Think of the people in your community who are the quiet angels. They are making a difference every day and they don’t need any notoriety to do it. It’s true that we do need to be kinder to our older members because they have wisdom and experience, and they have faced challenges and survived. One person can make a difference at any age, so in my opinion, we are all relevant in our own way. We all have value. If you are struggling because you have been listening to the haters, or life has become difficult to handle, please reach out to people you trust or professionals.

The average person is working, taking care of a family, cleaning and repairing a home, and fulfilling all the other responsibilities life throws at us. It can be a whirlwind of activity, and often we are in survival mode, so we don’t always slow down enough to enjoy life and take in the blessings around us.

Ness Labs has an article, An Ode to Slowing Down, in which author, Anne-Laure Le Cunff says, “Fighting our urge to live and work faster can lead to clearer thinking, deeper connections, and better mental health. By slowing down, you can build three important pillars in your life. They are intentionality, quality, and sustainability.”

When I retired last year, I was surprised at how much I hadn’t noticed because I was always completing one task and preparing for the next one. I had no idea how much time I was missing with my family. My youngest is in her junior year in college and real life is starting to loom ahead of her. She wants to talk about her future and brainstorm ideas with me. I know I only have a year or two more of her being home, so I am soaking up every moment of our talks, watching silly movies, and making sense of another assignment. My husband has a basement office and in between his calls, he likes to come up and tell me what is happening in his day. If I went back to work, I would put more priority on family and slow down a little.

While working, there wasn’t time to take a nap, but now if I lie down, two cats, a dog, and sometimes my daughter curled up next to me. There is usually a commotion of some kind after ten minutes, but it is still nice to take a few minutes to regroup.

Slowness allows you to be more present instead of always thinking about what comes next. When friends and family used to speak to me, I was rarely listening because I was stressed out about all the other things I needed to do. Now, I focus on the person speaking, make eye contact and listen. Slowing down will also relax you. My oldest daughter told me that I am a completely different person from when I was working.

Slowing down can help you connect better with people, make better decisions instead of rushing into something, calm you, and allow you to be present.

I believe the statement laughter is the best medicine is true. It can affect our bodies in many ways that physical activity does, it can improve our mental health, it can diffuse an emotionally charged situation, it attracts people to us, and it can be used as a coping strategy. Let’s look at examples of how it can do this and more.

The Mayo Clinic says when you laugh it causes physical changes in your body. Here are several changes they list.

Laughter enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs, and muscles, and increases the endorphins released by your brain.

It activates and relieves your stress response and soothes tension.

It can improve your immune system, relieve pain, and improve your mood.

The Help Guide says that laughter relaxes the whole body, and it improves the function of blood vessels, and increases blood flow which can protect your heart.

Laughter can improve our mental health through the stress reduction already mentioned, but it can help in other ways as well. Laughter can be used as a coping mechanism when life becomes difficult. I once told a student that I had never seen her unhappy. She always seemed to be smiling and laughing. I was surprised when she told me she suffered from severe depression and laughter helped ease the pain, and it also kept others from seeing that pain. When I told my husband about it, he said he had done the same thing because his stepdad had been so tough on him. He turned to humor to cope with it.

Laughter can lighten your mood. It can also create those funny moments that you can remember and laugh about again. I have a French friend whom I would describe as elegant and reserved. If you don’t know him, you would say he is serious. He has a way of saying something hysterical when I least expect it, and he says it with such a serious expression that I laugh until my stomach hurts. Many of my funny memories involve him or my oldest daughter. All it takes is for one of them to say, “Do you remember when….?” And I am already laughing.

I used laughter in my class to diffuse emotionally charged situations. Although I was blessed with extraordinary students, occasionally someone would come into class angry, frustrated, or an emotional wreck and they might be disrespectful, or distracted and distracting. The emotions they were feeling were issues I usually inherited from another class, but once they were in my room, they became my issues. I tried as often as possible to diffuse any problems with a sense of humor because it seemed more effective to me than matching anger to anger.

Laughter is contagious and everyone can benefit from catching it. When you are in public and you hear someone laugh, it is hard not to smile, especially when it is the laughter of a child. My husband has the sound of a child’s laughter as his ringtone on his phone and I enjoy seeing people smile when it rings. Do you know someone whose laughter makes you laugh? If I started to laugh around my oldest sister, she would say, “Jen, stop!!!” then she would laugh uncontrollably, and she was lost. My oldest daughter is that person for me. I swear we cannot go out in public without crazy things happening that make us laugh. One of us will start laughing and the other will say, “No, no, think of serious things!” We do this because once we start laughing, we cannot stop.

Laughter can bring people together. When you laugh with someone, it forms a bond even if it’s temporary. You can turn a stranger’s day around by sharing some laughter.

Laughter does not come easily to everyone, but it is something worth doing more often to improve the quality of your life. Here are a few ideas to make you laugh.

Spend time with funny people.

Watch funny YouTube videos or funny movies.

Laugh at situations instead of letting them get you down.

Give laughter a try and see if it can make daily life more fun.

I have always thought it made more sense that our ultimate goals in life were more about being happy than attempting to achieve perfection. Instead of worrying about whether we look like a success to others, what if we gauge our success by how happy we are and ask ourselves what needs to change for us to be truly content. In the article, 10 Tips for a Happier and Smarter Life, author Sadhguru says, “At present, the quality of your life is not determined by the clothes that you wear, the educational qualifications that you carry, the family background that you come from or the bank balances that you hold. Rather, the quality of your life depends upon how peaceful and joyous you are within yourself. Do you think the man who is driving the car is happier than the man who is walking on the street? No. It is not decided by what you have. All those people who depend on external situations to be happy will never know true joy in their lives. It is time we look inward and see how to create personal wellbeing.”

Everyone sees happiness differently so there isn’t a guidebook on how to find happiness, but I think we all have a fairly good idea about what makes us happy. Ask yourself these questions and see if they point you in the right direction.

When are you the happiest? Is there any reason why you cannot do more of that?

What do you need to change to be happier? Write down your answers as well as the challenges involved.

How can you eliminate those challenges?

Who makes you happy? Shouldn’t you be around those people more?

Are you happy with your life? What would you change?

Are you happy with your job? If not, what job would make you happy?

Is it your attitude that needs to change? Your perspective?

Life is too short to try to be something that doesn’t fulfill us. I hope you take time to reflect on what you need to be happy instead of trying to achieve someone else’s idea of happy.

Words are powerful. They can comfort, motivate, uplift, and heal. What you say to someone today might stay with that person for the rest of his life. It is often something simple that you said without thinking that your words carried weight. I once wrote in a student’s journal that I saw how hard she always worked, and I appreciated her work ethic. After the graduation ceremony that year, she came to find me and told me how much she appreciated my words.

Giving someone words that matter makes you feel better too. Anytime someone has told me that my words were appreciated, It lifted my spirits too. It’s always nice to feel like you helped in some way.

Your words might save someone. My sister had gone through a nasty divorce and had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. She told me she felt overwhelmed and depressed, and she wasn’t sure how she would continue. My words to her were not profound, I only spoke to her about how she had always been my example of strength, and I didn’t know anyone tougher. She told me later that those words had turned her attitude around.

What are the words that have made a difference to you that you remember when you need some comfort? I have several that I use to heal my spirit when I’m being tough on myself. I had a high school English teacher who was the most intelligent man I have ever known. I was in awe of him. One day, he handed me back one of my compositions and said quietly, “You are a good writer.” I’m sure he had no idea I would think of those words during the many times I wonder if my writing is good enough, or if it is only something I love to do. Another example is something my friend Kim said once when I received a rejection from a publisher, and she could see it had devastated me. She said, “Jen, that is one voice commenting on your writing. Don’t listen to just one voice.” That motivated me to keep going, and those words have helped me in many situations. If someone criticizes you, remember that it doesn’t have to be the truth. There have been many other kind words that I am very grateful to have received.

Have you wielded your words to make a difference? You could do that by complimenting someone for quality or ability you admire. You can tell someone how he has helped you or inspired you. With the right choice of words, you might say something at the perfect time to help someone when he needs it the most. With that much power, keep your words kind and uplifting.

Most of us have such busy lives that we become caught up in the chaos of completing all our obligations and activities. It is easy to lose track of those things that matter like savoring the special moments in our lives. This opinion is stated in the book, The Power of Moments. “As you think about creating special moments, don’t lose the gift of being present for these moments. Too many of us have become consumed by our phones and have lost our mindfulness. Lots of us are capturing moments to share with others (it’s Instagrammable!) rather than being present in the moment.” We are often too distracted to soak up the moments. The special moments translate to good memories that we need to replay on the tough days or to lift our spirits with our memories.

The moments could be very simple things like savoring a good meal, laughter with friends, special talks, cuddling with a baby, playing with a pet, a restorative nap, a soothing bath, curling up with a great book, a kindness given, and anything else that leaves you with a good feeling.

The book, The Power of Moments, describes key elements of creating moments.

ELEVATION: They rise above the everyday experience.

INSIGHT: They may shift your point of view of yourself or the world.

PRIDE: They capture moments of accomplishment or courage.

CONNECTION: They are often social events that strengthen the bonds we share with others.

Cell phones can document our moments, but they can keep us from experiencing them too. How often do you see a family out to dinner while everyone is on their phones? Do you ever find yourself distracted with e-mail when your children are craving your time? Be careful because those moments are fleeting.

Consider opening yourself up to more to creating special moments, and then being present to enjoy them. It will make you happier at the time, and again when you replay the moment in your mind.

It is difficult to avoid drama entirely in our lives, but there are ways we can control it. Do you have someone in your life who likes to stir the drama pot, spreading gossip and playing people against each other? Do you have colleagues or family members who like to elicit a reaction from you, and try to push your buttons? Do you know a master manipulator who sees people as pawns on the gameboard of his self-gain?  All these situations can cause drama and stress in our lives, but there are positive ways to react to the negative to diffuse these issues. Let me give you some suggestions that I have learned through personal experience.

Let’s talk about the drama pot-stirrer first. This person thrives on drama and loves to create it, listen to it, and watch it play out. What you need to know about this person is that he or she will always repeat what you divulge as a secret, and what you say will probably be slightly twisted from what you originally said. It’s a little like the game of telephone where you whisper a sentence from person to person and at the end, the sentence is something totally different. What I would suggest to help with this situation is to not share private information with this person. Also, when the pot-stirrer tells you that someone said something about you, check the facts. It may seem awkward or immature to ask someone if they said something about you, but it could diffuse a potentially volatile situation, and it may show the pot-stirrer the error of his or her ways, although they usually can’t stop stirring. Communication can solve a lot of problems.

Now, let’s talk about the person who likes to push your buttons and knows just what to say to see a reaction. I had someone close to me who caused me a great deal of stress by doing this. One day I realized that it takes at least two people to have a drama, and if I refused to participate, my life would be so much easier. One day, I said to her, “I love you, but I’m done with all the drama you create. From this point on, I refuse to be a part of it.” I know that seems too simple, but it worked. When she tries to make something seem like I am being irrational or causing a problem, I answer her calmly, tell her my reasoning, and refuse to become upset. One of the hardest things for me to ignore is when someone makes a false claim about something I do. I instantly want to confront the person and tell them I don’t do that, but you have to pick your battles, and sometimes you have to be content to rest in the truth.

My amazing husband cannot discuss political issues without becoming angry, and it drives him a little crazy that I remain calm and refuse to throw emotions into the mix. The quickest way to diffuse a volatile, emotionally charged situation is to remain calm and rational. Give it a try and be amazed at this magical technique.     

Finally, the master manipulator will leave people behind in her quest to self-promote. Be careful because this person is often very charming and capable of presenting herself in a positive light. This sounds cowardly, but I would avoid this person as much as possible because you will have to use all your anti-drama techniques and you will have to add positive confrontation. That means you must remain calm, not engage in emotions, don’t share private information, and when necessary, diffuse the problem by addressing it in a positive way. When you have a positive confrontation start off with something like, “I know you didn’t realize the impact of what you did, but…” If your attempts to solve the problem don’t work, you may need to ask a third party to be a mediator.

Drama is all around us because we are full of emotions, but it doesn’t have to affect us negatively or control our lives. I hope these techniques help you.

In Nedra Mcdaniel’s article, It’s All About Perspective, she says, “I need to remember to ask myself, “Did you have a bad day or allow a bad moment to turn into a bad day?” We have the power to turn our day around with our attitude.

How many times have you seen a woman who seems to juggle a million things in her life and yet she seems calm and in control? Before you begin to ask yourself why you cannot seem to do it all, let me provide you with a little insight into the life of the woman who seems to be able to balance family and career with ease. I propose that these women only do one thing better than other women and that is they know the importance of attitude. For every situation we find ourselves in, we have choices about how we will react. Every day, we can choose how we view and react to the people and things around us in either a positive or negative way.

I have been told many times that I always seem calm and balanced, but my close friends know the ugly truth. My friends and family think it is hysterical that every time my husband leaves on business, unbelievable things befall me and when he is home, life runs extremely smoothly. I have learned to first deal with whatever happens as best I can, then laugh at the situation, and then call both my friends and family to tell them about the newest incident. They know what to expect when they hear me say “You are not going to believe this but….” Let me give you several of the tamer examples.

One day, we were leaving with seconds to spare to get to the school bus. I turned to tell my son to be careful because the porch was slippery and I then stepped on a patch of ice and although I did not fall, my book bag went flying. Pens were sticking out of leaf piles; papers were blowing down the road. I scooped up what I could and continued to the van where I discovered the doors were frozen shut. When I finally managed to pry open the door, it then would not shut. I drove to daycare holding the driver’s door while my daughter cheered me on saying “c’mon mommy you can do it. Don’t let go! Hold on tight.” When I arrived at school with my precious cup of coffee, I was turning the corner to my room when I slipped on an errant backpack strap and the coffee went everywhere. The girls sitting near the backpack looked horrified and did not know what to do. I started laughing and went to get paper towels. They helped me clean it up and even treated me to a reenactment of how I looked when I slipped.

Today, I came home to find a hawk trapped on our porch. Not a small, pretty, easy-to-chase out-the-door bird, but a hawk! Complete with sharp beak and talons. At first, I had the bright idea to try to shoo him out with a broom, but as I was poking him with the broom, I took a good look at the beady eyes and those talons and decided that maybe the whole broom thing was not a good idea. I convinced one of our science teachers to come and liberate the bird. Did I mention that he had huge talons?

Unfortunately, I could continue to tell more of these stories, but my point is that whenever these events unfold, I can change the outcome and how I feel about that outcome with my attitude and by keeping a sense of humor. I can also teach my children how to react in less than favorable situations. Considering how many things have gone wrong, I think they have the picture. In my opinion, almost everything that we do in life or have to deal with in life can follow this rule. It does not matter what happens to you but how you deal with it. I choose to find the positive whenever possible. Since I think my husband will continue to travel, and I have a feeling that the bizarre incidents will continue, it is a remedy that works for me as well as allowing me a chance to entertain my friends.

I love our border collie puppy Bandit, but he is a whirling dervish. He doesn’t do anything calmly or slowly. He tears out the door, super excited about playing and meeting new people. He is gentle and loving and would not willingly hurt a soul, but his behavior can be annoying and scary if you don’t know him which means that we have had to worry about the behavior with our neighbors.

On the website, www.dogtime.com, they say, “We need to be good dog parents and neighbors. If we aren’t, we put stress on others in our community.” Here are a few suggestions that might help the relationship between your dog and the neighbors.

Communication is important. Talk to your neighbors about your dog and include the dog’s temperament and be transparent about any issues you are having with training or behavior. Your neighbors will be more understanding if something goes wrong if you include them in the discussion. The neighbors closest to our house have a fourteen-year-old beagle named Joey. He is amazing and he and my cat are best friends, but he becomes territorial with dogs. He and Bandit had been doing well even though Bandit wanted to sniff, poke, and jump while Joey looked like he wanted to say, “Dude, I’m 14. I don’t jump.” Joey injured a disc in his back, and our neighbor told us he was worried that having Bandit off the leash near him might be too much. Because we communicated, we keep Bandit on the leash when we come out near his house. We have neighbors across the street who have a small puppy that Bandit loves to play with, but one of the little boys is very afraid of bigger dogs. When he comes over, I let him stay in our garden enclosure so he can watch Bandit catch frisbees. I love seeing his courage as he will move closer to Bandit as time goes by.   

Keep your yard clear of dog waste because odors and fleas will drift into the neighbor’s yard. Carry poop bags when you are walking in the neighborhood in case your dog wants to relieve himself in the neighbor’s yard.

In the article, 5 Ways You and Your Dog Can Be Good Neighbors by Sassafras Lowrey, she suggests, “Leash your dog unless he is behind a fence. Don’t allow your dog to uninvitedly approach adults, children, or other dogs. Seek consent first.” We all think our dogs are amazing, but we shouldn’t assume that everyone else will feel the same. We let Bandit run free in the backyard because he has so much energy, I think he might explode if he couldn’t run the crazy out, but I either am playing with him or working in the garden while he slays the sticks. He has seen neighbors once or twice and raced over to play, but he is getting better at staying put, and our neighbors have been very understanding.   

Barking seems to be the issue that causes the most problems. I have heard of several situations where a dog barks non-stop and when someone mentioned it to the owner, the owner acted as if it wasn’t an issue. Your first step though is to speak to the owner and explain that the barking is a problem for you. You could also suggest that the owner buy one of the stop barking aids or talk to a dog trainer.

I hope these help and that your dog and your neighbors have a great relationship.

People are fascinating and they all have their unique stories to tell. Most people want to tell you all about themselves, but what if you need to know more about someone whether it is during a job interview, your daughter’s fiancée, or someone you can help if you have more information? How do you help someone tell a story and open up?

During forty years of teaching, it was part of my job to learn to listen well and that is the first step in learning more about a person. Ask a simple question and give the person your attention as he answers. Don’t interrupt or finish the sentence, just listen.

Be aware of the vibe of a person. Some people’s body language screams their personality. You can tell if they are timid, extroverted, moody, or energetic before they even open their mouths. Knowing the personality can help you know how to start the conversation.

Be aware of your own body language. If you want someone to talk with you, be relaxed and completely turned towards the person. Look as if you are interested in what the person is about to say.

Use silence to encourage the other person to speak. We often try to fill in the silence, but if you wait a minute before you ask another question or add a comment, the person speaking will add more information.

Repeat the person’s statement in a question. An example would be if the person said, “In five years, I would like to be a manager.” You say, “So, in five years, you want to be a manager?” The person will add to the information.

Enjoy finding out about the people around you as they tell their stories.