Jennifer’s writing

Several days ago, I had gum surgery and was told I could not run for several days, so I was at the gym walking on a treadmill next to a young man who was making it obvious he was not enjoying his workout. He kept lifting the towel he had draped over the monitor and then sighing. The next time he lifted the towel I said, “No peeking.” He started telling me how much he hated cardio, that he used to run, but he didn’t want to ruin his knees. He continued to tell me why he wanted to avoid cardio, especially running, so finally I told him I was a runner and I loved it. I knew if I told him my knees were doing great at sixty-four and running isn’t the knee wrecker that it has the reputation of being, he wouldn’t hear me. I answered his questions about my running, listened to more of his stories, and then headed home. There are times when you are wasting your time trying to change someone’s opinion when they are so sure that they are correct. Ask yourself if your opinion would have helped the situation in some way. In my case, the man wanted to tell me his story. He wasn’t interested in me convincing him to give running another try.

I have a family member who is very different from me because of his views, values, interests, and hobbies. I still love this person very much, but he feels the rest of the family judges him because of these differences, and he has distanced himself from us. I spent so much time trying to figure out how to prove we did not judge him, and to convince him not to turn his back on his family until one day, I had two realizations. The first one was I had to stop trying to control the situation and him because it was stealing my joy. The second was that I will always love him, but I don’t need to beg someone to spend time with me. Those two realizations were very liberating and will possibly slowly heal the relationship. My trying to prove to him that he was wrong, would not improve the situation.

Abraham Lincoln once quipped, “You can please all of the people some of the time, and you can please some of the people all of the time, but you can’t please all the people all the time.” Give your time to the people who matter most and who want to be with you.

It’s not that you don’t want your voice heard, just decide when it matters, and when it can make a difference. Sometimes instead of voicing your opinion to prove you are right, ask questions to lead the person to the truth that he hasn’t been able to see yet.

In the article, How Do Family Relationships Influence Us, author Catherine Jones says, “Many studies have proven that family relationships greatly impact people throughout their life, especially the relationships formed during early childhood.  Family relationships can greatly affect children and shape who they become as adults.” 

I remember saying I would never worry about things as much as my mother did. Unfortunately, I worry about everything. I worked for my dad for several years, and my strong work ethic is from him. He would always tell me that when you are working, you should never be idle. There is always something else you can do. There are many things they taught me, and I think those beliefs, values, and traits will be with me always. How did your parents influence you?

The article, 11 Science-Backed Ways Your Parent’s Behavior Shaped Who You Are Today, on Business Insider says, “Countless studies and extensive clinical research have found links between your parents’ behavior during childhood and how you act like an adult. If your mother was constantly juggling multiple jobs, you’re likely to suffer from stress. If your parents set high expectations for you, you were more likely to perform better in school.”

If you are a parent, do you see your tendencies in your children? I am grateful that all three of my children believe in kindness as much as I do. My oldest is the most like me, and unfortunately, she is copying many of my character traits that I finally learned to change. These include being driven, and unable to sit still for long without feeling guilty. I watch her doing too much and struggling with stress, but when I tell her she needs to slow down, she says, “Mommy, I learned this from you.” What have you taught your children?

Our children are watching and listening to us all the time. We have amazing potential to shape them to be amazing adults, and we will stumble sometimes too. This article, 11 Science-baked Ways Your Parent’s Behavior Shaped Who You Are Today, is an interesting read.

https://www.businessinsider.com/how-your-parents-behaviors-shape-who-you-are-today-2019-7

I have always believed that parenting is about doing your best with what you have, doing it with love, and realizing that you don’t have to be perfect to be a good parent.

I love seeing a simple gesture that has a profound impact. It shows me that making a difference is often so easy. The reason those gestures can have such a big impact is because we all struggle at some point, and small acts of kindness are needed and appreciated. One of the thoughts that I believe strongly in is, that you have no idea what the person next to you is struggling with, so be kind always.

Scott Alwyn, senior director of addiction and mental health for Covenant Health says, “It’s not always easy to tell whether someone is struggling. There’s no downside in reaching out and offering encouragement, even if that person is doing well,” says Scott. “If you’re unsure how to approach someone who seems like they may be struggling, simply tell them that you thought they could use a little encouragement or some positive feedback”. “There’s no bad time,” says Scott. “Appreciation, positive feedback, and meaningful connection with people are never out of season.”

Have you ever met someone who seems like they don’t have a care in the world, but as you start delving deeper into the conversation, you are speechless because of what this person is going through? I always think we are put in certain situations like that to help the person in some way, and sometimes taking the time to listen is the gift the person needs.

What are some simple gestures that have had an impact on you? Here are a few that I appreciated. I came from a five-mile race to babysit my grandson. My daughter hugged me and said, “Mom, you are so cold! Do you want me to wait until you take a hot bath?” I said no, but it felt good to have her worry about me. My youngest is always asking when I am coming home, and when I walk in the door, she runs down the stairs with a huge smile. She makes me feel loved. My husband is the king of small gestures that matters. He fills up my car with gas, goes out in stormy weather, and does a million other things to take care of us. When a friend brings me food or takes the time to check-in, that is a simple gesture that I appreciate as well.

Here are some ideas for small gestures you can make.

Write a note of encouragement. Scott Alwyn, senior director of addiction and mental health for Covenant Health says, “A handwritten note isn’t common anymore. It’s a very visible display of somebody taking a few minutes to consciously reach out and send somebody a message. It’s a small but meaningful investment.”

Put your cell phone down and listen completely. We are so distracted by social media and our responsibilities, that taking the time to fully listen to someone shows them we have an interest in them. We value them enough to give them our time. Don’t feel the need to fill the conversation with your story, or convince them of your point of view, let them talk.

Use touch when appropriate. Human touch is healing. I am a hugger and I have been known to hug my share of strangers when I thought they needed it. When we were going through the beginning of COVID, my students who would come in to ask for advice would ask, “Am I allowed to hug you?” Hugs are healing. There are of course some people who do not want to be hugged, so you have to develop a hug meter.

Give a small gift that shows you know the person. I am slightly addicted to sausage biscuits from Mcdonald’s. I have a friend who brings one in for me anytime he picks something up there. When he does that, it makes me feel good that he was thinking of me, but it also shows that he knows something about me.

Food is love, so gift it often. Good food can lift anyone’s spirit.

People need to feel seen, known and heard, and small gestures can do that.

Do you trust your first impression of people? I think I am a good judge of character, and my first impression is usually close to reality, but once I was very wrong.

When I was teaching French, a student walked into my classroom on the first day of school. It would be better to say he strutted into the room. My first impression of him was that teaching him might be a struggle because I would have to find a way to get along with his ego. I could not have been more wrong. This student had been placed in a boy’s group home because he was in a family of thirteen children, and his parents could not adequately care for him. He was sent to our school because someone saw the amazing potential he had. I soon saw that potential, and over the years that I taught him French, he was always there to help out with the French activities. He went on after college to start a graphic design business using the French name, I gave him for class. He became a part of my family. Twenty years later, we keep in close contact, and he calls me mom.

Have you ever been wrong about your first impression of someone? How do we form those impressions? Psychology Today says, “It takes a mere seven seconds to make a first impression. People thin-slice others based on how a person looks and sounds, more so than their explicit verbal statements. Often, someone’s first impression is influenced by implicit attitudes of which they are unaware, which explains impulsive actions like giving special preference to those with physical beauty or more easily trusting a person who has a babyface. The observational powers (biases) of the observer are just as important as the qualities projected by the target, or person being judged, making these judgments a constant dance between objective information and selective signal-reading.”

There are certain factors that people use to make first impressions that are out of our control. Pre-conceived notions, reactions to certain facial features, and voices can all determine the first impression. We can make those first impressions because of stereotypes too. On one of my school trips to France, I stayed with one of the French teachers. When you meet a friend in France, you give them a kiss on both cheeks. Because the teacher I was staying with was a friend of my friend Laurent, I knew she would be my friend as well, so I gave her the cheek kisses (la bise). Claude told me later I had surprised her because she thought Americans were cold and distant and would never do la bise. With that simple gesture, I changed her impression of me and her stereotype of Americans.

Have you ever asked someone about his first impression of you? What impact did that impression make? As a new teacher mentor, I asked one of the new teachers at the end of the year what her first impression had been about the school. She told me that when I hugged her the first time we met, she instantly knew everything would be o.k. because she received a warm welcome.

How can we make a good first impression? Here are a few ideas from Healthline.

Turn towards the person you are speaking with.

Make some eye contact.

Dress well.

Don’t express strong or judgmental opinions the first time you meet someone.

Psychology today adds the following.

Show a genuine interest in what the person is saying.

Don’t dominate the conversation.

Don’t reveal too much too soon.

Good luck making great first impressions!

In the article, The State of Sleep health in America, on the website, sleephealth.org, the author states, “At least 25 million Americans (1 in 5 adults) suffer from sleep apnea, a serious sleep, and breathing condition linked to hypertension, cognitive impairment, heart disease, and stroke. Chronic insomnia affects at least 10 percent of Americans. Sleep disorders affect members of every race, socioeconomic class, and age group. Despite the high prevalence of sleep disorders, the overwhelming majority of sufferers remain undiagnosed and untreated, creating unnecessary public health and safety problems, as well as increased health care expenses. National surveys show that more than 60 percent of adults have never been asked about the quality of their sleep by a physician, and fewer than 20 percent – have ever initiated such a discussion.”

There is a television ad that has been airing recently with individuals struggling to use the breathing machines used for sleep apnea. The man is snoring loudly with the machine in different positions, while his wife is wide awake, staring at him. Her expressions make us laugh because most of us can all relate to the person snoring and robbing us of sleep, but that lack of sleep is no laughing matter, so what can we do?

Let’s look at some of the causes of sleep deprivation and then see how we can solve them. Michael J. Breus Ph.D. is an author on WebMD. He says that the following can influence our sleep.

An interruption to our routine

Exercise too close to bedtime

Alcohol or drugs

Psychological stressors like conflict, exams, projects, anything that leaves your brain on overdrive.

Caffeine

Aging is also a factor in our sleep patterns.

Dr. Breus suggests a pre-sleep routine where you give your mind some time to wind down. He suggests reading something light or taking a hot bath.

Here are a few ideas to help with sleep.

Keep the bedroom a comfortable bedroom

Consider not having the animals sleep with you.

Use white noise to control other noises that might wake you. A fan works and YouTube has a large choice.

If you share a bed with someone, talk to them if they do things that wake you up. When my husband turns over, he bounces, and I take air.

Don’t drink fluids too close to bedtime, so you can eliminate the need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

A heavy meal too close to bed may cause problems.

Don’t exercise too close to bedtime.

I hope you find some relief if you suffer from insomnia, and I hope your doctor can help.

I’m Sorry

Elton John has a song called, Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word. I’m sorry are simple words that are sometimes difficult to say when you are asking for forgiveness because it often means you must admit you were wrong.

Elizabeth Scott Ph.D. writes in her article, Why It’s Important to Apologize, on Verywell Mind, “For some people, an apology often feels like an admission that they are inadequate—that, rather than having made a mistake, there is something inherently wrong with them.

Others believe that offering the first apology after an argument is an admission of guilt and responsibility for the entirety of a conflict that involved wrongs on the part of both parties; they think an apology from them will allow the other person to take no responsibility for their own part in the conflict. Sometimes an apology seems to call added attention to a mistake that may have gone unnoticed.

However, in the right circumstances, a well-delivered, appropriately sincere apology will generally avoid all of these issues, and will merely serve to usher in a resolution, reaffirm shared values, and restore positive feelings. You just have to know when and how to deliver your apology.”

   One of the many things I need to work on is not reacting to something before I have all the facts. I have had to say I’m sorry several times after finding out the reasons someone acted a certain way.

When we say I’m sorry, we take responsibility for our actions. It gives us a chance to rebuild trust and heal wounds.

Acknowledge the other person’s feelings when you apologize. “I know Your feelings were hurt.”

Verywell Mind’s article, How to Apologize Sincerely and Effectively, author Elizabeth Scott PhD. says,

“A sincere apology can also bring relief, particularly if you have guilt over your actions. An apology alone doesn’t erase the hurt or make it OK, but it does establish that you know your actions or words were wrong and that you will strive harder in the future to prevent it from happening again.

Not apologizing when you are wrong can be damaging to your personal and professional relationships. It can also lead to rumination, anger, resentment, and hostility that may only grow over time.”

Saying I’m sorry can be the healing balm to soothe a conflict in a way that also says, “I love you.”

Tired of Being Tired

Do you wake up in the morning and feel like you want to sleep for at least three more hours? Do you rely on caffeine to make it through the day, and never feel rested? If you answered yes, you are not alone. Medical News Today says that “Tired all the time.” Is a common complaint. There are many different reasons for fatigue, but Medical News Today says that it is often something that can be solved with some lifestyle changes.

The first step to resolving your fatigue is to visit your doctor. Ask for a blood test to see if you have a vitamin deficiency. Dana Raphael is a clinical nutritionist. She discusses the importance of B12. “B12 helps converts food to the energy your body needs. Eating a diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, meat, and fish will help you avoid a B12 vitamin deficiency.”

Allergies can also cause fatigue because your body sends out chemicals to deal with the allergies. Discuss your allergies with your doctor.

Food is our fuel so it makes sense that it would influence our energy. Web MD lists the following as foods that promote energy.

A whole-grain bagel with cheese

Cereal with fruit and yogurt

Whole grain toast with peanut butter and fruit

A hard-boiled egg sliced in a pita

Scrambled eggs with toast and fruit

Oatmeal with raisins

There are also foods that cause fatigue. A few of those are the following.

Sugary food

White food

Baked goods

Processed food

Healthline gives the following suggestions to beat fatigue.

Eat a balanced diet

Drink at least 6-8 glasses of water a day

Sleep well

Address allergies

Eat iron-rich foods

Eat smaller meals more often to keep your blood sugar stable.

Quit smoking

Learn to relax

Sit less and exercise more

Drink less caffeine

Drink less alcohol

Do a mental health check

Find what works for you and your lifestyle. Talk to your doctor and devise a plan to get your energy back.

I trained in martial arts for eight years until I could no longer put in the necessary time commitment. I learned so much during those eight years. I learned how hard I could push my body, I learned more about relationships, and I learned valuable things about protecting myself. Karate taught me as much about how to improve my character as it taught me to improve my techniques. Let me tell you some of the wisdom I learned.

A strong work ethic and persistence pay off.

Bruce Lee said, “I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times.” Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do, excellence then is not an act, but a habit.” Our teacher worked us hard to be strong physically, and he stressed to us that we had to put in the time. He wanted us to practice our techniques over and over so that everything we did would become muscle memory. He knew if we were in a situation where we had to protect ourselves, there would be no time to think. We would need to act from instinct.

What you think is impossible is often possible.

I used to watch the higher belts perform techniques that seemed beyond my ability. I would allow frustration to take over when I was trying to learn those techniques, but then I saw improvements to the point that I could master the technique. It changed my approach to everything in my life and now I have a growth mentality, and instead of saying I cannot do that, I say, I cannot do that yet.

Be aware of your surroundings.

One of the cardinal rules of martial arts is to be aware of who and what is around you. That means you do not have earbuds in with music blasting, and you are not walking head down immersed in your phone.

Do your best to avoid a confrontation.

Don’t look vulnerable. Choose your words wisely, and don’t engage with strangers in dangerous areas. Remove yourself from the situation if you can.

If you feel threatened, devise a plan quickly.

Time is important if you feel threatened. Use your voice to call for help or to keep someone away from you. If you can, alert someone with your phone

If someone grabs you, grab back.

Another of the golden rules. Grabbing someone back helps to stabilize your balance and it gives you a chance to throw the attacker off balance.

Don’t ever go to a second location.

Our teacher always told us that if we could avoid it, stay where we were because the second location would benefit the attacker, not us.

Your body is a weapon as well as what is around you.

If you take martial arts classes, you will learn how to use your hands, head, elbows, knees, and feet as weapons. We were also told to use what was around us as defensive weapons.

Control emotions and stay relaxed.

Take a deep breath and try to keep the emotions in control.

Return to basics. The basics in anything are your foundation. If your techniques are strong, you need to make sure your foundation is strong.

Be careful who you trust.

I learned a lot about the variety of personalities with whom we interact. I tend to be very trusting, but there are many people who want to take advantage of us.

I would recommend that everyone takes a basic defense class to protect themselves. It was so much more than that for me. It was life-changing.

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like you have been beaten up emotionally? You wish you could find a place to rest and tend to your mental state. I found myself feeling this way yesterday, and I thought about what it is like in martial arts when you cannot take any more punishment and you have the option to tap your opponent or the ground to signal you want to stop because you have had enough. Sometimes, we need to do the same thing in life for our mental health. We need to step back out of the daily interactions and reflect on them. We need some time to heal mentally.

Brian Hallam lists some strategies for controlling your emotions. Here are some ideas to try on those days you feel like tapping out.

Take stock of your emotions. Reflect on why you are feeling the way you are. If your emotions are because of conflict, ask if you should try to resolve it, or give it time to calm down.

Accept your emotions as valid feelings. Don’t feel guilty about how you feel.

Keep a mood journal.

Give yourself some space.

Here are a few of my own ideas to use on those tough emotional days.

Take a break from social media.

Do the things you love to do.

Pamper yourself.

Eat the foods you love.

Get some rest. I know my negative emotions are stronger when I’m tired.

Get outside and move.

I hope these ideas help, and if you need professional help, reach out and do not stay silent in your struggle.

When our border collie Bandit first joined our family, I wasn’t sure he was a good fit for our family. I had recently retired and was looking forward to some quiet time to write, read, and take some naps, and suddenly, here was this beautiful, crazy, loving, Tasmanian devil of boundless energy. It has not always been easy, but I know what a blessing he is and one of the best gifts he has given us is laughter. Here are a few of the moments that have made us laugh.

When it rains, I leave a towel near the door to wipe off Bandit because we live in Georgia, the home of red clay. Rain, red clay, and the dog are not a pretty combination. Later that morning, I stepped out of the shower and started to dry off with a towel that was on the floor. I looked at the towel and realized that it was covered with dried red clay. Somehow the dog towel had made its way upstairs. I think the look on my face must have been comical because my daughter could not stop laughing as she said, “So, I guess you are going to take another shower?”

Bandit loves to play with the neighborhood dogs. He was coming out to play with Floyd, the dog of our neighbors, Vanessa, and Greg. Bandit came running full speed at Vanessa to greet her. I turned to her and said, “He’s not going to stop.” Bless his heart, he hit her so hard, that it knocked her out of her clogs. She was fine but turned to me and said, “Oh, my God, he knocked me out of my shoes!”

I was worried he would not get along with the cats, but I had no idea how well they would do together. They like to lie on top of his toys to see his reaction, but he lies down in front of one cat so the cat can lick his head.

He loves to play with sticks, and he will bring them to you so you can play tug of war with him. My husband was by the side of the pool cleaning it when Bandit came running full speed with a huge branch. John looked up, through the scrubber, and into the pool he went.

We laugh at the way he sleeps on his back with his tongue hanging out, and the way he chases his tail when no one wants to play with him. I know he will make me smile several times every day and I am very grateful for that.