Jennifer’s writing

It is difficult to avoid drama entirely in our lives, but there are ways we can control it. Do you have someone in your life who likes to stir the drama pot, spreading gossip and playing people against each other? Do you have colleagues or family members who like to elicit a reaction from you, and try to push your buttons? Do you know a master manipulator who sees people as pawns on the gameboard of his self-gain?  All these situations can cause drama and stress in our lives, but there are positive ways to react to the negative to diffuse these issues. Let me give you some suggestions that I have learned through personal experience.

Let’s talk about the drama pot-stirrer first. This person thrives on drama and loves to create it, listen to it, and watch it play out. What you need to know about this person is that he or she will always repeat what you divulge as a secret, and what you say will probably be slightly twisted from what you originally said. It’s a little like the game of telephone where you whisper a sentence from person to person and at the end, the sentence is something totally different. What I would suggest to help with this situation is to not share private information with this person. Also, when the pot-stirrer tells you that someone said something about you, check the facts. It may seem awkward or immature to ask someone if they said something about you, but it could diffuse a potentially volatile situation, and it may show the pot-stirrer the error of his or her ways, although they usually can’t stop stirring. Communication can solve a lot of problems.

Now, let’s talk about the person who likes to push your buttons and knows just what to say to see a reaction. I had someone close to me who caused me a great deal of stress by doing this. One day I realized that it takes at least two people to have a drama, and if I refused to participate, my life would be so much easier. One day, I said to her, “I love you, but I’m done with all the drama you create. From this point on, I refuse to be a part of it.” I know that seems too simple, but it worked. When she tries to make something seem like I am being irrational or causing a problem, I answer her calmly, tell her my reasoning, and refuse to become upset. One of the hardest things for me to ignore is when someone makes a false claim about something I do. I instantly want to confront the person and tell them I don’t do that, but you have to pick your battles, and sometimes you have to be content to rest in the truth.

My amazing husband cannot discuss political issues without becoming angry, and it drives him a little crazy that I remain calm and refuse to throw emotions into the mix. The quickest way to diffuse a volatile, emotionally charged situation is to remain calm and rational. Give it a try and be amazed at this magical technique.     

Finally, the master manipulator will leave people behind in her quest to self-promote. Be careful because this person is often very charming and capable of presenting herself in a positive light. This sounds cowardly, but I would avoid this person as much as possible because you will have to use all your anti-drama techniques and you will have to add positive confrontation. That means you must remain calm, not engage in emotions, don’t share private information, and when necessary, diffuse the problem by addressing it in a positive way. When you have a positive confrontation start off with something like, “I know you didn’t realize the impact of what you did, but…” If your attempts to solve the problem don’t work, you may need to ask a third party to be a mediator.

Drama is all around us because we are full of emotions, but it doesn’t have to affect us negatively or control our lives. I hope these techniques help you.

In Nedra Mcdaniel’s article, It’s All About Perspective, she says, “I need to remember to ask myself, “Did you have a bad day or allow a bad moment to turn into a bad day?” We have the power to turn our day around with our attitude.

How many times have you seen a woman who seems to juggle a million things in her life and yet she seems calm and in control? Before you begin to ask yourself why you cannot seem to do it all, let me provide you with a little insight into the life of the woman who seems to be able to balance family and career with ease. I propose that these women only do one thing better than other women and that is they know the importance of attitude. For every situation we find ourselves in, we have choices about how we will react. Every day, we can choose how we view and react to the people and things around us in either a positive or negative way.

I have been told many times that I always seem calm and balanced, but my close friends know the ugly truth. My friends and family think it is hysterical that every time my husband leaves on business, unbelievable things befall me and when he is home, life runs extremely smoothly. I have learned to first deal with whatever happens as best I can, then laugh at the situation, and then call both my friends and family to tell them about the newest incident. They know what to expect when they hear me say “You are not going to believe this but….” Let me give you several of the tamer examples.

One day, we were leaving with seconds to spare to get to the school bus. I turned to tell my son to be careful because the porch was slippery and I then stepped on a patch of ice and although I did not fall, my book bag went flying. Pens were sticking out of leaf piles; papers were blowing down the road. I scooped up what I could and continued to the van where I discovered the doors were frozen shut. When I finally managed to pry open the door, it then would not shut. I drove to daycare holding the driver’s door while my daughter cheered me on saying “c’mon mommy you can do it. Don’t let go! Hold on tight.” When I arrived at school with my precious cup of coffee, I was turning the corner to my room when I slipped on an errant backpack strap and the coffee went everywhere. The girls sitting near the backpack looked horrified and did not know what to do. I started laughing and went to get paper towels. They helped me clean it up and even treated me to a reenactment of how I looked when I slipped.

Today, I came home to find a hawk trapped on our porch. Not a small, pretty, easy-to-chase out-the-door bird, but a hawk! Complete with sharp beak and talons. At first, I had the bright idea to try to shoo him out with a broom, but as I was poking him with the broom, I took a good look at the beady eyes and those talons and decided that maybe the whole broom thing was not a good idea. I convinced one of our science teachers to come and liberate the bird. Did I mention that he had huge talons?

Unfortunately, I could continue to tell more of these stories, but my point is that whenever these events unfold, I can change the outcome and how I feel about that outcome with my attitude and by keeping a sense of humor. I can also teach my children how to react in less than favorable situations. Considering how many things have gone wrong, I think they have the picture. In my opinion, almost everything that we do in life or have to deal with in life can follow this rule. It does not matter what happens to you but how you deal with it. I choose to find the positive whenever possible. Since I think my husband will continue to travel, and I have a feeling that the bizarre incidents will continue, it is a remedy that works for me as well as allowing me a chance to entertain my friends.

I love our border collie puppy Bandit, but he is a whirling dervish. He doesn’t do anything calmly or slowly. He tears out the door, super excited about playing and meeting new people. He is gentle and loving and would not willingly hurt a soul, but his behavior can be annoying and scary if you don’t know him which means that we have had to worry about the behavior with our neighbors.

On the website, www.dogtime.com, they say, “We need to be good dog parents and neighbors. If we aren’t, we put stress on others in our community.” Here are a few suggestions that might help the relationship between your dog and the neighbors.

Communication is important. Talk to your neighbors about your dog and include the dog’s temperament and be transparent about any issues you are having with training or behavior. Your neighbors will be more understanding if something goes wrong if you include them in the discussion. The neighbors closest to our house have a fourteen-year-old beagle named Joey. He is amazing and he and my cat are best friends, but he becomes territorial with dogs. He and Bandit had been doing well even though Bandit wanted to sniff, poke, and jump while Joey looked like he wanted to say, “Dude, I’m 14. I don’t jump.” Joey injured a disc in his back, and our neighbor told us he was worried that having Bandit off the leash near him might be too much. Because we communicated, we keep Bandit on the leash when we come out near his house. We have neighbors across the street who have a small puppy that Bandit loves to play with, but one of the little boys is very afraid of bigger dogs. When he comes over, I let him stay in our garden enclosure so he can watch Bandit catch frisbees. I love seeing his courage as he will move closer to Bandit as time goes by.   

Keep your yard clear of dog waste because odors and fleas will drift into the neighbor’s yard. Carry poop bags when you are walking in the neighborhood in case your dog wants to relieve himself in the neighbor’s yard.

In the article, 5 Ways You and Your Dog Can Be Good Neighbors by Sassafras Lowrey, she suggests, “Leash your dog unless he is behind a fence. Don’t allow your dog to uninvitedly approach adults, children, or other dogs. Seek consent first.” We all think our dogs are amazing, but we shouldn’t assume that everyone else will feel the same. We let Bandit run free in the backyard because he has so much energy, I think he might explode if he couldn’t run the crazy out, but I either am playing with him or working in the garden while he slays the sticks. He has seen neighbors once or twice and raced over to play, but he is getting better at staying put, and our neighbors have been very understanding.   

Barking seems to be the issue that causes the most problems. I have heard of several situations where a dog barks non-stop and when someone mentioned it to the owner, the owner acted as if it wasn’t an issue. Your first step though is to speak to the owner and explain that the barking is a problem for you. You could also suggest that the owner buy one of the stop barking aids or talk to a dog trainer.

I hope these help and that your dog and your neighbors have a great relationship.

People are fascinating and they all have their unique stories to tell. Most people want to tell you all about themselves, but what if you need to know more about someone whether it is during a job interview, your daughter’s fiancée, or someone you can help if you have more information? How do you help someone tell a story and open up?

During forty years of teaching, it was part of my job to learn to listen well and that is the first step in learning more about a person. Ask a simple question and give the person your attention as he answers. Don’t interrupt or finish the sentence, just listen.

Be aware of the vibe of a person. Some people’s body language screams their personality. You can tell if they are timid, extroverted, moody, or energetic before they even open their mouths. Knowing the personality can help you know how to start the conversation.

Be aware of your own body language. If you want someone to talk with you, be relaxed and completely turned towards the person. Look as if you are interested in what the person is about to say.

Use silence to encourage the other person to speak. We often try to fill in the silence, but if you wait a minute before you ask another question or add a comment, the person speaking will add more information.

Repeat the person’s statement in a question. An example would be if the person said, “In five years, I would like to be a manager.” You say, “So, in five years, you want to be a manager?” The person will add to the information.

Enjoy finding out about the people around you as they tell their stories.

I would not attempt to offer advice on treatment for Covid, but I would like to share some words from a doctor I had called to talk to about the long-term fatigue I was trying to overcome. I think it helps to hear about other people who are also struggling with long-term symptoms, and what the doctor said to me was unexpected and has inspired me since our phone call.

When I had Covid in August, I was lucky to have a mild case with a fever for three days, congestion, and fatigue. I remember telling my husband that it was different than anything I had ever had because the symptoms changed several times. First, I had a strange coating on my throat, but it wasn’t sore. That went away when the fever came, and then a day into the fever, the congestion and the fatigue set in. The fatigue was odd because nothing hurt, but I was so tired I didn’t want to get out of bed. The fatigue continued for over a month, and I finally called a doctor through Teladoc for some suggestions. His words helped me more than any medication could have.

As a runner, I am used to doctors telling me to take it easy, cut back on my running, and rest. The doctor I spoke with told me I should practice deep breathing to make sure I was taking in enough oxygen, but then he said, “Push yourself to the limit physically as often as you can. Don’t let this thing win.” I said, “Did you just tell me to push myself?” He said, “Yes, beat this thing.”

First, I wish I had written down his name because he is the doctor, I want for the rest of my life. Second, he gave me the motivation to start fighting against the disease without drugs, and third, he justified my conviction that this illness is more than just another form of flu-like illness. Once I knew that I wasn’t the only one fighting this fatigue and that a doctor was being my cheerleader by telling me to get stronger instead of giving in to it, I felt so much better.

I caught covid again in February and the symptoms this time were different except for the lingering fatigue. Both times, after I felt I was better, I would have fatigue days where I just wanted to stay in bed, but I would hear the doctor’s words, and I would go for a run or push through the day. I didn’t want Covid to have any power over me, and the doctor’s words helped me to fight against that.

I hope the description of my situation helps you and that you see a doctor if you are having long-term symptoms. Don’t think it is in your head, and keep searching for ways to get better.

I love having my three children and three grandchildren in my house. The truth is I have always loved a little chaos and a house filled with laughter, talking, and someone asking me to do something for them. My youngest is in her junior year of college and in a serious relationship with a boy who wants to live in Greenland. (Please tell me you all just said, “What?!” because I had the same reaction.) I recently asked her if she was thinking of moving out, and she said she would be with us until the end of college and probably another year after that. Now, although I was hoping she would stay until she was at least forty, (just kidding), I am not ready for all my children to be out of the house yet, but I know I must start preparing so I am not an emotional wreck. Anna Hoffman, PhD., a licensed psychologist at Thrive psychology in California says, “ Many caregivers will experience a sense of loss, loneliness, worry, and sadness when adult children leave the home.” She also goes on to say that parents can look at it as an opportunity to start a new chapter and experience new things. Here are some ideas I found to prepare for this in case you find yourself in the same situation.   

Take up a new interest

Start doing something you have always wanted to do but maybe didn’t have the time. It could be improving your cooking skills, woodworking, crafts, or anything else that would interest you. Not only will you be gaining a new skill, but you will also be taking your mind off of missing your children.

Reconnect with others

Reach out to friends and family and set up times to get together or to connect with video chats. Join a gym, take a class, or join a club to make even more connections.

Adopt a pet

A pet will need nurturing and love and will give love and comfort in return. You can also tell him how you are feeling about being an empty nester and he will be an attentive listener.

Reconnect with yourself

Many of us find our identities tied up to our children and we may need to rediscover who we are as individuals.

Journal

Writing is a great way to release your emotions and it is an inexpensive form of therapy.

Volunteer

Serving others makes you feel good and it will take your mind off of missing your children.

Garden

This is another form of nurturing as you help the plants to grow and thrive. You can also talk to the plants, and you will have a captive audience.  

I hope these ideas help, and I am sure I will have to write at least one more article about this phase of life, so stay tuned!

Even professional athletes who put a massive amount of time into training know the importance of a recovery day. When the body has been working hard, it needs a chance to repair and rebuild. I think our mental health needs the same thing. We need to let our minds rest and restore.

Dr. Ashley Hampton, a licensed psychologist, tells Healthline, “If you feel overwhelmed, stressed, have trouble focusing or concentrating on work or at home, or are more irritable, then you may want to consider taking a mental health day. If you think about your life as a plate with sections for work, family, life, and things you like to do, and the plate is overflowing in all areas but the things you like to do, it is time for you to take a break and participate in self-care,”

On your recovery day, do what makes you feel good and what you enjoy doing. Don’t do chores or worry about being productive. It’s a day to destress and rest your mind.

When I take a recovery day, a run is always part of the plan because running always calms me down. On most runs, though I am thinking about articles or deadlines or chores that I have to do. On the recovery days, I let my mind go blank and I enjoy listening and watching what is going on around me. At some point in the day, I will curl up with a book and lose myself in someone else’s story. The choice is yours about what activities will calm your mind.

You should not feel guilty about taking this time for yourself because the next day you will be more relaxed, positive, and productive.

Social media can be an effective life tool, but it can also cause some havoc too. Let’s look at the good, the bad, and the ugly, and see if there is a good way to navigate it.

On the website, Thumbs Down. Speak up., The role of social media in our children’s lives is discussed. They say, “They socialize, experiment with their identities, exercise their voices, and learn about the world through the use of technology.” Social media can open up a conversation with our children about many of the real-life situations they will encounter with social media and beyond. We can use it as a tool to teach them how to resolve conflict, show respect, and discern the difference between reality and a false representation of reality.

Probably the first thing to discuss with them is that what they see and hear on social media is often a distorted reality. People paint a pretty picture of themselves that often isn’t true, so it is a great time to talk about what happiness and success are, avoid comparisons, and reflect on what they see instead of automatically accepting it as truth.

Social media is often about promotion whether that promotion is for a product, a business, or a person. It helps to keep that in mind when scrolling through the posts. It is a great way to promote a business or to get the word out about a service or a message. It can help with a civic engagement like fundraising, and social awareness.

A positive aspect of social media is its ability to connect us. We can reconnect with friends and family and stay in contact to know about major events like marriages, births, and deaths. It is also useful to know when someone is in need and needs some support. It also is useful to ask questions especially as we navigate the side effects of Covid. It is valuable to hear ways others have recovered from symptoms.

In The Boy’s and Girl’s Clubs of America’s article, Effects of Social Media on Teens; Understanding Recent Headlines, 40% of Instagram’s users are 22 years old and younger with about 22 million teens logging onto the site each day. They state that teens who struggle with mental health say that Instagram makes it worse, but they feel compelled to spend time on it, so they aren’t missing out.

Social media can bring out the best and the worse in people, but you have the power about how to respond internally and externally. Let me give you an example of the negative side. Last night, I was reading Facebook when I saw a post where a friend made a comment about a political figure. She was very excited about the potential for the good she thought this person could do and the post was very positive. There was a response to the post that in my opinion was very negative, condescending, and unnecessary. When emotions start to take over a discussion, it’s probably best to change the subject. I said to my husband, “And that’s why it’s better to talk about things like oh, look the roses are doing great! When it comes to Facebook, when the crazy comes out in people, just scroll on by.

Beware of the shiny falsehoods too. All those beautiful pictures with the beautiful house, perfect children, and the dog du jour might hide some ugly truths. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. Be glorious in your beautiful imperfections.

Here’s the bottom line. Limit your time on social media because it can be addictive, realize how many likes you receive is not a measure of your worth, have conversations with your children about it, (often), enjoy interacting with family and friends, and if someone is on your feed whose posts aggravate you instead of making you smile, I think you know what to do.

It has been proven that dogs are good for our physical and mental health, but I had no idea what a positive impact our puppy would have on our family. I remember when my friend Lynn, who is a dog trainer stopped me while I was running in the neighborhood to tell me she was going to rescue a dog. I asked her to tell me about it because our dog Lilly had died several months before and I missed having a dog. Before I knew it, my husband and I were walking a four-month-old border collie back to our house, and the rescue dog began to rescue us.

The first few days were a little overwhelming for me because I wasn’t prepared for the energy level and the time that the dog needed. Even though I’m the dog lover in the family, I told my husband we might not be good enough for the dog because he is so smart, and I was surprised when my husband told me everything would be fine. Thank goodness we kept him. Let me tell you why.

My husband is a recovering alcoholic. When he was in rehab, his doctor warned him that many alcoholics switch their addiction from alcohol to something else. If he had a new addiction, I would say it was either food or work and both can be dangerous for your health in excess. His job is sedentary, so he is in front of the computer for hours at a time. Our dog gives him a reason to get out of his chair and take him out for a walk. He has become more active with the dog. They go on long walks at the park, and he takes him out when he works in the yard. I also know our dog offers him the emotional comfort that we all need.

My youngest daughter suffers from anxiety. The dog can calm her when she is anxious. She has him at her feet while she is taking an online test and petting him and talking to him helps her relax. They chase each other around the house, and I love hearing her laughter as she plays with him.  

Bandit has brought us closer as a family. His antics make us laugh, there have been a few moments when we have had to help each other through a situation, and the gentleness and love he gives us is a gift. I am very thankful to have been rescued by this dog.

How good of a listener are you? Do you focus on the person who is speaking to you or do you multitask while speaking, trying to carry on a conversation while still getting other things done? Do you sometimes turn off and tune out when a family member is talking to you about something that isn’t really interesting to you?

Those things and more contribute to what kind of listening skills or ear q you have. Listening is a skill that most of us do not do well yet the benefits that being a good listener can provide are endless. Most of the time someone is not listening for understanding, they are waiting for a chance to talk about themselves. Stephen Covey says “Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” We could all communicate so much better if our listening skills were stronger. Here are some ways to refine your listening skills.

Focus completely

When someone is speaking to you, stop doing e-mail, texting, or thinking about the next thing that you want to do. Focus completely on the person in front of you. When you give someone your complete attention you are validating the importance of that person to you. In turn, you will earn the reputation of someone who really cares about both people and issues. When you seem distracted when someone is speaking to you, it can cause them to shut down instead of opening up and sharing information that could be beneficial for you to know. Listening fully demonstrates that you respect others. It is the first step in building trust and rapport.

Don’t Make It About You

Being heard is not more important than hearing. Seek understanding before seeking to be understood. Many times instead of really listening, we are waiting for a chance to interrupt to make our point or add our story. What if we listened to understand to find shared values and to hear inspiration?

Knowledge and wisdom are not gained by talking but by listening. Listening is not about you so don’t worry about what you are going to say and focus on what’s being said.

Repeat and paraphrase

Repeat what someone says to you and summarize what you have heard. This shows you are listening for understanding and repeating back what you have heard encourages the speaker to continue to expound on the topic which will give you a greater context about what the speaker is trying to communicate.

Watch for Non-verbal clues

Listening is more than just hearing words; it is also about being aware of body language and non-verbal communication. What is the person saying with the facial expressions or body language that is not coming through in words?

Ask questions

Ask questions about what you are hearing. Not only does this show that you are fully engaged in the conversation but also you will learn more about the topic being discussed and you will make the person feel valued because you care about what he or she is saying.

 expressions or body language that is not coming through in words?

Patience

Don’t interrupt or jump to answer. Listen to what is being said and be patient while the speaker communicates a message.

Don’t try to solve a problem

If someone has come for advice, realize that sometimes someone just wants empathy and understanding. You can help someone reach a solution on his or her own just by asking questions and letting them answer and work through the problem themselves. Sometimes all someone needs to do is voice the problem and get it off his or her chest. Do not interrupt them or try to one-up the person in the problem area. “Phew, you think you’ve got it bad. Listen to what happened to me.” Let the person explain fully and let it be completely that person explaining and you trying to hear the explanation.

Learn through listening

If you are speaking, you are not learning. We sometimes feel that we need to add something to a conversation just to be heard and let people know that we are an active participant. We could be so much more valuable if we listened more than we spoke. During your next conversation or meeting, stay silent and observe while others do the talking. After you think you have understood all aspects of the dialogue, then you can comment. Experiment to see if it makes a difference.

Assess through stories

Listening to the stories that people reveal is an easy way to get to know people. It’s a great way to find out more about a potential job candidate. People reveal character and values as they share stories; all you have to do is listen.

Listen for need

Everyone needs to be listened to at some point. Even rock stars need encouragement and a chance to share. People will show you their needs with body language or a sigh. When someone looks like they are carrying the weight of the world ask them about it. Be that person who lifts people up because there may be a time when you need the same support.

Be available

Don’t be too busy to listen to someone. It may be a lost opportunity that you will never have again. Your 14 year old might need to share something that is crucial even if only in her life. Stay open to those conversations and the possibilities for relationships that are all around you every day. Make eye contact, say hello, ask questions and then see where the conversation leads. As human beings we need connections and listening is a great way to connect.

Listening is a skill that most of us do not do very well. It is also a valuable learning tool as well as an excellent way to build connections and communication. It is a way to validate someone and a great interviewing method.

Listening is a skill that we can practice and hone and the benefits impact both us and those around us. Experiment with listening completely without interrupting, without making it about you, and see what you can learn.