Jennifer’s writing

Most doctors will tell you that resting enough is a smart idea to maintain good health, and athletic trainers will tell you that adequate rest is an important part of any training routine. Here is a portion of the article, Why it’s important to allow yourself to rest on the Integris Health site.

“So many Americans are caught in the grind of work, family responsibilities, and ongoing stress. Often, we only allow ourselves to truly rest on holidays or vacations. However, it’s so important to prioritize adequate rest and quality sleep in your everyday life. Rest and sleep are two different things, but both are equally important to your mental, emotional, and physical health. Plus, prioritizing rest can improve your quality of sleep.

Rest can be difficult to define because it can look different for everyone. Rest is any behavior aimed at increasing physical or mental well-being. It can be active, such as going for a walk outside, or passive, such as taking 10 minutes to sit down and breathe deeply. Regardless of how you choose to rest, these daily behaviors can help you recover and recharge from physical and mental efforts. That’s why better rest is linked to better physical and mental health.”

So, if we all agree it is important, why do we have so much trouble doing it? The easy answer is that most of us don’t make time for it. We live in a culture that rewards productivity, so we sometimes feel guilty if we are not doing something. I spent an hour reading on the porch today and I kept thinking there was probably something more important I should be doing, but what is more important than recharging and renewing? Most of us have all sorts of responsibilities and only 24 hours to complete them. It is easy to see why we are stressed and tired.

Another reason we struggle to rest well is that we are so connected to our tech. We go to our phones when we have downtime, and social media can cause more stress or stimulation than it can relax us.

Some of us are also not wired to relax. I have trouble sitting still for very long if I am not doing a task. I also have so many things I want to do that the idea of curling up on the couch usually doesn’t work for me. The rare times that I have climbed under the covers to watch television, someone in my family asks me if I’m o.k.

What can we do to rest more? How can we make it a priority? Here are a few ideas.

Give yourself breaks. This could be a day when you disconnect from your phone, or you don’t have to do some of your responsibilities like cleaning the house.

What can you ask others to do? We try to take it all on ourselves when we could delegate some things. This goes for at home too. Give everyone a chore.

Set boundaries for your time. Your time is valuable so decide how you need to protect it.

Get outside more. Nature can have a relaxing effect on you.

Leave for work or other obligations a little earlier so you have a time cushion and will be less stressed.

Use calming music to relax.

I know finding time to rest is not always easy, but we can be better at everything we do if we are doing it fully charged.

I have had some comments on my articles that expressed the emotional pain some readers were feeling. Although I read all my comments, I don’t respond to all of them for various reasons, but for those who expressed their pain, I didn’t respond right away because I wanted my response to be helpful in some way, and not just a quick reply, so to the responders to my article, Are you lonely, and Love at first sight, this article is for you. I hope it helps.

There are so many different types of emotional pain, so I am going to focus on dealing with loneliness and the loss of a loved one.

Loneliness

On www.cigna.com, the article, How to deal with loneliness, says, “Loneliness is not an abstract condition that affects only certain kinds of people. The truth is that feelings of loneliness can affect anyone—young, old, and in-between—and at any point in life.”

Loneliness can affect people differently. It can affect you either physically, mentally, or both. It can negatively affect your health, so finding ways to alleviate it are positive steps to making life better for you. Here are a few ideas to cope with loneliness.

Push yourself to spend time with others even though loneliness sometimes makes you want to withdraw socially. It can feel safe to stay at home but going out into the world and interacting will help.

Do you know other people who are lonely? Help them out by asking them to go for coffee, out to eat, or to the movies.

Join a gym and talk to at least one person each time you go. (This means you have to go.)

If you belong to a church, join some of the social events they offer.

Volunteer in your neighborhood.

Adopt a pet. Taking care of an animal can lift your loneliness. You will have an animal who needs and loves you, and it is a great way to meet people when you go out for walks.

Talk to strangers. My family hates that I talk to everyone, but how else will you meet fascinating people if you don’t start some conversations. Be careful of course because not all strangers are safe to speak with.

You must know you have value. I read a comment from someone online as I was researching this that broke my heart. The person said he would always be lonely because no one wanted to be around him. Don’t give up on finding the right people to surround yourself with, they are out there. You have to find your people, sometimes it only takes a while.

Consider seeing a therapist. Going to an expert to talk out your feelings could be a good idea.

Disconnect from social media from time to time because being too connected can make you feel lonelier sometimes.

Find some hobbies you enjoy. Feeling busier may relieve some of the feelings of loneliness.

I hope these give you a few ideas to try. Don’t give in to loneliness. Find ways to connect.

Loss of a loved one

At www.healgrief.org, they describe grief in this way, “Grief is personal and individual, and every person experiences its nuances differently. Your personality, your support system, your natural coping mechanisms, and many other things will determine how a loss will affect you. There are no rules, no timetables, and no linear progression. Some people feel better after a few weeks or months, and for others, it may take years. And in the midst of recovery, there may be setbacks — this nonlinear process can’t be controlled. It’s critical that you treat yourself with patience and compassion and allow the process to unfold.”

Here are a few ideas on coping with losing a loved one.

Allow yourself to grieve.

I am not good at following this advice because I am very emotional and feel things deeply. When I lost my parents and my sister, I had the same experience emotionally each time. Because I feel so deeply, grieving completely right after the death of loved ones is too much for me. I push the emotions away and deal with them bit by bit. This did not work out well after my sister died. My mom died when I was 33 and my oldest sister was like a mom for the next 30 years. She was also the person who could tell if something was wrong or if I was tired just by hearing my voice. When her health started to fail, I knew my husband and children were worried about how I would deal with her death. When she died, I felt I had to be strong for her children and the rest of the family, so I kept pushing the emotions away until they overwhelmed me when I least expected it. Growing up, whenever any of us went anywhere, my mom would say, “Call me when you get there.” My sister continued it after my mom. My nephew had come to visit and as he left, he said, “I’ll call you when I get there.” At that moment, I heard all the times that sentence had been said in love, and the emotions swamped me. I ran inside and cried on the kitchen floor until all the pain I had been pushing away could be dealt with.

Express your grief through writing in a journal or make a scrapbook or photo journal to preserve memories of the person you lost.

Take care of yourself. You may feel numb or lethargic, but you may feel better if you go for a walk or do something you enjoy.

Ask for help. After someone passes, there is lots of activity at first as people send cards and drop off meals, but then it becomes very quiet. Ask for help if you are feeling lonely or need something. Most people want to help but are not sure how to help.

Join a support group where you can share your grief with others going through the same thing.

Don’t look for relief in unhealthy ways. Alcohol and drugs will only temporarily numb the pain and will probably lead to more problems.

I truly hope these suggestions help and I would love to hear comments on things that have worked for you.

Dogs have personalities like we do, but what determines how that personality develops? Is it because of their breed, their environment, their experiences, or all these things and more?

In the article, Dogs and Their Owners Share Similar Personality Traits, Megan Schmidt says, “A paper published in The Journal of Research in Personality says a dog’s personality reflects the personality of its owner. It also explains that dogs experience personality changes similar to how humans do over the course of their lives. She goes on to say that dogs’ personalities change as they grow older and are influenced by lifestyle and experience. She also states that a recent study found that dog behavioral tendencies are distinct and are rooted in their DNA.

In the article, How Much of a Dog’s Personality Comes from Their Owner, PETMD says that people tend to choose dogs who have personality traits like their own. Do you think you have the same personality as your dog? Our dog Bandit is high energy, curious, loving, gentle, stubborn, funny, and very intelligent. I can claim all those traits except for super-intelligent, and I probably only think I am funny.

PETMD also states that dogs have the ability to read and match human emotions. Dr. Lisa Pinn McFaddin says, “Dogs are true empaths. They can sense minute physiologic changes in people and animals and respond accordingly.

In a new study in Science, Kathleen Morrill, a dog geneticist, says a dog’s breed is not a good predictor of behavior. They concluded that breed explains only 9 percent of behavioral variation. That doesn’t mean people don’t have stereotypes about the personalities of certain breeds. We had a beautiful black Pitbull named Lily. Most of the time when I told someone I had a Pitbull, the reaction was, “Oh!” It bothered me because she did not deserve the stereotype of a vicious dog. So many different factors go into the development of their personalities.

How does your dog show personality? Have you seen the personality change over time?

I have so much to learn from life, and I will never pretend to be wise, but there are certain things I have learned the hard way, and I wish someone could have spared me the pain by teaching me about the situations ahead of time. I hope a few of the following thoughts might help you.

Choose your friends carefully. I have a lot of people I enjoy being around, but I only have a handful of close friends. I used to think that meant maybe there was something wrong with me because I didn’t have more, but I discovered that when it comes to friends, you should pick quality over quantity. It took me several toxic relationships to learn that friendship should not hurt.

Make memories. We can become caught up in our responsibilities so much that we forget that it is also important to play. Spend time with the ones you love, and find fun activities to do together,

You cannot make everyone happy, so do what makes you happy. I used to worry about what other people thought, but then I realized that no matter what I did, there would be people who thought it was great, and others who would criticize it.

Imperfections are beautiful. Trying to be perfect must be exhausting because you must do so much to maintain it, and you never really achieve actual perfection. Be the best version of yourself because imperfections are more interesting.

Understand an action before you react to it. I used to sign my students up for a national exam, and even on a good day, it took a lot of time that I did not have to spare. One year, everything on the website was glitching, so I called up the woman in charge and had a temper tantrum. The woman on the phone was so kind and understanding. At that moment, she taught me a valuable lesson, and I said, “Lisa, the next time someone has a temper tantrum with me, I’m going to react the same way you did.”

Don’t feel guilty about self-care. Taking care of yourself affects everything you do. If you are at your best health-wise, you can do your best work.

Do nothing sometimes. I am high-energy and driven to perform, but I am becoming better at curling up on the couch or sitting on the porch. Rest is restorative.

Follow your dreams even if the people around you don’t understand them.

I hope some of these resonate with you and help lift you up.

Do you often wish you knew what your dog is trying to tell you? Your dog probably feels the same way, but there are some ways to improve communication with our canines. The book, What Your Dog Is Trying to Tell You says, “Are they really understanding us? If the results of a study by scientists in Hungary are to be believed, then yes, it would appear that they are. The researchers scanned 13 dogs in an MRI scanner and monitored their brains while they spoke to them. Not only did they discover that the dogs were processing language in the same way as us-that is by using the left side of the brain to figure word meaning and the right to process intonation-they were able to combine the two to figure the overall meaning.” Psychologist and canine researcher, Dr. Stanley Coren says, “Dogs can learn around 165 words and signals.”  It has also been proven that they can read our facial expressions, and they learn to understand our body language.

So, if they can understand what we are saying, how do they respond back? They use body language to express what they are feeling. In Listening to Your Dog’s Body Signals, Pat Miller says, “Dogs are primarily body language communicators. While they are certainly able to understand many of the words we speak to them, their first language is body talk.”

Here are some tricks to read their body language. If they are angry, their body is tense with the tail up. And the teeth may be bared. A happy dog will have a relaxed body and tail, and the dog may be bouncing or jumping. A worried dog will carry the tail low, with ears down, and may lick his lips. A stressed dog may cower, with his tail tucked, ears back, and he may be trembling. Rolling on his back can be a sign of fear, but it can also be saying “I’m not a threat.”, or “I trust you.”

We can inadvertently make some mistakes with our body language. Eye contact should be done sparingly because dogs see it as a threat. Bending forward over the top of a dog can also bother them as well as reaching over them to pat the head.

Every dog is slightly different just like their owners, so enjoy figuring each other out as you learn a common way of communicating.  

Is it easy or difficult for you to ask for help? It is interesting to see the different perspectives of people when it comes to asking for help. Some see it as a sign of weakness, a failure to achieve, showing inexperience, or a lack of knowledge. What if it is a sign of strength, a way of using your resources to learn, or saving valuable time?

In the article, How to ask for help when you need it, Lolly Daskal says, “I am not sure how it began, but there is a definite belief among many people that asking for help is a sign of weakness. In my work as a leadership coach, I see it again and again in all kinds of organizations, companies, and teams: very smart people need help but don’t ask for it, and their refusal ends up keeping them from being as productive and effective as they could be otherwise.”

My husband is a good example of how refusing to ask for help can hurt your productivity. He will tell you that he wishes he was better at delegating work to others, but it is hard for him to release control over projects to others. He is overwhelmed with the amount of work he must produce, and unfortunately, much of his day is eaten up with meetings and phone calls. He will start on a project, and then another distraction happens. He could easily delegate some of his work, but he is afraid if it isn’t done well, it will reflect badly on him. He also refuses to ask for help with the many home upkeep projects because he feels he should be able to take care of it all himself.

Psychology Today describes why it is hard to ask for help. “In a society that praises self-help and self-reliance, it is becoming increasingly difficult for us to ask our colleagues, friends, and even our family for the assistance we need. The mere thought of asking for help can eat away at our ego, undermine our confidence, make us question our abilities, and even paralyze us with anxiety. Yet in modern life—at a time when we are more digitally connected and emotionally detached than ever—the stark reality is that no one can go it alone.”

I was the director of mentoring at my school and when I first started, I was excited to help new teachers acclimate to the school. What I didn’t expect was that some people would see being in the mentor program as an insult. No matter how many years you have been doing something, there is always more to be learned, so I was surprised at the attitude that they didn’t need any help. In this case, not asking for help can limit your opportunities to learn and grow.

Asking for help from experts for what we are trying to do can help us learn how to do something correctly the first time, and most people enjoy helping.

Here are a few ideas to help you ask for help.

Be specific about what you need.

Ask politely instead of framing it like a demand.

Be helpful to others to inspire a climate of helpfulness.

Be understanding of others’ time constraints.

Realize that most people will feel honored to be asked for help.

Do you believe in love at first sight? What can cause an immediate attraction to someone? Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, a licensed marriage and family therapist says, “For others who have felt it—and hoped it would last forever—they’ve described it as “an immediate sense of a person” even if you only see them from across the room at a party or get introduced when a new person joins the company you work for, or a friend brings someone new along for an evening out. “It is an immediate reaction, usually first about the way a person looks, how they are dressed, their physical motions, their voice, and how they look at you,” adds O’Neill. “There is a feeling in one’s gut that there is something special about this person that you are instantly attracted to, and you sense quickly that they feel the same way.”

O’Neil feels that love, at first sight, is more about a physical attraction. Love comes when you get to know each other and find out about interests and beliefs. She also says,” It’s important to remember that love is just one of the many components of a lasting marriage. So is healthy communication, intimacy, honesty, trust, and respecting your partner and his or her goals, dreams, and desires in life,” she adds. “That cannot be sustained by an intense spark—those take time, commitment, and work.”

Psychology Today says, “In sum, science favors the romantics. Love, at first sight, is experienced by people, but it’s not so much “love” or “passion,” Instead, it’s a strong pull or attraction that makes someone particularly open to the possibilities of a relationship (Zsoks et al., 2017). Love, at first sight, can happen multiple times, and maybe the instances where it fizzles or simply never translates into a relationship are forgotten. But when love, at first sight, does launch a sustained relationship, the story is a great one.”

Studies show that people can feel a strong chemical attraction and a feeling of instant connection, but most people agree that love must be something more that will take time to develop. What do you think? Has anyone taken your breath away the first time you met that person? Did the relationship last?

     You started out running to lose a few pounds, lower your cholesterol, or reduce your stress. You did it occasionally when you had some extra time, but then little by little it gained more importance in your life and became a part of your daily routine until now you need it as much as you need your morning coffee. Here are some hints to let you know when running has become a passion rather than a hobby.

1. You haven’t run in two days, and you are becoming very irritable. Small children and animals scatter from your path.

2. Shopping has become about the latest running shoe or a new chafing gel.

3. You arrange your daily schedule around your run.

4. You have an entire drawer filled with just race t-shirts.

5. You have become like the pony express neither wind, nor snow, nor hail will keep you from your run.

6. Your reading selections now center around training and nutrition.

7. You spend time in your car checking mileage for running routes.

8. Your neighbors start questioning your sanity because you are out in sub-normal temperatures doing an activity that they cannot imagine being fun.

9. You have become very creative with oatmeal and pasta.

10. Friends mention that they waved or honked at you while you were running, but you never acknowledged them, and you continued with a glazed, determined look.

If you recognize these symptoms, you have succumbed to the drug of running. There is no cure except to give in to the passion and reap its many benefits.

Being strong mentally can have a huge impact on all aspects of your life, so how do you strengthen your mental muscle? The people around us can have a variety of effects on us mentally, but we can choose how we react to them and come out mentally stronger. Our environment and lifestyle can also affect our mental strength, but we can also choose how to react.

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist who says in her article, 5 factors that may make some people mentally stronger than others, “But it’s not really the experiences themselves that determine the size of your mental muscles. It’s your response to those experiences that matters. Mentally strong people learn lessons that help them grow stronger and become better. They work on gaining new perspectives, expanding their mindsets, and shifting their outlook when necessary. Your environment is a major factor in your mental strength. If you’re surrounded by toxic people, unhealthy temptations, and complete chaos, you’ll waste a lot of brainpower throughout the day.

That’s why mentally strong people create healthy environments for themselves. Rather than waste willpower and mental real estate on fighting constant temptations, they preserve their energy for the most important tasks. They set themselves up for success so they can feel and do their best all the time. Mentally strong people perform specific exercises (like gratitude or facing a fear) that help them grow stronger and become better. And they know that no matter how strong they are, there’s always room for improvement.”

I’m going to discuss how people can affect us, and how we can come out stronger, and then I will give you a list of other techniques to use to flex your mental muscle.

The people around us all can make us stronger, and they can do it in different ways. They can strengthen us through their support or their lack of it, they can motivate us in many ways, and they can teach us by guiding us or causing some suffering. We can become stronger through someone who inspires us, or by watching those who struggle. Here are some examples of how others can make us stronger.

Those who give support

We all need our communities whether it is family, friends, or colleagues. They are the people who pick us back up on those bad days and make us feel like we are special. It helps to have at least one person who is your voice of reason when you let your emotions boil over. This person can help you see the truth in the situation.

When we are not supported

Sometimes even family will not support a passion or dream. A mentally strong person will carry on despite the lack of interest from loved ones about that dream or passion. Eventually, they will probably realize how important it is to you.

Motivators

These are the people who push you to be better. It could be the friend who competes with you daily to see who has the most steps on the fitness tracker or someone who encourages you to step out of your comfort zone to try something new.

Those who caused us pain

I always say the best form of revenge is to be the better person. Don’t sink to the level of the person who hurt you. Be more professional, more mature, and just generally more. Bad relationships help us to appreciate the good ones even more.

The ones who inspire us

I see people who refuse to give in to the challenges they have been given. Instead of listening to what they cannot do, they find a way to do what they can.

Although our mental strength can be influenced by those around us, what can we do to strengthen our mental muscles?

Here are a few more things that will help you become stronger mentally.

• Keep challenging yourself to do new things and learn new things.
• Step out of your comfort zone and do something that you are afraid of doing.
• Push through failure and try again.
• Set goals.
• Practice gratitude
• Practice self-care because your mind will be stronger when it is recharged.
• Find time to be alone and restore your calm.
• Have your own definition of success instead of following someone else’s.

Go ahead and get started flexing your mental muscles!

Do you ever realize the way you have been doing something isn’t working anymore, and you need to rethink your approach? I had that realization about both the way I eat and how I exercise. I have been doing the same thing without seeing the results I want, but luckily two things happened that are helping me reset both my diet and my exercise routine.

I saw a book called, Total Body Reset, and although I don’t usually read books that look like they are going to suggest following a diet, this one intrigued me because it said your nutrition needs changed when you age. It proposed eating more protein. I decided to give it a try, and I also began drinking more water. Around the same time, I noticed a Facebook post in an ultrarunning group from a woman who regularly runs 100-mile races. She said she had been logging a lot of miles, but she kept getting injured, so she knew she had to change something in her training. She started to run fewer miles and lift heavier weights. She then did another 100-mile race and got her best finish time ever, and she has not had any injuries.

On the website, www.muscleandstrength.com, the article, 15 Ways to Switch Up Your Muscle Building Routine, tells why it’s important to change things up now and then.

“As experienced lifters know, you’re not going to get continuous growth using the same program, week in week out. The human body adapts to stress too fast. Once your body adapts to the stress level of your current routine it will see no need to keep growing.

Regular changes in your workout are essential for long-term growth. Professional bodybuilders cycle their workout continuously, change their exercises and add advanced training techniques. Using their experience, they know exactly what type of training and diet they need to build muscle or burn fat.”

Making some changes to your routine can be fun and easy. Here are a few ideas.

Changes to your diet

Experiment with some new healthy recipes

Find a healthy substitute for dessert.

Drink lots of water.

Changes to your fitness routine

Switch up your exercise and try something new

Change the number of days you train

Take some exercise classes

Take some rest days.

Changing your routines can reenergize you, and help you improve your general health.