Jennifer’s writing

Life is like a garden

Lately, when I am out in the garden, I have noticed how many things that I see there relate to what happens to us in life. Let me tell you what I mean by giving you a list of my observations.

I see ivy that attaches itself to new growth and kills it to support itself. That makes me think of the things or people in our life that hold us back from being the best we can be. We would be better off if we snipped off those vines and became stronger by supporting ourselves.

There is hidden beauty everywhere in the garden, but you have to take the time to look. Sometimes the most beautiful things are hiding under leaves, and we should be observant enough to see them. There is nothing better than finding the perfect strawberry under a leaf, just as it is wonderful to discover the beauty inside of a new friend. I’m always amazed when I swore a minute ago, I didn’t see any cucumbers in the bush, but when I look again there is the perfect one.

Gardening takes patience. Once you plant the seeds, it takes some time for the plants to grow. The same is true for relationships. We have to be patient as we build trust and a connection.

You must pull the weeds just as we need to keep improving, tweaking things in our life so we can continue to grow.

You have to endure the caterpillars to see the butterflies. It’s often the more challenging things that don’t come easily to us that make us appreciate life more.

Take risks. I tried a lot of new things in the garden this summer, and I wasn’t sure if any of them would work, but if they hadn’t, I would have tried something new. We often miss out on doing fun activities because we are afraid, we might fail.

Be open to learning new things. I have limited gardening knowledge, but I ask questions, observe, and I’m not afraid to try something new. I have learned so much from the garden.

Speaking kindly can encourage both people and plants. I can only tell you evidence that I have seen, but I had grown a tomato plant inside from a seed. In June, I brought it out to the garden to replant it, and at first, it was not doing well. I was certain I had killed it, but every day I gave it a pep talk telling it that it could make it, and it looked great. I refused to give up on it, and little by little, it grew stronger. Now, it is huge. I talk to all my plants like that. I joke with my family that if the neighbors behind us ever hear me, they will think I’m crazy. When we speak kindly to each other it makes a difference too.

Some things take longer to grow. Maybe you haven’t realized your dream yet, but that doesn’t mean you won’t.

Sometimes you need extra support to succeed. I am growing watermelons for the first time, and the plants are growing up the walls of the garden so that they have extra support and room. I ask for help all the time, and I never think asking for support is a sign of weakness. It’s finding what you need to be the best you can be.    

There are certain questions that are either too personal or can be perceived as hateful although, it is usually a case of overactive curiosity. I am going to list some of the questions that I have been asked or that I have heard someone asking, and I am doing it for two reasons. I hope the people who regularly ask questions like this might think twice before asking them again because these questions are not only an invasion of privacy, but they can also hurt someone’s feelings. The other reason is for the people who have been asked these questions. I hope you will realize you are not the only one who has been asked any of these, and that it is ok the next time someone asks you to calmly tell them that you consider that a private matter. It also helps to keep a sense of humor about it. I will tell you two stories at the end to illustrate my point.

Why don’t you have children, or when are you going to have children?

I know this one doesn’t need much explanation about why you never should ask this but imagine if the couple cannot have children. Be sensitive to the situation.

Are you pregnant?

I know most people would put this at the top of the list of questions not to ask, but it still happens. I was in a store last week and an older woman asked a younger woman if she was pregnant. The young lady said, “No, this is just from Covid. The older woman said, “Well you look very healthy.” She then scampered away.

Are you tired today?

This translates to “You really look awful. Are you o.k.?”

How old are you?

There are plenty of times when this is an appropriate question, but when you are asking it in disbelief, as if you cannot believe someone a certain age would do that, then it becomes hateful.

Was your child an accident or were you an accident?

I had my youngest when I was forty-three and she was not an accident, but she had a classmate ask her if she was, and I have had several adults ask me. One even followed that question with did I have her with the same husband.

You’re retired? What do you do all day?

I’m busier now than when I worked full time. There are so many more interests and activities to do besides work, so don’t assume all retirees are sitting around eating bon-bons.

You’re not still working, are you?

If this doesn’t make you feel as old as dirt, nothing will.

Are you anorexic?

My oldest was very tall and skinny growing up. Besides being called chicken legs, she was also asked frequently if she had an eating disorder.

Wow, how many kids do you have?

I have heard this many times, and I always wonder why someone else thinks her ideal family size has to fit someone else.

Where do you have your work done (plastic surgery)?

I cannot even imagine asking this question.

What are you wearing?

This one must be asked with the sense that you made a bad fashion choice. A student asked me this once, and then turned to the class and said, “I haven’t worn a dress like that since I was nine.” I was mortified.

There are more, but I’ll stop the list there, and leave you with two stories. These stories are not really about questions, but they both are about saying something unkind, and not even realizing that what is being said is inappropriate. I hope we all work a little more on having a filter that tells us not to say certain things.

Story #1

We were at breakfast and had just been given our coffees. I am allergic to hazelnut and that was the only type of creamer in the bowl. My husband asked the waitress, “Do you think we could have some plain creamer?” She replied, “Oh sure, my parents are old too. They don’t like the fancy creamers either”

Story #2

My friend Sally and I were looking at the placement monitor at a race. A young woman next to me didn’t understand how to read it, so I explained it to her, and then turned to Sally and said I loved the song that was playing. The young woman said, “You love this song?” I said, “Yes, don’t you?” She said, “I love this song.” I asked, “Then why did you ask me if I liked it like I was weird?” She paused and then said, “I find that as I get older, I like younger songs too.” At that point Sally said, “Oh, look at the monitor, both of the old ladies beat you!”

Ask kind questions.

As I went around and around the mile loop at my last ultra-marathon. I thought of all the reasons I love this type of race. I know when you tell someone that an ultra is anything more than 26.2 miles the person will look at you as if you have lost your mind, and I thought the same thing before I tried one. Here are a few reasons why they are my favorite races.

The type of people

I’m not sure if it’s because of the endorphins, or because doing something slightly crazy makes you happy, but most runners are extremely nice people. The veteran runners help the new runners, and I always come away having learned something new. The ultra-runners are friendly, and you tend to see a lot of the same people, so many friendships are made.

All our welcome

If you think you are not fit enough to go to an ultra race you are wrong because all sizes, shapes, ages, and fitness levels will be there, and no one will judge you. Showing up is what counts.

Inspiration

I enjoy speaking with other runners because I quickly realize that any small complaint I have is minuscule compared to what some people have suffered physically. No matter what they have as challenges, they still show up to races.

Motivation

You will see many people who have made fitness a top priority. I always leave these races thinking I have to train a little harder.

Beautiful scenery

Most of the races are in the woods or a park, so you have beautiful scenery to watch during the whole race. Make sure to watch the trail though so you don’t twist your ankle on the side of the trail like I did because I was fascinated by the obstacle course to the side of the trail.

Testing the limits

Ultras give you a chance to see how much your body can handle, and you can learn how to push those limits.

Choose your level

There are many different types of ultras. I run loop ultras which means you run in a circle, and you have a chance to stop and rest or stop completely whenever you are ready. There are also ultras where you run out and back, and then point-to-point ultras. You can also choose your distance and the difficulty level.

It’s a family affair

I love the fact that entire families come out to cheer on the runner. There are tents, food is assembled, and it becomes a big fitness party.

If you want to investigate this type of race, go to www.ultrasignup.com See you out there!

                                                       

Have you ever seen something you would love to see changed, but you felt powerless as only one person? Change has to begin somewhere, and one person standing up to make a difference can turn into a group that can turn into a strong community capable of getting something done.

Imagine some of the things you would like to see changed and brainstorm some ways of how you think that change can happen. Here are a few on my list.

Respect

There are not many things that make me as angry as when I see a lack of respect. Respect is one of those basic ingredients of being raised correctly. Here is a short list of what respect is for me.

• Show up

I understand that crazy things sometimes happen in life, but if you told someone you were coming to something, don’t back out at the last minute. Show up.

• Be on time

When you are late, it is a sign of disrespect. It is as if you are saying your time is more important than anyone else. It also looks as if you don’t have your stuff together enough to show up when you are supposed to be somewhere. That doesn’t make you look professional.

• Be presentable

Appearances do matter, so do your best to look put together. I always thought that doing my best to look put together was a sign that the people who I would be in front of mattered to me. My oldest sister never left the house without full makeup, a great outfit and jewelry. One day, I showed up at her house to go shopping, and because I had a three-year-old and a five-year-old, I was just happy I was dressed! She looked at me, and with scorn dripping from her lips, she said, “Apparently, you couldn’t find your earrings today.”  

• Open doors

Opening doors to me is another way of offering kindness. It’s a simple way of saying, “Let me help you.”

• Respond when spoken to

When I was teaching, if I said good morning to a student and the student walked past me and ignored me, I would follow him and say, “Excuse me, you must not have heard me when I said Good Morning, because I know you would never be that rude to not respond.”

• Realize the elderly deserve our kindness

I do not like it when someone is condescending to an older person. They have experience, wisdom, and a great deal to share with us.

• Speak with respect

I cannot claim that I have never sworn, but I will tell you on the rare occasion that I do, the people who know me, start to laugh, probably because they don’t expect it from me. We can have conversations with each other without every other word being inappropriate. I am worried when I see people who are surprised when I say please and thank you. It shouldn’t be a rare occurrence.

• Listen fully when having a conversation

When someone is speaking with you, focus on that person and what she has to say. When you continually interrupt her for other things, it shows you are not interested in what she has to say.

• Put the phone away at meals

I always think having at least one meal together as a family is important. Everyone takes a break from all the responsibilities and distractions and shares with each other. I am always sad to see a family at a restaurant when everyone is focused on the phone.

• Treat people correctly

I am always amazed at how hateful people can be, and the things they think it is alright to say. Be kind.

Tolerance

I’m not an expert on why people hate people who are different, but I think two factors are fear and ignorance. I would love to see us work harder on improving how we treat diversity. The more we can have people from different genders, races, and cultural backgrounds interact with each other, I think it would be a small start to healing the divide in our country.  

Mental health

I’m glad that mental health has been being discussed more. We have to stop putting a stigma on it though, by saying if you are depressed or need help, there is something wrong with you. I hope we can offer more affordable counseling to those that need it, and that the issue becomes a more important one.

There are so many more. What topics would be on your list? What can you do to effect a change?

During my forty-year career as an educator, I took thousands of pictures of students participating in class, going on school trips, and helping with club events, but there is one photo, just an old black, and white that stands out for me because it was a special moment with several points that are important to me.

Living in Georgia, we don’t see snow very often. When it falls during a school day, you have to throw the lesson plan out the window because the students can’t focus on anything except the snow. On the day in the photo, we had gotten a light dusting, but it was wet snow which a New Englander knows is perfect for snowballs. My French 1 class headed out to play in that little bit of snow. Here are the reasons why this picture is so special to me.

The first reason I love it is that it speaks to me of relationships. At my school, the classes were small you really had a chance to get to know students and build a bond. I was lucky because as the only French teacher, I could have the same students for four years, and after four years you feel like family. I look at the faces in this picture and think of all the laughter we shared.

The second reason I like it is that although I believe working hard, teaching the curriculum, and helping students master the material is important, I also know there have to be sometimes when they can be kids and just goof around.

The third reason I love it is the boy on the end, to the right was amazing, and always super serious. I only have two pictures of Alex smiling, and this day is one of them. If you notice the snow on the picnic table, I said to Alex, “Throw a snowball at Mr. Bradley!” (The headmaster) Alex replied, “This snow won’t make a snowball.” He said it with scorn and disbelief, so I turned, made a snowball, and threw it at the headmaster. Alex’s eyes got wide, and his whole face lit up as the snowball fight began.

There are so many faces in that photo tied to many memories that I am so thankful I had. Sometimes the best memories are when you take a break from the routine and enjoy the moment.

What are those tools that you use the most, or that you feel are the most necessary in your life? I found it was very easy to make a top ten list. Here are the tools that I keep near me.

Scissors

Whether I’m going out to cut some flowers or vegetables or open a package, I use my scissors. You can use them to trim green beans, and even as a pizza cutter. They work overtime during the holidays with all the paper cutting and wrapping and think of all the arts and crafts when you need scissors.

Stain removal pen

I don’t know about you, but the minute I put on a white shirt, it’s inevitable that something is going to splash or drip on it, and although I have gone through an entire day with a huge stain in the middle of my chest, it would be nice to avoid it.

Hammer

There are so many uses for a hammer. You can use it to hammer in a nail, hang a picture, or bust the window in your car if you become trapped inside.

Screwdriver set

There have been many times when I have purchased a device and when I try to put batteries in, I find that I need a screwdriver to open the back. They are needed for various tasks in the home.

Tire gauge

It is useful to check your tires if you are heading out on a long trip.

Peppermint oil

My students called this my magic oil because so many would have headaches from the fluorescent lights, so I would dab a tiny bit on their temples, and within five minutes they would tell me the headache was gone. It also worked when a student was congested. I would rub some in my palms and let them breathe it in and clear their noses.

Jumper cables

I have a fear of breaking down, or finding out my car won’t start, so I always have jumper cables.

Flashlights/lanterns/candles

I have several lanterns for when I do night runs, and I love candles, so when we hear that the power might go out, my family always says, “We’re ready!”

A lawnmower

We just had five days of rain and then oppressive heat, so mowing was not an option, but I swear the grass grew ten feet in a matter of days, so if I don’t want to live in a forest, I need a lawnmower.

Duct tape

Here are several uses for duct tape that are mentioned in Good Housekeeping’s article, 8 Super-Smart Ways to Use Duct Tape.

Remove old stickers

Get rid of warts

Lift away pet hair

Seal cracked plastic

What are the tools that you cannot do without?

There are many things I wish I could do, and I will keep learning to do some, and work on conquering my fears about doing others. There are a few things that I am very thankful I can do. Here are my top ten.

Swim

When my first child was born, my mother told me to make sure I taught my children to swim. I remember my mom teaching me. We went to the local lake as often as possible so that I could not only learn to swim, but so I could become a strong swimmer. I didn’t know it at the time, but my mom was making sure I would be safe when I was around water. When we moved back to my home town I took my two oldest to the lake where I learned to swim, and signed them up for swim lessons.

Change a tire

In high school, the senior girls competed against the senior boys in a car competition. We had to push a car around campus, and at a certain point, we had to stop and change a tire. Our faculty member was my math teacher, and I am so grateful for the extra time he took to teach us how to change a tire. I have only had to do it once, but it was nice to know what to do. By the way, the girls won the competition.

Check the oil

My dad owned the local garage and he thought that everyone should have general knowledge of a car, so he made sure I knew how to check the oil, what grade oil I needed, and that it might vary from season to season. He also made sure I knew how to check the power steering.

Check the tire pressure

The main reason I learned this is because my car had a leaky tire and I could not afford to buy a new tire, so before every trip, I would go out and check the pressure and fill the tire to the correct level.

CPR

Because I was a teacher and a coach, I was required to know CPR. I hope I don’t ever have to use it, but I am so glad that I have been trained in it.

Speak multiple languages

I can speak French and Spanish and knowing other languages has opened the world for me. When you travel it makes it easier if you know the languages, and it makes it possible to meet some amazing people and explore beautiful places.  

Plant a garden

I am fascinated by plants and how they grow and having a garden has been a joy. I’m always experimenting with new things and learning as I go. I am also grateful to save some money at the grocery store by growing some of our own food.

Knit/crochet

I am always cold so there are handmade blankets all through our house. Not only does my ability to knit and crochet help to keep me warm, it is a very relaxing activity for me.

Jump start a car

Imagine coming out of work on a cold, rainy day and your car won’t start. If you know how to use jumper cables and a colleague is nearby, you will be fine.

How to negotiate

You can save a lot of money if you are willing to negotiate what you pay for. One example is a newspaper subscription. Call up customer service and turn on the charm, by asking how the person is doing and if she is having a good day. Then ask if there are any specials running. There is usually a discounted rate. Don’t be afraid to ask for a better price.

My mom and dad were wonderful parents, but they were not very good at sharing family medical history. I knew that my oldest sister had epilepsy, and although I was told she had several grand mal seizures in her life, I never saw her have a seizure or show any other sign of epilepsy. I had no idea that I had childhood epilepsy until my youngest had her first seizure.

Epilepsy is a diverse group of neurological disorders that are characterized by recurring seizures. 1 in 26 Americans has epilepsy, and 65 million worldwide live with epilepsy.

I can remember the day so clearly when Kait had her first seizure. I was teaching a class when the registrar came running into my room looking panicked. She said, “Your babysitter just called and said Katie had a seizure. She wants to know if she should call the ambulance.” I called the babysitter who said Katie was now sleeping in her arms. We arrived at the sitter’s house and rushed Katie to the hospital. We called ahead, so they were waiting when we arrived. The doctor wanted to know if John or I had epilepsy and since I didn’t think I did, I said no. My sister later told me that my mom used to hold me when I would have my seizures, and the doctor told her I would probably grow out of it. The doctor said the same thing about Katie. She would be on anti-seizure medication until she was two, and then they would reevaluate. When they reevaluated her, she was taken off the medicine.

What bothers me about saying a child grows out of epilepsy is that the statement is not completely true. Even many years later, if I am very tired, I have staring fits when I stare straight ahead without really seeing anything. It is like being in a trance. All it takes is for someone to call my name to bring me back, but it is still not always easy to explain. I see Kait doing the same when she is tired. Studies have shown that children with epilepsy often have a learning disability, and many suffer from depression. Katie experienced both. It is also common for epilepsy to get worse after the age of 60.

My nephew has had several scary experiences because of having a seizure in dangerous situations. I am very grateful that someone was there to help him. He now has a seizure dog to alert him if a seizure is coming.

If someone has a seizure, here are the basics for taking care of her.

• Stay with the person until the seizure is over
• Do not try to hold the person down or stop the movements
• Stay calm
• Do not put anything in the person’s mouth
• Ease the person to the ground
• Turn the person on her side
• Put something soft under the head if possible
• Time the seizure and call 911 if it lasts more than five minutes

The triggers for the seizures could be lack of sleep, illness, stress, bright lights, caffeine, low blood sugar, or a head injury.

If epilepsy runs in your family like it does in mine, I hope you go for regular doctor visits and share the family medical history with all the family members. Consider having a medical alert bracelet, alert the people around you about your condition, and possibly consider a service dog.

A doctor asked me if I have an anxious mind. When I hesitated, he told me what he meant. He asked if I woke up in the middle of the night and then couldn’t fall back to sleep, did I become extremely nervous about some things, or did I have panic attacks.

An anxious mind is focused on what could go wrong and is always thinking about what ifs. It can distort how we think as we become threat-focused, finding problems instead of solutions. An anxious mind overestimates danger and underestimates our ability to handle it.

Anxiety can be tough on our bodies as well as our minds. When we become anxious, adrenaline and cortisol rise. Our body goes into flight or fight to protect us from danger.

An anxious mind can struggle with social situations, searching for relief by trying to obtain reassurances from others that everything will be all right. We can interpret ambiguous events as negative. An anxious mind may misinterpret a comment to mean that others do not like that person.

If you are wired to worry, there are a few things you can try to alleviate the anxiety. Here are a few ideas.

Admit you are anxious

Once the problem is identified, you can look at it logically and eliminate the future possibilities and replace them with the present reality.

Calm your body

If you can calm your body, you can calm your mind. Find a quiet place and practice rhythmic breathing. Exercise also helps. I know when I am worried, a long run soothes me. You can also practice something called soothing imagery. This is when you visualize a soothing picture in your mind and focus on the sense of peace you feel.

Journal

Writing down your thoughts and worries will help you sort them out.

Be present

Instead of worrying about what is going to happen in the future, focus on what is going on now.

I know these are small steps, but I hope it is a start for you to control anxiety so that it does not control you.

There are several distinct moments in every running race. There is that moment in the beginning when many people crowd to the front in the hopes of cutting every possible second off their time. Young runners will inevitably sprint from the starting line before they realize what it means to pace themselves. The beginning of the race is the moment that is the most dangerous because so many people are so close together. I have seen people trip over another runner’s shoe or twist an ankle. What I watch for the most are the children who stop on a dime because they have no concept that there is a crowd of people running behind. This is also the moment when the faster runners enact their plans. I used to choose someone who I used to pace me. The perfect person was slightly faster than I was so she would inspire me to go faster.

The second moment is my favorite. It’s when the different groups of runners have found their paces, and the crowd has spread out. There are still people around you, but they are struggling too much to talk beyond gasping out some encouragement, and a peaceful quiet settle in around you. You can hear a rhythmic tap of shoes hitting the pavement, and everyone has settled into a pace. Of course, there are always those people who manage to gossip the entire race while you are just trying to keep going.

The final moment is when you know the finish line is right around the next corner, and there is a woman in your age group right in front of you. It is time for your glorious finish as you pass the woman at the last moment and claim your spot on the podium.

There are other moments in a race that are also important like the conversations you hear when runners talk about how running is healing them. There are other moments when you see someone who is conquering physical challenges, and running in spite of those challenges.