Jennifer’s writing

I heard an awful story on the news yesterday about a mom who was on the third floor of the mall with her son when a man approached her, grabbed her son, and threw him over the railing. The boy survived and recovered after a long series of surgeries and rehabilitation. That would be enough to grab your attention, but what struck me the most was the attitude of the mother. Many parents would be bitter, and angry, and some would consider violence toward the man who had thrown a child three flights. The mother said she forgave the man, and the reason she forgave him was that she refused to let him steal her joy. She wasn’t going to let him take up any more space in her life.

That thought is inspirational to me because we all let some things or people take up space in our lives when we should fill it with what brings us joy. What are the things or people that cause you emotional turmoil? You will know the answer to that by doing a gut check. When a person’s name comes up do you smile or cringe? When you think about a task do you become excited, or do you sigh with apprehension? When I did karate, our sensei wanted us to go to competitions. When I asked one of my friends why she was not going to go she said, “Whenever I think about whether I should go, my stress level goes through the roof, so that tells me I should not do it.”  

Maybe it is time to think about what is taking up our space. Is it filled with what brings us joy, or do we have to eliminate a few things to make space for something better? It might be time to do some deep cleaning.

Ask yourself the following questions. Is the person causing you unhappiness worthy to be your friend? Does she have the same values and interests as you do? Do you enjoy being with her? Do you admire her? Why? If someone is causing you emotional turmoil, she is not a friend. I always give someone too many chances to treat me better, but I’m actually giving her more chances to hurt me by continuing to interact with her. I don’t have to be hateful to another person, but if she does not make me happy in some way, I am not obligated to include that person in my life, and I especially should not make efforts to include her if she has disrespected me. I can forgive her and pray for her, but I don’t have time for hurtful actions.

It can be tricky sometimes to tell the difference between a friend and a manipulator. A friend supports you and is happy for your success, a manipulator uses you when she has a need. She is judging you one minute, hugging you, and telling you she loves you the next. Please don’t fall for it.

We all have value, and we deserve to be treated well and celebrated. Don’t chase after the people who don’t do that.

We all have moments when we want someone to listen to our complaints. We say we need to vent and let it out, but do negativity and complaining really make us feel better? I know in my own experience it actually makes me feel worse. The article, How Do Thoughts and Emotions Affect Health from The Earl E Bakken Center for Spirituality and Healing says, “Poorly managed negative emotions are not good for your health. Negative attitudes and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness can create chronic stress which upsets the body’s hormone balance, depletes the brain chemicals required for happiness, and damages the immune system. Chronic stress can actually decrease our lifespan. (Science has now identified that stress shortens our telomeres, the “end caps” of our DNA strands, which causes us to age more quickly.) Poorly managed or repressed anger (hostility) is also related to a slew of health conditions, such as hypertension (high blood pressure), cardiovascular disease, digestive disorders, and infection.”

So why do we complain? It’s possible that we do it because of our own feelings of inadequacy. We don’t feel as if we responded well to a situation, or were not treated in the way we think we deserved. We cast blame somewhere else to make ourselves feel better.

Another problem with negativity is it can become an addiction and cloud the way we see things. Instead of seeing the light of the positive, we start to see everything through a negative haze. Negativity is highly contagious, so one small complaint tends to grow until the complaining becomes a venomous litany of how much of a burden life can be.

How do you help someone back to a more positive and healthier attitude? Another quote from the Earl E. Bakken Center gives us hope. “Emotional resilience is like a rubber band — no matter how far a resilient person is stretched or pulled by negative emotions, he or she has the ability to bounce back to his or her original state.” Here are a few things to do to turn your negatives into positives.

Pause before you express a negative thought. Is expressing that thought going to help you? If not, find another thing to say. Do not blame others.

Express your emotions by journaling or with a good friend. Ask for feedback.

Practice positive self-talk.

Work on being more grateful for what you have.

Take the time to sit somewhere quiet and do deep breathing exercises.

Seek professional help if your negativity is out of control.

I hope these ideas help you to turn negative thoughts around to live a more positive life.

I am often asked where I find my ideas for my writing, and I always reply that they come from a variety of sources. Let me tell you a few in the hopes that it will help you with your writing.

What people say

Writers have to be good listeners because what people are saying could be your next best article. One of my most popular running articles was because of a conversation I had with my husband after my first marathon. I was saying that it had been difficult for me to run a long-distance race after being used to running 3-mile and 6-mile races. The pace was different, and the nutrition and hydration were a learning experience. He nodded his head and said, “The marathon is an entirely different beast.” That was the title of my article to help runners who were doing their first marathon. Listen to conversations, television and movies, and commercials. Ideas are everywhere.

Use books

Most writers have specialty areas that they write about. If you are running low on ideas, pick up a book about your favorite subject and look through the table of contents. Is there any topic that sounds like you could expand on it? Also, write notes while you are reading. I often have ideas pop up while I am reading.

While exercising

Some of my best ideas come while I am running. It’s probably because I can clear my head, and no one is talking to me. I have a whiteboard in my office, so when I think of an idea, I run inside and write it down. Take a walk and see if it helps your mind to start working through some ideas.

Observing people

I always say that as long as there are people around me I could never be bored. I like to watch people interact, and as I am watching them, I imagine what their lives are like.

Friends and family

My loved ones like to give me ideas, and most of the time they are good ones.

I hope these ideas help you on your way to some great writing.

Any time I start to have a pity party about something negative that I am being foolish enough to focus on, I suddenly see someone with a much bigger challenge than I have. I watch this person carry on despite the challenge, and I always end up feeling inspired and grateful that I do not have something greater to deal with. I often have these experiences at the gym. Let me give you a few examples.

I am rehabbing a torn meniscus and I am still not 100% after four months. For someone who loves to run as much as I do that can seem like an eternity, so today while I was on the elliptical machine I started to feel sorry for myself, and of course, within two minutes I was watching my latest inspiration walk through the door. He was a young man and I watched him walk across the parking lot with slow steps and one foot turned in. He stopped at the curb and hesitated. It looked as if he was willing his brain to make his feet work correctly. He came in and headed straight to the elliptical. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and was thinking about all the people who make excuses about improving their health, but this man was showing up even though he had challenges. That kind of grit and determination inspires me.

I am also inspired at the gym by the people who bust through setbacks like injuries. I was watching a man show his wife how to do some hip strengthening exercises I had never seen before, and since I am supposed to do hip exercises to help my knee I wanted to ask him some questions. He told me he was a former military and he had had 13 knee surgeries. I asked him what he did to get back to normal, and he said it was important to start working it as soon as you could to keep the blood flowing, then you worked on strengthening the surrounding muscles. He told me not to be discouraged and that I would be fine. I needed to hear that because I was feeling a little broken that day.

The third form of inspiration I find at the gym is the people who take the time to encourage others. I was watching a trainer work with a young man, and I told her I wish I could move like that. She later saw me doing part of my routine and gave me some positive comments to encourage me.

If you want some inspiration and motivation, head to your local gym and watch people crush their challenges.

I was saddened by the death of Stephen “Twitch” Boss, and although I know most people would say he had everything to live for, none of that matters when you start believing what your demons are saying to you. We see people like him and wish we could be that happy, talented, and successful, but we have no idea what is going on internally. Twitch’s wife Allison said, “Stephen lit up every room he stepped into. He valued family, friends, and community above all else, and leading with love and light was everything to him.” He seemed happy and positive, but even people like him hear the voices that tear us down. They say things like, “I’m not good enough”, and “I can’t do anything right.” They focus on mistakes from the past without being able to give themselves grace and move on. They do not see the amazing qualities that we see in them. I have a friend who is stunning in appearance, and she is just as beautiful on the inside. She is funny, intelligent, and caring, but she suffers from very low self-esteem and sees a therapist regularly to help her with her identity. Why does she not see what others do?

Most families have seen the destruction that mental health battles can cause. My oldest sister began to drink away her loneliness after her partner died. One glass with dinner turned into a bottle, and one of the causes of death on her death certificate was alcohol addiction. My mother-in-law is an incredible woman, but she has bipolar disorder and since she does not take medication, you can never be sure which version of her will show up. I sometimes let the demons whisper before I can chase them away. I become depressed and consumed with negative thoughts that are usually not supported by truth.

So if we can agree that we shouldn’t let the demons whisper in our ears, what can we do to keep them silent? Here are a few ideas I hope will help.

Talk to people when you are struggling

This is so important because releasing your problem and sharing it is the first step to finding help. A healthcare professional is your strongest resource. You can call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org. If you are not ready to speak to a professional, reach out to a friend. Sometimes, having someone validate your feelings, or straighten out your truth is all you need. There are crisis hotlines in your area, and online groups to help you.

Surround yourself with positive people

Negativity will pull you down in an instant, and although positive people won’t guarantee that you avoid sad thoughts, they often can lift you up if you are feeling down. They also are good at making people feel special.

Change the negative voices to positives.

Work at proving the voices wrong. When you hear self-attacking thoughts, look at the validity of what they are saying. Most of the time, those negative thoughts are blown out of proportion.

Be your best friend

Celebrate your success even if you don’t plaster it all over social media. Be happy about what you can do and talk to yourself kindly.

Manage stress

Stress and fatigue are friends with your demons. You don’t think clearly when you are tired and stressed. Do your best to get enough rest, exercise, meditate, and find a peer support group, or therapy.

Eat well

Eat foods that sustain blood sugar levels. Keep your energy stable with lean proteins, nuts, and fish.

Practice gratitude

Instead of having a pity party and thinking about all the negatives in your life, list all the things you are grateful for.

Help others

The fastest way to forget about your issues is to help someone else with theirs. Focus on the needs of others, and yours don’t look so bad anymore.

I hope these ideas help you, and please reach out to someone if the demons are whispering in your ear.

     Life is a roller coaster ride. One minute we are riding at the top and the next minute our life seems to be spiraling down out of control. We experience varying degrees of challenges and heartbreak, and sometimes individuals do not have any idea how to get their lives back on track after a tragedy or setback. Here are five suggestions that I propose to make the situation better.

1. Get support from friends

We often hesitate to ask friends for help bouncing back from something, because we do not want to burden them, but the truth is that most friends would jump at the chance to do something for another friend. One of the worst feelings is to see a friend going through a hard time and not having any idea how to help. Let your friends know what you need and be sure to be there for them when they need it. A support system of friends and family will make you feel as if you are strong enough to get through a rough period.

• Do something for someone else

The fastest way to forget about your own problems is to help someone else with theirs. Helping others makes you realize that everyone has some needs. It will take your mind off of your problems and make you feel good as you try to help someone else. The wonderful thing about helping someone else is that it doesn’t require money or a major commitment, it only requires you spending some time with someone, maybe making them a meal or providing another service for them.

• Make a plan for recovery

Sitting down and brainstorming some ideas to help you get back on track will help you see the possibilities for recovery. Ask friends for their advice and sift through what they say to decide what works for you. Be honest with yourself about what you need.

• Spoil yourself

There are times in your life when it is ok for it to be all about you. When you are going through a difficult time, do all the things that you enjoy and enjoy them guilt-free.

• Take some time out

Sometimes the best remedy is to cocoon. Stay home, order Chinese and eat Ben and Jerry’s ice cream from the box. Just make sure you do it for a limited time, especially the ice cream part.

Life is full of ups and downs, but it is meant to be lived with passion and emotion and that means that we have to deal with heartache as well as joy. In the end, it doesn’t really matter what life throws at us, but how we deal with it.

I would never claim to be wise because I know with every day and each new person I meet I will learn something new. There are however certain things I have learned in life through a combination of some hard lessons and a lot of observation. Here are fifty of those little pearls of wisdom.

Everyone has issues that they are dealing with. Many times, the people who seem to have it the most together are the ones with the most significant issues, so remember that instead of wishing you could be like them.

Need is everywhere. We should do what we can when we can.

Hugs are healing and should be given freely.

No one is a perfect parent. The best parents give love freely, set boundaries, and give out consequences when the boundaries are breached. Give yourself grace and do the best you can.

Imperfection is often more interesting than perfection, so don’t worry that you don’t have it all together. I put my shirt on backward…again.

Everyone has value and needs to be valued.

A simple smile can turn someone’s whole day around.

Spirituality is all around you if you are ready to accept it.

Being healthy is not rocket science and it’s not achieved in 5 minutes or from a pill.

The things we value don’t usually come easily.

Failure really does teach you more than success.

Never give up because you could be a breath away from success.

It’s o.k. to keep doing it wrong until you get it right.

Run away from toxic things and people.

Fear destroys dreams.

Love makes a difference.

Reality differs from person to person.

Politeness is something that everyone should practice.

Acts of kindness have a domino effect.

Doing something nice for someone else is the quickest way to make yourself feel better.

You can learn something from everyone.

Stress can kill you.

Worrying is wasted energy.

Positive thinking really does work.

What you do whether good or bad will come back to you.

People will treat you the way you let them treat you.

Learning new things stimulates your brain.

We should all believe in miracles.

Children know how to live best.

Blessings are all around us.

Realizing what we have is more important than complaining about what we don’t.

It’s not what happens to you it’s how you react to it.

A bad day is a choice.

Attitude can change everything.

Laughter is the best medicine.

A sense of humor makes everything better.

When a friend betrays you, forgiving them doesn’t mean you ever will be friends again, it only means you are releasing both the relationship and the negative feelings it causes.

When it comes to friends, quality not quantity counts.

Service to others is a way to give back.

Hard work does pay off.

Setting goals is a great motivator.

Slow down a little to enjoy life more.

Sleep and how much you get of it can affect everything else you do.

Never feel guilty for occasionally doing nothing.

Showing an interest in other people can teach us more about ourselves.

It’s never all about you.

Simple is always best.

Walk away from drama.

You cannot say I love you too much.

Reading makes you smarter.

I am a high-energy person who wants to do a million things, and who can never find enough time to do them all. It is difficult for me to sit still because as soon as I sit down I start to think about what else I could be doing. I have finally discovered that living this way means I am missing many important things. Let me tell you what I mean.

When you move too fast, you observe less

My husband and I went to Paris for our fortieth anniversary. I am a retired French teacher, and I have been to Paris about twenty times with family and friends. The area I know the best is the Latin Quarter, and one of my favorite spots is the Luxembourg Gardens. Whenever we are there I start my morning off with a run through the gardens. If you asked me before this trip if I knew the garden well I would tell you that I know every corner. This trip though I had a torn meniscus, so instead of a run through the garden I had to walk which was great for my husband who wanted to walk with me. The strange thing about this trip was that as we slowly meandered through the garden I noticed things I had never noticed before. I never knew the garden had a beehive, or that there were gardening classes offered. We saw many statues I had never noticed before, and we interacted with some French elementary students who were on a scavenger hunt. I would have missed out on all of that if I had been moving at a faster pace.

When you sit still animals and babies come to snuggle

Since I have retired I have more time and less stress, and I am realizing what happens when you sit down for a minute. If I sit on the floor while we are babysitting my grandson stops by in between running here and there to sit on my leg or steal a drink from my water bottle, and the dog and cat keep me company. My youngest comes in the room, sees me immobile, and sits down to share what is going on in her life.

When you stop and sit in the quiet you hear things you didn’t before

Do you ever stop and listen to the sounds around you? For most of my life, I have been moving too fast to notice. Today it is raining and the steady beat of the rain on the skylight is peaceful.

Being still gives your mind time to work fully and be creative

Finding time to sit in the quiet gives you a chance to reflect without distractions. I am the most creative when I can fully focus on my writing.

Stillness carries a sense of calm and peace

When you take the time to stop and be still, you can feel the calm envelop you. A sense of peace settles in.

Do you have a spot in your house where everyone drops things either because they are too lazy to put them where they should go, or because no one is really sure where they should go? I’m ashamed to say that in our house there are several. As I look at the dining room table, I see the paper that my daughter used to work out some math problems, my husband has left two zip-up jackets and my daughter has left one, there is a shopping bag, a knee brace, and several other random items. I would like to tell you that this is the only spot where this happens, but there are drawers filled with assorted items, and then there are the closets.

Although I imagine that we are not the only family with some clutter, I also know that it is healthy to clean it up from time to time. There are many benefits to decluttering your personal space. Let me share a few with you.

Your extra could be a treasure to someone else

Our neighbor’s mom was having a tough time and when I said I was cleaning out my closet, she asked if she could have the extra clothes for her mom. She told me later that she also kept some for herself. It makes us feel good to be able to help others. Anything that helps us and someone else with our mental health is a bonus.

A sense of order

There is a wonderful sense of calm when you can see items being put in the correct spot or eliminated from your house. When everything looks clean and orderly, we can breathe easier.

Regaining control

Having too much clutter can make you feel out of control and overwhelmed. It feels as if the clutter is taking over, and you are not sure where to begin to clean it up. Decluttering your house feels like you are cleaning up your life.

Finding forgotten items

I love when I am cleaning out a drawer and I find something very useful that I forgot about. It’s like finding buried treasure. Of course, the best is when you find forgotten money that was stashed in a pocket or a drawer.

Your clutter can be sold

You can have a yard sale or sell your clutter online. Not only will you be cleaning your space, but you will also be making a profit while doing it.

The best way to declutter without being overwhelmed is to do a little at a time. Maybe do two drawers one day, and a closet another day.