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Saving Sanity as a Parent

Parenting is unlike any other experience in life. You have to learn how to multitask, think quickly on your feet, be flexible but firm, be creative in many different ways, and do it all with much less than the recommended amount of sleep. All the chaos can take a toll on a parent’s mental health, but parents can have an easier time of it if they let a few things go. Here are a few ideas.

Don’t strive for perfection. Parenting is messy and smelly, and what worked well for you yesterday will not work today. You have to constantly reinvent how to parent while holding on to a few classic constants, but perfection is not part of parenting.

Don’t compare yourself to other parents. We have all seen the woman who gave birth last week and is already back in her pre-pregnancy jeans or the man who has all four children under control in the toy section of Walmart. We look at them with awe and say, “How do they do it?” We should all be happy for them but also know you don’t know what other issues they struggle with. You might not want to trade places. Do your best, love your children, keep them safe and cared for and you are already doing a great job.

Let go of the guilt. This is hard for me. When my children were in school, and they struggled with something I immediately blamed myself which is crazy. I think we always wonder if we are doing a good enough job, giving enough of our time, and teaching them enough.

Filter friendly advice. When my daughter gave birth she was terrified that she wasn’t doing things correctly. I was determined not to advise unless asked, but before the birth, I had warned her she would hear some crazy ideas about breastfeeding and baby care. One of her friends told her she might have a problem with breastfeeding and if she didn’t pump as well as breastfeed she might have to go to the hospital. What? My daughter was crying. I calmly said that I didn’t remember everything about caring for a baby, but I did remember that your body would produce what you used the day before, so there was no need to also pump. Don’t listen to all the advice because everyone will have some for you.

Forget about the parenting guides. Every child is unique and responds differently. The milestones are not meant to be exact times, so don’t panic. Discipline techniques will have to vary to fit each situation, and schedules should be according to what fits the best for your family.

Realize that most parents often feel out of control. The trick is to fake it most of the time and appear to be on top of the situation then close your bedroom door and scream into the pillow. Parenting makes you stronger by breaking you over and over and forcing you to figure out how to make it work.

Humor is the best weapon. There are so many memories that seemed awful at the time but are hysterical memories. Find the humor in the situation when parenting becomes overwhelming.

Ask for help. Sometimes you need a break or someone to come spend adult time with you. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need.

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A Parental Resume

Everyone will agree that parenting a child is a responsibility, but it can also be considered a job. When you become a parent, your life changes forever. To deal with all these changes, we have to adopt different skill sets. What we learn to do as parents would make an impressive resume. Here is what it might look like.

John Doe

Address; Somewhere in the U.S. Phone; 860–987–4532

Education: The school of life

Degree earned: A B.S. in parenting

Job experience: Parent of 4

Skills:

· I can negotiate with a toddler during a tantrum.

· I can still function and be productive with only several hours of sleep.

· I have the power to detect a poopy diaper at ten feet, and I am not afraid to inspect closer for confirmation.

· I am willing to travel…. anywhere.

· I can wake up at the slightest sound and be alert and ready in seconds.

· I can put together a meal with whatever is in the refrigerator.

· I can multitask because it is essential for a parent’s survival.

· I can still care for 4 children while I have the flu.

· I appreciate the arts. (4th grade theater especially)

· I can set boundaries.

· I can teach P.E.

· I know the power of distraction, and I am not afraid to use it.

· I know the importance of filtering the many pieces of parental advice I will receive.

· I can let a few things go to focus on a task.

· I keep my goals simple like surviving with my sanity.

· I believe in giving grace.

· I do not need to feel in control since my life is usually chaotic.

The next time you question your ability as a parent, think of all the skills you have developed as you care for your children. You have honed critical life skills. You rock!

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We All Need Healing

Life is a beautiful mishmash of joys and sorrows, and at some point, we all can feel a little battered and bruised. When life overwhelms us, and we feel that we are struggling a little healing can make a big difference.

Healing can come in many different forms. It can be anything that comforts us or makes us better. Some find healing in inspiration. Seeing others achieve amazing things, or reading words of encouragement can help strengthen someone’s spirit.

I just published a running book called The Healing Power of Running where I compiled stories of people who were facing challenges, and they used running to heal and overcome the challenges. One story talks about a lady who had cancer and used running to prove she was greater than the disease. Another is the story of a man who was diagnosed with M.S., but instead of accepting the diagnosis, he decided he would do what he could to improve his health. He started running with his daughter and when he returned for a follow-up visit with his doctor, the doctor said he could not find any symptoms of the disease, so whatever he was doing he should keep doing it. When we see others rising above their challenges it motivates us to do the same. Their stories can heal us.

True friends and supportive family can heal us too. Everyone should have at least one friend to laugh with and share secrets. I wrote another book called 101 Tips to Lighten Your Burden with the intention that the short bits of encouragement would be like receiving advice from your best friend. Laughter and love can always heal us.

I know there are people who don’t want to admit they need healing. They see it as a weakness that they want to hide, but admitting you need help shows courage. When you are transparent with your struggles it often opens the door for someone else to ask for help. In that way, not only are you healing yourself, but you are also healing others.

I hope if you are struggling you will reach out for a positive form of healing.

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Unexpected Messages We Need

Have you ever read or heard something that you swear is a message sent specifically for you? It happens to me all the time, and I always feel it is a gift I am receiving. It is a validation that I have done the right thing or a warning about what I should do for my good. The messages always come when I least expect them.

This morning I received one of these messages as I was scrolling through Facebook. There are often quotes and thoughts on my feed, but this morning one hit home. It said, “God took you away from the table you were at because the hostess was feeding you poison.” Let me tell you why this took my breath away.

I retired three years ago from a job that wasn’t good for my mental health. I won’t go into specifics, but it became a toxic work environment for me. Even though it was a relief to walk away it was also difficult to completely break free after being there for so long. I asked myself if I made the right decision to leave, but I was so grateful to not have some of the interactions I had experienced. I would ask God if I had made the correct decision and last night I was asking him if I had caused some of the toxicity, so when I saw this message this morning I felt it was for me. Sometimes God has to slam a door for our good.

I am a people pleaser and also very sensitive. Negative comments can sting like a knife, and it always hurts to lose yet another friend who hurt me or manipulated me. I always hang on to these people for way too long and put up with bad behavior. I was feeling down about something a friend had done and I was reading an article about friendship. The article said, “Let go of the people who are not prepared to love you. Stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence.” This is so true. We should be more focused on quality not quantity when it comes to friends. We were watching a show the other day when the host asked, “How many friends do you need?” All three of us said, “One good one.”

Another message I received came to me as I was looking for graduation presents. A necklace showed up with this message, “it’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you are not.” How true is that? How often do we not attempt something because we think we are not good enough, not capable? It’s only impossible until you do it.

We often miss messages coming to us because we are so distracted by busy lives and social media, but if we keep our eyes and ears open we can receive some powerful thoughts.

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11 Tools for Living a Great Life

There are certain things you can use in life that will make your path smoother, and your life more enjoyable, and they don’t cost a thing. Here is a short list.

Positivity

There is so much power in positivity, and you have nothing to lose by trying it. You can use positivity to your advantage in several ways. If you are discouraged or life has thrown you a challenge find a way to see a positive side to the situation. It can change everything. Manifest positive energy into your life by saying or writing what you want to happen and believing it will.

Resiliency

Life can be tough and when something bad happens you have a choice of having a pity party or taking action. Don’t be defeated. Decide what you need to do to overcome any hardship and solve a situation.

The right community

Stop making excuses for toxic people in your life. Walk away from situations involving them, and surround yourself with good people who enjoy being with you and see you for the amazing person you are. Look for quality not quantity in friendships.

A connection to nature

Nature is full of energy and being out in it can recharge you. The beauty and noises will lift your mood and help you be ready to be productive again.

Spirituality

Spirituality can be anything that is a higher power. I see nature as spiritual. It could be your relationship with your God.

Kindness

I have always believed that the energy you send out comes back to you. I want kindness to come flowing back, so I treat people the way I want to be treated. There are so many people struggling with one thing or another. Be intentional about looking for ways to help others. You might cause a domino effect.

Openness

Keep your mind open to new ideas, be open to new possibilities, and be ready for new people to enter your life. You never know when your next adventure is ready to begin.

Transparency

Maintaining a mask by acting like someone you are not is exhausting. Be yourself and know that some people will like you and others will judge you. As long as you feel good about who you are then the rest doesn’t matter. When you reveal your weaknesses it’s like dropping a weight, and it helps others struggling with the same thing.

Confidence

Believe in yourself. Confidence is the first step in turning the impossible into possible.

Movement

Take care of yourself and move. Your body was not meant to be sedentary, so find your favorite way to move and do it consistently.

A passion to learn and explore

Always be ready to learn something new. Travel if you can because it is a great way to learn about our world.

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Ten Ideas to Help Your Writing

As writers, we are always learning, and always trying to improve what we do, and there are times when a piece of advice or encouragement is what we need at that moment. I am putting together advice that has helped me, and I hope other writers will find it helpful as well.

1. Eliminate repetition. Especially if you are writing a novel or a longer piece it is easy to repeat yourself. Read through your work carefully and take out anything you have already said.

2. Set some lofty goals. Goals can be scary sometimes because what if you can’t achieve them? The answer to that is you either keep trying or you adjust your goals, either way, you at least have something to aim to achieve. What do you want to achieve? How much will you make each month? How often will you write an article? Are you going to write a book? There are so many possibilities.

3. Don’t overuse the same words. I will admit I am a hypocrite to give this advice because I catch myself doing this all the time. What are the common words that you overuse? Mine are that, sometimes, really, and just. I have to go over my work several times to make sure one hasn’t slipped in somewhere.

4. Don’t force your creativity. I have never believed in the advice to write every day. I have days where I have ten ideas for articles and other days when I don’t feel like writing and even if I did I cannot think of anything my readers would want to read.

5. Believe you are a writer. I have allowed self-doubt to cripple me before, and I stopped writing completely several times. If It is something you enjoy doing don’t listen to the haters or naysayers.

6. Don’t be too fast to publish. It never hurts to read something over one more time or check the grammar. I have hit publish too soon many times and then remembered something I wanted to add.

7. Use advice that works for you. Being told “Stick to your niche.”, “write what you know.”, and “Show, don’t tell.” These are pieces of advice you do not need to follow. I have been sending out my manuscript for a novel and an editor told me I needed to show not tell. I was ready to scrap the whole thing until I read from another source that not all writers should follow that advice.

8. Read it again. Have you ever proofed something several times until you are sure it’s perfect and then you discover a few more errors? I just released a book that I put through Grammarly, it was proofed by an editor and a publisher, and when the publisher asked me to check one last time I still found a few mistakes.

9. Think twice about whether you can live with what you wrote. Make sure you are okay with the reactions of anyone you have talked about in your writing. Writing is a form of expression, but it also is forever.

10. Jot down ideas for later. Am I the only one who thinks of amazing articles at the most inopportune time? My best ideas come when I am running down a deserted road miles from my house, or when I am sitting waiting for an appointment. Carry a small notebook, or record ideas on the note feature on your phone, or record an idea with your phone. I have a small whiteboard on a podium in my office that I use to write ideas before I forget them.

Good luck everyone. I hope this advice helps you, and I wish you joy and success with your writing.

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Querying a Magazine

When you have an article you want to see published and have decided you would like to see it in a magazine, you need to write a query. Here are a few steps to follow.

· Use some of the many resources available to writers to find the best fit for your article. Here are a few books I use. Writer’s Market 100th Edition, Writer’s and Artist’s Handbook, and The Christian Writer’s Market Guide. You can also go to your local bookstore and peruse the magazines there. When you think you have found a good one, go through a copy, and make sure it is a good fit.

· Find the magazine’s submission guidelines on the magazine’s website and follow them.

· You must write a query to convince the editor to publish your story. Start with an intro that will catch the editor’s attention.

· Keep the query to around a page and be to the point about what you have written.

· Explain why your article will fit into the mission of the magazine. How will it benefit readers?

· Include a short bio with previously published work or reasons why you are an expert on what you are writing.

· Edit it several times before you send it.

· Take the time to find the editor’s name instead of starting with “Dear Editor”.

· When you receive a response even if your article is not accepted thank the editor.

· Many magazines list themes for authors.

Don’t be frustrated by rejections. It only takes one yes to become a published writer.

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My Running Book is Published!

Hi Everyone! I wanted to let you know my running book, The Healing Power of Running has been released and is now available on these sites.

Amazon       https://a.co/d/bap950M

Barnes and Noble                         https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-healing-power-of-running-jennifer-bonn/1144705764?ean=9781615997978

Abe Books        https://www.abebooks.com/servlet/SearchResults?isbn=1615997970&clickid=3KZXfnW4HxyNRMqyo9UV3yhPUkHzH-SdM0AYVg0&cm_mmc=aff-_-ir-_-64613-_-77416&ref=imprad64613&afn_sr=impact&ref_=aff_ir_64613_77416

Walmart    https://www.walmart.com/search?q=jennifer+bonn

This book is so important to me because running has kept me healthy both physically and mentally. It has been an escape when life became too overwhelming. All I have to do is head out the door and I can feel the stress falling off behind me. It has taught me that I am resilient and that I can stand back up stronger when life knocks me down.

One of the things I love about going to races is the stories of the people around me. So many people are struggling with issues beyond comprehension, and instead of having a pity party, they are moving forward proving that they are stronger than any challenges. My book is full of these stories.

I want people to see inspiration and hope in these stories, and I also want them to know that they can improve themselves with any type of movement. They don’t have to become runners to reap the benefits of fitness.

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When Your Child Doesn’t Speak

Let me start by saying parenting is not easy, especially with the first child. As a parent, you constantly worry whether you are doing the right thing or are scarring your little one for life. (Don’t worry, you probably are not.) To make things worse everyone has an opinion about what you should be doing, and they do not hesitate to share that opinion. While you are carrying around guilt and uncertainty imagine when you realize that your child has not met one of the developmental stages. What do you do if he is not talking?

My grandson will be three in June, and the only word he says is blue which I think he picked up from watching the show Bluey every day. He understands everything we say, and we know what he wants most of the time even though he communicates with grunts and a question sound. Toddlers often feel overwhelmed and frustrated during this stage, but it is even worse when you cannot fully communicate. When my grandson cannot express himself he begins to yell.

Your first reaction might be to say there is something wrong, and if there is we will work together as a family to support him through whatever is happening, but the doctor feels that he is only taking his sweet time talking. She said all his needs are met, you know for the most part what he wants, so right now he doesn’t see a need to speak.

There is so much judgment when a child doesn’t seem perfect. My daughter and I were at a woman’s luncheon and a young woman had mentioned she had a son. I asked her how old he was, and I watched her body language change as if she was ashamed. She said, “He’s 19 months old, but he’s not speaking yet.” I let her finish and waited for my daughter to tell her she was not alone in this struggle. Jess told her what they had done, and what the doctor had said. You could tell that the young lady felt better after talking with Jess. When you are transparent in your struggles you find out you are not alone, and someone else might have valuable information that can help you.

Remember that all the milestones for children aren’t set in stone. I had a friend whose son did not walk until he was three. My friend said that he wanted to make sure that he was doing it right. Another friend told me her son did not speak until he was almost four, and now she cannot get him to be quiet. Obviously, anytime you are worried about something check with your doctor but realize there are plenty of possible reasons for what is happening.

My grandson has been going to speech therapy, and the therapist is teaching him sign language. I am excited to be learning it with him since I have always wanted to learn.

I hope if you have a family member going through something like this you will love on the child, tell the parents they are doing a great job, and support everyone involved because parenting can pull out every emotion, and parents could use a hug.

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Taming a Toddler’s Tantrums

The toddler years are called the terrible twos for a reason. My daughter expanded this part of development through her fourth year. Toddlers are trying to figure everything out and their brains have not reached the point where they can weigh rational thought, so hunger, pain, fatigue, frustration, and the emotions produced by those things produce some horrific tantrums.

Tantrums are not personal, and your child is not trying to wreck your world, but he is dealing with an inability to express himself, and a tantrum is usually because he is feeling overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to deal with it.

So what causes tantrums? Each child is different, so keep a journal that details what was happening when your child had one. Here are a few common causes.

· The child doesn’t want to do something.

· The child wants something.

· The child is overstimulated. We call it sensory overload.

· If a child is hungry or tired.

· If a child is frustrated or seeking attention.

What can you do when a tantrum begins? Here are a few ideas for things to do and to avoid doing.

· Don’t meet a tantrum with a tantrum. Your child wants to know you are in control, and when he sees you lose control, that feeling of safety slips.

· Don’t try to reason with the child. Think about when you are upset and frustrated. You don’t respond well when someone tells you to calm down.

· Don’t bribe the child to stop or give in to a demand. This sends a bad message that will make things worse later.

· Take a breath and reset before reacting.

· Validate the child’s feelings because those feelings are real to him.

· Be clear that feelings are okay, but there are limits to behavior. Be clear and consistent about behavior.

· Offer choices on how to calm down.

· Distract them.

· If you think it’s for attention, try ignoring them. (Make sure they are safe though)

· If you are in public, leave. I had a full cart of groceries when my daughter dropped to the floor and started pounding her fists and kicking her feet. Everyone was looking at me as if Family Services should be called immediately. I scooped her up, left the cart behind, and headed home. It’s easier to respond calmly when you don’t have an audience.

· Be patient and praise them when the behavior is good. My grandson had just done something we did not want him to do. I told him not to do it, and when he stopped I thanked him. My daughter looked at me and said, “You are so much calmer with him than I am.” Lol, and it only took me three children and one grandchild to be able to do that!

I want you to consider something. What if you look at tantrums as a way to connect with your child? He is feeling out of control, but he sees you being calm, allowing him to feel the emotions, understanding why he is having them, and being a loving presence ready for a hug. What a great opportunity to strengthen the bond.

Here are a few things to do to stop a tantrum before it begins.

· Make sure they are fed and rested.

· Teach them coping skills to help them calm down. Do this when they are calm, not in the middle of a tantrum. These could include listening to music, playing with a pet, looking at books, playing games, or playing outside.

· Maintain a routine.

Give yourself grace if you have had a meltdown once or twice. If it happens, apologize to the toddler. You are showing him that adults make mistakes too. Managing tantrums is not easy, but they will pass, so keep soaking up your time with the little ones.