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What My Three Children Taught Me

When my daughter was first placed in my arms, I remember thinking, “What if I’m not a good parent?” I read so many parenting books, but just like all the teaching training I had was completely different from an actual classroom, parenting was a learn as you go experience for me.

One thing I know for sure is you should talk to other parents, share struggles, and use advice that works for you. When you listen to other parents you realize you are not alone in this adventure.

My children all survived and thrived despite my many failures that were mixed in with some wonderful triumphs. My children taught me the lessons that the parenting books did not. Here are several of those lessons.

  • Giving your children everything teaches them nothing.
  • Your time is the greatest gift to give to your children.
  • Actions come with consequences.
  • Good behavior should be taught early.
  • Your children want you to be in charge. It will make them feel safer.
  • Don’t focus on your failures, learn from them.
  • Monitor your children, too much freedom can be dangerous.
  • Don’t worry about looking silly when you play with your children.
  • Create traditions and memories.
  • Say I love you often.
  • Let your children find their identity without pushing yours on them.
  • Keep your cool and respond calmly.
  • Teach them kindness.
  • Take them outside.
  • Enforce limited screen time.
  • Be their advocate.
  • Give them a healthy sense of money.
  • Watch your words.
  • Be a model for them.
  • Provide them with wonder.
  • A sense of humor can change everything.

Good luck with your parenting journey. There will be good days and bad, but you will figure it out as you go.  

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What I Think Faith Is

When I started working at a Christian school, I experienced imposter syndrome during my first year. I didn’t think I was a perfect Christian because I didn’t have many scriptures memorized, and I didn’t attend church every Sunday. During my first year, I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing or not being enough spiritually for my students. When it was time to sign contracts, I met with the headmaster and told him he might not want me as a teacher because I didn’t have the Bible memorized. I will always remember him saying that he didn’t want a teacher who could only quote scripture. He needed teachers who put that scripture into practice by teaching students to live a Christ-centered life.

During the next 13 years at the school, I developed my understanding of what faith looks like, and what it does not. I also saw how a definition of a Christian can harm or help a young person. The following is my view of what faith is and what it is not.

Having great faith is living a life where you do your best to live a life full of love and kindness. It doesn’t matter how many Bible verses you can quote if you don’t live out those teachings.

We should allow others to worship instead of keeping rules about the absolutes of worship. Our pastor used to say that Faith was more caught than taught. Forcing the teachings on someone doesn’t work as well as allowing individuals to discover faith and see the joy that can set them free instead of feeling restricted. Each person can worship where and when they want. God can be found everywhere, not only in church.  

Faith should not exclude anyone. If our God is a God of love and forgiveness, then that love and forgiveness is unconditional. Imagine thinking you are unworthy of God’s love or feeling guilty because circumstances keep you away from church.

No one has the right to judge someone else. None of us are perfect. We all struggle and stumble, and the time will come when we need to ask for grace, so why not give it freely to others?

I hope you find a faith that makes you feel wrapped up in God’s love, and it is O.K. if you find it in your own time.

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Retreat-Reflect-Reset-Recharge

Retreat-Reflect-Reset-Recharge

We all need a plan to recover from those days when absolutely nothing went right, and you would like to delete the day and start over. What do you do when life overwhelms you? It might be a time when you feel alone, maybe you have had some heavy losses, failures, or disappointments. We all have times when we are tired in mind and body, and we need time to retreat, reflect, reset, and recharge.

I often need quiet time, but when too many heavy things happen at once, I need to retreat. When I retreat, I use that time to come up with a plan by reflecting on what I need to change, then I figure out how I can make that plan work with a reset. After I stop feeling all the emotions because the initial plan failed, I come back recharged and ready to come back stronger.

An example of this for me happened recently because of my writing. I was writing an average of two articles a day for my blog and online sites, writing a monthly article for free for two local magazines, and trying to write two books at once. My energy was drained, I was frustrated from a lack of revenue, and I felt unfocused. I turned to my husband and said, “This isn’t working.” I decided to change quite a bit. I write online when I feel like it without letting the lack of revenue bother me, I started vending my books at local markets, and I am going to networking meetings. I have made valuable contacts and connections, and I am recharged.

If you feel a need to retreat, you might only need to remove yourself from all the noise and interactions, but if it’s time to change a situation then slow down and reflect on what you need for happiness. Slowing down and reflecting on what is happening around us can provide us needed perspective.

When our energy level is low it affects our productivity and creativity. Do whatever helps you recharge. It might be taking a nap, watching a movie, eating a great meal, laughing with friends, or sitting outside and doing nothing. There are no rules to recharging, but you should never apologize for doing it because it will help you come back stronger.

Allow your feelings to flow. Don’t lock them away but check the source of the feeling. Did someone say something hateful that cut deep? Don’t let those words affect you because that person is struggling with issues. Leave those issues at her feet without picking them up and making them yours.

You have your battle plan for life now, so next time you feel like the hard days are winning, Retreat, Reflect, reset, and recharge.

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Why You Need a Crew

Everyone needs the ride or die friends, even if you only have one. My family was watching the morning news when the question was how many good friends do you need? We all said at once, “One good one!”

When it comes to friends I believe in quality not quantity. We might have lots of Facebook contacts, but not all of them are true friends.

In the running world, when you ask someone to be your crew, you are asking them to support you to find success in a race, usually for a long distance one. They are responsible for finding you food and drink, keeping you focused mentally, and helping you find motivation when you want to quit.

We need a crew who can do the same things in life. When we are having a bad day, a note or a call from our crew can lift our spirits. These are the people who show up when we need it most.

My husband had a mini stroke and when we arrived at the hospital, they rushed him back to the ER because there was a chance the mini stroke was a precursor to a major stroke. I posted a note to my friends asking them for prayers. Several replied saying they were praying but then came the text from my friend Donna. The text said, “I’m outside in the lobby. I’m here to help you with anything you need.” My husband asked me to stay with him, so I couldn’t go out to see her, but I appreciated her showing up so much.

Donna has also been one of my writing cheerleaders. When I started publishing my writing I suffered from imposter syndrome. I was embarrassed to say I was a writer because I wasn’t sure I was good enough. Many people in my inner circle didn’t take my passion for writing seriously, but my friends Donna, Kim, and Hal are always there to support me. Donna and Kim support me with encouraging words, and Hal shows up wherever I am vending my books. These friends helped me arrive at a place where I realized I didn’t need anyone else to believe in me if what I’m doing is my dream and my passion.

I have found a different crew with running. Runners are good people who are encouraging and welcoming. I love being part of the running community. There are a group of strong women runners who support each other and help set goals and meet them together.

Who is your crew?

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What I Know as a Parent

Did you read all the books about parenting when you were expecting? I did, and I thought I was prepared for anything and then the chaos of real life named Jessica happened and I realized I was prepared for nothing. I have apologized to Jessica several times for having to be my first attempt at parenting, and I am thankful she survived.

Since Jessica survived her first three years, we decided to have another. Our son Tyler was born, and we were faced with a medical emergency because he had an AVM, (a bleeding vessel on the brain) He had a brain operation at a week old and is now a thriving 34 year old.

I had a third child at 43. Kaitlyn is a light who also gave us a medical scare at 18 months with an epileptic seizure. She was diagnosed with childhood epilepsy. During our time in the hospital, I discovered from my sister that I had childhood epilepsy as well. I asked the question again, “Why did know one tell me this?” Our family has been quiet about some key medical history facts.

I now have a three-year-old Grandson, and I will tell you that being a grandparent is a whole different type of parenting because I have to respect my child’s wishes, keep advice to myself except when asked for it, and do my best to remember parenting from years ago.   

My parenting until this moment has taught me many lessons I would love to share with you.

  • Filter the advice. When you first give birth there are many emotions including fear, fatigue, and a general sense of feeling overwhelmed. You will find especially in the beginning that everyone wants to give you advice. Some of it will be good, but some will not. When my oldest daughter gave birth, she was worried about breast feeding. A friend said her breast was engorged and if Jess didn’t pump out the extra she would have to go back to the hospital. Thankfully, I remembered that your breasts have perfect memories, (mammeries have memories!) and I told her that her breasts would produce what she had needed the day before.
  • All your children have a unique identity. I have always been amazed how different three children can be even when they were raised in the same house. Embrace the identity that is the heart of each child. Give each child space to be who fits that identity. Especially, do not try to make your child a carbon copy of you. I have a friend who wanted her son to be an athlete. She made him go to football and lacrosse and he would come home crying because his passion was in theater.
  • The failures and triumphs both make great memories. You will struggle to see the failures as positives when they happen, but they can teach you valuable lessons, and you have family stories to tell.
  • There will be tough days but see the blessings not the burdens. Parenting can be tough, but your children will be grown before you know it, so enjoy the moments when they need you and think you are cool.
  • Document all the memories. Take a million pictures, find a box to store all their artwork, and keep a journal documenting the special moments.
  • Comparing yourself to other parents is wasted energy. You will never be perfect and that’s okay. Laugh when you mess up and do something different. Be transparent about struggles because that will help other parents with the same struggles, and they might have some good advice.
  • Your child wants your time. Even more than the newest toy, your child wants you. Show up for games, performances, and spend time together.
  • Be your child’s advocate. My finest moment as a parent was standing up to a teacher who called my daughter a liar. My daughter was going to a special class to improve her reading, and she would come home and tell me the teacher had screamed at them. The first time I said that maybe the teacher had a bad day but screaming was never okay. There were two more days like that and then I had enough when she told me the teacher called her a liar. I called her regular teacher who told me there were some parent complaints. I called some parents who told me some disturbing things, so I called her teacher and asked her to take her out of that class. I had to write a letter to the principal and then we had a meeting with the principal, her regular teacher, the special teacher, my husband and myself. The special teacher tried to bully me into keeping her in the class. (funding) I stayed calm and then unleashed with what I thought of her teaching methods. When we went outside, I asked my husband if I had said the right things. He looked at me with awe and said, “You were wonderful!” lol, 40 years of teaching came in handy.
  • Parenting does not stop at 18. When your child becomes an adult, he will still need you. The parenting will evolve, but you will always be a parent, and around 23, they will realize you are wise.
  • Don’t give your child everything. We want our child to be happy, but there is nothing wrong with making them work for it so they see the worth in it. Giving them everything they want will produce spoiled children.
  • Teach your children that actions have consequences. This is an important life lesson. Teaching them what they do is going to produce consequences. This can be a moment of tough lough, but it will yield huge results.
  •  Be the model for your child. My children have thanked us several times when they have seen parents who made unfortunate choices. You don’t have to be perfect, but do your best to be good humans.
  • Show love even when it is difficult. Your child will not always be perfect. There will be times when you want to unleash the fury. Instead of saying things you might regret, ask questions to understand and teach some lessons.
  • Be vigilant. Check social media, monitor the phone, and know where they are. The world is too crazy with too many dangerous possibilities. Keep them safe!
  • Listen carefully. We are so busy that it is easy to not focus on what they are saying. Anxiety and depression throw up red flags and you should offer help when they show up.

Good luck on this crazy ride called parenting. Reach out to me with questions on my blog at www.jenniferswriting.org .    

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Letter to Addiction

Dear Addiction,

I thought it was time to be transparent about my feelings for you. You have been the greatest demon in my life, stealing moments and people from me. You have shown up in different forms to disguise yourself, and to hide your ability to create chaos, drama, grief, and loss. You are a chameleon that changes shape when the addict feels that one addiction has been conquered. You make it imperative for addicts to realize they need to remain vigilant against needing anything to the point where it becomes toxic.

I watched you wrap yourself around my father, mother, and siblings. I watched four of them die from addiction to nicotine, and for one there was also an addiction to alcohol. I would have loved more time with all of them, but you stole those moments from me.

The first half of my marriage involved living with an addict and trying to figure out how to manage life with him. I didn’t understand how or why you were able to control him to the point that nothing was as important as alcohol. You made him self-absorbed when without you he puts everyone before himself. You caused him to put our lives in danger when without you he protects us at all costs. You gave him dark moods and anger when without you he is happy and funny. Because of you, I am always watching to see if there is a new addiction looming.

You make the moments of betrayal hard to forget. Those are the moments when an addict chooses substances over all else. You grow in the dark corners of deceit and mistrust.

Addiction, you bring out the worse in people and leave them as they attempt to break your bonds. I hope I can break your chains so there is no more hurt and loss because of you.

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The Art of Chaotic Gardening

Gardening is an activity I love to do, but my style of gardening is messy. I know many people who are afraid to try gardening because they don’t think they will be good at it, but anyone can do chaotic gardening. Let me show you how it works.

Each day my garden brings me joy while driving my husband crazy. He wants me to have organized rows that are a certain distance apart with pretty garden stakes telling you what is growing, but I enjoy doing gardening a different way.

When I enter my garden, I talk to my plants. If one is drooping, I give it a pep talk. If a section is growing well, I express my awe at their beauty. You might think this is crazy, but I saw a tomato plant come back from the brink after I spoke to it each day. While I’m working in the garden, I also sing, which I probably should not do because it is not one of my gifts, but the plants don’t seem to mind.

The chaos begins when I begin the planting. A few seeds usually slip out of my hands, so lettuce and carrots often end up growing in odd places, but it’s like finding a Christmas present that was left in the closet. It’s unexpected, but wonderful. I also often forget to label what I have planted, so last summer when some seeds turned into large stalks with beautiful flowers, I had to send a picture to a friend who told me it was okra. I had never eaten okra before, but I will tell you it is a very hardy plant.

I also plant vegetables I don’t like, but I do this to share with my community. Unfortunately, these are the vegetables that always grow the best. I can be seen making my rounds with bags of radishes, tomatoes, and peppers.

I become impatient if something doesn’t grow in a few weeks, so I replant something else. The problem with that is two completely different vegetables start growing in the same bed. It just makes gardening more interesting.

Chaotic gardening may be messy, but it takes the pressure off you to be perfect. Have fun in your garden. If something doesn’t work the first time, try again.

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The Unique Gift of The Marietta Artisan’s Market

If you are looking for a unique gift or some creative inspiration, The Marietta Artisan Market is the place to go. The Market is located on Mill Street, opposite the Farmer’s Market. The Artisan Market hosts a variety of local artists and the products of their creativity. You can wander through talking to the vendors, seeing what they have created, and buying some unique gifts for yourself as well as presents for others. Although each week there are a few different artists, here are a few of the artists you will meet.

When you first enter the market, you will be created warmly by Jack the artist. It is quickly evident by the quantity of his paintings that this is his passion. Stop and talk with him for a minute because Jack will make you feel as if you are a member of his family, and everyone can benefit from his warmth and kindness.  

As you move down the rows of tents, you will meet silversmith, Jessica Hain who creates silver sterling jewelry. I am amazed at the beautiful creations she makes. One of her rings was used in the show, Stranger Things. Jessica has told be several times she does not think she is creative, but all you have to do is look at her work to see what a gift she has. I am honored to have two of her rings.

A popular stop is with Justin, the comic creator for Mind Invader Comics. His characters all have ties to Cobb, and I love to hear him describe the latest adventures in his coloring books.  

Whimsy Blind Books is the spot for a blind date with a book. Samantha picks books and wraps them in a beautiful book cover, gives you a basic plot and the genre, but everything else is a mystery. It’s a great way to discover new books.

There are always several vendors of homemade jewelry like the Lavender Honey Company, Love Lindsey Co. and Angelic Jewelry.

Anayansi will wow you with her cascade journals and the beautiful products she creates from pull tabs. Her mother offers amazing products she has crocheted.

Bleu’s hues is an artist’s dream spot with interactive painting.

At the bottom of the market, you will find Tariq. He is high energy. I don’t think he ever stops moving. He is either shaking his gorgeous windchimes, rearranging his unique metal products, or offering veteran artist advice to the artists around him. It is worth your time to stop to chat.

After you have found your treasures, wander over to The Farmer’s Market to buy fresh produce and local products, grab a coffee at Cool Beans, and wander around the square.

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Essential Tips for Writers

Essential Tips to Help You as a Writer

The glory of being a writer is there are so many ways to find success by following the path that is right for you. There are, however, a few pieces of advice that are important for any writer. Let me share a few with you.

Keep learning.

No matter how long you have been writing, how many books you have written, or writing classes you have taken, there are always new things to learn. Pay attention to the writers who have found success and listen to what has worked for them. Keep trying new things to find out what works for you.

Be consistent.

When you build an audience, they want to hear from you, so keep them engaged with consistent content. Being consistent also means you are working regularly on improving your craft.

Be open to ideas.

My family and friends love to suggest ideas for my writing and some of them are great. Keep your eyes and ears open for even more ideas. Many of my ideas come from conversations, or something I heard or read in the media.

Realize the importance of contacts.

When I first started vending, the veteran venders told me to look beyond how many books I was selling, and realize I was making contacts and building a network. You never know when one of those contacts is going to open a door that will lead to your success. Enjoy interacting with new people. Have conversations that may lead to new adventures.

Make your writing a priority.

Until recently, I have not prioritized my writing. I took care of everything else first and started writing whenever everything else was done. I now make sure I am spending more time with my writing.

Block out the negativity.

As creatives, we tend to be sensitive, so negativity about our work can cut deep. When someone gives you negative feedback that doesn’t provide something that can make you better, forget it and move on. It’s only noise.

Know your worth.

When I first started writing, I did many articles for free because I wanted to build a portfolio. I no longer do that. Your writing is benefiting someone, and you don’t need to do it for free. You are worth payment for your work.

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Dealing with Doubt and Five Ways to Erase it

Are you plagued by doubt? Do you constantly replay situations in your head because you think you might have said or done something wrong? Do you doubt your abilities? Are you waiting for someone to tell you all the things you are doing wrong? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are not alone, but doubt holds us back, and it is wasted energy, so here are 5 reminders of why you need to eliminate doubt from your life.

Reminder number one involves your doubt about whether you said something wrong to someone. I beat myself up mentally all the time because I worry that someone misunderstood what I said. The truth is that most people forget what you say five minutes after you say it because they are focused on their lives and the complicated responsibilities they need to handle. So many times, I have apologized for saying something, and the individual tells me he doesn’t remember me saying it.

Reminder number 2 is when you doubt your actions were perceived the way you intended. Instead of raising your anxiety level, communicate with the person involved and straighten out the situation, then carry on.

Reminder number 3 is when you felt you looked like a fool in a situation. Most of the time, people can relate to some hiccups. Everyone has had less than stellar moments. Learn to laugh at the failures. As a teacher, I had numerous moments where I wasn’t at my best, and I learned to laugh at them.

Reminder number 4 is to remember your positive attributes. When you start to doubt yourself, make a list of qualities and achievements you are proud of.

Reminder number 5 is if you allow doubt to stop you, you might not do something epic you will remember for the rest of your life.