A Calmer Approach to Parenting

I am ashamed to say that I often resorted to yelling with my two oldest children. The stress of a full-time job and two children constantly whining and harping at each other, brought out the worse in me. It took my third child, Kait, to teach me there is a calmer approach to parenting, and yelling is never an appropriate choice. I only yelled at Kait once. She dissolved in tears, and I realized it was time to be more creative with my approach to discipline and parenting. Here are a few things I have learned about a calmer approach to parenting.

Be proactive

Many issues can be avoided if the people involved are fed and rested. This means both children and parents and it is true for every age. When you are rested, your emotions are more controlled and you can handle both your and your children’s emotions easier.

Deescalate the situation

Chaos is like a storm. It hits without warning and it can whip up havoc in its wake. You can choose how you react to any situation. You can allow your emotions to go from zero to sixty in seconds, or you can be the calm element in the room. It’s difficult for emotions to continue to rage when no one is fueling them. Stay calm, evaluate the situation, and decide what should be done.

Stay calm

When you have clear rules and consequences for when those rules are broken, it makes life much easier. If you walk into a child’s room that looks like a storm hit it, calmly inform the child that the room must be cleaned up before (you insert the fun thing the child will miss). Another idea, if you can stand it, is to tell them they are responsible for their spaces, and then don’t make a fuss about whether the rooms are clean or not. I have done this with my youngest and although it is often difficult to walk away from the overflowing trash can, she has done a good job of being responsible for her space.

Surprise them

When I began to use a calmer approach to parenting, my oldest daughter told me I seemed like a different person. Using a different technique will work at least once as they try to figure out why you are acting differently.

Use the Brer Rabbit technique

Remember the story of Brer rabbit who was about to be punished and kept saying, “whatever you do to me, don’t throw me in the briar patch!” We discover though that being thrown in the briar patch is exactly what he was hoping to have happen. I use a technique similar to this with my children. My youngest told me frequently that she wasn’t sure college was what she wanted to do. I know she expected me to throw a fit and tell her she was being crazy, but instead, I listened to her and said, “O.k., but I expect you to come up with a plan B and tell me what you want to do with your life.” She went to college and loves it and feels as if she was given a choice instead of being forced to do something.

Try the ten-minute rule

This has been one of the most efficient tools of parenting for me. Children need some help with the transition from one activity to another. Tell your child that in ten minutes you will be switching activities. You might say that in ten minutes we are leaving, or in ten minutes we will eat, or we are going to bed in ten minutes. It works every time!

Ask them what punishment is fair

My children knew there were consequences for actions, and they often told me what the punishment was before I could say it. “I know, I’m grounded.” “I’m sorry. I’m going to go start the extra chores now.” What if you ask your child what discipline would be fair? You might hear some creative ideas.

Make them responsible for their actions

Much of the stress of parenting comes from us trying to solve situations, fix issues, and motivate children to have good behavior. It becomes easier if there are clear consequences for actions. Make bad behavior require good behavior to make it right. They can do community service, help neighbors, or help you.

Parenting is not easy, but you can make it easier on yourself if you use some of the calmer techniques.

Making Virtual Learning Work

After teaching for forty years, I can say that the last two years have probably been the most challenging and required the most flexibility and creativity. When the pandemic first hit, we had a one-day warning to prepare and then our school launched virtual learning. We learned how to handle daily classes as we went. Last year, my school was mostly in person with some students choosing to be virtual, so teachers now had to do both in-person teachings as well as filling the needs of the virtual learners. It has not been an ideal situation, but I have learned some strategies to help my students learn and I would like to share them with you. These will help students, teachers, and parents.

#1 Communication

There has to be communication between everyone involved in the learning experience for virtual learning to work. Teachers need to give clear directions and expectations and share them with both parents and teachers. Parents and students should feel comfortable asking questions. It is also important to open a few extra ways to communicate. I created GroupMe accounts for each class so that I could text them quickly or they could tell me if there was a tech issue. It came in handy the day I meant to turn off the PowerPoint, but I kicked myself out of the meeting instead. Suddenly I was receiving messages that said, “Madame, are you coming back?”

Although good communication is important, parents should not send unnecessary e-mails or have unrealistic expectations that the teacher should reply within five minutes. There are a lot of moving parts with virtual learning and preparing for it can be more time-consuming than normal.

#2 Create a workspace

The first lockdown in March was frustrating for teachers because some students thought learning from the bed was a great idea, with the camera off or pointed towards the ceiling fan. It is best to find a more serious spot than the bed. If you do not have a desk, use the kitchen table. Have everything you need and make it as distraction-free as possible.

#3 Practice any new technology before it’s go time.

Technology is an amazing tool, but it’s always a good idea to have a backup plan in case it doesn’t work. Check connectivity and make sure everyone knows what platform will be used and where the codes are found. Headphones seem to work well to avoid distractions, so find a pair that works for you.

#4 Give grace

The chances of everything going smoothly all the time is not high even when everyone is doing his best. We must work together to make a difficult situation easier, give some grace, and have a sense of humor.

#5 Be flexible

This is one of the biggest elements for success with virtual learning. Be creative, play with possibilities, fight frustration, ask questions, and grow in your knowledge of troubleshooting.

#6 Keep a sense of humor

Some very funny stories have come out of my experiences with virtual learning. There was a time when a girl thought she was muted, but wasn’t and I had trouble getting her attention to get her to stop talking to her mom because I was laughing too hard. There will be connectivity issues when someone loses connection continually while giving a presentation. Teachers kicked themselves off of the internet platform without realizing it and continued to teach for twenty minutes before realizing that it was very quiet.

#7 Be transparent

I was so nervous on the first day of virtual learning. We had not had much preparation, and I was so nervous that I was going to do everything wrong and let my students down. During my first class, I confessed to my class how I was feeling, and I discovered they were very nervous too. They didn’t know what the expectations were, or how they were supposed to complete them. It helped me to be honest with my students and ask for their help. I also think it is a good idea for everyone to do an emotional check from time to time. Ask the simple question of “How are you doing?” Parents, students, and teachers all have suffered some distress during the pandemic, and it helps to share the feelings.

#8 Ask for help

Success with virtual learning requires a community. A group of teachers formed a GroupMe account to support each other, and we shared challenges and questions. Someone always had the answer to whatever someone else was struggling with. It did not feel as isolating as it could have because we had each other.

#9 Have some fun

This is a time to try some creativity and some activities you might not do in the classroom. One of my most successful moments was when I cooked with my French class virtually. I sent a list the day before on Google of what they would need. I showed them how to separate an egg, how to make French mayonnaise and a French appetizer, and French toast. I have never had so much of a response from parents saying they watched it, enjoyed the excitement, and that now the students were making the dishes.

# 10 Let Some things go

The curriculum can still be taught well and learned, but it may have to be done in a slightly different way. Create curiosity and some questions and allow the students to continue to delve deeper into the material.

Teachers should realize that lecturing every day is not the best idea in a virtual environment. Find some fun ways to teach the material. Students are more engaged and excited when the learning is interactive. Parents, if you have become the teacher, you can do the same thing. Go to a museum or a public garden to learn by doing. There is a great website www.abcteach.com which has some wonderful ideas for teachers and parents.

My oldest daughter gave birth to my precious grandson two months ago. During that time, I have watched her try to do everything perfectly. She has been a rock star mom, but anyone will tell you that parenting is messy and what worked brilliantly one day, probably will not work the next. Although It has been a huge learning experience for her in the beauty of imperfection, it has been difficult to watch my daughter exhaust herself as she does her best to be a good mom. I have tried to keep my advice to myself unless I was asked for it, but I think I could have saved her some angst if I had offered a few bits of hard-learned wisdom. Here are a few things that might help any parent.

Self-care is as important as child care.

You cannot do your child any good if you are exhausted, emotionally drained, or hungry. Do not feel guilty about doing things for yourself because you can take better care of your child if you feel good. Find things that lift your spirits like dancing to great music in the kitchen with your child, binging on a great series, or door dashing your favorite foods. People will tell you that most problems can be avoided if you keep your child fed and rested, and the same is true for you. You also need some time to yourself, so If you have someone who can watch the child, sneak out for an hour.

Define your boundaries

Everyone wants to see a new baby, but a stream of visitors will wear you out. Post a note on the door to not ring the doorbell, and give friends and family times when they can visit. Older children bring over friends at all hours, so you may need to draw some boundaries there.

Let things go

You are going to make so many mistakes as a parent, and that’s ok. You will learn from each stumble and come back stronger. There are certain days when you should not worry whether the laundry is done, or the house is clean. Rearrange your priorities to fit your life and situation.

United we stand    

If you have a partner in the parenting journey, make sure you support each other’s decisions because children are very good at finding weak spots and creating division. Work together to decide how you want to approach each situation and then do it as a united front.

Share with other parents

It is often difficult to be transparent about what is not going right in our parenting adventure, but when we have the courage to share our struggles, it not only helps us when we realize we are not the only ones dealing with the same issues, but it can also help others who thought the problem was theirs alone.

Drop the guilt

As parents, when our children do something wrong, we immediately think it is because we did something wrong. I cannot tell you how liberating it was for me when I realized my children needed to take responsibility for their actions.

Keep a sense of humor

When my husband and I start telling parenting stories, we usually start laughing so hard our stomachs hurt. Parenting has been messy, awkward, frustrating, emotional, and most definitely funny. As long as you are doing your best for your children, everything else will work itself out.

You do you.

This has been the advice I have given my daughter the most. Everyone has an opinion about how something should be done and they don’t have any trouble sharing that advice with you. You need to choose what works for you and your family.

How to Turn on Your Mental Power

When we think about training to be a runner, we start to think about the physical aspects. We plan out our mileage, our nutrition, and our cross-training, but to be at our best, we must add mental training to the mix.

Being a strong runner, both mentally and physically is a game-changer because your mental strength can influence your physical success. There are quite a few strategies you can use to turn on your mental power. Let me share a few with you.

Encourage someone

When you start to lose your focus or motivation, it can help if you turn your attention to someone else. I was running a particularly nasty hill when I started to think about walking. The woman ahead of me started to walk. I said, “C’mon, let’s crush this hill together!” When she started running, I knew I couldn’t stop because I had now become the encourager. At the top of the hill, she turned to me and said, “Thank you!” I laughed and told her she had been the one who had helped me.

Break the task into pieces.

Think of it in smaller steps instead of looking at something as a whole and being overwhelmed by it. When I run an ultra, instead of thinking about how long I will be running, I relax and talk to the people around me, enjoy the scenery, and focus on the miles one by one. One of my favorite 5k races starts at a church, goes through a park, and finishes downtown. I know exactly where each mile marker is, and I divide the race into those three parts. It seems so much easier to look at things in pieces than to be overwhelmed by the whole.

Replace negative thoughts with positive ones.

This can become a game of how creative you can be. Each time a negative thought sneaks in, change it to a positive one. Actively work at raising your spirits mentally and watch the effects it will have on your physical state. An example could be when you think that you are tired. Change that thought to, “I’m going to go a little farther and see how I feel. I’m sure I will find a second wind.”

Remind yourself of rewards

When we do positive things for ourselves and others, there are always rewards. When I am struggling up a hill or on a run that seems endless, I remind myself how many benefits I will get from what I am doing, and how it will make me stronger.

Because I will do anything for food, I often think about what I will eat when I’m done and that alone will motivate me.

Change your perspective

When most people see a gargantuan hill looming in front of them, they decide to walk even before they arrive there. Instead of allowing that hill to defeat you, it can be helpful to realize at you can leave many of your competitors behind on that hill. Hills are usually only half as bad as they look, and they can help you instead of hurting you. When a workout is hard, focus on the improvements you will see in the future instead of the pain you are feeling in the moment.

Visualize

This is the equivalent of sending positive thoughts into the universe. Imagine yourself having success at whatever you are about to do. See yourself crushing your goals. Visualization will ground you, make you feel prepared, and give you a confident calmness.

Be your cheerleader

When a friend lifts you with encouraging messages, you feel like your goal is possible, so why can’t you do the same thing with your own self-talk? I often cheer myself on while I am running. I keep repeating positive messages about what I am doing and what I hope to accomplish. We can be pretty hard on ourselves, and the negative messages can weigh us down. Sending our brain uplifting messages can make a positive difference.

Set some mental goals for yourself and work on them. Decide what you would like to be better at and decide how your mental power can help you achieve what you desire. Failure might be a necessary part of building your mental strength.

                                     Thoughts for Reflections

     I had a French teacher in high school who never called fixing our mistakes corrections. She would always tell us she had added several pearls of wisdom in the margins for our reflection. She wanted us to think about what we had written instead of merely changing it. She taught us that it wasn’t enough for something to be wrong or right, it mattered that you had thought about it and found a way to back up your opinion. She not only gave us pearls of wisdom in the margins, but she also gave us thoughts about life.

If you are like me, you occasionally need some pearls of wisdom, or a few words of inspiration to lift you up, or some thoughts for reflection. This is what I would like to offer you, a few positive thoughts for your reflection.  

Everyone has issues that they are dealing with so do not think you are the only one struggling with life. Many times the people who seem to have it the most together are the ones with the biggest issues and the ones who need our kindness the most. The quickest way to forget about your troubles is to reach out and help someone else.

Hugs are healing and should be given freely.

No one is a perfect parent. The best parents give love freely, set boundaries, and give out consequences when the boundaries are breached.

Everyone has value and a voice that deserves to be heard.

A simple smile can turn someone’s whole day around.

Spirituality is all around you if you are ready to accept it.

Being healthy is not rocket science and it’s not achieved in 5 minutes or from a pill.

Nothing really good comes easily.

Failure does teach you more than success.

Never give up because you could be a breath away from success

It’s o.k. to keep doing it wrong until you get it right.

Run away from toxic things and people.

Fear destroys dreams.

Love makes a difference.

Reality differs from person to person.

Politeness is something that everyone should practice.

Acts of kindness have a domino effect.

You can learn something from everyone.

Stress can kill you, and worrying is wasted energy.

Positive thinking does work.

What you do whether good or bad will come back to you.

People will treat you the way that you let them treat you.

Learning new things stimulates your brain.

We should all believe in miracles.

Children know how to live best. We should follow their example but maybe forget about the tantrums.

Blessings are all around us.

Realizing what we have is more important than complaining about what we don’t.

It’s not what happens to you it’s how you react to it.

A bad day is a choice.

Attitude can change everything.

Laughter is the best medicine.

A sense of humor makes everything better.

When it comes to friends, quality not quantity counts.

Service to others is a way to give back.

Hard work does pay off.

Setting goals is a great motivator.

Slow down a little to enjoy life more.

Sleep can affect everything else you do.   

Never feel guilty for occasionally doing nothing.

Showing an interest in other people can teach us more about ourselves.

It’s never all about you.

Simple is always best.

Walk away from drama.

You cannot say I love you too much.

Reading makes you smarter.

These are only some very basic thoughts that I hope will make you nod your head, and hopefully resonate with you in some way.

• The course is mostly flat

Most runners have heard this lie, and although they want to believe it, they know that flat is a relative term. Mostly flat means there is at least one hill that will almost kill you, and rolling hills means you are in big trouble and will probably need a nap later. The worst elevation lie though is from the race directors who claim the race is a downhill race. There may be some downhill here and there, but you are going to travel up at some point.

• The race is almost sold out.

This lie works on runners because we are afraid of missing out on a running opportunity. There are probably at least 100 spots still open, but the idea that we might lose our spot makes us sign up immediately.

• I would love to run with you.

I have fallen for this lie on numerous occasions and it can come from both non-runners and runners. The conversation usually goes like this.

“I would love to run a race with you.”

“Oh, that would be great! There is one this weekend, would you like to go?”

“No, I think I’m busy this weekend.”

“what about next weekend?”

“I’m pretty sure I’m busy then too.”

Most people want to talk about racing, but for many the idea of showing up at a race is daunting. If they would only come once, they would see there is a variety of fitness levels at every race.

• You will PR on this course.

Every runner would like to pr, but this claim is usually a hook to attract you to a race. Although terrain and elevation can help you attain a personal best, your training and nutrition will have more of an effect on whether you PR or not.

• You are almost there.

I am ashamed to say I am guilty of telling this lie to a friend who was doing her first 10k.

She was so afraid she would not make it to the finish, and she kept asking me how long it was until the next mile marker, so I kept telling her we were almost there. Most of the time, this lie is heard halfway into a distance race and while you wish you could believe it, you know you have miles to go.

• I haven’t run much, or I’m injured.

I love to listen to runners talking to each other about their supposed injuries before a race. They tell each other why they will not perform well at the current race while it is only a safety net in case they do not do well. They have given an excuse for a lackluster performance, so if it should happen, they can save their dignity.

• The trail is well marked.

This is an unfortunate lie for the directionally impaired like me. There have been more than a few times when I have run a few extra miles because there were not enough markers on the trail.

• There is a variety of terrain.

This usually means you are in for a rough race if you do not have the right shoes. There will be creeks, gravel, mud, grass, pavement, roots, and stones waiting for you out there.

• These are the best shoes.

Shoes are personal and you must figure out through trial and error which are the right ones for you. There is no perfect shoe for all. Go to a running store and have them check your running style, talk to other runners, and then try a few on to see which ones feel good.

• Real runners run distance or run fast or both.

If you run, you are a real runner. Do not listen to the lie that you have to be super-fast or capable of running mega miles in order to be a runner. I often admire the person who struggles to run but who stills shows up more than I do the elite runner.

                            How to Support Expectant and New Mothers

Shortly after my daughter announced she was expecting, I told her she was going to hear all kinds of crazy comments and advice. I warned her it would amaze her what people would think it was o.k. to say, and that she should not let any of it bother her. As her pregnancy progressed, she has shared many of these moments with me, and we have laughed, rolled our eyes, and shaken our heads.

Expecting a child and being a new mother is a tumultuous time for anyone, even someone who has had several children, but it is especially crazy for first-time parents. Everyone has slightly different experiences, everyone is wondering what to expect and what is “normal”. It is a time when new parents need support more than ever, but often we are not sure how to best give that support. Here are some ideas for what you can do and say, as well as what you should consider not saying or doing.

During pregnancy

It’s probably never a good idea to ask someone when she is due unless you have been told she is pregnant, or she is wearing a t-shirt that says baby on board. Although we all wish we looked like we did pre-pregnancy after a week, it takes longer than that for most women to lose the baby weight, so even when someone looks like they must be pregnant, it’s a good idea to not ask that question.

Every woman has the right to tell her labor story as often as she wants, but share it with women who have also already gone through childbirth. Do not share the graphic details with an expectant mother. If it is her first time giving birth, she does not need to hear stories about tearing, passing out, problems with the birth in general, or the three days that you were in labor. If anything went wrong with your pregnancy, a first-time mom is not the person with whom you should share it. Instead of telling your story, encourage the pregnant woman to journal about her experience. Encourage her to make a list of questions to her doctor instead of offering your advice.

The only comment that should be made about a pregnant woman’s appearance is to tell her she looks amazing, and that she is glowing. The following comments and questions should be avoided; “Wow, you have gotten huge! Are you sure you are not having twins? You are so small, are you sure you are, o.k.? Wow, you are swollen!” When I was pregnant with my first child, there was a colleague who would yell, “Hey, fat lady!” I can assure you that pregnant women do not enjoy being called fat.  

Avoid asking personal questions about choices the parents will make when the baby arrives. It is no one’s business whether the mother will breastfeed, or what type of birth she will have. If she offers this advice, support her choice even if it would not have been the way you would have done it.

Ask what you can do to help during pregnancy. You could offer help with housework, arrange for a foot rub, or arrange for food to be delivered. If the mom has children, offer to help with the children.

Emotions can be crazy during pregnancy, so give the expectant mother some grace if she seems to not be herself, or if she bursts into tears for no reason. It is a wonderful time to surround her with laughter, relaxation, family, and good food.

While it is ok to ask if parents know what gender they are having, it is not appropriate to say things like, “Are you ok with that?”, or, “Oh, another boy, are you going to keep trying?” Let the expectant mother know that you are hoping for a happy, healthy baby. 

Do not talk about having a child as a doom and gloom situation. Keep your comments positive and instead of saying things like, “Wow, get ready, you are not going to get any sleep.” Say, “Keep telling yourself this is only temporary, and eventually the baby will sleep longer.”

After the Birth

If the new mom wants to share intimate details of the birth that is up to her but do not ask for specifics other than how big the baby was.

Do not suggest to the new mom that her milk might not be adequate, or that if she doesn’t do something correctly she will go back to the hospital, or ask after a week why a schedule has not been established.

Although everyone wants to see and hold the baby, the new parents also need the space to figure out what works for both the baby and them. The new mom needs rest and quiet. This is a time when you should ask what the new parents need and then respect that. Food is almost always appreciated, but ask what they would like. Some new moms want family around them while others want to bond with the baby and figure out what will work for them. Do not give advice unless you are asked. Be patient and help out where it is needed.

Let the new parents know what an amazing job they are doing, and support their choices. Parenting is messy and chaotic, but they will figure it out. Help support them to do that, but on their terms.     

Karate Chick

I started Karate when I was forty-five. I am a mild-mannered teacher and mother of three, and I don’t think many people would guess that I am passionate about a form of martial arts and that the part I enjoy the most is fighting.

I started karate because my son always wanted to do it, and I saw it as something we could do together. I remember walking into the first class not being sure what I was getting into, but I never guessed at the roller coaster ride ahead of me.

I immediately fell in love with the way karate pushed me physically. I lift weights and I am a distance runner, but karate changed my body in ways I never expected. I dropped five pounds in the first month, and my body became more toned than ever before. The strength karate gave me helped my running and also gave me more confidence. When I began to see positive changes, it encouraged me to try harder to become stronger and be in better condition. Karate is like speed training in running. You need quick bursts of energy and there is a wide range of activities within a workout. Karate can give you both strength training and cardio.

Karate can also help you make positive changes emotionally. When I first started, I became very frustrated when something new did not come to me right away. As I trained, I learned that anything is possible if you do not give up. I changed my mentality from “I can’t do this” to “O.K. what do I need to do to learn this.” It is amazing how much easier it is to learn something when you take down a few obstacles you have placed in your own way.

Karate has given me the courage to do things I never thought I would do. When I am on the mat, I am terrified, but no matter what I am asked to do, I conquer my fear and do it.

Karate has also taught me that simple can be best in all things. A technique or movement does not have to be complicated for it to be effective. We often make our lives too complicated, and karate has taught me that in life and the dojo, it is best to follow the path of least resistance.

Karate is not an easy sport. I have had my share of injuries including a black eye, a torn Solaris muscle, a knocked-out tooth, busted stitches, and a torn band. I knew I might have a problem when I went to the urgent care for my stitches and the nurse said, “Have you been here?” and my reply was “Not to this one.” After each injury, I have been eager to jump back into the fray. Karate pushes me to the limit both mentally and physically, and I know this is what I need to improve myself. Here are some ways to find success if you choose karate.

Find a Mentor

You must ask questions to become better at anything and karate is a prime example. Find someone willing to help train you. Realize that you can learn from everyone in the dojo, but it is good to have a central person who can guide you through your training. There is always so much more to learn, and it is helpful to have someone who is invested in helping you improve. Everyone has different styles, so it is a good idea to ask the opinions of as many people as possible and then adapt everything to a style that works for you.

Push yourself

Don’t settle for just being good and getting by. Make your goal to be the best you can be. Push yourself in each class. Make a goal to improve something each time you step on the mat. Practice at home. Study the sport. Watch others that you admire and try to see what makes them successful. Improve your physical conditioning by working out outside of class.

Be mentally tough

Karate is just like any sport when it comes to the importance of mental strength. You must have an attitude in karate and go into any situation with confidence and strength. Don’t ever give up and keep telling yourself you can do it. Keep getting back up when you are knocked down and never stop fighting. Meditation and imagining your success can both improve your mental strength.

Never underestimate an opponent

Just because someone is wearing a lower rank belt than you, does not mean they cannot pull something off you did not expect. Treat each opponent with respect and be on your guard. Do not go too easy on lower-ranking students since this can sometimes be seen as disrespect. You can learn from everyone who trains with you.

Don’t forget the basics

Everything you learn builds on the basics. If your basic forms are not good, then the rest of your techniques will suffer. Take the time to go back regularly to practice beginning forms and katas. I constantly find new things I can improve.

Give back

Once you are at a higher rank, take the time to help beginners. Offer to help them learn new techniques. Listen to their concerns and share stories. Let them know you have gone through many of the things they are going through.

I would recommend women to give karate a try. Don’t be deterred because there are more male students than females. Karate can teach you skills to protect yourself, improve your confidence, and be at your strongest physically. Take your first step towards being a ninja.

                                                     

     There have been so many times when the biggest difference that I have made in someone’s life was done completely without a conscious effort. It is amazing how simple acts of kindness can completely turn someone around. An act we consider inconsequential can be huge to someone else.

     The simple gift of time can save someone’s life. My oldest sister had just gone through a divorce after thirty years of marriage. Not only had her husband left her for someone twenty years younger, he also tried to have their marriage annulled by the Catholic church because his new partner wanted him to become Catholic. My sister was devastated that not only had her husband left her, but also her church might turn its back on her. I was amazed an annulment could be considered after thirty years of marriage, but fortunately the request was denied. Shortly after all of that, my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. I brought her lunch one day and assured her that the women in our family were strong enough to make it through anything, and she would have support when she needed it. I eventually went home and thought nothing more about that day. Five years later my sister said to me; “You know the day you brought me lunch?” I said I did and she said; “I was going to kill myself that day. I didn’t think I was strong enough to go on and you convinced me that I was.” I had no idea the simple conversation I had with my sister could have had such an impact, but I am very glad I took the time to go visit her.

     You can also affect your children with the gift of time. You don’t have to buy them fancy gadgets and toys. What they really want and need is you. Lift them up by telling them how much you enjoy spending time with them. Watch a movie together, read together, find an activity that you both love. Slow down long enough to see how special your family is.

     How many people would benefit from the simple interaction of someone who wants to listen to their story? How we listen affects people too. We are all so busy and everyone is trying to multitask and we do not really focus fully on people who are speaking to us. Turn towards the person who wants your attention. Stop doing everything else and listen.

     You never know what someone is struggling with and sometimes a little kindness can go a long way. Recently, we were at a race and winners were being announced. A girl in front of us won in her age group and when her name was called I yelled “Whoohoo, Jody!! You go girl!” She thanked me and told me it meant a lot to her when I cheered for her because her whole family was in Colombia and she was homesick. We took pictures for her so she could send them home. Once again, it was such a simple act that meant so much to someone else.

     As a teacher, it is my job to encourage my students, but I have to tell you that the students who have thanked me and told me I changed their lives were almost always those students for whom I never felt I had done anything out of the ordinary. I once wrote a note in a journal of a girl who worked so hard all of the time. I told her I appreciated her amazing work ethic. At the end of the year, I was coming back to the dorm from graduation and I met her coming down the stairs. She had left her friends and family and had come to wait for me to tell me she appreciated all I had done for her. All I could think was that I hadn’t done anything special for her.

     You never know when you will have a chance to lift someone up. I once went into have a massage and the woman and I were making casual conversation when she revealed to me that she was in an abusive relationship. I spoke with her about it and at the end of the session she said “I think you were sent here today for me.” In my mind all I had done was express what I knew was common sense.

     Imagine if only by smiling you could turn someone’s day around. Holding the door for someone or asking how they are doing are all so easy to do and you could be making a difference for someone. It is so easy to be caught up in ourselves, but the best way to feel good about ourselves is to help someone else.

     We have a chance every day; we can live in our own little world, never talk to strangers, let other people take care of problems, or we can step out of our comfort zone and do our best to lift up as many people as we can. As for me, I’m ready to do some heavy lifting if it will make a difference.      

                                                   

The past year has been full of important topics to discuss, but as a nation, we have struggled with having constructive interactions. Several conditions set up roadblocks to talking about an issue calmly and intelligently, and  there are several reasons why these discussions often break down. If we can remove these conditions from the table, we can begin to have honest conversations where we work towards understanding and solutions. Here are a few things to do to keep a conversation on track.

Keep the discussion focused on one topic at a time.

Let’s use Covid as a potential topic. Imagine someone says that Covid wasn’t real, but before you can respond to that, the speaker veers off on another completely different topic. Ask the person if you can go back to the first comment before talking about the second one. The reason you are doing this is to allow you to hone in on one thing and have a full understanding of the other person’s position as well as having a chance to express your thoughts instead of jumping around among a million grievances. 

Express your interest and ask for clarification

Let the person with whom you are speaking know you are interested in her thoughts. Everyone wants to know she has a voice and that she has been heard. Ask her to explain her statement, and ask why she feels this way. Use body language to show your interest. Turn your body completely towards her, and make eye contact.

Empathize with the other person.

Tell the person with whom you are speaking that you can see why she would think this way. Even if you think her opinion is outlandish, empathizing with her lets her know you are understanding where her opinion is coming from. It does not mean you agree with her. It will make any difference in an opinion easier for her to accept.

Express your opinion calmly without emotions.

Emotions are often the cause of failed discussions. Anger, frustration, and a lack of knowledge will derail a good conversation. Stay calm even if the other person does not.

Look at the facts together

Invite the other person to look at the facts that you have found about the subject. Many conversations involve false information that can be cleared up if we look at the information together.

Brainstorm solutions.

So many issues could be resolved if we worked together instead of feeling as if we need to choose sides. Us versus them mentality is counterproductive and causes more problems.

Realize sometimes you have to walk away.

I think we have all shaken our heads now and then during the past year over reality versus the perception of reality. There will be people who refuse to listen or change their opinion even when the facts are in front of them. If you feel as if you are talking in a circle, you are wasting your time.

I hope these ideas will help you as you ask each other questions on hot topics, trade opinions, and look for solutions. There are so many opportunities for positive change, but we have to work together and not against each other. It all starts with some positive discussions.