It’s All About The Attitude

How many times have you seen a woman who seems to juggle a million things in her life and yet she seems calm and in control? Before you begin to ask yourself why you cannot seem to do it all, let me provide you with a little insight into the life of the woman who seems to be able to balance family and career with ease. I propose that these women only do one thing better than other women and that is they know the importance of attitude. For every situation we find ourselves in, we have choices about how we will react. Every day, we can choose how we view and react to the people and things around us in either a positive or negative way.

I have been told many times that I always seem calm and balanced, but my close friends know the ugly truth. My friends and family think it is hysterical that every time my husband leaves on business, unbelievable things befall me and when he is home, life runs extremely smoothly. I have learned to first deal with whatever happens as best I can, then laugh at the situation and then call both my friends and family to tell them the newest incident. They know what to expect when they hear me say “You are not going to believe this but….” Let me give you several of the tamer examples.

One night the dog was running up and down the stairs constantly. Now I know I should have suspected something was wrong, but I was too tired to get up. The next morning, I got up and there was a false sense of normalcy hanging in the air. I was almost ready to head out the door with my three-year-old. I went upstairs to wake up my two older children. As I was halfway up the stairs, I heard my daughter’s door open, and then she screamed. I ran up with the three-year-old right behind me and discovered that the dog had pooped everywhere. I really was amazed that one medium-sized dog could produce that much poop. I opened the door to my son’s room to discover that the dog had also vomited. I turned back towards my children. My three-year-old thought this was probably the coolest thing she had seen in a long time and my older children had a look of horrified anticipation waiting to see how I would react. I only had a window of five minutes to get out the door for daycare and I had meetings straight through the day so I said, “I’m really not sure when I can clean this up.” Then I turned and left with Katie. When I returned to pick up Jess and Ty, I discovered they had cleaned up everything. A situation that could have been a nightmare ended up being a feel-good experience because of the way we reacted to it.

Another day, we were leaving with seconds to spare to get to the school bus. I turned to tell my son to be careful because the porch was slippery and I then stepped on a patch of ice and although I did not fall, my book bag went flying. Pens were sticking out of leaf piles; papers were blowing down the road. I scooped up what I could and continued to the van where I discovered the doors were frozen shut. When I finally managed to pry open the door, it then would not shut. I drove to daycare holding the driver’s door while my daughter cheered me on saying “c’mon mommy you can do it. Don’t let go! Hold on tight.” When I arrived at school with my precious cup of coffee, I was turning the corner to my room when I slipped on an errant backpack strap and the coffee went everywhere. The girls sitting near the backpack looked horrified and did not know what to do. I started laughing and went to get paper towels. They helped me clean it up and even treated me to a reenactment of how I looked when I slipped.

Today, I came home to find a hawk trapped in our porch. Not a small pretty, easy to chase out the bird, but a hawk! Complete with sharp beak and talons. At first, I had the bright idea to try to shoo him out with a broom, but as I was poking him with the broom, I took a good look at the beady eyes and those talons and decided that maybe the whole broom thing was not a good idea. I convinced one of our science teachers to come and liberate the bird. Did I mention that he had huge talons?

Unfortunately, I could continue to tell more of these stories, but my point is that whenever these events unfold, I can change the outcome and how I feel about that outcome with my attitude and by keeping a sense of humor. I can also teach my children how to react in less than favorable situations. Considering how many things have gone wrong, I think they have the picture. In my opinion, almost everything that we do in life or have to deal with in life can follow this rule. It does not matter what happens to you but how you deal with it. I choose to find the positive whenever possible. Since I think my husband will continue to travel, and I have a feeling that the bizarre incidents will continue, it is a remedy that works for me as well as allowing me a chance to entertain my friends.

A Mom’s Guilt

Mom guilt occurs when a mom does not feel she is doing enough as a parent, or that she isn’t doing something correctly. Moms can face a double-edged sword where no matter what they do, they will be criticized. There are many triggers for mom guilt including thoughts about whether a child is being properly cared for, should a mom stay home, or work, breastfeed or use formula, how to discipline, how much screen time is appropriate, what is good nutrition, and the list continues. While handling all those areas and more, a mother is supposed to find balance in her life, but what she usually finds is total chaos. Mom guilt added to the normal fatigue of parenting is obviously not good for either your mental or physical health, but what can you do? Here are a few ideas to cope with the guilt.

Make a list

List the things that make you feel guilty. Sometimes making a list can make things seem more manageable. Seeing a list will help you stay focused, and a list will help calm your anxiety. Decide if there is any validity in your feeling of guilt for each of the items on your list. Is your child showing signs of being adversely affected by it? Is there anything that will make you feel better about each situation?

Identify the source of the guilt.

Why are you feeling guilty? Reflect on that question with curiosity instead of blame. Is the guilt warranted? What led to the mistake? What would you do differently now? What did you learn? Answering this question will help you to reflect on the guilt you are feeling. Before you can eliminate the guilt, you have to acknowledge it and examine it.

Journal

Writing about your feelings is a healthy form of self-expression and it can help you identify when and why you feel guilty. Journaling helps you to organize your thoughts, allow yourself to self-reflect, and relieve stress. Writing helps us to confront emotions and events. It can make us more self-aware and can make it easier to track our thinking process. It helps us to put things in perspective.

Avoid comparisons

We all wish we could look effortlessly put together, but the average mom is sleep deprived, isn’t sure her makeup is on and is dreaming about losing a few pounds. You will meet the mom who had a baby a week ago and looks like she could rock a bikini or the entrepreneur who seems capable of juggling five things at once and being a supermom. Everyone has something we wished we had, but we don’t see what they have that we would not want. Count your blessings, realize that imperfection is much more interesting and easier to maintain, and don’t waste time wishing you were like someone else when you don’t know what darkness might be below the surface. Be the most glorious version of you that you can be.

Filter the noise

Mom guilt usually comes from other moms. When moms question another mom’s decisions about parenting or offer unasked-for advice, it can cause mom guilt. Imagine if you have been breastfeeding for nine months and someone asks you when you are going to stop and then comments how odd it seems when a woman breastfeeds beyond a year. Breastfeeding is one of many personal decisions that a woman seems to have to defend. At least one person will ask you how you know if your baby is getting enough milk and carrying on activities in public and especially at work can make you wonder if you made the right decision. You will also hear all kinds of crazy advice for your child’s entire life. When people offer comments or advice, all you have to say is, “I appreciate your opinion, but this is what works for us.” If they continue to push back, you can add, “I hope you will respect our choice.”

The other noise you will hear is the moms who constantly brag about their perfect children. There is nothing wrong with celebrating your children, but when it is excessive and the parents also add that their children are the way they are because of their amazing parenting style and then go on to judge other parenting styles, problems can arise. Many parents are good at painting glossy images of perfect children but if you pull back the layers, there are usually quite a few imperfections, so don’t worry if your child isn’t bringing home all the awards.

Trust your instincts

A mom’s instinct is a real thing. If you trust your gut in a situation that requires a decision, you will usually find that you made the right choice. I can always tell if my children have a fever by feeling their forehead, but my husband says he is never sure. He thinks I have magical powers. Do what you know is the right choice not necessarily what will be the popular choice. If guilt slips in because the decision makes your children unhappy, feel confident that you made a choice for their best interests.

Listen to your children (In moderation)

Your children will let you know if you are doing a good job. We started taking our children to restaurants when they were tiny, and we taught them how to behave. When they were older, they would see a child misbehaving, shake their heads, and say, “That child does not know how to act in a restaurant.”

I always loved when they would acknowledge when they had done something wrong and tell me the punishment before I could open my mouth to pronounce the sentence. They knew the boundaries and the consequences.

Your children will also try to play you which is why I said listen in moderation. If they criticize you for something you know you do not do, let it go and carry on without letting any guilt take hold.

Let some things go.

You do not have to have a spotless house, well-groomed animals, and a perfectly manicured lawn to be a good parent. Life can be chaotic, so when you have a lot going on, it’s o.k. to let something go.

Practice self-care

Moms often feel guilty about taking time for themselves, but you will be better able to take care of others if you take care of yourself. Think of the safety procedures in an airplane. When the oxygen mask falls, you are instructed to put it over your face first and then your child’s because you need to be capable of helping him.

Give yourself grace

You are doing one of the hardest, most important, most frustrating, rewarding jobs there is and you are going to make mistakes. If you approach parenting with love and good intentions, you are doing fine. Accept that not all your decisions will be perfect and that you will have some moments you might want to forget, but you will get back up and try again.

Surround yourself with the right people.

Everyone needs a support system. Find people who have the same values and who will laugh with you when things get messy. Listen to valued sources of information and separate yourself from negative people.

Ask for help

Find the support you need whether it is to find someone to babysit your child or find some resources for mental health. Parenting is overwhelming, so ask for help when you need it.

Here are some resources to help moms. Screamin Mamas is a magazine for moms of all ages. You can read it on their website at https://screaminmamas.wixsite.com/screaminmamas

Here are some great websites. https://infoaboutkids.org/, https://www.apa.org/topics/parenting/resilience-tip-tool, https://kidsactivitiesblog.com/62777/going-back-to-work-staying-home

https://happyyouhappyfamily.com/stop-feeling-overwhelmed/

https://www.mothermag.com/resources-for-parents/

https://biglifejournal.com/blogs/blog/growth-mindset-resources?epik=dj0yJnU9S0xPQ3ZEVmFLNF82VEJfOF9TRFlYeTJzUUczOWRtN1QmcD0wJm49MnZMeFFIamRiTFhua0FSMzNQRzBHdyZ0PUFBQUFBR0ZUc0Q0&utm_source=pinterest&utm_medium=social

 

If you are looking for activities and educational support, you can go to www.abcteach.com

Use affirmations for yourself and others

Tell moms you know that they are doing a great job and give yourself applause when you know you are winning as a parent. When you need a lift, use some of the following affirmations to remind yourself how wonderful you are.

I matter. I am worthy of good things. I am strong. I am loved. I am a good parent.

Remember It’s not always your fault when your child does something wrong. As you do your best to be a good parent, you will make mistakes, learn from them, give yourself grace, and do what is right for your family.

     After the fanfare from the wedding subsides and the bags are unpacked from the honeymoon, it is time to figure out how to make the new marriage prosper. New couples have to learn how to live together and combine two lives into one while still maintaining some individuality. Every new bride can use some advice, and although I am not an expert, I have gained some wisdom in thirty-seven years of marriage that I would like to share.

Be flexible

Be willing to change plans, try something new, go somewhere different, meet someone new. Be open to new things and don’t be afraid of a little change. Living with someone is going to require give and take.

Talk behind his back

Talk behind his back, but make sure it is positive. Let people know what an amazing man you have. Save your complaints for your best friend or your mom.

Support each other

It is so sad to see two people tearing each other down while listing each other’s faults. Be each other’s best friends and be the one who is always there with support and unconditional love.

Let things go

There are certain things that my husband does that drive me crazy, but if I brought up everything that annoys me, it would cause all sorts of issues. Let the small stuff go. Pick what your battles are and try to ignore the rest.

Have a sense of humor

This should probably be number one because it is so important. Laugh at your mistakes and try not to take life too seriously. Laughing together is the best medicine.

Keep your own interests

Being married does not mean that you have to try to become someone else or be interested in the same things that your husband likes. Keep doing the things that you feel passionate about and share your experiences with your husband without expecting him to engage in them or that he demands that you participate in his.

Be interested in him

Show an interest in your husband and really listen to what he says even when it’s something that you really might not understand why he likes it. Expect the same from him. Ask for his advice and make him feel that his opinions really matter to you.

It’s the little things

There are so many little gestures to show that you love someone. It could be through food, helping with something, leaving a card, or just saying I love you. Show you care.

Think before reacting

My husband sometimes says things that I interpret differently than what he meant. Before you react to something that was said, check for understanding. It is a good idea to take a few minutes before reacting to anything. Give yourself time to assess the situation.

Communicate

You have to communicate in order to make a marriage work. Talk about what’s on your mind. What are your dreams, your needs, your opinions? Work out your differences as well as encouraging each other in your daily routine.

                                            A Mom’s Life #1

When my oldest daughter Jessica had a baby three months ago, we started talking about many of the challenges moms face, and we both agreed that moms lack enough resources to take care of the many situations they must control. We also agreed that moms need each other to discuss our joys, fears, triumphs, and failures, and we need to be able to talk about everything transparently and without judgment. Imagine if we help each other as mothers and share both the wisdom of experienced mothers and the fresh perspectives of first-time moms. We could help each other to relieve stress and brainstorm solutions for many of the topics that are relevant in a mom’s life.

 Jessica asked me to start a blog series about these topics and we are also going to do a podcast to match each blog. I hope you will follow us at www.jenniferswriting.org and I hope you will tell us what topics you would like to hear us discuss. I have been frustrated that many parenting magazines focus on articles about newborns and toddlers but parenting is forever and there are important issues to deal with at every age. We will be talking about a wide range of ages and issues including how to support a new mom, mothers and mental health, depression and children, self-care for moms, mom guilt, special needs children, easy screen-free activities, the college process, and many more topics.

Being a mom is a roller-coaster with highs and lows, and at some point, you will experience every emotion imaginable. A mom needs to be resilient, tough, kind, forgiving, wise, open, protective, loving, and capable of laughing at some very messy moments. Moms need to know that imperfection is beautiful as long as it is surrounded by love and good intentions. You will hear people talk about finding balance, but a full life is slightly tilted and chaotic. You will need to let a few things go and set some priorities. You also must take care of yourself so that you can be there for those you love.

One of the most important points I keep stressing to my daughter is that you will hear all kinds of advice on what to do, and some of it will be crazy. Do what works for you and your children and as long as you are happy and you and your children are thriving, the judgments and the “correct” way to do something are only noise.  

As we work through the many different topics, please know that I am not claiming to be a parenting expert. I have three children and I have taught for forty years. I would like to share what my experiences have taught me. I hope the discussions can help you, and that you feel comfortable using what works for you and passing on what does not.

Our next video and blog will be on mom guilt and I will have that completed soon. I hope you will follow and interact with us.   

10 Pieces of Advice from The Mother of The Bride

1. Be prepared for crazy. I have a friend who said the minute the engagement was announced, the crazy would start, and she was right. It came in different forms, from strange advice, to prophesies of imminent doom for any marriage, to strange family behavior and unusual and not always logical requests from the bride.
2. Remember it is her day. The wedding day is about the bride and groom so unless there is an unusual circumstance or something is too costly, the decisions should come from them. No matter how badly you want to do something your way, it is not your day.
3. Stand up for the Bride. You are going to have to interact with quite a few service providers and you will have to step in at least once to make sure that the experience of wedding preparation is a good one. My chance to do this came when we went wedding dress shopping. We went to a beautiful, but tiny boutique and when we entered, the woman who was in charge of taking care of us never greeted us or told us her name. She immediately said, “There are too many of you to go back to the viewing area.”, to which I replied “I guess this is a bad time to tell you that the maid of honor isn’t here yet.” She said “four of you can come back (we had 9) and the rest have to stay up here.” Um no. Everything worked out after some boundaries were established.
4. Break with Tradition When Necessary. When my daughter asked me to speak at the reception, my first thought was I think it’s just supposed to be the father, but I spent hours in excruciating pain bringing her into the world, and then experienced every emotion known while bringing her up. I think that I can find a few things to say.
5. Have a sense of humor. There will be things that happen that will make you shake your head, and others that leave you with your mouth open in shock. No matter what happens, try to laugh at it. Share the moments with friends and feel better when they are equally shocked at the stories. 
6. Be patient. This is a special life moment and hopefully will be the only marriage for your daughter so when another crazy request comes to you or something does not go as planned, just breathe and say “Oh, well.”
7. Enjoy the moments. Instead of always worrying or trying to manage the moment, enjoy what is happening. Soak up being with friends and family and experiencing an amazing event of a lifetime with your daughter.
8. Realize that everyone will have at least one meltdown.  There is just too much at stake to think that everything will go smoothly without stress, so just realize that when tears come, just listen and try to provide some reassurance and calm.
9. Do something special for your daughter.      You have a special bond with your daughter, and amid all the chaos, let her know how much she is loved. I found a book called what I love about you where you can insert different things that make her special to you.
10. Have a plan B. Something is going to go wrong. It’s just inevitable. I ordered amazing wedding shower favors and a beautiful door hanging of multi colored Gardenias. They all came the day after the shower. I ordered a personalized sash for the bride and when it arrived, her future last name was spelled incorrectly. As long as the bride and groom show up at the altar, the rest will just be a humorous memory.

                           

     In my opinion, anyone who runs is a runner regardless of size, age, or speed, but there are some qualities that seem to stand out among runners. Here are the ingredients that I think it takes to make a runner.

Several cups of grit

Runners are tough. No matter where a runner is in the running journey, a runner greets any setbacks with plan b. While someone else might give up when faced with a challenge, a runner finds a way around it.

An ample sprinkling of positive attitude

Attitude is slightly different from grit because the difference between positive or negative can effect your level of grit. A runner with a positive attitude will have a five minute pity party when an injury or illness knocks him down, but then the runner will look beyond the setback to coming back stronger with healing.

A dash of love for running shoes

Most runners run on a variety of terrains so it is a good idea to have shoes to meet the different demands. I have lightweight shoes for short runs, light trail shoes for middle distances, shoes with cushions for marathons, and heavy duty trail shoes for ultras. There is no doubt that I am a runner when you look in my closet.

A pinch of resiliency

All runners have to deal with injuries big and small during their running careers, but most runners will be back running as soon as possible. We have an amazing ability to bounce back which has something to do with the grit and attitude.

A dusting of fearlessness

I know quite a few runners who are willing to try things that most people would laugh at, and these runners will tell you how much fun they had while others think they are crazy. I have a terrible fear of heights and I don’t much like obstacles, but when my friend who was fighting cancer asked me to run a Mudder race with her, I said yes without hesitation. Every time I had to climb over another high obstacle and plummet down the other side, I just made myself think of my friend. All runners have a little bit of crazy inside, the urge to try something unknown that pushes us out of our comfort zone.

Seasoning to taste of competitiveness

We are competitive with ourselves, with our friends, and with the runner who has been on our heels for the entire race. We always want to be better, faster, stronger.

     If you put all these ingredients together, and let the qualities rise to the top, you will find the average runner, and although the recipe will never yield exactly the same results every time, the average runner is still a glorious thing to behold.

Most families have a busy lifestyle. The parents have hectic work schedules, children need our time and attention no matter what their ages, and older children have school activities as well as after-school obligations. It is difficult to balance a normal day without trying to find some time to be all together as a family, but family time is more important than anything else that we do. Here are some ideas for activities that are cost-friendly and no fuss.

Cooking

There is something about being in the kitchen that provides comfort. Even small children can help make cookies. Allow children to menu plan. Knowing how to cook is a valuable skill and the end product is fun to share.

Movie night

Pick a night once a month where a different member of the family can pick a movie that the whole family will watch. Prepare snacks and enjoy some entertainment together. This is my children’s favorite activity, and I am not allowed to try to do work or anything else during that time.

Arts and crafts

Arts and crafts allow families to work on projects and converse while doing it. Each season provides a chance for decorating the home, school, and neighborhood. Even coloring, or drawing together makes for a pleasant time. Craft ideas can be found at www.pinterest.com.

Sports

Engaging in sports together can build a family bond while improving family health. Families can run, swim, bike, horseback ride, go for walks, as well as many other sports.

Board games

Board games lead to laughter as family members try to use strategies to win. Younger children can learn with games like Candyland. Children can learn valuable skills like counting and strategic thinking.

Dinner together

One of the things that I have always insisted on is that we eat as a family. Not only do we share great food, but also it is a chance for everyone to share what happened during the day. I know every parent has asked their children when they come home “What did you do today?” only to hear “Nothing.” For some reason, during dinner children are more apt to share

Community service

Serving as a family is a great way to teach your children to look beyond themselves. There is so much need out there and you can instill in your children the need to serve. Possibilities include local thrift stores, missions, and churches.

These are just several examples of what you can do together as a family. No matter what you do together, the key element is to give your time to each other. Everything else fades in importance to family, so devote the necessary time to making great memories.

We all have those moments when we have taken a beating from life and/or from the people with whom we interact. We need someone who can give us direction, advice to heal our souls and calm our minds. We need that best friend who always has our back, and can speak words of wisdom to help us to see other’s perspectives.

Having someone who is your unconditional supporter is a lifesaver on those days when you want to hide under the covers. Life will be so much easier if you can treat yourself with more kindness and talk to yourself as if you are your best friend. How can we help others love themselves if we cannot love ourselves?

Our lives are meant to be lived to the fullest and to do that we have to have support and encouragement. The best place to look for that is within yourself. Here are some tips to help you help yourself.

1. Change your self-talk.

Listen to your self-talk for a day. Are your words uplifting, or are you tearing yourself down? Compare your thoughts with what you say to your best friend. Build yourself up with your words, and start to only say positive phrases. Continue to tell yourself you are more than enough until you believe it.

2. Practice self-care without guilt.

We often feel guilty when we pamper ourselves and do something that is only for us. However, when we take care of ourselves, it makes it easier to take care of others. It also strengthens our mental health and puts us in a better frame of mind. Taking care of yourself will have a positive influence on everything you do.

3. Do what you love.

Don’t listen to people who say you are too old to do something, or that an activity you enjoy is weird or silly. You never know if there is someone else who has been hesitant to do something and seeing you doing it will open the door for that person to try it.

4. Give yourself grace.

As a high school teacher, I have numerous opportunities to make a fool of myself, so I have learned to laugh at the less-than-glorious moments, and hope my students will learn to laugh at themselves too. We all make mistakes, say the wrong thing, or react badly. While we may be hard on ourselves, chances are pretty good that the other people involved forgot about it five minutes later.

5. Be yourself.

Trying to maintain a persona other than your authentic self is exhausting and defeating. Being transparent about strengths and weaknesses is liberating, and puts others at ease.

You hold the power to be happy and to choose joy. Follow the five steps to love yourself, and you will see a difference in your perspective about life.

Life can be chaotic in the best of times, but when you throw in a pandemic, fires, floods, and political tensions, a stressful concoction will bubble up. Our emotions and sensibilities are being pulled in a million different directions, so how can we maintain a sense of calm and peace? Let me give you ten suggestions for preserving the peace.

Soak up nature

Being outside can be restorative because nature has the power to heal. A walk on a beautiful day, a swim in a lake, or simply observing what is around you can cause a sense of peace and make you forget your troubles. Sit outside with a cup of coffee and forget about your troubles.

Exercise

Movement is a natural stress reliever. If you are filled with emotions, go for a walk, a run, a swim, or a bike ride, and the troubles will fall off behind you. Let your mind go blank except for observing what is around you.

Listen to your music

Music can motivate you with a catchy beat, but it can also calm you down with soothing sounds. I always say that dancing in the kitchen or singing at the top of your voice in the car will make any problem seem unimportant.

Laugh

Laughter seems to make problems bubble away. You cannot possibly be stressed when you are laughing. Hearing laughter has the same effect, especially if it is from a child. My oldest daughter and I react to each other’s laughter, and my sister could not keep from laughing if she heard my laughter. It is better than any medicine.

Control how much news you watch

I believe everyone should be informed, but too much news will raise your emotions and your stress level too high. When I see emotional stories I think about them for weeks, and it weighs heavy on me. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who is affected this way, so watch some uplifting stories too.

Play with an animal

It is proven that animals have a therapeutic effect on us. They make us laugh and they make us feel loved and needed.

Be still

Doing nothing can calm you down as you regroup and relax.

Disconnect

Social media is a lot of emotions swirling around and demanding likes and comments. It can be exhausting. Put all your technology away for a while every day.

Pray

Take some quiet time and pray for what’s on your mind. Releasing our worries through prayer can relieve some of the burden.

Do what you love

Doing more of what we love can make us happy and when we are happy, we are more peaceful.

If you can incorporate these ten things into your life, you can at least partially shut out all the craziness around you and find some peace. Each day brings a chance for renewal and new hope.