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The Prickly Path of Giving Advice to Children

The Prickly Path of Giving Advice to Children

As parents, shouldn’t we guide our children through life, helping them avoid some of the mistakes we made along the way? The answer to that is not always a resounding yes, and when they ask for advice, you should proceed with caution.

There are certain pieces of advice that are universally sound helpful hints. Here are a few I have offered my children.

  • Be money savvy. Always insure you are financially independent because relying on someone else for money can feel like a prison.
  • Self-care is essential for your health and happiness as well as for your ability to function well in all aspects of your life and in your ability to care for others. It is not selfish or a luxury.
  • Mental health is as important as your physical wellbeing. Reach out to loved ones or professionals when you need help.
  • Be transparent. Trying to be something you are not is exhausting. We are all a little messy and you might help someone else by revealing your imperfections.  
  • Positivity is powerful.
  • Be kind. There is a lot of hurt in the world. Kindness eases the pain.

All of that advice is something I would offer anyone, but when your children ask for more personal advice about specifics in their lives it can be a prickly path, and I would suggest you follow these steps.

  1. Listen carefully to your child’s request for advice without interrupting and without offering any judgment.
  2. When your child has finished, ask questions for understanding. It’s a technique called empathetic questioning where you repeat what a person has said but in the form of a question. An example would be if my daughter said, “I’m so angry at my stepson right now. How should I discipline him?” I can say, “So, you are feeling angry and want to find the right way to discipline him?” Now, you might ask how repeating the same thing can help, but most of the time when someone asks for personal advice, they don’t want you to solve the problem, they want to talk it out, and asking empathetic questions allows them to talk it out of their system, allowing them to see the situation without the emotion. I would then ask, “What do you think you should do?”  Allow your child to form her own decision. We are here to guide them not to control their every move.
  3. If your child asks again, “What should I do?” Take a deep breath and offer several options she might try. Don’t pinpoint one action because it might come back to bite you.

If your children ask you to make a decision about a relationship they are in I would advise you to change the subject because you cannot win. Of course, if the relationship is abusive in any way, help your child to leave, but the emotions run high in these situations, so like before, let your child talk it out and reach her own decisions.

I hope this helps. Parenting never ends. It remains a glorious, complicated adventure and we learn as we go. Good luck!!

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Your Emergency Emotional Kit

Do you have those days when you wake up in a funk? There might be good reasons for those feelings, or you might be having one of those days when you are feeling off kilter.

Most of us keep a first aid kit for when we have a physical issue. It’s just as important to have an emergency kit for our mental health too. What do you need to ease those hard days? Here are a few ideas.

Make a playlist. Music can heal, so use it to help you when you are struggling. Make a playlist of your favorite songs. You can also make several different ones. One can be upbeat motivational songs, another can be quiet and peaceful, and a third can be a combination. Listen to them depending on your mood.

When I was stressed, I used to listen to I can only imagine by Mercy Me and something about the song always calmed me. Music has power so use it to help your moods.  

Laugh. It’s difficult to stay sad when you are laughing. Do you have someone who makes you laugh so hard that your stomach hurts? I can’t completely explain it, but when my oldest daughter and I are together, hilarious things happen. We start laughing and things go downhill from there. Spend time with your person. Watch funny movies and videos. See the humor even when you are having one of those days when everything seems to be going wrong. Imagine yourself telling the stories of what happened to your friends.

Eat your favorite food. Food is fuel, joy and love. Why do you think guests all seem to congregate in the kitchen? I can make it through a bad day if I know a good meal is in my future. There is also something soothing about cooking. You don’t have to be good at it or make something fancy, just have fun putting something yummy together. Sharing good food with friends is even better.

Retreat. Do you ever feel like life can be a battle? Sometimes we can benefit from a few minutes alone doing nothing except reflecting and being quiet. Let your mind go blank and regroup.

Move. Running has been my escape for years, but if running is not your thing then any movement will do to work out the kinks and soothe your mind.

Sink under the covers. I’m hyperactive, so I don’t lie down often, but after a Mohs surgery I was told to take it easy for a few days. I forgot how fun it is to slip under the blankets and watch television or read.  

Do your favorite thing. Do whatever activity you love to do. It can raise your mood when you can look forward to something fun.

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Managing Menopause

I am so glad that we are finally having conversations about menopause. I don’t know about you, but I was not prepared for this stage of my life. Neither my mother nor my older sister ever mentioned it. Why is it treated like something dirty? It’s not as if women have a choice to have menopause or not.

My experience with menopause started out strangely. When I was 53, my doctor recommended that I stay on birth control pills until I was 60. I’m not sure how he picked at that age, but I trusted him. When I was 58, I started having migraines every time I had a period. I went to my doctor and told him I thought my body was letting me know that it was done with periods. He agreed I should stop, and he told me I should be prepared for menopause.

I asked him what I should expect. He said, “You are going to think the whole world is against you, they probably are not. You may experience mood changes, hot flashes, and night sweats.” Let me tell you what I actually experienced and what I did to handle it in the hope that you can use those strategies too.

First, I asked my family to tell me if I had mood swings, and believe me, they would. I remained even tempered and I believe it was because I am an avid runner. Running has always controlled my stress and my moods.

The hot flashes hit hard though! Although I didn’t always know when one was coming, one always seemed to hit at 8am right before my first class started. I had to dress in layers, and I carried a small fan to help me with the bad ones. The night sweats were pretty bad too. I washed the sheets a lot more than normal. Both the hot flashes and night sweats eventually stopped.

What the doctor neglected to mention was the weight gain and the shifting of body mass. I eat a balanced diet and exercise, but I still gained 5 pounds and watched myself become thicker and develop a menopause belly. I have tried so many things to lose weight and the belly, but nothing seems to work. I have finally decided to wear clothes that hide the belly and stop worrying about the five pounds.

The frustrating aspect about entering menopause is many doctors are not trained to answer your questions. It’s as if this topic isn’t important, but women suffer all sorts of symptoms. Do your research and keep asking questions.  

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What I Know So Far

What I Know So Far

Living for six decades teaches you about life, people, and perspectives. Not all the lessons are fun, but those are often the situations that teach us the most. Here are a few things I have learned so far.

You can accomplish almost anything with hard work and determination. I took karate for six years. It was in a full contact dojo which was often terrifying and sometimes painful. I believed I was going to fail before I started. I often let frustration overwhelm me, but gradually I learned that if I practiced something enough and asked questions, my body would take over with muscle memory. It was empowering to know I could do almost anything if I had the right attitude and the determination to do it.

Your attitude is your superpower or your kryptonite. You have the power to choose how you react to something. Your actions and reactions have energy. When you send out that energy you can influence things. You can also be a positive example to others. Negativity, on the other hand, can suck the life out of you. When negativity sneaks into your thoughts, change those thoughts into positive ones.

There are places you shouldn’t go. It doesn’t matter what your beliefs about spirituality are, if there is enough evidence that a place is evil, you should stay away. There is a lake near us called Lake Lanier that was formed by flooding a town. I could understand a few water related deaths, but the death toll for Lake Lanier is not only high, but it comes with odd circumstances. The most recent death that I know of was a man who took his kayak out on the lake. He was training for a triathlon. They found his kayak and then recovered his body several days later. They did an interview with a police officer who told the story of a woman they rescued after she fell off a boat. She said it felt like she was swimming through molasses, and she was a lifeguard.

There was a show talking about evil places and they mentioned a forest in Japan where people talk about feeling incredibly sad when they were in there. There is a high suicide rate there.

Ten people could have 10 different perceptions about the same situation. I was at a faculty meeting where the school head proposed a significant change in procedure. When we left several faculty members came to me to tell me their opinion. The first was excited about the change, the second was confused and asked for clarification, the third was angry and couldn’t understand how the head could propose this. Others came in through the day all with different perceptions of the same topic. Don’t expect everyone to jump on board with an idea because everyone is coming from different mindsets.   

Slower is better. I spent the first 25 years of my career running around in a frenzy. I was stressed out, doing too much, saying no too little, and no one was getting the best of me. I wish I could tell you that I no longer do that, but I am wired to move and do. I am trying to slow down though because I know the benefits. Going slower helps you both physically and mentally. It helps you be more present for the people you love, and you can take more time to rest and recharge. If you are moving too fast you miss a lot of the important things in life.

We need more kindness. Everyone is dealing with a burden or two and sometimes they are heavier than usual. A smile, a kind word, a compliment, or a kind act could lift someone up when she needs it the most.

Staying calm can change the situation. People are good at stirring the emotional pot, but you can choose to guard your peace and stay calm. When someone becomes angry, don’t escalate the situation by meeting that emotion. Continue to speak calmly or end the conversation and tell that person you can talk again when he has calmed down. It takes at least two people to have drama so refuse to be part of the group.

My husband and I have very different political views and for some reason he becomes angry every time I bring a topic up to discuss. When I remain calm, I watch him dial down the emotions gradually until he realizes I want a discussion, and I am not trying to attack his opinion.

Comparisons don’t make sense. The next time you compare yourself with someone, ask yourself if you are ready to also take on the mess you don’t see. Everyone has a messy corner, some are only better at hiding it. Fame and money do not guarantee happiness, so be thankful for the blessings you have as well as the burdens you don’t.

Worry is wasted energy. Worry is another word for stress. What if what you worrying about never happens? Stress doesn’t do anyone any good, so manifest some positive outcomes instead.

Be transparent about who you are. Trying to be someone other than yourself is exhausting and people are going to judge you no matter what you do, so do your thing. Being transparent makes the people around you more comfortable too.

You should follow your passion. When I started writing full-time my family did not provide much support. I don’t think they realized how important it was to me. I knew it was something I wanted to do, so I carry on without their interest.

Travel if you can. I know not everyone has enough money in the budget to travel, but if you do I hope you will go to as many places as possible. Travel opens you up to new experiences and perceptions. It is a great learning experience.

Create your space and draw boundaries. Even your family members can treat you as smaller than you are, and it often only takes you describing your boundaries to straighten out the situation. I applied for a business license and was doing a few other things to treat my writing as a business when my husband said this to me. (Imagine the sneer and condescending tone.)

“You’re doing all these things and calling this a business, but you aren’t making a profit.”

I have learned when I am angry enough that I want to inflict physical harm, the best thing for me to do is take some time to think it through and collect my thoughts, so at the time all I said was, “I’m only trying to do what I’m supposed to do to legally sell my books.”

The next day, I entered the kitchen and said, “I need to tell you how what you said last night made me feel. I have already written and published six books with two more at the publisher. I haven’t figured out how to market them yet, but I need you to give me a chance and stop saying shit like you did last night.”

He apologized and has been much more supportive. People will treat you the way you let them, so stand up for what you want.

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My Evolution with Running and Age

Running has always been like my best friend. Anytime life threw me curveballs, I would head out for a run and feel the stress melt away with the miles. It has saved me both physically and mentally for over forty years. I knew as I aged my relationship with running would probably have to change, but I thought those changes would all be physical. I had no idea how my mind shifts in regard to running would change.

When I was younger, running was preparing for races, so I ran hills, did long runs and raced every Saturday so I could count that as my speed work. Racing for me was about how fast I could run and doing my best to place on the podium. If there was someone in my age group ahead of me, I would do anything to beat her. A year ago, I felt a shift both mentally and physically.

 I saw my 5k times drop, but I was surprised that being slower didn’t bother me. I realized that somewhere in my quest for medals, I lost my love of racing. When I used to race for speed, I was hyper focused on arriving at the finish line as soon as possible. Now that I am running slower, I can make connections during the race. At a recent race I was running near a man for the first half mile. When we reached the first bridge, he started to walk. I said, “C’mon, run with me.” He started to run and told me his goal was to run to the first bridge. I told him he needed a new goal. We ran the rest of the race together at an easy pace. When we crossed the finish, he said, “I have never run that far! Thank you for pushing me!” Even though I’m not an elite runner, I can still be an encourager, and that has become more important to me than who I can beat.

Physically, running distance has become more difficult, so I adjusted my training by mixing running and walking with quality strength training. Tough races drain my energy more than they used to, so rest is an essential component. While I used to prefer short, fast 5k races, I now am in love with ultra-marathons because endurance is more important than speed.

I thought the physical changes that come with age would discourage me, but I have rediscovered my love for running. All I have to do is train in a way that works for my body. As long as I show up at the start and eventually cross the finish line, I can count my run as a win.

As a younger runner, I compared myself to runners and beat myself up if I felt I should be faster or stronger. My attitude has changed with age and when I race, I am only competing with myself as I try to do the best I can. I am happy and supportive of the runners who do great things instead of beating myself up because I feel like those feats are out of reach.

Each run brings me joy now. I am more grateful for each moment, each new connection with one of the best communities there is. I am joying being creative with my training, and I continue to be inspired by the other runners and their stories. I know my running will continue to evolve, but one thing that will always remain the same is running’s ability to save me.

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Everyone is Watching

Do you often feel invisible, thinking that no one really notices what you say or do? What if I told you that you are wrong, that everyone is watching and you have the power to influence others and potentially make a huge difference?

When I was a teacher mentor, I told the new teachers they needed to realize their students were always watching them and listening to what they said. Unfortunately, what they heard was rarely the material being taught. They were listening to your opinions, your values, and your attitude.

The same is true of the people you interact with every day. The way you react to situations could have a domino effect. Let’s say life throws you a curve ball and instead of allowing the challenge to crush you, you rise up to meet it calmly and bravely and figure out a way to break through whatever the issue is. You might not realize it, but you can save someone else who is also struggling by the way you react. Someone might say, “Well look at the way she handled it. She refuses to let it stop her. She is going to keep moving forward. I can do it if she can.” You can be an inspiration for others. It also helps you to stay strong when you realize you can help others with your actions.

Have you ever done an act of kindness and watched the ripple effect when others follow your example? Do something simple like holding a door for someone or saying thank you and watch what happens. It’s almost as if people need to be reminded sometimes. Show them how a good human should act.

Your attitude can change people. Do you see life as a burden or blessing? Are you positive or negative? I know the power of positivity and instead of convincing others that it works, I show them. My best friend and family are still amazed when I speak something into existence. We have gone to restaurants numerous times when the parking lot and the lobby have been packed. I say, “We are going to get right in and be seated.” We walk in and every time they somehow have a table for us. I love hearing someone say, “How did that happen?” The best part is they now all do it too.

Your words are powerful, and you never know when they are exactly what someone needs to hear at an important moment. Have you ever had that happen when you needed some advice or inspiration and suddenly it’s right in front of you? Your words can be what someone needs, and you might be surprised to know someone is listening to you in particular because your thoughts speak to that person.

Who is watching and listening to you? Be the best person you can be, and you will end up helping others as well as yourself.

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Why My Husband’s Driving Terrifies Me

I am blessed to be married to an amazing man. My one complaint is that his driving terrifies me. Let me give you some detailed description about what I mean.

The need to observe his surroundings. When I drive, I am hyper focused to what is happening in front, behind, and to the side of me, but I am watching the other drivers because there are some other crazy drivers out there like my husband.

My husband is unfocused. He looks to the right or left and can be distracted by anything. When I wish he was paying attention to the road, he is looking at the new construction and wondering what it will be. We have run over curbs and veered towards the bushes because of his curiosity.

He feels the need for eye contact. He is a wonderful storyteller, but even while driving, he feels the need to make eye contact with me. No matter how many times I ask him to please look at the road, he still turns to me and continues the story.  

He misses important signals. My husband becomes so lost in thought that he sometimes doesn’t notice a light is red, or he slows down when it’s green. He moves through stop signs without even a pause, and he has cut more than one person off without meaning to.

Parking is an issue. My husband can’t just pull into a parking lot and park. He needs to find the perfect parking spot. He will drive around, start to pull in, decide that it’s not a good one, and continue this several times. It is maddening.

He plays chicken while turning. He will turn in when a car is coming, but he slows down as if he wants to scare the other driver, but the only one it scares is me!

He looks at his phone/watch. I am already a nervous wreck on the highway but it’s worse when I see my husband looking at his phone or watch.

He waits too long to get gas. He will tell me not to worry when the gas light comes on. He has had to walk to a gas station more than once.

Whiplash acceleration. Even though he has had his car for two years, he cannot seem to get a feel for the accelerator, and I often think I will suffer whiplash.

I am grateful for my husband and everything he does for me, but please pray for me and my time in the car with him!

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Staying Alive After 55

Everyone handles the aging process differently, but I hear most people begin to complain about aging around the age of fifty. It’s true that as we age, we have to pay more attention to our health and appearance, but it is all manageable if we follow a few rules.

Keep moving

The expression “move it or lose it” is true. Movement keeps your body healthy by reducing stress and blood pressure, and it keeps you from sitting on the couch too long. If you take classes, join a gym, or go to races, it can also provide a chance to meet more people.

Sleep

At one of my doctor’s visits, he asked me how well I slept. I told him my sleep was fragmented because my husband snored. He said that sleep quality influences our health in every way.

Everyone has different ways of sleeping well. I like leaving the shade open to let in the moonlight, and my husband wants it pitch black. Find the conditions that work for you and start to wind down about an hour before bed. Once you are in bed make an effort to let your mind go blank. Don’t start thinking about how you are going to solve the drama du jour at the office.

Clean eating

This is harder than it should be because there are so many additives in our food. Start reading food labels. The first ingredient on the list is the highest content. Eat Fresh food as much as possible. I started a garden, so my family would be able to have fresh produce.

Stretch

When I strained my knee, one of the first things the physical therapist told me was I had to start stretching. Staying flexible and loose as you age can make a big difference.

Community

Don’t isolate yourself because we need each other. Find communities that have similar interests with you. I started running races and now the majority of my friends are runners. It helps to know you are part of a group.

Try something new

Doing new things will stimulate and strengthen your brain. You could learn to play a musical instrument or a new language or craft.

Interests

Explore something new that will make you come out of the house. Do you like to cook, hike, bike, swim, craft? Have a variety of interests you can enjoy.

Manage stress

Stress is a killer. It is also a waste of time because half the time that you are worried about something, it doesn’t happen. Practice deep breath for calming, do things you love that relax you, and break things down into smaller tasks.

Manage your health

Go to your regular check-ups. I hate going to the dentist, but I go because I know how important it is.

Guard your energy and peace

Don’t let other people’s drama get in your way. Let people own their problems. You can empathize, but you don’t have to solve them. Stay calm. Step away from a situation when you feel your emotions taking over.

Aging is not always easy but it is better when you have a sense of humor and you do your best to be as strong as you can.

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Making an Ultra Easier

I know using easy and ultra in the same sentence might seem strange, but I hope you will trust me when I say there are some things you can do to make mileage beyond 26.2 manageable. Here are a few ideas to try.

Make a goal. I met a fascinating man named Truman at my last ultra. Truman has done an ultra in each state and on each continent. He then decided to conquer the ultras, and he has done a number of 100 milers. He told me, “If you are going to do 100 miles, you have to go into the race knowing there will be a lot of discomfort. You have to be strong enough mentally.

Your goal doesn’t have to be 100 miles. It could be anything, but it helps to go in with expectations of what you would like to do. I have a friend who decides how many miles she wants to do and then she figures out how many miles she has to cover and by when. She always enters the race with a plan.

Being prepared with some expectations can help but also be flexible about changing the goal to fit changing circumstances. You never know what might happen, so be prepared to pivot.

Try everything out before race day.

Don’t wear new clothing or new shoes on race day. Wear clothing and shoes you know will be comfortable.

Go out on practice runs and try electrolytes you will use during the race. Experiment with food. What can you eat that won’t upset your stomach while exercising?

Bring several pairs of shoes

At some point, your feet will become sore, and you might feel blisters forming. Stop and rub your feet with Vaseline, change your socks and shoes and you will be amazed how good your feet feel.

The cooler is a game-changer

Fill your cooler with your drinks and then ice, then add some of these suggestions that will help you in your race.

  • Put several cooling towels in a plastic bag and put it in the cooler. This will keep it cool, but the ice won’t stick to it.
  • Buy a water spritzer or facial spray and keep it in the cooler.
  • Put the sunscreen in the cooler.
  • Bring plastic bags so you can put ice in them and put them under your hat.
  • Keep sponges in the cooler to cool off.

The power of peppermint oil

If you have a headache on race day, you can skip the Tylenol by dabbing some peppermint oil on your temples. Put a small amount near your nose to clear congestion.

Fueling

An easy approach to fueling is to ingest calories every hour. Drink electrolytes as well as water and other fluids.

Be prepared for anything

I went to one ultra where the forecast was mostly cloudy, but a mile into the run, the skies opened up and the thunder and lightening began. I now bring a rain shell no matter what the weather report says.

At another race, it was pouring. I was prepared for that, but I was not prepared for the six wasp stings I had after stepping on the mud wasp’s nest. I always have cortisone cream now.

Ask yourself, “What could possibly happen?” then prepare for that.

Care for your feet

If you feel any discomfort with your feet, take care of it before it becomes an issue. Experiment with finding shoes that can go the distance. Consider reading a great book called Fixing Your Feet. There are some great suggestions.

A few more things

Spread Vaseline anywhere you might chafe.

Update your sunscreen application regularly.    

Wipes and tissues are always a good idea.

Sports tape can support an ache.

Doing an ultra is a balancing act. You have to pay attention to how you feel, and push hard enough, but not too hard, but the end result is glorious!

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Different Faith Journey, Same Idea

I was vending my books at a local market last weekend when I was asked twice about my faith. The questions were very different, and they made me reflect on the many different faith journeys we take and how our descriptions of those journeys vary.

The first question came from a lady who was vending pottery next to me and was reading one of my books. She said, “Are you a believer?” I said, “Yes, I am.” I smiled because that would have been the way someone asked you about your faith in the north where I grew up. Faith in the north always seemed simpler to me than faith in the south. Where I lived, you either believed in God or you didn’t. The important thing was your belief and your relationship with the holy trinity.

In French, asking if you are a believer translates to do you practice your faith? Isn’t that the important point? Do you live a Christ-centered life, being the best human you can be?

When we moved to the south, I was introduced to the idea of being Christian. I also learned that certain faiths were not considered Christian. Since I grew up Catholic, I had already experienced a faith where some were excluded, and I never understood why everyone wasn’t welcomed to the table. Imagine my surprise when I found out that many Christians didn’t consider Catholics Christians. No matter what you call your faith why should someone not be encouraged to worship God? Didn’t Jesus accept everyone?

The second question came from a group of women who were preaching the Bible. One lady said rather aggressively, “Are you Christian?” She then started quizzing me on Bible verses and telling me why I was saved. I appreciate her passion, but the way she interacted with me definitely did not make me go to the bible study she was proposing. I have been attending a Methodist church, and it made me think of what our pastor used to say during baptisms. “Faith is often caught not taught.” So many times, you find your own road to faith.    

How do you describe your journey in faith?