How good of a listener are you? Do you focus on the person who is speaking to you or do you multitask while speaking, trying to carry on a conversation while still getting other things done? Do you sometimes turn off and tune out when a family member is talking to you about something that isn’t really interesting to you?

Those things and more contribute to what kind of listening skills or ear q you have. Listening is a skill that most of us do not do well yet the benefits that being a good listener can provide are endless. Most of the time someone is not listening for understanding, they are waiting for a chance to talk about themselves. Stephen Covey says “Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” We could all communicate so much better if our listening skills were stronger. Here are some ways to refine your listening skills.

Focus completely

When someone is speaking to you, stop doing e-mail, texting, or thinking about the next thing that you want to do. Focus completely on the person in front of you. When you give someone your complete attention you are validating the importance of that person to you. In turn, you will earn the reputation of someone who really cares about both people and issues. When you seem distracted when someone is speaking to you, it can cause them to shut down instead of opening up and sharing information that could be beneficial for you to know. Listening fully demonstrates that you respect others. It is the first step in building trust and rapport.

Don’t Make It About You

Being heard is not more important than hearing. Seek understanding before seeking to be understood. Many times instead of really listening, we are waiting for a chance to interrupt to make our point or add our story. What if we listened to understand to find shared values and to hear inspiration?

Knowledge and wisdom are not gained by talking but by listening. Listening is not about you so don’t worry about what you are going to say and focus on what’s being said.

Repeat and paraphrase

Repeat what someone says to you and summarize what you have heard. This shows you are listening for understanding and repeating back what you have heard encourages the speaker to continue to expound on the topic which will give you a greater context about what the speaker is trying to communicate.

Watch for Non-verbal clues

Listening is more than just hearing words; it is also about being aware of body language and non-verbal communication. What is the person saying with the facial expressions or body language that is not coming through in words?

Ask questions

Ask questions about what you are hearing. Not only does this show that you are fully engaged in the conversation but also you will learn more about the topic being discussed and you will make the person feel valued because you care about what he or she is saying.

 expressions or body language that is not coming through in words?

Patience

Don’t interrupt or jump to answer. Listen to what is being said and be patient while the speaker communicates a message.

Don’t try to solve a problem

If someone has come for advice, realize that sometimes someone just wants empathy and understanding. You can help someone reach a solution on his or her own just by asking questions and letting them answer and work through the problem themselves. Sometimes all someone needs to do is voice the problem and get it off his or her chest. Do not interrupt them or try to one-up the person in the problem area. “Phew, you think you’ve got it bad. Listen to what happened to me.” Let the person explain fully and let it be completely that person explaining and you trying to hear the explanation.

Learn through listening

If you are speaking, you are not learning. We sometimes feel that we need to add something to a conversation just to be heard and let people know that we are an active participant. We could be so much more valuable if we listened more than we spoke. During your next conversation or meeting, stay silent and observe while others do the talking. After you think you have understood all aspects of the dialogue, then you can comment. Experiment to see if it makes a difference.

Assess through stories

Listening to the stories that people reveal is an easy way to get to know people. It’s a great way to find out more about a potential job candidate. People reveal character and values as they share stories; all you have to do is listen.

Listen for need

Everyone needs to be listened to at some point. Even rock stars need encouragement and a chance to share. People will show you their needs with body language or a sigh. When someone looks like they are carrying the weight of the world ask them about it. Be that person who lifts people up because there may be a time when you need the same support.

Be available

Don’t be too busy to listen to someone. It may be a lost opportunity that you will never have again. Your 14 year old might need to share something that is crucial even if only in her life. Stay open to those conversations and the possibilities for relationships that are all around you every day. Make eye contact, say hello, ask questions and then see where the conversation leads. As human beings we need connections and listening is a great way to connect.

Listening is a skill that most of us do not do very well. It is also a valuable learning tool as well as an excellent way to build connections and communication. It is a way to validate someone and a great interviewing method.

Listening is a skill that we can practice and hone and the benefits impact both us and those around us. Experiment with listening completely without interrupting, without making it about you, and see what you can learn.

Time and how we spend it has a powerful effect on our lives. On the Positive Psychology website, this quote resonated with me. “It appears that the problem in relation to time crunch lies not in the amount of time available, not in having to manage it successfully in order to squeeze out an hour a day, but in learning how to balance time in such a way that it contributes to our well-being.” The issue is not how much time we have or how many things we need to do in a day, it’s how we choose to balance time and what we do. We often feel powerless before time and it feels as if there is never enough of it to accomplish everything we want to do, but we have choices every day about how we balance our time.

I didn’t realize how out of balance my use of time had been until I retired after forty years of teaching. Like many teachers, I allowed teaching to consume my time at the expense of my family. Since my retirement, I realize how much my family needs my time. My youngest is in college and she wants advice about life, and I am blessed that she wants to spend time with me to talk and laugh. My husband comes up between meetings and calls to talk about what happened. I have a new grandson who I take care of two days a week, but most days my oldest wants to talk to me instead of working. If this use of my time wasn’t enough, for some reason we thought we had enough time for a puppy.

I have prioritized how I want to spend my time by reflecting on what gives me the most joy. I balance that with responsibilities that I have to accomplish. My use of time doesn’t have to look the same for you because you might have different priorities and we can always find more time for the things and people we love. I always had the power to balance my time, but I didn’t know how. Here are a few strategies that I hope will help you.

Make a to-do list

A list helps to keep you focused on what you need to do and there is something satisfying about crossing off items as you finish them.

Schedule your day

What do you need to do when? I had a colleague who scheduled every minute of the day. I know I could not be that regimented, but I think it’s a good idea to have a plan for how the day will go.

Be prepared

Prepare the night before for the next day so you will save time on decisions and finding items. If you bring your lunch, prepare it the night before. Plan your outfit and have it out and ready. Put anything that will be going with you near the door so you will not forget it.

Organize

Know where everything is so you can save time instead of searching for things. Hang jackets and keys near the door.

Delegate tasks

Are there tasks that other family members can do? Don’t feel you need to do everything.

Make easy meals

You don’t have to be a gourmet cook to have good meals. Use the crockpot or have easy-to-make ingredients.

It’s also important when you are planning your time that you schedule some time for yourself. Doing nothing occasionally can be time well spent.

I think most people are creatives in some way. Everyone creates something whether it is writing, music, cooking, crafting, art, or other creative ventures. Creating in whatever form is a way to improve our mental health and to express ourselves. Creators need creative space to do their work, and each person might need something slightly different in the space. Answer the following questions to help you design your spot.

How much space do you need? Where can you find the space?

What resources and items do you need in your space to create?

What will help to inspire you in your space?

Do you create best at a certain time of the day?

I have been a writer for many years, and my creative space helps me to express myself. Let me tell you about my favorite place.

I write in the back of the house where we have a huge sunroom. There are large windows looking out in the backyard. There are two comfortable couches. One is for naps when I have become too tired to create, and the other is for my cats and dog to keep me company. I have a diffuser that diffuses an essential oil that smells amazing, and on rainy days, I have candles to light to add to the ambiance. I have two spots where I write within this space. My husband built me a beautiful podium where I sometimes write, but most of the time I am at my desk surrounded by my favorite photos, notes, and quotes. I love journals so I often write in them first, but I also have a large whiteboard where I often brainstorm ideas. There is something about this space that helps me write. It is my happy spot.

Make your creative space a spot where you love to go and lose yourself in the creating.

In his article, The Urgent Need for Acts of Loving Kindness, Rich Harwood says, “We are failing to see and hear one another. We have forgotten the intrinsic value of one another. Human dignity becomes victim. Today we urgently need more individual acts of loving-kindness.”

Being kind to each other creates relationships and bonds that we need to understand each other. When we feel supported, seen, and valued, we feel more comfortable around each other. Gray Robinson, an attorney and relationship expert says, “When people are kind, life is less threatening, and relationships are fostered. Kindness is the courage to be gentle when threatened.”

Being kind can be good for our health. Andy Thornton, a cognitive behavioral hypnotherapist says, “When we practice kindness either to other people or towards ourselves, we can experience positive mental and physical changes through lowering stress levels and increasing the body’s production of feel-good hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin. Being kind helps boost the immune system, reduce blood pressure, and reduce stress and anxiety.”

Kindness is a gift even though you don’t expect anything in return, it makes you feel good to do something nice for someone. One year around Christmas, one of my colleagues told me that she wouldn’t be able to buy presents for her boys and that she was struggling in general because her husband had lost his job. Another friend and I decided to fill her work area with toys for her boys, and at the time, our Christmas bonus came in the form of a gift card, so we both gave her our cards so that she would have extra money to cover expenses. Her face, when she found out what we did, was priceless, and Donna and I had so much fun doing it. We looked at each other later and said, “Who else can we do this for?!”

Kindness that you give out comes back to you. My husband listened to me today as I made appointments for the dermatologist for him and my daughter. The woman who was helping me was on the struggle bus and nothing was working for her, so it was taking forever to process new patient information. Not only did I cheerfully continue to repeat what I had just said, but I told her several times that I appreciated her efforts. Have you ever noticed how surprised someone seems when you compliment them? That tells me it doesn’t happen very often. Don’t be that person who takes out your frustration on someone who is doing the best to perform a task. At the end of the call, she gave my daughter an emergency spot for the next day because she is suffering from severe eczema. My husband told me that people are extra-kind to me. I believe that the actions you put out come back to you, so if someone is kind to me, it’s because I am trying to treat them well.

Kindness in the workplace makes people feel supported and when workplace morale is up, so is productivity.

Children need kindness for healthy development. Dr. John DeGarmo says, “Whether we are paying a compliment of some kind, telling a child how important and how loved he is, lifting him up in praise, or other words of kindness, these are the words children crave and need to hear, throughout each day. Kindness and kind words can change the direction and life of a child.”

Kindness does not have to be a huge action. A small thing like a smile, opening a door for someone, helping to carry something, an encouraging word, or buying a coffee are all ways to be kind. One person can start a domino effect because kindness is contagious. One person can make a difference. The Dalai Lama said, “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”

Giving Grace

Giving grace to me being understanding when someone falls short of expectations, being kind, and being patient. I have said often during the last few years that this is a time when we need to give grace as often as we can.

When we went into lockdown in 2019, I was teaching high school French. None of us were prepared for virtual school. I remember taking Pepto Bismal before my first class because I was sure none of my technology would work, and I would let my students down. The first thing I said to my students was “How are you?” Many of them were scared, so I made sure I asked that question often throughout the year. The second thing I said was, “I am going to give you a lot of grace while we figure this out, and I hope you can do the same for me.” We didn’t only survive that semester, we thrived, and the way we did it was with communication, (we made group chats with classes and the women faculty did one as well to support each other) and connection, (I gave my students my cell phone in case they had questions or had connection issues), and most of all we thrived because we gave grace by supporting each other and laughing at small failures. (I shut down the class instead of just the PowerPoint one time. A student texted me, “Madame, are you coming back?”)

Nothing seems normal right now, so try to extend grace and kindness anytime you can. Wherever you go there are signs saying a business is hiring, and there are signs saying to be kind to the people who showed up. Do what you can to show your appreciation.

The need for grace goes beyond the food industry. I love reading the paper, especially on Sunday. One of our papers has been coming late every day and it has not been delivered for two Sundays. I keep telling my husband that I think it’s a staffing issue and I’m giving grace. I was running in the neighborhood when a woman pulled up to give me the paper. She looked like she was waiting for me to give her an earful when she said, “I’m sorry, your paper is late.” I said, “It’s o.k. but do you know why we didn’t receive either paper on Sunday?” I added that I was not angry and that this was a time for giving grace. She was on the phone with her boss and I wish you could have seen her body language. She sighed in relief and repeated my words to her boss. They were having trouble finding delivery drivers. Imagine how many complaints they heard from people who didn’t care why, they just wanted the paper.

I think we can do better, especially in the stressful circumstances we have been in during the last few years. I hope you reach out and give some grace today, and that someone does the same for you.  

Travel writer Clemens Sehi says, “When traveling, there is one thing that one realizes quite fast: a smile can change everything. It can open doors and the hearts of other people whose culture you do not even know. A smile is the most international language that everyone knows.

Smiling creates a connection between people. We are naturally drawn to people who smile because we assume that the smiler has positive personality traits. It also sends a message that you are open to conversation. A smile can make you seem more likable and approachable. The Solara Mental Health site says that when someone smiles at us the part of our brain that controls feelings of reward is activated.

Smiling also benefits our health. In the article, Surprising Health Benefits of Smiling, Earlexia Norwood, M.D. says smiling gives us a mood boost and helps our bodies release Cortisol and endorphins that help our health in the following ways.

Reduced blood pressure

Increased endurance

Reduced pain

Reduced stress

Strengthened immune system

In his article, The Top Ten Reasons to Smile Every Day, Mark Stibich, Ph.D. says that a study in 2010 found that smiling is associated with longer life. He also says that smiling can make you more attractive since the muscles we use to smile lift the face making a person look younger. Smiling also suggests success because it makes you seem confident.

You can help others when you smile because it has been proven that smiling is contagious. You can lift the mood of those around you with a simple smile. We all have those days when we are struggling. You have the power to turn someone’s day around and improve your health at the same time.

Here are some ideas to make someone else smile.

Send a note to someone thanking them or telling them why you think he or she is special.

Give a compliment

Do at least one act of kindness each day.

Offer food

Maya Angelou said, “If you have one smile left in you, give it to the people you love.”   

Have you ever tried to be something you are not because you think people won’t like the real you? Are you afraid someone might find out that your family has some crazy in it? Do you compare yourself to others and try to mold yourself to fit that vision?

There are some reasons why it is a much better idea to be your authentic self. Being authentic means saying no to things that don’t serve any real purpose. It’s not saying yes to impress. It’s sticking to your values even if someone is trying to convince you otherwise. It’s having the courage to be transparent and honest, and to be who you really are without wearing a mask.

In the article, Authenticity, How to be True to Yourself, on www.mindtools.com, the Mind Tools team discusses how hard it is to not be authentic. “Living and working this way is tiring, dispiriting, and confining. It can also hold us back from reaching our true potential. The opposite of this is to live and work authentically. When we give ourselves permission to be ourselves, we can live free from others’ ideas and expectations, and we can choose our own course in life.”

When you are authentic you will earn the trust and respect of others by standing by your beliefs and values and not doing something only to fit in with the crowd. You can achieve your potential because you will act without being fearful of what others think. Being authentic relieves the stress of trying to be something you are not. You will have better relationships because the people you interact with will know the real you.

Rebecca from www.minimalismmadesimple.com states being authentic makes everything simpler. You will experience personal growth because no growth can happen when you only copy what others do.

Joshua Becker, author, speaker, and editor of Becoming Minimalist, wrote an article called The Compliment I Most Want Said at My Funeral. In the article, he says he hopes people say he was the same person in both public and private. He wants to be authentic, live an exemplary life, and be the best, he can be. This article resonated with me because I know several people who lead very different lives depending on whether they are in public or at home and it can have devastating effects on family members, especially when others believe the public persona, and do not believe family members who reveal the private person.     

You can also help others by being authentic. I had some family junk that I was always worried my colleagues at the Christian school where I worked would find out about and judge me. One day I had the clarity to realize I loved my family even if they did some outrageous things. In the workroom at school, I shared my feelings and the junk and said I was tired of not being authentic. I was surprised that all four women around me started sharing similar stories and seemed relieved to release their own junk.

We all deserve to be our unique person. It is exhausting to try to fit a persona that isn’t you, or to try to follow the latest trend. Celebrate the amazing person you are and realize that people will judge you no matter what, but that is their issue, not yours.

I hear comments all the time of someone who is feeling defeated and has decided to throw in the towel and give up. Either someone or life has convinced him that he cannot succeed or should stop trying to do something. I would encourage you to find resilience and not to give up, and here is why.

The Everyday Health website says resilience is the ability to withstand adversity and bounce back from difficult life events. It is important because it gives people the strength needed to process and overcome hardship. Those lacking resilience get easily overwhelmed and may turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, resilient people tap into their strengths and support systems to overcome challenges and work through problems.

Dr. Ken Ginsberg developed the 7 Cs of resilience which are learning competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping, and control. Learning competence is finding your resources to learn what you need to know to accomplish your goals. Confidence is believing you can and having a positive attitude about challenges, a connection is building a support group who can be your cheerleaders, character is the ability to be tough enough to not give up, and to rise up again no matter how many times you fall, a contribution is being involved in your community and being an inspiration for someone else, coping is finding positive, healthy ways to deal with the challenges, and control is the fact that you have the power to run your life.

Dr. Carine Nzodom gives these suggestions on building resilience.

Allow yourself to feel a wide range of emotions.

Identify your support system and let them be there for you.

Verywell Mind author Kendra Cherry says,

Find a sense of purpose in your life that will boost you up on difficult days.

Build positive beliefs in your ability.

Be optimistic

Establish reasonable goals

Kira M. Newman at the University of California says to face your fears and challenge yourself. Cultivate forgiveness by letting go of grudges and letting yourself off the hook.

In my own life resilience has come in not always listening to limiting voices. Running is a passion for me and my coping mechanism. About six years ago I strained my knee very badly because I refused to listen to messages my body was sending me, and one day, a shooting pain ripped through my knee, and I could barely walk. I went to a wonderful orthopedist who unfortunately thought running was harmful and runners were stupid. (He told me this within the first five minutes of meeting him) I had to have four weeks of physical therapy, and at my last appointment, he told me my running days, at least distance running days were over. I was very nervous about running for about a month, but it is something that gives me so much joy, I knew I had to keep doing it. Not only did I continue to run, but I also started to run more distance, and now my favorite race is the ultra-marathon (anything longer than 26.2 miles) I do all the exercises I was given in physical training and my knees feel great. What if I had let an opinion limit me?

Another example of resilience was more emotional. I had worked for a long time on a manuscript and had a potential publisher, but when I sent in the final draft, the manuscript was rejected, and the comments that came with the rejection were warranted, but they stung. I was devastated and my friend Kim said, “It is one voice, Jen. Don’t let it defeat you. Figure out how you are going to make it work.” Those were the words I needed to hear and after a lot of reworking of the manuscript, I resent it out and it was accepted for publication. If I had given up that would never have happened.

There are certain attitudes and actions that are resilience killers. Here are a few.

Excuses (You are too old, your joints hurt, too tired, you are afraid of judgment, it’s too hard…)

Fear

Negative attitude

A pity party

Woodrow Wilson said, “The difference between a strong man and a weak one is that the former does not give up after a defeat.”

Although it doesn’t always seem that way, you are in charge of your life and what you do with it. Why would you not want to live it fully, or give up on anything halfway through the journey?

I have a sign near my desk that says, “It’s only impossible until you do it.” Good luck changing your impossibles into possibles.

I have a friend who said that his family went to Disney once a year for vacation. He said it didn’t matter if they could afford it or not any given year because they were going to go regardless. At first, I thought that was a bad idea if you didn’t have enough money to spend, but then I realized why the vacation was so important. He was making memories with his family, and their time together as a family would be experiences and stories that they would talk about the rest of their lives. Those memories would be priceless. I decided to read more about the role that memories play in our lives, and here is what I found.

Memories are connections

Memories connect us with each other when we can share past events with each other and say, “Remember when?” It can create a unique connection between the people involved, a bond that only the people involved can share. It forms a link between generations and cultures where the older generation can share their experiences with the younger generation. It allows us to pass down important elements of culture so they will not be lost.

Memories are our identities

Your memories are unique to you, and they are a way to share with others important elements about what and who made you who you are. Where you grew up, where you went to school, what your friends were like, what experiences you had all work together to form you. When you share those memories, you share yourself with others.

Memories can ease grief

When someone we love dies, the memories we have of the person can ease the pain as we look back on all the special moments we were blessed to have. We can laugh and share good times we had with this person.  

Memories help us move forward

Memories help us to take what we have learned from both failure and success and improve from the past.

Make as many memories as you can because memories matter.

I cannot remember a time in my running career that I have not wanted to be faster than I am. I have always wondered what it must feel like to cross the finish line well before the rest of the pack, to be an elite runner. As it is though, I’m usually at mile two of a 5k when the winner is crossing the line. Unfortunately, I do not give up easily so my quest to be faster continues even with father time trying to hold me back. The truth though is I know exactly what I need to do to be faster, but doing the hard work required to do it is not always easy for me. I would like to share with you some of the wisdom I have learned about improving your running speed, and if you see me at a race, please ask me if I have followed my own advice!

Run fast

I know this sounds obvious, but we can train our bodies to do almost anything through repetition, so if we want to race fast, we have to practice running fast. I like to do a routine at the gym where I run the ramp that goes up to the track to warm up, and then I get on the treadmill and run the mile pace that I want to be able to run. I run at that pace for as long as I can then I take a minute break, run again, break, and I do that four times and then work up to running that pace for a mile. You can do it without a treadmill, but it works better for me.  

Run hills

In my opinion, this is one of the quickest ways to become faster. Find some good hills around you and run them until you are too tired to do it anymore. If you can be comfortable with hills, that can be the part of the race when you can leave a lot of runners behind you because hills defeat people mentally more than physically. Develop a mantra for the hills that you can say over and over as you climb. It can be as simple as, “This is only a hill. I am strong enough to do this.” If nothing else, it will distract you. Another trick is to say, “it’s only a hill c’mon run it with me!” to someone who is walking to motivate him. Once he starts running with you, you can’t stop running.

Run long

Have at least one long run a week. It will make you more confident about shorter races.

Build your core

Sometimes the basics are the best. Sit-ups, planks, and push-ups will make you a stronger, faster runner because your core will be stronger.

Run with someone faster than you

I need a rabbit to chase when I run so having friends who are faster than I am is a bonus in my opinion because it gives me someone to chase. In a race, try to continually make it up to the next person and once you pass that person, focus on the next one.

Stretch

Flexibility will help your speed and help to prevent injuries. I have found as I have gotten older, I cannot skip stretching. Keeping everything loose reduces the risk of pulling something.

Set goals

I work best when I have a plan so if I make some attainable goals, I am more likely to stick to doing the work to attain these goals.

Track work

Doing track work with sprints, and other high-intensity running will go a long way to improve your speed.