I’m Sorry

Elton John has a song called, Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word. I’m sorry are simple words that are sometimes difficult to say when you are asking for forgiveness because it often means you must admit you were wrong.

Elizabeth Scott Ph.D. writes in her article, Why It’s Important to Apologize, on Verywell Mind, “For some people, an apology often feels like an admission that they are inadequate—that, rather than having made a mistake, there is something inherently wrong with them.

Others believe that offering the first apology after an argument is an admission of guilt and responsibility for the entirety of a conflict that involved wrongs on the part of both parties; they think an apology from them will allow the other person to take no responsibility for their own part in the conflict. Sometimes an apology seems to call added attention to a mistake that may have gone unnoticed.

However, in the right circumstances, a well-delivered, appropriately sincere apology will generally avoid all of these issues, and will merely serve to usher in a resolution, reaffirm shared values, and restore positive feelings. You just have to know when and how to deliver your apology.”

   One of the many things I need to work on is not reacting to something before I have all the facts. I have had to say I’m sorry several times after finding out the reasons someone acted a certain way.

When we say I’m sorry, we take responsibility for our actions. It gives us a chance to rebuild trust and heal wounds.

Acknowledge the other person’s feelings when you apologize. “I know Your feelings were hurt.”

Verywell Mind’s article, How to Apologize Sincerely and Effectively, author Elizabeth Scott PhD. says,

“A sincere apology can also bring relief, particularly if you have guilt over your actions. An apology alone doesn’t erase the hurt or make it OK, but it does establish that you know your actions or words were wrong and that you will strive harder in the future to prevent it from happening again.

Not apologizing when you are wrong can be damaging to your personal and professional relationships. It can also lead to rumination, anger, resentment, and hostility that may only grow over time.”

Saying I’m sorry can be the healing balm to soothe a conflict in a way that also says, “I love you.”

Tired of Being Tired

Do you wake up in the morning and feel like you want to sleep for at least three more hours? Do you rely on caffeine to make it through the day, and never feel rested? If you answered yes, you are not alone. Medical News Today says that “Tired all the time.” Is a common complaint. There are many different reasons for fatigue, but Medical News Today says that it is often something that can be solved with some lifestyle changes.

The first step to resolving your fatigue is to visit your doctor. Ask for a blood test to see if you have a vitamin deficiency. Dana Raphael is a clinical nutritionist. She discusses the importance of B12. “B12 helps converts food to the energy your body needs. Eating a diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, meat, and fish will help you avoid a B12 vitamin deficiency.”

Allergies can also cause fatigue because your body sends out chemicals to deal with the allergies. Discuss your allergies with your doctor.

Food is our fuel so it makes sense that it would influence our energy. Web MD lists the following as foods that promote energy.

A whole-grain bagel with cheese

Cereal with fruit and yogurt

Whole grain toast with peanut butter and fruit

A hard-boiled egg sliced in a pita

Scrambled eggs with toast and fruit

Oatmeal with raisins

There are also foods that cause fatigue. A few of those are the following.

Sugary food

White food

Baked goods

Processed food

Healthline gives the following suggestions to beat fatigue.

Eat a balanced diet

Drink at least 6-8 glasses of water a day

Sleep well

Address allergies

Eat iron-rich foods

Eat smaller meals more often to keep your blood sugar stable.

Quit smoking

Learn to relax

Sit less and exercise more

Drink less caffeine

Drink less alcohol

Do a mental health check

Find what works for you and your lifestyle. Talk to your doctor and devise a plan to get your energy back.

I trained in martial arts for eight years until I could no longer put in the necessary time commitment. I learned so much during those eight years. I learned how hard I could push my body, I learned more about relationships, and I learned valuable things about protecting myself. Karate taught me as much about how to improve my character as it taught me to improve my techniques. Let me tell you some of the wisdom I learned.

A strong work ethic and persistence pay off.

Bruce Lee said, “I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times.” Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do, excellence then is not an act, but a habit.” Our teacher worked us hard to be strong physically, and he stressed to us that we had to put in the time. He wanted us to practice our techniques over and over so that everything we did would become muscle memory. He knew if we were in a situation where we had to protect ourselves, there would be no time to think. We would need to act from instinct.

What you think is impossible is often possible.

I used to watch the higher belts perform techniques that seemed beyond my ability. I would allow frustration to take over when I was trying to learn those techniques, but then I saw improvements to the point that I could master the technique. It changed my approach to everything in my life and now I have a growth mentality, and instead of saying I cannot do that, I say, I cannot do that yet.

Be aware of your surroundings.

One of the cardinal rules of martial arts is to be aware of who and what is around you. That means you do not have earbuds in with music blasting, and you are not walking head down immersed in your phone.

Do your best to avoid a confrontation.

Don’t look vulnerable. Choose your words wisely, and don’t engage with strangers in dangerous areas. Remove yourself from the situation if you can.

If you feel threatened, devise a plan quickly.

Time is important if you feel threatened. Use your voice to call for help or to keep someone away from you. If you can, alert someone with your phone

If someone grabs you, grab back.

Another of the golden rules. Grabbing someone back helps to stabilize your balance and it gives you a chance to throw the attacker off balance.

Don’t ever go to a second location.

Our teacher always told us that if we could avoid it, stay where we were because the second location would benefit the attacker, not us.

Your body is a weapon as well as what is around you.

If you take martial arts classes, you will learn how to use your hands, head, elbows, knees, and feet as weapons. We were also told to use what was around us as defensive weapons.

Control emotions and stay relaxed.

Take a deep breath and try to keep the emotions in control.

Return to basics. The basics in anything are your foundation. If your techniques are strong, you need to make sure your foundation is strong.

Be careful who you trust.

I learned a lot about the variety of personalities with whom we interact. I tend to be very trusting, but there are many people who want to take advantage of us.

I would recommend that everyone takes a basic defense class to protect themselves. It was so much more than that for me. It was life-changing.

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like you have been beaten up emotionally? You wish you could find a place to rest and tend to your mental state. I found myself feeling this way yesterday, and I thought about what it is like in martial arts when you cannot take any more punishment and you have the option to tap your opponent or the ground to signal you want to stop because you have had enough. Sometimes, we need to do the same thing in life for our mental health. We need to step back out of the daily interactions and reflect on them. We need some time to heal mentally.

Brian Hallam lists some strategies for controlling your emotions. Here are some ideas to try on those days you feel like tapping out.

Take stock of your emotions. Reflect on why you are feeling the way you are. If your emotions are because of conflict, ask if you should try to resolve it, or give it time to calm down.

Accept your emotions as valid feelings. Don’t feel guilty about how you feel.

Keep a mood journal.

Give yourself some space.

Here are a few of my own ideas to use on those tough emotional days.

Take a break from social media.

Do the things you love to do.

Pamper yourself.

Eat the foods you love.

Get some rest. I know my negative emotions are stronger when I’m tired.

Get outside and move.

I hope these ideas help, and if you need professional help, reach out and do not stay silent in your struggle.

When our border collie Bandit first joined our family, I wasn’t sure he was a good fit for our family. I had recently retired and was looking forward to some quiet time to write, read, and take some naps, and suddenly, here was this beautiful, crazy, loving, Tasmanian devil of boundless energy. It has not always been easy, but I know what a blessing he is and one of the best gifts he has given us is laughter. Here are a few of the moments that have made us laugh.

When it rains, I leave a towel near the door to wipe off Bandit because we live in Georgia, the home of red clay. Rain, red clay, and the dog are not a pretty combination. Later that morning, I stepped out of the shower and started to dry off with a towel that was on the floor. I looked at the towel and realized that it was covered with dried red clay. Somehow the dog towel had made its way upstairs. I think the look on my face must have been comical because my daughter could not stop laughing as she said, “So, I guess you are going to take another shower?”

Bandit loves to play with the neighborhood dogs. He was coming out to play with Floyd, the dog of our neighbors, Vanessa, and Greg. Bandit came running full speed at Vanessa to greet her. I turned to her and said, “He’s not going to stop.” Bless his heart, he hit her so hard, that it knocked her out of her clogs. She was fine but turned to me and said, “Oh, my God, he knocked me out of my shoes!”

I was worried he would not get along with the cats, but I had no idea how well they would do together. They like to lie on top of his toys to see his reaction, but he lies down in front of one cat so the cat can lick his head.

He loves to play with sticks, and he will bring them to you so you can play tug of war with him. My husband was by the side of the pool cleaning it when Bandit came running full speed with a huge branch. John looked up, through the scrubber, and into the pool he went.

We laugh at the way he sleeps on his back with his tongue hanging out, and the way he chases his tail when no one wants to play with him. I know he will make me smile several times every day and I am very grateful for that.

I have a hard time letting go of something I have seen or heard when it impacts me. Instead of being able to forget it and turn to something new, I find myself ruminating on it, trying to make sense of it, and feeling all the emotions that go with it. This is what happened when I heard about the suicide of Miss USA 2019 Cheslie Kryst. She was a young woman who seemingly had it all, beauty, intelligence, a strong character, and more achievements than most people collect in a lifetime. She was many people’s version of perfection, but the haters still spilled their venom and attacked her where they could, and the maintenance of her perfection seemed to become too much, and the chance to truly be accepted by our culture and society seemed just out of reach.  

 Cheslie penned a heart-rending essay reflecting on the pressures of getting older, the need to achieve – and her battle with online trolls who bullied her over her looks.

Kryst, 30, wrote candidly in an essay for Allure about overcoming the crushing expectations she once placed on herself after she “nearly worked myself to death.”

“I discovered that the world’s most important question, especially when asked repeatedly and answered frankly, is: why?” Kryst wrote of her change in thinking.

“Why work so hard to capture the dreams I’ve been taught by society to want when I continue to only find emptiness?” turning 30 feels like a cold reminder that I’m running out of time to matter in society’s eyes — and it’s infuriating,” she wrote. Far too many of us allow ourselves to be measured by a standard that some sternly refuse to challenge, and others simply acquiesce to because fitting in and going with the flow is easier than rowing against the current,” 

In my opinion, we lost so much with the death of this young lady. I wish someone could have convinced her that she had so much power to make a difference, influence other women, and be relevant no matter what age she was. I wish she had known her worth and that her relevance was not tied to her age.

The word relevance to me means that you have a voice, you can make a difference, you have influence, and you are relatable. Our society places a high value on beauty, wealth, youth, and the ability to sell yourself, but I think there are other ways to be relevant even if you don’t meet any of those criteria.

Think of the people in your community who are the quiet angels. They are making a difference every day and they don’t need any notoriety to do it. It’s true that we do need to be kinder to our older members because they have wisdom and experience, and they have faced challenges and survived. One person can make a difference at any age, so in my opinion, we are all relevant in our own way. We all have value. If you are struggling because you have been listening to the haters, or life has become difficult to handle, please reach out to people you trust or professionals.

The average person is working, taking care of a family, cleaning and repairing a home, and fulfilling all the other responsibilities life throws at us. It can be a whirlwind of activity, and often we are in survival mode, so we don’t always slow down enough to enjoy life and take in the blessings around us.

Ness Labs has an article, An Ode to Slowing Down, in which author, Anne-Laure Le Cunff says, “Fighting our urge to live and work faster can lead to clearer thinking, deeper connections, and better mental health. By slowing down, you can build three important pillars in your life. They are intentionality, quality, and sustainability.”

When I retired last year, I was surprised at how much I hadn’t noticed because I was always completing one task and preparing for the next one. I had no idea how much time I was missing with my family. My youngest is in her junior year in college and real life is starting to loom ahead of her. She wants to talk about her future and brainstorm ideas with me. I know I only have a year or two more of her being home, so I am soaking up every moment of our talks, watching silly movies, and making sense of another assignment. My husband has a basement office and in between his calls, he likes to come up and tell me what is happening in his day. If I went back to work, I would put more priority on family and slow down a little.

While working, there wasn’t time to take a nap, but now if I lie down, two cats, a dog, and sometimes my daughter curled up next to me. There is usually a commotion of some kind after ten minutes, but it is still nice to take a few minutes to regroup.

Slowness allows you to be more present instead of always thinking about what comes next. When friends and family used to speak to me, I was rarely listening because I was stressed out about all the other things I needed to do. Now, I focus on the person speaking, make eye contact and listen. Slowing down will also relax you. My oldest daughter told me that I am a completely different person from when I was working.

Slowing down can help you connect better with people, make better decisions instead of rushing into something, calm you, and allow you to be present.

I believe the statement laughter is the best medicine is true. It can affect our bodies in many ways that physical activity does, it can improve our mental health, it can diffuse an emotionally charged situation, it attracts people to us, and it can be used as a coping strategy. Let’s look at examples of how it can do this and more.

The Mayo Clinic says when you laugh it causes physical changes in your body. Here are several changes they list.

Laughter enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs, and muscles, and increases the endorphins released by your brain.

It activates and relieves your stress response and soothes tension.

It can improve your immune system, relieve pain, and improve your mood.

The Help Guide says that laughter relaxes the whole body, and it improves the function of blood vessels, and increases blood flow which can protect your heart.

Laughter can improve our mental health through the stress reduction already mentioned, but it can help in other ways as well. Laughter can be used as a coping mechanism when life becomes difficult. I once told a student that I had never seen her unhappy. She always seemed to be smiling and laughing. I was surprised when she told me she suffered from severe depression and laughter helped ease the pain, and it also kept others from seeing that pain. When I told my husband about it, he said he had done the same thing because his stepdad had been so tough on him. He turned to humor to cope with it.

Laughter can lighten your mood. It can also create those funny moments that you can remember and laugh about again. I have a French friend whom I would describe as elegant and reserved. If you don’t know him, you would say he is serious. He has a way of saying something hysterical when I least expect it, and he says it with such a serious expression that I laugh until my stomach hurts. Many of my funny memories involve him or my oldest daughter. All it takes is for one of them to say, “Do you remember when….?” And I am already laughing.

I used laughter in my class to diffuse emotionally charged situations. Although I was blessed with extraordinary students, occasionally someone would come into class angry, frustrated, or an emotional wreck and they might be disrespectful, or distracted and distracting. The emotions they were feeling were issues I usually inherited from another class, but once they were in my room, they became my issues. I tried as often as possible to diffuse any problems with a sense of humor because it seemed more effective to me than matching anger to anger.

Laughter is contagious and everyone can benefit from catching it. When you are in public and you hear someone laugh, it is hard not to smile, especially when it is the laughter of a child. My husband has the sound of a child’s laughter as his ringtone on his phone and I enjoy seeing people smile when it rings. Do you know someone whose laughter makes you laugh? If I started to laugh around my oldest sister, she would say, “Jen, stop!!!” then she would laugh uncontrollably, and she was lost. My oldest daughter is that person for me. I swear we cannot go out in public without crazy things happening that make us laugh. One of us will start laughing and the other will say, “No, no, think of serious things!” We do this because once we start laughing, we cannot stop.

Laughter can bring people together. When you laugh with someone, it forms a bond even if it’s temporary. You can turn a stranger’s day around by sharing some laughter.

Laughter does not come easily to everyone, but it is something worth doing more often to improve the quality of your life. Here are a few ideas to make you laugh.

Spend time with funny people.

Watch funny YouTube videos or funny movies.

Laugh at situations instead of letting them get you down.

Give laughter a try and see if it can make daily life more fun.

I have always thought it made more sense that our ultimate goals in life were more about being happy than attempting to achieve perfection. Instead of worrying about whether we look like a success to others, what if we gauge our success by how happy we are and ask ourselves what needs to change for us to be truly content. In the article, 10 Tips for a Happier and Smarter Life, author Sadhguru says, “At present, the quality of your life is not determined by the clothes that you wear, the educational qualifications that you carry, the family background that you come from or the bank balances that you hold. Rather, the quality of your life depends upon how peaceful and joyous you are within yourself. Do you think the man who is driving the car is happier than the man who is walking on the street? No. It is not decided by what you have. All those people who depend on external situations to be happy will never know true joy in their lives. It is time we look inward and see how to create personal wellbeing.”

Everyone sees happiness differently so there isn’t a guidebook on how to find happiness, but I think we all have a fairly good idea about what makes us happy. Ask yourself these questions and see if they point you in the right direction.

When are you the happiest? Is there any reason why you cannot do more of that?

What do you need to change to be happier? Write down your answers as well as the challenges involved.

How can you eliminate those challenges?

Who makes you happy? Shouldn’t you be around those people more?

Are you happy with your life? What would you change?

Are you happy with your job? If not, what job would make you happy?

Is it your attitude that needs to change? Your perspective?

Life is too short to try to be something that doesn’t fulfill us. I hope you take time to reflect on what you need to be happy instead of trying to achieve someone else’s idea of happy.

Words are powerful. They can comfort, motivate, uplift, and heal. What you say to someone today might stay with that person for the rest of his life. It is often something simple that you said without thinking that your words carried weight. I once wrote in a student’s journal that I saw how hard she always worked, and I appreciated her work ethic. After the graduation ceremony that year, she came to find me and told me how much she appreciated my words.

Giving someone words that matter makes you feel better too. Anytime someone has told me that my words were appreciated, It lifted my spirits too. It’s always nice to feel like you helped in some way.

Your words might save someone. My sister had gone through a nasty divorce and had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. She told me she felt overwhelmed and depressed, and she wasn’t sure how she would continue. My words to her were not profound, I only spoke to her about how she had always been my example of strength, and I didn’t know anyone tougher. She told me later that those words had turned her attitude around.

What are the words that have made a difference to you that you remember when you need some comfort? I have several that I use to heal my spirit when I’m being tough on myself. I had a high school English teacher who was the most intelligent man I have ever known. I was in awe of him. One day, he handed me back one of my compositions and said quietly, “You are a good writer.” I’m sure he had no idea I would think of those words during the many times I wonder if my writing is good enough, or if it is only something I love to do. Another example is something my friend Kim said once when I received a rejection from a publisher, and she could see it had devastated me. She said, “Jen, that is one voice commenting on your writing. Don’t listen to just one voice.” That motivated me to keep going, and those words have helped me in many situations. If someone criticizes you, remember that it doesn’t have to be the truth. There have been many other kind words that I am very grateful to have received.

Have you wielded your words to make a difference? You could do that by complimenting someone for quality or ability you admire. You can tell someone how he has helped you or inspired you. With the right choice of words, you might say something at the perfect time to help someone when he needs it the most. With that much power, keep your words kind and uplifting.