Giving Grace

Giving grace to me being understanding when someone falls short of expectations, being kind, and being patient. I have said often during the last few years that this is a time when we need to give grace as often as we can.

When we went into lockdown in 2019, I was teaching high school French. None of us were prepared for virtual school. I remember taking Pepto Bismal before my first class because I was sure none of my technology would work, and I would let my students down. The first thing I said to my students was “How are you?” Many of them were scared, so I made sure I asked that question often throughout the year. The second thing I said was, “I am going to give you a lot of grace while we figure this out, and I hope you can do the same for me.” We didn’t only survive that semester, we thrived, and the way we did it was with communication, (we made group chats with classes and the women faculty did one as well to support each other) and connection, (I gave my students my cell phone in case they had questions or had connection issues), and most of all we thrived because we gave grace by supporting each other and laughing at small failures. (I shut down the class instead of just the PowerPoint one time. A student texted me, “Madame, are you coming back?”)

Nothing seems normal right now, so try to extend grace and kindness anytime you can. Wherever you go there are signs saying a business is hiring, and there are signs saying to be kind to the people who showed up. Do what you can to show your appreciation.

The need for grace goes beyond the food industry. I love reading the paper, especially on Sunday. One of our papers has been coming late every day and it has not been delivered for two Sundays. I keep telling my husband that I think it’s a staffing issue and I’m giving grace. I was running in the neighborhood when a woman pulled up to give me the paper. She looked like she was waiting for me to give her an earful when she said, “I’m sorry, your paper is late.” I said, “It’s o.k. but do you know why we didn’t receive either paper on Sunday?” I added that I was not angry and that this was a time for giving grace. She was on the phone with her boss and I wish you could have seen her body language. She sighed in relief and repeated my words to her boss. They were having trouble finding delivery drivers. Imagine how many complaints they heard from people who didn’t care why, they just wanted the paper.

I think we can do better, especially in the stressful circumstances we have been in during the last few years. I hope you reach out and give some grace today, and that someone does the same for you.  

Travel writer Clemens Sehi says, “When traveling, there is one thing that one realizes quite fast: a smile can change everything. It can open doors and the hearts of other people whose culture you do not even know. A smile is the most international language that everyone knows.

Smiling creates a connection between people. We are naturally drawn to people who smile because we assume that the smiler has positive personality traits. It also sends a message that you are open to conversation. A smile can make you seem more likable and approachable. The Solara Mental Health site says that when someone smiles at us the part of our brain that controls feelings of reward is activated.

Smiling also benefits our health. In the article, Surprising Health Benefits of Smiling, Earlexia Norwood, M.D. says smiling gives us a mood boost and helps our bodies release Cortisol and endorphins that help our health in the following ways.

Reduced blood pressure

Increased endurance

Reduced pain

Reduced stress

Strengthened immune system

In his article, The Top Ten Reasons to Smile Every Day, Mark Stibich, Ph.D. says that a study in 2010 found that smiling is associated with longer life. He also says that smiling can make you more attractive since the muscles we use to smile lift the face making a person look younger. Smiling also suggests success because it makes you seem confident.

You can help others when you smile because it has been proven that smiling is contagious. You can lift the mood of those around you with a simple smile. We all have those days when we are struggling. You have the power to turn someone’s day around and improve your health at the same time.

Here are some ideas to make someone else smile.

Send a note to someone thanking them or telling them why you think he or she is special.

Give a compliment

Do at least one act of kindness each day.

Offer food

Maya Angelou said, “If you have one smile left in you, give it to the people you love.”   

Have you ever tried to be something you are not because you think people won’t like the real you? Are you afraid someone might find out that your family has some crazy in it? Do you compare yourself to others and try to mold yourself to fit that vision?

There are some reasons why it is a much better idea to be your authentic self. Being authentic means saying no to things that don’t serve any real purpose. It’s not saying yes to impress. It’s sticking to your values even if someone is trying to convince you otherwise. It’s having the courage to be transparent and honest, and to be who you really are without wearing a mask.

In the article, Authenticity, How to be True to Yourself, on www.mindtools.com, the Mind Tools team discusses how hard it is to not be authentic. “Living and working this way is tiring, dispiriting, and confining. It can also hold us back from reaching our true potential. The opposite of this is to live and work authentically. When we give ourselves permission to be ourselves, we can live free from others’ ideas and expectations, and we can choose our own course in life.”

When you are authentic you will earn the trust and respect of others by standing by your beliefs and values and not doing something only to fit in with the crowd. You can achieve your potential because you will act without being fearful of what others think. Being authentic relieves the stress of trying to be something you are not. You will have better relationships because the people you interact with will know the real you.

Rebecca from www.minimalismmadesimple.com states being authentic makes everything simpler. You will experience personal growth because no growth can happen when you only copy what others do.

Joshua Becker, author, speaker, and editor of Becoming Minimalist, wrote an article called The Compliment I Most Want Said at My Funeral. In the article, he says he hopes people say he was the same person in both public and private. He wants to be authentic, live an exemplary life, and be the best, he can be. This article resonated with me because I know several people who lead very different lives depending on whether they are in public or at home and it can have devastating effects on family members, especially when others believe the public persona, and do not believe family members who reveal the private person.     

You can also help others by being authentic. I had some family junk that I was always worried my colleagues at the Christian school where I worked would find out about and judge me. One day I had the clarity to realize I loved my family even if they did some outrageous things. In the workroom at school, I shared my feelings and the junk and said I was tired of not being authentic. I was surprised that all four women around me started sharing similar stories and seemed relieved to release their own junk.

We all deserve to be our unique person. It is exhausting to try to fit a persona that isn’t you, or to try to follow the latest trend. Celebrate the amazing person you are and realize that people will judge you no matter what, but that is their issue, not yours.

I hear comments all the time of someone who is feeling defeated and has decided to throw in the towel and give up. Either someone or life has convinced him that he cannot succeed or should stop trying to do something. I would encourage you to find resilience and not to give up, and here is why.

The Everyday Health website says resilience is the ability to withstand adversity and bounce back from difficult life events. It is important because it gives people the strength needed to process and overcome hardship. Those lacking resilience get easily overwhelmed and may turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, resilient people tap into their strengths and support systems to overcome challenges and work through problems.

Dr. Ken Ginsberg developed the 7 Cs of resilience which are learning competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping, and control. Learning competence is finding your resources to learn what you need to know to accomplish your goals. Confidence is believing you can and having a positive attitude about challenges, a connection is building a support group who can be your cheerleaders, character is the ability to be tough enough to not give up, and to rise up again no matter how many times you fall, a contribution is being involved in your community and being an inspiration for someone else, coping is finding positive, healthy ways to deal with the challenges, and control is the fact that you have the power to run your life.

Dr. Carine Nzodom gives these suggestions on building resilience.

Allow yourself to feel a wide range of emotions.

Identify your support system and let them be there for you.

Verywell Mind author Kendra Cherry says,

Find a sense of purpose in your life that will boost you up on difficult days.

Build positive beliefs in your ability.

Be optimistic

Establish reasonable goals

Kira M. Newman at the University of California says to face your fears and challenge yourself. Cultivate forgiveness by letting go of grudges and letting yourself off the hook.

In my own life resilience has come in not always listening to limiting voices. Running is a passion for me and my coping mechanism. About six years ago I strained my knee very badly because I refused to listen to messages my body was sending me, and one day, a shooting pain ripped through my knee, and I could barely walk. I went to a wonderful orthopedist who unfortunately thought running was harmful and runners were stupid. (He told me this within the first five minutes of meeting him) I had to have four weeks of physical therapy, and at my last appointment, he told me my running days, at least distance running days were over. I was very nervous about running for about a month, but it is something that gives me so much joy, I knew I had to keep doing it. Not only did I continue to run, but I also started to run more distance, and now my favorite race is the ultra-marathon (anything longer than 26.2 miles) I do all the exercises I was given in physical training and my knees feel great. What if I had let an opinion limit me?

Another example of resilience was more emotional. I had worked for a long time on a manuscript and had a potential publisher, but when I sent in the final draft, the manuscript was rejected, and the comments that came with the rejection were warranted, but they stung. I was devastated and my friend Kim said, “It is one voice, Jen. Don’t let it defeat you. Figure out how you are going to make it work.” Those were the words I needed to hear and after a lot of reworking of the manuscript, I resent it out and it was accepted for publication. If I had given up that would never have happened.

There are certain attitudes and actions that are resilience killers. Here are a few.

Excuses (You are too old, your joints hurt, too tired, you are afraid of judgment, it’s too hard…)

Fear

Negative attitude

A pity party

Woodrow Wilson said, “The difference between a strong man and a weak one is that the former does not give up after a defeat.”

Although it doesn’t always seem that way, you are in charge of your life and what you do with it. Why would you not want to live it fully, or give up on anything halfway through the journey?

I have a sign near my desk that says, “It’s only impossible until you do it.” Good luck changing your impossibles into possibles.

I have a friend who said that his family went to Disney once a year for vacation. He said it didn’t matter if they could afford it or not any given year because they were going to go regardless. At first, I thought that was a bad idea if you didn’t have enough money to spend, but then I realized why the vacation was so important. He was making memories with his family, and their time together as a family would be experiences and stories that they would talk about the rest of their lives. Those memories would be priceless. I decided to read more about the role that memories play in our lives, and here is what I found.

Memories are connections

Memories connect us with each other when we can share past events with each other and say, “Remember when?” It can create a unique connection between the people involved, a bond that only the people involved can share. It forms a link between generations and cultures where the older generation can share their experiences with the younger generation. It allows us to pass down important elements of culture so they will not be lost.

Memories are our identities

Your memories are unique to you, and they are a way to share with others important elements about what and who made you who you are. Where you grew up, where you went to school, what your friends were like, what experiences you had all work together to form you. When you share those memories, you share yourself with others.

Memories can ease grief

When someone we love dies, the memories we have of the person can ease the pain as we look back on all the special moments we were blessed to have. We can laugh and share good times we had with this person.  

Memories help us move forward

Memories help us to take what we have learned from both failure and success and improve from the past.

Make as many memories as you can because memories matter.

I cannot remember a time in my running career that I have not wanted to be faster than I am. I have always wondered what it must feel like to cross the finish line well before the rest of the pack, to be an elite runner. As it is though, I’m usually at mile two of a 5k when the winner is crossing the line. Unfortunately, I do not give up easily so my quest to be faster continues even with father time trying to hold me back. The truth though is I know exactly what I need to do to be faster, but doing the hard work required to do it is not always easy for me. I would like to share with you some of the wisdom I have learned about improving your running speed, and if you see me at a race, please ask me if I have followed my own advice!

Run fast

I know this sounds obvious, but we can train our bodies to do almost anything through repetition, so if we want to race fast, we have to practice running fast. I like to do a routine at the gym where I run the ramp that goes up to the track to warm up, and then I get on the treadmill and run the mile pace that I want to be able to run. I run at that pace for as long as I can then I take a minute break, run again, break, and I do that four times and then work up to running that pace for a mile. You can do it without a treadmill, but it works better for me.  

Run hills

In my opinion, this is one of the quickest ways to become faster. Find some good hills around you and run them until you are too tired to do it anymore. If you can be comfortable with hills, that can be the part of the race when you can leave a lot of runners behind you because hills defeat people mentally more than physically. Develop a mantra for the hills that you can say over and over as you climb. It can be as simple as, “This is only a hill. I am strong enough to do this.” If nothing else, it will distract you. Another trick is to say, “it’s only a hill c’mon run it with me!” to someone who is walking to motivate him. Once he starts running with you, you can’t stop running.

Run long

Have at least one long run a week. It will make you more confident about shorter races.

Build your core

Sometimes the basics are the best. Sit-ups, planks, and push-ups will make you a stronger, faster runner because your core will be stronger.

Run with someone faster than you

I need a rabbit to chase when I run so having friends who are faster than I am is a bonus in my opinion because it gives me someone to chase. In a race, try to continually make it up to the next person and once you pass that person, focus on the next one.

Stretch

Flexibility will help your speed and help to prevent injuries. I have found as I have gotten older, I cannot skip stretching. Keeping everything loose reduces the risk of pulling something.

Set goals

I work best when I have a plan so if I make some attainable goals, I am more likely to stick to doing the work to attain these goals.

Track work

Doing track work with sprints, and other high-intensity running will go a long way to improve your speed.

                                                        

I was an educator for forty years and a teacher mentor. One of the things I had to do was to teach students and teachers how to balance their time to be the most productive with the least amount of stress. Here are some ideas on how to do this.

Do you find yourself stressed most of the time, trying to fill as much as possible into your day, and then feeling frustrated because you didn’t accomplish everything on your list? Most of us are frazzled, doing too much too quickly and we cannot find a way to do it any differently. There are so many things to do and only so much time to do it. When we complain about it, we are told to let something go, to rest more, but that often seems impossible. Recently, I heard a suggestion that made sense to me. The suggestion was to create margin in your life.

When you think about the word margin you imagine the blank space on the side of a page where you can write in explanations or reflections. It is the spot for extra thought and personal additions. It is room to make more. What if we made margin in our lives by creating some blank space and time where we had some room to breathe? We seem to always be so intent on filling in every waking moment with as much activity as possible but with margin, you can have some time to catch up on a neglected task or merely do nothing but destress. Let me show you how creating margin, the unfilled space can make you both healthier and more productive.

Managing time with margin

Have you ever been in a situation where every minute of your day is scheduled, and you are like a hamster on the wheel wildly trying to keep up with completing your tasks? You are already behind, you have to have a presentation done in five minutes and of course, your computer shuts down and will not restart. Your stress level rises and panic sets in. What if you had given yourself some margin, some space in case something did not go according to plan? Instead of planning everything back-to-back, give yourself ten minutes in between commitments. If you finish early, you have space to start on something else or to take a few minutes to regroup.

Using margin for time outs

When you start to create margin, you will find that you have some time to refocus and organize. When we have time to focus, reflect and reorganize we can be more productive with our next task.  You will not feel frazzled and on edge because you were able to prepare calmly. Sometimes all you need is a few more minutes to breathe. Schedule that time into your day when you can catch up.   

Create a routine

Mornings are typically the most stressful times so do what you can to make them easier by organizing everything you need the night before. Choose the clothes you will wear, put anything that needs to come in with you near the door, and do any meal and snack preparation. Whatever you need to accomplish in the morning, make it a routine that you can do without even thinking. Consider waking up earlier to give yourself margin to ease into the morning.

Limit screen time

It is easy to be obsessed with checking our e-mail or social media or taking a break to look at YouTube videos, but these are all time eaters. Put a limit on how often you check your screens and stick to it. You may have to silence your phone or put it somewhere else so that you cannot hear notifications.

Say no

Do you feel guilty when you say no to something even though you know you do not have the time or energy to complete it well? If we are pulled in a million different directions, we will end up not doing any of our tasks professionally. Focus on the most important responsibilities and look at saying no as protecting the integrity of the task because it should be done by someone who has the time and ability. You deserve to live a life of quality which includes having time to relax and renew. If you never say no, there will never be any time for yourself.

Keep a calendar

Write down all your appointments, meetings, and tasks. If you do that then you will not be stressed by wondering if you are forgetting something.

Schedule the day

You do not have to schedule every minute because we all know that the minute a plan is in place, the disruptions will happen. Schedule the basics of your day.

Give yourself some margin in your life and I guarantee you will see a difference. Last year I made the decision to become part-time at school because I was frazzled and unhappy. I needed some margin to write and pursue other passions. I feel as if I am in better health, I am happier, and stress is not part of my life. My daughter told me that I am a completely different person. Margin has worked for me, and I think it can work for you.

The definition of a conversation is a talk between two or more people in which ideas or news are exchanged. The problem is that our interactions often are more one-sided with one person talking about himself or interrupting to interject with a personal anecdote. We are often distracted because of the many things we need to do, so instead of focusing on what someone is saying we are checking our phones or trying to finish one more e-mail.

Conversations are a form of communication and when we are not focusing on the people involved there can be negative consequences. When we are not focusing on the person talking to us, we send the message that the person is not valued. When we constantly interrupt others, finish their sentences, or make the conversation completely about us, we are not hearing the other person and we are focused only on ourselves. Perhaps the most important issue is we are not communicating fully, and we could be missing important information.

I ran a mentor program at our school and to do that, I did extensive research on how to communicate well because I wanted the teachers to feel heard and valued. Here are a few ideas that I learned about how to have a good conversation with someone.

Focus completely on the person who is speaking with you. Make eye contact and turn your body towards the person. Have you ever been talking to someone, and the person turns slightly towards the door and begins inching towards it? You want to give the impression you are interested in what the person is saying.

Stop what you are doing when someone is speaking to you. Turn your phone over and listen.

Be empathetic and ask questions for understanding. You can often walk someone to his or her own solution by asking questions.

Don’t interrupt. Let the person finish a sentence and let a few seconds of silence hang in the air before you say anything. Do not finish a sentence with what you think someone will say.

If you do not have time to talk, set a time when you do. Let the person know the conversation is important to you.

Everyone needs a chance to tell his story. Be a good listener and you should have your chance too.

When you can speak to someone in person, do that instead of texting.

I hope this helps, and I hope there are many great conversations in your future. Just remember that a conversation takes two!

Every day we have a choice of how we will greet the day. We can choose to have a negative attitude and see everything as a burden, or we can have a grateful attitude and see what we have as blessings. What if the attitude we choose affected our health?

The article, How Do Thoughts and Emotions Affect Health? from the University of Minnesota states that negative emotions can zap mental energy, negatively affect the body, and lead to health problems. They can create stress which can decrease our lifespan.  

Dr. Barbara Fredrickson is a scientist who has spent years researching and publishing the physical and emotional benefits of positivity. The benefits include faster recovery, better sleep, fewer colds, and a sense of overall happiness.

Fredrickson says that we have to be intentional about making our thoughts positive because it is often more common to see things negatively. She suggests working on turning negative thoughts to positive ones.

The Power of Positive Thinking from John Hopkins Medicine says there is definitely a strong link between “positivity” and health. A positive attitude can improve the outcome of numerous conditions.

Here are a few ways you can improve your attitude of gratitude.

Smile more. A study from the University of Kansas found that smiling reduces heart rate and blood pressure in stressful situations.

Find the good in the bad.  Pull the positives out of the negatives.

Find solutions for problems instead of being weighed down by them.

Talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend, so no disparaging remarks, only supportive comments.

Surround yourself with positive people because positivity is contagious.

Do you feel as if no one cares about you, or that you don’t have a connection with others, and that no one gets you? Have you lost a loved one, or moved away from friends and family? All of these can lead to loneliness.

If you often feel lonely, you are not alone. The Foundation of Art and Healing has a project called Project Unlonely. The research states that loneliness affects more than one-third of American adults. We have become a super-connected society through technology, but at the same time, we are terribly disconnected when it comes to quality relationships.

These findings matter because research shows that loneliness can negatively affect our mental and physical health. The fact sheet for the foundation states that health risks associated with loneliness and social isolation are compared to the dangers of smoking and obesity, increasing mortality risk by up to 30%. Loneliness can increase depression and fatigue.

John Cacioppo, a University of Chicago psychologist says, “Loneliness is an aversive signal, much like thirst, hunger, or pain.” Professor Cacioppo has done research that shows that loneliness can raise stress hormones and blood pressure, and it has an effect on blood flow to vital organs. It can also impair the immune system’s ability to fight infections.

Knowing that loneliness is unhealthy for us, what are some ways we can fight it? Here are a few suggestions.

Decrease your time on social media if you find yourself comparing yourself to others or feeling alienated.

Find a community that accepts you just the way you are. You can do that by joining clubs for interests you have, reaching out to people who also might be lonely, and participating in community events. I go to running races almost every weekend, and I have found that the running community is incredibly welcoming and supportive.

Step out of your comfort zone and be open about talking to other people. You might be the connection that someone has been looking for. Make eye contact and make a simple comment or question to start the conversation.

Make an effort to reach out to the contacts you have. Tell them you were thinking of them and wanted to see how they were doing. You may make a reconnection.

Animals make wonderful friends and they don’t judge you.

If your depression worsens reach out to an expert for help.