Most families have at least a few issues they have to work through. As parents, we have to find the right balance of love and guidance. The guidance involves discipline that isn’t always easy to navigate. There are so many things that have the potential to drive a family apart, so what is the glue that keeps them together? Here are a few that have helped me with my three children.

Understanding

Each of my three children is radically different, so I cannot treat them the same way. When my two older children were younger, I could talk to them sternly if they had done something wrong, but my youngest will burst into tears if you show any anger.

Jess is driven, independent, funny, and tough. Tyler deals only in the moment, he is easygoing and wants to do a million interesting things, Kate is kind, quiet, wise, and anxious. I have learned that I have to understand their differences and allow them to find what makes them happy.

Forgiveness

Part of being a family is being able to forgive each other. When Jess was a teen, she and I fought a lot. We were so angry at each other. Now, we have reconnected and apologized for not understanding each other.

Laughter

We laugh a lot as a family. We see the humor in everything, and we laugh until we cry. It is so bad that if we are out in public, we try to control ourselves, but inevitably we are laughing like fools. Laughter makes you happy, and it makes memories.

Unconditional love

Your family should be the people who love you even when you are at your worse. They are there to pick you back up when you fail. Love can mean hard discipline too because you know that the consequences of bad decisions will teach a valuable lesson. Jessica decided to party her way through her first year of college and was placed on academic probation which meant she would have to do a fifth year to graduate. At the end of her fourth year, I told her I had agreed to pay for four years, so she would have to pay for the fifth year. It was hard for me to tell her that, but she told me later that it was a good lesson for her.

Families need to have understanding, love, laughter, and forgiveness, and if they can maintain those, they will find the glue that holds families together.

I have had so many conversations with people where the phrase, “and then covid.” Is part of the sentence. The pandemic has changed so many aspects of our lives, but what I find so hopeful is how much resilience we have shown with these changes in our lives. Here are a few examples.

The lockdown

A total lockdown was something that most of us had never experienced, and it required us to be creative, resilient, kind, understanding, inventive, and patient.

I was a teacher when the pandemic first hit. We were given a day to collect everything we needed from school and prepare to teach online the next day. Most of us did not have much experience teaching with zoom, and the students didn’t know what to expect. I was so nervous in the first class because I was afraid that the technology would not work for me, but everything was fine. The first thing I did was make sure the students were o.k. They were afraid and not sure what was going to happen next. One student asked me if God was going to destroy us. I established communication first by creating a group me chat that students could use to reach me, and I gave them all my cell phone number. Both forms of communication came in handy many times, including the time I turned off the zoom instead of the power point, and a student texted, “Madame, are you coming back?” They could tell me if they were having issues with connection, or if they had a question. Teaching had to become more creative and interactive to engage the students.

Jobs

Restaurants had to close for public dining, so they turned to take-out orders. I know many restaurants suffered, but I have also heard many stories of customers supporting the local restaurants. I am still trying to figure out where all the workers went after the shutdown, but maybe many have been creative about working from home or starting new jobs. Business owners have had to be creative to make things work. I hope the public shows appreciation for those workers who show up.

Food

I was so proud of our country when people stepped up to help feed the people who needed it. Farmers donated produce and those who could donated to food banks. We are dealing with shortages on the shelf at the grocery store now and learning to pivot again. My daughter has a one-year-old and I have seen through her how mothers are working together to help each other find enough formula. This is the way our country should be, united to prosper. I have to admit that I am intrigued by what is missing on the shelves. The day the cheese-its were missing was when I became concerned. (only kidding…well, I was upset.)

Mental health

We have dealt with a lot in the last few years. Many of us have lost loved ones and jobs, felt isolated, stressed, and so on. I have heard myself saying repeatedly, “What in the world is going on?”. I hope we will continue to reach out and be kind to each other, and I hope those who need it will find professional help. We all need to heal in some way.

Physical health

I know for some of my friends the pandemic has been a wake-up call to work on their health. I have a friend who is still suffering from symptoms of having Covid a year ago. I had mind-numbing fatigue for two months after I had it. We cannot foresee everything, but we can do our best to be in good health, and keep our immune systems strong.

I know there are many other examples of people making the best of a bad situation, and I am praying for those that have been hit hard by Covid. I hope we keep fighting this illness by stepping up for each other and being resilient.

When I was seven, I was confirmed in the Catholic church. During the process, I somehow missed the memo that I was supposed to pick a patron saint. The truth is that at seven I don’t think I knew the names of any saints. We were standing in a line and one by one people were telling Father Noonan who they had picked for their patron saint. Not only did I not have the name of a saint ready, but I also was terrified of Father Noonan, so at that point, my day was not going well. I tapped the shoulder of the woman in front of me and asked her who she was picking for her patron saint. She said, “St. Theresa.” I know you are not surprised to learn that St. Theresa is now my patron saint.

Many years went by without much mention of my patron saint except that I was excited to find out that my older sister had picked St. Theresa as well and had done some research before picking her. My sister told me about her when I was stressed about the decision to change careers, leaving the school where I was, and trying to make it as a writer. My teaching job was too demanding and I was so tired that I was becoming nauseous and dizzy. It was time for a change, but the decision was not easy. I was speaking with my sister about it and as an aside mentioned that I had some beautiful roses in the kitchen. That is when she mentioned her patron saint was St. Theresa, and her symbol was the rose. She said anytime you see roses, it means everything will be okay.

As soon as I made my decision to leave my job, I started to see roses everywhere. They were on the side of the Chinese take-out box, and even on the toilet paper in Outback. You might say that the roses were only coincidences, but they were comforting to me. I decided to learn more about my patron saint. She was French, a writer, and a Carmelite nun, she died at 24, and she was stubborn. I did not think to find out where she was from in France.

That summer, I took a school trip to France. We were in a small town called Lisieux having an afternoon snack. One of the students asked if we could go see the town’s cathedral, so we walked leisurely to it. I was still nervous about my decision, and when I opened the door the first thing I saw was a sign that said, “Trust in God, don’t be afraid.” I felt like the message was for me. I wandered over to the gift shop and started talking to the lady in charge. I asked her, “Why is everything in here about St. Thérèse?” She replied, “This is her cathedral.” She then told me everything about my patron saint while I kept thinking that it was strange that I just walked into my patron saint’s cathedral without even knowing it.

Later that summer, I had an encounter with a psychic who asked me who my gardener was. I laughed and told her I did not have a gardener. She told me she saw my house surrounded by roses. That afternoon, I was sitting on the porch when a neighbor passed by on her walk. She called up to me, “Jen, where is the smell of roses coming from? It’s so strong down here.” My husband decided it was a good idea to surround the house with roses, so now my house is surrounded by them.

Roses continue to show up at important times. When my children were born, my husband did not want them to be baptized, but when Kait was thirteen, and Jess was twenty-three, they decided they wanted to be baptized. Instead of being dunked in water, the pastor turned to a large floral display and pulled out a rose, put it in water, and sprinkled both girls with the water. I have watched many baptisms since then, and he has not used a rose again.

I have roses around me always. I may not have known which saint to pick at confirmation, but I know how blessed I am that I chose St. Thérèse.

I am not a master gardener, but I love working in the garden. I sing out there, give the plants pep talks, and eat amazing vegetables all summer. I can feel any stress melt away out there. I love to experiment with new things, and this summer everything I tried worked. My husband enclosed the main garden after the third year of the deer eating all my corn the day before I was going to harvest it.

I have had several people tell me they would love to have a garden, but they do not have enough space. You can still have a garden with little space if you are willing to be creative. Here are a few ideas.

We were watching a show called Return to The Chateau and they went into a huge meadow that had been tilled and let the two children scatter wildflower seeds everywhere. I don’t have a meadow, but I had the neighborhood children come over and scatter seeds in our little plot. It is just starting to bloom and it is going to be extraordinary!

I wanted to try growing potatoes this year, but I had no idea how to do it. A youtube video and potatoes from Amazon and I was ready to go. My husband built this three-tiered planter for me for strawberries, but they did not do well. The potatoes are flourishing mostly because there is so much room in the first two tiers for them to grow down.

Strawberries are my favorite fruit, and they have done so well in this planter that I bought online. It even has a chalkboard on the back for children to draw on.

I wanted to grow melons, but I didn’t have any more room, so my husband said, “Let’s go to Home Depot, I have an idea. Look how he put this box together! It took him a half-hour! I only planted them several days ago, so cross your fingers that they grow.

I used a lot of containers this year. My daughter did her whole garden in containers on her back porch. I also started several things inside and then transplanted them.

My husband also made these flower boxes to mount on the walls, but he has been so bust that I just stood them up against the garden.

I hope these ideas give you some help in making use of space for a garden.

I’m sure I am not the only one who is feeling unsettled with everything going on in the world right now. The truth is I have wanted to write this article for a while, but I have struggled with emotions about this topic, especially after the shooting at an elementary school in Texas. Let’s recap a few of the spots where hate has shown up, and I apologize that I will not name them all. We have seen gun violence including group killings, road rage, and as a way to resolve an argument. There continues to be prejudice against groups and individuals because of race, religion, gender, and nationality. Instead of working together as Americans, some of us want to label our problems as republican or democratic, and instead of having calm dialogues and solving problems, we throw crazy accusations at each other. I believe we live in an incredible country, but right now we have to make a stand against hate and violence. Don’t let hate win.

Where does hate come from? Silvia Dutchevici, LCSW, president and founder of the Critical Therapy Center, says, “We are taught to hate the enemy — meaning anyone different than us — which leaves little room for vulnerability and an exploration of hate through empathic discourse and understanding. In our current society, one is more ready to fight than to resolve conflict. Peace is seldom the option.”

Behavioral researcher Patrick Wanis says, “When we feel threatened by perceived outsiders, we instinctively turn toward our in-group—those with whom we identify—as a survival mechanism”. Wanis explains, “Hatred is driven by two key emotions of love and aggression: One love for the in-group—the group that is favored; and two, aggression for the out-group—the group that has been deemed as being different, dangerous, and a threat to the in-group.”

Psychologist Bernard Golden, author of Overcoming Destructive Anger: Strategies That Work, says, “Acts of hate are attempts to distract oneself from feelings such as helplessness, powerlessness, injustice, inadequacy, and shame. Hate is grounded in some sense of perceived threat. It is an attitude that can give rise to hostility and aggression toward individuals or groups. Like much of anger, it is a reaction to and distraction from some form of inner pain. The individual consumed by hate may believe that the only way to regain some sense of power over his or her pain is to preemptively strike out at others. In this context, each moment of hate is a temporary reprieve from inner suffering.”

Here are a few things to fight hate.

Have calm dialogues with a diverse group of people. Ask questions.

Surround hate victims with comfort and protection.

Don’t deal in absolutes like believing an entire group of people is responsible for our issues.

Stand up to promote tolerance and inclusion.

Report hate crimes.

Turn the talk away from hate to unity.

Interact with a diverse group of people.

Maintain a respectful, inclusive attitude.

Make an effort to understand someone instead of judging them.

Pray.

Hate is an attack on our mental health and our community strength. Hate groups want to divide people and inspire fear. Don’t let them.

We are going through some crazy times right now, and even though it isn’t the first time that our world has thrown the same issues at us, we can feel battered and bruised. I hope we are never numb to injustice or loss of life or the myriad of issues we need to solve as humans, but I also know that we can confront everything the best when we can also find some healing. Considering everything going on in the world today, we need to tap into our resources. Here are a few simple ways to find some calm and relief before stepping back into the struggle to improve the issues.

Disconnect occasionally

We are barraged by information from all sides, and it often is a conflicting message. Social media compounds the problem by adding or attacking opinions. If you feel emotions strongly like I do, you can be overwhelmed by everything that people reveal.

Find the quiet

Even the most outgoing, positive, sociable person needs a quiet place to escape from time to time. You can turn your commute in the morning into a chance to listen to music, reflect, or bask in quiet. Books are the ultimate escape. Being outside is therapeutic. Whether you go for a walk, sit on your porch, or swing in a hammock, taking in the beauty around you is calming.

Cook something

There is something soothing about preparing food, and eating it afterward is always fun.

Listen to music

Music is a healer. I listen to the message, or simply let it wash over me. I always feel better.

Sleep

Sometimes the best answer to being worn out mentally and physically is to curl up and sleep. A good nap can restore you.

When I make renewal a regular practice, it changes my attitude toward everything else I do.

Retro summer activities

Our budgets are stretched with high gas prices and grocery bills, so if we can find something for free it is a bonus. I was talking with my husband about all the activities available in the summer and we started to talk about what we did in the summer growing up and we agreed that all of those are still fun, so I am giving you some ideas from my past for free summer fun.

Find a swimming hole

Most towns have a place to swim that only the locals know about and of course it is the best place to go. Where I grew up there was a public lake where both locals and tourists went, but there was also a lake on top of a mountain where only the locals went. It was so clean and beautiful, and the locals made sure to keep it that way. Find the spot to go swimming near you.

Locate a creek

The creek isn’t for swimming, it’s for putting your feet in cold water while your dogs and children play nearby. My two oldest could play near our creek for hours looking for creatures and staying cool. We have a local park with a creek in the back, so you never know where you might find one.

Picnic

All you need is a blanket, your favorite food and drink, and a pretty place to eat it. The best is when everyone picks out their favorite food at the store and then everyone puts the food out to share. Make sure you remember dessert.

Go barefoot

There is something so relaxing about walking barefoot in summer. Make sure you move up the hot steps extra fast though.

Porch stories

After dinner, sit on the porch and tell stories. Invite your neighbors over to join you.

Water balloon fights

What could be better on hot days than water balloons? You will laugh, get some exercise, and cool off at the same time.

Frozen root beer

Put some mason jars in the freezer for a few hours and then fill them with root beer, or root beer and ice cream.

Chase fireflies

Even at my age, I still love seeing fireflies in the summer. Find some cups and let your children catch them and then let them go. Our neighbor’s dog eats them, so that’s an issue.

Take a nap in the porch swing

Summer is great for early evening naps on the porch.

My last memory of things I loved about summer is watching thunderstorms. We had a carport, so it was safe to watch them outside. My dad and I would watch the storm come over the mountain. When it was done, we would watch the steam rise like clouds from the rain.    

There are several things I always want to have around either because they have multi-purpose uses, or I use them so often. Here is my list of essential everyday items.

A first aid kit

My husband was surprised when he found out I had one of these in my classroom. He said, “You teach them French. How do they hurt themselves conjugating verbs?” I had to tell him that I had at least two people ask me for a band-aid every day, and I have learned not to ask too many questions. Every house needs basic first aid items which for me are band-aids, antibiotic cream, and Benadryl spray to relieve the itch from bug bites. Because I don’t pick my feet up much when I run, trail races require a med kit because my feet will find every root and rock out there. I have fallen so often that my friends ask me if I brought the med kit if we are running trails.

Baking soda

This is one of the multi-purpose items. You can brush your teeth with it, clean things, use it to deodorize your fridge, and bake with it! I’m sure I left a few things off the list.

Vaseline

When you run long distances, your clothes can chafe you. After my first marathon, I had a line of bloody skin under the bottom of my sports bra. That is not pleasant when you hop into the shower. Vaseline can act as a barrier, and it is much cheaper than the body glide that running stores sell. Vaseline is wonderful as a lip balm or for chapped skin in winter. It is also useful if your rings are stuck on your finger.

Duct tape

This is another multi-purpose item. It can hold a box together, repair furniture, or mark a space on the floor. There is even a competition to make clothing out of duct tape.

Coffee

There are mornings when the thought of a steaming cup of coffee can get me out of bed. It is a comfortable way to start the day.  

Animals

I will always have at least one animal in my house. They make me laugh, calm me, and give me love.

I love summer food. I think it tastes fresher and has more taste. I especially love eating what comes out of the garden. What are your favorite summer foods? Here are a few of mine.

Anything cooked on the grill

When I think of summer food, the first thing that comes to mind is cooking on the grill. It doesn’t matter what you prefer to eat on the grill, it all tastes better and it smells amazing as it is cooking.

Corn on the cobb

One of my worst summers was when I had braces and couldn’t eat corn on the cob. It is still one of my favorite foods, but it tastes sweeter in the summer.

Watermelon

I still am not sure how to pick a ripe watermelon even though I will pick it up in the market and sniff it as if I know, but I have never bought one that doesn’t taste amazing. You can eat as much of it as you want without any guilt.

Cucumbers

I can eat the small cucumbers that have come straight from the garden all day. I cut them down the middle and sprinkle salt and pepper on them.

Popsicles

The great thing about popsicles is you can make them with anything you want. Pour the liquid into a popsicle mold, put it in the freezer, and voilà you have a cool treat.

Ice cream

When the temperatures rise, ice cream is there to cool us down. We used to have an ice cream truck that would come to our street every Saturday. When we heard that bell, everyone would lose their mind and start yelling, “Ice cream!!” as we all ran for the street.

Strawberries

We love to go strawberry picking and it is my favorite fruit, but my true confession is that I like the fried pies at the orchard even more than the strawberries.

Blueberries

We bought a blueberry plant two years ago and this is the first year that it has produced fruit, so I call it the blueberry twig instead of a bush. I love the taste of fresh fruit.

Potato salad

There are so many versions of this dish. My favorite is light on the mayonnaise with some tiny bits of carrots mixed in it.

S’mores

These are perfect around the fire at night after the children chase the fireflies.

One of the men who went to my gym had won a 5k the Saturday before, so I asked him, “What is your advice for running fast?” He replied, “You have to run fast.” Now, I could have been offended by the terse reply, and the condescending tone it was delivered in, but he did have a point. If you want to run fast, you have to put in the time to train your body to be fast. There are runners who are just naturally fast. I have a friend who is super-fast and only runs when he races. Most of us need a little more training than that.

I was a cross-country coach for many years, and I know what worked to make my runners faster. Let me share a few ideas with you.

Run hills

If you can find a short loop where you are running flat for a while, then have an uphill, downhill, and back to the flat, you have an ideal way to run hills. A loop like that gives you a chance to build up momentum for the hill, then as you crest the hill you have some time to rest before climbing the hill again.

Run long

Running long builds endurance and makes the shorter runs seem easy.

Run races

I use running races on the weekend as my speed work. It is fun, I can ask elite athletes questions, and I can work on speed and pacing.

Do fartleks

Fartleks are runs where you run fast for a while and then run slow.

Do tempo runs

Tempo runs are when you run at a consistent pace the whole run. It will train your body to endure the stress of that pace. I would hop on a treadmill at the gym and set it for the pace I wanted. I would run it as long as I could and then I would reduce the speed. I would repeat the pattern as long as I could.

We all want to be fast but remember that rest plays a big role too. Listen to your body and take a day off when you need it.