That broken feeling

Have you ever felt you were not strong enough for the struggle on a particular day? It doesn’t matter if your struggle is great or small or what caused it. I think we all have those moments when we feel like we have been knocked to our knees and are unsure how to solve the problem and stand back up. Here are a few ideas that might help.

Put it in perspective

The chances are pretty good that whatever you are dealing with could be much worse. Look around and see what other people are dealing with, and often our issues suddenly don’t look as bad.

Find the positive

Instead of focusing on all the negatives involved in your issues, make a list of everything you are grateful for, and also think about what you might be able to learn from the experience.

Make a battleplan

Life is all about getting back up when you are knocked down, learning from setbacks, and coming back stronger. Brainstorm ideas on how you can solve any issues and make improvements.

Distract yourself

Instead of drowning in emotions, distract yourself by doing something. Go to the gym, cook breakfast, and watch a comedy. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you can snap out of the negativity.

Ask for advice

Find someone who has already gone through what you are struggling with. Listen to the advice of someone who has overcome and adapt it to your situation.

Take things a step at a time

If you are feeling broken or overwhelmed, slow down and take one day at a time and conquer one task at a time.

Be kind to yourself

Treat yourself as if you are your best friend. Use positive, kind words. Be proud of what you have accomplished, and give yourself grace as you work on improvements.

Most of the dogs I have had have been happy to be fed, loved, and showered with attention. Although they were all very important to me, I cannot say that they were demanding at all. When our dog Bandit arrived, all that changed. Suddenly, I had a dog who was very needy and who needed a physical outlet and mental stimulation. I am so thankful that I have a friend who is a dog trainer who helped teach me what Bandit needed. I wish I could go back and apologize to my other dogs because I think many of the techniques that I use with Bandit would have helped most breeds of dogs.

Several months ago, I explained to my husband that Bandit didn’t only enjoy physical activity, he had to have it to release some of his energy and anxiety. I looked at him and said, “Why do you think running is so important to me?” My husband has been taking Bandit to a huge open field where he throws the frisbee as far as he can and watches Bandit tear after it. He videotaped him in action, and told me, “Jen, you are not going to believe how fast he can run. It is unbelievable!” He is also amazed that the dog will seem tired after an outing, but after a short car ride home, he is ready to go again. As a man who loves sports, John admires Bandit for his athletic ability. I do my best to make him move as much as possible during the day.

Bandit does well with routines and the tasks involved in those routines. In the morning, we head out to run around for a minute, and then he races over and brings in the paper. He is always conflicted on Sunday because there are two papers and he wants to do his job, but how does he carry both?

He loves practicing commands, and I take him through all of them every day. He can be very distracted, so if he is off task, I first say, “Bandit, focus!” He will look at me and then I will give his command.

It is very important to him to know what is expected of him, and he wants to please us. I am going to do my best to keep learning how to keep him engaged while working both his body and his mind.

It’s true that my first two children survived childhood, but I made so many mistakes throughout the years. I think I have done many things better with my third child, and one of the parenting skills I have tried to improve the most is listening well.

When my two oldest children wanted to talk there were usually a million other events happening at once. I was always tired, overwhelmed, and distracted. One of the moments that stands out for me was when my daughter was trying to tell me about a teacher behaving badly. Jessica’s fourth-grade teacher told us that she was having difficulty reading, and she would like to suggest that Jess be tested for a learning difference and that during the reading period of the day Jess would work with the students who had learning differences. We said yes and the testing said that Jess was mixing up letters when she read, so we agreed to have her work with the special education teacher. One day, Jess told me the teacher had been yelling at them. I told her it was never o.k. for a teacher to yell, but maybe she was having a bad day. Jess told me the same thing the next day. I’m ashamed to say that she didn’t really have my attention until she told me the teacher called her a liar. I pulled her out of that class immediately, and we had a meeting to make sure she never interacted with that teacher again. We moved at the end of the school year, and we gave the testing documentation to the new school, and they told us Jessica’s school had not done complete testing, and the new testing did not show any need for special education resources. I wish I had been more attentive to what Jess was telling me from the beginning.

I also did a horrible job of hearing Jess when she told me she was depressed. I saw it as a lack of gratitude because in my eyes we were giving her everything she could want. We eventually took her to therapy, but I listened and understood depression much better by the time my youngest expressed the same feelings.

When my children want to talk now, I am a different listener. I focus on them without multi-tasking. I don’t interrupt, I don’t judge, I ask questions, and I tell them what I think, but I always tell them they are the only ones who can make the big decisions in their lives. My youngest wanted to talk yesterday morning when we had both just come down for breakfast. I didn’t turn the television on or do anything else. I sat at the breakfast counter, turned toward her, and listened. My husband came up from his office, looked up at the black television, looked at us, and said, “oh.” My oldest daughter will call me and say, “Mom, can I just tell you everything I have been doing?” That translates to her wanting me to listen.

Our children need us even though they might not admit us. Life is more convenient, but it is harder in many ways than when we grew up. I think listening to your children is one of the most important things you can do.

Do you have someone in your life who has control issues? Control issues is a general term for when people seem overly focused on controlling situations around them. Control issues could stem from high anxiety, obsessive-compulsive symptoms, or other mental health conditions. Some people with control issues will attempt to micromanage every aspect of a situation. The choosing therapy website describes the characteristics of someone who can be overcontrolling.

Signs of control issues include:

• Self-centeredness
• Jealous
• Mood swings—upbeat one minute and upset or irritable the next
• Possessiveness
• Fear of being abandoned
• Sense of entitlement, self-importance, and little empathy and respect for others
• Unwillingness to accept responsibility or accountability for their actions
• Identify as the victim in arguments or disagreements

There are different levels of controlling behavior. If you are involved in a relationship that is toxic because of control issues, you are probably better off distancing yourself as much as you can from the person. I tend to be very naïve when it comes to people, and it took me over a year to realize that someone I considered my best friend was trying to control and manipulate me. My family kept trying to tell me, but I refused to listen until I could no longer deny it. My husband and my oldest daughter have some controlling tendencies, but their issues are not extreme. When someone you love is a controller, you may have to be creative with how you navigate the relationship. Here are a few thoughts that might help you.

It’s not about you

A controller believes that his way is the best way. It can be infuriating when someone changes something you have done or refuses to listen to your suggestions. It has nothing to do with your ability to do something and everything to do with his ability to see anyone’s worth but his. My husband believes that he is a master chef and that everyone else’s attempts at cooking are inferior. The only way he will allow someone else in our family to cook is if he can advise and help the person who is cooking. I thought for years that he didn’t like my cooking, but he only thinks his cooking is the best.

Pick your battles

If you look at the example, I just gave you can see why I win if I don’t say anything about his need to feel superior in the kitchen. I don’t have to plan meals or cook. I have extra time in my day. When you are dealing with a controller you will have to communicate what you do not want to be controlled, and communication is crucial.

Understand the issue

Although you assume that a controller thinks he knows how to do things better than anyone else, the controller is often fighting insecurity and low self-esteem. I have seen my husband’s mask slip to reveal a vulnerable individual who wants to feel needed.

Draw boundaries

I want to repeat what I said before there are different levels of control. Some controllers are dangerous, and you should avoid contact with people like that. Drawing boundaries with a toxic controller could cause problems. With someone like my husband, it has worked for me to communicate clearly with him what I consider excessive control. Both he and my daughter acknowledge their issues so that has helped.

Have support

Early in our relationship, I did not understand some of the things my husband did. I felt very alone, and I felt like I couldn’t do anything right because he was always fixing what I did. I told my family and that helped to know I had support.

Have you ever been struggling with an issue, and having difficulty finding a solution when someone says something that provides you with the answer? I have that happen all the time and the solution is usually so simple that I find myself asking why I didn’t think of it myself. Usually, the words that work for me when it comes to resolving issues tell me to experiment with one thing, and if that doesn’t work to try something else. I often receive the message that what I perceived as a huge problem wasn’t really that big of a deal. It helps when someone’s words put things in perspective.

I often find that when I listen closely to what is being said around me, I realize that the pity party I am having is not justified and things could be much worse. I am healing from a torn meniscus and a baker’s cyst, and I have been discouraged more than one time. I was talking to a man at the gym who had had thirteen knee surgeries. His advice was to keep exercising and strengthen the surrounding muscles. It helped to hear from someone who had been through it already.

My husband said something a few months ago that has helped me. He said, “It is what it is.” He meant that no matter what happens it doesn’t do much good to complain about it. Do your best to fix what you can and keep a good attitude. When I told my husband the results from my MRI, he said, “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.” I think he thought I would start crying because I am a runner and the results from the MRI meant I would not be running until my knee healed, but I looked at him and said, “It is what it is.”

Sometimes you need to hear affirmations. Hearing that you are making a difference or doing a good job can lift anyone’s spirits. Write some texts to friends who need to hear how much they matter to you. Let a colleague know you enjoy working with her.

If you are grieving, kind words always help. It also can help to share memories with friends and family.

Look for words of inspiration to motivate you and lift your spirits on tough days.

I hope you hear the words you need today, and I hope you spread some to others as well.

When my family talks about the many special pets that we have had, we always talk about the things they did that made us love them. What do you love most about your pets? What do they do that warms your heart and make you smile? Let me share a few of mine in the hopes that your pets might share some of the same qualities.

When our dog Bandit is happy or excited, he talks to us with a type of howl. It makes me smile every time he does it. I also love the pure joy he finds chasing a ball or a frisbee. He is in constant motion except for when he first comes out of his crate. He stretches, then comes to me to have his belly rubbed. The minute I say, “Do you want to go out?” It’s game on! I also am amazed at how in tune he is with everyone’s emotions. He seems to know exactly what we are saying and feeling.

Our cat is just as fun. When I let Bandit out in the morning, Sophie wanders over to greet him and receive some of the attention. She has a scary sense of when I sit down under a blanket because she is there seconds later looking for the perfect spot for a nap. If she feels she is not receiving enough attention, she starts making such a horrific noise that we start to pet her just to make her stop.

What are your favorite pet moments?

Have you ever gone to a race and been inspired by some of the other runners, and found yourself saying that you want to be a better runner? The definition of a better runner could be something different for all of us. You might want to run faster, or longer. You might wish that you knew more about nutrition or injury prevention, or you might want to figure out how to be as strong mentally as you are physically. Whatever being better means to you, you can always continue to improve if your attitude is that growth is always possible. Here are a few ideas to research if you want to be a better runner.

Talk to the experts.

I have wanted to be better at running ultras, but I often make rookie mistakes and fall short of my goal, so I asked a friend who runs 100-mile races if he could give me advice. He took me through everything he does, and I took three pages of notes and did much better at the next race.

Experiment

Everyone is a little different, so find what works best for you. What gives you energy? I changed up a few things like eating more protein and drinking more water, and I saw some positive changes, but something else might work for you. Change up your training too. Sometimes, we need to do something new to spark our motivation, so try a new running route or cross-training exercise.

Keep a journal

Keep track of what works well for you, and notice what is working for other runners.

Have fun

If you start to dread training, you won’t be motivated to improve. You can work hard but have some fun doing it.

I know that we are not supposed to engage in any way when we receive phone calls, texts, and e-mails from someone who is obviously a scammer, but haven’t you ever wanted to? I would like to ask them if their conscience ever bothers them when an innocent, had working person falls for their scheme, I want to correct their spelling and grammar, and question how much effort went into the bogus text I just received.

Yesterday, I received a text that read, “Customer, we have limited access to your account because there has been suspicious activity.” Of course, there was a link where I assume I could provide all my private information. I wanted to write back and say, “Criminal, thank you for being so vigilant about protecting whatever account you are talking about.”

Scammers can be very good though. My husband is the one who always says, “Be careful about giving out personal information.” Even he was tricked though when he received a call from someone saying they were from AT&T. They wanted to verify his account info to see if he was eligible for a promotion they were running. He was distracted as he was trying to work and talk to the person on the phone, and you guessed it, he gave them the info. Several days later, my phone stopped working, so my husband said, “Let’s go to AT&T and ask them. When we told the lady what was happening, she said, “Have you given your account info to anyone?” As I was saying no, I noticed my husband looked slightly pale. He said to the woman, “I did.” It turns out that after someone made a call to Saudi Arabia, AT&T shut down my phone. She also told us that AT&T never calls anyone (slightly ironic!) they will always text. The next day, we were shopping when I received the same phone call my husband had received from the scammer. I let him talk for a minute then I said, “I know what you are doing, and you should be ashamed of yourself.” Then in one of the many moments when I wanted to say one thing, but something else came out of my mouth, I said, “How can you sleep with yourself at night?” Then I hung up.

So, be careful because not all scammers will be as obvious as the one who started with, “Customer!” and fight that urge to fix what they are sending us, so we can continue to know when we should not engage.   

Several weeks ago, my husband and I were standing in line to board a plane home from an anniversary trip to Paris when my youngest called sobbing. It took a few minutes before she could speak and then she said, “Mommy, Lowkey died.” First, let me tell you that hearing your child sobbing and sounding heartbroken while you are nine hours away is no treat, but add on to that the fact she was talking about an amazing pet that we had for fourteen years. My heart broke even more when she said, “Mommy, I don’t know what to do.”

If you have ever been in a Paris airport, you know that boarding zones are really only rough guidelines, so at any moment someone was going to yell, “everyone on!” At first, we told her a neighbor would be over to help, and we contacted two of our amazing neighbors to check on her, then I called her back and told her boyfriend to put the cat in a box and leave him in the basement so I could see him one last time. I asked where she found him, and she said he was lying next to the dog’s crate. The dog and lowkey were best friends, so I told kait that lowkey had lived a long life, he was well-loved, and he died next to his best friend.

Pets become our family and certain pets stand out as truly special. Lowkey was one of those. He lived to eat, didn’t rush anywhere, nothing bothered him, and he loved everyone. It is hard to lose a pet lIke him, but we can always cherish the memories. Some of the ways we are doing that are sharing memories of him, putting up pictures of him, and being grateful that he was with us for fourteen years.

Which of your pets were the most special and what do you do to remember them?

Disciplining for me is about teaching children about boundaries and the correct way to behave. Children will test the rules and knowing what those rules are and what the consequences will be when the rules are broken gives them a sense of stability and security. It can also teach them how to act like a good human.

I always think about the line in the movie Pirates of the Caribbean when Elizabeth says she invokes the pirate code, and the response is that it isn’t really a code. It’s more of a rough guideline. The same is true for parenting. You do your best to instill good behavior and character and usually, the same technique never works twice, but you set boundaries to teach your children lessons they will need in life.

My husband left most of the disciplining to me because he says I know Jedi mind tricks that work on our children, but all I do is try something and pray it works. Here are several examples. My teenage son was constantly pestering me to let him get a mohawk, so one day when he came to the grocery store with me, I took him to get a mohawk. When we arrived home I said, “Well, let’s get this over and go show your dad.” When my husband saw it he nodded and said, “Ah, I see.” My son hurried away, and my husband said to me with controlled fury, “Why did you let him do that?” I said, “Honey, in a few days, he will realize how silly he looks, and then he won’t ask to do it again.” He looked at me and said, “You are brilliant!” Of course, I am not, I’m only willing to try something and hope it works.

My youngest told me she wasn’t sure she wanted to attend college. If I had demanded that she go to college, I would have had some issues that could be avoided, so I told her it was fine if she did not want to go, but she needed to tell me the plan for her life. This gave her a choice and made her examine more closely what she wanted to do after high school. She is now in her last semester and will graduate Cum laude!

I told our oldest that we would pay for four years of college. Unfortunately, she decided to be more social than academic during her first year, and she had to do a fifth year. Before the end of the fourth year, I told her she would have to pay for the fifth year. That was very hard for me to do, but I wanted her to learn that her actions had consequences.

There have been moments when I had no idea what to do. My oldest was the only child who had complete meltdowns in stores. I remember being in Kroger with a full cart of groceries when she dropped to the floor kicking and screaming. I picked her up and quickly left the store. She was asleep in the car within five minutes of the ride home. I learned that most tantrums can be avoided by keeping a child fed and rested.

The next time you have a tricky parenting moment, remember to do the right thing that will help your children in the long run.