I think social media has many positive aspects. I would never be as connected with family and friends that live in other states. With Facebook and Instagram, I can stay current with what is happening in my community, and social media has often given me insight into a person that I would not otherwise have had.

One of the things I do not like though is the comparison game that social media perpetuates. I’m not sure why so many people feel the need to appear as if they lead perfect lives because I have always thought that when you are transparent and show up with all your messiness, you help more people feel that maybe they aren’t doing everything wrong and that a family can be happy when there are a few struggles going on behind the doors.

It can be harmful to people to read posts where everything is always shiny and bright, and life is always smooth. I see this the most with the attempts to portray the perfect family. I know a lot of families and very few of them are perfect and they still are amazing, so the next time you feel like a bad parent because your children don’t seem to be doing everything right, realize that behind those illusions are some harsh realities that you probably don’t want to deal with.

I appreciate the parents who talk about the bumps in the road like the sleepless night with a new baby, a teenager who can’t seem to find the laundry basket, and the toddler who had a meltdown in the middle of the store. Imperfect is so much more relatable and much easier to maintain.

Have you ever had one of those days where you couldn’t believe what people thought it was o.k. to say, and their actions were even harder to understand? My daughter and I call that a cabin in the mountains day. We often joke that each time we have an unfortunate interaction with a person, we are one step closer to moving to that cabin. Here is why we think the move to the cabin sounds so appealing.

I taught for a while in the North Georgia mountains, and life seems simpler there in many ways. Priorities are different, and people value hard work and integrity, and caring for the family. No one is going to say anything hurtful about anyone before they say bless her heart which to me translates as she is doing the best she can with the resources she was given. I can only talk about my experience, but the people in the mountains would be there in a heartbeat if anyone needed help.

The next reason we think our cabin would be ideal is that being out in nature away from six lanes of traffic is healing. We wouldn’t need to worry anymore about rush hour.

Kate and I don’t have too many stipulations about our cabin except that we want a huge front porch with a fireplace. It would be nice to be on a lake, so we could jump in our kayaks and paddle around the edge. It would also be great to have a Walmart or Target within an hour for those rare times when we might be missing people.

Do you ever fantasize about where you would like to escape to on a bad day? What would it look like, and why would it soothe your soul?

If you are an athlete, you know how frustrating it can be to be training hard while preparing for an event when an injury suddenly strikes. You watch all your hard work slip away as days turn into weeks as you heal. The injury can strike you just as much mentally as it does physically.

I had been preparing for an ultra-marathon running thirty to forty miles weekly, working on my fueling, and preparing mentally. One morning, I was outside playing with my border collie and talking on the phone with my daughter. I wasn’t paying attention to the dog as I walked towards his favorite frisbee. I didn’t notice him running full speed, intent on beating me to the frisbee. Suddenly, he crashed into my left leg, and the pain was horrible. It wasn’t until a few days later though that my knee began to feel sore. It became so bad that I could barely walk, so I went to an orthopedist after first going to the chiropractor, a stretch studio, and physical therapy. The MRI revealed a torn meniscus and a baker’s cyst.

When I first realized that I would be sidelined for a while, I was sad to know that the fitness level I had achieved with all those miles would be gone within a few weeks. I decided to look at the situation as a chance to train in another way, so I started to work hard with low-impact training. I discovered how much fun it can be to try different routines. I asked other people who were injured how they were recuperating. Whenever I had a setback, I would try something different.

When I was first injured, I told myself that it was my age and my knees were just worn out, but then I noticed all the people in their twenties with knee braces and boots. I hate to say that misery loves company is true, but it helped me to know I wasn’t just suffering from old knees.

Don’t let injuries defeat you mentally. Use it as a chance to try new things, and possibly come back stronger than you were before.

As a recently retired teacher who spent forty years in the classroom, the current situation in our schools tears at my heart. Covid caused a myriad of problems, but there were quite a few issues to deal with even before the pandemic hit.

I wish more people would rally behind the importance of educating our children. These are the future of our nation. They will be the ones who build the structure of our society and form the character of our people. I hope in the next few years we can come back from the knowledge deficit that Covid caused, and I hope we will put in place measures to help with the mental health issues that we see because of the pandemic, but I hope we also address some of the following issues.

Teachers are overworked and underpaid

I am always amazed when I hear someone say that teachers have it easy. My daughter told me about a man she knows who wanted to sell real estate, but he failed the exam three times, so he said he was going to become a math teacher. I guarantee you this man has no idea what the day in the life of a math teacher is like. Many teachers don’t even have a break at lunch. There are supervision duties, and at some point, during the day, you have to communicate with parents and plan for the next day.

Classrooms are overcrowded

It takes a special teacher to adequately teach 30-40 children in one class, and many of those teachers are leaving because they have had enough. If you are a quiet child or a student with special needs, you could be lost in the crowd.

We need ongoing teacher training and mentoring programs

Teachers are often hired and thrown into the classroom without enough support and training. Staff training and support from veteran teachers can help.

Let teachers focus on teaching

There are so many extras to a teacher’s job. A teacher might be expected to do supervision, coach, do a club, run the yearbook, and any number of additional expectations. When Covid hit teachers were given more duties when they were already struggling.

Let teachers have a voice in decisions that affect them.

Crucial decisions about the classroom are often made by administrators who do not play an active role in the classroom. Give the teachers the feeling that they have a voice and that they matter in the process.

Hire counselors to focus on mental health

It’s no secret that our children are suffering and we need counselors who can address their mental health. Many schools ask counselors to wear so many different hats that they don’t have time for the job they were originally hired to do.

I am in my second year of retirement, and my husband’s prediction that I would be busier in retirement than I was working is sometimes true. The difference is that anything I am doing now is my choice. I have been surprised by some of the misconceptions that I have heard from people who are still working, so I thought I would address a few.

Don’t you miss being around people?

This is only my opinion, but some people can be exhausting to work with and relationships with them can be difficult to navigate. In retirement, I can choose the people with whom I want to spend time. I have the time to be with family and nurture my friendships.

Do you just sit around all day?

I now have the time to do all the things I never could do when I was working. I am running, biking, working in the garden, taking care of my grandson, swinging in the hammock, playing my guitar, and a million other things. At the end of the day, I always wish I had more time.

Do you and your husband drive each other crazy because you are together so much?

My husband still works, and although he works from home, he tells me that he loves knowing I am in the house somewhere. He can come up from his office and tell me about what is going on in his world. When I was working if you wanted to talk to me it had to be quick.

Do you miss working?

I was a teacher and I miss interacting with the children, but I do not miss always being exhausted from all the extra things that teachers are expected to do. I have the freedom to travel and do things without worrying about work commitments.

These are a few of the questions I have been asked. I hope they have helped you to see that retirement can be what you make it. It has been wonderful for me.

My husband has what I consider to be the perfect attitude about life and people. I have a great deal to learn from him because I worry too much about what people think, I’m highly emotional, and sensitive, and want to please everyone. I have days when I feel like my mental state is the eye of the storm while my husband is the calming breeze that comes after. Here are some of the comments he has said that has helped me put things in perspective.

I wanted the whole family to spend some time together during the holidays, so my oldest rented a cabin in the mountains for us to spend three days together. I was so excited that everyone would be under one roof, but then both my son and youngest daughter said they didn’t want to go. When I told my husband he said, “Oh well, I guess they will miss all the fun.” I realized he was right to have that attitude because why would I want to force someone to spend time somewhere that they would not want to be? We will have a great time anyway.

He never cares about what someone might think about him. He told me once, “I like who I am, so other people can choose to like me or not. I’m not going to change to please someone else. Maybe we should all strive to have that confidence and realize that no matter what we do, someone will judge us, and it doesn’t really matter.

Do you know the line in the Justin Bieber song that says, “My mama don’t like you, and she likes everyone.”? The only people my husband doesn’t like are someone who has hurt a member of his family. He never judges, and he greets everyone with joy and humor. More laughter might be the medicine we all need.

My husband knows how to let negative junk go. If it isn’t going to make him or his loved ones happy, he turns away from it and focuses on the positive. What if we all tried to do that more? Could you interact with people with more joy and love? Can you let go of what drags you down and focus more on what makes you happy? I don’t know about you, but I am going to give it my best shot.

                                            

When my oldest was pregnant with my grandson, she would talk about what she was going to do after the baby was born, and it was obvious she did not think her life was going to change at all. I wasn’t sure how to tell her she was going to feel every emotion, have to multitask and be creative with little sleep, manage baby excretions with horrific smells, and listen to everyone’s opinion and judgment on how to parent while questioning whether you were ever doing anything right as you do your best to help a tiny human to thrive. I told her, “Jess, parenting is messy.”

Parenting is so much more than changing diapers or picking the right school, and it lasts a lifetime. People say, “The terrible twos”, but that age pales in comparison to the teenage years and beyond. Surviving parenthood requires a lot of creativity and some mind tricks. Let me share what has worked for me.

Distraction

This works at any age in any situation. If a toddler falls and starts to cry, do something to distract him. Also never react when it’s a tiny bump or fall. They will see your face, and even if it didn’t hurt, they will start to wail if you show emotion. If a teenager is angry, change the topic and distract.

Use questions

My children want life advice all the time, but I think they are the ones to make those decisions, so instead of telling them what I think they should do, I ask questions that guide them to an answer that fits their needs. Let’s say the question is “Mom, should I stay at my job, or look for something new?” If I give my opinion, and it ends up not being the right answer, I could be blamed, so I ask questions about the job and how it affects her life until she makes her own conclusions.

Give choices

Whenever possible give choices instead of telling a child what to do. If he can make a choice, he has had input in his decision, and will not resent being told what to do.

Use the element of surprise

You don’t want to be too predictable. Keep your children guessing so that they will never be sure what new type of consequence might be in store for them.

Maintain a united front

Children like to divide and conquer, so make sure you support each other when it comes to certain situations.

I hope these ideas help. Don’t be discouraged. Parenting is hard, but you are not alone, and you don’t have to be perfect to be a good parent.  

That broken feeling

Have you ever felt you were not strong enough for the struggle on a particular day? It doesn’t matter if your struggle is great or small or what caused it. I think we all have those moments when we feel like we have been knocked to our knees and are unsure how to solve the problem and stand back up. Here are a few ideas that might help.

Put it in perspective

The chances are pretty good that whatever you are dealing with could be much worse. Look around and see what other people are dealing with, and often our issues suddenly don’t look as bad.

Find the positive

Instead of focusing on all the negatives involved in your issues, make a list of everything you are grateful for, and also think about what you might be able to learn from the experience.

Make a battleplan

Life is all about getting back up when you are knocked down, learning from setbacks, and coming back stronger. Brainstorm ideas on how you can solve any issues and make improvements.

Distract yourself

Instead of drowning in emotions, distract yourself by doing something. Go to the gym, cook breakfast, and watch a comedy. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you can snap out of the negativity.

Ask for advice

Find someone who has already gone through what you are struggling with. Listen to the advice of someone who has overcome and adapt it to your situation.

Take things a step at a time

If you are feeling broken or overwhelmed, slow down and take one day at a time and conquer one task at a time.

Be kind to yourself

Treat yourself as if you are your best friend. Use positive, kind words. Be proud of what you have accomplished, and give yourself grace as you work on improvements.

Most of the dogs I have had have been happy to be fed, loved, and showered with attention. Although they were all very important to me, I cannot say that they were demanding at all. When our dog Bandit arrived, all that changed. Suddenly, I had a dog who was very needy and who needed a physical outlet and mental stimulation. I am so thankful that I have a friend who is a dog trainer who helped teach me what Bandit needed. I wish I could go back and apologize to my other dogs because I think many of the techniques that I use with Bandit would have helped most breeds of dogs.

Several months ago, I explained to my husband that Bandit didn’t only enjoy physical activity, he had to have it to release some of his energy and anxiety. I looked at him and said, “Why do you think running is so important to me?” My husband has been taking Bandit to a huge open field where he throws the frisbee as far as he can and watches Bandit tear after it. He videotaped him in action, and told me, “Jen, you are not going to believe how fast he can run. It is unbelievable!” He is also amazed that the dog will seem tired after an outing, but after a short car ride home, he is ready to go again. As a man who loves sports, John admires Bandit for his athletic ability. I do my best to make him move as much as possible during the day.

Bandit does well with routines and the tasks involved in those routines. In the morning, we head out to run around for a minute, and then he races over and brings in the paper. He is always conflicted on Sunday because there are two papers and he wants to do his job, but how does he carry both?

He loves practicing commands, and I take him through all of them every day. He can be very distracted, so if he is off task, I first say, “Bandit, focus!” He will look at me and then I will give his command.

It is very important to him to know what is expected of him, and he wants to please us. I am going to do my best to keep learning how to keep him engaged while working both his body and his mind.

It’s true that my first two children survived childhood, but I made so many mistakes throughout the years. I think I have done many things better with my third child, and one of the parenting skills I have tried to improve the most is listening well.

When my two oldest children wanted to talk there were usually a million other events happening at once. I was always tired, overwhelmed, and distracted. One of the moments that stands out for me was when my daughter was trying to tell me about a teacher behaving badly. Jessica’s fourth-grade teacher told us that she was having difficulty reading, and she would like to suggest that Jess be tested for a learning difference and that during the reading period of the day Jess would work with the students who had learning differences. We said yes and the testing said that Jess was mixing up letters when she read, so we agreed to have her work with the special education teacher. One day, Jess told me the teacher had been yelling at them. I told her it was never o.k. for a teacher to yell, but maybe she was having a bad day. Jess told me the same thing the next day. I’m ashamed to say that she didn’t really have my attention until she told me the teacher called her a liar. I pulled her out of that class immediately, and we had a meeting to make sure she never interacted with that teacher again. We moved at the end of the school year, and we gave the testing documentation to the new school, and they told us Jessica’s school had not done complete testing, and the new testing did not show any need for special education resources. I wish I had been more attentive to what Jess was telling me from the beginning.

I also did a horrible job of hearing Jess when she told me she was depressed. I saw it as a lack of gratitude because in my eyes we were giving her everything she could want. We eventually took her to therapy, but I listened and understood depression much better by the time my youngest expressed the same feelings.

When my children want to talk now, I am a different listener. I focus on them without multi-tasking. I don’t interrupt, I don’t judge, I ask questions, and I tell them what I think, but I always tell them they are the only ones who can make the big decisions in their lives. My youngest wanted to talk yesterday morning when we had both just come down for breakfast. I didn’t turn the television on or do anything else. I sat at the breakfast counter, turned toward her, and listened. My husband came up from his office, looked up at the black television, looked at us, and said, “oh.” My oldest daughter will call me and say, “Mom, can I just tell you everything I have been doing?” That translates to her wanting me to listen.

Our children need us even though they might not admit us. Life is more convenient, but it is harder in many ways than when we grew up. I think listening to your children is one of the most important things you can do.