When the topic of using the correct pronoun first became popular, I was confused. My first question was if I’m addressing a person why would I use any other pronoun than you? If we are talking about respecting someone, in this case concerning a choice of gender, isn’t it simpler to agree to respect people in general by speaking to them directly and not in the third person?

My husband and I went into a Starbucks where the baristas had name tags that told their pronouns. I again had questions when one name tag said Sheila’s pronouns were she and they. I have to ask how can Sheila be they if she is only one person. When I told my husband I didn’t understand, he said, “Honey, I don’t think I even remember what a pronoun is.” I hope he was kidding.

Before you say I have missed the whole point, let me assure you that I understand, and I believe everyone has the right to be whoever they choose to be. I also understand how difficult that can be. There are societal and family norms that can restrict the search for identity, and haters are everywhere no matter who you choose to be.

I think we have lost our minds when it comes to identity, and in my humble opinion, a lot of that comes from social media. Social media platforms can attack your view of who you are and harm your mental health, whether it is the barrage of ads and videos telling you how you should look or act, or the judgments about posts, likes, and followers. You can lose yourself instead of seeing the beauty of who you are meant to be.

Make your search for your identity less complicated. Forget about who everyone else wants you to be. What will make you happy? Be that person. No matter what you do there will be haters and people who don’t want your happiness, but there are also genuinely good people who will lift you up. Find them and leave the negative energy behind.

I love this time of the year because it feels as if you can reinvent yourself, reflect on what you should keep and what you should change, and generally make yourself better. You can make new goals or continue with some old ones. While many people make general resolutions, this year I am making one general goal with a few more specific goals related to the general one. This year, I am going to work on fixing the broken pieces.

Most years, I say that I am going to do my best to improve and be the best I can be, but this year has shown me that If I want to live my best life, I need to address some specific areas of my life where I have been too passive. I am actually pretty excited about making a few changes because it makes me feel like I am finally standing up for myself instead of only going with the flow and trying not to make any waves. Let me tell you how I plan to do this.

I have always made a vision board where I put photos and goals of what I want to accomplish for the year, but in the past, the board has been hidden behind some flowers and I never really focused on it. Today, I cleared away a spot where it is in clear sight, and I will be focusing on what I am hoping to achieve.

I am going to be more assertive about my wants and needs. I don’t mean I am going to be a diva, but if there is something I would like to do I am going to express myself instead of saying, “I’m o.k. with whatever you want.”

I will do a better job of surrounding myself with the right people instead of allowing the wrong people to hurt me. I am also going to be more vocal when I feel that I have been disrespected even if it is coming from family and friends. I stay quiet too often.

I am going to have a better workout plan that is varied and fun. I tend to get stuck in the same routine, and I think it will be better for my body to add some variety.

I am going to amp up my positive attitude. When a negative thought comes in, I am going to flip it and be positive about it. I am also going to manifest more by saying what I want to happen as if it is already a reality.

I am going to have a more chill attitude in general. I am very sensitive, and I worry about everything, but I love my husband’s attitude. When something goes wrong he says, “Oh well.” And then he focuses on something else. He doesn’t allow negative energy to affect him.   

I am going to laugh more and do as much as I can with family and friends.

Well, cheers to 2023. I hope all your wishes come true!

I have a friend who in my humble opinion is an extraordinary visual artist. She recently told me that she doesn’t like it when people tell her she is gifted because it implies that what she does comes naturally and easily. Her point was that she works very hard to be successful with her art, and although she enjoys the fact that someone thinks she is talented, she also wants them to understand how much time and effort went into her work. I have been amazed at how hard she works. I receive an e-mail each time she has produced a new piece, so I know she is creating new works faster than Danielle Steele comes out with another novel.

My son’s girlfriend is well-known in the young art world. She has designed album covers and merchandise for musicians, and her website is always selling out of products. My son tells me that she is up early, and works non-stop. She travels often to art shows and has had to deal with others copying her work more than once. I can also tell you that she is gifted.

It can be frustrating to be a creative because people often want to have your work for free. When I first started writing, I read some advice that said a writer should create a writer’s footprint which means that someone should be able to google your name and instantly see your articles. He suggested that you might sometimes have to work for free to make that happen. I agree that the more visibility you have, the more readers you can attract, but what other job asks the workers to work for free?

Being a creative means you are going to have those days when you question your ability. You start asking yourself those harmful questions like, “Am I good enough, or am I wasting my time?” I really hope I’m not the only one who does that! One day I was a little down, and I told my husband that I was discouraged because I couldn’t figure out how to make more money with writing. He looked at me with his usual astonished look which says, “Why don’t you understand this?” and said, “Why do you write?” I replied, “Because I want to help people, and because I have to. An idea enters my mind and demands that I put it on paper.” He said, “Then why do you care how much money you make?” I think the answer is that I mistakenly equate my success with how much I earn. I have been working very hard at this. I often write 2 articles a day, but I have not figured out how to make money with them. Even though it isn’t profitable for me I have to keep doing it because it is my form of expression.

Another friend is a graphic artist who struggles with a variety of health issues and mental health, but he has always refused to give up on his dream. I told him once that maybe he needed to have a regular job to help him financially, but he told me that would interfere with his creativity. He recently is finding all sorts of success including designing an album cover for a Grammy-nominated band. All that hard work and talent will eventually break through that wall.

What do you think? Can a creative make it with talent alone, or does that talent have to be supported by hard work?

Have you ever noticed that people often copy the actions of others? I might hold the door open for someone coming out behind me, and then I see several other people do the same thing. It also happens with acts of kindness. I paid for a man’s breakfast at Mcdonald’s, and he paid for the woman behind him. This is called a domino effect, which happens when a type of behavior activates a chain reaction. It’s as if we only need a small reminder to do something good, to treat each other with kindness and respect.

The domino effect can also have an impact on our personal lives. One action we take can cause another one to happen. An example would be if I make a commitment to eat better, I will start to feel better which can help me be more focused and productive. One action can cause other positive ones to occur which causes the domino effect.

Goldilocks is an example of a negative domino effect. Goldilocks enters a cottage in the woods that belongs to three bears. She makes a series of decisions that lead to other decisions that all have negative consequences. The same thing can happen in life. Our choices will lead to consequences caused by those choices, so it makes sense to head down the positive path so our domino effect can reap benefits for us.

We can see the domino effect on a global scale as well. When a woman was arrested in Iran and died in captivity, it began a domino effect. More and more people have been rebelling against the treatment of women. It took an action to cause a reaction that could be a catalyst for change.

Imagine that you can make a powerful change with one action whether that is holding open a door, saying thank you, fighting for social change, or making a change in your life. One action that can affect so much. Isn’t it worth giving it a try?

I heard an awful story on the news yesterday about a mom who was on the third floor of the mall with her son when a man approached her, grabbed her son, and threw him over the railing. The boy survived and recovered after a long series of surgeries and rehabilitation. That would be enough to grab your attention, but what struck me the most was the attitude of the mother. Many parents would be bitter, and angry, and some would consider violence toward the man who had thrown a child three flights. The mother said she forgave the man, and the reason she forgave him was that she refused to let him steal her joy. She wasn’t going to let him take up any more space in her life.

That thought is inspirational to me because we all let some things or people take up space in our lives when we should fill it with what brings us joy. What are the things or people that cause you emotional turmoil? You will know the answer to that by doing a gut check. When a person’s name comes up do you smile or cringe? When you think about a task do you become excited, or do you sigh with apprehension? When I did karate, our sensei wanted us to go to competitions. When I asked one of my friends why she was not going to go she said, “Whenever I think about whether I should go, my stress level goes through the roof, so that tells me I should not do it.”  

Maybe it is time to think about what is taking up our space. Is it filled with what brings us joy, or do we have to eliminate a few things to make space for something better? It might be time to do some deep cleaning.

Ask yourself the following questions. Is the person causing you unhappiness worthy to be your friend? Does she have the same values and interests as you do? Do you enjoy being with her? Do you admire her? Why? If someone is causing you emotional turmoil, she is not a friend. I always give someone too many chances to treat me better, but I’m actually giving her more chances to hurt me by continuing to interact with her. I don’t have to be hateful to another person, but if she does not make me happy in some way, I am not obligated to include that person in my life, and I especially should not make efforts to include her if she has disrespected me. I can forgive her and pray for her, but I don’t have time for hurtful actions.

It can be tricky sometimes to tell the difference between a friend and a manipulator. A friend supports you and is happy for your success, a manipulator uses you when she has a need. She is judging you one minute, hugging you, and telling you she loves you the next. Please don’t fall for it.

We all have value, and we deserve to be treated well and celebrated. Don’t chase after the people who don’t do that.

We all have moments when we want someone to listen to our complaints. We say we need to vent and let it out, but do negativity and complaining really make us feel better? I know in my own experience it actually makes me feel worse. The article, How Do Thoughts and Emotions Affect Health from The Earl E Bakken Center for Spirituality and Healing says, “Poorly managed negative emotions are not good for your health. Negative attitudes and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness can create chronic stress which upsets the body’s hormone balance, depletes the brain chemicals required for happiness, and damages the immune system. Chronic stress can actually decrease our lifespan. (Science has now identified that stress shortens our telomeres, the “end caps” of our DNA strands, which causes us to age more quickly.) Poorly managed or repressed anger (hostility) is also related to a slew of health conditions, such as hypertension (high blood pressure), cardiovascular disease, digestive disorders, and infection.”

So why do we complain? It’s possible that we do it because of our own feelings of inadequacy. We don’t feel as if we responded well to a situation, or were not treated in the way we think we deserved. We cast blame somewhere else to make ourselves feel better.

Another problem with negativity is it can become an addiction and cloud the way we see things. Instead of seeing the light of the positive, we start to see everything through a negative haze. Negativity is highly contagious, so one small complaint tends to grow until the complaining becomes a venomous litany of how much of a burden life can be.

How do you help someone back to a more positive and healthier attitude? Another quote from the Earl E. Bakken Center gives us hope. “Emotional resilience is like a rubber band — no matter how far a resilient person is stretched or pulled by negative emotions, he or she has the ability to bounce back to his or her original state.” Here are a few things to do to turn your negatives into positives.

Pause before you express a negative thought. Is expressing that thought going to help you? If not, find another thing to say. Do not blame others.

Express your emotions by journaling or with a good friend. Ask for feedback.

Practice positive self-talk.

Work on being more grateful for what you have.

Take the time to sit somewhere quiet and do deep breathing exercises.

Seek professional help if your negativity is out of control.

I hope these ideas help you to turn negative thoughts around to live a more positive life.

I am often asked where I find my ideas for my writing, and I always reply that they come from a variety of sources. Let me tell you a few in the hopes that it will help you with your writing.

What people say

Writers have to be good listeners because what people are saying could be your next best article. One of my most popular running articles was because of a conversation I had with my husband after my first marathon. I was saying that it had been difficult for me to run a long-distance race after being used to running 3-mile and 6-mile races. The pace was different, and the nutrition and hydration were a learning experience. He nodded his head and said, “The marathon is an entirely different beast.” That was the title of my article to help runners who were doing their first marathon. Listen to conversations, television and movies, and commercials. Ideas are everywhere.

Use books

Most writers have specialty areas that they write about. If you are running low on ideas, pick up a book about your favorite subject and look through the table of contents. Is there any topic that sounds like you could expand on it? Also, write notes while you are reading. I often have ideas pop up while I am reading.

While exercising

Some of my best ideas come while I am running. It’s probably because I can clear my head, and no one is talking to me. I have a whiteboard in my office, so when I think of an idea, I run inside and write it down. Take a walk and see if it helps your mind to start working through some ideas.

Observing people

I always say that as long as there are people around me I could never be bored. I like to watch people interact, and as I am watching them, I imagine what their lives are like.

Friends and family

My loved ones like to give me ideas, and most of the time they are good ones.

I hope these ideas help you on your way to some great writing.

Any time I start to have a pity party about something negative that I am being foolish enough to focus on, I suddenly see someone with a much bigger challenge than I have. I watch this person carry on despite the challenge, and I always end up feeling inspired and grateful that I do not have something greater to deal with. I often have these experiences at the gym. Let me give you a few examples.

I am rehabbing a torn meniscus and I am still not 100% after four months. For someone who loves to run as much as I do that can seem like an eternity, so today while I was on the elliptical machine I started to feel sorry for myself, and of course, within two minutes I was watching my latest inspiration walk through the door. He was a young man and I watched him walk across the parking lot with slow steps and one foot turned in. He stopped at the curb and hesitated. It looked as if he was willing his brain to make his feet work correctly. He came in and headed straight to the elliptical. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and was thinking about all the people who make excuses about improving their health, but this man was showing up even though he had challenges. That kind of grit and determination inspires me.

I am also inspired at the gym by the people who bust through setbacks like injuries. I was watching a man show his wife how to do some hip strengthening exercises I had never seen before, and since I am supposed to do hip exercises to help my knee I wanted to ask him some questions. He told me he was a former military and he had had 13 knee surgeries. I asked him what he did to get back to normal, and he said it was important to start working it as soon as you could to keep the blood flowing, then you worked on strengthening the surrounding muscles. He told me not to be discouraged and that I would be fine. I needed to hear that because I was feeling a little broken that day.

The third form of inspiration I find at the gym is the people who take the time to encourage others. I was watching a trainer work with a young man, and I told her I wish I could move like that. She later saw me doing part of my routine and gave me some positive comments to encourage me.

If you want some inspiration and motivation, head to your local gym and watch people crush their challenges.

I was saddened by the death of Stephen “Twitch” Boss, and although I know most people would say he had everything to live for, none of that matters when you start believing what your demons are saying to you. We see people like him and wish we could be that happy, talented, and successful, but we have no idea what is going on internally. Twitch’s wife Allison said, “Stephen lit up every room he stepped into. He valued family, friends, and community above all else, and leading with love and light was everything to him.” He seemed happy and positive, but even people like him hear the voices that tear us down. They say things like, “I’m not good enough”, and “I can’t do anything right.” They focus on mistakes from the past without being able to give themselves grace and move on. They do not see the amazing qualities that we see in them. I have a friend who is stunning in appearance, and she is just as beautiful on the inside. She is funny, intelligent, and caring, but she suffers from very low self-esteem and sees a therapist regularly to help her with her identity. Why does she not see what others do?

Most families have seen the destruction that mental health battles can cause. My oldest sister began to drink away her loneliness after her partner died. One glass with dinner turned into a bottle, and one of the causes of death on her death certificate was alcohol addiction. My mother-in-law is an incredible woman, but she has bipolar disorder and since she does not take medication, you can never be sure which version of her will show up. I sometimes let the demons whisper before I can chase them away. I become depressed and consumed with negative thoughts that are usually not supported by truth.

So if we can agree that we shouldn’t let the demons whisper in our ears, what can we do to keep them silent? Here are a few ideas I hope will help.

Talk to people when you are struggling

This is so important because releasing your problem and sharing it is the first step to finding help. A healthcare professional is your strongest resource. You can call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org. If you are not ready to speak to a professional, reach out to a friend. Sometimes, having someone validate your feelings, or straighten out your truth is all you need. There are crisis hotlines in your area, and online groups to help you.

Surround yourself with positive people

Negativity will pull you down in an instant, and although positive people won’t guarantee that you avoid sad thoughts, they often can lift you up if you are feeling down. They also are good at making people feel special.

Change the negative voices to positives.

Work at proving the voices wrong. When you hear self-attacking thoughts, look at the validity of what they are saying. Most of the time, those negative thoughts are blown out of proportion.

Be your best friend

Celebrate your success even if you don’t plaster it all over social media. Be happy about what you can do and talk to yourself kindly.

Manage stress

Stress and fatigue are friends with your demons. You don’t think clearly when you are tired and stressed. Do your best to get enough rest, exercise, meditate, and find a peer support group, or therapy.

Eat well

Eat foods that sustain blood sugar levels. Keep your energy stable with lean proteins, nuts, and fish.

Practice gratitude

Instead of having a pity party and thinking about all the negatives in your life, list all the things you are grateful for.

Help others

The fastest way to forget about your issues is to help someone else with theirs. Focus on the needs of others, and yours don’t look so bad anymore.

I hope these ideas help you, and please reach out to someone if the demons are whispering in your ear.