There are many forms of abuse, and they are all equally destructive. I have always thought that emotional abuse was one of the worst forms because it is easily hidden and hard to prove. Those being abused often blame themselves or don’t say anything because they don’t think anyone will believe them.

What does emotional abuse look like? It comes in a variety of forms, but the usual goal of an abuser is to tear down his target making the person feel useless, without value, a good for nothing. The weapons of an abuser are control, manipulation, deceit, isolation, and critique.

An abuser can be a master manipulator who sees using people as a game. He can be charming and funny, and no one would ever suspect that he has dark moods or anger issues. Imagine when someone is being abused by a charmer, and someone says, “He is so funny. You are so lucky to know him.”

An abuser uses every opportunity to critique the person being abused. Nothing the person being abused does is ever good enough. When a friend’s father passed several years ago he told me, “I feel so guilty, but I am relieved he is gone. I don’t have to listen to him telling me everything I do is wrong.”

Emotional abuse can be devastating, and although it doesn’t leave physical signs it can be debilitating to our mental health. If you are being emotionally abused please reach out to someone you trust for help.

What does it take to light your creative fire? What do you need to motivate you to create? Are there people in your life who try to extinguish those flames?

The life of a creative can be a roller coaster ride because one minute we can have a million great ideas, and at other times we question whether what we do has value. So with those conflicting feelings, how can you keep the creative fires burning? Here are a few ideas and observations.

Remember your why

Ask yourself why you want to create whatever your art form is. Do you need to create it to express yourself? As a writer, I have specific ideas that keep coming back and percolating in my brain until I write them out. Do you use your art to help others? All the art forms are healing both for the artist and the artist’s audience. Do you like the idea of a creative lifestyle? I always thought it would be amazing to create, but when it worked for me instead of working 9–5. I’m sure there are many other answers just keep your answer in view.

Document your success

On the rough days when you question your ability, it helps to have some proof that your art has made a difference. Keep notes from people who have let you know your creative talent has made a difference in your life. Have that documentation accessible so you can prove to yourself that you need to keep on creating.

See haters for who they are

Haters are looking for attention and they love drama. They are not interested in giving you a valid critique of your work that might help you grow your craft. If you engage with a hater and allow your emotions to run the show, you are fueling the hater’s fire, not yours.

Guard your energy

Where do you want to expend your energy? Decide how to answer this by deciding what brings you joy and what will fill your needs either financially or creatively.

After my third book was published I started to receive requests to come talk about writing and publishing. Opportunities like this can be one more way to put your name out there, it can be a way to serve your community, but it is also a time sucker. Ask yourself if it is worth it to do an event for free when you could have been creating.

Know Your Value

When I first started writing I read some advice that said every writer needs to create a writer’s footprint which means that you need to get your work published, so publishers can find you. This can mean doing work for free. I agree that if you want to build a portfolio doing work for free can be an easy way to do it, but at a certain point, you need to realize what your work is worth and say no to work without payment.

Don’t let the non-believers stop you

I have a close family member who thinks I am just playing with my writing. He makes depreciating comments that tell me he doesn’t take my writing seriously. This actually makes me want to work harder to be successful. I am going to prove I can make my dream a reality. If this sounds familiar to you keep moving forward.

Have fun

Nothing motivates me more than the feeling of excitement when I start a new project. Have fun with your creations.

In this day and age, we need inspiration and creativity. You can make a difference so keep moving forward.

Women often talk about wanting more equality with men, but sometimes the barriers in our way need to be torn down by us. We sometimes have some issues with the way we react to the success of another woman.

Have you ever felt guilty when you share an accomplishment with someone? That could be because we have heard and seen the reactions of women when that happens, and it isn’t always pretty. A woman I know was complaining that so many women on Facebook were bragging. She thought it was shameful. Although I know I am being naïve I would like to think most of the people on my Facebook feed are family and friends who would celebrate any success with me. Isn’t it more shameful to judge someone for sharing the joy of doing something extraordinary?

What if instead of feeling jealous when someone tells us about being successful at something we celebrated the person, and asked her advice on what works for her if that is something we would like to try? It is beautiful to watch women who help each other succeed, and it’s ugly when the opposite happens.

How do you react when someone congratulates you on your success? Do you say “Thank you”, or do you need to add a self-deprecating remark because you feel uncomfortable? Most success doesn’t happen because of luck. It usually requires time and effort to make it happen. I am a runner, and I do races almost every weekend. I am not super-fast, but I’m fast enough to medal in my age group usually. I was posting how I did at each race but stopped doing it after several negative comments were made to me. I started just saying that I had done a certain race, but then I realized that I had every right to post how I had done, and maybe I might inspire someone else to run if she saw the joy it brought me.

As odd as it sounds there are people who will resent your success. Keep moving forward and enjoying the ride. Let negative people take ownership of their issues. It’s not your problem.

I wish you all success at whatever brings you joy. Be proud of your success, own it, and never apologize.

One of the reasons I love my office is that I am surrounded by things that make me happy, cause me to laugh, inspire me, and lift me up. There are photos/cards/words of wisdom/journals and many other things. I was sitting here thinking how important it is to surround ourselves with the things that matter because although life is glorious it can also beat you up sometimes, so being surrounded by great things can provide some cushion. Here are a few ideas of what you might want to have nearby.

Your go-to songs

Music has the power to change your mood in a heartbeat. Remember the last time one of your favorite songs came on and it instantly brightened your mood. You might have a song that you love to sing at the top of your lungs in the car or one that makes you dance in the kitchen.

Keep a few humorous things nearby

My dog loves to attack sticks. If you didn’t know how gentle and non-aggressive he is you would swear you are watching a crazed beast as he conquers the stick. My neighbors know how much it makes me laugh, so for my birthday they found me a card with a dog that looks just like my dog, and he is balancing a stick on his nose with the caption, “Hope nobody else got you a stick.” I keep it next to me on my desk.

Have something beautiful close to you.

I love flowers and bright colors, so I have two bouquets of roses. One is pink and one is yellow.

Have an I am pretty cool board

Put up proof of all the cool things you have done and accomplished. That way when you have a bad day you can look at the board and remember you are cool.

Keep a dream board

It’s always fun to have pictures of the future you want to have. Keep your eyes on the prize!

Post inspiration everywhere

I have pictures of strong women, words of affirmation, and words of wisdom to keep me on the right path.

Keep the cupboards stocked with your favorite food

Food is love and life, so have the food you love close by to share with others and enjoy yourself.

Your friend list

On the days when you feel alone start scrolling through your friend list. I’m hoping you will feel as blessed as I do.

Music has such powerful energy. When I feel a little lost, music saves me. Recently, life threw me a curveball, and I was feeling unsettled. I was sitting in my kitchen when suddenly I received an update notification from the photo app on my phone. I have never opened this app, and I had never received any notification from it. I also did not know that the app took photos from my gallery and made a video with music with the photos.

I opened the app and there was a video of a family trip we took in 2019 back to the area where I grew up. Not only were there photos of my daughter, granddaughter, and the beautiful area where I lived, but the video was also set to the most peaceful music. I could feel the stress leaving my body, and my emotions began to calm. I watched the video four times and felt so much better when it finished. Has music ever healed you that way?

Sometimes, the words in a song are exactly what I needed at that moment. I was thinking of doing something that was out of my comfort zone when I heard Pink’s song Trust Fall for the first time. If you haven’t heard the song it talks about breaking through fear and doing what you thought was impossible. “Do it. Just do it, and then the fear is gone.”

Music can motivate us when our energy is flagging. As a runner, I have been to many races when I wanted to stop, but the music pumped me up and kept me going. One half-marathon at a college had a band playing every two miles, and it made a big difference. I was running a marathon in New Orleans and the roads were torn up by Hurricane Catrina. Running on them took a toll on my legs, and at mile 13 my legs were already tired. At mile 13, you either entered the chute to finish the half-marathon, or you turned to the left and continued on the route for the marathon. I wanted to turn into that chute and be done, but Rocky was playing and I mean who gives up when Rocky is playing?

We associate memories with music. When we hear a certain song it reminds us of another time. It helps us remember important moments. We connect to the movie from our era and have a certain pride in it. I know I often tell my children, “I listened to that song growing up.”

Music sets the tone for performances of all kinds. When we are in the movies we know when something big is going to happen by the music. In a dance performance, the music adds to the beauty. Music can make us cry or laugh.

Music is inexpensive therapy. We can put on music that calms, motivates, or just makes us happy. The rhythms and tones seem to have a connection to our body’s energy. Music is a healthy way to improve our mental health.

We all have a rough idea of what we should eat as a healthy, balanced diet, but it isn’t always that easy to do. When we have a hectic lifestyle that may include a full-time job, children, school, and activities grabbing fast, easy-to-eat food sometimes takes the place of sitting down with a healthy meal. If eating healthy wasn’t enough of a challenge we are supposed to find time to exercise. Before we know it the numbers on the scale have risen too high, our clothes don’t fit, and we know it’s time for a change.

When this happens many of us turn to diets because we want the weight gone as soon as possible. We are looking for a quick fix, but do diets work?

Mercy Cedar Rapids Food and nutrition services says, “Diets are not associated with long-term weight loss moreover diets create a restrictive, controlling relationship with food. Those who attempt to manage their weight through restriction and deprivation often discover that these tactics may worsen a weight problem. Ditch dieting for an intuitive eating approach.”

They describe an intuitive eating approach as eating when you are hungry and stopping when you are full. You eat for physical not emotional reasons.

Robert H. Schmerling, MD. says “Talk to your doctor, a nutritionist, and perhaps a health coach. Review this study with them and, together, decide on dietary and other lifestyle changes that appeal to you. Then stick with them. Remember, you’re most likely to stick with lifestyle changes you actually like.”

Charlotte Markey writes in Scientific American, “Simple, slow, and steady: When setting a weight loss goal, it is natural to want to accomplish it immediately. Yesterday! But to maintain a more svelte figure, you need to make gradual, sustainable changes to your diet: for example, drinking less alcohol and juice, substituting diet soda or seltzer for regular soda, and eating dessert on four nights a week instead of seven. Making even small changes such as these may sound like a “diet,” which I have told you to avoid, but it is not, for one important reason: this slow, steady approach allows you to adjust to a new routine at your own pace without the intense effort and denial that typical diet plans require. Most people trying to lose five to 50 pounds will benefit from this slow-to-moderate approach to weight loss, but it is important to note that individuals whose health is at serious risk because of obesity will likely need more drastic measures and should consult a physician.”

Receiving a driver’s license is a rite of passage. It symbolizes freedom, independence, and hopefully responsibility to drive safely. When someone’s age, addiction, or distraction affects that ability to drive safely, the family and often the police have to step in to take away the keys. Although it’s a no-brainer when it comes to protecting the safety of both the driver and others it can be a complicated issue.

I know there are those who feel there should be an age when someone is no longer allowed to drive, but I disagree with that because we all age differently. If someone is driving dangerously or has impaired vision because of age the driver might need to surrender the keys. I know how difficult this decision is because you are taking away the freedom to travel, but you have to consider general safety. I grew up in a small town and there was a woman in her nineties who drove a car that looked more like a tank. She could barely see over the steering wheel. One day, she pulled into my dad’s gas station, the attendant filled her car with gas, and as she was leaving she hit a car that was on the side for repairs. She didn’t even know she had hit the car. She headed out and drove down the road. This was a regular occurrence because the mechanic turned to my dad and said, “I’ll take care of that.”

Addiction can impair driving judgment. My husband battled alcohol addiction, and he often says he is lucky he did not kill someone while on the road. He told me he was often drunk coming home from the airport after a business trip. One of the issues in this situation is that many people refuse to turn over the keys to a designated driver because they are sure they can handle it. What can we do to keep people whose senses are affected off the road before someone is hurt?

Distracted drivers can be as dangerous as a driver who is under the influence. We have all been sitting at the light when it changes and the driver in front doesn’t move until someone honks. Think of all the distractions we face. We are looking at GPS, incoming messages, changing the radio, watching what is happening around us, children in the car, and we are thinking of a million things. I have a family member who is a very distracted driver. He has driven through red lights because he was lost in thought, he feels he needs to make eye contact with you while he is speaking to you, he has run over curbs, and he likes to stare out the window at the scenery. He is an accident waiting to happen.

So what should the criteria be for when to take away the keys?

Have you ever been thinking about something, and when you ask a question you hear an answer in your mind? Two years ago, we lost our dog, and because of Covid it was more difficult to adopt at shelters, so I wasn’t sure where to look for our next dog. A voice in my head said, “It will come to you.” I took that as a message that I needed to be patient. Several months later, my neighbor said she was going to rescue a border collie. I asked my husband if we could see him, and before I knew it we had a new dog. Not only had he come to me, but it was a breed that I had always wanted to have.

Since I left teaching three years ago, I occasionally ask myself if I want to go back into the classroom. I was having my version of a conversation with God when I asked him to not open that door unless he wanted me to start teaching again. I said if he wanted me in the classroom I would go, but to please not let it be a possibility unless I was supposed to do it. That afternoon, something happened that proved to me I would not be happy going back to the job I was doing. I told my husband that God not only shut the door, he slammed it shut! I was a little sad because of the conviction that I was done with teaching, and I was scrolling through Facebook when words of encouragement were in front of me. It said, “Healing from the past wounds or past experiences sometimes feels hard, but don’t give up on yourself. Know that the trials and tests you go through are leading you to something better than before. No experience is ever wasted. Every challenge has a purpose. As soon as you figure out what it is, you will handle things better because you will be focused. You are loved.” The next morning, I was still a little down when I saw an update notification from my photo app. I have never opened this app, so I thought this was strange, and when I opened it there was a video collage from a family trip with the most peaceful music playing. I felt like it was a gift.

My family and I went to Goodwill to buy some books for my grandson. I had complained recently to my daughter that I was frustrated that I could not earn more money with my writing. When we were checking out the cashier looked at one of the books and said, “Oh, Richard Scarry. Do you know the story about his writing? This book was rejected 29 times, and then finally someone decided to publish it. He talks about refusing to give up on his dream and finally succeeding. I just think it’s something we should all remember.” My daughter was staring at me with a smile while the cashier was speaking. As we left my daughter said, “Well, if that wasn’t God talking to you, I don’t know what it was.”

 These are only three examples of the messages God can send. Stay open to the messages!

One of the topics everyone is talking about this summer is the heat. Even living in a city called Hotlanta has been a little warmer than usual. I also have been running quite a few races this summer, so it was crucial to find ways to stay cool while running.

Ultra marathons have always been races where I have had the most incredible learning experiences, and this summer was no exception. I ran an ultra the first and last weekend in July and I found several great ways to stay cool.

Facial misters

We discovered these when we were in Paris during a heat wave. They come in various sizes that you can hold in your hand or tuck away somewhere. During the ultras, I put mine in the bottom of our cooler, and when I needed to cool down I pulled the mister out of the ice, and I could spray myself with ice water. Our friends were in the tent behind us and they were struggling with the heat, so I passed them an extra Evian mister, and I heard my friend Chris say, “Whoa, this is a game changer!” She tells me that an Evian mister is always in her cooler now. You can find them in your pharmacy or on Amazon.

Headgear

One of the ultras was run completely on asphalt, so it was even hotter than if we were on a trail. I had several buffs that I had intended to keep cool and wear around my neck, but I saw a woman who had used it to cover her head, and she was putting ice into the buff. My husband had brought several plastic sandwich bags that we were filling with ice and putting in our hats.

Ice padding

A woman told me that she takes the round cold compresses and puts them in her sports bra.

Cold towels

I had several towels in the cooler that I could put around my neck, or use on my face.

Bio freeze

I developed a heat rash on the backs of my legs. We had a running coach in the tent next to us, and she asked me if I wanted her to spray my legs with bio freeze. I would never have imagined that as a cure for heat rash, but it felt amazing.

Ice water

We had a cooler filled with ice, water, and an electrolyte drink. The water was ice cold, and not only did it taste amazing to drink, but it was also great to put on the back of my neck.

Those are some things that helped us stay cool physically, but we all know that staying cool mentally during a run can be just as important as the physical aspect. Have you ever run a race where your performance was affected by your ability to focus and not give up despite the circumstances? I had a situation like this last Saturday.

I race regularly with my friend Raleigh. We meet at the local grocery store and ride together. Usually, one of us sends a quick text to say something like, “Are you ready to run?” On Saturday, I did not send a text. I arrived at the grocery store and waited. Several minutes after our meeting time I texted Raleigh to see what was wrong. He texted back to say his alarm had not gone off. He made it in record time and we headed off to the race. When we turned into the park there was a long line of cars. We parked a mile away and then hurried to pick up our bibs. We had ten minutes until race time, but after 40 minutes in the car, I needed to use the bathroom even though the line was long. As I came out a man said the race had just started, so I sprinted to the start line. There were 2,000 people at the race, and I started dead last. The 2,000 people were all trying to fit on a tiny sidewalk, so to pass people I often had to run off the path in the mud and puddles. There was a woman walking with a cane, and as I passed her she swung the cane behind her and almost hit me in the knees. At one point, I thought that I should just accept that there were too many people and I had started too late, but then I decided to have fun and do my best. At mile two the crowds finally thinned a bit and I only had to dodge around people here and there. There were dogs, strollers, small children, and lots of mud and puddles, but it was fun to see everyone having fun. By some miracle, I came in first in my age group! It pays to stay cool even when things don’t look too promising.

I have always been in love with language. When I was in elementary school I used to make up funny rhymes, and in high school, writing helped me make it through a few essays I wasn’t prepared for. Language saved me in middle school and high school in the form of reading. Our town had a massive stone library that looked like a castle complete with a very scary basement where the bathrooms were located. I was socially awkward at that time, so losing myself in a book in an amazing environment was helpful.

I often dreamed of how wonderful it would be to be a writer, but I didn’t think I was good enough, and I didn’t think it would be practical because I needed a regular paying job. I taught for 40 years and during that time I wrote as often as I could, and I managed to publish a teacher’s guide, write a regular running column, and publish in many magazines, but teaching was time-consuming, so I am happy that now that I’m retired I have more time to write.

I am feeling blessed that I have been very busy with my writing lately. I write for a local magazine called Community Spirit, so every other month I write an article about fitness for them. I also have a blog with an online parenting magazine called Screamin Mamas, and I have my own blog called Jennifer’s Writing. I used to write for our local paper and several magazines and although it was great to have my articles published, most of that work was for free, and I decided it wasn’t where I wanted to place my energy anymore. I write for two online sites now, I have three published books, a fourth will be out in three months, and I am writing the fifth now. My taste in everything is eclectic, so I have a teacher’s guide, a self-help, a children’s book, a running book, and the fifth is fiction.

I wrote each of my books for a specific reason. The first one Stay Away From The Girl’s Bathroom is a teacher’s guide that I wrote because I heard several teachers saying they did not feel they were good teachers and they wished there was a guide for teaching. The final push was when a young teacher did a chapel speech on why you didn’t need to be great. As long as you were just good that was o.k. I think we owe our children an attempt at being as great as we can be. I tried to make the book humorous while putting in useful information for teachers. The title is because the girl’s bathroom at our school was the drama hub at our school. You didn’t go in there unless you had plenty of time and energy. Here is an excerpt from Stay Away From The Girl’s Bathroom. “Teaching is full of ironies. Here are some examples. Your school has adopted a new textbook which comes with a variety of supplemental activities. Your principal is certain you will be a better teacher now that you have a book with all the bells and whistles. Unfortunately, you have to read three 1,000-page instructional manuals in order to know how to use the new materials.

The night before a class, you spend four hours preparing a great activity for the internet only to find when you enter the class the server is down, and the internet is not available.”

I have a section called The Typical Day of a Teacher. I put many of the things that had gone wrong at one time or another, so everything being described happened to me only not on the same day.

My first book was the only one I was asked to put in a dedication

My second book, 101 Tips to Lighten Your Burden was written because I saw so many people struggling around me. Mental health was an issue for many before Covid, but it became even worse after the pandemic. I wanted to offer some short readings that were like having your best friend offer you some encouragement. I have had quite a few people send me notes saying one of the tips helped them. One was from a friend who runs ultra-marathons with me. I have always thought she was tough, but I knew she didn’t believe in herself. She always picked the shorter distance to run. One day she sent me a picture of the tip that says, “Believe you can. Many of us suffer from insecurities and would rather avoid trying something new and failing at it than being stagnant with what is comfortable. We cannot grow until we step out of our comfort zone, but often that first step is terrifying. Positive thinking can send out strong energy and when you use positive words of affirmation, it is amazing to see the results.” She ran the Marine Corps Marathon shortly after that.

My third book is a children’s book called What I Hope for You, A Grandmother’s Wishes. I wrote this book for my grandson Parker. My daughter said, “Mom it’s time to write a children’s book.” I sat down and thought about what type of life I hoped Parker would have. The writing flowed out of me, and it took me ten minutes to write it. I think God was sitting next to me to help. I would like the book to be something Parker can always have to remind him how much I love him. I would love to see other parents and grandparents use it the same way. The wishes are a combination of hopes for happiness, strong character, and life mixed with excitement, blessings, and a feeling of magic in everyday life. One of my cousins was recently killed in a car accident. Her daughter had given birth to her third child a week before the accident. The daughter sent me a video of her oldest reading the book to the other children. My cousin said, “They have already read it five times, they think it’s Nana talking.” Here is the beginning of the book. “Child of my heart, I am so grateful you are my grandchild. In the quiet moments, I cuddle you close and pray the life ahead of you is filled with blessings and happiness. There are so many things I hope for you.”

My fourth book will be out in three months, and it’s called The Healing Power of Running. This book is important to me because running has saved me many times both physically and mentally. Running is healing for me because it makes me calm and brings me peace. When my son was born with a bleeding blood vessel in his brain he had to have a brain operation when he was a week old. I was so overcome with emotion that five days after giving birth I was out running. When my husband was struggling with alcoholism I ran…a lot.

The book details how running has helped others as well. I am hoping the stories give people hope to know there are healthy escapes from the challenges we face.

During my time at races, I have heard countless stories of people who had a health challenge or illness. Instead of staying sad, these people decided to not only keep moving forward, but they also decided they were going to crush the challenge and end up stronger than before. Here are a few of the stories that stand out to me.

My friend Raleigh and I were at a small race called Run for the Son. We were waiting near the start when a man and his son approached us. The man said he was recovering from surgery and today was the last race where he had to wear a colostomy bag. I had complained I was tired that morning and that conversation put everything in perspective. After the race, another man approached us and told us that he had a condition where fluid built up on his brain. He had already had 15 operations to drain the fluid. He said he was running to show his daughters that they needed to stay positive and not give up.

Another race I will always remember was Run for Recovery, a race to support addiction recovery. We were leaving when I started talking to a man in the parking lot. He told me he would not be alive if it wasn’t for running. Running had given him something to focus on.

We also spoke to a woman at a race who had cancer. She said she ran to prove she was stronger than the disease.

I am also writing my first fiction book called The Hidden Treasure. Here is the plot.

Emily Randall’s father often told her and her brother of a treasure his relative Fiona Randal hid within their house. Fiona’s husband had made a fortune in the shipping industry, but he, unfortunately, died on one of his trips. In order to keep Rose Gate, Fiona had to marry her unsavory cousin. She wanted to have something to leave her son, so she hid the fortune at Rose Gate. Unfortunately, Fiona died in childbirth, and Fiona’s treasure was never found. Fortunately, though, her son made his own fortune.

Emily has not thought about the treasure for years, but when she is reunited with her best friends after marriage, they receive a visit from Emily’s cousin Lord James who claims her brother Henry has died in a shipwreck, and now Lord James will inherit Rose Gate.

The friends enlist the aid of a Duke, and Emily is determined to keep Fiona’s treasure out of Lord James’ hands while also saving Rose Gate. As Emily and Rylan explore both their strong attraction to each other and the possibility of treasure somewhere within the house, as well as the danger involved, they have to ask themselves if the real treasure is buried on the estate grounds or in their own hearts.

Writing brings me peace. I catch myself smiling as I play with words on the page. My best ideas come when I am running. I have a whiteboard on a podium in my office and when an idea hits me I run inside to write it down. Other ideas come from friends who say, “Jen, you need to write an article about this.” Sometimes, a conversation will spark an idea, or I will see something in the media. I never have a shortage of things to write about.