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10 Things to Know About Being a Parent

Most parents would agree that parenting is not easy, but is well worth the sleepless nights, baby spit as your cologne, and doing your best to ensure your child is loved and well cared for. There are a few things I wasn’t prepared for, and I hope if I tell you about my experiences it might help you realize we all struggle as parents.

#1 Babies rarely follow a schedule.

#2 The baby books will not prepare you for what is to come.

#3 You will have to learn the skills of psychology and manipulation to stay one step ahead.

#4 Your child’s pain will be your pain.

#5 When they go off to school, a friend’s house, on a date, or work, you will realize what your parents went through.  Your anxiety and worry level will rise.

#6 Other people might think they parent better than you. Don’t worry about it. Be your kind of parent.

#7 Children might try to play you, but listen closely to what they are saying to you because there may be something serious happening like bullying or depression.

#8 United we stand when it comes to decisions.

#9 Embarrasing things will happen when you are out in public. Instead of being horrified by what happens find the humor. Laughter eases a lot of tension.

#10 Soak up every moment both good and bad because in a heartbeat your child will be walking out your door to start her own adventure.

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Cigarettes, Wine, and a Broken Heart

My oldest sister Pat was always my voice of reason, and she always knew if something was bothering me. I loved sitting in her kitchen eating whatever she had made for me as a meal. She was my safe place, a comfy hug in a person. I also had a positive effect on her because something about my laughter was contagious for her. I would start to laugh, she would giggle and say, “No Jen! Don’t start!” then she would laugh so hard she couldn’t breathe.

My sister loved people and parties. She enjoyed listening to everyone’s stories and sharing the gossip later. She loved life, but an unfortunate series of events in her life, and some bad decisions about how to cope with these events wreaked havoc in her life.

My sister and brother-in-law were married for thirty years. At first, my father did not approve of my brother-in-law, and he was forbidden to see my sister. They eloped and my father told my mother that neither of them was allowed in our house ever again. It was several years and two children later before he agreed to allow my sister back into our house. It seemed like a beautiful love story to me. Two people who overcame challenges to be together.

After twenty years of working in hospital administration, my sister mentioned regularly that she was exhausted and wished she could retire, but she had to wait five more years to receive her pension. My brother-in-law told her she could retire and not to worry about finances. I remember she was so happy to be able to stop working.

I was at the gym one night when my sister called me. All she said was that I needed to come to her house right away. When I arrived, she said, “He wants a divorce.” I thought I heard her wrong but we eventually found out he was having an affair with a younger woman at work. We also discovered he had been cheating on her with various women throughout their entire marriage. She was not only going to lose her husband, but she was also going to struggle financially because she had lost her pension when he assured her, she could retire.

He stayed in the house for several more weeks and one day my sister noticed something strange in the laundry basket. When my mom died, my sister had taken many of her clothes. As my sister reached into the laundry basket to fold the clothes, she noticed that one of my mom’s blouses had blood over the heart. She yelled down to her husband and asked if he had gotten blood on the blouse, but he said he never touched it. My sister felt it was my mom expressing her sorrow.

After the divorce, her ex-husband married the younger woman who was catholic. She wanted the archbishop to annul my sister’s marriage. I couldn’t believe that would be considered after someone had been married for thirty years, but we all had to write letters, and thankfully the request was denied.

I am convinced my sister loved my brother-in-law until the day she died. She was already a smoker, but she increased the amount she smoked and began drinking a glass or two of wine to relieve the sadness.

The next blow came when she was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after the divorce. She was heartbroken and alone, facing a challenging treatment. I stopped by and brought her lunch one day, and she told me five years later that she was going to take her life that day, and what I said to her that day stopped her. I know God put me there that day and helped me find the right words.

My sister beat breast cancer and decided to do something to change things. She went out west to visit a man she had known for years, and they began a relationship. He moved in and lived with her for twenty years until he died of a massive heart attack. While I was trying to console her, I said that he had loved her. She answered, “I don’t think he did.” After his death, the one or two glasses of wine turned into a bottle a day. She was diagnosed with emphysema but continued to chain smoke.

She turned into an addict before my eyes, and I had no idea how to help her because the main cause of the addiction was an attempt to cope with a broken heart. She didn’t feel loved, and she went looking for the solution in the wrong places.

I will always wish that I had more time with my sister, and I wonder what I could have done to help her.

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A Peek inside a mother’s life

We all know that being a mother is a tough job that requires all your mental, physical, and emotional strength. We need to remember that mom’s need to share what they are experiencing, and they need encouragement and a hug occasionally. Let me give you a peek into a mom’s life when everything did not go according to plan.

My daughter has an 18-year-old stepson, a 17-year-old stepdaughter, and a three-year-old son with autism. One day last week, she was fighting the perfect storm when everything goes wrong at once. I received several calls that day that revealed the following.

  • The three-year-old’s ear had swelled up, and they thought it might be an allergy to peanut butter which is the only thing he likes to eat besides yogurt.
  • The 18-year-old received a concussion on Friday and hid it from his coach and parents because he wanted to hang out with his girlfriend on Sunday. The crazy began to percolate in my daughter, and reached the boiling point when her husband said the trainer said it wasn’t a big deal, so they shouldn’t worry. She called asking me what the protocol at my school for concussions was, and after hearing how it should have been handled, she made a doctor’s appointment Monday morning. She also wanted advice on how to deal with the stepson’s repeated deception.
  • On Monday, she had 50 packages to ship out while entertaining a toddler by herself while her husband took the stepdaughter to school, the stepson to the doctor, returned his son home, then went back for his daughter to take her to the university for dual enrollment classes. After that he would return to the toddler to take him to speech therapy.
  • The dog was ill and could not stand up.
  • Something was wrong with the washing machine, and it smelled horrible. Of course, there were at least five loads of laundry to be done.
  • The stepdaughter wants to stay permanently with them instead of staying part of the week with her mom, but she doesn’t know how to tell her mom, and Jess must stay out of it even though she would like to give the mom a piece of her mind.

With all this going on, she barely whispered to me, “Mom, I have nothing left. I’m going to break.” I asked her what she needed, and she asked if we could bring lunch and stay with her for a few minutes. We brought lunch, and my husband fixed the washer.

Last week, my husband and I were at the park with the three-year-old and a young woman started to talk with me. Her two-year-old grabbed my hand and wouldn’t let go. She told me that she had no idea how hard it would be to be a mother. She also said she was so grateful for her son. She told me that her son had attached himself to me because I looked like his grandmother. As we walked, she told me her story. Her mother used to babysit Daniel a lot until one day she was pushing him in his stroller and a car hit them. The mother had a brain bleed and a broken leg. Daniel was unharmed. Her mother does not remember anything about what happened, and her life has changed dramatically. I could hear the sadness in the young woman’s voice. I hope we will continue to see her at the park, and perhaps we can help in some way.

Remember to show appreciation to the mom’s you know, help out when you can, and be free with your hugs.

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Let Them

Do you sometimes allow others to steal your peace and joy through their judgment and treatment of you? If you do, you are not alone, but you need to know that you have the power to guard both your peace and happiness with your attitude.

I have a friend who says the person with the greatest power is the one who cares the least about what others think. I used to think that was easier said than done, but it is a beautiful thing when you learn to let others own their opinions without having to validate them. The next time they do or say something hateful, let them while you guard your peace of mind. Here are a few examples of times when you don’t have to react or take someone seriously.

The next time someone underestimates you, let them. When someone thinks you are less than capable, or treats you as if you are invisible, use it to your advantage. I was participating in an indoor triathlon. There were so many people entered that they were doing the competition in waves with a different group of athletes completing the triathlon throughout the day. I signed up for the early spot, so there were only about 6 people for that time slot. The swim event was first, and I was in the locker room with three women. One was a lifeguard for the gym. We knew each other, so she and I were chatting. The other two were in their thirties. They were talking about how easy the competition would be. Neither said a word to me, and I think they assumed I would not be competition as an older woman. I was invisible to them. This worked to my advantage because they didn’t see me as a threat, and there was no reason to try to beat me. I won the whole triathlon!

You can see the same thing happening at a road race. Listen to the conversations. One group will be listing the badass races they have done to let you know you cannot compete, and the other group will tell you they are not a threat and why. Spoiler alert! They are a threat. Don’t ever underestimate someone, but if someone underestimates you, let them, and then prove that person was mistaken.

If someone criticizes you, let them. No matter what you do, someone will judge you, so you might as well do what makes you happy and not worry about it. Feel sorry for the people who don’t understand what they are missing.

When someone wants to tell you why her life is perfect, (Fakebook) let her, but realize that behind all those pretty pictures, everyone is dealing with her own mess. Do your best each day, and don’t compare yourself to others, their mess might be worse than yours.  

When someone is carrying a heavy burden and needs to share it with you, or ask for help, let them. I may not be able to solve every problem, but sometimes it helps to listen, or offer some encouragement.

If people offer you help, let them. I always say that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. If you are struggling, and someone reaches out, consider accepting the offer.

What I am trying to say here is to let everything flow more in your life. Don’t internalize all the negatives floating around you. Find your joy without apologizing for it, and do your best to be a good human.

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How to Make Connections

I start every day with a simple prayer that goes like this, “Let me build people up with my words, and not tear them down. Let me treat others with kindness and understanding and show people love. I hope I can strengthen the connections I have and make new ones.”

Our connections with each other are powerful forces in our lives. Our links to others can help us in life, and we never know when a connection can change our lives. Making these connections is not easy for everyone, so here are a few ideas to try.

  • Talk to people. This sounds obvious, but I see people so often who do not want to interact. They have the headphones on, and their eyes are down. They have closed themselves off from any interaction. Everyone has a choice to have time to themselves, or interact with others, but if you are always closed to that interaction, you may be missing out on a great conversation, or a connection that might lead to a friendship.

I met my friend Sally at the gym. We were in a kickboxing class together. She approached me, told me she saw me running all the time and asked me if I would start going to races with her. She said she wanted to be in better shape and meet more people. We were complete strangers, but I thought, “Why not?”. We found a local race and went together. We have been racing together for about ten years now, and we are great friends. She also helped me because I had stopped racing. Sally helped me rejoin a community of great people.  

Making connections with simple conversations might help someone who is struggling. You never know when someone needs to be heard, seen, or share a personal story. That conversation might be a lifeline.

  • Use old friends to find new ones. Runners are the best type of people. They are positive, goal-oriented, and they are encouragers. I decided I needed to be more focused on surrounding myself with more people like that, so I began making more of an effort to meet runners through running friends. I did the same thing on social media by friend requesting people who were friends with good friends of mine. The result has been wonderful. I am surrounded by positivity and encouragement.
  • Let people know you remember them. There are people we might meet briefly through travel, or activities. Sometimes these people did something kind for us, and everyone wants to be seen, remembered, and thanked.

I realized how true this is on our return trip from Paris. I am an absolute mess in the airport. I become nervous, none of the machines seem to work for me, (user error), and I know the stress is written on my face.

A year ago, we arrived at the airport, and we were standing in front of the kiosk. A young man asked in French, “Do you need help?” I answered, “Always!” He then took our passports, scanned everything, put the tags on our bags, and led us to the counter to drop off our bags.

Today, we were at the kiosk, and the same man was in front of me, asking the same question. I told him he had helped us last year and I was grateful for him. He looked surprised and said, “You remember me?” I assured him I did and he turned to his colleague and said, “She remembered me!” He helped us to do everything again including opening up a special line so we could go straight to the counter. I watched him tell two more people what I said. He was so excited. Imagine how many complaints people in the service industry hear, and how few thank yous. When you remember someone, you make them feel special.

  • Sign up for some activities. Go where people are and have some fun while you are there. Find something fun to do where you can meet some new people. My daughter and granddaughter go to a neighborhood bingo game at the local Mexican restaurant. Our local pizza place hosts a trivia night every Thursday. You can join a walking or running club, take some classes at the local Y, take painting classes, or look into continuing education at a nearby university.
  • Use social media. When I notice someone who posts regularly on a friend’s timeline in a positive way, I consider friend requesting that person. Social media can help us reach out farther than our own area.
  • Reconnect. Don’t forget to keep old connections fresh. Take some time to reach out and check in to see how those you love are doing.
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10 tips for Staying Healthy While Traveling

Traveling should be fun, but it can take a toll on our bodies. There is always a little stress, we stray from our normal routines, sleep patterns are off, and we are in a different environment. All of this contributes to a perfect storm for our health. I would like to offer you several things that work for me. The first three involve your mental health and the rest are physical.

  1. Don’t try to do everything at once. Our neighbors tried to see all of Paris in 2 days. They were miserable and tired and had a terrible time. Travel destinations should be savored, not devoured. Trying to do everything at once will exhaust you. Plan one or two things a day and go out at a leisurely pace to enjoy them thoroughly.
  2. Have a plan b. Plan ahead of time where you would like to visit and do. Pinterest is a fun site to look for ideas. Ask for recommendations from friends and family and make your itinerary.
  3. Be ready to pivot. You could have the best plan, but something might happen to derail your plans, so keep a positive attitude, regroup, and initiate plan b.
  4. Wash your hands. Whenever I have done school trips in France, I tell students “use a toilet whenever one is available, (they are not always plentiful), and wash your hands often to stay healthy. Keep your hands away from your eyes and mouth.
  5. Take your vitamins. Anything you can do to boost your immune system is a good idea. Take your vitamins, drink orange juice, and drink a vitamin C packet.
  6. Drink green tea. It might be easier to grab a coffee or a soft drink, but if you choose green tea, you can boost your immunity.
  7. Hydrate. Water can help you to avoid headaches and fatigue, and help you to not overeat.
  8. Prioritize sleep and rest. Plan some time each day to regroup and refresh. Have a snack and take a few minutes to take it easy.
  9. Take apple cider vinegar. This should be in everyone’s pantry to be added to your daily diet. Put a tablespoon in water everyday to maintain good health.

10. Balance your diet. We all go off track sometimes when it comes to eating on vacation, but do your best to balance the good with the bad. Food is fuel and you need good fuel to stay healthy.

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10 Tips for a Great Holiday

Holidays are a wonderful time of year to celebrate families and to count our blessings, but they can take a toll on our health as well. There is the mental stress of organizing family events and meals, there are gifts to choose, and any event with family involves both joy and tension. There are also physical drawbacks as we tend to indulge in the extremes of too much to eat and drink. As we navigate the family gatherings and other responsibilities, we. Often neglect our fitness routine. We need to work hard to stay healthy during the hustle of the holidays, so here are ten ways to stay healthy.

  1. Plan ahead. Being organized will reduce some of the stress. Make lists of what needs to be done, and check things off as you go.
  2. Don’t over complicate the holiday. You don’t have to do everything. Ask for help. Consider pot luck meals where everyone brings something. Be flexible and ready to pivot if plans change. Enjoy the special moments instead of worrying about everything being perfect.
  3. Maintain normal routines. Do your best to continue to follow your normal routine. Not following your routine can contribute to stress because you will feel scattered.
  4. Practice self-care. Taking care of yourself can be your gift during the holidays. Find ways to sneak away for some quiet, and prioritize sleep.
  5. Exercise to reduce stress. You may have less time to exercise during the holidays,but anything is better than nothing. Go for walks, choose stairs over elevators, and move in any way you can.
  6. Try new activities. Extra food and drinks can drain energy and motivation, so boost your desire to exercise by doing something new and fun.
  7. Create family competitions. If I want to see total chaos and hysterical laughter, I’ll convince my family to engage in competition. I think it will work for you too.
  8. Boost immunity.
  • Wash your hands
  • Take vitamin c
  • Drink green tea
  • Prioritize sleep
  • Stay hydrated
  • Take apple cider vinegar

9. Balance your plate. You probably cannot avoid a few foods that are unhealthy, but balance those with greens, proteins and carbohydrates.

10. Give yourself grace. You might gain some weight, forget to exercise regularly, and your turkey might not have been perfect, but no matter what happens, give yourself grace, laugh about it if you can, and carry on.

Once the holidays are over take a deep breath and make some notes about how it can be even better next year.

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That One Person

I have always thought that the quality of the people in your life is more important than the quantity of those around you. I have had too many situations when someone who I thought was a friend was only using me. I focus more now on surrounding myself with people who bring me peace and make me happy. I believe we all need at least one person who brings us joy in some way. It could be several individuals who fill us in different ways, but if we have one person for those different needs, it can be life changing. Here are a few instances where one person can make a difference.

The one you can always rely on.

Who is the first person you think of when you need help? Everyone needs someone who will be there in a flash, who is always the calm in the storm, and instantly knows what needs to be done. My husband is the one for our family. He knows about things I didn’t even know existed. An example is the time he was passing the refrigerator, stopped and said, “Oh, the filter needs to be changed.” Did you know there is a filter on the outside of the refrigerator that needs to be changed every six months? Go look. It’s on the bottom. Another time, we were walking through the basement when he looked up at our copper pipe and said, “We have a leak. I’ll have to solder that.” I replied, “You know how to solder?” My children and I have asked him to write a book about all the things he knows because we are convinced, we would be lost without him.

The one who makes you laugh.

This is the most important person to me because laughter is a powerful medicine. I was the person for my oldest sister. There was something about my laughter that sent her into hysterics, and within minutes she would run to the bathroom. I would start to giggle about something, and she would have a concerned look on her face, and she would say, “Jen, don’t!”

The one who makes you feel special.

When you are feeling less than your best, this is the person that tells you why you are amazing and convinces you it is true.

The one who is your voice of wisdom.

This is another important person for me because I am oversensitive, and harder on myself than anyone else. I am blessed to have several very wise people around me. I will tell one of them something hateful that someone said, and he will look at me as if I have lost my mind and say something like, “Why do you care?” I need those wise voices in my life.

The one who wraps you up in love.

We all need someone who makes it clear that we are very important to him or her. This person is grateful to be in our life, and not afraid to show us.

People can be exhausting and slightly crazy, so I hope you have at least one person in your life who is a safe place to land.

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Help With The Hard Days

Have you ever had a day when you feel exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally? Most of us have those days occasionally. It usually happens when a perfect storm of challenges hits us in succession. We need a moment and a chance to recharge. There is a great children’s show called Bluey and in one of the episodes the mom heads off to her room to be alone, and when her children ask why she did that, she answers, “Sometimes I just need 20 minutes.”

When we have rough days, and our energies are depleted, we need some ways to recover and recoup our forces. We need to don our mental armor to face another day. Here are a few ways to recover that work for me and I hope they will help you too.

  • Run away. Running away can take a variety of forms. I solve most of my mental fatigue by going for a long run. I can think through what is bothering me or empty my mind completely. If you don’t like to run, go for a walk. Maybe simply the act of moving away restores peace.

You can also run away to a place that brings you joy. That could be a local coffee shop, restaurant, bookstore, or a favorite room in your house. My frequent retreat involves me telling my husband I am going up to my room, and I’m not coming back down. I climb under the covers and either turn on mindless television or read. The other day I had nestled in when my daughter called and told me she was doing the same thing.

  • Go outside. Nature has healing power. I love sitting on the porch while I listen and watch everything happening around me.
  • Be still. I am terrible at this, but I recognize the benefits. I just have difficulty staying still because I want to do a million things, or there are a million things that need to be done. I had gone to the dermatologist to have a skin cancer removed and he told me to take it easy the rest of the day, so I was lying on the couch watching television when my son walked in and said, “Mom, are you sick?!”

My daughter has a three-year old and runs her own business. She is even worse at being still than I am. The other day, her son fell asleep on her and she couldn’t move for two hours while he napped. She told me it is those moments that tell her the importance of slowing down.

When you are still your senses are strengthened and you hear and see things more. Clear your mind and breathe.

  • Take care of something. Taking care of someone or something else is healing and it can take your mind off any troubles you may have. Taking care of something else can make you feel better. It has been proven that pets are good for our mental health. They love us unconditionally, and they can calm us down when our emotions are high. Taking care of plants can have the same effect.
  • Watch your favorite movie. Watching a movie and becoming lost in a story can help us forget our issues.
  • Listen to music. Music is healing. Listen to your favorite tunes and let your problems melt away.
  • Take a nap. A tough day doesn’t seem as bad when we are rested.
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10 Ways to Keep a Toddler Amused

If you ask parents who presently have a toddler, or remember the toddler years, what it is like to parent a toddler, you might see them shiver as a look of fear enters their eyes. They will tell you that the toddler years bring a roller coaster ride because the toddlers are finding their place in the scheme of things, testing the limits, and throwing around emotions like confetti. A parent needs to be patient, creative, flexible, and most of all have a great sense of humor.

One of the goals of parents is to find activities the toddlers will love so the parents can have a few minutes of peace while the toddler plays. My grandson is three and if he is engaged in an activity my daughter will say, “Nobody move, don’t breathe, don’t make a sound.” We all laugh when she says this, but I think she is dead serious. I’m sure she is not alone, so here are a few ideas to keep your toddler busy.

  • Any activity with water. Water will keep a child amused for long periods of time. My husband used to fill up a large plastic container with water and toys and call it Parker’s pool. Parker loved it. A water table has activities to do with water. You can let them play in the kitchen sink, and the bathtub is always good for fun. Even taking a smaller container and letting them put toys in it will keep them amused.
  • A jewelry box. I remember that I loved playing with my mom’s jewelry box which I now let Parker play with. Fill it with old jewelry you no longer use and monitor them to make sure small pieces don’t go in their mouths.
  • Make up games. I have made some of the silliest games with Parker, and he loves them. One game we play is the flashlight game. We start in a room with the lights off, and I count to three then say, “Turn it on!” We then run down the hall, into another room, and then back to the original room where I say, “Turn it off!” We laugh like crazy, and Parker can burn off some energy.
  • Find anything that has buttons to push. You can go to the local thrift store and pick up some interactive games that have lots of buttons.
  • Have a play date. Children love other children. I brought Parker over to play with the neighbor’s toddler and they amused themselves for hours.
  • Go on adventures. Parker has a push bike that has a container on the back. We go around the neighborhood looking for flowers and other interesting things and he puts them in the container. You see things you never noticed before when you are with a toddler.
  • Stack and organize. Anything you can use to make a tower is a great idea and use anything that can be organized or sorted. You can work on learning colors and shapes this way.
  • Arts and crafts. Use stickers to create a work of art. We don’t realize how many free stickers come in our mail. Pull out the address stickers and other stickers that come to us for free. Buy a few sheets from your favorite store, pull out some construction paper and have fun.
  • Make a fortress. I remember that my two oldest could have cared less about the toys we bought for Christmas, they only wanted to build a tunnel fort with the boxes. You can make a fort using sheets and chairs, or if you live in a cold climate, make one with snow.
  • Sidewalk art. Grab a huge bucket of sidewalk chalk and let your artists have a blast. Make sure you have something ready to clean them up before they head back inside.

I hope these ideas will help bring you some peace and laughter!