No one prepares you for the guilt you will feel as a parent. Of course, parenting comes with plenty of responsibilities, but most of the guilt you feel is unnecessary. Let me give you a few examples.

My son was born with a bleeding blood vessel on his brain. We had the choice of an operation when he was a week old that would fix the vessel, or not doing the operation and risking that he would be impaired mentally. There was a 50% chance he would not survive the operation, but I felt I needed to do what was best for him for the long term. I felt guilty because I thought I might have caused the problem because I continued to run during my pregnancy. I also felt guilty about all the tests he had to undergo. I had to pump instead of breastfeeding him because he was in an incubator for 2 weeks. I was convinced the whole situation was my fault, but in retrospect I realize I was wrong. It was a devastating time emotionally, and guilt on top of worry made everything worse.  

Any time my children had an issue at school, I found a way to feel guilty because there must have been something I could have done better. I should have realized my children always needed to take responsibilities for their actions. We can do our best to teach them right and wrong, but then we have to monitor and pray.

There are so many other unfounded examples of guilt. You wonder if you do enough for your child, but you don’t want to enable them. Are you pushing them enough or too much? Parenting can be a mine field for guilt. So, what can you do to calm those feelings? Here are a few ideas.

• Keep telling yourself you are doing your best.
• Talk to other parents. Sharing stories will validate your abilities as a parent.
• Learn to laugh at minor parental fails.
• Ask for help.
• Don’t let the little cherubs play you.
• Remember what you did right.
• Don’t compare yourself to other parents.

Parenting doesn’t come with a guidebook, you have to figure it out as you go, and do your best to make good memories.

What’s your morning like? Do you rise at 4 before the rest of the family to do some inspirational reading and ease into the day? If you do then most people will envy you because a typical morning for most is absolute mayhem.

If you have children, morning means rising before them hoping you might have an advantage, but one child runs, (why do they never walk?) into the kitchen wearing last year’s Halloween costume and cannot understand why he cannot wear it to school. The next child arrives looking like a zombie because he snuck his tablet under the covers and played until 2 a.m. when the battery died. Your daughter arrives next looking pristine in a beautiful white pair of pants and an appropriate top. Just as you are sighing that one of your children has it all together, your husband lets the dog inside. The dog has been rolling in a mud puddle, and of course, he heads straight for your daughter, shakes sending brown water everywhere, and then jumps up on your daughter. The chaos erupts in your daughter’s screams, your son telling you why his costume is perfect and son number two curling up on the floor amid the muck.

How would you react to this situation? Would you show anger and start yelling at everyone? Would you cry, or would you laugh and embrace the chaos?

We cannot always choose what will happen to us, but we have a choice about how we will react. I have always told my children that when things go crazy, be the calm in the middle of the storm. Here is why I say that.

Don’t allow your emotions to rule you. If you react badly when things go wrong, you can’t think clearly, and you might not achieve a favorable outcome. Take a deep breath and solve each problem at a time.

You are always teaching your children. Your children are always watching you for clues on how to act. When you keep your cool under pressure you are showing them the right way to respond to difficult situations.

How you start your day impacts the rest of your day. If you can laugh at the situation and help your children figure out how to turn things around, you are teaching them how to problem solve.

Chaos situations make great stories, and they often involve the need to work together to solve the chaos. Make those memories even when they are a little messy.

How to Guard Your Peace

We are bombarded by issues, emotions, drama, and noise every day. We have to find a way to filter out the negative to stay healthy mentally. Here are a few ideas that should help.

Humor

Humor can diffuse most negative situations. When something embarrassing happens to you and you can laugh about it, not only do you feel better about it, but you also make yourself more approachable, and you will ease any awkwardness the situation may have caused. If the situation involves someone trying to make you look bad, you take away her weapons when you can laugh at yourself. Don’t give someone the negative reaction he was hoping for.

Let other’s own their issues

If you are a people person and a problem solver like me, you probably want to help everyone with their issues, but those are burdens that are too heavy for you to bear. You can offer empathy, but let others solve their issues.

Don’t engage in drama

It takes at least 2 people to create a drama, and once the fire is started, you may end up getting burned, so think twice before joining the drama party, because all that conflict can wear you out.

Hear the whole story before reacting

Have you ever reacted before you heard the whole story only to find out you would have reacted very differently if you had heard all the facts? We have all jumped on the judgment bus too quickly at one time or another. Take the time to investigate everything that happened.

Realize it’s not personal

When someone creates drama, it usually stems from an issue someone else has, and actually has nothing to do with you. Don’t let your feelings be hurt because someone else has a perception that is off kilter.

Know how to destress

Life can be chaotic and stressful, so you need to have your anti-stress weapons. Use what works to help you eliminate stress. Some people use cooking, music, reading, or movement. Find what works for you.

Disconnect

I have times when I have to turn off my phone, my computer, and the television, and run away from people. Usually, I take a good book and swing in the hammock. We all need those moments when we don’t need to interact.  

Find your quiet time

Carve out some time in your day when you can sit and be quiet or go for a run or walk by yourself. I have gotten up early before and had coffee on the deck. The quiet is healing.

I will agree with you if you tell me social media has an ugly side, but there are some valuable resources there for us too.

When I was teaching A.P. French I felt like I was alone on an island. There wasn’t anyone with whom I could brainstorm for activity ideas, and I was in serious need of resources and support. The history teacher told me there were A.P. teacher Facebook groups. She told me they had been a lifesaver for her, so I took a look.

It felt like Christmas when I first looked at the Facebook group for A.P. French. It consisted of other A.P. teachers who were collaborating and sharing resources and ideas. It was a spot where you could ask questions and share frustrations. I was a better teacher because of this group.

After the positive experience with the teaching groups, I decided to see what else was out there, and I discovered there is a bit of everything. I love to garden, but most of the time I have no idea what I’m doing. I just plant and pray. I often have questions, so I joined a Facebook group for gardening. I sometimes plant seeds, and then forget what I planted. I had to send a picture of a particularly hardy plant to the group to see what it was and the reply came back instantly that it was okra.

As a writer, I have so much to learn, so I joined several writing groups. I also need ways to market my writing, and I found Facebook groups for vending events where I can go to sell my books.

One of my best finds was a Facebook group that alerts you to sales and deals at retailers. Everything seems to cost so much these days that I appreciate finding discounts. She finds sales for everything including clothes, food, shoes, toys, and furniture. I need to focus on just one, but you can find a lot of groups like this.

Whatever your need is, I hope you will search for it in Facebook groups. I don’t think you will be disappointed.  

Red flag moments happen when something tells us that we should stop or proceed with caution. It could be something someone says or does, or it can be a gut reaction or intuition that tells us something is not right. The best thing we can do when we experience a red flag moment is to eliminate ourselves from the situation if possible because they are usually portents of worse things to come. Even though we might know red flags in life are serious warnings, most of us have ignored one at one time, or failed to see it until the flag turned into a train headed straight our way.

What are some examples of red flags? They are referenced often in relationships, but red flags can involve every aspect of our lives, and most of the time we should heed the warning. Here are a few examples.

Your boyfriend tells you he doesn’t know if he will ever be able to love you as much as you would like. You ignore that statement and continue with the relationship to find out that what he was trying to tell you was that he can’t ever love you as much as he loves himself. Everything will always revolve around him, and he doesn’t have much emotion left for you.

Another red flag is when someone tries to control everything you do. There are rules for everything including how you dress, who you see, what you eat, and where you go.

If someone has anger issues and shows anger towards you, anyone else, or an animal, this is a sign they have not found a way to properly channel emotions and it is a large red flag.

When someone has a history of infidelity, don’t assume you will be the person that will be treated faithfully.

When someone has no connections with others, or he tries to eliminate your connections, a red flag is waving.

When someone always plays the victim and is always blaming others for his mistakes, you should proceed with caution.

If someone feels that she does everything better than anyone else, and constantly wants to show you what you did wrong, you should see red.

If you feel exhausted after interacting with someone, that is a red flag to not proceed with the relationship.

If there is a complete lack of communication, you need to rethink the situation.

If you are faced with red flags, here are some action steps to take.

• Don’t think you can change someone’s mind. If someone says, “I don’t want children.” Don’t think you can marry this person and convince him to have children.
• Don’t take it personally. When someone is toxic, it isn’t because of something you did.
• Stay calm and remove yourself from the situation.
• Ask for support if necessary.  
• Limit contact when possible.
• Set boundaries.
• Know when to leave

Remember to listen to your instincts, and watch for those red flags!

What if we could ask important questions in a simple interview to determine if someone was right for us? We wouldn’t have to go on numerous dates, have him meet our friends and family, and search for information about him on social media to gage whether he would be a good partner.

How many people do you suppose wish they had asked certain questions about topics that later caused a rift in the relationship? I know there were a few I wish I had asked.

Which questions matter to you the most? Here is a list of possible questions I have put together. I would love to hear what you would add.

• How would you describe yourself in three words?
• Can you describe what you are looking for in a partner?
• What have you learned from past relationships?
• Do you want to be married someday?
• Do you want children?
• What are your religious beliefs? What if I have different beliefs?
• How well do you handle money? Describe your financial situation.
• What are your long-term goals?
• Do you like animals?
• Do you like to travel?
• What interests do you have? What activities do you like to do?
• Would you rather spend time in the mountains, at the beach, or both?
• What is something romantic you have done?
• What type of movies do you like?
• What kind of music do you listen to?
• What is your favorite television show?
• What is your family like?
• Describe your best friend.
• How do you celebrate your birthday?
• What is a perfect date for you?
• Would you rather be out at a club, or at home?
• Do you smoke or drink heavily?
• Are you active?
• What is the most important thing in your life right now?
• What are your political beliefs?
• What do you think is the key to a successful relationship?

I know this is a short list, but I think you are already thinking of more you would add. When we make a commitment to someone, it’s a good idea to communicate as much as possible, so that we are not surprised later in the relationship.

We can all feel lost sometimes. We lose our way, and feel stuck in our daily routine, or the goals we have don’t seem to be working. These are the times we need to start asking why about the different aspects of our lives. We can be so caught up in a busy lifestyle that we forget our why for what we do, and who we are with, but our why can be our driving force.

Take a minute and ask why for the different parts of your life. Here are a few examples.

Relationships

Why are you attracted to certain people? Do the people in your relationships have those qualities? Why would you stay in a relationship that does not fulfill you and make you better?

I do not let go of a relationship easily even when I know it is toxic. I keep thinking I can make it better, but when a relationship makes you question your value, and doesn’t help you grow, it’s time to let go. You might be in a relationship that fulfills you and brings you joy. Treat that person like the treasure he or she is.

Make a list of why your relationships work, or why they don’t. Communicate with friends and family about what is working, or what needs to be fixed.

Self-care

Do you take good care of yourself? Why would good self-care be important? You can’t take good care of others if you haven’t taken care of yourself first. Set some boundaries about what you need and make some goals for good health.

The job

Why have you chosen your job? If it does not bring you joy, why are you still there?

I hear people complaining about their jobs all the time, but they are not willing to make a change. I love hearing about someone who loves what she does. This is usually someone who can instantly tell you why she finds joy in something.

Asking about your why can reconnect you to what brings you joy. Sometimes when you reflect on your answers, you realize it is time for a reset.

Have you ever had those moments in your life where you felt like you needed to do a reset on some area of your life because you have hit a roadblock where things are not going the way you planned, or you just need a change? Recently, I have felt that way about several areas of my life, and I am excited to give some changes a try to feel happier and more successful.

Any athlete will tell you if you do the same routine all the time your body will become used to it, and you won’t see the same results that you would if you switched it up and did some different things. That is why I took a look at what I was doing as a writer and a runner, and how I was responding to the people around me. I wanted to revisit my why and my goals. Here is what I decided.

I have been running since my senior year in college after a year in France and my love of food left me heavier than usual. Running became my therapy and my escape. It has kept me sane through some difficult times, but several years ago when I was injured things changed. When I started to heal, I was afraid to run hard because I didn’t want to be injured again. I took it easy for a long time until recently when I decided I was tired of running scared. I wanted to run like I used to, so I stepped up to the front of a race last weekend, went out way too fast, and had a glorious time running like I used to run. I’m not going to allow fear to get in my way anymore.

My next reset is with my writing. When I retired from teaching four years ago, I was excited to have time to write. I thought I would be able to make money with my writing. Since that time, I have written three children’s books, a self-help book, a running book, and a romance. I have also written countless articles on medium and newsbreak, but I have not made much money from any of it. I know there are many possible reasons for this including maybe my writing isn’t good enough, but at this point I feel like I have tried so many things that didn’t work. I set up book signings in local bookstores, as well as a book reading/signing. They were very uncomfortable for me. Yesterday, I sat at my desk and said, “This isn’t working.” I thought it might help to take a few days away from writing, but I ultimately decided that instead of trying so hard to make money, I’m going to go back to writing because I enjoy it and see what happens.

My final reset was about how people treat me. I am a people pleaser, and I often am too passive about reacting to how people treat me. I often think I should just let it go, but I have decided that is unacceptable, so I have surprised a few family members by setting some boundaries. I have to admit that it makes me feel powerful.

What do you need to reset?