Have you ever noticed that loss seems to hit like a tsunami instead of being spread out? I have heard bad things happen in three, but I had a string of losses that exceeded even that.
The first loss was the death of my 36-year-old niece from brain cancer. She is a year younger than my oldest daughter. I cannot imagine losing your child. It’s hard not to ask why when someone dies that young. She left behind a young daughter who will go through life without a mother.
The next situation was when a family member reached out for my help with another family member who was struggling both physically and mentally. It was a mess, and I felt inadequate because I had no idea how to help. The family member struggling mentally was sure he was going to die. It was heartbreaking to hear both family members sobbing on the phone. My husband said I helped the situation, but it wrecked me because I felt there was more I should do.
My next emotional hit came in the form of a goodbye. My youngest moved into her first home. I was so used to her living with us that it felt like a loss when she walked out the door. She kept telling me she was only 20 minutes away, but I wasn’t going to hear her coming in from work or hear her laughing heartily while playing Minecraft with friends. The loss was gut-wrenching for me. After she left, I sat on her bed and sobbed. It affected me also because she was my last child to leave. At that moment, I wanted them all to come home.
The final loss was the death of our 14 year-old cat. We brought her home for my youngest daughter and she was a love bug. She wanted to be wherever we were, or in a patch of sunshine.
Even at the end when she stopped eating and could barely walk, she would run in at night and jump on the couch with me to snuggle in the blankets.
We finally decided to end her suffering and say goodbye to a great pet.
How do you deal with loss? I need to process it gradually because I feel everything so deeply. If I deal with all the feelings at once I will be overwhelmed.
I always turn to running to help my mental health when the emotions are flowing. I can allow my mind and emotions to rest when I am moving.
Keeping focused on other tasks can help, but reaching out to share your feelings of loss is probably the best way to deal with it.
There are so many burning questions that require our reflection. We can reflect on politics, religion and moral issues, but there are some questions that are even more important. I hope you will enjoy my list of questions to ponder.
Why does the cat pick my black dress that I have laid out on the bed as his nap spot, but the blue jeans nearby just don’t hold the same attraction?
Why do my children need me most when I am in the bathroom?
Why does the bathroom door never seem to lock?
Why does everything that is bad for you seem to taste the best.
Why does an act of kindness seem to trigger another?
What is it about babies that can always make us smile?
Why is television able to pull us in even when we know that what we are watching is mindless?
Why is it that when our children do something wrong, we immediately blame ourselves first?
Why do children seem to understand God so much better than adults?
Why are children so much better than adults at setting priorities?
Why do we always rush our children instead of going at their pace?
What is it about nature that can take our breath away?
Why do we so often feel guilty about pleasure?
Why is it so hard to accept differences?
Why do we search for a reason that an insane criminal committed a horrific crime when we have used the word insane in the question?
Why do we spend so much time trying to accomplish things by rushing around when we would get more done if we just slowed down?
Why is it so hard to do nothing?
Why do we become too busy to write or call the ones we love?
What makes a nap on a rainy day so exquisite?
Where does the power of a hug or a smile come from?
Running has saved me throughout my life. It has helped me stay healthy mentally and physically, it has helped me deal with relationships and toxicity, and it is the time when I am the most creative. Running is a faithful friend who is always there waiting to deliver you from whatever you are dealing with at that moment. Let me explain to you why I see that as freedom.
Mental freedom. I have struggled with rough days like anyone else. I have had those moments when sadness had its claws in me and I thought I would break, but whenever I feel overwhelmed, I know a long run will calm me and make me feel better.
Physical freedom. I have a border collie who is full of frenetic energy. If he goes too long without running or playing, he will bolt out the door and tear off to the back yard at top speed. He isn’t running toward anything; he is only running off excess energy. I am the same way because I am happiest when I am in motion. I cannot sit still for longer than an hour, and if I cannot run for several days because of responsibilities, I become irritable.
The feeling of leaving the house and running down the road feels like I am free. I can explore, observe, but most of all I can move.
Running also provides me with freedom by keeping me healthy. At 66, I do not take any medication, and I know that it is because of running. Being mobile means the freedom to explore new adventures and meet new people.
Social freedom. Runners are typically wonderful people with positive attitudes. I have moved away from toxic relationships and formed more connections with the people I have met through running. I have social freedom to choose wonderful friends.
Creative freedom. My best thoughts come when I am running. I can write an entire article or scene in a book when I am out there in the quiet by myself.
We all have influences in our lives including someone who ignites a passion, encourages us to follow a dream, and those that make us stronger. There can be both negative and positive influences in this category, but either way that person did something that made you stronger. Here are a few examples of the type of person who can make you stronger.
The naysayer. This is the person who would be the opposite of a cheerleader. He belittles you, tells you everything you do is wrong by fixing everything the way he thinks it should be, he makes little jabs at you and says he is kidding, but that kind of humor cuts deep. You are not allowed to do anything that involves him because you won’t do it the way he wants you to. If this sounds familiar you have a choice on how to react. You can be passive and quiet while trying to avoid any emotional storms, or you can become quietly stronger and resilient. Let other people deal with hurt and issues without inflicting that junk on you. You have worth and value and you are capable of anything. Draw your boundaries and fly.
This type of person makes you stronger because you have to learn to cope and find your true identity. You will feel free when you decide that no one has the right to judge you.
Your cheerleader. You don’t need to have a lot of friends you just need a few good ones. When you are struggling, they are there to lift you up and love you. You are stronger because you can lean on them.
Kind words. Words are powerful so whenever anyone has said something uplifting to me, I save it for those hard days. Sprinkle kindness because you never know when someone is going to need your strength.
The toxic people. Instead of being dragged down by hatefulness look deeper to see what causes the behavior. We might see that someone is carrying a heavy burden.
Faith. You might not be a believer, but it has been a constant in my life. It keeps me strong through any trials.
So who has made you stronger? Are you responsible for making someone else strong?
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have something that needs to be improved. Small changes can have huge impacts on our lives, but we cannot make those changes until we realize a change is necessary, so start with reflection. What changes would make your life better? Make some simple goals to start on the path to cleaning up your life.
Here are 10 ideas to clean up a few areas of life that might need some tweaking.
Guard your peace. Are you a people pleaser like me? I have been working hard on reforming this area of my life. I have spent too much time trying to solve drama and problems while worrying about hurt feelings. Now I do my best to allow people to own their issues. I am much calmer and peaceful. You can choose for people to do drama on their own.
Do something new. We need a change and a reset from time to time. Do something new that will stimulate your mind and help you meet new people.
Practice self-care. Taking good care of yourself affects everything else you do. You can’t be happy and productive if you don’t feel well.
Find your people. We all need a few good people who support us and make us laugh. Choose wisely.
Do your impossible. Is there something you have always wanted to do, but you are afraid of judgment or failure? Do it anyways. When you succeed it will be so cool.
Move your body. Movement is important for both mental and physical health. Movement can help with stress and health in general.
Rest well. I had to see a cardiologist 2 years ago and the first question he asked was how well I slept. He told me our quality of sleep affects everything.
Remove the toxic. I made an effort last year to eliminate people and things that were toxic to me and the change has been amazing. You cannot always eliminate all the toxic people in your life, but you can spend as little time as possible with them.
Do something for someone else. Whenever you are feeling low, doing something for someone else can make you feel better.
Make some goals. We can motivate ourselves to improve if we make a plan for what we want to do.
There are three distinct parts to writing a book. Those parts are the before (preparation), during (the actual writing), and the after (editing, publishing, and marketing). After writing six books I will tell you that each part was an adventure and a huge learning experience. Instead of focusing on the mistakes you make in the process, enjoy the chance to learn and improve your craft. One of the things I love about writing is there are many different ways to be successful. I’d like to share what has worked for me while telling you to adapt the advice to fit your writing. Here are eleven steps that I hope will help you.
Conquer fear and crush excuses. Writers can be paralyzed because they don’t know where to begin. The questions outweigh the answers as the writers try to figure out how to be successful. Fear will keep you from taking that first step. Don’t allow it to kill your dreams.
Excuses are manifestations of fear. Phrases like “I don’t have time.” “I’m not good enough why should I bother?” “Who is going to read my writing?” are all ways to avoid stepping out of your comfort zone and possibly failing. What you might not realize is failure makes you better. Your glorious journey can’t start until you kick the excuses to the curb. Are you ready?
Choose the type of book you will write. Do you want to write a children’s book, a romance, science fiction, self-help, or something else. There are so many choices so choose the one that you feel passionate about.
Once you have chosen your type of book, research the rules about that genre. What is the average word count, themes, and other common elements?
Determine the why. Why do you want to write this book. I had a clear why for each book I have written so far, and that why helped me to stay focused. I wrote my self-help book, 101 Tips to Lighten Your Burden because I saw so many people struggling with mental health. I wanted to write a book with quick bits of encouragement and inspiration. What is your why?
Make an outline. What are the important elements of what you want to say? Make those chapters. When I wrote a teacher’s guide, I made an outline out of all the challenges I thought teachers faced on a daily basis, and I gave them strategies to overcome those challenges.
Write! I was reading a great book on writing called Writing Down the Bones. The author said that at some point everyone needed to put the book down and start writing. Don’t worry about your writing being perfect at first. You can go back and edit. Write down your bones and then mold it like a piece of clay later.
Edit. Do this over and over. Use Grammarly. Ask friends to look for mistakes and
consider hiring a professional editor. Don’t expect your publishing house to clean up a mess.
Choose a killer title. Your title is key because it will catch the reader’s attention. Search online for some title ideas.
Write a query. Your query should convince your publisher that you are a good choice as a writer. Include your book’s word count, a synopsis, why your book is unique and attractive to readers, and write a short biography to show your writing experience. Check for writer’s guidelines to know exactly what a publisher requires.
Search for publishers. You should not accept a contract without researching a publisher first. Not all publishers will be a good fit for you. I use several books to search for publishers. The ones I use are The Writer’s Market, The Writer’s and Artist’s Yearbook, Writer’s Handbook, and The Christian Writer’s Market.
Spread the word. Once your book is published you have to market it. You can do this through social media, vendor events, podcasts, book signings, and book readings.
Our minds and bodies need to work as partners to insure optimum health, but in order for that to happen we have to make a constant effort to keep them in balance. Unfortunately, we often develop an unhealthy abusive relationship with either our mind or body, and we suffer as a result. If you are in an abusive relationship with your mind, your body will also suffer, so let’s look at some of the signs that show you might be in that type of relationship with your mind.
You are self-deprecating. This is a fancy way to say you are mean to yourself. If you hear yourself saying you can never do anything right, you are an idiot, you don’t have any friends, and any other negative thoughts that tear you down, your relationship with your mind is unhealthy. When you think or say something enough it becomes your reality. If you don’t believe in yourself, you won’t have the confidence to step out of your comfort zone and do new things. I have done this for many years, but I have made strides on changing my thoughts so here are a few ideas that have worked for me to change how your mind treats you.
Bannish the negative thoughts. This is not an easy task. You have to be vigilant and focus on changing your negative thoughts to positive ones. Make a list of easy ones to use. Instead of saying you are not capable of doing something, switch to a growth mentality where you might not be able to do something yet, but you see the possibilities.
Know your worth. When you are depressed and feeling less than, make a list of what makes you special. Here are some examples.
I’m a mother/father I speak 2 languages I have a degree I’m kind
I know how to________ I can teach someone to_________
Don’t think of it as bragging. This is your armor for those days when life seems rougher than usual. Start saying the list in your head and say it proudly. What other people think of you doesn’t matter because you have value.
Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is being aware of how you feel and think. It helps you respond differently to situations.
Shift your focus. Shift your focus from limiting beliefs to empowering ones.
You are not practicing self-care. Are you the last one you care for? Are you often stressed and frazzled? Are you ill more than you should be? Do you have trouble sleeping? All of these ailments are signals that your mind and body are not working together.
Feeling stressed, not having enough rest, and being in a constant state of chaos can make you ill. Thankfully, if you can find balance again, the mind also has the power to heal the body. Here are a few activities to take better care of yourself.
Practice relaxation breathing techniques.
Use guided imagery and visualization to imagine calm and success.
Go for a walk.
Do some creative activities.
Daydream
Eat well.
Rest.
You feel hopeless and lost. You don’t feel like you have a purpose. Negative emotions like fear are holding you hostage. You can only see the impossible.
Fear is a dream killer. We are all afraid sometimes, but if you can do things anyway, life becomes more of an adventure. Start using your positive thinking to run toward success. Have a list of positive affirmations where you state what you will accomplish. Keep a journal where you right down 3 gains each week. Set goals. Embrace your mistakes because that’s when you learn the most. Have an abundant mindset.
You feel battle weary. You are tired of being judged and dealing with toxic people. You want to be left alone and invisible. You don’t want to fight anymore.
Although I understand these feelings, giving up and hiding isn’t living, but there are some ways to make interactions with people easier to navigate. Here are a few ideas.
Match hatefulness with kindness as often as you can. The hatefulness usually comes from a place of hurt, so I try to understand what burden the person might be carrying. Your calmness and kindness might be a lesson for someone. I also know that most mean people hate it when they don’t cause a reaction.
Spend as little time as possible with anything toxic to you. You cannot always avoid a co-worker or a family member but do what you can to limit your time with that person.
Take some time everyday to find some quiet. I love sitting on the porch and listening to the neighborhood or looking at online videos. Do something that does not require you to think.
I hope these ideas have shed some light on the possibility of an abusive relationship with your mind, and the chance to repair that relationship.
I would love to think those who know me would trust what I say is true, but I have worked hard at convincing my students, friends, and family what positivity can do in their lives. Now that they have proof, I enjoy hearing them tell others what positivity can do. You have heard all the talk about the power of positivity, but you may need proof as well, so I am offering these stories to show you what I have seen positivity do.
The first time I heard about positivity was at a teacher’s conference when the speaker was speaking about the power of our mind. He said, “If you think you can, you will, if you think you can’t, you won’t.” He went into more detail explaining how powerful our thoughts were. He explained that thoughts have energy that can shape what happens to us. He showed us a demonstration with a volunteer. He told the volunteer to hold out his arm to the side shoulder level while repeating, “I will not drop my arm.” He told the volunteer he was going to put pressure on the arm to push the arm down, but the volunteer should resist. When the speaker pushed the arm, he could not push it down. He then told the volunteer to say, “I can’t hold my arm up.” This time, the arm dropped immediately. If you think the arm dropped because it was tired, you can reverse the positive and the negative examples.
I started doing the exercise at the beginning of each school year, and I loved seeing the students’ expressions when the arm dropped. One boy said, “What magic is this?” I taught him for 3 years and each year he volunteered to do the experiment. Each time he would say, “Madame, it’s not going to work this time, but it did. I wanted the students to consider changing negative thoughts to consider the possibilities
The most fun moment with my students was with my French A.P. class which was the last period of the day. One day they were all hungry, so I said, “I’m going into the teacher’s lounge and there is going to be a huge pizza on the table. (Anything on the table was for anyone to have.) I walked in and there it was! There was a huge box of pizza from a lunch activity. I walked back into the room laughing. The students couldn’t believe it. One more proof of the power of positivity.
My family saw the proof after numerous times when we drove to restaurants that were clearly very busy. I would always say, “We are going to get seated right away.” At first, the response was negative with reactions like, “Right! That’s not going to happen.” After the third or fourth time, they started to believe, but they are still surprised sometimes when it seems impossible, places open up for us. We recently walked into a Longhorn where the waiting room was packed. The hostess said, “Oh, a table for four just opened up.” My daughter’s boyfriend whispered, “How did that happen?” I smiled.
There are different forms of positivity. Prayers have powerful positive energy. My sister survived a bout of breast cancer and five years later, she was going for a biopsy because her doctor had found another lump. She told me if the lump was cancerous she was going to refuse treatment. I asked my prayer warriors to pray for the lump to not be cancerous. The next day I called my sister to ask how the biopsy had been. I was surprised she was angry. She said, “Jen, they didn’t do it. The tech said he wanted to do another scan, and it didn’t show anything. She was angry because she was sure her doctor would send her back for the biopsy. The doctor also no longer saw the lump. I couldn’t believe that not only was the lump not cancer, but it also no longer existed. I believe it was because of the prayers.
I have many other stories, but I hope this is enough to convince you to give positivity a try.
I had no idea what a wild ride teaching would be for me. It allowed me to travel the world, develop life-long friendships, and learn life-changing lessons. I hope I was able to teach my children half as much as what they taught me. Here are a few of the life lessons I learned.
Respect is so important. At the beginning of each school year, I spoke with my students about what my expectations were. In that conversation I mentioned how important respect was to me. I told them I would show them respect and I expected the same in return. Respect means to me that you see the value in someone. You appreciate who they are and how the person behaves, and what the person does to help you.
Everyone wants to feel valued, and respect is a step in that direction.
Never give up on someone. I remember working so hard with one boy, but he couldn’t seem to understand the concepts I was showing him. His final exam would determine whether he passed or failed, and I was worried about him. He told me before the exam he had studied everything, and he thought he was ready. As I graded his exam, I realized that something had clicked for him. He passed! You never know when someone is a blink away from success.
Relationships are key. I realized that relationships were more important than my material when I was teaching in Massachusetts at a boarding school. The connections I made there with students continue today and are more important to me than how much of my subject they remember.
Relationships mean memories. At my last school, I held a Christmas dinner at school for all the families and students in the French program. It was a chance for everyone to come together as a family, and the memories from those events will always make me smile. One night, a family brought a small piano and after dinner, we played and sang Christmas carols.
I also enjoyed cleaning up after dinner. After all the chaos of the dinner, it was nice to have some quiet. The janitor, Daniel, would help me carry the dirty dishes to the teacher’s lounge, and he helped me wash them and put them away. It was always so pleasant to spend that time with him.
Positivity can change an outcome. On the first day of school, I always spoke with my students about the power of positivity. I told them they needed to stop saying things like, “I’ll probably fail.” They needed to use positive phrases. I had a demonstration using positivity and negativity that was always effective. I continued to show them what positivity could do throughout the year, but the best moment was in my fourth period A.P. class when everyone was hungry. I said, “I’m going to walk into the teacher’s lounge and there is going to be a huge pizza sitting there. (Anything out on the table was for sharing.) I walked into the lounge and there was a huge pizza. I walked back into my room laughing to shouts of, “No way!”
Be an encourager. Everyone needs a cheerleader. Lift people up with encouraging words or a smile. The effect can be amazing.
Keep a sense of humor. There are days when it seems as if nothing is going right. Those are the days you should laugh and hope that things change for the better. It doesn’t do any good to let the hard moments pull you down. If you can laugh in the middle of a mess you might teach someone else to do the same and it is a valuable skill to know.
Be kind. You have no idea what burden someone is carrying, so give some grace when someone acts a little off and offer help when you can. At my last school, we were allowed to pray with our students, so I always asked for prayer requests before we started. That allowed me to see if someone was struggling and why.
Find your marigolds. We all need a few people we know we can count on to be kind and to be on our side. Those are your marigolds, and they are precious.
Teach more than your subject. Life is so much more than how well someone can memorize facts. Students are watching you as a role model. You have the power to teach some valuable lessons about being a good human being.
Be a safe haven. I received two compliments which I value above all else because they told me that I was accomplishing something that was very important to me. The first was from a sub who sat in my class until I had to leave for a dentist appointment. The next day she was at lunch, and she said, “I have never felt such a presence of God in a classroom before.” The second was last year when a former student went to dinner with me and said, “You were a safe haven for so many of us.” Those two comments mean the world to me because I think everyone needs a safe place to land.
Don’t strive for balance. Maybe someone has figured out how to balance a full-time job and a family, but we were living in chaos most of the time, but it was a happy chaos. If your house is messy and your laundry isn’t always done, give yourself grace.
Ask for help. Delegate some tasks to others and ask for help when you are overwhelmed.
Accept different perceptions. People see things differently and need different approaches to understand certain things. Try to accept those different views.
Have fun. Probably the most important point is to have fun with what you do. Enjoy the moments.
Jennifer’s writing 