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Preparing for My Grandson’s Visits

I love every moment I spend with my grandson, but I discovered it is best to be prepared for his visits. Here are the preparations my husband and I do before every visit.

Childproof the house

This is actually more than making sure there isn’t anything out that could harm Parker. It includes putting away anything that we don’t want him to harm. My guitar is positioned behind the couch. (He still manages to squirm his way to it.) I remove any of the many articles from my desk that I don’t want twisted, thrown, or stuffed in a secret spot. I put away my cd player and remove the hand cream that will become Parker’s paint.

Stretch

At 65 and 66, our joints are a little creaky and Parker is in constant motion, so we have to be ready to run, lift, and throw.

Prepare food

Since he is so active, he is also very hungry, so we need to make all of his favorites. Right now, those favorites include peanut butter sandwiches, popsicles, and veggie chips.

Be creative

We do our best to stimulate his brain, so we invent games to keep him engaged. Unfortunately, all of these games require us to move….constantly.

Work together

If you parent alone you know that can be a challenge. Having a partner in crime means you can take turns and breaks.

Our visits come with some challenges, but we love every minute!

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What a Simple Text Can Do

Do you have a million things to do today? You probably don’t think you can fit one more thing in your day, but what if I told you a simple text, call, or visit could save a life? Would you see the value in taking time to reach out to someone?

So many people are struggling. The needs include help with mental health, finances, or physical issues. We can play a small part in making someone feel less alone, valued, and heard.

I spoke with a good friend yesterday. She had been on my mind all day, and the thought that I should reach out had been present. I always believe those thoughts are messages we should listen to. When I texted her, I quickly realized how bad her mental state was. She had taken a month off from work to find some balance because depression kept stealing her happiness. She felt that she didn’t have a purpose, she couldn’t find happiness, and she felt all alone.

You might think your friends and family will reach out if they need help, but they don’t want to be a burden, and they think you will perceive their struggles as complaining, so they suffer in silence. Even the ones who seem to have it all together need a check-in text. People can be very good at putting on a happy face when they are miserable. Check in regularly to find out where everyone is mentally.

When you send the text, you show that person he is not alone, he is valued. All you have to do is listen. A family member who was struggling with depression said, “You don’t know how much it means to know someone is there for me.”

Don’t wait until tomorrow or next week. Take a minute and reach out. You may be a lifeline.  

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Where is Your Power Going?

I am reading the book, Let Them by Mel Robbins. So far, I have found myself marking pages three times because I could relate so much to what she says. One of the things she mentions is how we give our power away so often. That made me reflect on what that meant, whether I am giving my power away without realizing it.

How do you define personal power? There are several possible sources of power. Your power could be your energy, as well as everything that affects your mental or physical health.

So, how could you be giving that power to someone or something? Here are a few examples. Do you try to solve everyone’s problems? That will drain your energy and raise your stress level. Allow others to work out their issues and they will learn valuable lessons in the process, and you can maintain your calm.

Do you get worked up about things you cannot control? This tends to happen when we spend too much time on social media with all the array of opinions. Shut out the noise when it becomes overwhelming and regain your peace.

Do you worry about everything and create a doomsday scenario? Worry is wasted energy. Wait to see what happens and take actions from there.

Are your thoughts healthy and uplifting, or do you tear yourself down? Belittling yourself even when you are joking steals your power. Draw some boundaries if someone is treating you badly. Realize your value.

Are you taking care of yourself? Staying healthy physically is necessary to be powerful.

Guard your power and don’t let others take it from you.

Ocean Sand, Bahamas by NASA Goddard Photo and Video is licensed under CC-BY 2.0
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The Challenging Years for Parents

All parents know that parenting is the toughest and most amazing adventure in the world, but there are certain years in a child’s life that are tougher that others for both the child and parents. I have three children who all struggled at the same ages, and now I am seeing the same thing happening with my grandson.

Before I shared my experience with my children, I did some research of the experts to see if what I experienced was common. Here are the ages that were a challenge for me and what the experts say.

Four

I heard everyone talking about the terrible twos, but the first challenge for me came when my daughter turned four. She became bossy and demanding. She wanted to tell us what to do, and if we said no, her frustration turned into tantrums. My daughter is experiencing the same thing with her son. She felt better when I told her he was testing the limits to see who was in control and how much power he had at his disposal. I told her she should stay calm but set boundaries for the behavior because knowing someone else was in control would make him feel safer.

Alanna Gallo, an education and parenting expert and the founder of Play Learn Thrive says, “They’re still working on regulating their emotions, so tantrums and aggression are normal. It’s an emotional roller coaster, and their outburst signal they need more connection and coregulation.”

Mayra Mendez, a licensed psychotherapist says, “It’s part of the social-learning and individuation process. They are learning how to engage in collaborative exchanges, problem-solve, and learn conflict resolution.’

Eight

According to Parents magazine, 8 is the most difficult age for parents. Do you remember being 8? I do. I remember feeling lost. I wasn’t sure what my identity was. Here is what Parents says, “It does make sense why 8 can be a tough age: Eight is officially a big kid. Eight is personality and autonomy and attitude that still wants to end the day with a snuggle and hug. Eight is the body prepping for puberty and the hormones that go with it.”

Thirteen

When each of my children turned 13, I prepared myself for two personalities in one body. If 8 is prepping for puberty, 13 is being smack in the middle of it.

“Although 13-year-olds are starting to have a more concrete thinking style, their brains are still developing,” says Florencia Segura, FAAP, a pediatrician with Einstein Pediatrics in the Washington D.C. metro area. “They also tend to be very self-conscious at this age and have a tendency to believe they are the center of attention. If they have a pimple, then everyone is looking at it.”

17

This was the age that my older two children were the most difficult for me to parent. Here is what the magazine Parents says about parenting a 17-year-old.

“For the most part, 17-year-old’s moods are calmer than they were in earlier teen years. This is due to fewer hormonal shifts and an increased sense of control. But that does not mean teens will not struggle with their emotions when they face a big problem. Whether they are dealing with a broken heart or a college rejection letter, many 17-year-olds are dealing with adult-sized problems for the first time. The parent-teen relationship may shift a little during this age as well. For some, that may mean growing apart from their parents as they gain independence, but for others, it may growing closer to their parents as their desire to be rebellious fades away. Either way, keep the lines of communication open and offer support and encouragement as needed.

Let your teen know that it is okay to make mistakes. In fact, you want them to make mistakes that are not life-threatening or catastrophic. Instead of being a helicopter parent or a snowplow, ask them what they learned from their mistake or poor choice.”

Parenting is a learning experience and a continual adventure. Do the best you can and act in love.

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Your Mental Responsabilities

Everywhere we look there are messages about our physical health. We are told repeatedly that it’s our responsibility to exercise and eat well to maintain our heath. The component that is missing though is our mental health, which can be considered the control center for everything else. We need to take responsibility for maintaining a mind that is calm, strong, engaged, and creative, but with all the noise and roadblocks that are thrown at us, taking responsibility for our mental health can be a struggle. Here are a few ideas that might help with the battle.

Don’t be reactionary

Social media is a powerful resource, but you need to use it wisely. I enjoy connecting with family and friends and I have found inspirational quotes when I needed them the most. Unfortunately, it can be harmful to your mental health. I can waste too much time reading and watching reels when I need to be doing something productive, but the real harm comes from your reactions to people’s posts.

You don’t have to scroll very far before you find a post that inflames your spirit. The good news is though, it’s not your responsibility to respond to everyone’s opinion and the best way to show your displeasure is to ignore it and save yourself any drama and rising blood pressure. Let it rest right where it is without giving it the attention that someone is seeking.

Realize you don’t have to solve every problem

There is so much emotional need around us that we can feel overwhelmed with other people’s issues, but we don’t have to solve them. We can empathize and show support but allow others to own their issues.

Use silence to heal

Silence is powerful. We can use it to recharge, and reset, but it is also a great tool to use in relationships. Instead of filling in the gaps in a conversation, stay silent. Watch what the other person does. I have found out so much information by not talking and it saves energy.

Run away

If you feel things deeply you might need to escape from time to time. You can run away by doing something you love or finding a quiet spot where you can be alone. I literally run away. Running has kept me sane most of my life because I imagine leaving the problems behind me as I run. Movement also clears my head.

Lose yourself

Do something you love where you can lose yourself completely in that activity without having to think of other things. Some examples would be reading, music, movies, and any form of art.

Stimulate your mind

We all want to keep our minds sharp so do something new that makes your brain work harder. Two examples would be learning to play an instrument or learning a foreign language.

Walk away from negativity, drama, and toxicity

Any of these three will do you harm mentally. They are head games that will exhaust you mentally. Don’t hesitate to draw boundaries with these and let people know you don’t want to play. Last weekend, I was at a vendor event selling my books. It’s common to visit other booths, but when I walked to the booth next to me, the vendor started telling me everything that was wrong with the event. He was criticizing the organizer and doing it loudly enough for her to hear. I turned and walked away without replying. The next day we were at another event together. He apologized to be and said that sometimes he gets grouchy.  

Tend to your thoughts

Your thoughts have power over you. It is harmful If you allow the voices to creep in that beat up your self-esteem. I read this quote today from Bruce Lee.

“Don’t speak negatively about yourself, even as a joke. Your body doesn’t know the difference. Words are energy and they cast spells, that’s why it is called spelling. Change the way you speak about yourself, and you can change your life.”

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Enemies of Your Writing

Being a writer can be a battle sometimes. Successful writing doesn’t happen with a flick of the pen. It involves a myriad of factors that often seem to be working against us. We need to find ways to fight against what can stand in the way of our best writing. Here are a few of the enemies of writers that we must vanquish.

Self-doubt

I know I am not the only writer who questions my ability as a writer. I am my harshest critic even though I have written six books. The negative thoughts creep in and catch us unaware. They whisper that our writing isn’t good enough, no one will want to read it, and we are wasting our time.

There are ways to fight these enemies. When those thoughts sneak in, remember your accomplishments. Set goals and celebrate achieving them. When someone sends you a kind note, or writes a nice review, keep them and on the tough days pull them out and read them.

Even though anxiety and doubt make it hard to step out of your comfort zone and market your writing, do it anyways. Realize that you are making connections and learning more about your craft.  

Haters

Unfortunately, haters are gonna hate, but what we need to remember is that hate isn’t really about our writing. It’s because the hater wants to stir the drama pot and grab the spotlight for a minute. I encourage you not to engage them because it doesn’t matter what they think, and they hate being ignored, so it is a great way to deal with them.

I am grateful that I learned early that hate from haters isn’t personal. I wrote an article about the tradition of Christmas lights. The comments that the article generated ranged from racist comments about needing the lights to make sure the blacks were not stealing to political rants that had nothing to do with Christmas lights. Those comments made me realize that I should not respond to the haters.  

Naysayers

Naysayers are nicer than haters, but their words can hurt as much as the words of a hater because they often are people close to us. They are the ones who don’t believe your dreams are possible. I taught for 40 years, and I was always trying to fit in time to write, but teaching was all consuming. At one point, I told my husband I wanted to take a year off to see if I could make writing a full-time career. He became angry and said, “I want to be a professional golfer, but that isn’t going to happen either.” Instead of letting that comment crush me I let it fuel my motivation. There was a long period of time when my family didn’t read anything I wrote. They weren’t trying to be mean; they thought writing was a hobby for me like playing the guitar. When I retired and threw myself into writing they realized what a passion it is for me.

Don’t let anyone stomp on your dreams. If you are passionate about writing don’t allow the naysayers to pull you down.

Priorities

Make writing a priority. We sometimes do everything else first because we feel we have to take care of our responsibilities before we do what fills us up. Find the time of the day and the place that is most conducive to writing and make it a priority to write then.

Distraction

Can you write in the middle of chaos? Some people can. I need quiet to write well. If there are too many distractions in your house, go somewhere like a coffee house or a library where you can work without the distractions.

Time

Do you run out of time during the day to write? Schedule your writing each day and then stick to that schedule. Your writing time is as important as any of your other responsibilities.

Energy

Scheduling your writing into your day will help guard your energy. If you wait to do it at a low energy time you will not be productive. Find some ways to stay high energy. Write for an hour and then move around and reenergize.

The enemies to our writing will always be out there, but we have the tools to be victorious in our quest for writing success.

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When Loss Comes in Waves

Have you ever noticed that loss seems to hit like a tsunami instead of being spread out? I have heard bad things happen in three, but I had a string of losses that exceeded even that.

The first loss was the death of my 36-year-old niece from brain cancer. She is a year younger than my oldest daughter. I cannot imagine losing your child. It’s hard not to ask why when someone dies that young. She left behind a young daughter who will go through life without a mother. 

The next situation was when a family member reached out for my help with another family member who was struggling both physically and mentally. It was a mess, and I felt inadequate because I had no idea how to help. The family member struggling mentally was sure he was going to die. It was heartbreaking to hear both family members sobbing on the phone. My husband said I helped the situation, but it wrecked me because I felt there was more I should do.

My next emotional hit came in the form of a goodbye. My youngest moved into her first home. I was so used to her living with us that it felt like a loss when she walked out the door. She kept telling me she was only 20 minutes away, but I wasn’t going to hear her coming in from work or hear her laughing heartily while playing Minecraft with friends. The loss was gut-wrenching for me. After she left, I sat on her bed and sobbed. It affected me also because she was my last child to leave. At that moment, I wanted them all to come home.

The final loss was the death of our 14 year-old cat. We brought her home for my youngest daughter and she was a love bug. She wanted to be wherever we were, or in a patch of sunshine.

Even at the end when she stopped eating and could barely walk, she would run in at night and jump on the couch with me to snuggle in the blankets.

We finally decided to end her suffering and say goodbye to a great pet.

How do you deal with loss? I need to process it gradually because I feel everything so deeply. If I deal with all the feelings at once I will be overwhelmed.

I always turn to running to help my mental health when the emotions are flowing. I can allow my mind and emotions to rest when I am moving.

Keeping focused on other tasks can help, but reaching out to share your feelings of loss is probably the best way to deal with it.

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Questions to Ponder

There are so many burning questions that require our reflection. We can reflect on politics, religion and moral issues, but there are some questions that are even more important. I hope you will enjoy my list of questions to ponder.

Why does the cat pick my black dress that I have laid out on the bed as his nap spot, but the blue jeans nearby just don’t hold the same attraction?

Why do my children need me most when I am in the bathroom?

Why does the bathroom door never seem to lock?

Why does everything that is bad for you seem to taste the best.

Why does an act of kindness seem to trigger another?

What is it about babies that can always make us smile?

Why is television able to pull us in even when we know that what we are watching is mindless?

Why is it that when our children do something wrong, we immediately blame ourselves first?

Why do children seem to understand God so much better than adults?

Why are children so much better than adults at setting priorities?

Why do we always rush our children instead of going at their pace?

What is it about nature that can take our breath away?

Why do we so often feel guilty about pleasure?

Why is it so hard to accept differences?

Why do we search for a reason that an insane criminal committed a horrific crime when we have used the word insane in the question?

Why do we spend so much time trying to accomplish things by rushing around when we would get more done if we just slowed down?

Why is it so hard to do nothing?

Why do we become too busy to write or call the ones we love?

What makes a nap on a rainy day so exquisite?

Where does the power of a hug or a smile come from?

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Running is Freedom For Me

Running has saved me throughout my life. It has helped me stay healthy mentally and physically, it has helped me deal with relationships and toxicity, and it is the time when I am the most creative. Running is a faithful friend who is always there waiting to deliver you from whatever you are dealing with at that moment. Let me explain to you why I see that as freedom.

Mental freedom. I have struggled with rough days like anyone else. I have had those moments when sadness had its claws in me and I thought I would break, but whenever I feel overwhelmed, I know a long run will calm me and make me feel better.  

Physical freedom. I have a border collie who is full of frenetic energy. If he goes too long without running or playing, he will bolt out the door and tear off to the back yard at top speed. He isn’t running toward anything; he is only running off excess energy. I am the same way because I am happiest when I am in motion. I cannot sit still for longer than an hour, and if I cannot run for several days because of responsibilities, I become irritable.

The feeling of leaving the house and running down the road feels like I am free. I can explore, observe, but most of all I can move.

Running also provides me with freedom by keeping me healthy. At 66, I do not take any medication, and I know that it is because of running. Being mobile means the freedom to explore new adventures and meet new people.  

Social freedom. Runners are typically wonderful people with positive attitudes. I have moved away from toxic relationships and formed more connections with the people I have met through running. I have social freedom to choose wonderful friends.

Creative freedom. My best thoughts come when I am running. I can write an entire article or scene in a book when I am out there in the quiet by myself.

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Who Makes You Stronger?

We all have influences in our lives including someone who ignites a passion, encourages us to follow a dream, and those that make us stronger. There can be both negative and positive influences in this category, but either way that person did something that made you stronger. Here are a few examples of the type of person who can make you stronger.

The naysayer. This is the person who would be the opposite of a cheerleader. He belittles you, tells you everything you do is wrong by fixing everything the way he thinks it should be, he makes little jabs at you and says he is kidding, but that kind of humor cuts deep. You are not allowed to do anything  that involves him because you won’t do it the way he wants you to. If this sounds familiar you have a choice on how to react. You can be passive and quiet while trying to avoid any emotional storms, or you can become quietly stronger and resilient. Let other people deal with hurt and issues without inflicting that junk on you. You have worth and value and you are capable of anything. Draw your boundaries and fly.

This type of person makes you stronger because you have to learn to cope and find your true identity. You will feel free when you decide that no one has the right to judge you.

Your cheerleader. You don’t need to have a lot of friends you just need a few good ones. When you are struggling, they are there to lift you up and love you. You are stronger because you can lean on them.

Kind words. Words are powerful so whenever anyone has said something uplifting to me, I save it for those hard days. Sprinkle kindness because you never know when someone is going to need your strength.

The toxic people. Instead of being dragged down by hatefulness look deeper to see what causes the behavior. We might see that someone is carrying a heavy burden.

Faith. You might not be a believer, but it has been a constant in my life. It keeps me strong through any trials.

So who has made you stronger? Are you responsible for making someone else strong?