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Keep Your Weapons Sharp

Do you ever feel like life is a war where you are only doing your best to survive? Those are the days when you need to know what your weapons are, and what is the best way to use them.

I’m not talking about guns and swords, or other methods of violence. I’m talking about words and actions you can use to protect your peace, motivate yourself, and find happiness. Here are a few ideas that work for me.

Remember, you have more power than you think in your interactions. You might not be able to choose what happens to you or some of the situations you encounter, but you always have the choice on how to respond.

There are certain personality types where someone loves to argue, so you will walk away from these arguments shaking your head and asking yourself what just happened. These people love drama, and they will take any excuse to engage in it. Your weapon in this case is to not engage. Have a set of phrases ready that give a non-committal response.  If you jump in with both feet, you will come out bloodied emotionally. Rest in the assurance that proving you are right is not worth it.

You have to draw boundaries to show people how to treat you. There should be no discussion except for a clear description of what those boundaries are. If the boundaries are not respected, it’s time to distance yourself.

You need to take time to heal. Every warrior needs to take time to regroup, rest, and recharge. You will always come back stronger if you take time to heal. Do what fills you and gives you peace. Movement of any kind has always helped me. I also find peace through reading, writing, and music.

Realize that someone’s opinion doesn’t have to be the truth. Have you ever been in a situation when someone criticizes you and you start to ask yourself if you would act that way even though the claim is outlandish? Just because someone has an opinion about you, it doesn’t mean it’s true, so carry on with your bad self.

There are so many situations that can steal our peace, so sharpen your weapons before you need them, so that when the need arises, you are prepared.

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Surviving Parental Guilt While Preserving Your Peace

I was thrilled about becoming a mother, and I thought everything would be okay if I loved my children with all my heart and provided the best care possible. I wish someone had talked to me about the tangle of emotions that was about to happen and how to navigate all those feelings. I especially wish someone had explained parental guilt to me.

I have three children, and with each one, I found myself feeling guilty about everything. I felt guilty about working and dropping them off at daycare, not spending enough time with them, and falling asleep while I read a bedtime story. I felt guilty if they didn’t do well in school, and if they got into trouble, I was sure it was because of my shoddy parenting.

The feeling of guilt has followed me into my children’s adult years, but I have finally learned how to survive that guilt and preserve my peace. Here are a few things I have learned that I hope can help you.

  • Create boundaries. When your children are little, they push the boundaries to see how much control they have. Creating boundaries that define where their control ends and yours begins makes them feel safe and lets them know the chain of command. They will continue to push those boundaries into adulthood, so keep your boundaries steady and firm.
  • Don’t enable them. I wanted my children to have what they wanted, but it would have done more good if I gave them what they needed and made them work for what they wanted. Doing everything for your children or giving them their every need does not build good character. The things you have to work for are always more meaningful than what is just handed to you.
  • Shut down arguments with a few key phrases. Arguments can steal your peace, and they usually don’t end with a good resolution, so here are a few phrases to shut down an argument that is going nowhere.

I hear you

We will have to agree to disagree

That’s your opinion

Let’s have this discussion another time when we are calmer

                 Do not let your emotions match your child’s. Stay calm.

  • When they criticize you, remember it’s their opinion. When your child claims you are acting a certain way, do you jump to the defensive even though your child has no grounds for this claim? Remember it’s his opinion and not necessarily true. Use the above statement, “That’s your opinion.”
  • Demand respect. You care for and love your children. You deserve the same respect you show them. Do not tolerate lying, cursing, unkindness, or condescension.

My final suggestion is that you always let them know you love them. You might need to restate boundaries, demand an apology, but if you are doing your best and showing love, you can kick the parental guilt to the curb.

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How to Recover from a Toxic Friendship

Have you ever had a friendship that started out great and then gradually turned into something toxic? If you are caring, loving, and a people pleaser you are a toxic target, so chances are you have dealt with this situation more than once.

 It should be easy to walk away from a relationship like that, but it isn’t, is it? I have been there too, and I can offer a few hints to recover from the devastation one of these friendships can leave.

It helps to realize why toxic people gravitate to you. Toxicity comes in many forms but two of the most common forms are narcissism and manipulation. As a people person, you are safe for the people with these traits. At least for awhile you will serve their needs, forgive them, and make excuses for them. They will continue to misuse you because they know you are trying to understand their actions.

Learn to recognize toxic. A toxic person wants to be adored. They cannot stand not being seen and they can be hateful if someone stands in the way. A toxic person always feels she does everything the best and is quick to criticize the attempts of others. This person wants you to do everything for her. When you raise an issue, she will try to make it look like it is your fault not hers. She will never accept guilt for behaving badly.  If someone treats you badly consider that person to be toxic.

Listen to other family and friends. I have unfortunately had several toxic relationships that I held onto for too long. The worst was a woman that I thought was my best friend. We spoke every day and shared so much laughter. Unfortunately, she showed every toxic quality you can imagine. She manipulated me, talked behind my back, and the list goes on. If I complained about her treatment she would say she knew she was difficult, or she would make it sound like something I had done. My family was furious with her and continually told me she was not a friend. I finally listened and distanced myself from her, but the whole situation devastated me. I kept asking myself if I had done something wrong. If you are doing the same thing let me tell you to let that feeling go. It wasn’t you.

Take time to grieve. Losing a friendship is always disappointing, so take time to be sad but only for a minute because you closed the door on a bad relationship and you are opening yourself up to better possibilities.

The best revenge is semi-forgiveness. One of the things my toxic friend said was that she hated to be ignored. She loved drama. Don’t give that relationship any more fuel. You can forgive her and let go of all the negative emotions, but don’t ever let her back in as a friend. She is missing out on someone cool like you.

Start finding some new friends. The best way to find good friends is through the good ones you already have.

Relationships take give and take, but a toxic one is one-sided, so walk away from those before you are too invested.

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The Key Element for The Success of Anything

My daughter runs a very successful online business. She worked very hard to be in her current situation. She let other people’s doubts of her fuel her motivation, she put in countless hours learning what would work and what was important, and she watched the people who had made it to where she wanted to be. None of it was easy. Even now, there are challenges like the haters every time she does a video. She told me that people criticize her voice and her looks. She has learned to ignore the empty noise.

She told me certain questions about her success bother her, and I understood what she meant. She told me she hates it when someone asks her what the secret to her success is. She believes anyone who asks that question wants to know what the secret pill is to have instant success. She said, “Mom, there isn’t a secret sauce. You have to show up and put in the work. You have to be patient and constantly learn and be better. The people who ask that question don’t want to work hard, they just want to reap the benefits.”

There is a difference between someone who wants an easy answer for success and someone who is willing to do the work but needs some guidance and mentoring. I speak with many people who want to be more serious about writing, but they are not sure how to begin. I love helping people who are excited about writing and are grateful for someone who can offer some resources.

Showing up and putting in hard work consistently is the key to success in any area. I was listening to an interview with Wynona Judd today. The interviewer asked her how she prepared for a tour. She said she showed up and put in the work every day. I have heard that from so many entertainers. When someone is enjoying success and labeled as a new artist that person often mentions they have been working at the craft for years.  

When you are discouraged because you aren’t finding the success you hoped for, ask yourself what you need to do differently. Do you need to invest more time or resources? Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep moving forward and trying new things.

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What I Know So Far

What I Know So Far

Living for six decades teaches you about life, people, and perspectives. Not all the lessons are fun, but those are often the situations that teach us the most. Here are a few things I have learned so far.

You can accomplish almost anything with hard work and determination. I took karate for six years. It was in a full contact dojo which was often terrifying and sometimes painful. I believed I was going to fail before I started. I often let frustration overwhelm me, but gradually I learned that if I practiced something enough and asked questions, my body would take over with muscle memory. It was empowering to know I could do almost anything if I had the right attitude and the determination to do it.

Your attitude is your superpower or your kryptonite. You have the power to choose how you react to something. Your actions and reactions have energy. When you send out that energy you can influence things. You can also be a positive example to others. Negativity, on the other hand, can suck the life out of you. When negativity sneaks into your thoughts, change those thoughts into positive ones.

There are places you shouldn’t go. It doesn’t matter what your beliefs about spirituality are, if there is enough evidence that a place is evil, you should stay away. There is a lake near us called Lake Lanier that was formed by flooding a town. I could understand a few water related deaths, but the death toll for Lake Lanier is not only high, but it comes with odd circumstances. The most recent death that I know of was a man who took his kayak out on the lake. He was training for a triathlon. They found his kayak and then recovered his body several days later. They did an interview with a police officer who told the story of a woman they rescued after she fell off a boat. She said it felt like she was swimming through molasses, and she was a lifeguard.

There was a show talking about evil places and they mentioned a forest in Japan where people talk about feeling incredibly sad when they were in there. There is a high suicide rate there.

Ten people could have 10 different perceptions about the same situation. I was at a faculty meeting where the school head proposed a significant change in procedure. When we left several faculty members came to me to tell me their opinion. The first was excited about the change, the second was confused and asked for clarification, the third was angry and couldn’t understand how the head could propose this. Others came in through the day all with different perceptions of the same topic. Don’t expect everyone to jump on board with an idea because everyone is coming from different mindsets.   

Slower is better. I spent the first 25 years of my career running around in a frenzy. I was stressed out, doing too much, saying no too little, and no one was getting the best of me. I wish I could tell you that I no longer do that, but I am wired to move and do. I am trying to slow down though because I know the benefits. Going slower helps you both physically and mentally. It helps you be more present for the people you love, and you can take more time to rest and recharge. If you are moving too fast you miss a lot of the important things in life.

We need more kindness. Everyone is dealing with a burden or two and sometimes they are heavier than usual. A smile, a kind word, a compliment, or a kind act could lift someone up when she needs it the most.

Staying calm can change the situation. People are good at stirring the emotional pot, but you can choose to guard your peace and stay calm. When someone becomes angry, don’t escalate the situation by meeting that emotion. Continue to speak calmly or end the conversation and tell that person you can talk again when he has calmed down. It takes at least two people to have drama so refuse to be part of the group.

My husband and I have very different political views and for some reason he becomes angry every time I bring a topic up to discuss. When I remain calm, I watch him dial down the emotions gradually until he realizes I want a discussion, and I am not trying to attack his opinion.

Comparisons don’t make sense. The next time you compare yourself with someone, ask yourself if you are ready to also take on the mess you don’t see. Everyone has a messy corner, some are only better at hiding it. Fame and money do not guarantee happiness, so be thankful for the blessings you have as well as the burdens you don’t.

Worry is wasted energy. Worry is another word for stress. What if what you worrying about never happens? Stress doesn’t do anyone any good, so manifest some positive outcomes instead.

Be transparent about who you are. Trying to be someone other than yourself is exhausting and people are going to judge you no matter what you do, so do your thing. Being transparent makes the people around you more comfortable too.

You should follow your passion. When I started writing full-time my family did not provide much support. I don’t think they realized how important it was to me. I knew it was something I wanted to do, so I carry on without their interest.

Travel if you can. I know not everyone has enough money in the budget to travel, but if you do I hope you will go to as many places as possible. Travel opens you up to new experiences and perceptions. It is a great learning experience.

Create your space and draw boundaries. Even your family members can treat you as smaller than you are, and it often only takes you describing your boundaries to straighten out the situation. I applied for a business license and was doing a few other things to treat my writing as a business when my husband said this to me. (Imagine the sneer and condescending tone.)

“You’re doing all these things and calling this a business, but you aren’t making a profit.”

I have learned when I am angry enough that I want to inflict physical harm, the best thing for me to do is take some time to think it through and collect my thoughts, so at the time all I said was, “I’m only trying to do what I’m supposed to do to legally sell my books.”

The next day, I entered the kitchen and said, “I need to tell you how what you said last night made me feel. I have already written and published six books with two more at the publisher. I haven’t figured out how to market them yet, but I need you to give me a chance and stop saying shit like you did last night.”

He apologized and has been much more supportive. People will treat you the way you let them, so stand up for what you want.

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Everyone is Watching

Do you often feel invisible, thinking that no one really notices what you say or do? What if I told you that you are wrong, that everyone is watching and you have the power to influence others and potentially make a huge difference?

When I was a teacher mentor, I told the new teachers they needed to realize their students were always watching them and listening to what they said. Unfortunately, what they heard was rarely the material being taught. They were listening to your opinions, your values, and your attitude.

The same is true of the people you interact with every day. The way you react to situations could have a domino effect. Let’s say life throws you a curve ball and instead of allowing the challenge to crush you, you rise up to meet it calmly and bravely and figure out a way to break through whatever the issue is. You might not realize it, but you can save someone else who is also struggling by the way you react. Someone might say, “Well look at the way she handled it. She refuses to let it stop her. She is going to keep moving forward. I can do it if she can.” You can be an inspiration for others. It also helps you to stay strong when you realize you can help others with your actions.

Have you ever done an act of kindness and watched the ripple effect when others follow your example? Do something simple like holding a door for someone or saying thank you and watch what happens. It’s almost as if people need to be reminded sometimes. Show them how a good human should act.

Your attitude can change people. Do you see life as a burden or blessing? Are you positive or negative? I know the power of positivity and instead of convincing others that it works, I show them. My best friend and family are still amazed when I speak something into existence. We have gone to restaurants numerous times when the parking lot and the lobby have been packed. I say, “We are going to get right in and be seated.” We walk in and every time they somehow have a table for us. I love hearing someone say, “How did that happen?” The best part is they now all do it too.

Your words are powerful, and you never know when they are exactly what someone needs to hear at an important moment. Have you ever had that happen when you needed some advice or inspiration and suddenly it’s right in front of you? Your words can be what someone needs, and you might be surprised to know someone is listening to you in particular because your thoughts speak to that person.

Who is watching and listening to you? Be the best person you can be, and you will end up helping others as well as yourself.

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How to Thrive as a Strong Woman

It took me most of my life to realize that my easy-going, passive personality was not always bringing me the life I hoped for, and I needed to become stronger in several areas. Do you consider yourself to be a strong woman? Would you like to be? I can give you some advice that has worked well for me but first let’s talk about what it means to be a strong woman.

You might think you can’t be a strong woman if you are struggling with life and facing challenges. You are a strong woman if you face those challenges and continue to try to figure out how to solve them. Adversity is rarely fun, but it always makes us stronger, and as long as you learn from the struggles instead of allowing them to crush you, you will be better for it. It’s not what happens to you, it’s how you react to it.

A strong woman doesn’t need to compare herself to other women. She is doing the best she can with the resources she has. She doesn’t judge others because she knows everyone is carrying a burden even if we cannot see it, so she offers grace and kindness instead of hate.

A strong woman wants everyone around her to be successful, and she loves opportunities to be an encourager. If she has a problem with you, she will come to you for resolution instead of talking behind your back.

Here are a few pieces of advice to help you thrive as a strong woman.

Create the right crew.

I have had some unfortunate friendships, and each time I knew It was time to walk away, I was very disappointed. I decided it was time to choose friends who had the qualities I admired. We don’t have to wait for friends to come to us. We can find the people we want in our lives.

I wanted friends who were loyal, non-judgmental, genuinely good people who were kind and transparent. I wanted friends who would show up when I needed them knowing I would do the same for them. I wasn’t looking for perfect people. I wanted friends who were transparent about the flaws.

I chose my new friends from the running community because running is one of my passions, and I don’t know many runners who aren’t phenomenal people.

Having the right group of friends can make a huge difference.

Believe you are capable.

A strong woman needs a growth mindset. It doesn’t matter how many times you fail at something if you learn something from failure, and you try again. Rory McIlroy tried for years to win the Masters and finally did it this year. How sad if he had given up thinking he wasn’t good enough.  

Communicate your boundaries.

This is so much more important than you might think. You have to tell people how to treat you. They need to know what is acceptable and what is not. You often have to have the most talks about boundaries with the ones closest to you. When someone is not respecting your boundaries, have a calm conversation with the person and explain what is wrong.

Know your value and claim your space. You have value, people should listen to you and show you respect. There is nothing wrong with explaining to someone calmly they have disrespected you. I was at a 6/12/24 hour ultra marathon. As an older runner, I am sometimes underestimated. I was looking at the 24-hour board to check my time. A woman who was there to support her husband looked at me and said, “This is the 24 board.” I said, “I know.” She looked at me in shock and said, “YOU are doing the 24-hour race?” I said, “Yes, I am, and I’m not sure why you are so surprised but I’m a little insulted.” She apologized. You have to realize people say some stupid things, but it’s okay to call them on it.

I hope these simple ideas help you realize you are stronger than you think and capable of anything.

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The Challenging Years for Parents

All parents know that parenting is the toughest and most amazing adventure in the world, but there are certain years in a child’s life that are tougher that others for both the child and parents. I have three children who all struggled at the same ages, and now I am seeing the same thing happening with my grandson.

Before I shared my experience with my children, I did some research of the experts to see if what I experienced was common. Here are the ages that were a challenge for me and what the experts say.

Four

I heard everyone talking about the terrible twos, but the first challenge for me came when my daughter turned four. She became bossy and demanding. She wanted to tell us what to do, and if we said no, her frustration turned into tantrums. My daughter is experiencing the same thing with her son. She felt better when I told her he was testing the limits to see who was in control and how much power he had at his disposal. I told her she should stay calm but set boundaries for the behavior because knowing someone else was in control would make him feel safer.

Alanna Gallo, an education and parenting expert and the founder of Play Learn Thrive says, “They’re still working on regulating their emotions, so tantrums and aggression are normal. It’s an emotional roller coaster, and their outburst signal they need more connection and coregulation.”

Mayra Mendez, a licensed psychotherapist says, “It’s part of the social-learning and individuation process. They are learning how to engage in collaborative exchanges, problem-solve, and learn conflict resolution.’

Eight

According to Parents magazine, 8 is the most difficult age for parents. Do you remember being 8? I do. I remember feeling lost. I wasn’t sure what my identity was. Here is what Parents says, “It does make sense why 8 can be a tough age: Eight is officially a big kid. Eight is personality and autonomy and attitude that still wants to end the day with a snuggle and hug. Eight is the body prepping for puberty and the hormones that go with it.”

Thirteen

When each of my children turned 13, I prepared myself for two personalities in one body. If 8 is prepping for puberty, 13 is being smack in the middle of it.

“Although 13-year-olds are starting to have a more concrete thinking style, their brains are still developing,” says Florencia Segura, FAAP, a pediatrician with Einstein Pediatrics in the Washington D.C. metro area. “They also tend to be very self-conscious at this age and have a tendency to believe they are the center of attention. If they have a pimple, then everyone is looking at it.”

17

This was the age that my older two children were the most difficult for me to parent. Here is what the magazine Parents says about parenting a 17-year-old.

“For the most part, 17-year-old’s moods are calmer than they were in earlier teen years. This is due to fewer hormonal shifts and an increased sense of control. But that does not mean teens will not struggle with their emotions when they face a big problem. Whether they are dealing with a broken heart or a college rejection letter, many 17-year-olds are dealing with adult-sized problems for the first time. The parent-teen relationship may shift a little during this age as well. For some, that may mean growing apart from their parents as they gain independence, but for others, it may growing closer to their parents as their desire to be rebellious fades away. Either way, keep the lines of communication open and offer support and encouragement as needed.

Let your teen know that it is okay to make mistakes. In fact, you want them to make mistakes that are not life-threatening or catastrophic. Instead of being a helicopter parent or a snowplow, ask them what they learned from their mistake or poor choice.”

Parenting is a learning experience and a continual adventure. Do the best you can and act in love.

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Let Them

Do you sometimes allow others to steal your peace and joy through their judgment and treatment of you? If you do, you are not alone, but you need to know that you have the power to guard both your peace and happiness with your attitude.

I have a friend who says the person with the greatest power is the one who cares the least about what others think. I used to think that was easier said than done, but it is a beautiful thing when you learn to let others own their opinions without having to validate them. The next time they do or say something hateful, let them while you guard your peace of mind. Here are a few examples of times when you don’t have to react or take someone seriously.

The next time someone underestimates you, let them. When someone thinks you are less than capable, or treats you as if you are invisible, use it to your advantage. I was participating in an indoor triathlon. There were so many people entered that they were doing the competition in waves with a different group of athletes completing the triathlon throughout the day. I signed up for the early spot, so there were only about 6 people for that time slot. The swim event was first, and I was in the locker room with three women. One was a lifeguard for the gym. We knew each other, so she and I were chatting. The other two were in their thirties. They were talking about how easy the competition would be. Neither said a word to me, and I think they assumed I would not be competition as an older woman. I was invisible to them. This worked to my advantage because they didn’t see me as a threat, and there was no reason to try to beat me. I won the whole triathlon!

You can see the same thing happening at a road race. Listen to the conversations. One group will be listing the badass races they have done to let you know you cannot compete, and the other group will tell you they are not a threat and why. Spoiler alert! They are a threat. Don’t ever underestimate someone, but if someone underestimates you, let them, and then prove that person was mistaken.

If someone criticizes you, let them. No matter what you do, someone will judge you, so you might as well do what makes you happy and not worry about it. Feel sorry for the people who don’t understand what they are missing.

When someone wants to tell you why her life is perfect, (Fakebook) let her, but realize that behind all those pretty pictures, everyone is dealing with her own mess. Do your best each day, and don’t compare yourself to others, their mess might be worse than yours.  

When someone is carrying a heavy burden and needs to share it with you, or ask for help, let them. I may not be able to solve every problem, but sometimes it helps to listen, or offer some encouragement.

If people offer you help, let them. I always say that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. If you are struggling, and someone reaches out, consider accepting the offer.

What I am trying to say here is to let everything flow more in your life. Don’t internalize all the negatives floating around you. Find your joy without apologizing for it, and do your best to be a good human.

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How to Make Connections

I start every day with a simple prayer that goes like this, “Let me build people up with my words, and not tear them down. Let me treat others with kindness and understanding and show people love. I hope I can strengthen the connections I have and make new ones.”

Our connections with each other are powerful forces in our lives. Our links to others can help us in life, and we never know when a connection can change our lives. Making these connections is not easy for everyone, so here are a few ideas to try.

  • Talk to people. This sounds obvious, but I see people so often who do not want to interact. They have the headphones on, and their eyes are down. They have closed themselves off from any interaction. Everyone has a choice to have time to themselves, or interact with others, but if you are always closed to that interaction, you may be missing out on a great conversation, or a connection that might lead to a friendship.

I met my friend Sally at the gym. We were in a kickboxing class together. She approached me, told me she saw me running all the time and asked me if I would start going to races with her. She said she wanted to be in better shape and meet more people. We were complete strangers, but I thought, “Why not?”. We found a local race and went together. We have been racing together for about ten years now, and we are great friends. She also helped me because I had stopped racing. Sally helped me rejoin a community of great people.  

Making connections with simple conversations might help someone who is struggling. You never know when someone needs to be heard, seen, or share a personal story. That conversation might be a lifeline.

  • Use old friends to find new ones. Runners are the best type of people. They are positive, goal-oriented, and they are encouragers. I decided I needed to be more focused on surrounding myself with more people like that, so I began making more of an effort to meet runners through running friends. I did the same thing on social media by friend requesting people who were friends with good friends of mine. The result has been wonderful. I am surrounded by positivity and encouragement.
  • Let people know you remember them. There are people we might meet briefly through travel, or activities. Sometimes these people did something kind for us, and everyone wants to be seen, remembered, and thanked.

I realized how true this is on our return trip from Paris. I am an absolute mess in the airport. I become nervous, none of the machines seem to work for me, (user error), and I know the stress is written on my face.

A year ago, we arrived at the airport, and we were standing in front of the kiosk. A young man asked in French, “Do you need help?” I answered, “Always!” He then took our passports, scanned everything, put the tags on our bags, and led us to the counter to drop off our bags.

Today, we were at the kiosk, and the same man was in front of me, asking the same question. I told him he had helped us last year and I was grateful for him. He looked surprised and said, “You remember me?” I assured him I did and he turned to his colleague and said, “She remembered me!” He helped us to do everything again including opening up a special line so we could go straight to the counter. I watched him tell two more people what I said. He was so excited. Imagine how many complaints people in the service industry hear, and how few thank yous. When you remember someone, you make them feel special.

  • Sign up for some activities. Go where people are and have some fun while you are there. Find something fun to do where you can meet some new people. My daughter and granddaughter go to a neighborhood bingo game at the local Mexican restaurant. Our local pizza place hosts a trivia night every Thursday. You can join a walking or running club, take some classes at the local Y, take painting classes, or look into continuing education at a nearby university.
  • Use social media. When I notice someone who posts regularly on a friend’s timeline in a positive way, I consider friend requesting that person. Social media can help us reach out farther than our own area.
  • Reconnect. Don’t forget to keep old connections fresh. Take some time to reach out and check in to see how those you love are doing.