Posted on

Ten Tips for Traveling with a Toddler

I always thought it was important to take my child everywhere even when they were very little. I wanted to expose them to everything and teach them from an early age how to behave and enjoy new experiences.

Those experiences included traveling with my children, but for some reason I didn’t travel out of the country with them until they were at least six. As a French teacher, I traveled often to France with students or family because I needed to immerse myself to improve my language skills. I brought my children as often as I could because I wanted them to be global citizens, to understand cultural differences and the importance of learning other languages. My oldest daughter went to France the most and her memories are of playing in the Luxembourg gardens, going to the interactive science museum called La Cité, and eating amazing food. When my grandson was born, she told me she wanted to expose her son to all of those wonderful experiences, so last week we took the four-year-old for his first trip out of the country. Let me tell you the tips I learned from this trip as well as what I learned from the trips with my children.

Tip #1 Always make sure your child is fed and rested. My grandson is a picky eater, so we knew our options were limited, so every morning I went into the bakery to buy two croissants and two donuts to be ready for that moment when he said, “I’m hungry!” This tip applies whether you are traveling or not because most meltdowns happen because of hunger or fatigue.

Tip #2 Factor in downtime. Being in a different environment can be stimulating and overwhelming. Plan some time everyday to have some quiet time.

Tip #3 Don’t supersize the itinerary. Plan one activity a day and if everybody feels good you can do something else, but if you plan too much at once you are asking for a meltdown and it might not be the toddler that has it.

Tip #4 Be prepared. My grandson is potty trained, but there was still potential for disaster, so my daughter packed extra clothes in case they were needed.

Tip #5 Let them be kids. Plan some kid-friendly activities like kid’s museums or playgrounds. Let them run off the zoomies.  

Tip #6 Build their excitement. Act as if what you are about to do is the best thing ever. They will join in with enthusiasm.

Tip #7 Be patient. When something goes wrong, realize that all the new things might be difficult for your child. Remember the trip doesn’t have to be perfect.

Tip #8 Keep a sense of humor. When things don’t go according to plan, see the humor in the situation and carry on.

Tip #9 Have a plan B. Be ready to pivot at any moment because even the best plans can fall apart. We had tickets to ride a bus to see the major attractions, but when we arrived my husband couldn’t find the tickets on his phone. Everyone can have those moments when excess fatigue shuts down the brain, so be ready to look for a different way to accomplish the goals. I redid the tickets and the company refunded us.

Tip #10 Ask for help. If you have family with you work together to help each other when it is needed. If you are alone, ask for help from others when you know those requests are safe.

I hope these tips help you. Don’t be afraid to travel with a child. It’s possible he or she will have the best attitude of the whole group.

Posted on

Moments That Mattered as a Parent

I know the power of sharing experiences. We often feel that we are alone in our struggles, and as parents, we frequently ask ourselves if we made the right decision. Hearing the experiences of other parents is helpful, whether those experiences reinforce the feeling that we did something right, offer us alternatives for next time, or help us laugh at situations. I am going to pose some questions, give you my response, and encourage you to respond as well, either in the comments, through a discussion with others, or only in your thoughts.

What were some of your sweetest moments as a parent?

  • I loved it when my babies fell asleep on my chest. Even though there were a million things I should do while they were sleeping, I knew these moments were special.
  • Each child developed special interests, and I enjoyed seeing how happy they were when they were doing them. My oldest likes to travel, the middle child loves bugs and photography, and the youngest loved going to a local lake with a net and bowl to catch baby turtles and salamanders.
  • When I would read to them at night, I would start to fall asleep, and they would say, “Mommy, you need to go to bed!”
  • On my 60th birthday, my family gave me a party, and my children told me why they were thankful I was their parent. Considering they told me many times that I was ruining their lives, I appreciated their words.

What were some of your hardest moments as a parent?

  • Sometimes I knew that discipline was the right thing to do, but it was so hard to do. I knew I had to do it, though, because they needed to learn that actions have consequences.
  • Finding out when they had done something wrong was always tough.
  • Seeing all three struggle with depression was gut-wrenching.
  • Although I am thankful that all three are happy, it was hard to have them leave home to start their lives.
  • When my husband was battling addiction and traveling constantly to hide it. I felt like a single parent, and I felt very alone.

When did you sound or act like your parents?

  • I swore I would never worry as much as my mom, but I worry about everything.
  • I know I said, “After everything we have done for you!” at least once.

What do you think you have taught your children?

  • Resilience
  • Be kind
  • Do what’s right
  • Have a good work ethic.

It’s your turn now. How would you answer these questions?

Posted on

Surviving Parental Guilt While Preserving Your Peace

I was thrilled about becoming a mother, and I thought everything would be okay if I loved my children with all my heart and provided the best care possible. I wish someone had talked to me about the tangle of emotions that was about to happen and how to navigate all those feelings. I especially wish someone had explained parental guilt to me.

I have three children, and with each one, I found myself feeling guilty about everything. I felt guilty about working and dropping them off at daycare, not spending enough time with them, and falling asleep while I read a bedtime story. I felt guilty if they didn’t do well in school, and if they got into trouble, I was sure it was because of my shoddy parenting.

The feeling of guilt has followed me into my children’s adult years, but I have finally learned how to survive that guilt and preserve my peace. Here are a few things I have learned that I hope can help you.

  • Create boundaries. When your children are little, they push the boundaries to see how much control they have. Creating boundaries that define where their control ends and yours begins makes them feel safe and lets them know the chain of command. They will continue to push those boundaries into adulthood, so keep your boundaries steady and firm.
  • Don’t enable them. I wanted my children to have what they wanted, but it would have done more good if I gave them what they needed and made them work for what they wanted. Doing everything for your children or giving them their every need does not build good character. The things you have to work for are always more meaningful than what is just handed to you.
  • Shut down arguments with a few key phrases. Arguments can steal your peace, and they usually don’t end with a good resolution, so here are a few phrases to shut down an argument that is going nowhere.

I hear you

We will have to agree to disagree

That’s your opinion

Let’s have this discussion another time when we are calmer

                 Do not let your emotions match your child’s. Stay calm.

  • When they criticize you, remember it’s their opinion. When your child claims you are acting a certain way, do you jump to the defensive even though your child has no grounds for this claim? Remember it’s his opinion and not necessarily true. Use the above statement, “That’s your opinion.”
  • Demand respect. You care for and love your children. You deserve the same respect you show them. Do not tolerate lying, cursing, unkindness, or condescension.

My final suggestion is that you always let them know you love them. You might need to restate boundaries, demand an apology, but if you are doing your best and showing love, you can kick the parental guilt to the curb.

Posted on

The Prickly Path of Giving Advice to Children

The Prickly Path of Giving Advice to Children

As parents, shouldn’t we guide our children through life, helping them avoid some of the mistakes we made along the way? The answer to that is not always a resounding yes, and when they ask for advice, you should proceed with caution.

There are certain pieces of advice that are universally sound helpful hints. Here are a few I have offered my children.

  • Be money savvy. Always insure you are financially independent because relying on someone else for money can feel like a prison.
  • Self-care is essential for your health and happiness as well as for your ability to function well in all aspects of your life and in your ability to care for others. It is not selfish or a luxury.
  • Mental health is as important as your physical wellbeing. Reach out to loved ones or professionals when you need help.
  • Be transparent. Trying to be something you are not is exhausting. We are all a little messy and you might help someone else by revealing your imperfections.  
  • Positivity is powerful.
  • Be kind. There is a lot of hurt in the world. Kindness eases the pain.

All of that advice is something I would offer anyone, but when your children ask for more personal advice about specifics in their lives it can be a prickly path, and I would suggest you follow these steps.

  1. Listen carefully to your child’s request for advice without interrupting and without offering any judgment.
  2. When your child has finished, ask questions for understanding. It’s a technique called empathetic questioning where you repeat what a person has said but in the form of a question. An example would be if my daughter said, “I’m so angry at my stepson right now. How should I discipline him?” I can say, “So, you are feeling angry and want to find the right way to discipline him?” Now, you might ask how repeating the same thing can help, but most of the time when someone asks for personal advice, they don’t want you to solve the problem, they want to talk it out, and asking empathetic questions allows them to talk it out of their system, allowing them to see the situation without the emotion. I would then ask, “What do you think you should do?”  Allow your child to form her own decision. We are here to guide them not to control their every move.
  3. If your child asks again, “What should I do?” Take a deep breath and offer several options she might try. Don’t pinpoint one action because it might come back to bite you.

If your children ask you to make a decision about a relationship they are in I would advise you to change the subject because you cannot win. Of course, if the relationship is abusive in any way, help your child to leave, but the emotions run high in these situations, so like before, let your child talk it out and reach her own decisions.

I hope this helps. Parenting never ends. It remains a glorious, complicated adventure and we learn as we go. Good luck!!

Posted on

What I Know as a Parent

Did you read all the books about parenting when you were expecting? I did, and I thought I was prepared for anything and then the chaos of real life named Jessica happened and I realized I was prepared for nothing. I have apologized to Jessica several times for having to be my first attempt at parenting, and I am thankful she survived.

Since Jessica survived her first three years, we decided to have another. Our son Tyler was born, and we were faced with a medical emergency because he had an AVM, (a bleeding vessel on the brain) He had a brain operation at a week old and is now a thriving 34 year old.

I had a third child at 43. Kaitlyn is a light who also gave us a medical scare at 18 months with an epileptic seizure. She was diagnosed with childhood epilepsy. During our time in the hospital, I discovered from my sister that I had childhood epilepsy as well. I asked the question again, “Why did know one tell me this?” Our family has been quiet about some key medical history facts.

I now have a three-year-old Grandson, and I will tell you that being a grandparent is a whole different type of parenting because I have to respect my child’s wishes, keep advice to myself except when asked for it, and do my best to remember parenting from years ago.   

My parenting until this moment has taught me many lessons I would love to share with you.

  • Filter the advice. When you first give birth there are many emotions including fear, fatigue, and a general sense of feeling overwhelmed. You will find especially in the beginning that everyone wants to give you advice. Some of it will be good, but some will not. When my oldest daughter gave birth, she was worried about breast feeding. A friend said her breast was engorged and if Jess didn’t pump out the extra she would have to go back to the hospital. Thankfully, I remembered that your breasts have perfect memories, (mammeries have memories!) and I told her that her breasts would produce what she had needed the day before.
  • All your children have a unique identity. I have always been amazed how different three children can be even when they were raised in the same house. Embrace the identity that is the heart of each child. Give each child space to be who fits that identity. Especially, do not try to make your child a carbon copy of you. I have a friend who wanted her son to be an athlete. She made him go to football and lacrosse and he would come home crying because his passion was in theater.
  • The failures and triumphs both make great memories. You will struggle to see the failures as positives when they happen, but they can teach you valuable lessons, and you have family stories to tell.
  • There will be tough days but see the blessings not the burdens. Parenting can be tough, but your children will be grown before you know it, so enjoy the moments when they need you and think you are cool.
  • Document all the memories. Take a million pictures, find a box to store all their artwork, and keep a journal documenting the special moments.
  • Comparing yourself to other parents is wasted energy. You will never be perfect and that’s okay. Laugh when you mess up and do something different. Be transparent about struggles because that will help other parents with the same struggles, and they might have some good advice.
  • Your child wants your time. Even more than the newest toy, your child wants you. Show up for games, performances, and spend time together.
  • Be your child’s advocate. My finest moment as a parent was standing up to a teacher who called my daughter a liar. My daughter was going to a special class to improve her reading, and she would come home and tell me the teacher had screamed at them. The first time I said that maybe the teacher had a bad day but screaming was never okay. There were two more days like that and then I had enough when she told me the teacher called her a liar. I called her regular teacher who told me there were some parent complaints. I called some parents who told me some disturbing things, so I called her teacher and asked her to take her out of that class. I had to write a letter to the principal and then we had a meeting with the principal, her regular teacher, the special teacher, my husband and myself. The special teacher tried to bully me into keeping her in the class. (funding) I stayed calm and then unleashed with what I thought of her teaching methods. When we went outside, I asked my husband if I had said the right things. He looked at me with awe and said, “You were wonderful!” lol, 40 years of teaching came in handy.
  • Parenting does not stop at 18. When your child becomes an adult, he will still need you. The parenting will evolve, but you will always be a parent, and around 23, they will realize you are wise.
  • Don’t give your child everything. We want our child to be happy, but there is nothing wrong with making them work for it so they see the worth in it. Giving them everything they want will produce spoiled children.
  • Teach your children that actions have consequences. This is an important life lesson. Teaching them what they do is going to produce consequences. This can be a moment of tough lough, but it will yield huge results.
  •  Be the model for your child. My children have thanked us several times when they have seen parents who made unfortunate choices. You don’t have to be perfect, but do your best to be good humans.
  • Show love even when it is difficult. Your child will not always be perfect. There will be times when you want to unleash the fury. Instead of saying things you might regret, ask questions to understand and teach some lessons.
  • Be vigilant. Check social media, monitor the phone, and know where they are. The world is too crazy with too many dangerous possibilities. Keep them safe!
  • Listen carefully. We are so busy that it is easy to not focus on what they are saying. Anxiety and depression throw up red flags and you should offer help when they show up.

Good luck on this crazy ride called parenting. Reach out to me with questions on my blog at www.jenniferswriting.org .    

Posted on

The Challenging Years for Parents

All parents know that parenting is the toughest and most amazing adventure in the world, but there are certain years in a child’s life that are tougher that others for both the child and parents. I have three children who all struggled at the same ages, and now I am seeing the same thing happening with my grandson.

Before I shared my experience with my children, I did some research of the experts to see if what I experienced was common. Here are the ages that were a challenge for me and what the experts say.

Four

I heard everyone talking about the terrible twos, but the first challenge for me came when my daughter turned four. She became bossy and demanding. She wanted to tell us what to do, and if we said no, her frustration turned into tantrums. My daughter is experiencing the same thing with her son. She felt better when I told her he was testing the limits to see who was in control and how much power he had at his disposal. I told her she should stay calm but set boundaries for the behavior because knowing someone else was in control would make him feel safer.

Alanna Gallo, an education and parenting expert and the founder of Play Learn Thrive says, “They’re still working on regulating their emotions, so tantrums and aggression are normal. It’s an emotional roller coaster, and their outburst signal they need more connection and coregulation.”

Mayra Mendez, a licensed psychotherapist says, “It’s part of the social-learning and individuation process. They are learning how to engage in collaborative exchanges, problem-solve, and learn conflict resolution.’

Eight

According to Parents magazine, 8 is the most difficult age for parents. Do you remember being 8? I do. I remember feeling lost. I wasn’t sure what my identity was. Here is what Parents says, “It does make sense why 8 can be a tough age: Eight is officially a big kid. Eight is personality and autonomy and attitude that still wants to end the day with a snuggle and hug. Eight is the body prepping for puberty and the hormones that go with it.”

Thirteen

When each of my children turned 13, I prepared myself for two personalities in one body. If 8 is prepping for puberty, 13 is being smack in the middle of it.

“Although 13-year-olds are starting to have a more concrete thinking style, their brains are still developing,” says Florencia Segura, FAAP, a pediatrician with Einstein Pediatrics in the Washington D.C. metro area. “They also tend to be very self-conscious at this age and have a tendency to believe they are the center of attention. If they have a pimple, then everyone is looking at it.”

17

This was the age that my older two children were the most difficult for me to parent. Here is what the magazine Parents says about parenting a 17-year-old.

“For the most part, 17-year-old’s moods are calmer than they were in earlier teen years. This is due to fewer hormonal shifts and an increased sense of control. But that does not mean teens will not struggle with their emotions when they face a big problem. Whether they are dealing with a broken heart or a college rejection letter, many 17-year-olds are dealing with adult-sized problems for the first time. The parent-teen relationship may shift a little during this age as well. For some, that may mean growing apart from their parents as they gain independence, but for others, it may growing closer to their parents as their desire to be rebellious fades away. Either way, keep the lines of communication open and offer support and encouragement as needed.

Let your teen know that it is okay to make mistakes. In fact, you want them to make mistakes that are not life-threatening or catastrophic. Instead of being a helicopter parent or a snowplow, ask them what they learned from their mistake or poor choice.”

Parenting is a learning experience and a continual adventure. Do the best you can and act in love.

Posted on

Parenting with the Outcome in Mind

As a parent of three, I remember parenting can often feel like a focus on mere survival, but the small attempts at being the best parent you can be, can make a huge difference in the person your children become. Use the resources you have to give your children a chance to build memories and ask yourself what outcome you are hoping for when your children become adults.

When each of my children was born, I prayed they would be good people. I wanted them to be kind and thoughtful, but I also wanted them to know how to stand up for themselves. I enrolled two of them in karate to teach them self-defense and discipline. My oldest daughter was tough enough without the class!

Making traditions has always been important to me, and I love it when my children carry on those traditions with their families. All three children understand the importance of family time. They know how to enjoy those sweet moments together.

Children need to be around other children, so think about enrolling them in free classes where they can interact. We sent ours to soccer camp where we watched a herd of children run from one side to the other. We also sent them to art camp and an outdoor adventure camp.

As a French teacher, I was expected to organize student trips to France, so I took my children with me. I wanted them to become global citizens. If you can afford travel, it is an amazing educational experience to teach about other cultures and perceptions.

Consider communicating with them about social media before they are allowed to use it. After they start to use it, continue to keep the communication channels open.  

Teach your children how to interact with others by modeling it for them. Teach them to be servant leaders.

Decide what else you want your children to learn from you, and continue to do your best in survival mode.

Posted on

How to Create a Legacy of Love

Love is a powerful emotion that we all need in our lives, so shouldn’t we do what we can to preserve it in memories? One of my favorite poems, You Should Leave Houses by French author Ronsard, talks about the importance of leaving something of yourself behind. Ronsard keeps his memory alive through his writing, and I want to preserve a memory of love for my family through writing. Let me tell you how I have done it so far.

Write journals detailing your children’s life. When each of my children was born, I started a journal detailing my thoughts about the child, what each child like to do, and anything else to chronicle the life of the child. I made sure to add frequently how much I loved the child, and how proud I was to be the child’s mother. Each child was given the book on their 18th birthday. It was fun to watch each one read what I had written. My oldest daughter has continued the tradition with her son.

Letters upon leaving home. When each of my children left home, I wrote them a letter telling them how happy I was for them, and how excited I was to watch their next adventure. I also gave them a list of all the things I would miss about them living in my house. My oldest wrote a note to me with a list of what she would miss as well as promises of what we would do together still.

Letters of thanks. Gratitude is an important attitude. Anytime you can thank someone for the good the person has brought to your life I think you should do it. On my 6oth birthday, each of my children stood up at my party and read a thank you letter for me being their mom. I framed them.

Create something that shows your love. When my grandson was born I wanted to leave him something that would always remind him how much he was loved by me, so I wrote a series of books about him. The first book talks about what I hope his life is like, the second describes his bond with his grandfather, and the third talks about the special relationship he has with our dog. My husband said, “When Parker’s teacher asks the class to tell her something interesting about each student, Parker can say, there is a series written about me.”

Posted on

What The Parenting Books Don’t Tell You

When I was expecting my first child I read as many parenting books as I could because I wanted to be prepared. I didn’t know that nothing would prepare me for the beautiful, crazy way my life was about to change.

When my daughter was born and the sleepless nights began, I told the pediatrician that I needed help keeping her on a schedule. He looked at me and said, “Babies, don’t have schedules.” I was thinking, “but the book said they do. What other lies did they tell me?”

Here are a few of the many parts of parenthood that you won’t find in a book.

  • In the early years, you may find yourself wishing you could have five minutes to yourself, but when they are older you will wish they would spend five more minutes with you.
  • Parenting teaches you vital life skills like resiliency, flexibility, and mental strength.
  • You will have to make decisions for your child that are for her good instead of enabling her, and that can be hard.
  • You will feel fierce protectiveness and love like nothing you have known before.
  • Parenting will humble you. It’s difficult to look cool after a diaper blowout in a restaurant, or a nasty tantrum in the middle of the grocery store.
  • You will learn about strange childhood diseases like Roseola Virus that strikes around 18 months and comes with a high fever, a rash, and vomiting. There are some disgusting ones like pin worms which is when your child plays in the dirt and then puts his finger in his mouth, and suddenly there are white worms in his butt.
  • You understand the anxiety your parents went through when your child spends the night somewhere else.
  • You will learn sneaky ways to help your child do the right thing.
  • When your child does something wrong you will feel guilty and wonder if it was because you are a bad parent. Spoiler alert! You probably are not.
  • You will see parents who seem to parent effortlessly while you are on a daily struggle, but that parent is only better at hiding the mess.
  • The laughter of your children is beautiful music.
  • You will be able to tell that your child has a messy diaper from ten feet away.
  • What worked once to solve a problem, will not work a second time.
  • Your child will be an adult in a blink of an eye.

These are only a few of the many things you will encounter as a parent. It is a day-by-day learning experience and a beautiful ride.

Posted on

Encouragement for Parents

When my first child was born, I remember feeling terrorized. I was positive I wasn’t up to the job of being a good parent to this beautiful and tiny human. I had no idea what she would teach me about parenting, myself, and life. I didn’t know that I would have to feel every emotion, learn that saying no could teach valuable lessons, and that I would always question whether I was doing a good job. Parenting is tough and glorious at the same time. As parents, we need to help each other by offering our stories, wisdom, and encouragement. Here are a few bits of encouragement I would like to give you.

I would tell the parents of babies that you will eventually sleep through the night again. Be prepared for the first time the baby sleeps through the night because you won’t since you are sure something might be wrong. Enjoy those times when the baby falls asleep on your chest.

Your child is going to go through phases when life seems overwhelming, (being a toddler or teenager). Your child’s emotions and frustration might take over, so you need to keep your emotions in control, so your child feels like at least someone has control of the situation. It’s normal though to have a few tantrums of your own, so give yourself grace. Apologizing to your child is a teaching moment.   

There is not a perfect parent or parenting style so please do not compare yourself to other parents. You never know what burden the parent you emulate might be carrying. Do what works for you.

Ask for help whether that means having someone babysit so you can rest, or meeting with other moms.

Keep a sense of humor. Parenting is messy, so laughing at the crazy situations can make you feel better. Realize that everything does seem to go wrong at once, but at least you are getting it all out of the way!

Stay positive instead of only seeing burdens. Your child will be grown and gone before you know it, so enjoy every moment.