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The Power of Failure

How your reaction to adversity changes everything.

I used to fear failure. What would people say? How would they judge me? Would I be embarrassed? I felt all of those negative emotions many times until I realized how good failure is for me. I can fail a million times and as long as I learn from the experience and find a way to grow and succeed, I will always come out better. I can make those moments even better by being transparent about my failures and sharing them instead of hiding them in shame. Maybe I can make someone else see the possibilities if I can share how I moved on after a failure. Here are a few examples of how failures have taught me valuable lessons.

I practiced Go Juru karate for six years and I learned more about myself and life than I would have imagined, but many of those lessons were brutal both mentally and physically. The dojo I was in was full contact which meant on Saturday, (sparring day), you were going to be pummeled by the other students. There were three black belts who were massive, burly, scary men. I used to call them the oak trees. Fighting them was terrifying, and I often did not fare well. I remember my oldest daughter had come toward the end of class to take me to lunch. I was about to fight the biggest of the oak trees when I heard my daughter start yelling from the waiting room. “Mommy, don’t do it! No do not fight him!”  When class was over, she tried to convince me to never do that again.

Although I was terrified most days, karate taught me to face my fears and do something even when it scared me. My favorite oak tree told me once I was fearless. I know my mouth was open in surprise when I said, “I am very afraid before I fight.” He replied, “Yes, but you do it anyway.” The many times I had to get back up after being knocked down gave me confidence and it taught me resilience.

I remember the first time I saw someone doing kata which is a series of movements that incorporates important techniques for each belt level. I told myself I would never be able to do that. I practiced and made every mistake possible, but gradually I mastered it. The experience with kata taught me that anything is possible if you want it bad enough and you are willing to work at it. It also taught me that frustration is wasted energy. I used that knowledge in my classroom teaching when one of my best students had a meltdown because she was trying to master a French skill. Frustration is wasted time that you could use to be focusing on your mastery.

My daughter took a job after college that paid well but made her miserable. She was so anxious that she had to take medication. One day, she decided she had to make a change, and she began her own at home sales. Her boyfriend at the time saw this as a failure. Why would she quit her respectable job to do something risky? My daughter took that perceived failure and used it to fuel her drive to succeed. She has been so successful that after ten years of being in business she was able to allow her husband to retire and stay home with their young son.

Don’t let failure hold you down. Some of the most amazing people have been failing their whole lives, but they keep moving forward to make it work. Share your failures with others, and I guarantee they will share their stories. Brainstorm together for success.

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The Mental Strength to Move Forward

 I wrote 101 Tips to Lighten Your Burden because I wanted to help some of the many people who struggle with mental health every day. I hoped I could provide some inspiration to show people the possibilities and the light when they only saw despair and darkness.

I knew I wanted to start the book with how to be in a good place mentally to make it easier for everyone to be able to move forward toward the best life possible. Here are the concepts that begin the book.

You are wonderfully made. Everyone has both weaknesses and special qualities. Don’t try to be anything other than your true self. Your real friends are those who love you exactly as you are. Focus on those strengths that make you shine and improve in areas where you want to be better.

Believe you can. Your beliefs become your reality. At the beginning of each semester, I did an exercise with my students to show them the power of negative and positive thoughts. I would ask for a volunteer and then tell the volunteer that he should hold his arm out at shoulder level and repeat, “I will not drop my arm.” After the student repeated this several times, I would tell him I was going to try to pull his arm down, but he shouldn’t let me. I was never able to make him lower his arm. I then asked him to raise his arm again, but this time I told him to say, “I can’t keep my arm up.” This time when I pulled on the arm, the arm dropped immediately. I wanted my students to realize that their energy could affect the outcome of their efforts.

Do not compare yourself to others. Be careful when you find yourself wishing you were like someone else because you don’t know what hidden burdens that person has. Be the best person you can be and celebrate your success as well as the success of those around you. Be grateful for your blessings and realize that imperfection is more interesting and involves inspirational stories.

Do not allow anyone to limit you.  Even your family and friends can hold you back when they don’t think your dreams are realistic. When I told my husband I wanted to be a writer, he told me he wanted to be a pro golfer but that wasn’t going to happen either. I had to draw some boundaries for his attitude about my writing, and he is now supportive of what I am doing. If you love to do something, move forward and prove the haters wrong.

When I was forty-two, I wanted to have a third child. When I mentioned this to others, the reactions were always negative and included comments about my age, how old I would be when my child graduated high school, and the potential for health problems because I was an older mother. I ignored the comments and had my daughter who is the light of my life. I would have missed out on so much joy if I had listened to others.

These are the basics of working on staying strong mentally. Once you can master these tips, you can move forward to use the next set.

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What’s Life without a few scars and brokenness?

Do you allow toxic thoughts to slip in that tell you what a mess you are and how broken you have become? First, let me assure you that you are not the only one to have those thoughts, but they can cause us harm, but there are ways to turn those thoughts around because your mess and your brokenness are all a matter of perception, so here are a few things to remember, and some action steps to take to go from feeling broken to glorious.

Change your thinking. One of the reasons I wrote this article was because I was lying in bed this morning thinking that I really was a mess then I started to argue with myself by finding a few positives about my messy self. I know I am not the only one to struggle with staying positive about myself. Our mind rules the day, so if we can control how we think, we can change a lot. Switch any negative thoughts to positives and see the difference it makes. Tell yourself you are pretty darn wonderful until you believe it yourself.  

List the good things. What are your best qualities? Are you kind? Loyal? Easy to be with? Make a list.

What have your scars and failures done for you? I am a true believer that the more you fail, the more you learn, and sometimes those failures leave mental and physical scars. I have the most scars from parenting, teaching, and karate. Parenting taught me unconditional love, forgiveness and the importance of boundaries, teaching taught me the importance of relationships, and karate taught me that I should never give up because persistence pays off, I should recognize toxic behavior sooner, and just because someone is the person in charge doesn’t mean he should be. If you never fail you will miss out on some valuable lessons.

What are your most glorious stories? Think about those times when you triumphed and it felt glorious. Write them down and relive that feeling. The first one that came to mind for me was when I was an advocate for my oldest daughter. She had started to go to the special education class during reading time because she was below reading level. She started to tell me that the teacher was yelling at them. I told her that a teacher should never yell, but maybe she had a bad day. Then, she came home and told me the teacher called her a liar. I arranged a meeting for the next day, and I made sure the teacher knew what I thought about her methods.

Keep rising up and bring someone with you. It doesn’t matter how many times you mess up. You have a fresh start every day. Hold yourself together with a sense of humor and a refusal to quit. When you figure something out, share the secret with someone else.

Be happy with who you are. I have been a people pleaser most of my life then suddenly I decided I needed to draw some boundaries to protect my peace. I’m happy with who I am and I’m not going to beg someone to be my friend. Don’t worry what others think of you. Deflect the arrows of the people who think they know what is best for you.

I hope these ideas help you to turn the thoughts around to see how glorious you are!

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Moments That Mattered as a Parent

I know the power of sharing experiences. We often feel that we are alone in our struggles, and as parents, we frequently ask ourselves if we made the right decision. Hearing the experiences of other parents is helpful, whether those experiences reinforce the feeling that we did something right, offer us alternatives for next time, or help us laugh at situations. I am going to pose some questions, give you my response, and encourage you to respond as well, either in the comments, through a discussion with others, or only in your thoughts.

What were some of your sweetest moments as a parent?

  • I loved it when my babies fell asleep on my chest. Even though there were a million things I should do while they were sleeping, I knew these moments were special.
  • Each child developed special interests, and I enjoyed seeing how happy they were when they were doing them. My oldest likes to travel, the middle child loves bugs and photography, and the youngest loved going to a local lake with a net and bowl to catch baby turtles and salamanders.
  • When I would read to them at night, I would start to fall asleep, and they would say, “Mommy, you need to go to bed!”
  • On my 60th birthday, my family gave me a party, and my children told me why they were thankful I was their parent. Considering they told me many times that I was ruining their lives, I appreciated their words.

What were some of your hardest moments as a parent?

  • Sometimes I knew that discipline was the right thing to do, but it was so hard to do. I knew I had to do it, though, because they needed to learn that actions have consequences.
  • Finding out when they had done something wrong was always tough.
  • Seeing all three struggle with depression was gut-wrenching.
  • Although I am thankful that all three are happy, it was hard to have them leave home to start their lives.
  • When my husband was battling addiction and traveling constantly to hide it. I felt like a single parent, and I felt very alone.

When did you sound or act like your parents?

  • I swore I would never worry as much as my mom, but I worry about everything.
  • I know I said, “After everything we have done for you!” at least once.

What do you think you have taught your children?

  • Resilience
  • Be kind
  • Do what’s right
  • Have a good work ethic.

It’s your turn now. How would you answer these questions?

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The Importance of Sharing Your Journey

You know all the struggles you have experienced, or those issues life has thrown your way that you are afraid to reveal? Being transparent about them could help a lot of people who are dealing with similar things. It makes them realize there is hope, and it helps them feel less alone. Your transparency will also help you know that many others are dealing with burdens just like yours.

I don’t usually post about my mental struggles because I don’t want to burden anyone, but a recent experience taught me how wrong I was. Three years ago, I had my first A-fib episode (irregular heartbeat). After many tests and a short time taking a beta blocker, I went two years without any episodes. Unfortunately, the episodes started again recently and became more frequent. I had to go back to my cardiologist, who prescribed a stronger medication and did more heart tests. On top of that, I received a call from my dermatologist saying that I needed another Mohs surgery on my face for skin cancer. It will be the third one in several months. At the same time, I managed to tear my meniscus, and as an avid runner, I know that means I cannot run until it heals. Throw a few personal struggles in, and I had the perfect storm.

I reached out on social media and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. The posts of love and positivity were wonderful, but there was another outcome to my post that made me realize it was the right thing to do. Friends started texting and calling to tell me about struggles they were also experiencing. They had been holding their feelings inside because they were afraid of judgment. They told me they were glad to be able to share with someone.

We often think we are the only ones experiencing something, and we wonder why we cannot find a solution. When we see someone else whom we admire fighting the same battle, it eases our feelings of inadequacy.

When you share your journey, you might have some insight from your experience that could help someone else. You could be much much-needed inspiration.

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Keep Your Weapons Sharp

Do you ever feel like life is a war where you are only doing your best to survive? Those are the days when you need to know what your weapons are, and what is the best way to use them.

I’m not talking about guns and swords, or other methods of violence. I’m talking about words and actions you can use to protect your peace, motivate yourself, and find happiness. Here are a few ideas that work for me.

Remember, you have more power than you think in your interactions. You might not be able to choose what happens to you or some of the situations you encounter, but you always have the choice on how to respond.

There are certain personality types where someone loves to argue, so you will walk away from these arguments shaking your head and asking yourself what just happened. These people love drama, and they will take any excuse to engage in it. Your weapon in this case is to not engage. Have a set of phrases ready that give a non-committal response.  If you jump in with both feet, you will come out bloodied emotionally. Rest in the assurance that proving you are right is not worth it.

You have to draw boundaries to show people how to treat you. There should be no discussion except for a clear description of what those boundaries are. If the boundaries are not respected, it’s time to distance yourself.

You need to take time to heal. Every warrior needs to take time to regroup, rest, and recharge. You will always come back stronger if you take time to heal. Do what fills you and gives you peace. Movement of any kind has always helped me. I also find peace through reading, writing, and music.

Realize that someone’s opinion doesn’t have to be the truth. Have you ever been in a situation when someone criticizes you and you start to ask yourself if you would act that way even though the claim is outlandish? Just because someone has an opinion about you, it doesn’t mean it’s true, so carry on with your bad self.

There are so many situations that can steal our peace, so sharpen your weapons before you need them, so that when the need arises, you are prepared.

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How to Recover from a Toxic Friendship

Have you ever had a friendship that started out great and then gradually turned into something toxic? If you are caring, loving, and a people pleaser you are a toxic target, so chances are you have dealt with this situation more than once.

 It should be easy to walk away from a relationship like that, but it isn’t, is it? I have been there too, and I can offer a few hints to recover from the devastation one of these friendships can leave.

It helps to realize why toxic people gravitate to you. Toxicity comes in many forms but two of the most common forms are narcissism and manipulation. As a people person, you are safe for the people with these traits. At least for awhile you will serve their needs, forgive them, and make excuses for them. They will continue to misuse you because they know you are trying to understand their actions.

Learn to recognize toxic. A toxic person wants to be adored. They cannot stand not being seen and they can be hateful if someone stands in the way. A toxic person always feels she does everything the best and is quick to criticize the attempts of others. This person wants you to do everything for her. When you raise an issue, she will try to make it look like it is your fault not hers. She will never accept guilt for behaving badly.  If someone treats you badly consider that person to be toxic.

Listen to other family and friends. I have unfortunately had several toxic relationships that I held onto for too long. The worst was a woman that I thought was my best friend. We spoke every day and shared so much laughter. Unfortunately, she showed every toxic quality you can imagine. She manipulated me, talked behind my back, and the list goes on. If I complained about her treatment she would say she knew she was difficult, or she would make it sound like something I had done. My family was furious with her and continually told me she was not a friend. I finally listened and distanced myself from her, but the whole situation devastated me. I kept asking myself if I had done something wrong. If you are doing the same thing let me tell you to let that feeling go. It wasn’t you.

Take time to grieve. Losing a friendship is always disappointing, so take time to be sad but only for a minute because you closed the door on a bad relationship and you are opening yourself up to better possibilities.

The best revenge is semi-forgiveness. One of the things my toxic friend said was that she hated to be ignored. She loved drama. Don’t give that relationship any more fuel. You can forgive her and let go of all the negative emotions, but don’t ever let her back in as a friend. She is missing out on someone cool like you.

Start finding some new friends. The best way to find good friends is through the good ones you already have.

Relationships take give and take, but a toxic one is one-sided, so walk away from those before you are too invested.

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When You Create a Mental Storm

Have you ever stopped to wonder if the terrible, I want to hide in the corner bad day could have been avoided? I’m going to share a realization I had about my own situation in the hopes it will help you.

We all have those days when we need to retreat and renew. My husband and I know each other’s signs for those days. I can see a bad day on his face, and he becomes slightly grumpy and almost seems to want to argue. I’m the opposite. I don’t want to interact with anyone. I crave quiet and I want to disconnect and heal. How do you react to the hard days?

It’s not normal for me to be depressed. I might have a bad day here and there, but I can usually find the positive side to anything. The past two months have been different though. I created a nasty mental storm for myself.

The unrest in our country and the world in general has weighed heavily on me. Hateful posts have also affected me as I unfriend more people because although I can respect a difference of opinion, once that opinion becomes hate filled and violent, I’m out. I am missing my children more than usual, and I haven’t had the motivation to run which is usually something I love to do. I haven’t even wanted to putter in the garden. (I’m usually out there singing and talking to the plants.” I started crying for no reason including waking up crying at 2 a.m. last week.

This morning, I decided it was time to turn things around and I realized there was a lot in my power to make things better. I made the decision to take back my happiness and guard my peace.

I’m a planner, so I had to have a good plan to follow. Running has always been my therapy, so the first thing I did was to go for a glorious run. I ran hard and fast, (fast for me is pretty slow!) which I haven’t done for almost 2 months. My legs were tired after 6 miles, but I’ll get stronger every day. The next step was to eliminate the toxic elements around me. I unfriended the person who posted about hoping the marines killed the immigrants in. L.A. I then sent friend requests to people who were mutual friends with friends I consider to be amazing. One of the things that has been bothering me is all the hate in our country. I know I can’t change twisted thinking, but I can spread kindness and understanding in my corner. If I am missing my children, I can reach out to make more opportunities to be together.

What is weighing on you? Is there anything you can do to calm your mental storm and heal the hard days? If you are struggling and cannot beat the funk, reach out for help.

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What I Know So Far

What I Know So Far

Living for six decades teaches you about life, people, and perspectives. Not all the lessons are fun, but those are often the situations that teach us the most. Here are a few things I have learned so far.

You can accomplish almost anything with hard work and determination. I took karate for six years. It was in a full contact dojo which was often terrifying and sometimes painful. I believed I was going to fail before I started. I often let frustration overwhelm me, but gradually I learned that if I practiced something enough and asked questions, my body would take over with muscle memory. It was empowering to know I could do almost anything if I had the right attitude and the determination to do it.

Your attitude is your superpower or your kryptonite. You have the power to choose how you react to something. Your actions and reactions have energy. When you send out that energy you can influence things. You can also be a positive example to others. Negativity, on the other hand, can suck the life out of you. When negativity sneaks into your thoughts, change those thoughts into positive ones.

There are places you shouldn’t go. It doesn’t matter what your beliefs about spirituality are, if there is enough evidence that a place is evil, you should stay away. There is a lake near us called Lake Lanier that was formed by flooding a town. I could understand a few water related deaths, but the death toll for Lake Lanier is not only high, but it comes with odd circumstances. The most recent death that I know of was a man who took his kayak out on the lake. He was training for a triathlon. They found his kayak and then recovered his body several days later. They did an interview with a police officer who told the story of a woman they rescued after she fell off a boat. She said it felt like she was swimming through molasses, and she was a lifeguard.

There was a show talking about evil places and they mentioned a forest in Japan where people talk about feeling incredibly sad when they were in there. There is a high suicide rate there.

Ten people could have 10 different perceptions about the same situation. I was at a faculty meeting where the school head proposed a significant change in procedure. When we left several faculty members came to me to tell me their opinion. The first was excited about the change, the second was confused and asked for clarification, the third was angry and couldn’t understand how the head could propose this. Others came in through the day all with different perceptions of the same topic. Don’t expect everyone to jump on board with an idea because everyone is coming from different mindsets.   

Slower is better. I spent the first 25 years of my career running around in a frenzy. I was stressed out, doing too much, saying no too little, and no one was getting the best of me. I wish I could tell you that I no longer do that, but I am wired to move and do. I am trying to slow down though because I know the benefits. Going slower helps you both physically and mentally. It helps you be more present for the people you love, and you can take more time to rest and recharge. If you are moving too fast you miss a lot of the important things in life.

We need more kindness. Everyone is dealing with a burden or two and sometimes they are heavier than usual. A smile, a kind word, a compliment, or a kind act could lift someone up when she needs it the most.

Staying calm can change the situation. People are good at stirring the emotional pot, but you can choose to guard your peace and stay calm. When someone becomes angry, don’t escalate the situation by meeting that emotion. Continue to speak calmly or end the conversation and tell that person you can talk again when he has calmed down. It takes at least two people to have drama so refuse to be part of the group.

My husband and I have very different political views and for some reason he becomes angry every time I bring a topic up to discuss. When I remain calm, I watch him dial down the emotions gradually until he realizes I want a discussion, and I am not trying to attack his opinion.

Comparisons don’t make sense. The next time you compare yourself with someone, ask yourself if you are ready to also take on the mess you don’t see. Everyone has a messy corner, some are only better at hiding it. Fame and money do not guarantee happiness, so be thankful for the blessings you have as well as the burdens you don’t.

Worry is wasted energy. Worry is another word for stress. What if what you worrying about never happens? Stress doesn’t do anyone any good, so manifest some positive outcomes instead.

Be transparent about who you are. Trying to be someone other than yourself is exhausting and people are going to judge you no matter what you do, so do your thing. Being transparent makes the people around you more comfortable too.

You should follow your passion. When I started writing full-time my family did not provide much support. I don’t think they realized how important it was to me. I knew it was something I wanted to do, so I carry on without their interest.

Travel if you can. I know not everyone has enough money in the budget to travel, but if you do I hope you will go to as many places as possible. Travel opens you up to new experiences and perceptions. It is a great learning experience.

Create your space and draw boundaries. Even your family members can treat you as smaller than you are, and it often only takes you describing your boundaries to straighten out the situation. I applied for a business license and was doing a few other things to treat my writing as a business when my husband said this to me. (Imagine the sneer and condescending tone.)

“You’re doing all these things and calling this a business, but you aren’t making a profit.”

I have learned when I am angry enough that I want to inflict physical harm, the best thing for me to do is take some time to think it through and collect my thoughts, so at the time all I said was, “I’m only trying to do what I’m supposed to do to legally sell my books.”

The next day, I entered the kitchen and said, “I need to tell you how what you said last night made me feel. I have already written and published six books with two more at the publisher. I haven’t figured out how to market them yet, but I need you to give me a chance and stop saying shit like you did last night.”

He apologized and has been much more supportive. People will treat you the way you let them, so stand up for what you want.

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Everyone is Watching

Do you often feel invisible, thinking that no one really notices what you say or do? What if I told you that you are wrong, that everyone is watching and you have the power to influence others and potentially make a huge difference?

When I was a teacher mentor, I told the new teachers they needed to realize their students were always watching them and listening to what they said. Unfortunately, what they heard was rarely the material being taught. They were listening to your opinions, your values, and your attitude.

The same is true of the people you interact with every day. The way you react to situations could have a domino effect. Let’s say life throws you a curve ball and instead of allowing the challenge to crush you, you rise up to meet it calmly and bravely and figure out a way to break through whatever the issue is. You might not realize it, but you can save someone else who is also struggling by the way you react. Someone might say, “Well look at the way she handled it. She refuses to let it stop her. She is going to keep moving forward. I can do it if she can.” You can be an inspiration for others. It also helps you to stay strong when you realize you can help others with your actions.

Have you ever done an act of kindness and watched the ripple effect when others follow your example? Do something simple like holding a door for someone or saying thank you and watch what happens. It’s almost as if people need to be reminded sometimes. Show them how a good human should act.

Your attitude can change people. Do you see life as a burden or blessing? Are you positive or negative? I know the power of positivity and instead of convincing others that it works, I show them. My best friend and family are still amazed when I speak something into existence. We have gone to restaurants numerous times when the parking lot and the lobby have been packed. I say, “We are going to get right in and be seated.” We walk in and every time they somehow have a table for us. I love hearing someone say, “How did that happen?” The best part is they now all do it too.

Your words are powerful, and you never know when they are exactly what someone needs to hear at an important moment. Have you ever had that happen when you needed some advice or inspiration and suddenly it’s right in front of you? Your words can be what someone needs, and you might be surprised to know someone is listening to you in particular because your thoughts speak to that person.

Who is watching and listening to you? Be the best person you can be, and you will end up helping others as well as yourself.