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The Side Effect Not Listed

The Side Effect That Wasn’t Listed for My Medication

Three years ago, I became an Afibber when my heart began beating wildly out of control after a short run. When I was in the hospital, the doctor prescribed a beta blocker and told me I would be on it the rest of my life and it would affect my energy level. When I asked what he meant he told me if I normally ran ten miles, I would only want to run five.

I quickly realized the doctor was right. I was so tired all the time. About the same time, I tore my meniscus and started walking instead of running. As the months turned into a year and then two, I didn’t have the motivation to start running again.

Running has always been a passion for me. It has helped me mentally, physically, and socially my entire life. It would be the last thing I would consider walking away from, but gradually I had given up on running without really acknowledging it.

Running races has been the place where I have met most of my closest friends. I stopped going. When I did show up, friends would ask me where I had been, and I didn’t have a good answer. The real response was I had lost my joy for running and racing.

I lost pleasure in other activities too. I love to garden, but last year I had no desire to go out to the garden, so the weeds were what flourished there.

I had to go back for yearly heart tests, and I was talking to the technician about my fatigue. She said I needed to try a different medication. I asked my cardiologist and he said, “Oh, no problem! I’ll put you on a better one that doesn’t cause as much fatigue.” When I asked why we hadn’t started with that one, he told me he thought it might be too expensive. After that we had a conversation about communication.

The difference has been amazing. It took a few weeks, but I have my energy back, I’m getting back into running shape, working on a strength program, and racing. I am so grateful to be running again, and the garden is full of vegetables instead of weeds.

The side effect that I wish I had known was that a medication could change my style of life and take away my joy of pursuing passions. It was so much more than there will be a change of energy.

If your medication is affecting your style of life, ask your doctor if there is an alternative and above all else pay attention to the side effects that are not listed.

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Why Would a Woman Not Leave an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?

Emotional abuse comes in many forms. The abuser may show excessive anger, have dark moods, need to control and possess, belittle and berate. If you always feel like you are walking on eggshells, you are never right, you can’t have a discussion without explosive emotion, or you can’t be yourself, then you are being emotionally abused.

So, if someone is experiencing an emotional relationship why would she not leave? Although common sense tells you that if you realize you are in a relationship with an abuser, you should end the relationship immediately, it can be more complicated than that. Here are some reasons why a woman stays even though she shouldn’t.

The abuser has another side. I have a friend who tells me when she started dating her husband, she would describe him as gentle, loving and funny. Abusers are master manipulators and can be very charming. After the marriage, she saw another side of his personality. He would change anything she had done in the house and berate her for doing it wrong. Once she had tried to paint a kitchen cabinet and after he had yelled at her for doing it, he turned to his teenage son and said with a condescending smile, “Can you believe she did that?”

Her abuser was so charming in public that many people would tell her how lucky she was to be married to such a wonderful man, but she wished she could tell them what he was like at home.

The abuser steals your value. After being told she couldn’t do anything on her own, my friend began to believe it. Her husband didn’t want her to wash his clothes or do the cooking because he told her she wasn’t good at it. I told her to let him do all those things because it gave her more time to do what she wanted.  

She questions the situation

An abuser can switch the guilt around to the victim so that the victim questions her reality, wondering if she is being overdramatic even when she has tons of evidence of the abuse.

She cannot afford to leave

This is one of the main reasons many women stay because they don’t think they can survive without the abuser. I told my daughters to make sure they were never financially dependent on a man, but this can be very scary for a woman who knows leaving is the right thing to do, but money has become the shackle that keeps her in the relationship.

I hope if you are in an abusive relationship, you will find help in what ever form you need. Talk with people you trust and research community resources. Life is too short to not be happy.

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How to Make The Ten Most Important People list

How to Make the Top Ten Important List for Someone

I heard someone yesterday say that a certain person was on her top ten list of important people in her life and I began to wonder who my top ten would be and what qualities or actions would guarantee that you would make someone’s list. Of course, everyone is different, but I picked a few things that I think are important factors for someone to play a pivotal role in your life.

Show up

When someone shows up for you, that person shows you that you are valued and supported. I know that feeling when a friend walks through the door or calls and you know that you are important to that person. I had a student whose mom died. I showed up at the wake and she said, “Madame, you came!” There are certain people and situations when I will show up no matter what and that was one of them. An important person on my list would do the same.

Listen

When was the last time someone really listened to you without turning the narrative to him or her? Most people don’t hear you because they are too busy talking about themselves. To be on someone’s ten most important list, you need to listen. Listening doesn’t have to be solving issues, but listening gives someone the chance to share burdens and once they are released, healing can begin.

Prove someone’s value

Show people you believe in them, and you think they are worthy of doing great things. Maybe ask them to do something epic together because you know that person’s grit will make you better. When I was a senior in high school, my English teacher pulled three of us out in the hall and asked us if we wanted to take the Advanced Placement English test. I didn’t know what this test was because it had only started several years before (I’m so old!), and we had not been trained for it, but if Mr. Chaffee thought I could do it, then I was going to do it. The man who told me I was a good writer is definitely on my list as well as the French teacher in college who pulled three of us out and asked if we wanted to do U-Conn’s study abroad program. That teacher’s actions and belief in me changed my life.

Make someone laugh

Being funny is one of the best qualities to have because life can be tough and if you can help people see humor in a difficult situation you should be on a few lists.

Be a defender/advocate

I have several friends that I know would be by my side in a heartbeat if I needed them, and oh, lord, they would defend me well if you wronged me. Friends like that need to be on the list. My husband had the type of stroke that precedes a bigger stroke, but thankfully we were able to get him to the hospital before the second stroke hit. I believe in the power of prayer, so I sent a text to my prayer warriors telling them what happened and asking for prayers. My friend Donna was the one who showed up to the hospital in minutes and all she asked was, “what can I do? Tell me what you need.” That is list material right there.     

What actions or qualities do you think are necessary to be on the most important list?

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The Changes that Come With Children

When you tell people that you are expecting your first child, they usually respond with congratulations, but my mother did not. When I told her I was pregnant she said, “Oh, no.” I was disappointed in her reaction until she explained that with four children of her own, she knew how taxing being a parent could be. I thought she was wrong until the baby came and my life changed forever. Nothing prepares you for what parenting is, the emotions, the need to have a psychology degree, your fear of losing your precious child, the protectiveness towards your child, the need to be all things with very little sleep or self-care, but most parents would tell you they would do it again in a heartbeat.

I can only speak from my experience, but here are the changes that occurred in my life when I had children.

Lack of sleep

I know this is the first on everyone’s list and it deserves to be there. I thought the baby would have a schedule and I would be able to sleep around the schedule. My doctor told me the baby was not going to have a schedule, and I should sleep when the baby slept. I have always thought this was terrible advice because if I sleep when the baby sleeps I cannot have a cup of coffee quietly and save what shards of my sanity are left, or do all the household chores to the point that it doesn’t look like a tornado blew through. Also, even though I’m on maternity leave, my work thinks I’m kidding and keeps sending me “small” projects to do in my free time that doesn’t exist.

Give yourself and your partner grace during this time and if you can take shifts while one rests while the other cares for the baby. Instead of being frustrated have an attitude of just doing your best.

Brain fog

This is caused by the lack of sleep, but it is difficult to handle. I remember when I went back to work as a teacher after maternity leave, another teacher came up behind me and said kindly, “Sweetheart, your skirt isn’t zipped up in the back. Let me help you.” I was in survival mode at that point.

Personal Hygiene

This is probably disgusting but my daughter spit up so often that sometimes I didn’t change my shirt and I went out in public with a fragrance of eau de spit up. Taking a shower becomes much harder with children and it can feel like a luxury.

Eating

Everyone tells you to eat healthily after the baby because you need to recover well, but sit-down meals become grabbing something quickly and eating it fast.

Personal space

Once you have children time to yourself is limited. Search Youtube for an episode of Bluey called twenty minutes where the mom just needs twenty minutes. You might close the bathroom door, but within seconds you are joined by a toddler, a dog and a cat.

Shopping

The first rule of shopping, going out, or traveling is to make sure your child is fed and rested. Dire consequences will result if you do not do this. Once I was in the grocery store when my toddler dropped to the ground kicking and screaming because she could not have a toy. I was surprised that everyone was looking at me as if I was a terrible parent. I left a full cart of groceries behind and carried her outside.

There will be many other changes but there are tools to help you. Keep a sense of humor, as for help, be creative, and use your resources. See the blessings not the burdens and realize that childhood is a short time so enjoy your time with your children.

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My Skin Cancer Journey

My Skin Cancer Journey and Some Ideas to Navigate Yours

Are you worried about an unusual spot, or have you been struggling with skin cancer for a while? The first thing I would tell you is to go in to see your dermatologist on a regular basis whether you have suspicious spots or not. Better safe than sorry is an appropriate expression when it comes to checking for skin issues.

Let me quickly tell you about my skin cancer journey and then I will share what I have learned in the hope it will help you. The first time I went to a dermatologist I had a large, ugly looking mole on my side. The dermatologist took one look at it and looked at me and said, “This doesn’t look good. I think it might be melanoma.” I translated that into I was going to die. He took a biopsy and I went out and climbed into my car, told my husband and began sobbing. The biopsy came back as only a mole, but the dermatologist recommended I start coming in once a year. After that experience, I learned to wait to hear the result of a biopsy before working myself into a stress ball, and whatever the diagnosis is keep a positive attitude and keep moving forward.

The next thing I learned was even if you begin protective sun care which of course you should, the skin cancer that starts popping up is from earlier sun exposure. Please don’t put off seeing a dermatologist because you are afraid. Staying a step ahead of skin cancer is manageable, but your attitude is key.

In the last twenty years, I have had many Mohs surgeries, frequent visits to the dermatologist, many freezings with liquid nitrogen, and blue light therapies, so let me explain the treatments available to you that I know about. When you make your first appointment with a dermatologist, ask for a full body exam. If the dermatologist finds precancerous cells, he or she will use liquid nitrogen to freeze off the cells. If there is something more serious, the dermatologist will probably do a biopsy where a sample of the spot is taken and sent to the lab. If it comes back as more serious, the dermatologist might do a scrape and burn or suggest Mohs surgery where a surgeon cuts out the cancerous spot. There is also blue light therapy where you are exposed to an intense light that leaves you looking as if you have a bad sunburn. The top skin and the pre-cancerous cells will peel off during the next week. There is also laser therapy and chemo cream treatment. There are probably other treatments, but those are the ones I know about. Let me tell you how to navigate the ones I have experienced.

Liquid nitrogen freezing

This is only my experience, but this never hurts me unless it is on my face, so don’t be nervous about this. When you go home, you can put Vaseline on them or Polysporin.  Keep your hands away and watch for infection. They usually form small blisters.

Biopsy

The dermatologist will numb the area then take a sample and send it to the lab. You need to keep the spot dry and bandaged for 24 hours.

Scrape and burn

The dermatologist will numb the area, scrape the spot and burn the area. It doesn’t hurt and I have never had discomfort after the procedure.

Mohs surgery

A Mohs surgeon will make a cut, take it to the lab and see if he has removed all the cancer. You usually wait an hour then the nurse will tell you if you are all clear or if another cut is necessary. Once you are clear, the dermatologist will stitch you up. My record which I hope to never replicate is five cuts. Bring snacks. The recovery for this is more intense. You will need to rest, and I believe you are not supposed to do exercise for a week. My dermatologist gave me a strong antibacterial ointment to treat the area. I have had several on my face which caused two black eyes and bruising on my nose. The nurse told me that eating pineapple helped with bruising and there is bruise cream.  

Blue light therapy

With this therapy an acid is applied to your face then you wait for an hour and a half while the acid sets then you sit in front an intense light for 16 minutes. After that, you have to stay inside for 48 hours and for the next week you should wear sunscreen and a hat. There are certain creams to put on and you treat the area as if you have a bad sunburn.

Find a good dermatologist

I’m leaving you with the most important advice I can give you. It took me a while to find the right dermatologist. Having someone who is thorough, who listens to me and who I trust relieves my stress. Don’t be afraid to walk away from someone who is not a good fit.

I hope you do not have a skin cancer journey, but if you do I hope sharing mine has helped a bit.

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5 Ways for Parents to thrive

5 Ways to Thrive as a Parent

Don’t you wish there was a foolproof guidebook for those tricky parenting moments? When I discovered I was pregnant, I read all the books and I thought I was ready, but I had no idea what a roller coaster experience I was going to have. I remember telling the doctor that I couldn’t get my daughter on a schedule. He tried not to laugh while he told me that babies make their own schedules. That was only the beginning of figuring everything out along the way.

Most days I thought I was doing a terrible job, I was terrified that my daughter would not survive my attempts at parenting, and I compared myself to those women who were impeccably dressed while I usually had spit up on my shoulder. Those women seemed to handle parenting with ease and elegance while I could barely remember my name as I stumbled around in a sleep deprived daze.

I wish someone would have given me a hug and told me it would be okay. I’m here to tell that today to anyone who needs to hear it. Here are five basic rules of parenting that will make your life easier.

  • United we stand and consistency. Children can smell the weak link a mile away, so if you are parenting with a partner work together not separately. Your child will try to play you against each other, so a united front is crucial. Decide together what consequences are appropriate and stick to that decision. This technique will continue no matter how old your child is. I’ll give you an example. My adult nephew came to stay with us while he went to school for his masters. The first night he came, he caused an uproar that was not acceptable for us. Before I went to talk to him, I went to my husband’s office to make sure we were on the same page. We both agreed on the consequences and when I went to talk to him, I threw in standing at his door in silence while giving him the stank look.

             If you are a single parent, discipline the same way consistently, so your child knows      

            what to expect. When my children were younger, I rarely had to tell them what the   

            punishment was. They would say, “I know. I’m grounded.”

  • Teach them that actions have consequences. One of my hardest disciplinary decisions was when my daughter partied her way through her first year of college and ended up on academic probation. When she finished her fourth year, I told her I had promised to pay for four years, so she could pay for the fifth. She told me later that my decision had been a good lesson, but it was rough on my emotions.
  • Stay calm. This one was hard for me and I’m ashamed to say I did a lot of yelling, but eventually I realized that everything went much better when I was the calm in the eye of the storm. Instead of allowing your emotions to take over, take a deep breath, decide what you can control and let go of the rest.
  • Always have a plan b. If you asked me what qualities does a parent need to survive, I would say a good sense of humor, kindness, creativity, resiliency, and flexibility. There will be so many times when you have everything planned perfectly, and then you watch those plans all dissolve in chaos. Be ready to pivot!
  • Keep everyone fed and rested. I’m talking about you too. Parenting is hard work, so you need to be properly fueled. Carry snacks with you. Even during our last trip, my 39-year-old daughter said, “Mom, what do you have for snacks.”  

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Handling The People Who Are Not Clapping for You

I would love to think my family and friends would always be my biggest cheerleaders, but that hasn’t been the case. It took me a while to realize there are all sorts of reasons and emotions behind this.

Your success might make some people uncomfortable whether it’s because of jealousy or insecurity, these people don’t want to experience your excitement. The worse case is when someone close to you feels the need to attack your dreams. This might be done through verbal jabs or questioning what you are doing on your path to success. Don’t allow those arrows to hit the mark. They are coming from someone to insecure to support you. Keep moving forward towards fulfilling what you love to do.

Here are a few things to do on your journey to success.

  • Find your cheerleaders. I have several friends who are always there to convince me I am on the right path. They want to see me succeed as much as I want the same for them. Your cheerleaders might not be actual family, but they will lift you up as if they were.
  • Ignore the doubters with their negativity. When you are doubting yourself, it doesn’t help when others start questioning your dreams. As a writer, I have not discovered how to kill it financially, so I fend off questions like, “Why are you doing this?”, “This is just a hobby, right?” Those questions are not helpful, so ignore them and carry on. I had to speak up when a family member had thrown too many barbs. I said, “I need you to stop talking to me that way. I have written 12 books. I just haven’t figured out how to market them yet.” He was very surprised and apologized.
  • Know who you can share your dreams with. Many people close to you don’t care about your dreams even though if they care about you, they should also care about your dreams. There are also people who will be interested in your journey and who will ask questions about your dreams. There was a gymnast whose father told him not to talk about the great things he was going to do. Instead, he should just do them.
  • Use the haters as fuel for motivation. I asked a family member a question about filling out my monthly taxes and he asked me why they would care about receiving such a small amount. It was asked with a dose of hatefulness, and at that moment I decided to work harder on selling my books to prove my ability to this person. Prove the haters wrong.

If you are passionate about something you should continue doing it even when you feel alone in your pursuit.

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Don’t Settle for Shallow Travel

Shallow travel is when you travel to check off the boxes for what the guidebooks say you should do, or you only travel for Instagram moments. The better alternative is experiential travel where your experience goes deeper and leaves you with better memories.

I was a French teacher for forty years and took twenty student trips to France. I always included trips to major attractions, and although students were interested in seeing them, they enjoyed the experiences and connections more. When we went to Brittany, we went to the swimming pool and the high dive that had been set up in the ocean at St. Malo. I will never forget how happy they were. They kept trying to get me to jump off the high dive, and I almost did until one girl yelled, “Look, a jellyfish!” It was a superhuman effort to get them to leave to get ready for dinner. There were times when our students met with French students and had a chance to talk with each other. The students came home with a greater understanding of the culture they had visited.

Trying to do too much at once when you travel can also lead to shallow travel. When you pack too much into a day the experience is more about running to the next spot than it is about investigating what you see with any depth. Pick one activity and truly enjoy it, and don’t forget that part of the experience is to enjoy the food and drink while watching the locals.    

Travel for me is more about what I experience and the connections I make than it is about what I see. I want to talk to people and learn the culture of a place through the people who live there. We took a family beach trip to Cape Coral, Florida and I was surprised by what we found. It seemed to me that all the inhabitants were from New York, and they had brought their culture with them. Most of the restaurants were Italian or New York style pizza. Everyone was warm and welcoming, and the atmosphere was laid back. We enjoyed without having to do much of anything.

Now that I’m retired, we travel to France several times a year to France with my family. We like to explore areas and new towns. We make new connections every time we go, and we reconnect with new friends. We want to experience the culture like a local and dive deeper into local life.

I hope you will consider traveling for all the right reasons, but don’t only go for the Instagram photo.

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What You Can Refuse to Accept

                                       What You Can Refuse to Accept

I often receive wakeup calls from conversations with friends, and the wisdom I walk away with is always so simple and strong that I shake my head and wonder why I didn’t think of it on my own.

One of these conversations was with a friend when I was complaining about my sore knees. She said, “You can refuse to accept a lot of the negativity that comes into your life.” She told me if she starts feeling tired or a little unwell, she refuses to accept it and starts to power up with positivity. She speaks strength into her situation by refusing to complain about anything. Instead of having a pity party, she counts her blessings and expresses gratitude. She knows the power that the mind has over the body, and this works in her life.

I thought about what she said, but then I was distracted by preparing for an ultramarathon which is running/walking at least more than a marathon. I wrapped my knees up and told myself I would have to walk the whole race because of my knees, but then the message my friend had given me was communicated to me in a slightly different way through a woman I met at the race, and this time I heard both messages loud and clear.

The woman at the race was walking/running a minute each. She asked me what was wrong with my knees and I told her I had strained them. I discovered quickly that this woman thought nothing was impossible. She said, “C’mon. Run/walk with me and if your knee hurts you can stop.” I started running/walking and was surprised that it didn’t hurt. I was making excuses instead of finding plan b to be able to continue to run. I had the choice to refuse to be sidelined.

The first thing I would say is to refuse to be limited unless something will hurt your health. We give up too easily on ourselves when many times we have to do a hard reset and do something different. As well as moaning about my knees, I had blamed my spare tire around my middle on menopause and although that has something to do with it, the real culprit was not sweating with some efficient cardio. I had been walking to save my knees, and my pulse rate wasn’t in the let’s burn some fat area. I have devised a plan to run three days a week and do other cardio machines at the gym on the other days.

There are many other things you can choose to refuse that will make you happier mentally. Here are a few.

Refuse to accept other people’s opinions of you. No matter how stupendous you are, there will be people who judge you. When you can be content with who you are, you have all the power and nothing anyone else says about you matters.

Refuse to accept disrespect. When someone continually interrupts you, finishes your sentence with something you were not going to say, doesn’t listen to you, is impolite, or treats you badly in any other form, let that person know that behavior is unacceptable.

Refuse to accept negativity. We all know at least one person who thinks everything and everyone is a burden. Any positive thought is shot down and replaced with the negative. Do your best to limit time with people like that and find the positive in situations.

Refuse bad energy. Bad energy happens when you make excuses instead of finding ways to move forward and live an active, happy life. Don’t sit around and commiserate about setbacks and struggles. Talk about what your goals are and what you are excited about doing in the future.

Refuse to be underestimated. The fastest way to light a fire under my motivation is to tell me I’m not capable of doing something. I will be hyper focused on proving that person wrong.

Refuse to accept not being appreciated. I love to help others and I don’t need anything in return, but I always appreciate a thank you. What I don’t like is when someone takes advantage of my willingness to help. That’s when I have to have a conversation.

I hope these helped you realize that we don’t have to accept everything that comes our way. We have choices sometimes about what kind of energy we allow into our lives.   

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What Can You Fix?

One of the reasons I love vending my books at the local craft market is my books become a conduit to deep conversations. Someone will begin asking about my books and then they work the conversation around to their struggle and their story. Sometimes I can help them by gifting a book, or just listening, but recently, a woman helped me when she described an action plan she made to help herself in her situation.

She told me her husband had just been diagnosed with dementia. His brother also had it and she cared for him until he died two years ago. She said she was overwhelmed when she thought of her future taking care of her husband. She told me she decided she needed to start taking care of herself more, so she made a list of everything in her life that was weighing on her and she picked out the things she could fix and made a plan on how to do it. She decided she was going to ask for help for those things she couldn’t fix and she was going to stop worrying about them. She was going to prioritize herself more and she knew if she took better care of herself, she could take better care of others.

Her plan resonated with me because I am a worrier even though I know worry is wasted energy. How many of us ,  care of everyone else before we take care of ourselves? Self-care is not selfish, it’s important for our health.

I thought a lot about our conversation after she left. We all carry burdens of some kind, but we have a choice about how we handle it. We can ask for help, make a plan, and whatever we choose to do we need to make sure we don’t lose ourselves in the process.